Day 5

Friday, December 25, 2015

4:29 PM

There is so much going on in my head that my eardrums literally hurt.

I am so very rooted in 'Now.'

'Now' is very real to me, more real than things have been for a very long time. I am so very much aware of 'Now.'

'Now' is the 'When' I dreamed of then.

It has been a very intense few weeks, let alone the past several months. So much has happened, so much has shifted. As much as things have changed they have remained the same…but even that which remains seems changed a bit. I am conflicted at the moment. So much of me is very grateful for 'Now.' How could I not be? I have two wonderful and beautiful daughters who have so much love to give it is sometimes overwhelming. I have my health…or at least that is what my ignorance tells me. I have a job that, so far, seems to be making a big difference in the whole of my life. (It will be easier to gauge this once all of the extras and whatnots of the Holi-days settles down.

I have my family. We have our issues and it is definitely difficult being the odd man out, or black sheep, in this house. They are good people, they are just very different than what I have come to know in my life. Our troubles have been great in the past - horrific even - but things seem to be calming and settling and becoming more conducive to life.

My life seems productive at the moment. Things are in disarray after the Holi-days, but if this time has been any indication then there should be great potential across the board in the new year.

As much as I have all of this I am feeling very empty and alone this Season. I seem to be just as grounded in the past as I am rooted in the present. I have been doing a lot of life review lately - A LOT. And, it has been across the board spanning any combination of time frames, events, people, places, moments, experiences, feelings, hopes - some of them very good…some of them very bad. I am mourning the life that has been lost. I have spent so many years trying to recover and recoup from those moments - to just bounce back the way that I always do - that I don't think I was really living. It's almost as if, in many ways, I was over-compensating for the loss, For the pain.

Over-compensation never leads to good things so enough is said on that.

As all of this is happening, I have been re-envisioning the life I once knew. I suppose that may be why I have been waxing sentimental lately. I see how far off the beaten path I have been. I am aware of how often I have not been living true to what/who I know I am.

Sometimes, as I look back further, I wonder if I ever could have been that person.

But, here I am, so many years after it all begins.

I feel like this may be a close to a chapter. Perhaps a new frontier is on the horizon.

I only want to do good moving forward. Do good, say, good, be good, feel good.

I want to once again be that guy who always smiles.

I want to inspire and uplift and support.

Right thought

Right word

Right action

Today was the first family Christmas dinner I have attended in like 7 years. It is also the first one I have been invited to in just as long. It was nice to go, to have that moment. I am sure it worked greater magic than I can comprehend or even imagine at the moment.

This year, the girls come back to me tonight. It is not often that I actually get them back on Christmas. Sometimes the day after, but rarely the same day. With the rest of the family out doing Christmas-y things I thought I would let the girls sleep downstairs with me tonight. We can watch their new movies and hang out.

Then tomorrow we are going to start living towards our new life, and at the same time start cleaning up and maintaining the old one. We are going to do some games tomorrow and some movies and some organizing/cleaning up. We will continue our Yule tomorrow. More gifts to be had. More traditions to set in motion.

Well, It is very hard for me to sit still for too long these days - between feeling the need to everything at all once and my ADD it's surprising I can sit still at all.

I hope to continue journaling some through the rest of this Yule. I really do feel like it is an instrumental time in life. Its like big things are about to happen…perhaps in subtle ways. I just don't know. I only hope I can live right moving forward.