Abbondanza

Thursday, February 13, 2020; 0617

This morning I am a little heavy of heart...but we will get to that.

Week 7 is off to an interesting start, I must say.

First, I need to mention that it is hard to believe it has been a year of this. I have been gone from Old Geistopia for an entire year. I don’t know how I feel about that. It doesn’t seem like a year. It has gone by so quickly. There has been so much activity and life. So much has happened and gone on. However, when this all began, I never thought I would be living like this for a year. I knew it would take some time to get things going again, but I never thought it would be a year.

“Maybe this is pushing you towards better things,” The Warden said last February. I had no doubt that she was right. Everything happens for a reason, and, at the end of the day, that reason is always better things. I just never imagined it would take this long to get my feet on the ground. (All Good Things Take Time.) But, then, I also didn’t foresee all of the changes and shifts that would happen along the way. For instance, when this began I had not planned on leaving The Theatre. My Goal at that point was to build around The Theatre.

I find that I am not upset about it. I mean, I miss my daughters. I miss them terribly and I hate that I have lost a whole year of life with them. It can never be gotten back, nor made up, and that breaks my heart a little bit. I miss The MattCave. I miss its solitude and the sanctuary it provided as well as the level of productivity it afforded me. [Not that I was taking advantage of that the way that I could.] But, all in all, those are my only ‘regrets’ in all of this.

The year has been intense and it was necessary. And, in true form to my life, it hasn’t all been about me. I have many times over the course of the past year found myself in a situation and thought, “This couldn’t be happening if I had stayed at Old Geistopia.” [Even my destitution seems to be about lifting other people up.]

Anyway, yesterday was, once again, as yesterdays tend to be. I finished the post and set about my day. I finally got the cleaning done at The Dormitory. It was long overdue. Of course, by long, I mean it has been 2 weeks. Keep in mind that when i clean I also cleanse. It is not just about making the place better on a physical plane but on a spiritual one as well. And, there are just too many energies bouncing around this place for me to go two weeks in between such things.

Every so often, I find myself intrigued by the feeling that cleaning brings me. I truly enjoy it. First of all, it is something that needs to get done and it is worth it when it is. Also, it keeps me connected to the space. Not only can I find places where energies may need to be tweaked in some way or another, but I am reminded of things that may need ot get done as well. I used to do the same thing with the property at Old Geistopia. Every day - usually twice - I would walk the entire property and just be one with it - raising stock of what was what and where it was. Yesterday, I found myself feeling very uplifted as I cleaned. It was a feeling familiar to Old Geistopia. I get into a certain Zen space and I like that.

Beyond that one big project I just kind of piddled through my morning. I wanted to get things to a Spike friendly point. For example, my chisels were in a box next to the table. I wanted to put them out of sight so he wouldn’t be tempted to touch them. It’s not that i mind the touching so much, but the are sharp and I didn’t want him hurting himself. I cooked and ate breakfast. I got my shower. I managed all of my Devotions and Practices. Once again, everything fell into place perfectly to get me to work on time. I’m liking that experience.

I finally got a chance to look into the mysterious phone charges. You may recall I had discovered two payments of $5.29 that I could not explain. They were not showing up on my account. Then, yesterday morning, I discovered a third one. I started to investigate further but before I could talk to the company itself i needed to verify that Sunshine wasn’t buying things. Her store account is set up with my bank card.

She was at school, but I sent her a text anyway letting her know that she needed to touch base with me. I checked my phone, later, at work. No text and no phone call. I called her this time. I left a voicemail for her. Then I called her sister and left a voicemail. We did eventually connect and it turns out she was buying things. However, she had a Visa gift card assigned to her account and thought it was coming off of that. She assigned a new one yesterday and said it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. The funny part is that I checked my account one more time just after we talked and there was another $10 charge on it. I had to call her back and verify that as well.

It seems so very typical of my life. Here I am, struggling and trying to figure out how i get myself through a whole week yet and out of the blue I lose over $25. It was nobody’s fault. Truly accidental. The kid was not trying to be blatantly disrespectful. She thought she had herself covered. It happens.

But, this is how my life tends to unfold. It is a constant, and consistent, pattern/cycle. But, I cannot be upset by it all. Before the day was over, $50 would find it’s way to me. It didn’t come in a preferred manner, but it came. This is something else I just need to learn to accept. It seems I can push, and put forth effort, to yield little or no results. Yet, I can do nothing and money comes - usually in the form of a gift or loan. But, it comes and that is the point really.

Work was as work is. I really don’t know what to make of it. I understand that i belong there. I don’t question that. I can feel it, sense it. I know it’s only temporary. It’s not a life-long thing. Not that I can discern yet anyway. I suppose, it could always turn into one. Only time will tell. And, that’s kinda what’s weird for me at the moment. I can feel an end, I just can’t see one. I can’t find a timeframe.

I, first, think about the message of 3 weeks. I do not know what that means. I only know I am in the third week now. Something gets determined this week. I try to look at a year from now. I can believe that I’d still be there in a year. There’s no reason not to be at this point. That belief allows me to vaguely see it. I can see the possibility but I don’t see that it is what is recorded in The Records at this point. So, I may or may not be there in a year’s time. [Maybe with the company but at a different location.] So, I can kind f see it, but I can’t feel it. It feels as though there is something in the way, something between now and then.

This brings me back to the message of 3 months. That takes me to Beltane. There is something about May. I don’t know what it is quite yet. This was validated earlier this week. One of the phone calls I made on Tuesday was to a friend/associate from many years ago. I had run into him last year [around May] and he had given me his card and told me to call. Of course, I was living out of The MattMobile at the time and I did not keep good track of that card. I have found it, and for weeks I have been wanting to reach out to him. [I was inspired.] So, I called him, but he is out of town...until May.

So, I choose to not think about it. For now, I am where I belong, and, in usual fashion, when I no longer belong there I won’t be there. For now, it is what it is and what it is is a chance to at least get myself financially caught up, if not even stable. It is an adventure. It’s honestly, no different than any quest I have ever taken.

However, it wipes me out. I was complaining to Hoagie last night that I don’t like coming home from work and feeling non-functional. He seemed surprised by this. I could tell it didn’t quite process for him. So, I explained that there are other things to get done. I’m not going to this job because it is the whole of my life and it satisfies me completely. I’m going because it makes me some money. Even if I wanted it to be all there is for me, that can’t be the case at the moment. If nothing else, I have a wedding ceremony to officiate in two months. There’s work to be done.

There’s work to be done in all areas of my life. Again, even if I decided to stop pursuing crafts and readings and everything that is not that ceremony, there is still stuff to be done around The Dormitory. Or even in my life, such as file my taxes. So, I don’t like coming home, seeing a whole night ahead of me, and feeling like.I can’t do anything. Of course, I do have to accept that that patience and slowing down have been big Themes lately. Slow & Steady Wins the Race. Still, I hope this wears off sooner rather than later. I really don’t like feeling that wiped out.

Still, I did manage to find something I could do last night. I went through all of my papers and notes and got organized. I started and formed my lists. Write it Out. I have places to take notes everywhere. I have a tablet containing my lists. I have my Spirit Journal and even a WTML notebook. Plus, I keep paper close by for daily notes on the fly. They tell me it is called Checks & Balances.

On the topic of Notation - I have been wanting to share something. It is a process in my life. One that started but has never gotten into full swing.

Years ago, I came across an app that allowed me to track my hours worked for various jobs. I thought this was perfect for like the gigs & shifts and retail merchandising. Plus, I could use it when I had a client or session.

Then, life reached a point where the family was really on me about being lazy and not working. I decided to use it to track all of my time. It was ego driven, I suppose. I wanted to be able to show that I wasn’t lazy at all. Eventually, I decided that I wanted to know for my own sake just how I was spending my time. I have never really been able to get the system mastered. In part, this is just because it is ‘new’ and there is the tendency to forget. But, also, part of it is due to the fact that my life fluctuates so frequently in a day. I do multiple things at once. So, one moment I might be working on paperwork and then run off to paint something so it can dry and I can do the next coat. So, I would forget to change it up and inevitably become frustrated.

I decided to fire up this process once again when The Experiment began. At first, it was as it has always been. I would do it sometimes. I would forget to stop it, or I would forget to switch it. I really want an accurate depiction. Again, this is for my own sake. I want to know where I am spending my productive time, so that I can gauge what it truly yields. It has definitely gotten easier over the weeks. And, having The job take up so much time has helped.

I track everything. For instance, I have a Ministry category. I have used this in the past for tracking ceremonies and clients. I am currently also tracking all of my time spent doing my practices and journaling and, even soaking in a tub. These are all things that go with doing the Ministry things that I do. I track my driving. This started for a retail job a few years ago. I then used it any time I drove for something work/income oriented. Eventually, I wanted to track all of my driving time. I figure it is time unaccounted for otherwise, and I do spend a lot of time. N the road. Most of it is productivity oriented. Even if I am doing something like going to The Putter’s there is usually some sort of work oriented task along the way.

So, I have been tracking. Yesterday, I put in a total of a little over 13 hours. A little more than 7 of that was The Job. The other 6 hours were divided among the Ministry, Driving, WTML, and Household duties. Yes. I track those as well. It is not only productive time, but as a healer and empath and all of those fun things, household chores become necessary evils. It is important to the balance of the spirit. Take Care of the Shop and the Shop Will Take Care of You.

The last thing on my list from yesterday is Wisconsin. Last night, she ‘broke up with me.’ We have definitely reached an odd point. I was becoming aware of it and apparently she was as well. We’ve really become more like best friends. There are so many factors against us in keeping a romantic bond. First, there is a 1,000 mile distance. That is the majority of it. There is also an hour time difference and yo I might be surprised how often that can tweak things in the wrong direction. But, we also have two seperate lives. The Job has shifted mine a great deal. At one time, Wisconsin and I chatted all day every day. But lately, I am puttin in the 40 hours at The Job and then when I am home I have a list of other things to be getting done. So I am on the go a lot.

We are both very sad about this. But, we also both realize that it is best at the moment. We both have so much going on in our lives - me trying to get things balanced out and moving and her dealing with her medical issues. We both need enough focus for those things and attachment of any kind diminishes focus.

We agree that our time together has been wonderful. We have been so much to each other and seen each other through some very difficult periods of our lives. We have helped each other get through situations and celebrated as each of us grew here and there. We plan to continue to be friends and to keep being chill with each other. Maybe one day, in the future, we will shift back to that romantic place.

So, it is weird. I am happy for her that she could recognize this and address it. It says a lot about where she is with herself. And, I do believe it will be good for her. Both of us really, but mostly I am glad that it will be good for her. But, at the same time it is sad.

For now and for always, Fellow Travelers...Peace and Blessings.