It Just Is What It Is

My mind Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. 

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true! 

WALT: Welcome to my Life is a Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

 Looch

BJ & The Bull

Ace

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Wilson

Zason

St. Diane & You (5)

Brother John & Sister Jen

The Bee Man

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Mayor & The Turkey Man

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, September 28, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Jive. Time...Divine

I have skipped The Trinity this week

The Post

 Grrrr. Argh. Ahhhh. Ugh. FUCK!!

I think that gets it all out.

It's dark times, Fellow Travelers. Very dark times and currently there does not seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel.

I've never quite felt as I have been feeling for weeks. I've had depression before. Plenty of it. I've felt lost before. But it has passed. I've even had thoughts [and plans] of suicide. Still, here I am.

But this is something different, something deeper.

I don't know if I can describe it - walk you through it - properly.

Let's get the worst of it out of the way. Then you can have your thoughts, Fellow Travelers. Though I tell you they won't matter much nor change anything.

Have I had suicidal thoughts?

Every. Fucking. Day.

It just is what it is. There's no need for discussion or exploring. For now, it is not a course I am going to pursue. Will I never? I cannot make that promise at this time. The thoughts come after hours of trying to make some sort of sense out of my life - not just where it as at now, but my existence as a whole. I just can't. I've got nothing right now.

My mind is constantly reeling, trying to grasp at something Even if I manage to catch something it is but a temporary victory. There's always some random piece of the puzzle that slips in and confuses me all over once more. So, ultimately, I come back to this. Perhaps it is the only way to end my torment.

It's not an option at the moment. Just something I keep tucked away. [For a rainy day?]

Quite frankly, Fellow Travelers, we can think of it as a safety measure. A last ditch escape before I completely lose my mind. [Which may actually be happening.]

My mind just cannot process anything that is happening. For weeks now. Perhaps months. I can't stop playing things over and over again - searching for a clue, some sliver of understanding.

I just can't find one.

I go back to November. I was living life. It was tough but I was getting through it. I was working it. Literally. Every day that I could. But I didn't mind because I had The Homestead. I didn't always make full use of it but I always knew its potential and I was always very grateful. I was working hard and often but it was with a Goal in sight and I was seeing myself slowly reaching it. I knew I had to just get through the end of the year and I things would start to balance out.

Then I had the stroke. [Which by the way will always be the funkiest thing I have ever felt/experienced. If it weren't for the damage it dies I would do that shit again in a heartbeat.]

That put my whole life in a tailspin. For months. Physically. Financially. My life was shaken and I was trying to recover. I told myself that the stroke was all part of G-d's plan. [Year 3 of a 3 year plan.] It made sense based on previous visions and meditations. It fit.

I believed whatever was happening was as much as part of the plan as finding and eventually living in The Homestead. Never did I think or believe that it would all lead to me losing The Homestead.

It was heart breaking and soul shattering. That home was so ideal. And, after the stroke, I was finally seeing the whole of my life in action. It was sensational. I have never felt so alive.

But, despite my efforts and prayers and faith I just couldn't hold onto it.

I don't understand. Everything was flowing. Everything was working. Then...BAM!

NOw here I am sleeping in Artemis and functioning out of the old cave. It is an oppressive existence. I have nothing to do. There's no Spirit Room for Tarot or Reiki or Magick. There's no currently functional workshop to craft. Theres no gardening or property work. All I can do is just sit here and be.

The problem is there is nothing left to be.

I do my delivery driving. But it's become a burden between car repairs and my difficulty moving. i do it...but I'm no longer finding the love in it. I don't know what to replace it with though. The money I make is decent for the time and effort put in but it does bring with it what seems a constant flow of car buills. Even with a different vehicle. First it was inspection and oil change and title, tags, etc. Then I just had to replace the alternator.

Yesterday the A/C stopped working. It's close to time to not neend it but they are still calling for some 80 degree days in the next week. That makes it hard to work. It makes it hard in general because without that A/C I have no escape nor relief from any heat and humidity. And there is no air flow in The Cave - try as I might to create it.

I've returned To The Seasonal Store...kind of. I worked several shits over a couple of weeks but now it seems to have fizzled out. We'll see. Nonetheless it has made me realize just how incapable I am. It is so hard to get through just a 3 hour shift. I want to do better for my life but I can't do anything. How do I find different work?

I've got the show at The Theatre. It really is such a thrill for me. It's wonderful to be on a stage again [when I thought I never would.] It's even better that it is with such a talented and wonderful group of people. And, as a special bonus, it's at The Theatre. I've always loved them so I'm honoured to be on their stage. But it is also bittersweet. It's a slap in the face remiding me that there are no roles for me except the one I'm doing. But, also, I see The Theatre functioning [which thrills me. I am so very happy for them.] But I see that there isn't a place for me there anymore. Even the energy towards me has shifted...and that is sad.

So I spend my days trying to find a urpose, a direction. I have none. So I just drift - aimlessly and pointlessly - through each passing day. It's honestly one of the most depressing experiences I've ever had.

All of these years, no matter how off things got, I always had my sights on something. This year [more than the rest] I touched every one of those visions at once. Now I find myself back at square one - literally - and I have nothing on which I can place my focus.

Woven among those thoughts of failure and hoplessness, I think about The Princesses. It is so sad that our relationships have become so strained. I don't really know what caused it. I have some ideas. Some seem valid...others maybe not so much. It's hard to say for sure because they don't really communicate their issues with me. They just basically cut me from their lives.

That hurts.

But it is what it is and I can do nothing abot it except detach and move on.

However, it gets me to thinking about how many people have cut me from their lives, or had problems with me. Some, like The Anomaly, were warranted. I did dumb, ego-based, things that just fucked everything up.

Others, such as Encyclopedia, were more about assumptions and misunderstandings. He placed so much responsibility on me for things I never did...and I just never bothered to correct him. Like the time he accused me of breaking the key in the lock of his store just so I could call him at midnight. Honestly, I had just been randomly inspired to call him. So I did. I knew nothing about the lock. Or the time he accused me of making him sick for not following my lead the night before. Truth is, I knew the night before that he would get sick if he did what he would do. I offered an alternative that I knew from experience would work. But, I did not explain to him that if he followed the path he was on he would get sick. [I knew this from much personal experience.] But, I didn't want him to accuse me of trying to manipulate him. [Which had become a common cry for him in those days.] Or, my absolute favorite of all time - when he accused me of leaving a cryptic message for him within the titles of the books in his case. He was partially correct. There was a cryptic message there. But I did not place it, nor was it meant for him. The fact that he saw it has always made me wonder just what kind of shady he was up to already at that point. For that is what the message was about. I know because it was left for me as a big scold for something I had done. I just happened to leave it there because I figured its purpose was served and it would fade away.

That's the problem with being known for working Magicks. Once people know they will blame you for everything about their lives that they do not like. ("WITCH!!") But if they truly understood magick they would know that I would have to be an idiot to do the things they accuse. [Or a glutton for karmic punishment.]

But all of these people and for the most part [such as The Princesses] all I've been doing is being me. Is 'Me' really such a terrible thing. I know that at one point in my life [prior to The Death] I most certainly was a little shit. But life changed me. I try to do no harm, not be intrusive, be upfront and honest. Still, I always manage to get someone mad and/or chase them off.

What's the point in being if being me is so detrimental and offensive? And it must be because here I sit - completely alone.

And so my mind goes.

Then it jumps to my social anxiety overall. I do not feel comfortable around anyone. The larger the gathering the more uncomfortable I become. I feel awkward and disliked. Very often I feel judged. Or worse...pittied. I love all my friends dearly. What none of them knows is that I don't actually feel cxomfortable around them. Not because of them. They're awesome people [or I wouldn't spend my time on them.]

It's all me. I feel awkward and disliked. I feel ridiculed. [Of course, I've been ridiculed - often by those closest to me.] Some of this stems from childhood trauma, I suppose. As well as life in Olde Geistopia. And my path has made me feel awkward. I've had experiences that no other seems to have shared. This makes it very difficult to relate and connect. The experiences are just way too bizarre. [And that is why I am here doing this, Fellow Travelers.]

On top of that, I have forever had a need for approval and acceptance - which has caused me to do many stupid things over the years. Also , these two maladies do not mix well.

On and on sifting through the 1,001 thoughts. [Like sands through the fucking hourglass.]

So, I travel on feeling so lost - not just now but through the whole of my life. I keep on keeping on, with no clear direction - no point, no purpose. I ache. Wishing for both a life and a death with each and every breath.

And, just as I hit my lowest low, this thing kicks in. This terrifying, confounding thing. That little spark inside each of us.

Faith.

My faith ignites and I start to look at blessings or advantages. For instance, my being here has turned into a blessing for Mayor Wolf. She had strokes and has lost most of her vision. My being back at Olde Geistopia has given her access to use me for some rides.

Or, I forgot just how quiet and still it in Geistopia. Mayor Wolf and I talked about it. There's an energy here. It's like there is a dome over a portion of the street and the houses within. It has forever been that way. It soothes the soul. I also forgot the magicks of Olde Geistopia. I was overwhelmed by them on Thursday. that day was just on fire. I was going to do a video about the magicks. But I was so overwhelmed that I sat down and passed out. I awoke and passed out several more times. I'm pretty sure at one point I woke and felt just to heavy so I passed out again - slumped over, head on the desk.

So I have these moments, these experiences that start to fuel me. I find a bit of motivation. A glimmer of hope. Like the eagle. I saw a bald eagle fly over Geistopia the other morning. Never in all my years have I seen an eagle here. But there it was, flying so low and so obvious. For me, Eagle is indicative of G-d himself. That just happened to be Thursday morning.

But then I think on my life and I wonder why I have such faith. After all theses years - decades - of poverty, struggle, misery why do I still have so much faith that one day something will be better for me?

So I start to wuestion and doubt. I begin to resent my faith...and then it will slap me in the face again. Like today. I was having a down day. I was in the dressing room getting ready for the show when I noticed the alligator on my hanger. That may seem like nothing but right off the bat that's a Totem. But also, I've had that hanger for weeks and never once noticed that alligator. My reaction was an audible chuckle followed by, "fuck you."

Of course, I had to look it up right away. That was too random to be random. there were messages that made sense. And some that didn't. Like, "use what you've learned." WTF have I learned from finally touching the life I chased for over 20 years and then having it ripped away from me?

And, so go my days. A constant up and down and back and forth. Every day is like a dream inside of a nightmare inside of a dream.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt. And there is the newer TikTok @WTML23

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC:  Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak

 Alligator – Primal Energies of Birth, Motherhood, and Initiation

There could not be death without life or life without death. The feminine principle of life, and therefore birth. Initiation – endings/beginnings. The culmination of knowledge on one level and the seeking for newer on others. Higher vision and clairvoyance. Don’t go too fast. Digest what you have learned and experienced before moving on. Look for an opportunity to touch primal energies. There is going to be an opportunity for strong birth and/or initiation that will open new knowledge and wisdom in life.

Cricket –[from Spirit-animal.com]

Like the Ladybug and the Dragonfly, Cricket symbolism is a sign of exceptional luck. Furthermore, this spirit animal says that the things that you have been working toward and dreaming about are now possible.  Therefore, Cricket meaning directs you to stay open to guidance and messages so that you will know what you have to do. You may be guided to buy a lottery ticket, interview for a new job, or be in the right place at the right time. In other words, Cricket symbolism is letting you know that all things are possible right now. All you have to do is feel that you deserve it! Similar to the Robin and the Whale, people with Cricket totem know how to sing their songs loud and clear! In other words, they love to use the power of their voice to attract what they want in life. These folks also have a gift for finding their way through awkward moments with panache and aplomb. People with this spirit animal are excellent communicators, love to walk their talk and are often vegetarian. In fact, like the Deer totem, they understand the power of music and will usually have a career that uses music as a form of healing.

Eagle - Illumination of Spirit, Healing, and Creation. 

Balance of being of the Earth, but not in it. The soul, the spirit, and warmth of life. The resurrection. Punishment and reward. Greater sight and perception. Reflects an awakening ability or the need to learn to walk between worlds. Heroic nobility and divine spirit. The rediscovery of the inner child. Alchemy. Involvement with creativity. A willingness to experience extremes in a controlled condition. A willingness to use your passions to purify and to use your abilities, even if you get scorched a little in the process. The need to stay connected to and use things of the Earth. Important to know when to speak, how much, how strongly. New vision will open. The ability to hear - spiritually and physically - may also increase. Cooperative responsibility. A healing role. Opportunities (even those thought long lost) will arise - learn to see and snatch them up. A new sense of timing and movement will begin to develop Primal force inherent and easily awakened. Take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be. Events will now fly faster, repercussions for everything you think, do and say (or fail to) - positive and negative - will be both stronger and quicker. A powerful new dimension to life and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth. Touch all of life with healing and become the mediator and the bearer of new creative forces within the world. 

 Skunk - Sensuality, Respect, and Self-Esteem

Teaches how to give respect, expect respect, and demand respect. It helps you to recognize your own qualities and assert them. Can teach you how to be more self-assured and how to assert yourself. The owl should be studied as it is a contrary medicine. Teach us how to get more attention without being arrogant and irritating. Sometimes it shows up to help us deal with those people in our life who are outrageously irritating. The sense of smell has ties to sensuality and sexuality. The use of fragrances will elicit dynamic responses in those associated with. Can usually expect to experience stronger sexual responses to others and in their response to you. A greater ability to attract people will begin to unfold. Cycles. Must learn to balance the ability to draw and repel people. There is a natural cycle. Solitary animal. There are times best for drawing people and there are times to avoid people. Indication of the active flow of the Kundalini or life force (ties to the sexual energies and the life force active in every aspect of the life process.) Kundalini is usually already active. Time to amplify and teach the use and control of this life force more effectively. The ability to be able to turn on and off the creative force and direct it along several lines. Good for those people with this totem not to blow their own horn. Sit back and let others do the noticing for you. Teach you when it is best to be noticed and how o go about it most effectively. Going to have opportunities to bring out new respect and self-esteem. Lessons and times associated with increased sensuality physically, sexually, psychically, and spiritually. Examine your self-image. People are going to notice you. How they notice and remember can be controlled by you.