In Case You Were Wondering

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

Welcome to my Life is a project, an experiment in life and ART. A living storyboard, if you will. It’s premise is that life is experiential and that you can, and do, experience the life you choose. It is based on The wheel of lIfe and The ARTs for The New Millennium as life building tools. Yes, it’s true. *shrugs*

Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

Zason

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Senoll #5

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Dick Pointer

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, June 20, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Fun. Time...In Absentia

Theme – Relax, Release, Realize

This Theme came in pieces. It is a statement I have used many times. Generally, it refers to the process of achieving a Goal. When things get tough or challenging – Relax. Take a breath. Walk away. Do what you gotta do to chill. Then, Release. Let go of the stress and the tension and the worries and doubts and questions. Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way and It Always works Out in the End. Once you have freed yourself you can then Realize a solution. You can see a way to fix it, tweak it, make it work – long enough to work. And then you can Realize the Goal. But, this time around, as I said, has been pieces. First, I needed to learn to Relax. I don’t do that so good. If I am not on the go thing to ‘do’ something then I am sitting and planning, plotting, calculating. So, I needed to learn to give me time for me. [It’s too precious, after all.] Then came the Release. To be honest, I am still working on this. Currently, it is bigger than usual. I am working at letting go of all that is past – jobs, relationships, feelings, hurts, triumphs, failures…the whole lot of it. I must chisel away at it every day until there is nothing of it left. It is the dross. So far, I have only come to one realization. I am working with it the best that I can. It is heavy, but redeeming and liberating. From here, there are two ways it can go. Either it is the ‘end’ and I will live in this realization until my end, or I will discover a way to use it as a foundation for building a new realization.

Lesson – Patience

I could have easily made this Precise & Perfectly Placed. However, accepting that this is how all of life comes together is only the first step. Next, one must be patient and wait for precision and perfect placement. I think that can be the hardest [most frustrating] part. For instance, my tax return. I submitted my return on March 18. I had some plans for that money. But, it did not come when it ‘should’ have. I made new plans for the money. It did not come. I made new plans. Still, to this day, it has not come. The IRS is apparently backlogged and it has been stuck in processing for months. I was goi g to use the money for new brakes. Yet, here I am today getting new brakes and paying another way. All I can really do at this point is be patient and wait, knowing that the money will come when it can be properly utilized.

Observation – You Can’t Go Back

I find two applications for this. One – The Past. You Can’t Go Back. You Can’t Go Back and fix it or change it. You Can’t Go Back and right the wrong-doings. [Yours or others’.] All you can do is carry, not the experience itself but, what it gifted you with you and make the most of it always. The other is an Observation I started to make with The Job. I took The Job because I needed a job. It was something that I knew I could and do right. I knew it was something I could be passionate about [when at work.] Apparently, I had forgotten everything else – like why I left in the first place. It is a very cut-throat and negative environment. Not really conducive for a sensitive, empath, intuitive type person. Nonetheless, The Job served its purpose. It was a lift up and a reminder that You Can’t Go Back. The Job, though helpful, on a long term basis would have been a step backwards in my life. It’s funny, too, how many opportunities to ‘go back’ have come my way in the past several months. Jobs that I left abruptly asking me back. Jobs that I could never even get an interview for now handing me a paper and encouraging me to apply. All of this when I have work that is suiting me just fine. I’ve contemplated each and every one of those opportunities as they came. But, You Can’t Go Back. There comes a point in our lives when we must release everything that is behind us and only move forward. These Jobs, as well as so many other things, are all behind me and there is no going back. I have made but one exception to this recently, but more on that in the next post.

The Post

It has been a month since I have written anything. I’m not exactly sure why that is. There were times when I had no motivation. And there were plenty of times when I had motivation but just couldn’t seem to find my words. Whatever the reason for my silence, I am glad of it. It was nice to take a slight break from illustrating and interpreting my life. [I mean, I was still doing it – just quietly and to myself.]

I’d like to say that a lot came out of this little hiatus, but, honestly, I’m not sure what has happened. I have focused on time with The Princesses and working. That’s pretty much what my life has been. I didn’t even visit The Putter for a safety meeting for two weeks. In the downtime between working I…I don’t know. I sat – still and silent. I rested. I contemplated. I worked on this or that. But truly, the downtime in between was few and far between, excepting for sleep time.

The delivery driving has been good for me. It really is the best of all worlds. It is like running any other business though. People always say to me, “It must be great to set your own schedule – work when you want.” Well, yes…and no. It’s not really as simple as all that. This is the source of my income. If I want to make money I have to work when working is good. Yes, it’s true that I can work the days and hours that I choose. But, just because I can work when I want, it doesn’t mean that I can take off when I want. I mean, I could, but then I need to make up for it somewhere in the week.

Overall, the income has been good and last week it was even a little better. My goals have shifted and I am raising the bar a little bit. But only because I believe I can do so successfully. It is just going to take some time and effort. I want to make a point on the income. Perhaps it will shed light on my past and also demonstrate what my consciousness is trying to process. It is long past June 20 and we have entered July. I have calculated all of my stuff for the past two months. Between May and June, my income was about $6600. I only mention the amount because there were many years when I made twice that [or less] for an entire year. So, everything is very different for me right now.

I cannot stress enough that I do not know how long term this may or may not be. I only know that it is working for now. And for now I have some major goals ahead of me.

I need to get the brakes done on The Vantasm. I have been waiting and waiting because I haven’t had the funds together. But it is getting to the point that I cannot wait much longer, if at all. [It’s already to the point that stepping on the brakes makes me cringe.] My biggest issue here is that I have decided not to go cheap on the brakes and the rotors. I am having both done and I want something at least mid-grade. I just drive way too much to not make the investment.

In a week, it is Cuddlebug’s 16th birthday. I asked her what she would like to do to celebrate it. We tossed a few things around and finally she decided that she would it Pleasant Beach for the day. I am down with this but that is going to cost me about $500 [if not a bit more.]

And, in August we would like to go back up north to Mystic and the Rhode Island beaches. This, as well, is going to set me back quite a bit.

If I keep up my momentum with the delivery, I am not really concerned about any of it [except maybe the brakes – due to urgency.] Plus, I still have occasional scrapping money still coming in, as well as the miscellaneous this or that. I have also been presented with an opportunity to pick up some brief side work, but more on that when the time is appropriate and I know better what is happening.

I have spent a lot of time in retrospection. More than perhaps I would have liked. At times it was a little difficult. Still, in the end, I have found a great deal of resolution. I find myself in a state of peace that I do not recognize. I have reviewed my past about as thoroughly as I think I can handle. There are still a lot of gaps in some things. But I have resolved, overall, that it is all unimportant and inconsequential. The past is nothing more than a tale to be told – to learn from; to be amused or inspired or intrigued by. But, it certainly is not something to be held onto, clutched like a precious possession.

I have thought about so very many moments of my life, dating back as far as I can recall. [Which isn’t all that far really.] I have not always been a good person. Far from it at times. Most especially sometimes even when I thought I was striving to be better. Nonetheless, it matters not. Damage has been done – to and from. That which can be amended has been and that which has not does not matter. It is not that these things are unimportant or trivial. It is not that I don’t feel a twinge of remorse or regret [though I really do not adhere to such concepts.] But, what’s done is done and life moves on. I think of some of the things I have done and the person I have been at times and I get knots in my stomach. But none of it has anything to do with who I am today. I obviously have learned from it.

I hold no real animosity towards those whom may have ‘wronged’ me either. What’s done is done and life moves on. No harm, no foul. I have survived. I have adapted and overcome. I may not have the ideal life but I have a pretty damn good life. It has been wrought with so many failures that any successes may be easily overlooked. Yet success there was from time to time. Sometimes large successes. Sometimes so very minor and minuscule. It matters not if anyone else ever knows them for I can never forget them.

And this is something that came through as a Lesson. Focus on the positive. Forgive and let go of the negative. It does not mean you are forgetting it nor even dishonoring it. These things have their place but if we hang onto them they will only force us into repeating the same negative patterns over and over again because it will be all we can see of ourselves.

This all makes it interesting that during some Dreamtime or another in the past several weeks there was a message to “Forgive her” accompanied by a vision of Big ‘D.’ I can’t imagine that I have not. I have extended forgiveness. I have focused on it for so long. At this point, I can say that truly I hold no animosity towards her. What’s done is done. I do not foresee that we will ever have much more than the ‘in passing’ relationship we have now. It is not that I do not want more, I just can’t imagine how that happens. We have never really had a close relationship. We have always been at odds. What’s done is done…and life moves on. Mine has moved on. I really don’t know what more to make of it than that.

Still it all brings to light the need for acceptance. I look back at so much of my life and find it hiding in the shadows. I would have never seen it at the time. But then they do say that hindsight is always 20/20. My worst mistakes have always been made in trying to gain acceptance or approval in trying to do something or be something. Then comes the greatest revelation of all.

I AM nothing.

And it is the greatest thing in the world to be.

Everyone’s got to be something and how easily we forget that even ’nothing’ is something. The great thing about ‘nothing’ is that it is formless. Therefore, it can take any form it chooses…but only for a moment. Any longer and it has become something and is no longer ‘nothing.’ This allows ‘nothing’ to be anything and everything. [But, only for a moment.]

I scrap metal, but I am not a metal scrapper.

I have acted, but I am not an actor.

I have waited on tables, but I am not a server.

I have made things, but I am not a craftsman.

I write but I am certainly no writer.

I have managed, and washed dishes, and made food, and scooped ice cream, and made coffee drinks, and laid sealcoat, and all sorts of this and that. Still, I find that I am none of these things.

I am nothing.

Just a guy doping along.

One might think this to be discouraging or negative. Yet, I find it to be liberating. For so many years I have struggled and stressed to be something and have repeatedly failed – sometimes by my own hands and sometimes just by the Fates of the Universe. Yet, at the same time, I have done and been all of these things - for as long as was needed. [“A little of this and a little of that makes for a very happy Matt.”]

I no longer need to make myself feel better about my life. It is what it is and for all intents and purposes it works. I have no schedule nor commitments to keep except those I make. I no longer have a boss to impress or keep happy. I no longer have anyone to impress or keep happy. My daughters love and accept me and my f’d up life. We make the most of it as often as we can. I have no relationship and no hope of one in my current state. But, even if my life would somehow miraculously turn around, I do not foresee any relationship in my life again. [But, then, I’ve known this for a very long time.] My time for that is done.

Everything I have been or done is gone now. All that I have left to do or be is in The Vantasm.

In my nothingness, I have officially become Freedom [just another word for nothing left to lose.]

This whole line of thinking comes about by thinking about my own Ego. This has been such a thing for so very long. Perhaps the whole of my life. Many people over the years have made it clear that they believe I think too much of myself. I do not know how true this is.

I can see where that could play across. I have certainly tried to own myself – anything I may ‘know’ or ‘do.’ But, in hindsight, it would seem that I was trying to own nothing and call it something. [So, I guess I did think too much of myself.]

The truth is I have never really felt comfortable in any situation. I have never felt confident enough, or felt good enough about myself. I actually don’t do well around people for extended periods of time. I can look back on so many moments of my life and see this haze around me. A protective shield of sorts. In my mind it seems like I was there but not entirely there. I can’t tell you how many shows I did in that state of mind, or days of work, or any given social situation. So much of my life seems to have been in a haze – just me trying to do me and never feeling quite right anywhere.

………………………

And, now, it is a week later and I am still typing away. I had even started this on Saturday because I knew Sunday would be busy. Little did I know wha the rest of the week was going to bring.

Nonetheless, I am sure I had a whole lot more to say, but I have definitely lost that groove in this process. That’s OK though. Whatever was in here is important to whatever comes next I suppose.

The moral of the story [for now] being that after two decades [more] of trying and chasing and being and labeling and owning I have reached a point where I must accept that nothing is all I have ever been and nothing is all I can ever be. [No-thing.] It sounds bad at first but truly it is not.

I have lived this whole life. There have been good times and there have been terrible times. I have faced more failures than I could possibly count. Every step forward was inevitably met with two back. No matter what I had done, I forever remained in nothingness. Yet, that nothingness had given me a diversity of life experience that I don’t think I could have even imagined on my own. It is what has allowed me to be and do and see all that I have. It is what has allowed me to go where I have gone.

Here I am, at a point where there is very little more I can do to improve anything. I am workin’ and hustlin’ – constantly. [Stories for next week perhaps.] Still, for all I am able to do at the moment, I remain No-Thing...and, finally, I am content in that.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev. saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

Heron

Hawk

Fox

Groundhog

Cardinal

Deer