Allow Me to Introduce Myself

An introduction to me, huh? Anything and everything there is to know, eh?

Well, that could be a challenge. I never really know how to describe myself. I am that I am. I think something that anyone should know about me is that, truly, I am just a guy dopin’ along. This was a phrase used to describe me many moons ago, but it stuck with me. I’m not sure it was meant as a compliment. A sideways one at best, perhaps. Still, I can think of no other words to truly sum up who I am and how I live.

Just a guy dopin’ along - doing his best to make the most of whatever comes his way, however it comes.

Beyond that I am mostly a bundle of complex simplicities. Dichotomy would be a good summary of my existence. Everything that is, exists in opposites. For example, I am poor. God, am I poor. I am one impoverished SOB. I’m not at the bottom of the food chain quite yet, but I’m pretty far down there. Yet, in my life, I had been rich, abundant and blessed. So much, in fact, that I often feel guilty per my good fortune and miracles. I don’t know if that is so much a ‘Self-worth’ thing, or just that I know I have been blessed, time and time again - and I’m already grateful for that, so I don’t know that I need more. But, life unfolds as it does and I am glad of that.

Feeling so blessed does leave me feeling fairly happy and upbeat most of the time. However, I do see my fair share of struggle - trials and tribulations - along the way. There have been times that were so dark and defeating that I thought for sure the end was imminent - by G-d’s hand, or my own. So, at times, I have found myself feeling...well...less than happy. I struggle with some degree of depression every day, but, if you ask me, I will tell you that life is a beautiful thing and so very worth living as fully as possible.

I am a dreamer. A cock-eyed optimist, I suppose. I can’t help but see the best possibilities - in life and in people. Needless to say, I have been vastly disappointed very often. For as many dreams as I have chased, each has been touched only briefly. It seems as though ‘Failure’ should be a mantra for me. But all of those failures have led to something - a different path or opportunity, new perceptions or understanding...something. So, in some ways, many of those failures were merely facades for the success hidden underneath.

I am, without a doubt, a man of Faith - sometimes to my own frustration. This should be known from the outset. I believe. It’s just that simple. What I believe may be a bit more confusing. I believe there is a force, a Universal Spirit, this thing that so many of us limit to the form of some Divine being or another. I believe it is always working for us, even [and most especially] when it seems it is not. I believe it is in control and always several steps ahead. I believe it communicates with us, and guides us, in ways we are really only beginning to realize. I believe in G-d, by any number of faces and names. I believe in magick - the kind that actually exists. I believe in faeries and angels, and, yes, even demons. [And, their predecessors the Deamons.] I believe in aliens, because it is foolish and naive to think that, in all of this vast universe, Earth is the only place intelligent life could have formed.

I believe. Period.

I am like the epitome of Jack-of all Trades and Master of None.

All my life, I have been a drifter of some form or another. All of that moving about results in a lot of doing. All of that doing leaves me with a little bit of understanding of a lot of things. Over the years, I have worn many different hats.

I have been, or am, any number of things at any given time - Minister, healer, spiritualist, crafter, artist, entertainer, scrapper. I always seem able to do just enough of each to have done them, but never enough to keep on doing them. I have worked at all sorts of levels of food service and retail. I have worked in an office and in less desirable conditions as a general laborer. I even spent a period traveling the country testing fiber optic networks. [Oh, the places life can take us.] I have worked for small companies, large companies, mystery companies, and even myself.

All of this has left me with a lot of interests and passions, so I rarely find myself bored or with a lack of something I want to do. I like to craft and create and it has taken on so many forms. I like to cook and bake and organize and construct. I enjoy wielding away at wood or wrapping hemp or making wine bottles into incense burners. I once constructed a beautiful garden.

I like to learn.

I like to learn new things. I like to learn about people and where they have been. I like to learn new ways to do things or just new things to do in general. Each day, I try to learn something more about myself or life in general.

The drifting and the learning and the diversity all stem from my innate curiosity. I guess you could say that I really will try just about anything once - just to know. What is it they say? Curiosity killed the Matt, but…

Satisfaction brought him back.

I have a grand sense of adventure. I think it’s safe to say that I have a knack for making the most of even a mundane situation. I like to create memorable moments - atmospheres, experiences. But more than that, I enjoy stepping back and watching what life creates for me. If I have mastered anything in my life it would be The ART of The Quest. Of course, this is misleading because it is an ART that cannot be mastered, only experienced. Still, I can make a Quest out of the simplest thing, such as going to the store or taking a walk around the block.

My tastes are as broad as everything else in my life. I love food. All kinds of food. I certainly have an affinity for Italian dishes, but I am generally down for whatever is being served up. I enjoy tastes and flavors. I do love to bake and cook, and I believe that every kitchen should be filled with those aromas more often than not.

I can watch almost any kind of movie, though I do tend to favor Superhero movies, as well as the Stoner Flick Genre.

But, music...music is the thing. I fucking love music. More than breath I think sometimes. I can, and have, listened to everything from classical death metal. I can get chill on R&B, POP, Country, Jazz, Blues, Reggae, Metal, Indie, Dance, New Age, World….you name it I can find a place for it. Even polka can be tolerated for a song or two.

For all of this, I like stillness. I like to just sit and be. I enjoy the quiet and the calm. It is why you can very often find me awake in the middle of the night. I like solitude.

But I am always good to go for a party.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. [And, very often, my thoughts on my face.] Also, if you ask or the moment is appropriate, I will tell you exactly what I think - the good, the bad and the very ugly.

Something else to know is that all of the fun and the good I can cite today has not always been the case. Many times in my life, and in so many different ways, I have been so much less than a good person. One might even say, at times, I have been devious and sleazy. I have no regrets. I think regret is a wasted effort. Regret can change nothing, ever. But, I do have remorse and I do carry guilt. In fact, I feel guilt by nature sometimes I think. If I slight you in even the slightest way, you can be certain that sooner or later, to some degree, I will feel bad about it.

I do still have my problems and my issues. I have hurts that I can’t understand and angers that I cannot always validate or rationalize. But, I try not to live in those moments, only acknowledge them.

I love people and, as my Cuddlebug once said, I would do anything I can for anyone. Still, with all of my hang-ups and insecurities and uncertainties about so much of myself and my life, I am not likely to let anyone get too particularly close.

Physically, I am beat up and worn down. I have aged hard. I have literally deteriorated and decayed. Most of this comes from living. In my life I have worked hard, played hard, lived hard. I have lived beyond my limits more than once. I have pushed. So, I am bruised and battered and all twisted up. Yet, some of my ailments are straight up karma for all those times I was not living my best life.

I am scared and marred - physically and emotionally - by good and by bad. I have lived - sometimes right and sometimes wrong, but I have lived. I wear my scars as a reminder of what life is...and what it can quickly turn into if we are not careful.

But, if you really need to know any one thing about me, you should know that I have two daughters. They are, truly, the lights of my life. They are beautiful and smart and intelligent. [two different things.] They are talented and creative and caring. They are literally my reason for living. Twice now, the thought of them is what has left a breath in my body. They are my motivation for trying, for striving, for more in my life. I want to do things and accomplish things and grow my abundance not for me, but for them. I want to open the world up to them. I want them to learn to run and play and express and think and challenge and be.

I want them to be able to live the life they dream.

So, yeah, that’s me in a nutshell.

WALT: Did you say nuthouse?

JOHNNY: Walter!!!