Ep. 19 - Just Another Week

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

Welcome To My Life is a project, an experiment in Life and ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise is that life is experiential, and that you can, and do, experience the life you choose. It is based on The Wheel of Life and The ARTs for The New Millennium as life building tools.

Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and sometimes unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

Professor Siggy Chong

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

PDT

‘Blue 326’

The Original KLT

The Looch

The Baker

Bert-on

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Hoagie

The Anomaly

The Wix-ians

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, July 22, 2018. Time...Drifting

Theme of the Week – Healing Hurts

I don’t know how else to put it. I’ve had a very challenging week, but at the end of it all, despite how beaten and broken my body and spirit are, I still feel good. I feel as though things are moving forward. Growing pains, I suppose.

Lesson of the Week – Follow the Hunch

This actually came up, in one form or another, several times this week. I will share two. One was the weekend with my daughters. I was struggling with taking the time off, but I am so glad that I did. Friday night was beautiful and Sunday was a lot of fun. We not only got to the art museum for the first time in a long time, but I met an obscure Facebook friend while we were there. He’s a guy I am friends with through a mutual friend. We had never met. But, there he was. So In introduced myself and who knows when I will see him again. But I am sure I will. We also were able to make two little boys happy by buying their curbside lemonade and I got to tell their mother all about the art museum. How much more could you ask for from an adventure.

The other moment is much smaller. I left for work one day knowing that I needed to buy coffee for at home. I could have stopped on my way in and I had thought about it, but decided to wait until after. I wasn’t looking forward to spending the money at all since I had so little of it to spend. I wasn’t at work long when the boss came to me and told me she had coffee grounds that she couldn’t use. Perfectly fine, just not ok for a restaurant. So, I left work with enough coffee for a few weeks.

Observation of the Week – I’m Blowing Up

I am and I don’t know why. There’s the incident from a few weeks ago, the recent Facebook debate and then…Cuddlebug. What on G-d’s green Earth could have me so troubled, so worrisome, so blinded. This is something I must work on.

Totems –Sparrow; Frog; Deer; Blue jay; Hawk

Sunday was a particularly difficult night. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually had a post finished on Sunday night. So, I wasn’t really prepared for anything else. I can’t really tell you what I did either. (And, honestly, right this moment it is only 24 hours ago.)

I just sort of piddled around. [FYI - ‘Piddle,’ and derivatives thereof, has become my new favorite word.]

I didn’t sleep good on Sunday night and I certainly didn’t wake right on Monday morning. I woke with The Anomaly on my mind. Not that this is surprising. She’s always on my mind. I can’t get her out of my head.

But this was a different thought. I’ve been so enveloped by her presence. I’ve been so fascinated by the very obvious Divine hand in it all. I am so struggling with being attracted to her and trying so damn hard not to be. [we’ll get to that though. It’s one of those, “God, WTF?” Kinda things.]

I was looking for new perspective when I had the most frightening realization. (More like woke with it.) What if…what if she is nothing more than a trick of The Daemon? I just got done writing in the last post that once he comes you can trust nothing. And, he is definitely still around. He just made his presence known on the way home from work

Sunday evening. So…what if? What if she is nothing but a distraction, a confusion.

Then another thought.

What if that is all The Theatre is? What if it is just a trick, a slight of hand?

My god…what if that is all my life is?

What if I really do belong on the street? What if that is my inevitable end? What if I am actually causing a disruption to existence by not being there?

What if…

*deep breath.*

What if that thought itself is just another one of his ruses?

You see, that’s how he gets you. He brings with him 7 challenges. I can only remember one these days, and quite frankly, I’m too afraid to go back and find the others. Don’t plan on ever going back there. I would rather die first.

But the one I do remember is - your mind. He will challenge your sanity. He will steal it out from under you and if he can’t steal it he will do everything he can to convince you that you lost it.

[Funny, driving a man insane was the trick of a pair of serpents I once knew. I would have never associated the two.]

Do I believe any of it? Not necessarily. However, the seeds have been planted and I am left with little choice but to be open to the possibility and accepting of the consequences.

It’s who they have trained me to be.

All I can do is move forward and hope to put all things into proper perspective.

As for The Anomaly…well…I just don’t know.

I want to take that night and cherish it. I can never really describe for you the true blessing that moment in Time was for me. It was so by chance, happenstance. It was, itself, an anomaly. A very blessed one, but an anomaly nonetheless.

But it has passed. It is nothing more than a memory [though perhaps the fondest I shall ever have.] I cannot dwell there. I have to be so careful. I cannot dwell for the same reason I can’t walk away. Believe me, if I could cut and run I would. I know how this story ends. I’ve read it many times before.

If I’m going to be honest, there is a new variable coming into play very shortly. At first glance it looks like things are about to get even more challenging for our young hero.

(Young?)

It looks like things are about to get even more challenging for our old…very old, ancient, aged…hero. There’s nothing I can do but lay down and die and let things take their course.

So, if I could get away I would. But, I can’t. There’s still a job to be done.

If there is one thing I have gotten from my struggles, if I have gained anything from my time with the Daemon, it’s that 21 years ago I made a commitment and it’s about damn time I started living it.

Monday moved on and became harder. My goal was to get some of the metal pile dismantled so that I could take it over to the yard. I did get some of that done. Not nearly as much as I would have liked, but that’s ok. I’ve learned since then that I was working towards an unrealistic timeframe. [So, having slowed down really means nothing.]

I was almost forced inside. By 11 AM it was so hot and humid out. I really couldn’t take it. Now, I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled later that day. Nothing major, just a check-up. Mostly he wanted to make sure that I’m taking my blood pressure medicine.

So, I decided I would go inside, rest and cool off, take a shower and eat. Once I had showered, I saw little point in trying to work outside again but I had time to kill. I grabbed some lunch and thought about what all Sunday had brought. Finishing the post was not the only accomplishment, or blessing.

I also finished the 'Letter' - Phase 2. To satisfy, Hoagie’s request once again I will give you the gist of it - I have worth and value.

I didn’t get into the whole dysfunctional relationships thing. That is a matter I cannot touch right now. But, I needed to take a stand.

So, I wrote it all out. Using the lawn mowing as a starting point, I attached a value, an actual dollar amount to the things I do around Geistopia. I was trying to talk in a language they understand. I know it didn't go over well. I know it didn't help. Well, it didn't help them, nor the situation, but it helped me incredibly.

The whole argument was against this 'I am ungrateful,' and, 'I don't contribute' sentiment. That's been their take for a very long time and it is one that I have been feeling more recently. There is no denying my family has done much for me. I can recall a time when I felt so defeated that I may never be able to truly repay it all. This letter gave me an overall perspective.

Again, using the lawn as a starting point, I gave value to all the things that I do that they would otherwise be paying to have done - mowing, weeding, mulching, cleaning up the yard throughout the year, cleaning, etc. My parents can't do it. My sister won't. So, if I weren't here, or just outright refused to do it, they would be paying for it. It worked out to be a nice chunk of change, and that was just the beginning. Add in the house cleansing/blessings that I do whenever I clean [and then some.] I would normally charge $100 for that and they get it for free and frequently. And, it takes a lot out of me every time I do it. [Which, is why it is a $100 service.] Or, figure in all of the little fix-it up projects I try to take care of, for instance, installing a fence like border along the edge of part of the house to keep critters from making their way into the basement again. Yes, I said, "again." But, I did that. I manifested the materials. I did the work. There's always stuff like that going on and they give little or no help towards it. Much like the window screening that I am just now manifesting.

I then added in The Garden. I pointed out that, though they don't actually appreciate The Garden, at the end of the day they are the ones who ultimately benefit from it. After all, it adds value to their property. I ended the letter telling them that I have absolutely no problem going back to mowing the lawn. I added, however, that if anyone ever talked to me like that again I would be done, not just with the lawn but with all of it. If I didn't feel that way before the letter, I certainly did after. I am tired of being treated and handled as tough I am worthless - like I am an inconvenience, until of course I am convenient enough that they need something.

On Friday morning, they came to mow the lawn again. So, I guess we know how that all played out. They're going to continue paying for it. The tension in Geistopia has subsided to its normal level. It never really goes away. It only settles into a mellower existence.

Also, on Sunday, I dug out a group of file folders. They are filled with writings and notes and things I've collected. I was looking for something in particular, but I am just so overwhelmed by the vast amount of information. It's journals and notes and calculations and writings and oh so many versions of The Book. I could call it 'The Complete Unfinished Works' and probably get away with publishing it. It has been quite an adventure reading through these things and some will get shared - sooner or later. It has been a lot of fun to go through all of it - remembering the feelings and recapturing some of the adventures.

Monday continued on and found me in a heated Facebook debate. I don't really want to get into it here. It was a ridiculous debate [that actually dragged on for several days.] In fact, the debate has reached my own page. By invitation, of course.

I really don’t want to say much about it for this is not the forum for such a topic. However, here is what I observed – we really don’t listen to each other. We are too busy ‘fighting the fight.’ We have divided our lives into two sides, us and them – black and white. [Colors...not race.]We do not see the problem before us because we are too busy arguing over the problems behind us.

Nonetheless, the debate dragged on for several hours, back and forth, with no real resolve. Before I knew it, the sun was near setting and The Shaman appeared in The Garden as he often does. He came bearing gifts of insight and wisdom. It would take some time before I would be able to envelope myself in them. When I did, the night changed.

It was not long before the skies were speaking to me. I heard what they said very clearly. Clearer than I would have liked, truth be told. Understanding what they said was a completely different matter. I sat for a while then tried to wander inside. I wasn’t in long before I was beckoned back to The Garden.

There he stood - a lanky, shadowy figure. I think I startled him as much as he did me. No words were spoken between us. It seemed nothing more than a territorial ‘dispute.’ He would soon disappear, but not be gone. Others would join him before long - the flitty and flickering ones. [Those are the ones you really have to watch out for.] It’s hard to say what all happened. I had traveled far and fast that night. I was sure to be back and inside before 3 though. Three to four is a very dark and dangerous hour. One in which even I will not play.

Tuesday would come too quickly. I awoke sore and beaten. I wasn’t quite the person I had been when Monday began. In fact, I haven’t quite been the same since. Tuesday is actually quite a blur, as is the rest of the week but for a few moments here and there.

Let’s see if I can recall them.

So, with the re-discovery of the folders I came across a dance piece that I wrote 16 years ago. I was asked to write it. The words were intended to be the music. The piece was never to make the stage then. I am currently initiating discussions to see if it can now.

I read for, and was cast in, a small local production. It is a 2 night/3 rehearsal gig and I now have lines to start memorizing and a character to let use my body. And, as far as I know it is a paying gig.

I set up an interview for a seasonal store. This has actually been in the works since early in the year, but since it is a seasonal store we were waiting for the season to get here. Another week until that.

I took [most of] the weekend off to spend with the Princesses. This was the only weekend in July that I would see them. On Friday night we had a fire and S’mores. Saturday they went to the show and I worked. Sunday we hit the Art Museum. Overall the weekend was good.

Friday night, Cuddlebug and I had a moment. I asked her to do something and she was busy in her phone. I commented and waited. Still in her phone. I kinda flipped. [Not even kinda.] The phone thing frustrates me, how it is so vital to her existence. Also, we seem to have reached the stage where daddy doesn’t really exist. Lol. So, I blew my top. She blew hers. We had a good go round. Afterwards, things went as they always do – I knocked on the door. Was given permission to enter. I went in, sat down and we talked. Well, to be honest, there’s a bit more to it than that. When I first went in I was still kinda pissed. Nonetheless, we did talk, as we always do.

I’m glad all of this happened. I think we know each other just a little bit better now. She learned how I feel about some things and I learned of some things that are on her mind. She is a brilliant young lady. She is rational and reasonable and level headed. When we did finally get to the fire, after all the commotion, she talked to me about the nonsense between me and Craze & Co. She told me how I should be the better person. I should apologize, if for nothing else, for reacting so terribly. She said I shouldn’t feed into it.

“Ya know…you’re pretty smart.”

“It’s just everything you’ve told us.”

“Well, shit…at least I know you’re listening.”

This leaves us with only The Anomaly. Every time I think that I have my balanced and resolved in my feelings I soon find that I am not. I don’t know what it is about her exactly. Her voice makes me weak. I get shills with every word she doth speak. [Sorry, needed that one to rhyme.] And, every time I have an encounter with her I must stop a moment and catch my breath afterwards. The Princesses actually had a chance to witness that for themselves this weekend. Her energy is so soft and makes me just want to melt into her. Every time I look at her the image is etched into my mind. Then those images play, over and over and over again like a giant friggin’ Viewfinder. Truth is, if I could draw I would draw her. I am so fascinated by everything about her.

So, we have these little moments – nothing serious, just passing moments. But one can’t help but wonder. Once this week I went outside and, while enjoying my cigarette, the Voice says, “She’s going to be right inside the door when you go in.” Sure enough, she was. And, sure enough, we engaged a moment. And, sure enough, as soon as I was out of her sight *gasp* I caught my breath. Saturday before I was gone she mentioned that on Sunday I could see the outfit she had for the concert she was going to. This was actually a thing. We had talked about the concert and the outfit a few times, so I’m not surprised that it came up. On Sunday, I did see the outfit. I also slipped her a few packs of fruit snacks for the ride.

Once again, I search for new perspective. Something I can use to anchor myself and not get swept up in it all. Everything happens for a reason. She is here for a reason. For her, for me, for I don’t know. So my new resolve is to look at what she has already brought me – a chance to love.

I haven’t felt so strongly in such a very long time. And, now I can. I can love without expectation. I can share that love freely in small, subtle ways. It feels good. It’s funny actually. I try to do all of these little things. It’s not about letting her know how I feel, because I don’t really want her to know. But, still, I am actually doing more to pursue and/or woo her than I ever have with anyone. Most of my relationships just sort of fell in my lap. There was never much of a chase and I was never very good at such a thing anyway. Yet, here I am, putting myself out there for one I could never have anyway.

All in all I would say life is good at the moment. The week was very rough, but necessary.

Once again, I don’t know what is happening but something is definitely happening – The Shaman; The Daemon; The Writings; The Anomaly. It’s all leading somewhere…but where? All we can do is wait and see.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia this is your beloved Rev wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness, baby!

Please feel free to leave comments, questions, and concerns. I don’t know you are there if you don’t say, “Hi.” Also, you’re experience of WTML is just as important as mine. So, let me know what you think. Secondly, if you would like to connect, or find out more about me, you can find WTML on Facebook @TheNewWTML or myself at @rev.mgeist.