Faith, Failure, and Irrelevancy

Balancing. There are no great improvements or

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. 

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true! 

WALT: Welcome to my Life is a Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

 Looch

BJ & The Bull

Ace

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Wilson

Zason

St. Diane & You (5)

Brother John & Sister Jen

The Bee Man

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Mayor & The Turkey Man

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, September 14, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Jive. Time...???

Theme – Anger

 This has come in a variety of ways this week. Just this morning, I came across a post on Facebook that basically said, “a man who can’t control his anger cannot create a strong foundation from which to build.” [not exact but close enough.] There was a conversation with Big ‘D’ about The Princesses and potential dialogue with them. I was talking about how it would be nice if they came tome and discussed their issues with me instead of keeping them pent up. She said, “Well, if they do, you can’t get angry with them.” Of course, this was based on our own dialogues in the past. There was definite anger - on both sides. I can explain my anger [not validate it] but never was the anger about what someone was thinking or feeling. Still, there was anger. I’ve been thinking about that last fight with Cuddlebug and the trio of explosions back around Beltane. The first thing I observe is that my anger is rarely rooted in anger. It’s depression, frustration, fear, oppression. But it’s not anger. Those things stay pent up and fester until they come out looking like anger. I’ve spent a long time trying to understand this “lingering anger.” What causes it>? Where does it stem from? In general, I would say I’m not really an angry person. But, once again, what do I know. Most recently, I saw my anger rise during this whole Charlie Kirk thing. I’m not angry about what happened, or didn’t. I’m angry at the way everyone - on both sides - is behaving because of it. It’s just absurdity. I read enough of the commentary…and then snapped. I'm not proud of these things or moments. But they happened. I do try to keep my temper under control and I have come a long way but apparently not far enough. Just another failure.

Lesson – Listen to G-d

I have no writing for this. I can only say that I have to just take that and try to work with it.

Observation – It's Not Always Easy

It’s not. The prime example I have in my head today is Everything Happens for a Reason [Precise & Perfectly Placed.] It sounds easy. It’s certainly easy enough to say. I hear people say it all the time. “Everything happens for a reason.” I say it all the time. Living it is not that easy. It can be frustrating, disconcerting, even disappointing. This morning, for example. I woke up at the very time I wanted to be leaving to try to work. Now, I did have a hard time sleeping properly last night but I did eventually get to "bed." I wasn't going to get a long sleep but I was OK with that. I woke up off and on throughout the night. I woke up at 0300 for the bathroom but quickly fell back to sleep. I woke again at 0419 and chuckled. I thought, "I'm gonna sleep for the next 11 minutes then snooze the alarm which would give me another 9 minutes. That is exactly what happened. I hit the snooze...then woke up an hour and a half later. My phone battery died. I don't know. So very random. What could be the reason for that? It screwed up my whole day. Or my life as a whole right now. What the fuck could be the reason for losing everything and finding myself trapped in a situation for which I gave everything - including my daughters - up in order to escape from in the first place. It's irritating. It's frustrating. It's depressing. But, Faith dictates that I accept that Everything Happens for a Reason - Precise Perfectly Placed. So I go with it, hoping that one day it will all make sense.

The Post

 I'm starting this in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. In fact, I was asleep but woke with a jolt. I don't know what woke me exactly. But my head is foggy and restless. I could probably go back to sleep. I should go back to sleep. But something inside isn't feeling settled.

My body aches tonight and I don't know why exactly. I'm hoping it's not from my work day. I was out all day - almost 12 hours, except for a 2 hour break to rest a few minutes and eat. Unfortunately, this seems the way my days must go.

I've tried breaking up the earnings over 7 days, thinking it would be easier to make. It's not. All it takes is an appointment or an errand or a task and it throws the whole course of the day off and I'm out all day anyway. Plus things don't really get done. They get managed enough. Not that I can really do anything anyway.

So, I did go to "bed" eventually last night and it is now much later on Sunday. I put in some work time. The show has come and gone. I have helped a friend. Other than that I have been doing a lot of sitting. My mind isn't zoning out but my body certainly has been.

I am just beat all the time anymore. I'm always tired. I'm always rundown. I'm always in some sort of discomfort. My stomach hasn't been right for like the last three weeks. I'm not sick or nauseous but something isn't right. I keep telling myself it will straighten itself out [as it has always done] but so far it has not. My lower back is a lot of my discomfort. It just doesn't get the rest or relief it needs. But how could it?

It also doesn't help that it has been so warm lately. This heats up The Cave and I do not have any good air flow in here so it is always so warm and stuffy - except for first thing in the morning. I am not prepared nor ready for cold, but this stuffy heat has been taking its toll on me.

But enough of all my woes.

It was a challenging week. A good week but challenging. I am wrestling with so much internally while on the outside I am fighting to survive. Not just to survive but to thrive once more. [As much as I have ever truly thrived.]

I really should get back to taking notes throughout the week. I know there were plenty of significant moments, but right now they are all Once Upon Ago.

One I can tell you for certain was The Meeting Place. There was an extra meeting this week. I try to go to all of these things but as the time ticked nearer I was feeling less and less motivated to do so. I was tired and weak. I just didn't feel as though I had enough oomph to pull it off.

I piddled through my day and when I was done I realized I had about an hour and a half before the meeting would start. It turns out that this was just enough time for me to get my head out of my ass, get myself together and get there.

As usual, when it was over, I was so very glad I went. The meetings lift my soul - always. For me, it is as good as going to church. I feel [at least slightly] transformed when it is over. I always catch something new that will spin me into a self review. I leave feeling energized and enthusiastic. Each. And. Every. Time.

Now, I wanted to actually start the post with this next part but till I got around to seriously writing I had forgotten to do so.

I know that last week's post was a little rough - dark and harsh. These things happen. What I found is that once I wrote it all out like that it was done. I started to feel better almost instantly. It took a couple of days to get into full swing but I definitely recovered from my thoughts and feelings. I mean they didn't change. I just didn't have the same attachment to them.

It's what I always say Write it Out. I write it out and it's done. It's out of my system. I can think clearly again. It's kinda why I don't talk much about my issues with people. If I'm talking with someone we are dwelling in it, analyzing it, keeping it fresh. I'd rather just Write it Out and be done with it.

In regards to my life as a whole I a, just trying to make the most of each day. I'm trying to just accept things as they are. It can be a struggle. It's hard because I still have no actual direction. I have so many questions. Dare I say doubts? There is so much I don't understand at the moment.

I go back to the message, "3 weeks." At first, I thought maybe it was suggesting 3 more weeks - or the end of the month. However, I realized I have been at this now for about 3 weeks and as this week concludes much of my life has kind of settled into place - gotten easier. Rehearsals are done and it is now just 2 performances a week. The pre-season hoopla at The Seasonal Store has been completed and now it is just 2 3 hour shifts a week. The Cave is as organized and set-up as it can be until the electrical work is done. So, life is settling into place - into a flow, a routine.

Financially things are balancing as well. Balancing. There are no great improvements nor advancements. I have all the preliminaries taken care of for Artemis - inspection, oil change, registration, title transfer. I still need to actually pay for her, but the rest is done and that was a big chunk of a start. Little by little I have been taking care of what I need in order to make my "living" situation a little more bearable. I need to get the electric done and still need to re-pipe the stove. I'm still trying to plan and budget this trip. I also am pursuing mt medical card. [The stroke has given me legitimate cause.]

Next week funds should start flowing in a lil more regularly. Both The Seasonal Store and The Theatre will start their 2 week pay cycles. I'm hoping to keep that money out of the official budget so that I can use it to start taking care of all that is still in front of me and maybe still gather a chunk of funds. [Not that it matters.]

I realize that I am only 2 weeks into the 3 month time frame but it all feels like I am only just deluding myself with thoughts of hope and faith. Historically, everything I have ever tried to do has fallen apart and failed. It doesn't matter how hard I try nor what approach I take. I can only ever carry things so far and then...

Failure.

Look at The Homestead. I pushed hard for two years. I pushed hard through recovery. Still, in the end, I failed to save my home.

I just very often wonder why I keep trying. The only answer I have is because I keep waking up. I suppose that is faith.

I wanted so badly to be a good dad but, if you go by my daughters' current attitudes and approaches to me, it would seem I failed...miserably. I even have failed at trying to fix it.

In regards to The Princesses I am struggling. I can't keep trying and getting denied. It hurts too much. Big 'D' said to "just let them go." That is all I can really do. Just let them go and stop trying. If they decide they want to have dealings with me then they know how to reach me. But this leaves me so conflicted.

I said to Big 'D' that I'm letting them be distant but at the same time I am trying to plan this trip to share with them. She said, "well don't." But that's not who I am. Believe me, I had given it a great deal of thought before she even said it.

It doesn't matter how they feel about me. I still love them both very much. I started planning this trip for them. I can't just take it away from them. I mean, I'm not going to chase after them for it. They know when it is planned for, if they want to go they will be in touch about it.

I have to take the same approach with Sunshine's birthday. I offered to take her to breakfast or lunch. She said she'd like to but is very busy. If she wants to go, she'll reach out. I'll still call her on her birthday. I thought about just sending a text like she did for my birthday but that would be ego.

So many choices I could make that would be based in ego - like denying them the trip, or changing the passwords to all the streaming services. [After all, why should I cater to their entertainment needs when they can't be bothered with me?] Ego. Just actions fueled by hurt or fear or anger.

Big 'D' also seemed surprised that I am still planning on going to see Sunshine's school band and marching band perform at the fair on Thursday and Friday. But, as I explained to her, at this point I am not going for Sunshine [necessarily.] I am going for me. It has always been important to me to get to as many things as I could to support The Princesses and be there for them. This is her last year in high school. Why should I deny myself that one accomplishment just because my presence means nothing to her?

I'm not sure why I'm surprised at The Princesses walking away. I have had so many leave my life - just write me off and walk away. Very often it was family. Life goes on without me. I could disappear and no one would really notice. In fact, I have. 20 years ago, I would randomly and frequently disappear from parties. My "friends" never noticed.

I feel that way with the cast. There's an understudy. No one would be phased if I just wasn't there. It's not their fault. Knowing them has made me realize that I have difficulty connecting to people. I always have.

Well, I was feeling better and upbeat. Faith was winning. That is until I got into writing. As I realize how irrelevant I am to the world - how much of a failure I have always been in life - I can't help but wonder why I have a life at all. Why didn't the stroke kill me, instead of leaving me cripple and adding to the failure and irrelevance?Why couldn't I follow through in December 2018? Why didn't I cease to be the two times my soul left my body? Why did I come back after the Death in '98?

What is the point?

I don't know. But as long as I keep waking up I will keep the faith that there is a reason and a hope for better things.

I got so absorbed in that that I forgot two other things.

First, I was thinking about the wholew broken down to nothing built up stronger prophecy. Perhaps it was never about abundance or success. In a way, I am stronger. I am strong in spirit and will. I know very few people who could live the life I have and keep going. Very few who could get through it all while constantly pushing to make things better. So few who could find ways to make even the bleakest situation a lil more comfortable [such as my current life in The Cave.]

The other is my future course for a home. Next week the city opens up their waiting lists for public housing. So I will put in an application...and wait. In the meantime I am looking around but I just don't have the funds at the moment. But even when I get around to that point I haven't seen anything yet that can hold any of my furniture in storage. It's all big for a house. I have 2 dining tables that I could never fit into a small apartment. So now I will need to pay for an apartment and a storage unit full of stuff that I'll never use. Why was I inspired to keep it?

So I start thinking about New Orleans. Maybe it is time to return. The thing is, I can''t go now - I have the Theatre and therapy and The Seasonal Store. I'd go when that is all over but after all these years I am closer to getting my dental situation taken care of. If I leave before it is done, I will never get it done. Here's an ironic lil tidbit. The only reason I returned from New Orleans in 2021 - when the city wanted me so bad it broke The Vantasm trying to keep me - was because of The Princesses. I didn't want to leave them before Sunshine graduated high school. And now they're gone anyway.

I am just so lost and I thought I was regaining hope and faith. Not after this writing.

I have completely failed.

I have become completely irrelevant.

I can't even get caught up with video or find inspiration for new ones. Perhaps they too have become irrelevant. Another failure.

Still I will go to sleep tonight and wake in the morning trying to hold onto what little faith I have left.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt. And there is the newer TikTok @WTML23

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC:  Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak

Bat – Transition and Initiation

Symbols of initiation and rebirth. Implies a loss of one’s faculties if unwary about changes. Also holds the promise of rebirth and coming out of the darkness. The breaking down of the former self through intense tests. It is a facing of your greatest fears – that it is time to die to some aspect of your life that is no longer suitable to you. You are being challenged to let go of the old and create the new. You may see some part of your life go from bad to worse. That which worked before may no longer. The ability to move to new heights. The piercing of new barriers and the opening to higher wisdom. Awakens ability to hear spirit. An increasing ability to discern the hidden messages and implications of other people’s words. Listen as much to what is not being said. Trust your instincts. A new beginning that brings promise and power after the changes.

Cardinal - Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance

They remind us that, regardless of the time of day or year, we always have the opportunity to renew our own vitality and recognize our own life roles. Whistles are often reminders to listen closely - to pay attention to what is blowing on the winds. Reflects that we should be listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being. Almost always reflects a need to assert the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly. Can reflect a need to b more careful about your diet, that what you are eating may be injurious to yourself and affecting your overall vitality. Reflects the rhythm of 12 that is going to become more predominant within your own life. Reflects lessons associated with responsibility and the recognition of the task at hand. May reflect past-life connections with the church, or even a reviving of more traditional religious beliefs, regardless of denomination. Remind us to add color to our lives, and remember that everything is of importance.

Cricket –[from Spirit-animal.com]

Like the Ladybug and the Dragonfly, Cricket symbolism is a sign of exceptional luck. Furthermore, this spirit animal says that the things that you have been working toward and dreaming about are now possible.  Therefore, Cricket meaning directs you to stay open to guidance and messages so that you will know what you have to do. You may be guided to buy a lottery ticket, interview for a new job, or be in the right place at the right time. In other words, Cricket symbolism is letting you know that all things are possible right now. All you have to do is feel that you deserve it! Similar to the Robin and the Whale, people with Cricket totem know how to sing their songs loud and clear! In other words, they love to use the power of their voice to attract what they want in life. These folks also have a gift for finding their way through awkward moments with panache and aplomb. People with this spirit animal are excellent communicators, love to walk their talk and are often vegetarian. In fact, like the Deer totem, they understand the power of music and will usually have a career that uses music as a form of healing.

Crow - The Secret Magic of Creation is Calling

Magic and creation are potentials very much alive during the day. Alchemy. Represents “ingredients,” the initial state of substance - unformed but full of potential. A reminder of what an happen if we are not looking for magic and creation every day. Magic and creation are ‘cawing’ out to us every day. Health, home and respect. Working with crows can help you to see how the winds are going to blow into your life and how to adjust your own life flights. Finding a dead crow was a sign of good luck. Wherever crows are there is magic. Symbols of creation and spiritual strength. Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life. They are messengers calling to us about the magic that is alive within our world everyday and available to us. 

Deer – Gentleness and Innocence – Gentle Luring to New Adventures

They have been able to adapt to every sort of habitat. Buddha is often pictured with a deer. Antlers are symbols of antennae, connections to higher forms of attunement. Look for new perceptions and degrees of perceptions to expand for as much as the next five years. Can indicate that there will be opportunities to stimulate gentle new growth increasingly over the next few years. Leads us back to the primal wisdom. A deer’s senses are very acute. Find increasing ability to detect subtle movements and appearances. Begin to hear what may not be said directly. Time to be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. There is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? An opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you.

Goose - The Call of the Quest and Travels to Legendary Places

A totem reflecting a stimulation of the childhood thrill and belief in stories and legendary places. These stories either reflected an imprint for this life or they may have even imprinted you with certain seed ideas. Also be a totem to aid you in communication especially through the use of stories. Individuals wishing to write - be it stories or anything - can facilitate this process by working with the goose as a totem. It will stimulate the imagination and help move you through creative blocks. Also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. It may reflect a need for more vegetables in the diet, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian for a while. It reflects an ability to move forward or backward. It reflects movement, and a call to the spiritual quest. Stirs our imagination and makes us want to seek out new worlds and dimensions. Calling us to follow them on the great spiritual quest. It speaks of the fulfilled promises that great quests bring. Epitomizes the mystery of migration. Reminds us that as any one individual mass his or her quest, it becomes easier for others to do so as well. Reminding us that we should not undertake any quest in life without having a full view of what it entails. In this way the journey is facilitated for others. Reflects an opening to new possibilities. New directions and new possibilities. Reflects an openness to new ideas. Usually indicates we are about to affix ourselves to a new path. Reflects great fertility that should be acted upon if growth is desired. Greater vision, physical and spiritual, will occur. Can reflect that you are about to break free of old childhood restraints and begin to come into your own. You can expect to have the imagination stirred towards new travels to distant places - whether in the body or mind. 

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill. 

Heron - The Call of The Quest and Travels to Legendary Places.

Reflects a stimulation of the childhood thrill and belief in legendary places. [The story(s) we most loved in childhood often reflect the life quest we have come to take upon us in this lifetime.] Can also aid in communication especially through the use of stories. Individuals wishing to write can facilitate the process by working with a goose totem. It will stimulate the creative process and help to move through creative blocks. Also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. May reflect a need for more vegetables in the diet. An ability to move forward or backward. Reflects movement. A call to the spiritual quest. It reminds us that as any one individual makes his or her quest, it becomes easier for others to do so as well. We should not undertake any quest in life without having a full view of what it entails. Opening to new possibilities. Affix ourselves to a new path. Great fertility that should be acted upon if growth is desired. Greater vision, physical and spiritual, will occur. Can reflect that you are about to break free from old childhood restraints and begin to come into your own. You can expect to have the imagination stirred toward new travels and distant places - whether in the body or in the mind. 

Owl - The Mystery of Magic, Omens, Silent Wisdom, and Vision in the Night

Symbol of the feminine and the night. Ties to fertility and seduction. Bird of magic and darkness, of prophecy and wisdom. Symbolically associated with clairvoyance, astral projection and magic, both black and white. Hints of the light of the sun, alive in the dark of night. Meditation on this alone will reveal much about the magic of Owl within your life. Will be able to see and hear what others are trying to hide. What is not being said. See what is hidden or in the shadows. Detect and pinpoint the subtleties. Unique ability to see into the darkness of others’ souls. And life. Their medicine can extract secrets. If your neck is stiff and inflexible, you are hindering your perceptions to a great degree. Often reflects that you were born very perceptive - with a vision of others that you may or may not have recognized or acknowledged. Unique ability for seeing into the eyes and souls of others. Keep silent and go about your business. Eliminate those aspects that are not beneficial and unhealthy. 

Squirrel – Activity and Preparedness

The gray squirrel is the most common and the most enthusiastic. If confronted the gray squirrel will usually run away and avoid any fight. Predominant predators are foxes and raptors such as hawk or owl. Two litters per year. On their own in 12 weeks. All squirrels can be quite sociable. Individuals with squirrel totem learn better by doing than studying. Squirrels are also quite communicative. Examine your own activity and preparedness. Are you too active? Not active enough? Are not planning at all for the future at all – distant or near? Are you becoming too erratic – running to and fro and not accomplishing anything? Do you need to learn how to save and ration on any level – money, time, energy, etc? Are you afraid you will never have enough? Are you too hung up on collecting and accumulating? Are you gathering and not giving? Squirrels can teach us the balance within the circle of gathering and giving out. Masters at preparing. Also reminders that in our quest for our goals, we should always make time to socialize and play.