Daily Post #15

Friday, September 6, 2019; 0840

It’s been a rough day so far and it has barely even begun. It’s one of those days you just want to be over already. Though, I fear that is how I will feel about the next several days. 

Yesterday was challenging, even though it had its share of blessings. 

I manifested some cash yesterday. [I really don’t know how to phrase it because I don’t really do anything.] That is all gone. Some of it I foolishly spent on myself and my relaxation and peace of mind. That was most of it really. The rest [And Then Some] went to my friends. 

I woke up yesterday worried about money, but then what else is new. I set my mind at ease. I believed that something would work out along the way. And, it did. Throughout the day $26 [and change] would find its way to me. I almost cried. I thought about how that would be a few meals this weekend. 

Like I said, I went and spent the majority of it on what is truly frivolousness and then spent the rest taking care of my friends. But, before I even got to that point in my day, the day had taken another turn on me. 

I started to feel very down. I don’t know why or what triggered it, but suddenly I was overwhelmed with a sense of defeat. I put on a good show in public, I suppose, but I’m not sure I am doing well. I’m not sure how I keep going every day.

I suppose, mostly, it is Faith. I have always believed that there is something better waiting for me, if I can only allow myself to find it. Maybe I am deluding myself. 

Anyway, I found myself very down and dejected, not that my co-workers would have noticed. I kept up my facade and got through my day. After work, I headed to a Safety Meeting at The Putter’s. The Professor was down off the mountain.. Hoagie texted that he was going over as well. And, in the end FaeriePrincess would show up. 

Sometimes, when I am feeling down and stressed and lost, a Safety Meeting will help round me out again. Sometimes, like yesterday, they only serve to make me feel worse. I just kept getting more and more down on myself. I fought back tears more than once. 

I just feel so out of place in life. I don’t know why I’m here or what I am doing. Those are the thoughts that eventually led me to wondering why I didn’t just die 20 years ago. 

What did I live for? I stayed alive so I could live in my car, on the brink of total poverty? I stayed alive to have daughters only so I could lose them? I stayed around so that I could become just a drain on society and the world?

WHY AM I HERE?!?!

It’s not a good day. [and now I must spend some time putting it all aside and out of my mind so that I can work.]