304=7

December 8, 2019; 1653

I am sitting and waiting to leave for my first shift at The Distributor. I am feeling unsettled and uneasy. I realize, of course, that some of this is due to the fact that it is such a big change. Still, something doesn’t feel quite right. It’s as if something is still to come...change...shift.

i didn’t really get much sleep. I fell asleep rather early but was awake by midnight. I figured this was a good chance to stay awake and try to get myself adjusted to the new schedule. I finally laid back down around 0630, ready to catch some zee. Unfortunately, thay didn’t really happen.

I laid there for about an hour. I would doze off , but only momentarily. Off and on. That’s how it went for the whole hour. So, I got up, figuring I could try again in a little bit.

I tried thr or four more times, in fact. Each time it was the same thing. I would lay there, in a sort of ‘Waking Rest’ kind of state and eventually doze off...but only for a moment. This would repeat for an hour and then I would just get up. So, all in all, since midnight I have gotten less than three hours of sleep. None of it was consecutive and none of it was solid.

This is not how I was hoping to start this new leg of the Journey. I am so very tired and I haven’t even arrived for my 10 1/2 hour shift.

10 1/2 hours of Orientation. I hope I can actually stay awake through it all.

As for the job itself, I am still not sure how I feel about it. I am honestly only doing it to take advantage of the money if I can. It’s not a place I would really choose to be at. So, I wonder why I haven’t yet just given it up and gone to look for something that might suit me better.

The truth is, I think I am only doing this to prove something. But to whom?

Am I trying to prove something to myself? Am I trying to prove something to everyone else? What exactly am I trying to prove?

Honestly, I’ve been waiting for something to tell me I can just forget this and move on. But, for some reason, I feel I must see at least tonight through. Then Tomorrow. Then each day one by one until this comes to some kind of conclusion.

Will it be later this week when I possibly run out of gas and can’t get to work? Will it be in two weeks when I’ll feel as though I made enough? Or perhaps in three weeks when I believe the overtime ends. Maybe it will come in January when The Distributor doesn’t need as many employees. Maybe it will go through to the summer when The Seasonal Store starts up again. Maybe it will last 13 months until I can take my final Quest.

Or, perhaps, it will kill my soul just enough that one night [or, rather morning] I will close my eyes and just not open them again.