Ep. 25 - Daemon in my head. Soul to be dead.

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

Welcome To My Life is a project, an experiment in Life and ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise is that life is experiential, and that you can, and do, experience the life you choose. It is based on The Wheel of Life and The ARTs for The New Millennium as life building tools.

Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

Professor Siggy Chong

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

PDT

‘Blue 326’

The Original KLT

The Looch

The Baker

Bert-on

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Hoagie

The Anomaly

The Wix-ians

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, August 12, 2018. Time...Adjusting.

Theme of the Week – Let The Love In

Lesson of the Week – Don’t Be So Sure

Observation of the Week – We Are Our Own Worst Enemies

Totems – Cricket; Hawk; Chipmunk; frog (dead)

I don’t even know how to describe this week. It started off on what seemed like a strong and positive note. By the end of the week it had become something altogether different.

But then, the real fun was to come at the end of the week, right?

Monday morning seems vague to me. I had to make an unexpected run to the bank because I forgot to mobile deposit my paycheck the night before and I was playing a dangerous game with my finances. It may not seem like a big deal – to have to run to the bank – but my closest branch is about 25 minutes away. Don’t ask. Long story.

Anyway, so I do the bank run and then off to the grocery store and the beer distributor. I knew Hoagie was coming by that evening and part of my commitment to him is to make sure there is cold beer in the fridge. [Hey, it is what it is.] From there I had one more errand to run before I could return home. I needed to stop by The Professor’s.

As I mentioned before, he had been in the hospital. At this point he had been home a week and I did want to check in on him one more time. But, that was not the reason for my visit. The Professor has a problem with alcohol. This is not an over-exaggeration. ‘Problem’ is the only word for it. Twice now ‘the drink’ has taken such a toll on his body that it starts to shut down.

The last time it happened he had started with rehab and the medical stuff came later. When he returned from rehab I stayed away from him for quite some time. The Princesses didn’t understand this and I had to explain to them that I would be a ‘trigger’ for him. If we hung out we would drink, because that’s what we always do. When I did finally start going around again I told him where I stood on things.

I will never lecture someone, or give them crap of any kind, over drinking. Not only is that not my style, it would also be extremely hypocritical. Let’s face it. I’m a drinker. I do like to get my drunk on. Twice in my life it has become a problem. Twice I have changed my habits or quit altogether. [Temporarily.] SO, who am I to tell someone what they should or should not be doing? Yet, The Professor’s situation did demand some attention. I told him that I wouldn’t lecture him or get in his way…UNLESS…it became a threat to his body or his life. At that point, I was going to step in.

Unfortunately, by the time we realized how it was affecting him again it was too late to intervene. Off to the hospital he went. Sadly, despite his statements and promises, he apparently jumped right back on that horse. So, my visit on Monday was much more business than personal. I reminded him first of the promise I had made. And, I told him why I was now intervening. I told him that we’re not going through this again. No one. I understand, of course, that he has shit in his head that he wrestles with constantly. But, I told him, for us on the outside watching him deteriorate sucked and NONE of us are going to do it a third time. I had a number already of just how many beers he has been drinking in a day so I wasn’t going to make him count.

Instead, I told him, “If you ask me, personally, whatever you are at it is too much. It is way too soon for you to be drinking anything even close to what you were at before. Drink something else. Have three beers a day. Have five. Hell, have six, at least then you still know you have a problem. [Inside joke.] But, anything over that is just way too much right now.”

I also went on to tell him that I wasn’t going to let him just sit in his chair and rot away again. This is all part of his pattern and why his body shuts down. With that I told him I was going to get his kid to bring him over to Geistopia that night to hang out with me and Hoagie. And then I left.

I found that all day on Monday I was very blunt and brazen in everything. I don’t know where my head was or what exactly was happening. I just let my thoughts fly as they came. It was almost…aggressive. I wasn’t feeling aggressive. I was just very unfiltered. I was intense. I was focused and determined. Hoagie picked up on this when he arrived.

He asked if something was wrong. Nothing was wrong but something was going on. I’d understand a little bit more when The Professor finally arrived.

I’ve been trying for some time now to get The Professor and Hoagie to move in together.

They both need new residences, sooner rather than later. They both have limited resources. And, they both need someone around. I was hoping they could work things out that night. But, Geistopia had other plans. On Monday, it would show its darker magicks. I haven’t really seen those in a long time. Maybe that is what I was feeling all day.

Sometimes, Geistopia likes to show us the things we don’t want to see – the things we hide deep inside of ourselves, our ‘deniable’ truths. This is precisely what I witnessed unfolding. It wasn’t bad. There was no real danger to anyone, and for this we can all be thankful. But, the darkness did come forth and suddenly I understood why I had shifted into Shaman mode before the Tea Party started.

Tuesday was a strange day for me.

First, I had to get all Shaman with Hoagie again and I didn’t enjoy it. I had to throw out bread crumbs for him and let him follow them to their own natural end. I think it worked. But, I know how it feels to suffer through those challenges and I felt bad for him. No one has to tell me that Spirit is loving and compassionate, understanding and fair. This I know. But, in all of those things, it can seem very harsh and cruel. Sometimes, it seems like punishment. [As we all know, I’m going through this currently.] These experiences are usually why I tell G-d that he needs better people skills. That’s usually when he says, “I called it ‘Tough Love’ for a reason.”

I had a meeting at noon. [Such an appropriate time.] I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before or not, but while I was going through the 15+ years old writings, I came across a dance piece that I was once asked – by one of the most brilliant minds it has been my honour to know – to write. Yes. Write.

She wanted it to be a monologue all about a woman through the eyes of a man. The words would be the music that moved us. To this day, I find it to be a remarkable concept. Unfortunately, she would catch ill and pass before there was anything more than 2 meetings and a vague rehearsal. The project then got stuffed into a folder and has been all but forgotten these years.

I had actually dug it out to show to someone. She had accused me of being a ‘typical male-sexist pig’ because I most certainly do like tits & ass., and, I certainly am not shy about it. Anyway, I wanted to show her that you really can’t judge a book by its cover…nor the first few pages. If you really want to get to the meat of the book you must go so much deeper.

Well, once it was out, for whatever reason, I felt the need to try to get it on stage. If nothing else, it helps me see my commitment to this brilliant mind to conclusion. So, I contacted a friend/associate of mine. She is in the head chair for the stage for which the piece was originally intended. We met…and it is a go. The performance is currently slated for Memorial Day weekend. I’m excited. It was conceived by a brilliant mind. Then written by mine. [Make of that what you wish.] Now it is going to be choreographed by one of the most talented choreographers I know.

The meeting brought about other things as well. In the same files I found a proposal I had started writing all those years ago as well. I mean it is just hand scribbled notes at this time. It was a proposal to direct a specific show at the same theatre. They have certain requirements they must meet, and some that they like to meet. I’ve always loved this show and think it would be a perfect match. My friend told me to go ahead and finish the proposal, adding that she doesn’t know why she never looked at it before. She also mentioned auditions for another show that I love. I don’t know that I can get the part that I want. But, I do know, if I can, that I will bring much life to it.

Here’s an interesting side note – All of this takes me back to The Place. The place where I met Her Jenniness. The place that I loathe so. It’s an odd relationship we have, me and The Place. I mean, it is beautiful. It has a sense of serenity and peace about it. But, much like everything else in my life there is another side to it. Something very dark and dangerous sleeps there. I know this because 17 years ago we woke it up. Well, not ‘we.’ I had nothing to do with that part of it. I just ended up along for the ride. It taunted and tormented us for months. It was these events that would eventually lead to The Demon being released in Geistopia. I often wonder if I am called back there so frequently just to make sure no one ever wakes it again.

The rest of Tuesday is practically nothing. I slept. Not all day but most of it. I would get up and do one little thing and then feel the need to rest again. This carried through off and on all day. Eventually, I would just give up. Then I slept for 12 hours. At first, I thought maybe it was just all of those weeks of little or no sleep catching up with me. I would learn different before it was all over.

Wednesday, I was extremely energetic. Who wouldn’t be after 12 hours of sleep, I thought. It was a nervous energy. I was bouncing off the walls before I even got to work. Believe me, they put that energy to good use that day. Then it was dinner night with The Princesses. The day seemed normal enough, except for the high energy.

On Thursday, it would all get a little more disconcerting. In the morning I was having these heart palpitations. I’ve had them before, occasionally – here and there. This was different though. They were almost constant for an hour and then continued after that, albeit less frequently. I was disoriented. I was getting a headache. And, then I went to walk. It was such a strange sensation. My feet weren’t numb. That isn’t the right description. I almost wish it were. The best I can describe is – think of being on a roller coaster or thrill ride. In that moment that you take the big, fast dip you can feel it all in your body. That’s what I was feeling in my feet. I half thought about going to the doctor.

I was so worried by it, actually, that I ended up telling my boss that maybe she should be aware that I have been known to randomly lose consciousness. It’s only happened 3 times [that I know of lol.] Well, it’s only happened 3 times like that. If you add in moments like Texas, or that time with Piz, the number grows.

I made it through my day without incident and Thursday night I would learn just what was happening to me. Apparently, there is this cosmic phenomenon called The Lion’s Gate Portal. It is a yearly occurrence. It happened on Wednesday, but you know the rules – Day Before, Day Of, and Day After. Suddenly it all made so much sense. From what I read folks like me are particularly affected by it all. It involves an opening of the Third Eye Chakra. This would explain the 12+ hours of sleep. The more active My Third Eye and Crown Chakras become, the more I tend to Zen-itate away. There is also an opening of the Heart Chakra. And, there we have the palpitations.

Now I can’t imagine how I’ve been doing this for 20 years and never come across this before, but this is what I have been talking about. It seems every year a new one is added to the mix and soon I will have nothing but a calendar full of 3-day Quests. They just sneak up on me and it seems as though there is nothing I can do about it. And, all the while, I need to force myself to go out into the world and be ‘normal.’

*Sigh.*

Friday would get a little more bizarre.

The day itself was ok. I would get a few little things done and I would have to rest again in the afternoon. I could feel myself on edge. I was feeling ok, but definitely on the edge of something. I suppose I felt it coming all day long. I just didn’t know what it was or how intense it would be. I don’t know. I mean, I can say that I knew something was askew. I just couldn’t have fathomed what was to come.

I’d like to say that The Anomaly had nothing to do with it. I’d like to, but I can’t. She wasn’t the cause, but, by all accounts, she seems to have been the trigger. I had seen her in my travels and so many things rushed into my head at once. My whole mood shifted. Unfortunately, it shifted at work. And, it did not go unnoticed. I can’t imagine how it could have.

I was in space like I cannot comprehend. I was feeling rage. RAGE. I…I…I don’t even know what to say on that. I can’t remember the last time that I felt all-out rage. I’ve been angry and frustrated, even ‘boiling.’ But, rage? I had to keep myself from breaking stuff. So much just running through my head.

If I’m being honest, I guess it really did start with The Anomaly. Needless to say that is always on my mind and quite frustrating. But, we’ll get to that. From there my mind filled with so many other things. I thought about the night the Banshee visited me telling me how I don’t belong here. I can’t ever get that out of my mind. The question always remains – what if she was right?

If you take the time to really look at it, my life has been pretty poor and pathetic. Everything I touch disintegrates. I suppose I’ve caused so much harm. More than good some days. What if I am the anomaly?

Then I thought on The Pillar and his words that I think too much of myself and put myself before others. Do I really? I mean more than other people do? I try so hard to be the opposite of that. I try to be encouraging and supportive. I try to be positive for people and lift them up. I do this for strangers on the street as well as those I know. I’ve wanted nothing but the best for everyone. I am just incapable of giving it to anyone. If I’m failing…well, then maybe I really don’t belong here. My thoughts were all over the place. Anxiety was setting in. Frustration. More rage.

Suddenly, I realized that it was The Day Before. I shook my head in disgust. Of course. Why shouldn’t this be happening? It wasn’t just any Day Before. It was the Day Before my Re-Birthday. That’s when it struck me. How did I not see it? I was told it was coming. [The Message Before the Moment.] I was told flat out that The Daemon would visit me over these three days. And, sure enough, here he was.

Rage is not the word for what I felt next.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of the messages and visions. I’m tired of them always being so damned accurate. I am tired of this life, of this existence. But, it is a one-way door I walked through and there is no way back and only one way out. I am alone in the abyss with no one to help and nothing to hold onto. I’m tired of surviving it. Twenty years ago I was dead and I fought my way back. I thought I had purpose, something to do. [There’s that ego.]

I began to wish that I could back to that night. All I would need to do then would be make a different choice. I could stay. I could let it all be over before it ever began. I could stop myself from causing all of the destruction and dysfunction that I have scarred the world with over these twenty years. I could spare my children the disappointment and heartache of having me as a father.

Why can’t I go back? One choice, one moment, and everyone could be spared.

I bruised my hands. I marked my arms, though not nearly as deep as I had wanted to. There was no doubt that my mood had changed and someone would be bold enough to challenge it. I’m glad he did. I respected it. He just wanted to know if it was something someone at work had done. I assured him it wasn’t and that I was sorry if I was taking it out on them. He told me I wasn’t.

Before the night was over, they would gather and toast my birthday. Oh yes, a literal toast. Ya gotta love a job where you can drink with the boss at the end of the night lol. I also received quite the birthday present that night. It’s nice to be around people who seem to like me. Sometimes I wish they didn’t. I can only ever let them down.

I came home and drank myself to numbness on Friday night. I was able to put the pain aside. But, that would be short-lived.

Saturday was my Re-Birthday. I am usually so very into this day. [Perhaps that’s because I am so obviously all about myself.] This year it was nothing. Just another day. Not very much of one at that. There was no jubilant celebration, nor festive activities. I picked up The Princesses in the morning and they would spend the day at Geistopia. They went grocery shopping with Big ‘D’ to prepare for the week ahead. Then they just puttered about, as did I, until it was time to go for dinner. After dinner there would eventually be cake. Craze didn’t sing Happy Birthday. [In fact, in the whole day, he never even said the words.] I’m not even sure if Cuddlebug sang along. Then we would watch a movie. It was one I needed to watch to work towards my character for the upcoming train robbery performance. Cuddlebug was so unimpressed by it.

I slept a lot in the day. And I slept heavy at night. Someone came to visit during Dreamtime. I don’t know how long they were here and I can only recall one statement. “You’re going about this all wrong.” I have no idea what it is in reference to. It could be The Daemon. He was on my mind as I drifted off. It could be The Anomaly. She is always on my mind.

I can see how the statement could relate to The Daemon. I am lost in this fight. I am trying so hard to be steadfast. I am trying so hard to not be scared, but…he does frighten me. Maybe frighten isn’t the right word. He unnerves me. He has definitely proven to me that he exists. He is as real as you or I. [On some plane or another anyway.] I was much more content when I saw it all as symbolism, but this shit is just too much. It seems no matter who I think I am the Universe wants me to see that I am not.

It’s funny, too, because recently so many people are coming forth with compliments and kindness. Sometimes, I wish they would stop. I can’t imagine how I deserve it.

This morning was particularly difficult. I broke. I completely broke. I cried and I shook. Eventually, I found myself fetal on the floor. I was so deep in my mind and at one point I am fairly certain I tried to pull it out of my head. If I could have cut it out I probably would have.

I…I don’t know how to do this. I really don’t. Who would have thought a challenge of ‘Ego’ could so easily defeat me? How could I even have an ego? There is absolutely nothing in my life to have an ego over. There is absolutely nothing special, remarkable, nor spectacular about me. I have nothing. I own nothing. Truly, I can do nothing. It’s how I have been able to be invisible so often over the years – to disappear and have no one notice, nor care.

I’m just a guy…dopin’ along.

Some people seem to admire this about me. Hmph. If only they knew the truth. It is not my nature. It is my defense. It is how I survive. And, [almost] keep my sanity. Everything I have ever tried has failed. Every plan has gone awry. I can never get ahead. Quite frankly, more often than not I find myself slipping further behind. *laughs* G-d, how I skate past, just by the seat of my pants.

[All of this brings me back to – maybe I really don’t belong here.]

Recently, I have been almost wishing I could go to that night and make the other choice. Perhaps I could have gone out on a good note then. Life didn’t suck. I wasn’t impoverished. I still had my circle of friends...an most of my family. I kinda liked me then.

[But, I’ve never ‘loved’ me.]

This was my morning. The Daemon whispering in my ear all of my faults and flaws. Every mistake. Every ill or sin. I’ve never really changed. I’ve only shielded and diverted.

Before I knew it, it was time to go to work. So, I brushed myself off, put the smile on and headed out. I really didn’t want to go. I’m so tired of ‘being strong.’ So tired of the show. I did ok. Only a few tears flowed when no one could see. No one would have ever known that my mind was numb, my heart was black, and my soul disparaged. They are so nice to me. I so wish they weren’t.

So, this is what I have come through. This is the whole of my week. Almost. There is still one topic left.

(Always leave the best for last.)

The Anomaly.

I really don’t know anymore if she is a blessing or a curse. Just her presence breathes such life into me, and at the same time I feel so dead. I am stuck. Mostly in my own mind. *sigh* I can’t make head nor tail of it all. Nor, can I find any resolve. It seems whenever I get close, Spirit has other ideas.

I get it. I do. She is here for a reason. I can’t even question that. I’ve played it over and over in my head. Never was it in my plans to be where I was when I met her. I was supposed to be gone several times over by the day we met. Yet, time and time again, I was drawn back. To this day I am held there. At any point I could have ‘turned another corner and we never would have met.’ That was my plan, after all. Those arrangements were so very temporary – several times. Nothing became secure or permanent until just before she would arrive.

So, fine. She’s here for a reason. *sigh* [So tired I tell you.]

I almost feel guilty for being attracted to her. Attracted is such an understatement at that. I am drawn to her. It drives me insane. I’m trying so hard to not be attracted to her, to not be drawn. But, I am. I do. I absolutely adore her soul. I want to touch it, to know it.

I think that’s what’s bothering me the most. It’s not so much about the desire for her – the attraction. I just want to know her. All of her. Everything I can learn. That’s all I really want – just to be in her presence. I mean, sure, it would be nice if she could be drawn to me as well. But, as The Great Papa Boy-sky always says, “You can wish in one hand and crap in the other. See which one fills up first.”

That’s the thing though. I mean, did I really need all of this now? For months this focus on opening my heart and letting someone in. Then…I’m sent her? Millions of women in the world. I could run across any one of them at any time. But, she is the one that comes along and takes my heart. The most impossible of probabilities.

All the while, I am still being poked and prodded. All week long there would be random messages popping up across my Facebook, all speaking of believing in love and not worrying about the rest of the world. The love of a soul is all that matters. So many messages saying it does not matter what all the ‘why nots’ are. The only thing that matters is the love. [If only I believed in random coincidence and not synchronicity.]

But…could she ever love me? She barely knows me and I am hardly a thought in her mind. And, if it’s not her, then who? And, if it’s not her, then why put me through this? I was fine. I had dealt with the loneliness. Well, maybe not dealt with, but certainly put it in its place. I am alone. I have been alone for a decade. I had finally accepted and settled into, gotten comfortable with, the notion that I will be alone for the rest of my years. So, who has time for loneliness? It’s nothing I can change. All I can do is dope along and look for other things to fill that void.

Then she comes along.

I didn’t even have a chance to open my heart for her. She ripped it open…and she doesn’t even know it. [Nor would she care.]

I tried at least getting her attention and I failed. ‘Everything I say comes out wrong and never comes out right.’ So I resolved to step back, to stay away as best as circumstances allow. This has been to no avail as well. Every time I try, it seems as though Spirit goes out of its way to push her right under my nose. That is how this whole week has been.

How can I not be frustrated? What sort of twisted chess game is it that G-d is playing with me? When I advance, he pulls her back. When I withdraw, he pushes her forward. The whole week was interaction after interaction. Today being the longest we were in each other’s vicinity in weeks.

Minor, little exchanges throughout the week. Each one leaving me weak and catching my breath. Each moment etched in my mind’s eye. On Friday, when she learned my birthday was coming the next day, she did wish me a happy birthday. And, it was sincere. [Only, I couldn’t look at her when she said it.] And, today, given the chance, she asked how it was.

Trifles, really. It all means nothing, right? But, then, why put me there in the first place? Especially knowing what it will do to me. The second reading was all about relationships. I needed to put things behind me, change my thinking and be open. I needed to ‘let love in.’ If this were any other time in my life I would be cutting and running by now. We’ve reached the point where I would very much like to take this experience, fold it up and tuck it away until it has become nothing more than a mere memory that I can take out and look back on fondly. But…I can’t cut and run. Spirit has put me between a rock and a hard place. And, very much on purpose I might add.

But…what in G-d’s name could be the purpose?

Now I am home, back in The Cave. My mind is still kind of numb. I do not know what to make of the past three days at all. I don’t know what to make of the fact that they were prophesied. And, I certainly do not know what to make of anything that lies ahead. If this was but the first challenge how do I make it through six more?

But, for now, the week ahead is set. The Princesses are here all week. It is our last hoorah for the summer. Next week they return to school. [Waaaaay to early in my opinion.] We have plans and projects and whatnots. I only have one extra day off this week. Maybe two but that is unlikely and probably best. It’s [almost] business as usual.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness, baby!

Please feel free to leave comments, questions, and concerns. I don’t know you are there if you don’t say, “Hi.” Also, you’re experience of WTML is just as important as mine. So, let me know what you think. Secondly, if you would like to connect, or find out more about me, you can find WTML on Facebook @TheNewWTML or myself at @rev.mgeist.