S2:EP 18 - The Cliff Hanger (Or, Season Finale)

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. 

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Yeah, it’s true. 

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co. 

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound 

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

The Nameless One

All the People in My ‘Neighborhood’

White Gurl

The Anomaly 

Good Man, Charlie Brown

Someone Else

Jim

The Rox

CCPA

The PA F&AM

PDT

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

My Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous. 

It is…Friday, December 20, 2019. Time...Shadowy.

For me, tomorrow, marks the beginning of Yule - the most magickal and potent two weeks of my year. So much tends to happen in these two weeks. So much seems to shift and change. It is the one time of the year, more than any other, I seem capable of just letting go and letting G-d. I can’t say that I have ever been disappointed in the results. 

I also, generally, use December 21st as the Solstice ‘Observed.’ This year, however, it is the date of the actual Solstice. [Yule Observed’ for everyone else lol.] It is about this day, every year, that I find myself in a frenzy. I go into overdrive, locking myself in the workshop, taking brief naps, eating just enough to not be hungry. 

Every year I have a list. It is a list of gifts to be made. They are not just any gifts. Each is infused with just enough Spirit, just enough magick, to make them appropriate. The list develops over the course of a few weeks - starting with Thanksgiving. It is a special list indeed. A direct request from that jolly imp of the north. The Christmas Spirit reigns supreme at this time of year, for me anyway. (Thy will be done…)

As of this post, it has been two weeks since I had my first shift at The Distributor. 

As of this writing, it has been quite an intriguing journey. 

If you remember, I was ready to start at The Distributor, but wasn’t quite feeling it. I was left with this very uneasy and uncomfortable feeling. It was suggested that, perhaps, it was the ‘big change’ to my life that was leaving me not so settled. 

Of course. That makes perfect sense. After all, this was all so completely new to me - not just the job, but the industry and the shift. Of course, the money, as well, would be something the likes of which I have not known before. Pre-Newness Jitters. The simplest and most obvious of explanations - right before the eyes and almost overlookable. 

The process in getting the job was no easy task. It was riddled with difficulties, set-backs, and delays. In fact, at one point I had given up on it altogether and chose to aim my pursuits in a different direction. Enter The Parent Company. 

I pulled strings and favors, in my hour of desperation in job hunting. My window to find my next job was quickly closing. The Distributor wasn’t panning out. I needed to do something and I could see myself with this company. I could see a future with them. If not with The Parent Company itself then with The Seasonal Store. So, I swung some deals and got myself in the door. However, there was one minor glitch. 

The pay wasn’t going to be all that significant. This was not so much my problem as the fact that the only stores available with a management position were both over an hour away. I made the drive to what would be my home store for my interview. It was over 90 miles round-trip. The MattMobile doesn’t do so good on gas to begin with, plus there is this whole ‘leaking gas tank’ thing going on. 

So, I wasn’t as concerned about not making a lot of money. Not at first anyway. I figured it was a long enough drive with quite a bit of commercial development along the route. Certainly, I would be able to pick up some side gigs here and there to supplement some income. After all, the reason I don’t take those jobs is that it’s not generally worth the travel if I’m not already going that way. [Or, unless I can put together a strong and solid day of work in conjunction.]

So, plans were set in motion. I even convinced them to start me earlier than they had intended so that I could get at least one week’s pay as soon as possible. I had that whole back child support thing hanging over my head, so I was looking to have something with which to work to resolve that. I wouldn’t get the pay in time to make the payment and avoid court, but at least it would give me something with which to bargain. The first pay, I was told, would be only days after that court appearance. 

But, I also wanted to get the income flowing again. I was in my final days of The Seasonal Store and there was only one more week of pay left. So, I would have enough to keep on keeping on for a time - just not all that long. 

The drive was not only a lot of miles and gas used, it was also at least an hour and a half one way. The more I looked at this, the more I realized that it would actually become quite difficult to schedule and manage the side work. Then I got a call that informed I had been incorrectly informed previously. The first pay wouldn’t come until the week following when I was told. It would be a full two week pay at that point, but that would also mean another week I would have to survive financially - including that drive to and from work. 

I began to wonder if I was making a ‘wrong’ choice. If that were the case, my only other recourse at that point was to try again with The Distributor. All I was trying to do was secure the job and paycheck before my scheduled court date. 

I was conflicted, to say the least. I wanted this job with The Parent Company. As I said, I could see myself getting into it, embracing it. But, suddenly, it didn’t seem so practical. 

Imagine that. Me trying to have a practical and rational thought. I suppose it was the rarity of such an occurrence that added to my concerns. So, I tried to recover the contact information for The Distributor, but with no luck. Once again, it seemed as though the clock was ticking. 

I did the only thing I knew to do - I put it out to G-d, The Universe, T.O.T.S. I asked for guidance, a sign. I wanted something concrete and definite. I didn’t have time for riddles or rhyme. I just wanted to be on a path to the future - working towards a home and a life. I wanted to get back to The Princesses. 

It was all very difficult for me. Here I was with a job that I was insistent that I wanted, but it came with such a cost. That goal of ‘The Future’ was looking pretty far off, let alone getting caught up the way I’d like. Should I continue along that path? More than anything, I was struggling because I suddenly felt as though I was doubting G-d. After all, Spirit had brought me this far. Faith had prevailed time and time again. But the investment to pull it off would be so great and challenging and may even lead to greater problems. But, The Distributor was right here. It was closer and the pay was better. Plus, they were offering overtime. [Well, not really ‘offering.’] Both companies have benefits, but, that wasn’t so much a concern at the time. I needed to take care of business before I took extra money out of my pay. 

So, I put the question out to G-d and set about my day. It wasn’t long after my prayer that I would find an email from The Distributor in my inbox. If that wasn’t enough to jostle the senses, there would be more seemingly synchronistic moments. Including, The Hawk. 

I had received the email and then on that same drive, in a short span of driving, I would receive a second message that definitely seemed to be gearing me towards The Distributor. Here I was wrestling and struggling with my feelings because I felt like I was doubting the power of Faith and it seemed, much to my chagrin, that I was actually being led to The Distributor. Then it happened. 

I could feel the Hawk. I looked up, almost expecting to see him in flight. There was nothing. This didn’t surprise me really. They’re not always right up in my face when I sense them. Sometimes there is a good mile or so to go before I spot them. But, I always tend to feel them. Then the voice spoke, “When you see The Hawk you will know.” 

Shortly after that, on the same stretch of highway, I would spot The Hawk perched off to my left. It seemed pretty definite to me that I was being led down this different path. So different than what I had planned. Still I struggled. 

I would put it out to my Facebook community. I didn’t know what to do. I even had a long debate with The Warden over it. Inevitably, we would find ourselves running the same circle I had been in for at least a day already. The Distributor provided much more ‘security,’ which I needed. The Parent company fed my soul, which I needed. We came to no definite resolution, short of, “do what you think is best.”

But, that’s what I didn’t know. What was best? The Facebook community would be small in it’s responses. Four people voiced their opinions/insight. The first person would say that I should stick with The Parent Company. After all, Faith had carried me this far, he said. Plus, he added, Slow & Steady Wins the Race. The other three responses were in favor of The Distributor. After all, it was the more practical and reasonable option. 

So, at the very last moment possible, I made the decision. I got everything arranged with The Distributor, and with great trepidation, I made the needed calls to The Parent Company withdrawing myself. I had to do something to get myself back on track, after all. This choice would not only save me on gas and drive time but it would provide more financial structure. Not to mention the fact that it would put me back on track with paychecks to still have a check available just days after my court appointment. Though, even this choice would still leave me with a dilemma, an obstacle or challenge to overcome. Just as with The Parent Company, I was going to have to generate some income to live off of until I received my first pay. 

So, all of this goes down on The Day Before Thanksgiving. [I am stressing The Day Before here.] I called The Parent company and, with knots in my stomach and a lump in my throat, I told them that I had to accept this other job. We seem to have left things on good terms and hopefully it does not blemish me too much for the future.  (Oh, the ‘future’ - that inevitably degrading word.) I hung up the phone and went about my Holi-day process. I didn’t really have anything planned, but then I rarely do anything on Holi-days anyway. Hoagie was going away for several days and Cuddlebug’s boyfriend was visiting so I wouldn’t see the Princesses until Saturday night. 

Thursday would be as it was. There was nothing major in either direction. Just a day like any other day. Then Friday, it would happen. I would get a call from the same agent who scheduled me with The Distributor. They had realized that the day after I was to start was Cyber Monday and, being an online shipping company, they wanted to defer all new hires one more week. I thought it was interesting because I had been feeling apprehensive about it all in the first place. I blogged about how something didn’t quite seem right. That was when someone had asked if maybe it was just the big changes. Yet, here it was. This was the moment I was feeling. [Or, was it?]

This would do a number of things. Well, really, it would do one thing. But, that one thing would impact things across the board. The delay in start dates also brought with it a delay in paychecks. This meant that I would not have that date, so closely following court, with which to bargain. It meant that I wouldn’t have that money at all for four weeks. I was also left with figuring out how I was going to pay for things such as gas and food for a month, not to mention pay car insurance which would be coming quickly and overdue at that. 

It would be shortly after that call that Hoagie would call and say that he was coming back earlier than expected. This would mean that I wouldn’t be able to have the Princesses overnight. I was devastated. I felt broken. How, when I am trying to make the best choices, can things go so horribly awry? 

Now, some things happened along the way. 

I was able to schedule some time with The Princesses for that Sunday. I was heading down to that end of The Valley anyway, so I figured I could at least snag them for some coffee. I also managed to get a gig helping someone with a move and getting gifted [loaned] some money on top of that. Between the two, I was able to take care of some gas and groceries, and pay the back support needed to not have to appear in court. It also afforded me the chance to actually take the girls to lunch. [Which turned out to be a good thing because apparently there isn’t much food at Old Geistopia these days.]

This didn’t solve all of my problems. I still had to survive and function for several weeks and there would eventually be that car insurance payment. 

On the flip side of things, I used this new ‘extra’ time to just gel and groove. For instance, on the day I helped with the move I would also be inspired towards a mini-quest. I can’t say for certain what that quest brought me. There was income involved. The Quest dropped me someplace where I was able to make $48 in just a few minutes time. It allowed me to visit with an associate from The Seasonal Store. And, it left behind whisperings of The Rabbit Hole: Coffee Bar & Emporium. 

I am certain, however, that whatever it was...it is not quite finished. 

I did pursue those whisperings, investigated them a little further. So far, they have reaped me nothing. 

Onward and upward. 

That week would continue on. I’m not sure how it went. Tuesday through Saturday night is really a blur. Saturday would find me at a Day Before. The Day Before the new job. As I reached Saturday night, I found myself [mostly] prepared. I had some gas in the tank. I had some food to muddle through a day or two and I had the slightest bit of funds, but nowhere near what I needed to even get through the week.  I did receive another gift [loan] that would help that matter Just Enough. 

Saturday night I would lay down to sleep around 2000-2030. This was way too early considering my day didn’t actually begin until 1800 on Sunday. Fortunately, I only slept a few hours and by midnight I was wide awake and piddling around The Dormitory, keeping myself occupied and amused in any way that I could. Around 0630, I finally laid down to sleep - hopefully for most of the day. 

This would not be the case. By 0730 I was awake and unable to sleep. I had never really slept in the first place. I would lay there, mind and heart racing. Then I would slowly be able to drift off...but only ever for a moment. Then I would be there awake again. 

At 0730 I would get up and then try again at 0830. It was the same routine and by 0930 I would be getting off the cot once more. At 1030 I would make one final attempt to get at least close to the right amount of sleep. Unfortunately, it would yield the same results and by 1130 I would declare myself officially awake. 

At some point before I drifted off on Saturday night I would make a blog post, expressing how I was really feeling in the moment. I can only imagine, based on the sole comment to it, that it was not received well. In the comment I was told to, “make an investment” in myself, to just do this and get my life back on track, and to “suck it up.” [That comment would come a day or two after the post.]

At 1800 I would report to The Distributor for the first time. [If I said 1830 previously it is because that was the actual start time for the shift but the first day had a slightly different time.) I had psyched myself up for this. I took deep breaths, accepting that this was to be my course. It was not where I wanted to be but I would certainly make the most of it. Someone even suggested that perhaps I would, to my surprise, like it [and, I imagine, make somewhat of a career from it?] 

The first shift was a whole lot of orientation and learning and paperwork. It wouldn’t be until long after the lunch break that we would actually start to get trained on the piece of machinery we would be driving around. 

I’ll be honest - there was absolutely nothing about this scenario that was making me comfortable. The truth is, on more than one occasion, I compared the feeling I had to the one I had while I was in prison. It weighed on me. It didn’t make me comfortable. The environment alone was stifling. Still, it had purpose. I was there for the money. That’s what I kept telling myself. I had a goal in sight and this was my stepping stone towards it. 

Yet, that thought, “I’m doing it for the money,” would always be followed by the Principle If You’re Doing it for the Money, You’re Missing the Point. There was also the constant echoing of “One cannot serve mammon and G-d at the same time.”

Still, I pressed on. 

During our initial moments the HR representative introduced himself and explained how he started as a temp six years ago and had moved up and was very happy. “So, you never know,” he said, “you might find something here.”

“I might,” I thought. But, it’s not very likely. Still, Anything is Possible. 

Like I said, after lunch, they would begin training us on the machinery. I wouldn’t go until almost the end and didn't quite have the time with it that others did. So, they were going to start me off with a little more of that the next night. This was fine by me because I was having some difficulty with it anyway. 

Now, I want to take a moment - just a brief one - to mention that both Sunday night and Monday I would find myself with quite a bit of pain in my lower back. It was difficult to even sit. Maybe it was from all the sitting we were doing that first night. Whatever it was, I found it odd, because it was the kind of pain I have come to associate with financial concerns. 

Nonetheless...

The shift ended and I returned to The Dormitory. I think I managed four hours of sleep before the weight would set on me. I didn’t have time to sleep. I still needed to make money to get through the week and pay some bills. The only resource I had available for that was some resell items which needed to be posted and some crafts which needed to be finished. Eventually, and with great nervousness, I would get off the cot and begin to work towards that. I had even tried to do a video post. Three times I would try. The day was just off and I couldn’t quite get myself focused into anything enough to make it productive. I realized that this was most likely a side effect of the lack of sleep. But that didn’t change the fact that I needed to get this stuff done and nothing had been accomplished before I would leave for my shift on Monday night. 

I spent the day on Monday psyching myself up for my second shift and the drive in was no different. The only thing I can compare it to is getting myself ready for a show. It’s a whole mind/body/spirit thing and I was basically trying the same approach with this. It’s not that I was completely hating this, but it wasn’t quite feeling right either. So, I envisioned myself in the warehouse. I pictured myself doing my job. I reminded myself that this was a temporary stepping stone. I was in it for the money…

(...and...if you are doing it for the money, you are missing the point...plus...one cannot serve mammon and G-d at the same time.)

I was doing it for the money. It’s true. I took no shame in this either. It wasn’t the proudest choice I ever made, but I took no shame in it.  Two weeks, four weeks, eight weeks. What did it matter if in the end I had made that money. Ohhh...and the things I could do with it - get caught up, get paid back, fix or replace [eventually] the MattMobile. 

Traffic on the service road was much worse than it had been the previous night. I found myself glad that I had left just a little bit early. I was going to make it inside with Just Enough time. I pulled into the parking lot, found the closest parking spot - which was the furthest from the entrance - took a deep breath, and started my way inside. 

I was ready for this. I was. It was a challenging day and very little got accomplished but I was at work and I was ready for this. I spent my moments visualizing myself on the machine, driving through the warehouse. I was ready for this. 

It was just myself and another new hire who needed to go on the machine. Everyone else moved ahead to Phase 2 of the Learning Process. [Please pronounce that Pro as in pros and cons. It’s just so very British.]

First up was the training corral. Or, is it the Learning Corral. I noticed The Distributor doesn’t seem to deal in Training...its ‘Learning.’ *shrugs.* I didn’t do so hot in here. I was definitely rough around the edges. Still, the Learning Ambassador *shrugs again* suggested we take a spin on the floor. Oddly enough, I did much better on the actual warehouse floor. 

I pulled back in the corral, dismounted, and then waited patiently for the other new hire to finish. From there, we would make our way to Phase 2 where we would ‘Learn’ *overdramatic shrug* the handheld device. This was an actual section of The Warehouse, but not one we should expect to find ourselves in too often. Our job was out there...in the machines. 

On our walk over I began, as I always do, to talk with The Learning Ambassador. He had been with The Distributor for a year and a half. He was taking classes [in IT, I believe.] The company was paying all but $200 of the cost. “And,” he said,” I am under no obligation to them. My last employer would have made me work it off after. These guys don’t care.”

“Interesting,” I thought. And then I thought back to a discussion earlier that evening. I was talking with the Lead Learning Ambassador…

WALT: Oh, for the love of G-d, man! Just say, “Trainer”!!!

*sigh of relief* I was talking with the Lead Trainer earlier in the shift. One of my difficulties with the machine is my lack of depth perception. True story - I have no spacial relations. You should see me trying to parallel park. Anyway, I do have a pair of glasses that helps with that when I’m driving the car. The prescription is very old but they still work. The problem is that they only have one arm. Well, that and the fact that I couldn’t find them at the time. I started to think that maybe I left them at The Putter’s. 

When I mentioned my prescription and broken arm [on the glasses] the Trainer said I should definitely get on the benefits package. He said it was very good and that they helped him almost immediately with some issues.

Suddenly I found myself thinking about the possible advantages of this job. I hadn’t planned on doing benefits right away - for the same reason I wasn’t going to with The Parent Company. I wanted to accumulate the money and balance things out. But, I mean, medical, dental, vision, 401K.

Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. 

After this round of training, it was time to mount a machine and hit the floor. There was only about an hour before the lunch break, so I wasn’t too stressed out about it. Maybe I should have been.

No. It really wasn’t that bad. I got comfortable with the controls relatively quick. My stress came with the section to which the handheld sent me. It wasn’t the rows of shelves that we had spent all that practice time driving through. It was a bulk section. Items were stacked together on pallets. The ‘Bin’ numbers were on the floor. Most of them were worn away. 

We only ever drove past this area, never through it. I was on the Machine with two different trainers and we did not scope this out at all. That I would have remembered. It was so very different than the rest of the floor...and I couldn’t find anything I needed. Eventually, I found someone who explained to me that the ‘Bin’ numbers go by 5s. [Well, now that was going to make things much easier.] It was the same on the floor, but I don’t remember ever being told that even when we were going through the aisles. 

Anyway, I managed to gather my things. Soon it looked as though I might actually know what I was doing. This was an illusion caused by the full cage I was toting on the back of The Machine. It had filled rather quickly due to two pick orders in a row requesting a total of 17 of one large boxed item. I delivered the cage to its next home and hooked up its replacement. 

‘Lo and behold, it was time for lunch. I drove the Machine back to the pit. As I made my way back, I noticed all the people heading to the break room. Many of them already forming a mob at the end of the hall. I’m guessing they weren’t actually allowed to go to the break room until break time. I don’t know why they were all just standing there with what looked like security guards blocking their way. All I could think was, “Cattle.”

I parked The Machine, dismounted and made my own way to the break room. On my walk there, I got that sensation again. That same sensation I had had the night before. The one that reminded me of being in prison. I really didn’t like that feeling. I suddenly became aware of just how ‘industrial’ my environment was. I was certainly out of my element...and it was rather suffocating. 

After lunch, I returned to my Machine and headed back out on the floor. This time I would be in the aisles. Up and down the aisles. Back and forth. Round and round. At some point on that drive I thought about how monotonous it all was, how mind-numbing. “But, it’s only temporary,” I told myself, “and think of all that money.”

It was not  just the money that had me taking this particular job. There was something else at play. Something you may or may not know. 

You see, I had asked to return to Old Geistopia. Not to be in the house, but to rent The Cave. It was getting harder and harder to manage my life out of The MattMobile and I was so very unproductive. I needed to find a way to resolve that. I needed a place from which I could work. 

Early on in this little family adventure, I had been told three times by two different people that Big ‘D’ had said if I wanted to return all I had to do was ask. One person was The Putter, twice. The Other was my Cuddlebug. 

So...I asked. 

I asked earlier than you might imagine. It was late August, maybe early September when I sent that email. It took a few days to get a response. She would have to consider things [at that point I hadn’t yet suggested being only in The Cave,] and there would have to be a family meeting. 

Eventually, she would send a more definite response. In order to come back I would have to have a FT, permanent job that covered my expenses and I would have to contribute to the household expenses. I could understand most of this. I pointed out that I had The Seasonal Store. 

The response was, “That is temporary. When you are done with that and have found something else we can talk.” 

When I’m done with that? That would be November. 

My original response also included two questions. How much would I be expected to ‘contribute’? And, to which expenses? [I like to know what I am paying for.]

Big ‘D’ was ok with the November thing. It would all just wait until then. She didn’t answer the questions though. I sent another response. This time, telling her what my thoughts truly were. I could understand her wanting my income to cover my expenses. That’s kind of what I'd like as well. I can understand her wanting me to contribute financially to the household. That request was probably long overdue. I did have one problem though. 

I told her it wasn’t for her to tell me how I had to make that money. Keep in mind, it was August. I was truly just beginning to revel in the experience I was having. I had just gotten done giving the reigns to G-d. So, I couldn’t promise what kind of job with which I would end up. It could be a FT job. It could be several PT jobs. It could end up a hodge-podge of this, that, and dee udder. THAT was between me and G-d. It was also at this point that I suggested maybe just renting The Cave. After all, that was all I really needed. I needed a place my soul could rest peacefully. I needed a place where I could get myself grounded and centered and focused. I needed a place from which I could work. That was what I needed. I could figure everything else out along the way. 

She could not consider my proposal at that time. [Her words.]

This was all long before The Distributor came into the picture, so when it originally came to be, I sent another email explaining that I had found this job. 

She replied. 

She was very happy that I had found that job; However, before she could consider letting me come back, even to the Cave, I would have to actually start the job and stay with it for some time. [What does that mean? One month, two months, six months, a year?]

So, I drove mindlessly down the aisles, reminding myself of all the reasons I was here. Then it happened...and everything would change. 

The job requires that the Machine lift the Operator in the air 40 feet. I do have a problem with heights. It’s not so much a fear, as I thought most of my life. It’s more like I get slight Vertigo. I get disoriented and sometimes nauseous and I am just out of sorts across the board. Whatever it is, it’s a problem. I know I have the problem, but I always think I can overcome the problem. So...up I went. 

The first time only took me about half way up and it wasn’t too bad. But, I looked to the top and wondered. Eventually, my picking would take me that 40 feet. [I say, “eventually,” but it was only within a few picks.] The first time I went to the top wasn’t terrible. I managed. I moved very, very slowly. I did not look down. But, I managed. With a sigh of relief, I brought the lift down to its resting place. 

One would think that by the fifth time to the top I would be much more comfortable with things. This was not the case. Someone had suggested that perhaps the lift was swaying just a bit more due to the now extra weight. Whatever it was, it was not good. 

I got up to the top. I was moving even slower than I had the first time. I scanned the bin. I turned and put the scanner down and suddenly I found that I couldn’t turn back to actually pick up the item. I tried, several times and to no avail, to tell my body to move. Finally, my wrist turned and twisted the handle, and soon I would find myself back down from the rafters. 

My body shook a bit. I took a breath and sighed some relief. I needed to move the machine so a co-worker could do his thing in the aisle. I drove off, without the item, wondering how I was going to handle this. At first, I thought about going to find someone. Instead, I decided to spin around and give it another shot. I pulled into place, took a breath, and...nothing. 

I couldn’t bring myself to lift the machine. My body was trembling. I was disoriented. If you want to understand what I was feeling, it was very akin to the shock/trauma you might feel after something even as simple as an amusement park ride that startles the body. 

Well, this time, for certain, I was going to have to find someone. This took me an hour. I traveled back and forth over that warehouse, being sent from this person to that one, until finally, after an hour, I was able to talk with someone who could help me. Along the way there were a couple whispers of me having to get a doctor’s note for the heights. This was never officially spoken, and that’s probably best. 

I explained my situation to the manager. I told him that I didn’t mind coming back and trying again the next night but that there was no way I could go back up tonight. I wasn’t trying to leave, I was just explaining that in the two and half hours we had left I wasn’t going to be able to get myself grounded enough to go back up. Unfortunately, I was told that there was no place on the floor he could put me that night. Everything was staffed to the max. So, he explained, I could either go back on the machine and go up or I could go home and use my unpaid personal time. 

I went home. 

I was told that I needed to come back in the following night, early if possible, and talk to HR about the problem. The manager could not promise me that they would be able to re-train me into another position. So, I left a little more than two hours early, using my unpaid personal time, which would mean losing a total of 3 hours of pay.

I returned to The Dormitory and went right to bed. I slept in that morning. In fact, I slept a lot that day. I was spent. I kept trying to get up and do stuff because, in my mind, here I was losing a day of productivity. Keep in mind, this job would not get me out of the woods completely. I still had three weeks to go and desperately needed to generate some inward cash flow. 

When Hoagie got home from work, he would find me sitting there trying to prep myself to go in for another shift. After all, I did say that I was more than willing to come back that night and give it another try. But, he could tell something wasn’t quite right.

We had a conversation and I explained what had happened the night before. I can’t remember his exact words, but the gist of them was - why are you doing this to yourself. My only response was to break down in tears and say, “because if I don’t do this, I won’t have the money to rent a room on New Year’s Eve and I won’t see my daughters.”

“Interesting that you should bring that up,” he said. It turns out he had put some thought into that earlier in the day. He devised a plan to make arrangements to stay somewhere overnight so that I could have the girls at The Dormitory. [We’re still waiting to find out if it will work for that night or wait till another.]

It was at this point I made my decision. Hoagie was very clear that he would support me in deciding to pursue another avenue and take the time to find a job that would work across the board. It was better than watching me put myself through that. 

Within moments of making that decision, Hoagie would comment, “Dude, your whole spirit has lifted up already.”

Wisconsin would make a similar statement the next day. “I can already sense your light coming back.” I thought it was an interesting observation. Just before I read that text, I noticed I was feeling odd and off. But, it wasn’t in a bad sense. It felt more like a healing process. I could even feel more of a healing in my back.

I thought about this job. This job that so many people were treating as if it were the best thing that has happened to me. It’s true, there was some good money to have been had. Certainly more than I had made before. And just as I thought those two previous nights, the longer I stayed the more I could make and the more caught up I could get. But, I had gone into this with a plan. There were several purposes behind this job. First, I wanted the overtime. Due to the delays, I had missed all but two weeks of that.  I had wanted this job to have in my pocket while dealing with the court. Not only had that issue come and gone and been settled [for now] before my actual start date, but I learned in the process that they don’t really care if I have a job. They only care if they are getting their money. I guess it’s unimportant to them where it comes from. And, I was hoping to use it as a bargaining chip with Old Geistopia. But, what I wanted from that was a place to lay my head, a place to rest and ground and center, a place from which I could work. Hoagie had given me all of that when he offered to let me stay at The Dormitory for the winter months. I had all of it, including an actual workshop that we put together in an unused portion of the apartment. 

Hoagie’s question rang truer than ever in those moments. Why was I putting myself through this? There are a lot of jobs out there. They might not all pay as much, or have the same kind of benefits, but there are jobs out there. Why did I feel I needed to work at this particular place? Was it to prove something? Was it worth what I was putting myself through? Wisconsin’s words were, “It’s not worth selling your soul.” And, that’s exactly how I felt. [Interesting side note: Within a few days I would come across a Jesus quote from Matthew 16:26 “For what will it profit a man, if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul (life)Or what shall a man give in return for his soul (life)?”]

So, life moved on. On Wednesday morning, I decided to pursue other ‘career’ options. I have contemplated getting back into fast food management. [Maybe I said that already.] On Tuesday, I had been reminded of this as I went through a drive-thru and saw the hiring sign. So, Wednesday, I went online and filled out the application. Then I reached out to a friend/associate who still works for the company - and, in a management capacity.

Anyway, I was now going to go back to focusing on making the money I needed right now. That actually wasn’t so hard at first. Within a few hours I had received an offer to do a route of Retail Merchandising gigs on Thursday - for payment on Friday. This was significant because this particular company has a regimented pay cycle and has never had that kind of turn around.

I did those jobs on Thursday. I spent 11 hours out on the road that day. Now, granted, I did stop by The Putter’s for a little R&R, but most of that day was work/responsibility oriented. Thursday, as a whole was a good day. Not only was I able to work and make some income, but I visited with friends, and did grocery shopping and took care of all sorts of things as I bounced to and fro. It made me long for that on a regular basis. Thursday was definitely my kind of day.  11 hours. 100 miles. I drove all over The Valley and a little bit beyond. I did different jobs at different stores with different people. I saw and learned new things along the way. I took care of business - copies and gas and lunch. And, I made time for friends. It was a perfect and well-balanced day. 

The pay did come on Friday night - even for the job I had to return to on Friday to clarify something. Also, before Friday would come to a close, I would schedule a long-distance Reiki session. My first, in fact. I would also get the pay for that. 

So, Friday revolved around work, with a bit of social activity along the way. Saturday would be more on the social spectrum, since The Professor would be down off the mountain to visit everyone on his birthday. Sunday’s focus was primarily on the Reiki session - both before and after.

So, now, here is an interesting thing to note - I needed that money from the merchandising and Reiki. I needed it exactly when I got it. It bought me food, put gas in the MattMobile and paid a bill, leaving me Just Enough left over to do with as I needed. That’s not really the interesting part. For me, the interesting part is that I wouldn’t have been able to do either day if I had till been at The Distributor. I can’t fathom how I could have worked 10 ½ hours, getting home at 0530, and then been up and out on the road for 11 hours starting at 0800. Especially considering I would have had to be to work  at 1830. And, The Reiki session was very intense. I enjoyed it, but it wiped me out. I would have never been able to recover from that and then gone to a full 10 ½ hour shift. 

Today is that Sunday, and only half way through the story of our journey. Or, is it the journey of our story? So, shall we continue then?

As the day began I was feeling settled and satisfied. I still needed to survive the week, and at the end of it I would need money for my car insurance. That part would be taken care of before the day was out, I picked up a gig on Saturday that will give me Just Enough money in Just Enough time to pay the bill. Now all that was left was to get through the week itself and to Saturday. 

As I laid down to sleep that night, I meditated a bit - as I always do. It is always the first 10 to 20 minutes of my sleep. I lie down on my back, assume the proper position and drift off into a somewhat semi-conscious state. Very often I go so deep that I have no recollection of my experience - other than that it was had. But, sometimes I’m able to catch a glimpse as I drift between perceptions.

Sunday was one of those times. As I drifted and lingered between worlds, I heard the word, “Tomorrow.” If you have been with me for some time, Fellow Travelers, then you know this is often a common occurrence. It happens mostly in times of stress when I am praying for, and seeking, guidance or understanding. Occasionally, it just happens when there’s something of which I need to be aware. 

Sometimes, the “tomorrow” is obvious. Something very significant will happen. Sometimes it is subtler and I must seek it out. Still, there are other times I leave the day with no idea just what “tomorrow” was all about. 

So, “tomorrow” came. On Monday, I would get up and set myself to working on crafts. I still had money to make. The only resource I was aware of were my crafts. All of the things that are in progress are Christmas oriented, so I figured I had better get on that. Instead, shortly after beginning, I would run a drill bit into my hand. 

Needless to say, this would take me out of commission for the day. The pain alone was enough for me to try to sleep in order to avoid it. Then there was blood. Quite a bit of blood. I waited until Hoagie go home and then, on everyone else’s pushing, I had him take me to the ER. 

The injury is bad but could have been much worse. Only time will tell how fully I will recover from it. But, life was still going on as it always seems to do. I awoke Tuesday to a very bloody wrap. The blood had dried and stuck the gauze to the wound. So, when I removed the gauze, I reopened the wound. I tended to it the best I could and the blood stopped. 

I had no time to rest this day. There were things to tend to. I had a prescription to pick up. I also had to pick up the money to pay for that prescription, which was being gifted to me. The prescription wasn’t terribly expensive so what I was gifted covered that...And Then Some. 

But, that wasn’t all that was to my Tuesday. I had received a message from a friend stating that he and his roommate had some cans for me. As long as I was out and about and in that area, it made perfect sense to swing by and get them then. There was mail waiting for me at The Putter’s, so again, it just made sense to go that way and pick it up. I had to swing in that direction to do laundry anyway. And, finally, I had decided earlier that if I could swing the gas money, I was going to go to Sunshine’s school to see her band Christmas concert. [I had missed the choral one the week before and it had me very upset.]

As full as this day may sound, it was not yet complete. As long as I was going to be all over the place, I might as well take a look. So, I did. I picked up two gigs before I left. One was on my way to my first stop. The other was just slightly askew from my second. So, before I had even ordered my prescription I made $13 and I don’t think I spent 30 minutes between the two of them. Add in the extra that I had from my prescription [which helped with the gas to go to the concert] and the day seemed pretty well set. But, I still wasn’t finished. 

I left that second job and headed off to take care of the prescription. I placed the order and then got a coffee. I had to break a bill so that I had $5 with which to do my laundry. I was going to break it when I paid for the prescription but I couldn’t do that until it was done and I wanted to get it started while I was waiting. So, off to the laundromat. I got the wash started and headed back for my prescription. Once in hand, I returned to the laundromat. While I waited for everything to dry I poked around my apps some more. I figured I would have time between The Putter’s and the concert so why not look for more work?

And, I found some. It would take me a little bit out of the way, but keep me on track all at the same time. I finished up and headed to The Putter’s. By now, I had discovered my hand bleeding out once more. At The Putter’s I would clean it up and replace the bandages. I got mail and chatted for a bit, then off I went. 

On that drive I made 4 audio clips. My hope was to use them on WTML somehow. I just haven’t figured out how to get them where they are going yet. [Any tech savvy folks out there?] I definitely want to share them. There is important stuff in there somewhere. I don't know what all I talked about. I only know that my mind was reeling. There was also a moment...a happening...an experience that I don’t want to say too much on because I wouldn’t want to damage the impact of it. 

Nonetheless, I made my way to the job. I signed in and went about my business. This job took me longer than the two previous ones. Twice as long actually. I spent an hour in that store and was going to miss just the beginning of the concert. But, I also made $27.50 on that stop. [And, for an added bonus, I got quite the workout. My legs are still sore three days later.] 

I rushed to the concert and stood in the back. I was in Just Enough time to see Just Enough of my Sunshine in performance. Afterwards, I waited in the hallway to see her. 

Now, this was slightly uncomfortable and slightly amusing all at the same time. Why is that, you might ask. Well, Craze & Co. were there, of course. We all stood in close proximity of each other, but never engaged. So, it was uncomfortable. Here I am. There’s my family. And, no one’s talking. But, I also found it amusing because I pondered what they must be saying amongst themselves. As far as they knew, I was supposed to be at The Distributor. [Not that that would have mattered with a hole in my hand.] There was only one brief moment when Craze and I would make eye contact. That was it. Just a glance. Here, I must comment that it makes me sad to see him. He is not well. The man can barely walk. He is all hunched over. It breaks my heart. 

When Sunshine came out, she spotted me and gasped. She ran over and hugged me so tight. I can’t tell you how much I needed that moment. I’ve been struggling so much lately. It seems/feels sometimes as though my daughters don’t miss me that much. Their lives move on and they do what they do. They are active and full lives and I am merely on the sideline. There have been moments when I have looked back at last December 9, the day of The Occurance, and have thought about how that day I felt as though maybe my daughters’ lives would be so much better off without me. After all, I had been such a failure to that point, basically destroying anything I touched. Those two girls deserve so much better than that. That’s how I felt that day and, recently, I’ve been wondering if it wasn’t accurate. 

But, she hugged me. And, she was so very happy to see me. And...I so very much needed that. 

Now, let’s step back a moment. On Monday night, I would receive a”tomorrow” as well. In fact, I also received a “two days.” So, what happened, “Tomorrow”? Oh so many things. I worked and made money. I took care of business. I surprised my daughter. Plus, there were other things along the way- documented, but not yet shared. For instance, The Owl - forever an omen.

I can’t tell you what Wednesday brought. In fact, at this moment, I can’t tell you anything about Wednesday. It is a blur. It is like The Day That Never Happened. I can’t tell you what I did, nor how I spent my time. I can’t tell you what happened. There is absolutely no recollection, no record, of Wednesday’s existence. I only know that it was because it is now Friday. I think I find this of particular interest because the “Tomorrows” that came on Tuesday night were overly emphatic. 

The only thing I know of Wednesday, now that I have rattled my brain a bit, is that more work came my way. A friend had reached out to me about helping with some deliveries. Again, I was excited for this. It was extra money at a good time and I could get it relatively quick, one way or another. 

So let’s move on to yesterday - Thursday. [Yes. It’s Friday now.]

I awoke and got myself all set and ready to go. In fact, I awoke early. I was certain to set my alarm because not only did I want to be up and ready for the opportunity that was in front of me, but I also don’t like how late I have been sleeping in - if you can call 0700 late. 

Nonetheless, I awoke and set about my tasks. I packed lunch and prepped coffee. I showered and shaved. I made certain I was prepared for the whole day. I messaged with my friend and called the woman who I would be assisting. I told her I was coming. 

I was looking forward to this. Not only was it something for now but it offered future potential. The time would come to leave and I went out to start and warm-up The MattMobile. 

It is now Friday morning and it still has not started. [Though I haven’t tried it yet this morning.] Nonetheless, it wouldn’t start. This meant no work. This meant no money. Did it also mean I was, like with The Parent Company, ruining my future potential? And, what’s more, without the car that means no work o. Saturday. Without work on Saturday, I can’t pay my car insurance on Saturday night and I will lose it.

I made the calls I needed to make and life moved on. The general consensus is that it is the battery. Not that this would surprise me after the wear it has taken this year. Trust me when I tell you - the starter will be next. The problem, for me, in determining if it is actually the battery is that The MattMobile doesn’t like to start so as it is. This is a side effect of whatever is going on with the gas tank leak. That is the wear the battery has taken. Sometimes the car starts right up. Sometimes it sputters and chokes and fights. Some of those times it will then start.. Others it will shut off and I will begin again. And, still, there are times when I have spent 10-15 minutes trying to get the car to do anything. At first I figured that’s what this was - just one of those times. 

Someone did offer to come and take the battery to be checked, replace it if needed. He wasn’t sure if he could come last night, and he didn’t. So as of Right This Moment, I am unsure of the status of things. 

I tried to figure out how to fill my time. Mostly, the day seemed unproductive. I just kept needing to lay down. It was starting to frustrate me a great deal. But, before the night was over, it would all make a little more sense. 

Jim would show up at the door. He was once again in need of a friend. It wasn’t bad, necessarily, he just needed someone to spend time with. You might wonder how that has anything to do with an unproductive day of rest. Well, I am an empath and a healer and a spiritualist. People come to me and they will immediately begin to siphon energy from me, especially if they are in need. I could feel this happening instantly with Jim and it continued through his visit. It was so intense that I eventually reached a point when I was just done and needed to lie down. [lye? Lay? I hate grammar lol.] 

It was all good. I could never regret last night, and, therefore, I could never regret yesterday. There was magick in the air. And why shouldn’t there be? We are so close to Yule. 

In fact, today [Friday] is The Day Before. “Tomorrow” Yuletide begins and I will be swept away into a delusional delight until the second day of next year. No holds barred during Yule. All bets are off. I never know how the magick will manifest or to where it will lead me. But, each and every year, I am hardly dissatisfied in the experience.

So, where does that leave us? Let’s take stock - point by point. 

As I said, Yule is upon us. And, just as every previous Yule, I find myself sitting here trying to figure out how to complete The Old Man’s list - properly and on time. That list, in and of itself, is both challenging and magickal. It works the same every year, no matter what I do. 

I won’t have any clue about anything until about mid-November. Then just about Thanksgiving, the list starts to come in. It is slow at first. Perhaps just a notion or two. 

As we leave November behind and delve into December, I find that the notions turn to visions and the list grows just a bit. And, just when I think I have it all figured out and under control, time jumps and I find myself at the cusp of the holi-days and the list has grown and there is work to be done and things have changed. 

This year was no different. It started with a gift for Jim - a little something extra-special. Over the course of things, Jim would donate some wood to our cause here in the workshop. It wasn’t used at the time but I looked at it and thought about how I had Just Enough to make a box of some sort. We had learned of Jim’s sweet tooth one night and I now have a Theme for the box. [Of course, at this moment, it is far from being complete.] 

I had received a gift for Hoagie. A little inspiration and something different using something I already had working. It also is not near finished yet, but it’s not far off. There was not one, but two, visions for Spike. One is a gift assembled. One inspired.

I was going to make ornaments for the Princesses once again this year. It’s been a tradition and they have a collection. Of course, up until two years ago, Santa was bringing those ornaments. (He still is. *wink*) The ornaments are not started and may still happen. But there was other inspiration. One of the projects I was crafting to sell was an angel figure. It is too late to sell anything for Christmas. So, many of those projects fitted themselves onto The List. [Fascinating how that happens, isn’t it?]

So, ornaments or not, I am making each of the girls their own personalized angel. Even Spike’s inspiration utilizes a craft unable to be sold. In that mix of stuff to be made and never sold are two experimental projects. I wanted to make some coat/hat racks. It was actually my first time trying to do something with my router. 

The boards are cut and routered and sanded. They are ready to be painted. They, too, have shifted to The List. One is for Craze and the other [I believe] is for Boom-Dee-Aye. 

What’s that you ask? Am I really making them Christmas presents? The List is The List. I make it as I receive it. No questions asked. That is The Deal. 

There is even a project in the works for Big ‘D’. Also an experiment. Also, not really started. I’m not so concerned about these gifts. Most of them aren’t needed until the closer to the end of Yule. So, I must only make time to get at them - amidst the hustle and bustle of living and being. But, then, what else do I have to do Right This Moment? 

Write. 

I must write. I must write this blog and the book and journals and a host of other things. I MUST write. This has been made abundantly clear. 

I must continue with this project, though I have no real idea of what that means. 

I have some things to attend to today, such as the car and how I get where I need to be to make money I so desperately need tomorrow. But, for the most part this day will be as a Day Before always is. It will be what it will be. 

This leaves me with two “concerns.” [I use quotes, because I am not certain if they are real concerns, nor to whom they actually belong.)

The first is work. I don’t want to say “a job” because I have come to the realization that that is all trickier than it seems. After I had started [and ended, but I digress] at The Distributor, someone asked me, “How does it feel to be a working man?” 

I took great offense to this for several reasons. First, that was the very same day I had been on the road for 11 hours and driven 100 miles to stop at 11 stores and do 15 assignments. I was getting paid for that and that money would be claimed on my taxes as income. There were expenses involved that will be deducted, as well as mileage. 

How is that not work?

I realize that it is not steady and does not provide a sufficient income on its own. But, that is not what is being questioned. The question is how is it not work. What defines “work” or “a job”? By what gauge do we measure and determine?

What was I doing all that time at The Theatre? I worked hard. I worked very hard. 

What was it I was doing when I was at The Coffee Place, or flying all over the country testing fiber optic connections? What was it I was doing when I helped my cousin with his seal coating business? Or, when I cleaned out that apartment? Or, took care of those yards - mowing and raking and such? Or, when I replaced the garage roof, including new plywood in places?

What was I doing at the beginning of this year with The Middle School and a Production? I went like a mad man at the start of this year...and for months. Wisconsin can verify and she only came in at the end of The Middle School. I barely slept and I did not stop moving when I was awake so that I could get the job(s) done. 

What is it going to be when I help my friend move tomorrow?

What about scrapping? I have to get the metal and haul it. I claim the income. I pay taxes and make deductions. One day, my best day, I loaded, hauled, and unloaded a half ton of steel, plus some other metals. I made myself a little over a hundred dollars in about three hours time. I’m pretty sure I worked for that. And, to top it off, I went and did my job at The Theatre that night. Both jobs at The Theatre. 

What about my Tarot and Reiki and other spiritual things? I have to work at that. I need to be in the right head space and in tune with things. I have to disconnect from all things in my personal life. It takes time, both before and after, to build up and then recover. It takes continuous study and effort. 

What was I doing when I went around videoing shows and interviewing people? When I was editing footage and designing graphics? When I was going to parks and setting up tables and displays and selling items? 

Even The Re-discovery tour was a job to me. I did various things along the way to earn money and I had a purpose, and a directive, to be doing it. 

All of these things required time and effort and knowledge. Every single one of them gave me money. All of that income was reported - taxes were paid and deductions were made?

How is that not work? How dare anyone suggest that I don’t or haven’t worked. I am poor. That does not make me lazy. The income itself is a whole other issue and one with which I am trying to deal. 

I agree that I need a steady and sustainable income. I am not opposed to a ‘regular FT job’ to accomplish such. I am totally okay with it. But, all of that other stuff listed above - the spiritual stuff in particular - that doesn’t ever go away. It will always be part of who I am and what I do. So, whatever that job is, it needs to be conducive to that life. It needs to not only foster my soul and my energy so that I can do those things, but it needs to allow me the flexibility that is also sometimes required to be at the right place at the right time to do the right thing - even when I don’t know it’s happening. 

Metaphysically speaking, income is directly related to Self-Worth and this is most definitely an issue for me. I don’t think much of myself. [Though some would have it said that I amaze myself.] I don’t really think there is anything special about me. I am that I am and I do what I do. Mostly, I am a guy just dopin’ along. 

They tell me I am good on stage, but there are better. I have good moments and bad. My clients have been happy with their readings and sessions...but there are better. I have my good moments and my bad. 

It’s not that I think I am not good at any of these things. I am as good as I am. I just don’t know what that means. But, I am learning that I do tend to undervalue myself. This is apparent in my pricing. I can’t ever give someone a price when they want me to do something for them. I’m always like, “just give me what you’re comfortable with.”

I even do that with Tarot and Reiki, giving discounts just to get the work. 

It’s hard to value yourself when everyone around you has no respect, nor understanding, for what you do. I always thought it was Big ‘D’ and Craze that just didn’t get it. But, apparently, based on such a question as, “How does it feel to be a working man,” no one has really had any appreciation for my path. 

I’ve always struggled with income and money, even when I had ‘regular FT jobs.’ Some of that has been just a lesson in management. Some, has been due to a fear of lack, I suppose, and so naturally excess will set in. But, in my poverty, I have come to appreciate, greater, the value of a dollar and what one can do with it. Or, more importantly, what can be done without it.

I’ve made it this long - 10 months. For 10 months I have been a man without a home or a direction. I have faced some crazy obstacles and challenges along the way. Yet, somehow, I have come through them all and have made it to now. I certainly worked a lot of angles along the way. Still, there were several times when someone would gift me, or loan me, money. These were not my favorite moments. But, I have realized that I never asked for a single handout. I only ever asked for work, so I shouldn’t feel guilt over people’s inclinations towards kindness and generosity. 

Everything has happened so perfectly timed, even the bad things, that one cannot help but see the Divine Hand in it all. Believe me when I tell you, Fellow Travellers, that there are many parts of this story you do not yet know. [There are some on which I am unclear.]

For instance, when I was forced/tricked into going to church service. It’s true. It happened. Five weeks in a row I attended church service and not all were by choice. The first attendance most definitely was. It was time. I had been feeling it for a while and with this particular church. Things just hadn’t worked out until that one fateful morning. 

I attended the second service and sat in the ‘Traditional Room.’ I must say I was kind of disappointed. The only thing ‘Traditional’ about this service was that there was an actual choir and hymnals during worship. But, the sermon got televised in from the ‘Contemporary Room’ down the hall. [Several weeks later I would attend a church service that was at another church that was very traditional and I appreciated that.]

Nonetheless, the sermon was about G-d and money. It was part of a series. I think I may have missed the first one or two. I smirked and chuckled at the very appropriate timing. But, then, what else should I expect from G-d? 

I would return for the next four [or five] sermons, the remainder of the series. Twice, this was not by choice. The first time, I had awoken early and was killing time in the parking lot outside The Seasonal Store. I forget what time I started, but I know that there was enough time to make the early service if I so chose. I didn’t choose. 

I decided to stay in the parking lot and just chill out. I wasn’t really feeling the church thing. So, that’s what I did. Now, when I say I awoke early, I mean early, like at the crack of dawn or before. So, time marched on, and there was plenty of it. I became restless. I looked at the clock. It was 0800. Service started at 0830 and the church was right down the street. 

“No, thanks,” I thought and went back about my business playing games. Again, I became restless. I needed to move, do something. I looked at the clock. 

0815. 

So, having been down this particular road many times before, I sighed and huffed and puffed and set on my way, conceding to the Will of G-d. I pulled into the church parking lot to find it practically empty. I found this odd and waited in the car to watch. Time passed and no one came. That’s when it hit me. This was the morning that we set the clocks back an hour. It wasn’t 0845. It was 0745.

I sneered that sneer that goes along with realizing that you’ve been had. It was so important that I attend this service that G-d tricked me into arriving an hour early, knowing full well that once I was there I would just stay there. 

The second time was the last visit. Again, I was up early and was making my way to the parking lot at The Seasonal Store. As I drove, I had the actual debate with G-d about going to church. I really wasn’t in the mood and he was not going to convince me otherwise. Suddenly I realized that the whole time I was arguing with G-d I was also pulling up to the church parking lot. 

I chuckled to myself and accepted my fate. At least this was a lot subtler [and safer] than that time on The Re-discovery Tour when Spirit took hold of my hands and turned the steering wheel of The Magic Bus and forced me across four lanes of interstate traffic...because I had to go “that way.”

And, it’s true. In hindsight it is very clear that, for so many reasons, I definitely did have to go “that way.” Still not sure how comfortable I am with being hurled across interstate traffic. (But, then, who’s stubbornness caused that?)

There was even a test in those weeks. A little something to see if I had been paying attention. [I passed...I think.]

So you see, Fellow Traveler - Divine. Every moment, every step. Every disappointment and failure. Every change and shift. It has all been Divine and it has all led me to Right This Moment.

I did take a lot from those sermons and I have been thinking on things quite a bit. We hear it all the time. “You always have what you need.” I find this to be true. On every step of this journey I have somehow, always had what I needed, when I needed it. Sometimes it would come at the very last moment. Sometimes, I didn’t know I needed it when I received it. 

Even in these last two weeks, without being at The Distributor, I have had what I needed when I needed it. 

I have thought about The Divine Promise. It is really the only Promise made to us. Jesus states that “every day The Father feeds the birds and beasts of the wild. He clothes the flowers of the fields. What makes you think you are any less than these?”

G-d promises clothing. I have clothing. I could use some new clothing, but, Right This Moment, I have the clothing that I need. G-d also promises food. I always have food. I tell you again, if I could manifest money the way that I manifest food, I would be a very, very wealthy man. It is even an observation Hoagie made. He said up until I got here he was eating peanut butter from a jar on a regular basis and now there is actual food in The Dormitory. Some of it I bought. Some he did. Quite a bit has been gifted to us along the way. He now knows I wasn’t really joking all summer when I would tell him that I was the best fed homeless person I know. 

It’s The Promise. And, it has been kept. 

But what of everything else you might wonder. I don’t really know. 

For instance - what of a home? I don’t know. I no longer know what I should be working towards. Should I be looking for just any home in which I can settle? Should I be looking for an apartment? Or a house to rent that may have room for a workshop? Should I be looking closer to The Princesses or someplace so remote I haven’t given it a thought as of yet?

Or, maybe, I should do as The Looch suggested so many months ago and focus on replacing The MattMobile [which I need to do anyway] with something more travel and living appropriate and just ‘hit the road’ being ‘Freedom.’ [Just a guy doping along.] But, Right This Moment, I have no options. However…

Right This Moment, I have what I need. I have a place to be warm and to lay my head. I have a place to work and function and stay grounded. I have everything for which I was asking, seeking. (Ask & It Is Give, Seek & Ye Shall Find, Knock and the Door Shall be Opened.)

When I first accepted Hoagie’s offer, I told him we would agree to it through Christmas, at which time we would see where things are and re-evaluate. It is that time. The truth is, so much, for so many months, has pointed to this moment in time. That thing I have mentioned time and time again in several videos - that thing that I do not yet know - I think it’s coming. 

I can’t imagine what it might be. It could be anything. After all, anything is possible. 

For instance, maybe there will be further complications with my hand. If I’m being honest about it, it is definitely healing, but I am just not sure it is healing properly. I can’t exactly go back to the doctor. I can’t afford to pay for a visit at my family doctor, and, though everyone explains how easy it is, I’m not certain the ER can help get me coverage. 

The thing people are forgetting, I think, is that I don’t actually have a home. I don’t have an address that I can give. I’m at Hoagie’s, but I am staying here, not living here. None of my official documents, such as my driver's license, reflect that I am here. Nor will they. Instead, they all have the address for Old Geistopia, because that is where I receive mail. 

I tried to explain this to the assistance person as she filled out the required forms. “ I am staying at my friends here, but this is where I receive mail.” Somehow, that resulted in her taking inventory of who all lived in the house at Old Geistopia and me leaving with some form for Big ‘D’ to sign saying I lived there but I provided my own food. Only...I don’t live there. So, this would all need to be resolved before I could even think about having the ER take another look at me. 

Besides, I don’t have time for all of that. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe on Sunday? 

Maybe by then it will be too late. Maybe till it is all over I will lose some fingers, or a whole hand...or, perhaps, even my life. Perhaps I am only getting what I was seeking December 9, 2018. Perhaps I am only being given what I asked for more times than any of you would really want to count, Fellow Travelers.

Perhaps, I am only getting what I should have accepted 21 years ago. 

Perhaps this is just when, and how, our story comes to a close. 

It sounds drastic, but it’s possible. Anything is Possible. There is a definite sense of major change on the air. Death is just as feasible as any other possibility. So, we may as well look at it, accept it, and move on. It is the inevitable end to all of our stories after all. 

I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know how this all plays out. Maybe it will be death. Maybe there will be some drastic, or miraculous, change that will make things like taking that one last Quest, or opening The Rabbit Hole more possible. Maybe there will be some great shift and energies making the Hodge-Podge that is my life more sustainable. 

Maybe it will even be a ‘regular FT job.’ My only stipulations on this are that - one, it must be something I can stick with and make the most of until retirement. I’m tired of changing jobs so frequently. And, two - it cannot make me feel dead inside. If I lose my spirit I am no good to anyone, most especially G-d. 

I don’t have a clue, let alone a lead. I can see February beginning. I do not know what it is doing, but I can see it beginning. And, of course, that damned January is just a Void - a black hole in my vision. I have absolutely no idea what happens next, nor where we go from here, Fellow Travelers. 

Right This Moment, all I can do is buckle down and take these next two weeks day by day, step by step, moment by moment. I must make the most of it, I must do what needs to be done. And...I must finish The List. 

I do not know when I will return. I cannot tell you when, or if, you will hear from me, or see me, in the remainder of this year. 

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travellers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And freakishness baby.