Moving

Sunday, December 20, 2015

7:17 PM

I wish I had words for how I feel and what I am experiencing.

I am between Heaven and Hell.

There is so much good in my life. No matter what else can be said of it, there has always been plenty of good in my life. I don't think I could ever express the gratitude I have and the love I feel towards all of the good that has been in my life…even the shit that has gone wrong (and, there has been plenty of that.)

But, along the way there has been a great deal of darkness…heaviness…that to this moment I still cannot describe or explain.

I stand here now and look back on what I know the journey to have been - the highs and the lows; the times and the places; the moments and faces - and it has been, without a doubt, one of the most incredible journeys.

I feel like so much is coming to a close, ending. This unnerves me and I am not certain why. I know that all I can do right now is keep trying to ride this the best that I can.

If I could only explain to people the waves of consciousness that I go through on a daily basis.

There is so much about the past that I do not understand; Nor, could I ever wholly explain. But I have spent way too much time being caught up in it, allowing it to consume more and more of me each day.

So many words…anger…pain…hurt…insecurity….

It is time to move beyond all of that. I must write off the unexplainable, the unknowable, as just that. I must embrace the life that I am living and release the one that I have destroyed.

But it's the moment - this moment - that really catches my attention.

It seems that, for quite some time now, life has been a whirlwind. I cannot even begin to list all of the places I have been, people I have known, things I have been in just the past 17 years…the past 10.

The experience I have had of this world is unlike anything I could have imagined. It is so much of what I had always dreamed of but nothing that I could have ever truly expected.

I have been lost for a very long time. I sometimes think I started lost. So consumed by a darkness, shrouded in a haze, and too naïve, too ignorant, too young to be able to even recognize it - let alone do anything about it.

As I get older and look deeper into my past - the whens, the whos, the whys and the whatnots - I see how these things have surfaced throughout my life in different ways and different areas.

So often I have fallen short of living as the person I wish to be. (Oh have I.)

So long ago I had a dream, a vision of what my life was and I set out to be it, attain it, live it. Sometimes so desperate to know it that I would crush it from clutching so tightly. So often along the way I have been very much the opposite of anything I had hoped. So much, in fact, that it has actually begun to decay my body.

And yet, here I stand today - looking around at my life; at what I am doing and being and how it is flowing - and I am almost [entirely] that person. I can feel it. I think it, even when I lose it for a moment.

Then the question arises, as it always has, with all I have been and all I have done - can I ever really be that person, live that life?