Ep. 22 - Break and Release

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

Welcome To My Life is a project, an experiment in Life and ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise is that life is experiential, and that you can, and do, experience the life you choose. It is based on The Wheel of Life and The ARTs for The New Millennium as life building tools.

Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and sometimes unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

Professor Siggy Chong

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

PDT

‘Blue 326’

The Original KLT

The Looch

The Baker

Bert-on

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Hoagie

Jo-Jo Dancer

The Anomaly

The Wix-ians

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, July 29, 2018. Time...Regained

Theme of the Week – Pain Helps

Lesson of the Week – Suck It Up

Observation of the Week – I Love Who I Am; I Hate Being Me

Totems – Squirrel; Frog; Catbird

Never would I have thought that I could do a mid-week post and still have so much to write about come Sunday. The end of the week was much more intense than anything that I could have anticipated.

On Wednesday I had received a link from a friend. It was all about the impending Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse and how it was going to play on people. This is most definitely a perfect example of The Message Always Comes Before The Moment. In the future I must remember not to take such messages quite so lightly. [I also read an article, after the eclipse, describing how it would affect each sign. SPOT ON!]

Before I continue, though, I want to address – The Ego. Oh no, it’s not a dissertation. It’s the 2nd. Ego is yet another trick [challenge] of The Daemon. He knows just how to stroke it, too. [PERVERTS!] The Daemon loves nothing more than to help you build yourself up…only so he can watch you fall. The Ego is a tricky thing. We need it. It helps define us, protect us, and guide us. Too little of it and one becomes weak. Too much and…well…inevitably you become just as weak. The Daemon knows this, so he will take you to the extremes. He will inflate The Ego as much as he can. And, then, he’ll pop it, leaving you with nothing.

There you have it. 2 down. 5 to go. And, I haven’t even had to return. I might get this yet.

But then, that sounds like a bit of Ego, doesn’t it?

I’ll still have to return. I can’t find even so much of an inkling as to what the remaining 5 might be. As for the 2 I am aware of – he’s been hitting them pretty hard lately.

*deep breath.*

Ok. So, Thursday gets crazy. Now it’s important to know that by Thursday morning the Moon has reached the beginning of its Full Phase. It’s true that the Moon is only full for but a moment. However, each phase of the Moon lasts a total of three and a half days. As do the energies involved.

I had a full day planned on Thursday. I was dropping metal off at the scrap yard. From there to work. I would leave work in the middle of the shift to attend my support meeting and then return. I would finish work, go home, get ready, and be off to another theatre to see yet another show. It was going to be a long day to begin with, if I only had an actual clue as to what it would really be.

So, everything right up to finishing at the scrap yard was going according to plan. But that wouldn’t last. I had just received my payment [$76. I’ll take it.] I went back to the truck on the scale and got in. It wouldn’t start. This is no surprise. It likes to do that. A lot.

With the help of one of the employees, I managed to push it off the scale. I tried it once more and still nothing. So, I had to call Craze. It’s his truck and I needed him to come and do AAA. I would have, only I just had them, not only start it but also, tow it just a few weeks ago. They won’t tow the same vehicle, for the same reason, twice.

An hour later, he is still not there. [It’s a 30 min drive at the most.] I am now late for work. The truck starts on my next attempt. Now I’m sitting there with a running truck but I can’t leave because I am still waiting on Craze. I waited a while and then thought maybe I would drive and see if I could pass him. No such luck. Back to the yard I went. I waited some more and then thought I might try driving one more time.

This time, I did pass him and managed to get his attention. I waited on the side of the road as he made his turn around. He gets behind me and at the very next intersection, the truck dies once more. I started to push it out of the intersection and was successful, once Craze used my car to help. I got on the horn to AAA and got them on their way. After that, I needed to leave Craze alone to manage the rest as I ran off to work.

I got to work with only thirty minutes left until I had to leave. There wasn’t much to do, but I got it done and then I was out the door.

The support meeting was…ok. I have a new case worker and by new I mean he’s totally new. They switched up the case load and he is my ‘new’ worker, but he is NEW. The boy be a neophyte. So, he’s nice. He hasn’t had time to lose his personality to the job yet. But, he is also very rigid and firm. The new ones always are. They still have things to prove.

He accepted my very minimal payment. He also accepted my proposal to double dip the wage garnishment with the Seasonal Store. Though, he had to check with his supervisor first because, technically, they don’t double dip. My worries are not over though. I had hoped the double dipping would put us square, that I wouldn’t have to think about it again. My hopes were dashed. He informed me that I would be coming back at the end of August. I need to have about $140 at that time, or he may have to send me to court. That was so not the plan.

Finances are an issue at the moment. Not that that is anything new, but I have been tight this week. It was the whole reason I had pushed so hard to get the metal ready. But, I can’t quite get past You Have What You Need to Move Forward. It has all come together quite nicely and I do actually have what I need to get me to the next paycheck. This is going to require an effort, a sacrifice of sorts, on my part, but as long as I can follow through on that I definitely can make it to the next pay.

And, it happened in a variety of small and random ways. Of course, there was the metal. Then, when the truck died, Craze brought a 5 gal container of gas, thinking maybe it was out of gas. That gas is now in my car. Also, I received a direct deposit from The Big Box. It wasn’t much. $10. The thing is – they pay weekly and I haven’t worked for them in about a month. Maybe they were thanking me for not coming back.

Ok, so back to work. I walked in and started assessing as soon as I hit the kitchen. I first saw trays of dishes just piled on the line. As I rounded the corner I saw the first cart of bus pans. Each bus pan almost overflowing with dishes. And, from the corner of my eye I could spy the second cart, which looked exactly the same. In the dish room there would be mountains of dishes waiting for me.

It would seem that the only person that was available to cover for me also had to serve that day. If that wasn’t enough, we also had an unexpected visit by the health inspector on Thursday. [Also new, by the way.] The person covering me and serving also had to deal with the inspector. So, dishes just piled up and I think she was just kind of getting to them when I returned.

I managed. I worked hard. I was diligent in my efforts and I got through it. Not alone, of course. I must say that as a whole the entire team pulled together that day and made it work.

So, I make my way home and get ready. Fortunately, I had been fed at work so I didn’t have to make time to find food. This was especially important, because The Pillar would make an unannounced appearance. I’m still not entirely certain what the purpose of his visit was, but it was not random. The timing was way too precise.

I knew my night out was going to be ‘something.’ I just didn’t know what it would be. One of the waiters from The Theatre is in a community theatre production of one of my favorite shows. As fate would have it, Jo-Jo Dancer was the choreographer. And, the young lady who was originally cast opposite me as Mrs. Lovett was one of the principals. It would turn out that they were not the only ones that I knew in the production. Jo-Jo Dancer’s daughter was also in it. As was Zason’s brother, whom I have had the privilege of working with in the past. There was even a gentleman whom I had done a production with 15 years ago. He then joined my Annie cast as well.

It was kind of like ‘Old Home Week’ once the show was over. But…I get ahead of myself.

So, quite a few people from The Theatre were going to be at the show. We had gotten special permission to come and see it during the dress rehearsal since we all have a show of our own on the weekends. The Anomaly would be there as well. I didn’t really interact or bother with, anyone until after the show – including her.

I did what I usually do. I found a seat at the back of the theatre as close to the center as I could. It was actually pretty close. And, with the design of the theatre I was actually able to stand next to the seat, leaning against a steel beam. Someone from the theatre did actually join me, but I told her I was not going to be very interactive.

I enjoyed the show. Again, I have my critique, both good and bad, but that’s neither here nor there. During the show, something happened to me. I don’t know exactly what though. The best description is that I breathed life. For the first time in 20 years, I actually felt alive.

I felt it happen, too. My whole body reacted to it. The whole night was intense and inspirational. I love Jo-Jo’s choreography. I always have. In fact, that night I asked her if she would move this dance piece I am trying to propose. If anyone can move ‘words’ it is her. I also found someone who I want to cast in the murder mystery I am working on. He has great control of his legs. I need that.

During the show The General would pay me a visit. Oh, yes. THE General. He used to do a lot of work with this particular theatre company. So, I imagine he was just checking in, and I just happened to be there. If I had any doubts that he was there, Jo-Jo put them to rest when she told me that she had talked to him as well.

Only once in the night would The Anomaly and I interact. It was the usual. My little bit of fun. One pack…and a smile.

I am on a high this night like none I have known. At least, not in a very long time. It starts with the performance itself. I really was swept away by it. Then at intermission I would go out and gaze at the Moon, almost completely Full. My mind was racing with all of the potential and possibilities that I was seeing unfold. Throw in The General’s visit. And, he has a bench dedicated to him outside the theatre. So, I had to stop and pay homage.

After the show there was quite a rush as well. It was great being able to see everyone and talk to them. It was nice to be an audience member for a change. It felt good to be that theatre person that people know and who can give encouraging words. [That used to be The General.] It was just like coming back from the dead. I have been away from The Valley’s theatre scene for 15 years. Ever since that little Red-Headed Whore.

I came home and sat in The Garden. The Universe itself was very alive that night. Energies were running rampant…as were spirits. I was making random Facebook posts concerning the show. I was encouraging people to go see it and left a message for all of my friends that were in it. Each comment was only a repeat of what I had already said to them, but I wanted to make it all public. They each deserve recognition for their work and efforts.

I was also continuing a text conversation with Jo-Jo. She doesn’t quite realize it but she is one of my dearest friends. There’s very little I wouldn’t do for her. Of course at that point in time I was very much on my Shaman train so it was a rather deep discussion.

Speaking of The Shaman Train, I was very much The Hatter this week. I haven’t been that so much of late. But this week I was even given a Quest to pass on to Hoagie. So I did – riddles, rhymes and all.

Anyway, amidst the frenzy of my ‘high’ I did something I promised myself I wasn’t going to do. I texted The Anomaly. It was nothing big. Just a little something, using the only door I had, to test the boundaries a bit. She did text back, and my heart skipped a beat. [Funny, I thought the doctor said that wouldn’t happen if I took my blood pressure medicine.] After a little while I sent one more text. Just another push of the limits. In all, it was a 5 text conversation. Nothing heavy. Nothing imposing. Just a simple friendly exchange. Was it enough? Or, was it too much?

I managed to get myself inside just before the 3 o’clock hour. I will not play outside between 3 and 4 AM. I don’t even really like being awake in that time. I become very aware of the nasties that stalk about. This I would learn on Friday night. Nonetheless, I got three hours of sleep on Thursday night. Not undisturbed either. I did, however, manage to steal another hour sometime before work on Friday. I didn’t think anything of this at first. I’ve had almost sleepless nights many times in my life. This was nothing new. I wouldn’t realize what was really happening until Saturday. [But…we’re not there yet.]

Friday, they would come once more to mow the lawn. This time, though, Craze & Co was very vocal about their seemingly new awareness that the lawn is never mowed up to Geistopian standards. Apparently, Boom-Dee-Aye signed a six week contract. So, I hear Big ‘D’ comment that when it concludes they will have to figure something else out. Dude, I don’t know if I was more stunned or appalled. I mean, really? Really? You would rather continue to pay for sub-par work, which is what you will get no matter who you hire, than to have any kind of a connection or understanding with me. That is easier than maybe swallowing just the littlest bit of pride? Regardless, I told them that they will do no such thing. When the contract is done I will go back to mowing the yard.

I would see The Anomaly on Friday. I went about my business as usual, trying to have a little more fun – playing off the night before. Only, it wasn’t so much fun. It was more like a slap in the face. It wasn’t her fault. I just needed a reminder. I was getting too swept up in my own emotions. I needed to be put back in my place. Time to return The Mabbit to his hole.

That’s how I felt for the rest of Friday. I tested the limits just a lil too much and I got exactly what I deserved. I could accept it but it still kinda fucked me up. So much, in fact, that when I got home from work on Friday night I would let the Demon have its way with me. Now, it is important to remember that, though they are related, The Demon and The Daemon are not the same entity. The Demon is my own struggle. The Daemon is something I could never control.

I wouldn’t make it inside before 3 AM Friday night. I actually got stuck in The MattCave until after 4. I wouldn’t even go near the door. Too many things peering through the windows that night. Anyway, I did get inside and Friday night I would manage a total of another 3 hours of sleep – not consecutive. I was awake and asleep off and on.

In that Witching Hour, I ended up sharing yet another of my writings on Facebook. It was way too long to do in one post, so I broke it up into many individual paragraphs. It was a fun one to look back on. It would come just prior to the first Journey. Before my death. After twenty years, it still hits home. What I love most about this writing is how it was done. I was completely ‘tripped out’ at the time. I had taken my very first [real] vision quest. I would lock myself in a room for an entire weekend and Vision Quest while watching a particular movie series. This writing was the end result of that.

When it was all done, I would sit down and write…and write…and write. In its original format it is nothing but one giant run-on paragraph. It was completely free-form thought. But it is potent. Twenty years later, it not only makes sense, it makes its point.

I awoke on Saturday morning with my spirit feeling a bit broken. I keep saying that I wasn’t quite having a #SelfLove morning. I decided that since my spirit felt broken that my body should feel the same. On the upside…I got quite a bit accomplished in The Garden. But, I most certainly broke my body. With only 2 exceptions I worked until it was time to go to work. One exception would be a shower. The other would be when The Shaman and The Pillar came to sweep me away and play. This is kinda when shit got real for me.

After our Pow-Wow I was feeling quite awakened…and shaken. The Pillar was up to his usual maniacal machinations, and I am never quite certain of what The Shaman is up to. Usually I can take The Pillar with a certain grain of salt. A lot of times he just tries to rile a person up. I swear he gets that from The Russian. Those two together are dangerous – to mind and body. But, they are my friends. My posse, if you will. At the end of the day, they would both be there for me in any situation and most likely offer up more than I could ever ask for.

This day, though, his ramblings would strike a chord with me. If what he spoke of is real then my life could get very surreal. Sooner rather than later. If his tales are true, they would align almost perfectly with things that came up during the reading in Wildwood. The question is, “Is that really how I want to get there?”

A better question would be, “Do I really have a choice?” But, I already know the answer to that. In any case, as it always is with The Pillar, only time will tell.

I walked back to The Garden, my head in a daze. Perhaps the sleep deprivation was catching up to me. That’s when it hit me. Not only had I not gotten sleep, not only were crazy things going on, but there was something happening in conjunction with all of this, side by side – The Full Moon [and everything it brought with it – the eclipse, the Blood Moon, the retrograde planets.] I was on a Vision Quest and didn’t even realize it until I was in way over my head.

I got frustrated, agitated even. For some time in there I even broke down. I’m so over it already. All of it. Just a few days prior I had been reveling on my life. It seems no matter what, I so very often end up in the right place at the right time for the right person. And, not ever by my own doing. In fact, it’s very often quite the opposite. My day goes awry and in the chaos of it all I find myself there, with whomever, and what was really supposed to happen happens. It is a beautiful gift and I don’t think I would trade it for anything. [Most days.] But this…this is the other side of that coin. This is the darkness that haunts me. This is the price I must pay for that gift.

I couldn’t do what I do for people in those random moments without the Vision Quests. I must endure them. I must suffer through them. Occasionally, I am given a head’s up. I can prepare and plan and Quest properly. But, more often than I care to think about, they happen just like this – on their own. Usually they do coincide with astrological events or Holi-days. They’re not quite as random as I would like to pretend that they are.

I am G-d’s Bitch. Of this, there is no doubt. I am collared and owned. I get tossed around in whatever ways suit ‘his’ needs. There’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is show up and do my best to get through it and to the other side. That doesn’t mean I am always happy about it. Saturday being a case in point.

Truthfully, I was quite disgusted. I love the experiences. They are eye-opening and inspiring and fulfilling. But suddenly, all I could hear in my head was twenty years of people asking, even prompting, “Why can’t you be more like everyone else?” [Why can’t you be ‘normal.’]

Gee…I wonder. Let me think about it *scratches head*

THIS is why. I never know if I am coming or going. What starts out as a regular day soon, and, oft times surprisingly, turns into what a ‘normal’ day is for me – the spirits, the quests, the visions, the energies. I’m a sponge and a magnet all at the same time. Like I said, I made a commitment 21 years ago, and T.O.T.S. has held me to it every day since. Even when I have forgotten.

A perfect example of me being a magnet happened Friday at work. I was in the dish room, minding my own business, still kind of recovering from the slap, when all of a sudden there was someone standing beside me. He didn’t stay long. Only long enough for me to acknowledge his presence. God, I hate the fact that I can see them now. For a long time I could only sense them and that was enough for me. But, oh, no. I had to evolve. Joy.

I did ask about him on Saturday night. I just wanted to know if there were any rumors, stories, or whisperings of a ghost being on the premises. My boss confirmed there had been some. Then she asked if I was ok.

“Oh, yeah. He seemed friendly enough. I just wasn’t sure if he belonged here or if he was making a special appearance just for me.”

But, I digress. [Surprise.]

Here I am on Saturday afternoon. I woke with a broken spirit and I worked until my body was breaking. Now, suddenly, my mind was breaking. All that was left to break was my heart and that would come today.

All in all, it was just another reason to keep working, keep pushing. To hurt. To punish myself – just for being me. *Shrugs.* At least I was being productive. I mean, is there a better way to be self-abusive?

So, I did. I went right back to work. My neighbors and some mutual friends were out and about their yard that day and they could not believe that, in my condition, I was getting ready to go to work before the day was through. Truly, I was in no shape to do anything and, honestly, I am impressed that I made it through work at all.

Needless to say, my thoughts would soon move to The Anomaly. I have gotten just so swept up in her, so involved and engaged. And, truth be told, for a moment I allowed myself to get hopeful. That was a mistake and one that I needed to figure out how to rectify. But, how? I can’t get near her without falling all over again. Every day, moment after moment, I fall over and over again. This left but one solution. I need to stay away from her. I need to distance myself as much as circumstances allow. Saturday night, this is precisely what I would do. I would walk out of my way just to avoid her. And, I certainly wouldn’t look at her…but once. Once I had to. Yet another image in the gallery that will never go away.

So, I made it through work, I got beyond The Anomaly, and I returned home. For a time, I thought I would have another sleepless night. Eventually though I would crash and burn and I would manage a whole five hours on Saturday night.

This morning I woke up hurting. Not only was my body seriously twisted up but my mind was as well. I was starting down a familiar path with The Anomaly and perhaps I was hasty in that choice. I’ve done it several times in my life. I pushed DancingQueen away. I pushed The Girl away. [And, I pushed her hard.] Now, here I was ready to do the exact same thing all over again. I’m pushing The Anomaly away and the avoidance is just the first step.

I thought, perhaps, I am being too hasty. Besides I can’t really push her away because I can’t get away from her. At least, not without changing my whole life and that’s not really an option at the moment. Not to mention there’s that whole, “She’s here for a reason” thing. *Shrugs disdainfully.* Eh.

I thought maybe I could fix the situation. I would, without saying too much, just apologize for the night before. I would explain that I just “wasn’t quite myself.” When I bumped into her in the alleyway that is precisely what I did.

“Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I didn’t notice.”

Oh. Yeah. Sure. That helps a whole lot.

For weeks I’ve been like a fucking lost puppy with this chick. Now, I go out of my way to be the exact opposite and she didn’t notice.

Thanks. Thank you, G-d, for that swift kick to the gonads. Thank you for reminding me, yet again, just how unimportant I am. How unnoticed. How unmissable. I’ve been unmissed before. Actually, I use to quite enjoy it – the ability to disappear and have no one notice. Or, even care. But this time it hurt. I don’t think I have ever hurt like that in my life. Honestly, it didn’t hurt that much the day Mama told me that she never actually loved me.

But, this…this cut deep. My heart did break, joining the rest of my beings. So, I went on my way to work. Because, I had little choice. After much cursing out Spirit, I did manage to bring myself around. I remembered. Her falling for me was never part of the plan. But then, that was half my issue at that moment.

I mean, I was doin’ just fine. I was. I thought. I was alone, but I had dealt with the loneliness. Well, maybe not so much dealt with, but put it into its proper place. I had accepted my fate of being alone. I had become comfortable in the knowledge that, for whatever time I have left on this Earth, it would be just me.

Then, out of the blue and with a vengeance, G-D starts poking and prodding. It’s time for me to open up and be in a relationship. In the reading, I’m told it is right under my nose. All the while, he is dangling this girl right in front of me. And, I can’t touch her. He knew damn well that I would go head over for her and he put her there anyway. And then makes it so I can’t get away from her. In fact, in about another week, it looks like I am going to be spending more one-on-one time with her than I care to think about. I mean, how do I get through that? I can’t…I…I don’t…I can’t function right around her. It takes everything I have to keep my composure in the few fleeting moments we share now. How the hell do I get through extended time? On the flip side, however, shortly after that I will get a few weeks reprieve. No contact whatsoever.

WTF?

What the fuck did I do to deserve this kind of torment? Is it not enough that I actually can’t lead a ‘normal’ life? Now I have to be teased and tricked on top of it?

Nonetheless, I worked my way through it all. I got myself together, mostly. After all, there is that whole ‘here for a reason’ thing. One day we will get there and this will all be over. So, there’s that. But then I started thinking about what she has given me. She has given me a chance to love. I haven’t felt so deeply in a very long time. If, I’m being honest, no one has touched me this deeply since Her Jenniness. [There have been quite a few since her that might be upset to hear as much.] But, it’s true. She gives me the same feeling, touches my soul on the same level. I figured that much out when I found ‘The Letter.’ I could get lost in her and stay lost in her for hours without giving it a thought. I could get lost in her forever. Just as I could with Her Jenniness.

So, she has given me the chance to love. One last time, I suppose.

She has also given me a new Compilation. Yes, it’s true. I made a playlist all about her. [Because. we don’t make CDs anymore. We make playlists.] It has completely captured the essence of this experience for me. But, then, that is the whole point to the Compilations. They are designed to be places that I can store pieces of my soul to keep them safe and visit when needed.

It is actually an excellent blend of music. It has a mix of styles and genres. And, only one repeat artist. But, it also tells the story better than I probably could. In fact, I could learn quite a bit from the very first song. There’s one song that I have been on the fence about, but today it took on definition. So, I guess it stays.

In fact, she even earned herself a very particular song. Three years ago…*shakes head* that is a more significant timeframe than I can explain…but, three years ago I was lonely. Three years ago I did want to find someone. I thought I would work a little magick. So, I made a playlist hoping it would call her to me. It told the story of who I had been, where I had come from, and how I had gotten to where I was. It told the story of what would happen the day I met her. This song was the very first song on that playlist. It was the one that inspired it. It brings such a strong feeling with it. Much like the song that told me Mama was leaving. [Six months before she did.] For me, this song is the epitome of love. It is exactly how I want to feel at the beginning of it all. It is what I want to feel at the end.

And…she got it. It’s all hers and it can never belong to anyone else.

There’s another song on her playlist that I absolutely love. I listen to it over and over and over again. Every word of it is exactly how I feel, what I go through, in her presence. Turns out…it’s on the original playlist as well. Right near the end of the story.

This is how my week concludes. Every level of my being has been broken…and life goes on. No sense in wallowing in any of it.

My next week starts with my ‘interview’ for The Seasonal Store. After that, it is home to The Garden. I have every intention of working myself even harder than I did on Saturday. I won’t quit until I drop. There is work to be done. And, I need to put myself wholly into something so I can get her out of my mind.

Besides…I kinda still wanna hurt.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia this is your beloved Rev wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness, baby!

Please feel free to leave comments, questions, and concerns. I don’t know you are there if you don’t say, “Hi.” Also, you’re experience of WTML is just as important as mine. So, let me know what you think. Secondly, if you would like to connect, or find out more about me, you can find WTML on Facebook @TheNewWTML or myself at @rev.mgeist.