Snake Bit...or Charmed?

Tuesday, February 11, 2020; 0508.

Today is rough...and it hasn’t even started yet.

Ok. So the first thing I notice is that today is an 11 Day [by day alone. It is an 8 Day by calculation.] So, now, that is the second thing to which I take notice.

[And, suddenly, life begins to make sense again.]

These are two very big numbers. We have talked about the Master Number 11. Today, one level is completed as another begins. We have also touched on 8. For me, I just consider 8 to be the G-d number. It is abundance and infinity and flow and fluidity. It is all things Divine.

8 is this strange number of all things. It includes a certain degree of completion itself, but at the same time, that completion seems to act as a bridge. For example, when we talk about scales in music, we refer to octaves. So, we are thinking in groups of 8, but there are only 7 notes in an Octave and one of those is merely the same note [set apart.]

(The First and The Last.)

The Angelic Star - which I understand to be representative of the 7 Archangels - is an 8-Pointed star. One for each angel and one for G-d. In this sense. It is no different than the 5-Pointed star, or Pentagram. It is one point for each Quarter/Element/Angel and one left for Spirit.

I’m not very smart, but I feel like there is such a thing as White Light. [Light bright enough to be touched, but just off the spectrum and too bright to be known.] I could be very wrong about this. But, it’s in my head. *shrugs.*

Anyway, these are two powerful numbers on their own. Bringing them together not only joins them but magnifies them. Seeing them come together today makes today make sense.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was sore and I was worn out. My back was just terribly sore. And my whole being was drained. This has been my problem with a ‘job.’ It’s just too much. It’s too much energy at once and for too long. And, it hurts. I don’t know how to describe it better than that. Unless you have experienced it for yourself, I imagine, it is hard to wrap your mind around.

I take on people’s energies. It’s what I do. I have spent a lifetime trying to understand, and deal with, that. It’s what makes me a good reader and a decent healer. It is not something I can turn on and off. It is just who I am and how I function. I have tried shielding and all of that, it I have found that I then don’t function at full capacity. It’s just as damaging to build the wall. I’ve, for a long time, said that the problem with walls/doors/shields is that while you are keeping out all the things you don’t want, you also keep out the things you do. [You’re protected from the bad, but you are blocking the good as well.] Nonetheless, it takes its toll. It wears me down. It is why I tend to spend a lot of my time alone. It’s the only way I can recharge and recupe.

I became very aware of all of this over the past week. In my first week at The Job I just took all of my discomfort as being completely physical. 4 10 hour days on my feet in bad shoes. You know, what I’m saying. That hurts. I didn’t even really give the recuperation factor a thought last week because it happened so naturally. I had no money and very little gas. I wasn’t going anywhere or doing anything. I accepted it as a Gift of Rest, but never really thought about it beyond that.

Then I returned to work for this past week. I wasn’t hurting physically. I felt good. I didn’t start my first week of work in that same condition. I had done jobs in the two days prior to starting The Job and they had twisted me up pretty good. But, I was free and clear this time around. Still, ,I was finding that it took a long time to feel like myself again after a shift. I’m talking, like, into the next morning kind of long. I would come home from work and just need to lay down and rest. I needed time to take a breath. By the time I had caught my breath, and therefore my spirit, once more, it was time for bed.

I would wake up in the morning and still feel not quite right. I would have to drift slowly through my morning, doing my Devotions and Rituals , and slowly build back up to myself. I would have enough time for this the first three days. In fact, it worked out perfectly each and every time. I would get myself through my morning, do my practices, grab a shower and head to work. Not only was I feeling like myself agai, but each time I was feeling super-charged. Almost overcharged. [Which is actually kind of funny, or ironic, or both.]

But, I would work my shift and come home to the same thing all over again. Part of this struggle is the fact that when I am home I do not have alone time at night. Hoagie is here and it is close quarters. I am extra sensitive to his energies lately. He’s going through whatever he is going through and his energy has just been wild recently. So the only alone time I have is in the mornings before work.

It hurts. It wears and weighs me down. I keep looking at it as temporary. I figure sooner or later I will get adjusted and acclimated to it all. There is always a Period or Transition in any effort. Even healing hurts at first. But, in the meantime, it really hurts.

Factor in the physical wear of being on my feet for long hours and it just gets really hard. Some of this will be alleviated when I do have the proper shoes. They will have some support and cushioning. But, at home, there is nothing padded for me to sit or lay on. There is no couch. The only chair is a small wooden one a the table. Unless, of course, I want to unfold one of the outdoor chairs. But, those are usually reserved for times when I do not plan on moving often. Like when ‘Jim’ comes to visit. They are big chairs and they are comfortable enough to bring me some relief but they are not easy to get in and out of. As for my bed, well that’s is merely a cot. So, again it brings some relief in as much as I can let my body rest. The actual comfort level is just really low.

The weekend was the most intense. Now, again, it did not start on the right foot because ‘Jim’ was here and ready to party. So, I didn’t really get much rest on any level. “Jim’ works the empath in me pretty good as well. Then Saturday was a 10 hour shift and Sunday I was up and at work very early so there was no time to do my morning recovery.

The other factor from my weekend was the phone bill. I had stressed all last week to get things set-up and settled so that bill could be paid on time. I got it done, at just the last minute, and was relieved when I didn’t lose service on Thursday or Friday. However, I woke up Saturday to no service. I finally got somewhere with Wifif and paid the bill. I got home and still had no service. Now I had to call the ‘special’ line which is fully automated and didn’t actually offer a chance to speak to a real person. In the end, I paid the bill twice. The second time was even at a higher rate than the actual bill. [Kind of.] So, I was what? Overcharged. [I told you it was funny.] It was a bit stressful but I figured I could get myself through the weekend and start my two days off with no problem. Then I would just address the issue and try to get the money back on my days off.

This is what brought me into yesterday. I had two full days of work with no recovery time in between. I could feel it yesterday morning. I just couldn’t get myself moving right. I mean, I got things done, but it was a struggle. I found that I was needing to lay down quite a lot. It was all very meditation and/or Reiki oriented. The first time I didn’t think much of it. It happens. But then it continued. At this point I figured the Moon had something to do with it all. Yesterday was still under the energies of the Full Snow Moon on Sunday.

But it was more than that and I don’t really know what I was feeling. It was deep and it was kind of heavy. Eventually, I became a little concerned by it. And, inevitably, I would resolve to just accept it and let it be what it would be. This is precisely what I did.

Now, I had plans for yesterday. There was a list of things I wanted to get done, errands to run. This included a stop at The Putter’s for my mail, which then generally leads to a Safety Meeting - you stay and hang out for an hour. I wanted to do some, or most, of my errands prior to that. I set a time in my head to leave for the day’s doings. I went about my morning, trying to get done what I could as I could. I did my practices, and soaked in a tub. I did what I needed to do for me and for my life.

I was beginning to think that I wasn’t going to be going anywhere yesterday. I just couldn’t pick myself up enough to get moving. I had contemplated texting The Putter to see if he would be around today instead. I had one more call to lay down and Zen out. I figured I would text him after that.

When I came to from that session I had a bit more energy and I realized that I had Just Enough time to do the dishes and get out the door. I would be behind schedule, but I could move everything around as well. As I was just finishing up the dishes I got a text from FaeriePrincess. She was at The Putter’s. Talk about confirmation and validation. I chuckled to myself and said I’d be there in a half an hour.

I still wasn’t feeling like myself. There was something in the air and I couldn’t quite place it. I could feel it and The Putter even commented on it, “You look like you’re about to pass out.” And, that was before the safety meeting. He was right. That is exactly how I felt. It was to the point that I wasn’t sure I was going to do anything else yesterday. Still, this was lining up Precise & Perfectly Placed.

More than I had even realized as I made my way to the other side of The Valley.

As I made the last few turns to get to The Putters, I realized that I was inadvertently following this white work van in front of me. I looked at the time. It was just about 1400. I smirked, because I figured I knew who it was...and I was right.

I pulled into The Putter’s driveway, directly behind Sparky. It’s been a few weeks since I have seen him and I wanted to touch base for some time. He has copper wire for me to take to salvage. With Sparky there it would now be an official Safety Meeting. I then remembered the Dreamtime that had Sparky’s truck that wasn’t his truck.

I ended up sitting on the floor because it is what brought me the most relief at the time. After I settled in, The Putter asked if I got The Warden’s text about Craze being taken to the hospital. I hadn’t, but I did then. It seems Craze has been having dizzy spells and even more trouble moving about. He went to the doctor yesterday morning and the doctor sent him immediately over to the hospital for testing.

The heaviness about me lifted. I felt different. This is what had been weighing on me all morning. The thought was confirmed as I suddenly flashed back to waking from my last session at The Dormitory. When I got up, my first thought was my father. But, I didn’t really give it a second thought because I couldn’t actually remember anything from the Dreamtime. The best I can discern is that all of my sessions in the morning were geared towards him.

Perhaps this is what I felt last week when I couldn’t explain the feelings.

However, it also “reopens the wounds,” as it were, with Big ‘D’. She didn’t contact me to let me know. Not even an email. Not even after he was settled at the hospital. Boom-Dee-Aye told The Warden. Someone contacted Mama Rabbit. No one contracted me. They still haven’t. The most recent update I have received was just a few moment ago from The Warden. He has a room and will be going for an MRI sometime today.

This hurts.

It seems every time I get myself to a point where I don’t feel the hurt, or animosity, as much, something like this happens. I’ve been looking recently at just how much she shuts me out. I don’t even pick up my mail at the house. I’ve been there to visit dad. I go from time to time to get things from The Cave. But, instead of making arrangements such as these for me to get the mail at Old Geistopia, it is given to the neighbor and I pick it up there.

It hurts and it angers me. Maybe not angers, but certainly frustrates. I mean, I’m not happy with her either but I do always try to move beyond it, forgive, strive for better. Still incidents happen and this is how it goes from there. She holds on and shuts out. It’s like she can’t make direct contact. Even in December, concerned or not, she didn’t reach out to me. She went the back way and called the crisis center.

It makes me wonder just what I have done that is so terribly awful. I mean, this woman has gotten down right vicious with me, and granted I have been with her at times, but I always manage to forgive, even without an apology. I move beyond it. I can’t help but take into consideration the struggles I know she has had in life and where I see her spirit to be and I try to move on. In the past I tried to reach out but it has never been received well. So, I stopped trying. Now I just forgive and move on. Even after telling her to stay out of my life, I am forgiving. December was rough and it was a bad time for someone who declared she didn’t want to know anything about my life to be point around and causing problems in my life. But I am still forgiving. I am still seeking healing and closure.

So, what have I done that is so unforgivable?

Anyway, the Safety Meeting came and went. I learned some new things. It’s why I track Safety Meetings no different than my ministry or crafting or anything else. It counts as productive time because things always happen at a Safety Meeting. They are an interval part of my survival and existence.

I left there and headed out to do laundry. This was imperative. I wasn’t able to do laundry last week because I had no funds for it. [And, I am looking at the same for next week at this point.] I had to get a $10 out for cash back, but I generally only need about $5. I cashed in the $0 and after sorting out the laundry money determined that I had enough of it left over to get a little dinner. So, I did. Turns out I had Just Enough. It was exact change. I finished the laundry and set out to my other tasks.

First stop was the store for some groceries - Just Enough to carry me through. My finances are very limited until I can straighten out the phone bill thing. That was going to be my next stop. It was early enough in the day yet that it was all feasible. Turns out there is a new phone store right next to the other store. So, I went in and took care of that first. The prognosis wasn’t good.

Ultimately, I have to call another ‘special’ number; However, the associate was fairly certain they won’t refund the money but just credit it to the account for next month. This does not leave me in good space at all. Just before I had gotten out of The MattMobile I had checked my account balance. It was just slightly lower than I had expected. There was a $5 charge from my App Store. I figured it was one of my two newer subscriptions - one a call recorder for my readings and the other an office platform for other work. They are new within the last few months and I’m not really sure when the dates are yet. So, I wrote it off to this.

I had very limited funds to go into the store with. I was shooting for $20-$25. I spent $27 and that is only because I bought another damn pack of cigarettes. [Every day I quite. So, far, every day I’ve failed.] Still, this left me with $20 and that would be enough to cover my streaming subscription when it comes due in four days.

I returned to The Dormitory, got the groceries put away and everything Ihad taken to the Safety Meeting settled back into place. I settled off to sleep with my day for today planned. I wanted to clean the apartment, make some calls and then visit with The Professor, either her at The Dormitory or by going to The Putter’s while he is there.

I woke this morning still feeling a little rough around the edges. It bothers me that I spent a whole day trying to recover and recupe and only got to about 90%. I looked at my account balance one more time just to be fully aware of where things stand. I found another $5 charge from the App Store. I checked my subscriptions. One of them isn’t due until the end of the month and the other comes out in two days. So, not only do I not know what these charges are but I may have been double charged for something. Or...overcharged, as it were. [See, funny...or ironic...or something, anyway.]

So, now I not only don’t have money for gas or food Stone this week, with no more coming in until the end of next week, but I don’t have the money for the streaming subscription. Right off the bat I am short about $3. But now this other subscription is going to come out and take up half of what I do have left. I need another $10 or $11 just to pay the subscription. Next week I am supposed to have a support meeting. He wanted me to come in with $60. I don’t have that and I wasn’t so worried about it because it is just a matter of timing. It is just before my next pay, when I would have the money. However, now I don’t even have the $1 or @ to pay for parking when I go. Let alone, I may not have gas to get there. In fact, it is one of the calls I wanted to make. I was hoping to maybe push it off for a week, so I would have some money to take in with me.

So, I looked for work for today. There is some available. I won’t make much and I’m not sure that the worth really balances out but it is better than nothing. The problem is I only have today to do them and they are all going to work my body a little harder. I’m still ot recovered from my work week and now I have to hurt myself all over just to get by and then start the exact same painful work week tomorrow.

That’s bad enough but now that also limits the other things I can get done today. I won’t get the cleaning done which means it needs to be done tomorrow because it has been about two weeks and it needs to be done. I will have to try to sneak in my phone calls and prioritize them accordingly. Just make the most of what I can. I still would like to visit with The Professor and now I would like to try to stop at the hospital to see dad.

This is what frustrates me. How can anyone expect me to not feel frustrated to the point of wanting to give up. Go back and review the last month of writings. I wil be the first one to say that I feel blessed. Life is not easy but it is beautiful. Look at yesterday. No matter how much things didn’t go the way I wanted or planned everything went as it needed to and that is a blessing. The things that needed to line up did so.

But there are these constant bumps and obstacles. No matter how I push or what I plan, the unplannable happens. It always feels like one step forward and two steps back. It hasn’t just been a few months of this or a year. This is how the last 20+ years have gone for me. No matter how much I may get it together it falls apart again.

*sigh.*

All I can do is practice the Principles.

Everything Happens for a Reason; Precise & Perfectly Placed; We Always Have What We need; Ask & It Is Given...and so on and so on and so forth.

Also, I can keep time frames in mind.

I was talking with Hoagie the other night about how I don’t see the end to The Job. Like, I’m not feeling any imminent disruptions. That led to a whole other discussion that is a bit frustrating for me but that is not for now. Anyway, I’m not sensing any problems. This is a good thing. Despite the hardships and challenges and stresses that are coming along with The Job, I’m not feeling a problem. Every ‘Job’ that has failed, i have felt the problem in advance. The first time around at the Coffee Place I could feel it almost from the beginning. I didn’t live in it. I did my thing and my job to the best of my ability. The one day the problem found me, the job was over, and I was not surprised one bit.

I felt the problem with The Distributor before I even started. Even as I struggled to make the most of everything and find the upside to it all, the problem lingered and loomed. We all know how that ended.

I knew for my months that things were over at The Theatre before I finally left. And, I waited way too long.

But, I am not feeling a problem anywhere. I can’t ‘see’ one. This is good. That means, for now at least, there is sustainability. I don’t know what that means, nor for how long though.

So far, the time frames I have Ben given are as follows.

First, it was three weeks. I was to get through the first three weeks and see where things were at that point. Tomorrow begins the third week. Once I adjusted to that, I was handed 3 months. This takes us up to Beltane and so that timing aligns perfectly. Sassy to accept. Still don’t know what it means though. Finally, I could see potential for up to a year. [I rarely can see beyond a year.]

So, here we are going into the third week and there are so many factors and energies at play. I’m financially struggling to the point that i don’t know if I will make it to work next week. No gas and no money for the bus. I have contemplated the possibility of making the hour walk to work but I don’t know that i can commit myself to that.

Now there is the whole dad thing and I am pretty certain that until this is all said and done it will shifts things drastically. I do not know how or in what way. I just feel like things are going to shift. I fell like this is what I felt all last week.

I also don’t know that The Job and I are going to follow through on the original plan. I’m not said I want to at this point. A lot of it is that I just haven’t received any real training for it in the past two weeks. In part, though, I am looking at the demands it will bring and I am not sure they are worth the sacrifices to the other areas of my life that are just as important, if not more so, as The Job. Staying where I am at right now would leave me more flexible. No matter what I do I won’t be making enough to pay for rent anywhere so I have to keep in my plans the ability to make more money.

Speaking of which...it’s about time I get myself geared for my day and doing just that. Until tomorrow, Fellow Travelers, Peace and Blessings.