The Great Head[Space] Coaster

Friday, February 14, 2020; 0751

I am having a particularly hard time this morning. I write this through tear-drenched eyes as I sob away. I’m not even 100% certain what triggered it. I miss my daughters. There was a memory on social media this morning of something I did for them on Valentine’s Day 8 years ago. [The Year of The Re-discovery Tour.] I have been sobbing ever since. I miss them terribly. I have lost an entire year of their lives. We seem so disconnected anymore and I don’t even have my weekends to at leas reconnect with them a little bit.

I miss my daughters.

But, I suppose, that is neither here nor there at this time. There is not much I can do about it but continue to see them when I can and try to reach out in between. The day is hard for other reasons as wel and I am not sure what they are. I really wish I understood the process I am going through lately.

Last night I came home from work and I was asleep within an hour and then I slept in this morning. This is the kind of thing I want to keep from happening. Yet, at the same time, I have to keep in mind that I am going through a process and I need to be patient with it and let it be what it will be.

This has always been one of my struggles with jobs. I can’t make an income that provides for a decent living. Even The Distributor would have left me trying to make certain ends meet. So, I am always trying to make more money. I have plenty of ways to do that. But, I find that it becomes a struggle to get to them.

At Old Geistopia, this was, in part, due to the fact that I had so much going on that I found myself overwhelmed more often than not. Life had progressed and the manifestations had been abundant and I just couldn’t keep up with it all and at the same time do more to make money.

With The Job, I am finding that I am just very wiped at the end of the days. It’s hard to do other things. I realize part of this is just adjustment. And part of this is due to the wrong type of shoe. But, still, it frustrates me. [I think I realize now that is frustrating me because all I want is to get back to my daughters and I am just so far away from that. I don’t want to lose another year.]

I know some of this will balance out and adjust itself as time marches on. For instance, by the start of my work week next week, I should have the proper shoes. That will make a very big difference, once they are broken in. Perhaps this is what was meant by 3 weeks. Maybe I just needed to survive 3 weeks of brutal torture first. Lol.

Or, maybe it was a message about the conversation that will be had today. They want to move forward with the management thing. So, we are to talk about that today. My problem is I no longer am certain I want to pursue it. I realize I will because it is why I went there and I know they need one more shift lead to be up to par. But, at the same time, I need to maintain some sort of routine for, at least, a little while longer. It’s never as easy as I think it’s going to be to work a job and do the other stuff on the side.

This has forever been the quandary. A job has never provided enough income. Either the pay was low or the hours were. So, I need other things. I have been given other things to do. Not only do I need those things to make enough income for a life but I need them for my soul. They lift me up - the ministry stuff especially. But, on their own, all of these other things have never provided much of an income either. So, I take a job. Then, I find I am not making progress in other areas and I start to get frustrated and anxious. All of that other stuff is my Calling. It is what I am here to do. If I can’t do it full time I need to be able to at least touch it from time to time. A little bit each week.

But each of these things takes time to maintain and practice and be able to do. [I think I’m just venting. I realize this is no different than anyone else’s struggles. I know that I must maintain the course that I am on. I know that I will achieve my goals, one way or another, sooner or later. ]

So, anyway...there will be that discussion had today and we will see how that all turns out. Of course, you won’t find out until Sunday, unless I write a post tonight. Which is highly unlikely.

I had some odd dreams last night. I don’t even want to get into them. I marked them in my Spirit Journal. They were just odd and all over the place with associations. I can actually remember pieces of them and those pieces are kind of stuck with me today.

I think I have written what must be written. It is later in the morning than I would like and i need to start gearing myself for The Job now.

Until Sunday, Fellow Travelers, Stay tuned-In..and Peace and Blessings.