A Change in Things

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

4:47 PM

I'm sitting at the girls' dance studio. I'm still getting used to the fact that I can pretty much do anything, anywhere at anytime.

I started a new "section" with this page. I'm not certain what the sections represent but I felt a shift in energies and felt maybe things are working under different influences suddenly.

I lost a bit more tooth today. I'm not surprised. It was inevitable, I suppose. It's just at a very uncomfortable place and it will take some time before I become accustomed to it.

Takes me back to some of what I was writing before. I am caught in this place "in between."

I have reached a point spiritually where I am recalling the feelings of the past. I am feeling more and more at peace and in my place.

For me, this is so reminiscent of the past. It is a state of being I could comprehend but never quite complete, then, I lost it altogether. I could remember it existed but try as I might I could not quite live it.

So it is nice to recall that. It is almost ecstatic to touch it once more. But I am left facing the realities that a lost life has left me. Such as the rotting teeth.

There are many more examples but I think that one is the one that is most relevant these days. It has an affect on so many areas of my life.

First and foremost, it is very uncomfortable - feeling the holes and gaps and chips. Some days it's like I can even feel it all rotting away. It is uncomfortable when I eat (not to mention often not as enjoyable either) and sometimes even drink.

That is to say nothing of the social, or even health, issues that arise. It is very embarrassing to talk to people. And, as long as my teeth are this way, I don't expect a romance could ever really be possible.

And, it can keep me from accepting certain types of work. It's super embarrassing when dealing with clients.

I know I am not the only person ever to have problems such as this and not really be able to tend to them. I personally have known people with no teeth whatsoever. So, I try not to feel sorry for myself. The problem could be worse and I guess it is my own doing (and that's looking at it several different ways.)

But I can't deny that I wish I could fix it. It would put so much to ease and I believe life would seem just a little different…a little easier.

The problem is funds.

In a good month, if I try really hard and make some sacrifices, I could put together enough to start things - initial exams and X-rays and such. But then what?

I would love to just do implants. I know this is an ego thing. It would be nice to be just that one step closer to 'normal' - to have my teeth attached to my gums and to not have plates blocking my mouth.

The cost for this is extraordinary though. Even if I accept and settle for the fact that if I can do anything it would have to be dentures, how would I ever afford them and the work to get them.

After the tooth chopped off I started to not feel so good. I'm not sure if the tooth chipping actually had something to do with that or if the only association is that the tooth chipping reminded me of the hard reality of it.

I am not staying at class for the whole time. Mak's class is almost done. Then I am going to visit with her a bit and leave.

I'll go home and get the laundry put away and get freshened up and organized for tomorrow. Then I am going to just enjoy my night as it is.

It is my last night with treats for a while (as far as I know.) so I want to just enjoy it.

I'm thinking I am earning my day off in advance. The universe will do that from time to time. Things could potentially be pretty intense for the next 10 days. Certainly for the next 4-6. It will be weird to go through it without treats but as with everything - it is as it is.

Well, I'm off…

P.S. When I win the current Powerball lottery my memories will be titled The Life of a Poor Billionaire.