20...20...24 Hours To Go

Friday, January 24, 2020; 0828

I’m getting a late start today, but that’s okay. I’m in no particular hurry to get anywhere. 

Do not ask me about the title. I do not know. I was looking for a play on the numbers and that’s what came. Maybe it is all in fun...or, perhaps, there is a coded message there somewhere. One can never be too sure.

So, it’s been two days since I have been able to write. Yesterday was interesting and intense. And, Wednesday...Wednesday I can barely remember. But, I feel as though whatever the past 48 Hours have been, it has been important. I feel shifts and changes. This was affirmed last night. 

Nonetheless, let’s jump back to Wednesday. 

Wednesday was a rough day. I just could not get myself active. It’s not that I wasn’t motivated. Doing things is all I thought about all morning. If you remember, Wednesday has become THE day. Wednesday is cleaning day and laundry day and get myself together day. Still, I could not quite get it moving. I tried several times that morning. 

At 1130 I would receive a notification about a route of work available, paying the next day. I looked it over. There were only two and a half hours to get it done and there was at least an hour between some locations. Not to mention the fact that I was far from ready to leave The Dormitory. I had, legit, done nothing yet that morning. 

I couldn’t shake the feeling on Wednesday that something was brewing. There was something in the air. I could feel it. I just couldn’t define, nor describe, it. I’m not sure that I could do any better today. 

At about 1300 I finally found the hmph to start cleaning. At about the same time I had the thought that perhaps I would visit The Putter. I had this feeling that FaeriePrincess would tell me she was going over there. We’ve been trying to get together because she has Thyme for me. [The Dormitory needs a lil bit of the Fae folk.]

I started cleaning and got a text. It wasn’t FaeriePrincess, but The Warden, letting me know she had mail for me. Well, there was my confirmation. I was off to the Putters’. I figured as long as I was out by 1500 I was golden in my day. I managed to clean and shower by 1430. I got out of the shower to a text from FaeriePrincess asking when I was going over again. [And there was the third.]

Here’s the thing - I drove all the way down there and The Putter wasn’t home. I knew this. In the back of my head, I knew this. We had just discussed it the day before. So, I sat in the driveway at Old Geistopia for a bit, trying to figure out what I was going to do next. I had come all this way and now found myself with lots of time to kill. 

I’m not sure why it was that Spirit dragged me down to that end of The Valley. I cannot deny that it was definitely guided. First, my own feelings and sensations. Second, a confirmation through The Warden. Third, a validation through FaeriePrincess. I really can’t imagine what the point may have been. Maybe it was to get me to go to the store and figure out that I can use the card anywhere. Perhaps it was to go over to that laundromat and save a little bit of money. Or, it could have been just to get me back in tune with the energies of that end of The Valley. I really don’t get down that way often. 

There was only one moment that stuck out to me - caught my attention, struck me as interesting. 

As I was starting to back up to turn around and leave the driveway, Boom-Dee-Aye, turned to come in. We would pass each other in the driveway and I would wave. However, I kept my eyes forward. I didn’t look at her. Even without looking at her, or without my glasses, I could see the look she gave me. She couldn't figure out what I was doing there, since The Putters were obviously not home and I wasn’t scheduled to get stuff from The Cave until Thursday. 

The reason this is interesting? This was all an hour and a half before she normally comes home from work. She shouldn’t have been there either. Yet, there we both were. 

Hmmm.

So, whatever. Wednesday continued on. I got to the store and picked up Just Enough groceries and learned more about my Visa card from the girls. I went and did my laundry, saved a bit of money, and got dinner along the way. I’d make my way home and Spike would be here. So, I just laid on the cot for the last 45 minutes of his visit. And, I was asleep very early. 

Yesterday was a day all its own. I had my support thing in the morning and that was what it was. There’s really not much to it, it’s just a pain getting down there. Nonetheless, I gave them the employer information and I have until February 23 to get $60+ for them. That might sound easy with the job thing but, that’s not as cut and dry as one would want it to be. 

Before leaving the parking garage I would receive another route offer. This time paying $121 by 2000 tonight. I already had plans, so I couldn’t seriously consider it. But, I did look at it. It was possible to all of those jobs in one day, despite the fact that between them, they stretched to the farthest reaches of the region - in all directions. It would have been a lot of driving, not that I mind that so much. I would have driven up Alf of the fee in gas, but, again, what I ended with would have still been more than I started with. 

I was frustrated that I couldn’t do it, because I could use that money Right This Moment. Still, it wasn’t just that I had plans. Even if I hadn’t, I couldn’t have done all those jobs. I just didn’t have the money to put into gas and/or printing. If I had, you could guarantee, I would have forgone my plans and worked. 

Anyway, I had decided that since I was down at that end of town and traveling about, I might as well take whatever meal I had for scrapping. It wasn’t much and I made a whopping $1.75. I know. That’s kind of laughable. Normally, I wouldn’t bother with that little. But, I figured I was right there and not putting myself out, so whatever I got was a bonus. I left there, headed to The Putter’s, but still trying to kill some time along the way. 

I decided to hit the store one more time and get the rest of the groceries I knew I needed. While I was there, I was able to pick up a quick gig and score myself $6 - which should be in my account now or by the end of today. Again, this may not seem like much. But, it is $6 more than I had and I didn’t have to go out of my way or do anything different than I was going to do in the first place. 

I headed to The Putter’s and still found myself about an hour earlier than planned. So, I decided to go over to Old Geistopia and visit Craze. I had let them know I was going to do this anyway, because, when I saw the girls for dinner, Cuddlebug suggested I make time to go and see him. He is having a lot of difficulties [but seems well in general.] I figured since I had to make arrangements to get into The Cave, I might as well make arrangements to go and see him as well. 

It was a good visit. It was also an interesting visit, because my oldest sister came by to help him with his medicine at lunchtime. This was not only the first time we have spent this much time in a room together, but the most we have spoken to each other, in over 20 years. But, it was all good and it was what it was. I was nice and kind and polite. 

Right Thought. Right Word. Right Action.

For instance, I asked her to thank her son for gifting Sunshine one of his old guitars. 

The visit was interesting for other reasons as well. At one point, Craze asks me, “Do you have a key for out there?”

I didn’t know if he meant the back door or what? “Out where?”

“The shed.” [The Cave.]

I laughed and said, “No. They changed the lock.”

“Who did?”

“Mom and sis. They did it like months ago. I have to contact them and make arrangements to come and get stuff.”

“What? That’s f’n BS. I thought you had a key so you could work out there.”

I laughed again. I said, “Dude, they turned the power off.”

All this time, my father thought - and was ok with the thought - that I was able to come and go from The Cave as I please, making it possible for me to keep working at and doing things. 

Yesterday morning, Wisconsin asked me why I make such an effort to see my father and not my mother. 

That’s why. Right there. 

Because, though it is true that my father and I have had our own issues, when those issues are passed - the moments are no longer happening - my father moves on. When the moments aren’t happening, we have a decent relationship. I commented, almost a year ago, in the blog that through this process, my family had each shown me who they truly are. 

My father demonstrates his true nature. He is a kind, compassionate, understanding, sometimes, forgiving man. He is generous and helpful in anyway he can be. This is what he has shown me, demonstrated, moment after moment over the past year. My mother is quite opposite. She would sooner hold things against a person, or cut them off/shut them out. She will dismiss your entire existence. She got mad at my father once for something and, legit, did not speak to him, nor acknowledge his existence, for three days. I don’t think this makes her a bad person. It is just what she knows. It is her safe place. 

I understand my mother more than she, or anyone else, realizes. My mother had a rough youth. She was the first of three children. When she was born, she was dropped at my grandfather’s parents, and there she stayed, and was raised, until she was 9 years old. This is when her mother decided that she wanted her back and forced her to leave her life for one she didn’t really know. And, her life from that point forward was filled with chaos. 

I would learn over the years that some of the things my mother said and did, such as threaten to “One day leave this house and never come back,” were things her mother said and did. She did much worse. [Of course, if we are being fair and understanding, my mother’s youth was a picnic compared to my grandmother’s.]

We do what we learn...until we learn something new. 

My grandmother had a very abusive father. This wasn’t uncommon in those days. My dad’s mom had a very abusive father as well. My grandmother was never physically abusive [that I know of] but she was always very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. Don’t get me wrong. She’s a wonderful woman and everyone loves her. Myself included. But, there is definitely a toxic web around her and every family member has found themselves caught in it at some time or another. 

My mother especially. 

One time, my mother sat us all down for a family meeting and explained some things that were going on and had gone on in the past. All things with my grandmother. The way she was treating my mother - the behavior, the accusations. I was nauseated. I still get physically ill thinking about it today. I went to my phone and called her. I left a voicemail that told her she didn’t need to contact me again. I didn’t need birthday cards or anything. I was done. Admittedly, the wrong approach. But, I was disgusted and infuriated by how she was treating my mother and everything else I had learned. 

The family got in an outrage over that moment. “How could you let him talk to her that way,” they asked my mother. Well, first of all, she couldn’t have stopped me if she had tried. Second, the family doesn’t know what I know. [And, that’s for the best.]

There are truths out there that could unravel the entire fabric of our family unit. Lives could be shattered, but certainly changed forever. It’s one of those things I’ve always said about people’s view of my life. People can think what they want, judge me how they wish for my behaviors or choices, but people don’t know the secrets I keep. And, each with good reason.

I worry about my mother. I always have. But Craze tells me that she is having some serious heart issues. As a healer, this comes as no surprise to me. Her Heart Chakra is blocked and has been for a very long time. Is it any surprise, knowing what you now know, Fellow Travelers? I would think not. 

Her life, filled with insanity and chaos, put that protective side of eEgo into action. It is why she feels the need to be in such control and do it all herself. It is why she snaps at people or speaks down to them. Which, of course, is one of my biggest issues with her. She can’t just talk to a person. Especially, if it is anything even slightly ‘controversial.’ Craze told me he has had to tell her three times recently to not be yelling at him all the time. 

Again, I do not think any of this makes her a bad person. She just doesn’t see it, therefore, she doesn’t see the impact it has on others or even her own life. All of life is vibration. What You Put Out Comes Back to You. But, you can’t point it out to her either. You can’t mention it or there could be a conflict. But, all of this has blocked her heart. 

And, I wish I knew how to help her open it. She hasn’t quite seen The Light yet. She has searched for it many times. It has called to her. I have heard it. She has touched it, briefly. But, she has difficulty letting go and giving in. 

I wonder if her healing isn’t part of the reason I was inspired to write the email and am striving so hard to find the most loving way to write it. 

Anyway, we moved on from there and the day did what a day does. I saw the Putter and The Professor. Business was discussed but nothing determined. I left with boxes of gifts once more. I went and got what I needed from The Cave. Then I headed back to The Hill. I even managed to manifest $20 in cash along the way. This would turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Though my Visa card can be taken anywhere - not so much at gas stations. So, I needed that $20 cash to get gas. What’s funny is that I lost spent it several times over before I went for gas. 

I stopped and rented two movies. I figured for $1.91 how can ya go wrong. Turned out to be a good choice. ‘Jim’ was here when I got back and we all hung out for a bit and that was what it was. When he left, Hoagie and I watched the movie Jexi. We both laughed so hard and we both needed that in our own ways. 

Hoagie was experiencing some Spiritual whatnots last night. Several times he would say, “There’s a glitch in The Matrix.” He explained later that he was having flashes of Deja Vu.

“That doesn’t mean that something is wrong with The Matrix,” I said, “that means something is right.” I went on to explain to him, briefly, a Rosicrucian belief that, I think, helps explain the phenomenon of Deja Vu. I think when you have Deja Vu that you are on the right path. You’re remembering. It’s good that this helps put me at ease with Deja Vu because I had a huge episode of it myself this morning. Like 30 seconds or more...and that is along for an episode of Deja Vu. Like...psychedelic, eerie kinda long. 

Nonetheless, Hoagie is not incorrect. Something is happening within the continuum. I’ve been feeling it for a while. I’v commented as much. If I had any doubt, the Crows put that to rest last evening. 

You can tell a lot about what is happening around you based on the behavior and the creatures around you. I have often predicted storms, and the severity of them, by watching what was going on in the animal world. They have very distinct behaviors. Now, I would not consider myself a novice, let alone an expert, in animal behavior. But, I have a cursory understanding of what is common and what is out of the ordinary. 

Last evening, as I milled about loading The MattMobile, I took notice to three different groups of Crows. Crows are fascinating creatures. Though they often function in groups, they also enjoy a certain solitude. They also don’t tend to travel in organized groups, formations or patterns. They scatter quite a bit. Finally, the don’t tend to stay very high in the air, not much above treetops. 

These three groups were very patterned and organized. They were also very high in the air and flying straight, with purpose. I recognized the awkwardness of this with the first group. This was not ‘normal’ behavior. But, one group alone does not generally sound off big signals. Right? It’s subtle. 

Then came the second grouping. Now, I cocked an eyebrow. Something is amiss, but what could it have been. I tuned in and payed attention. They were moving with purpose. I do not know if they were flying away or towards. But, they all came from one direction and all flew in the same direction. [Also not a common behavior.]

Other birds were just doing there thing. I could hear them chirping and singing away. It was not the same kind of panicked chirping that usually foreshadows a change in the weather, or danger. Nor was this flight pattern of the crows. Nor was the fact that no other birds were flitting about. Sparrows are good for that at storm time. They flit about in frenzied and harried patterns. Like sentinels warning the rest of the world of what is to come. 

There was none of this. Then came the third group. 

These birds were definitely motivated. There was no imminent threat but something was different Something was forcing, or drawing, their movement.

That’s when I acknowledged the rift in the continuum. There was definitely something different in the air last night. Hoagie’s revelations were merely validation of such. [As were my own episode of Deja Vu and the experience that Wisconsin has had this morning.]

Things are shifting. 

Looking ahead...I don’t have much of anything. 

Tomorrow I start the job. That is all I have on that. It is what it is and i will be what it will be. I have no real attachment to it...or anything. I am very much Day by Day, Step by Step.

For instance, today I have what I need. I have things to do and to take care of. I have the food I need. I have gas in my tank. Just Enough. I have a little bit of funds to take care of business I may need to take care of along the way. 

Ultimately, I can get through today and that is all I know for certain. I do not know how I will find myself in the morning or how things will progress. I do know, however, that for weeks this has been the case and just going one moment at a time and not getting ahead of myself has yielded some excellent results. 

Speaking of...I must get to my day. 

So, for now, Fellow Travelers...Peace and Blessings.