Ep. 11 - The Disappearance (or, Is There Anybody In There?)

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

Welcome To My Life is a project, an experiment in Life and ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise is that life is experiential, and that you can, and do, experience the life you choose. It is based on The Wheel of Life and The ARTs for The New Millennium as life building tools.

Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and sometimes unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

Professor Siggy Chong

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

‘Blue 326’

The Original KLT

The Looch

The Baker

Bert-on

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

The Prodigy

The Wix-ians

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, May 20, 2018. Time...Elapsed.

Theme of the Week – Know Thyself

Lesson of the Week – Selflessness

Observation of the Week – The Best Laid Plans…Are Not Always.

Totems – Squirrel; Rabbit; Groundhog; Goldfinch; Frog

For almost two months I have been trying to write. I can’t even tell you just how many times I sat at this desk. One time, I actually got some words down on the ‘paper.’ But, only that once. And, at this point, most of that information is somewhat outdated. Everything has just been happening suddenly and all at once it seems. I’d say that I am getting hit on all levels of existence, but the truth is that it is all coming from the same place. It’s all happening for the same reason. Even if I said I know what the reason is, if I am being completely honest, I don’t understand it. It is all The Cycle at work – same questions; same answers…still don’t know what to do with them.

Or, maybe it’s, “how.”

I don’t know how to do it.

I’m not even sure that’s what it is. I don’t know what it is. That’s been part of my problem with writing and blogging lately. I just don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. Let’s see if, without looking, I can recall just about where we were when last we met.

I was working at The Big Box. I had been there about 6 weeks. (Interesting number, ena?) I know it was about 6 weeks, because I started at The Big Box just about the same time I started at the theatre. In fact, now that I calculate it out, it may only be 4 weeks. We’ll say 4-6 weeks. I do know that they started close to each other. My orientation for The Big Box was the same day as the preview for that particular show.

Nonetheless, I was working at The Big Box and the current show at the theatre was coming to a close. It’s right about now that things were getting rocky at The Big Box as well. ‘Incidents’ were beginning to occur. Frustration was building on both sides of the line and tensions were mounting.

As I said, the show at the Theatre had come to an end, but I managed to pick up a gig with them for the next show. It was nothing as ‘glamorous’ as stage crew, but it was a job.

I was overwhelmed. I was. I had these two new jobs, both of which were putting different demands on me. I was dealing with a back injury of sorts. I just over-used and strained it between the two jobs. I’ve said several times that it was like going from 0-60 in the blink of an eye. I had almost nothing on my plate and then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t catch a breath.

It wasn’t just the two jobs with which I was dealing. There were so many other things going on. For instance, there was the Middle School Show, which brought so many challenges and frustrations to me. It also consumed a great deal of my ‘free time.’

Along the way, I had picked up a new theatre project as well. Not to mention, I was accumulating a pile of crafting projects, as well as things that needed to be done around Geistopia. I was working at re-vamping or rebuilding my businesses. I had already put work into the REV. Matt Facebook page and now I was working at Perfectly Imperfect Gifts.

Of course, WTML was thrown on the table as well – not just in written form, but there has been some video work getting done as well. Nothing too extraordinary, just a little toying.

The Shaman and The Pillar were working their magicks a great deal during this time as well. I, honestly, am still kind of reeling from it all. I can’t, myself, fathom the number of journeys I have taken, the planes I have reached. I have seen and heard so much in just two months. It is as if it were a constant stream of information. So much information, in fact, that I am not sure when - if ever - I will be finished processing it. It reminds me of The Beginning, when the information would just flood in constantly.

But, then, why should this surprise me? There has been a lot of reference of late to The Beginning. One particular moment, actually. One particular, life-changing, soul-shaping moment. (It only took 20 years to figure that out.)

And, before I had disappeared from WTML, I fought at least one bout of depression.

Then, comes The Disappearance.

I don’t know what happened. I really don’t. If it had been like going from 0-60 in the blink of an eye, then, for me, The Disappearance was like hitting a patch of black ice. I never saw it coming, and I totally spun out of control.

Just before the last writing, the back injury had gotten worse. Here in The Valley, we fell victim to a pretty nasty snowfall. While blowing the driveway, I somehow managed to twist up my back. In fact, [and I’ve always found this point interesting,] the back injury came the day after the first big incident at The Big Box. It even caused me to be sent home the next morning. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t. It took me forever to get into the building. They didn’t even let my hunched over ass punch in. This would actually continue for many weeks. If I can get through this week without any problems, it will be the first week since the initial injury.

I say, “initial injury,” because just as I was almost healed I was involved in a car accident, which damaged my back further. I have been to the doctor three times. I am on 2 different prescriptions. And, I have gone for an x-ray, the results of which I am still waiting to hear. It has been hard. It has been very hard. Everything I do uses my lower back. I’m not just talking about work either. Every movement, every gesture, comes from my lower back. I use it to sit and to stand; to reach and to bend; to push and to pull. The simplest things could aggravate it. Yet, there was still work to be done.

I missed a lot of work at The Big Box over these past several weeks, and, eventually, some at the Theatre as well. But, The Big Box saw the brunt of it all. Two weeks ago it was at its worst. One day I couldn’t make it in. That was the first day of my work week. I couldn’t walk straight and I wasn’t going to go in and have them send me home again. It was just easier to call off.

I missed the second day of my work week as well. That day, I just didn’t care. I had been on one particular schedule – three days a week – and was under the impression that is what it would stay moving forward. Apparently, one of those days has been switched with another. I had no idea. Honestly, I hadn’t looked at the schedule, because I thought I knew what it was based on previous dialogues. So, when it changed and I was taken by surprise, I just didn’t care.

The third day that week, work was cancelled. There was no truck to be done on the last day, so there would be no work.

This past week I made 2 out of 3. I made the first day, but I suffered. I was in so much discomfort. It seriously was taking most of my focus just to keep moving. The second day was a bust. I just couldn’t do it. I did offer to go in if the medicine kicked in and I wasn’t hurting anymore, but I was told to just stay home. Then, two days later, I made the third day. So we will see what this week holds.

The Theatre has been interesting. I took a job during this last show as their dishwasher. [It’s a dinner theatre.] I no sooner reported for duty the first night and they told me not to go job hunting because they would need me on stage crew for the next show. This week starts tech. Plus, they have also asked me to work double-duty as a dishwasher on Thursdays.

The Middle School gig has come to a successful close. Near the end, there were whisperings of the possibility of maybe directing next year. Admittedly, a very slim possibility. I do kind of hope it goes that way. The thought of it made me feel alive.

This is an important statement because, since The Disappearance, I have gone several more rounds with depression. One much darker than any of you would care for me to disclose.

It was the day after this particular depression that I would have the accident. I was distracted. I was sorting through it all, searching for understanding, and I just railed into the back end of some poor son of a gun. No one is injured (outright.) I did realize several days later that it had messed with my back. However, the van was totaled. There wasn’t so much damage done to it. It could have been fixed. But, there was so much rusting underneath that fixing it could have made it hazardous. It has been replaced. [Just one more debt I owe.] It is not a van, and this does make me sad, but it is a vehicle and it works. (For now.)

The Murder mystery project has thrown me quite a few curveballs that I had not expected, but these can only make it a more solid venture in the end.

The Shaman and The Pillar eventually took a break, offering me a reprieve and leaving me to wallow in my experiences. [They are starting back up again, slowly.] I really cannot tell you the number of Vision Quests I have taken, nor describe for you the Dreamtime that I have had. This is why I almost wish I had been able to write the past two months.

There have been many journeys back to The Beginning – the moment before my Death.

But, there have also been many other moments.

For instance, one night, there was a message. It was almost perfectly clear. I know it was clear during the Dreamtime itself, but by the time I was conscious again it had become scrambled. And, I haven’t been able to put my finger on it since. I was told one of two very opposite things. Either, “You’re not going to need the second income,” or, “You are going to need the second income.”

Obviously, it is the latter of these two that makes the most sense. Right? Just one of the two jobs I have is not enough. Hell, they are barely enough combined. So, I took a deep breath and accepted it. I didn’t like it, because I was already very unhappy at The Big Box. In fact, I am pretty sure that is what was on my mind as I drifted off that night. But, then, all that crazy happened with The Big Box. I was missing all of that work. All of that ‘second’ income and I began to wonder. Is that what I really heard?

Nonetheless, I am still on the schedule at The Big Box, even after all of that commotion. I figure that says something. So, I’m just going to do my best to see it through to its own natural conclusion. I keep feeling like this week will determine something.

Despite the fact that I have been at this for several months now, I feel like this week is the first week. For so long I have been juggling and arranging and searching. I set out to take care of business. If you recall, in one of my earlier posts I wrote on about the possibility of taking on up to four part time jobs and in reality I could barely work around two of them. I was juggling and racing and rearranging all in the hopes of getting caught up and grounded in some way.

I’m still not caught up and this week will be one of the most challenging in several weeks. But, I feel grounded. I feel like I got this. I don’t know what ‘this’ is, but I feel like I got it. There is a lot of activity leading up to next weekend.

Monday I must mow the lawn while there is a break in the rain. However, before I can mow the lawn I must finish building the new ramp to get the mowers out of the garden shed. However, I have to have all of this done and be cleaned up in time to go to the Theatre by 2 PM. I will be there until about 9[ish.]

Tuesday I must start my day at The Big Box, followed by a rehearsal at the Theatre at some point in the day. Then, I must get to Sunshine’s band performance at school that night.

Wednesday I have The Big Box in the morning and the Theatre at night, possibly separated by picking the Princesses up and taking them to dance class.

Come Thursday, things start to balance out and by next week I will have a routine. At least until vacation in June.

Recently, I had a friend come to me for some energy work. A little spiritual uplifting, as it were. To be honest, it was one of the most intense sessions I have had in quite some time. It is also the first one ever to be given in The Cave. Two thoughts have arisen from this experience.

First, it got me to wondering if I could actually see clients in The Cave. Certainly with some work completed it could be fitting. But, I am looking more presently. Is it something that could work? The Cave is not the most professional of spaces. A person would certainly have to be comfortable with me in order to come here for work. It is a hodge podge of furniture and a collection of randomness. Though it does have its charm and appeal, it has no walls – merely some insulation. It has a good vibe and folks are certainly comfortable here. But, they are all people that I know, or people who are here through a person I know.

Perhaps, that is one of the keys to my success. My work certainly isn’t for just anyone. A person comes to me when it is time to come to me. That is how it has been for the whole of my life – and in all areas of it as well. Maybe that is where I need to focus though – on my friends, or people my friends send to me. It is a limited clientele, but it would certainly be an appropriate one.

When my friend arrived for his first session, he gave me a gift. He said it was payment for my services. Needless to say, I told him no payment was expected. But he insisted. He has returned several times, once even for a session he didn’t know he was having. Each time, he has brought me a gift. [Tonight’s being the greatest so far.]

Maybe that is part of my success as well. I’ve never really liked setting prices, taking payments, and all of that. But, I have done it because, well, that’s business. Right? That’s how it goes. But, what if…what if I returned to the practices of Medicine Men of days gone by. What if there is no payment, but a gift instead. It could be anything. It wouldn’t have to be anything special or of any particular value. No payments. Just a gift. Could it be a monetary gift? Certainly. But, it could also be a rock. As long as the gesture is genuine and sincere it should have the power behind it to accomplish The Works.

Besides, I could find myself genuinely surprised at the results. [Much as I was tonight.]

I failed The Lenten Challenge. I failed miserably. Well, I failed during the challenge itself. But, since the accident something has been different. The very things I was working towards during The Challenge seem to be happening naturally on their own now. There has been no real thought nor effort on my part.

For instance, though I have not actually quit smoking as of yet I am smoking the vape more often. I am wanting it more often. It’s not exactly quitting, it’s more of a substitution, but if I can get off the cigarettes themselves that is an accomplishment. I want them done. I want them done because I don’t always enjoy them. I want them done because it’s just a lot of money pissed away. I want them done because I don’t like being a victim to things, so uncontrollably addicted.

I tell people all the time that I had been drinking so much that by the time I was 21, I had to quit. I was out of control and it never ended well. So, I had to quit. And I did. For two years [maybe three] I didn’t have a single drink. Not even a drop. I did eventually start drinking again and I have been drinking ever since. However, it is more controlled. I know my limits and, though there are exceptions, I rarely go beyond my limits.

Well I think that’s all the news that is the news…for now. You’ve been brought up to speed and I feel a tad accomplished.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia this is your beloved Rev wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness, baby!

Please feel free to leave comments, questions, and concerns. I don’t know you are there if you don’t say, “Hi.” Also, you’re experience of WTML is just as important as mine. So, let me know what you think. Secondly, if you would like to connect, or find out more about me, you can find WTML on Facebook @TheNewWTML or myself at @rev.mgeist.