S10EP6: These 13 Days

Friday, June 9; 0738

I put the one just to know when I started but this is going to be done off and on throughout my day.

I have been struggling a lot. Financially, yes. That just seems an eternal struggle for me. But I have been having a great internal struggle of faith, understanding, commitment, and more.

When I said this would happen throughout the day, even I had no clue what that meant. I got those few lines written at different points in the day. Now it is the end of the day.

Anyway, Something’s happening. I know. I know. I have been saying this for some time now. Imagine how I feel. I have been hearing it for 20 years. Still, I cannot deny the feelings, or the whispers. Something is happening.

I have been trying to capture the journey and the process in a separate writing titled Shoe Me the Money/ This title may be misleading. I don’t know if it is actually money that is brewing. I suppose that could be my own personal attachment. But something is happening, Fellow Travelers. Of this, you can be certain.

One of the whispers has been, “It will be an awesome Summer.” First of all, I feel as though I have heard the same in year’s past. Looking back, I can’t say if it was true or not. I’ve had some pretty good summers. But, they have each had their own struggles and setbacks as well. The question, for me, would be “which Summer?”

In my world, we are almost halfway through Summer. In the ‘real’ world we are still about 2 weeks from its beginning. If it is my summer than I just don’t know. Things haven’t been so awesome. So, I can only assume that the reference was in regards to the ‘real’ world Summer.

I do not know what is meant by it at this point. I can confirm that I have a vibe of good things ahead. I feel a difference. I feel it in myself and I feel it in the flow of my life. If not right this moment then certainly in times ahead. I can ‘see’ it. I can see a different flow and routine in my future. I can see myself with more balanced time and finances. I can see myself being ablew to take care of whatever business I must…or want. [This is not to say that it won’t be without its own struggles. Only that I see them as easier to navigate.] What I don’t understand is how it comes to pass?

When I looked at the calendar this morning to gauge my time, I was guided to count today as the first day. [It was early enough in the morning that this was not only acceptable but it also made sense.] Counting today as the first day and the Solstice, or Midsummer, as the last day – there are 13 days. Needless o say, I found this to be of significance.

That is when I decided to try to capture these 13 days as best as I can.

Today is already Once Upon Ago. It was here. It happened…and now it is gone. If I had to sum it up – it was a good day. I made the money I set out to make. I was left with a glimmer of hope for, not only, the next several days but for the next few weeks. The only real challenges I face are the looming garage bill and Cuddlebug’s party. The garage bill can be pushed back to month’s end. As for the party, Right This Moment, I cannot think about the money. It is pointless to fret on the finances if I am not laying the groundwork needed to pull this off. So, I need to do that first.

Beyond that, I do have a deficit with Brother John. Most of it is rent, part of which I am slowly covering. Some of it is electric. I was not aware how high the bill had gotten. So after the party and the garage, this is my first priority. Then I will continue to figure out the rent.

If I had to find Totems for today – Hawk, Duck, Flamingo. Perhaps Swan.

I was reminded today that this year is the first of a three year plan. This made me wonder if I should settle myself down a bit and not be so concerned about things coming together faster.

I do believe that something is happening – that change is imminent. It’s hard to see that or even try to believe it when it looks as though life is working backwards. I know I’ve made the comment at some point that it seemed as though my life was in Retrograde – looking as if it is moving backwards. Interestingly, I noticed on the calendar that Mercury is in Retrograde and it comes to an end sometime just before the Solstice.

I do think change is coming, but I also think that the changes start with me. I need to seriously review and regulate many areas of my life – mindsets, distractions, addictions, routines, limitations. This will be the hardest part of the process.

Well, it is just about 2000. I am going to go eat dinner and then maybe try to work on some other writings before bedtime sets in. Tomorrow I must work the early part of the day and then attend Cuddlebug’s Graduation party. I have prepared myself – food and clothing – for the next two days. Part of my current plan includes a ritual soak tomorrow night.

Saturday, June 10, 2023

I slept good last night and I awoke feeling energetic and positive. I just wanted to take a moment to touch base before my day starts. I have work and then Cuddlebug’s Grad party. It feels like there is something else [important?] in the schedule of which I am currently unaware.

Today, I just want to try to capture the things that seem noteworthy. [Preferably close to when they happen.] It was harder to do that yesterday because I needed to set the stage for the writing.

Things on my mind:

Work/income

Cuddlebug’s B’day Party

Catching up electric

Catching up Rent

Garage Bill

Work/life balance

Refinding my place in G-d’s Plan

I don’t like that my concerns all seem to be financial, practical, real. [Except for that last one.]

Ant

Blue Jay

Sunday, June 11, 2023; 1654

I have not been able to write the way I would like have liked to these past few days. Life just happens so fast and there is so much of it to which we must tend regularly.

More big things from yesterday – life unfolded. I recently told a friend and brother that I like the part of my life that is helping people. It is the one gift I have always had. I am blessed with the ability to be flexible and bend in my schedules and plans. I suppose you could call it my niche.

Anyway, by the close of yesterday my services were requested to shuttle a friend to and from work tomorrow. I was also asked to tend to one friend’s cat this coming weekend [one night and morning] and again at the end of July. And I was asked to end to another friend’s pets at the end of September.

Ask & It Is Given

I put a lot out to The Universe yesterday morning with my list of concerns and focuses. This is what The Universe sent me in return. I do not fully understand it, but It is What it Is.

Today was just a day. I got up and put in my time the best I could. I am finishing the week with more of a deficit than I had hoped or even planned. Still, there is the possibility to get myself on track this coming week and, with the ‘extra’ tasks at hand, maybe even make just a little extra. Not that extra is extra at the moment. First, I have Cuddlebug’s party coming up. Then I have garage bills looming. On top of all of that I need to get some straightening out done with Brother John.

I still have no clue, no answers, no real understanding. I do know that I have things of my own to work on – personal issues. The same as they have been for a long time.

I do not want to get too bogged down with writing here right now. I still have a blog post to do – which now needs to cover two weeks. I would also like to put some time into Show Me the Money. [Too much writing to do. Not enough time to do it.]

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

I’ve been having a hard time keeping up lately. This is both time and finances. It’s like the last few days are one big blue – Once Upon Ago.

I feel different this morning. So much is wrong right this minute. I am sinking. I sink a bit and gloat there and then I sink and float some more. Every time I am floating, I think, “well maybe I can pull myself up a little from here.” Instead I only sink some more. Still, I keep on keeping on in Faith…or Foolishness. I’m not sure which.

I’ve had the thought recently that the problem is obviously me. I don’t believe G-d brought us to this home to fail. Yet, it seems failing is what I am doing. So, it must be me. I am re-evaluating myself. It turns out I have a lot of work to do personally. I have to accept this and be honest and real with myself. That’s not always easy.

It goes back to the transmutation. The things that are troubling me must get transmuted into more powerful energies. For instance – boredom. So many of my troubles start when I’m feeling bored and restless…and don’t know what I can do. That boredom must be transmuted into productivity. What I mean is that when I get bored like that I’ll do something like game on my phone. I need to find more productive things to do first. No excuses. Like right this minute. The morning has been terribly slow. So instead of gaming I am doing the writing I haven’t been able to do.

I need today to be better than it is so far. However, on the other hand, The Ro jet is acting up. So maybe in The Grand Scheme it is for the best. I can appreciate Divinity’s gesture but it doesn’t fix my very obvious financial Crisis. So what does?

I’ve tried to take extra work which has ended up being replacement income. I have tried to branch out into old areas only to hit walls at every turn.

Thursday, June 15, 2023; 1817

It’s a few minutes later now. When I typed out the time, I realized I was past due for my Evening Devotion. Anyway, here we are once more.

I have been desperately trying to capture these days. But, then, it seems as though I am desperately trying to do everything these days. I am just not flowing, nor functioning, properly and I don’t know what the problem is. I have my thoughts and suspicions, but even if I would accept them, I still feel as though there is something more to it all.

The pressure really seems to be on right now. I got myself behind again and I am not getting back on track. I thought I was going to this week. I thought I was right on track. Then I realized that when I hurriedly put my week’s budget together I had forgotten two significant and important payments. That is when I learned that I was not on track, but, instead, behind – with no hope for catching that up this week. [Which will make some of the rest of my story telling rather…?odd?)

These [6 of the 13] days have been very intense across the board. My mind is spinning with all sorts of information and thoughts and investigations. There has been a strong emphasis on The Christ lately. As usual that has my head and my spirit spinning constantly. I don’t know why it is so important to me. I don’t know why I struggle with it.

I know what the World - in particular the Christian World – thinks and believes about Jesus and The Christ. I get it. I see it. I know what was written, the things that were said after his passing. Even some of the things he said. I get it.

The same can be said for the other belief that believing in The Christ [as our Lord and Saviour] seems to bring – The Devil. I am constantly [especially these days] researching this or verifying that. There are so many interesting things in the history of religion. But I don’t think this is the space for this.

So, I’m dealing with that.

I am dealing with the financial end of things. This has been a clusterfuck since the beginning of the year. Every time I think I can lick it [“oh yeah. In two weeks I’ll be able to have myself where I want to be”] things just go awry. I’d like to say that I am managing but I don’t know if I can actually say that anymore. Things have gotten bad. Worse than I would have ever allowed if I could have stopped it. Not only am I not keeping up but every so often I am set just a little further behind.

I can find many times when I could maybe be out making more money [though I can also find many when I was out trying and there was nothing to work with.] But that is where some of the torn comes in. I do need to make the money. It is what my focus is. But, at the same time, there is such a push in regards to The homestead – being there, connecting, tending, doing what I do. I just don’t know how I can do both and keep both where they need and deserve to be.

I have some stories but they may be better suited for the blog post this week.

Totems that have appeared in the last couple of days:

Flamingo [Again]

Rabbit

Chipmunk

Cardinal [big time]

Deer

Last night, The Princesses and I talked about life…if this big shift is something financial. It wasn’t just financial. But, I did explain to them that I can feel the shift. I told them about certain indicators that it is speeding up – the time is very soon. I told the, that I didn’t know if it was a financial shift or not, but that I wanted to talk about things in case it was. I wanted us to be on the same page. But I also told them to put some energy and positive thought into things for a little while.

I do have my thoughts and plans in regards to a major financial shift. I will write that out in Show Me the Money. Here, suffice it to say that I do understand that whatever the shift may be – especially financially – it is a blessing…but it is not a gift. It is not something I am being given just to have. It is something I am being given so that I can do more of Spirit’s work. There is an obligation attached to this – no matter what the shift may be.

This is an important note because I have been feeling very out of tune with Spirit. I haven’t been feeling connected or as if I am doing my works. I feel stuck and stagnant. I’m caught in a cycle and a rut – like a hamster on a wheel. And, just like that hamster, if I try to break the cycle – jump off the wheel – there is always some damage.

And, so, the quandary grows. I cannot get in tune with Spirit without [truly] a great deal of time to do so. The me I have been for 25 years – the me people seemed to appreciate – only existed because of my ability and time to connect and communicate with Spirit. I do my best, but like everything else in my life, usually I am just squeezing it in on the run – or forcing the moment…for just a moment. Even my Devotions and Rituals have become so scattered and frenzied. I still do them [almost] every day.

I know I need to eliminate a great deal of distraction from my life. My challenge is that the distractions begin when I am bored. I am always bored – because I am always stifled. A good example is a work day. I get bored sitting in The Rocket. I have very little I can work on in the car like that. I have been trying harder to do it when I can, but still it’s not always easy. Yesterday I took advantage of a slow morning and wrote the previous entry. I didn’t get as far I would have liked, but I did get a good deal written. Still, the day then rushed past and slipped away from me.

[“Déjà vu”…right this moment.]

Anyway…that is the case very often. You have seen examples of this in the past, Fellow Travelers. I try to write. I get one or two sentences in and then I am off and running and that is it for the day.

One might wonder if the writing is a necessary thing. Perhaps I should put it aside for a time – until things are better.

I don’t know how to do that. Everything that is WTML is deeply engrained in my beings. I think it. I live it. I breathe it. I see it in everything – every moment. So, even if I didn’t believe that it was part of my Divine Obligation, I would still have to do it for me.

It is how I purge. It’s where all the thoughts go so that new ones can grow.

It is a way to find understanding – not just of myself, but of The Universe around me. So often, I look back on posts and everything is right there in my face. But in the moment I would be so engrossed in the moment that I wouldn’t see what was right there.

It is how I find validation. For instance, today there has been a Theme of 555. Three times I saw it. [At least.] I just looked it up to glance at the meaning. The very first ‘headline’, big and blue in front of me, was, “Change is coming.” A further investigation, snippets from varied other sources, brings the conclusion that it is about ‘Transition, Freedom, Adventure’ [Deer=Gentle Alluring to New Adventure.] The message received was, “welcome any changes coming your way, but do not force them.”

This is not coincidence, Fellow Travelers. This is what is known as Synchronicity. Not only that I would see the number as a Theme today, but even more so, that I decided right now – as I write about changes on the horizon – I would look the meaning up. It is done so that I might share it with you, Fellow Travelers. (Perhaps someone needed to see this as well.)

Synchronicity.

I could write on and on and on, but then I am sure you know that. Nonetheless, the minutes they tick by so quickly and I do have other things to which I must attend.

One of my challenges right now is that every week I am working on three different writings – the weekly post, this, and Show Me the Money. They are all overlapped and interlaced, but each has its purpose. Each has its place. So, when I do write, I need to filter through and put the right words in the proper writing.

Soon, Fellow Travelers. Very, very soon.

Friday, June 16, 2023; 2130

I am very, very tired. So tired, in fact, that I could absolutely go to sleep. However, I wanted to take a moment and just make some notes. Totems rom the day – Butterfly, Dragonfly, Cardinal, Chipmunk, Groundhog*

It was a good day. A long day, but a good day. I was out of the house for 11 ½ hours. I only clocked just a bit over 7 ¼ working. This is one of the issues with my life. That’s a lot of extra, and unproductive, time. Not all of that was spent sitting idly. Some of that was driving back from drop-offs. Some of it was spent running a few errands. Still, it is a lot of scattered time.

But it was a good day. Today was the strongest day [financially] I have seen in the two years I have been doing this. It broke all the ‘records’ to date. Some of that came from The Two Sisters. I made a good amount through them today. The best part of that is that it is cash and that gives me something to play with. It allowed me to put money in The Special Fund, which is currently set to go towards the party [so that I can actually contribute something.] The remainder went to my pocket for my own personal spending. I’ve had thoughts on what I want to do with it. I just haven’t decided.

The Rocket is still acting up, but I think it may have toned it back just a wee bit.

I think that’s all I’ve got – thoughts and energy.

Sunday, June 18, 2023;0627

And just like that an entire day disappears.

Yesterday was the day I had to do the airport run. I got up in the morning and just set to doing things. I straightened up and got showered and what not. But, I also gave The Rocket a quick once over.

WALT: We don’t need to know such things.

Not that! I washed the car.

WALT: Well why didn’t you say so.

I wanted to wash the car for two reasons. One – because I wanted to do it for the rider. Two – because I want to keep up the momentum. I complained and whined for like two months that I couldn’t wash the car because I couldn’t afford the wash but I also didn’t have the stuff at home. I have the stuff at home now. So, I want to keep at it the best I can. I knew I wasn’t going to have much time in the morning before I had to leave so I took that time to do these things.

Then it was off to the airport. That is a long drive. I was very meditative though I cannot tell you what all I was channeling. Things that did come from it:

My friend and I had a few conversations revolving around The Meeting Place.

He wants to let it be known that I will taxi people to the airport and such.

He has a carpentry project he’d like to go over with me. [Make some use of the new workshop]

I also had the thought – before he asked about telling people I will taxi – that there was a reason G-d wanted me to know my way around that airport.

After that I stopped at a graduation party and then to get gas and feed a cat. It was a long day and I am still very wiped. I also finally took my soak last night. I needed that so bad. That was also the end of my day. I got out of the tub and went straight to bed.

I still have a lot of internal work to do. But I do think things are shifting and life will be a little better soon enough.

Tuesday, June 20, 2023; 2225

So, it is The Day Before. It is The Day Before the last of These 13 Days. It is also The Day Before The Solstice. I woke up feeling it too. I just didn’t know what the feeling was…until I looked at the calendar. Then it all made perfect sense. So, I just set out into my day.

It was a very different day than anything I would have imagined. But I have no doubt it was right. What exactly it was I do not know. I worked and I made some money. Just Enough to keep me out of ‘trouble’…for now. Then I ended up being sent on a mission. That’s the part I do not yet understand.

Whatever today was, the one thing I can say for certain is that I ‘saw’ me today. The me I once was. The me I have been striving to be. I felt it deep within my being. I felt it at a molecular level. I don’t know what that means. I cannot make a deal over it in any way shape or form. It was what it was. It just felt really nice.

I think I have finally purged a good deal of my darkness. It has been haunting me for a few weeks now. Today, I feel I was finally able to shine some light on it. Maybe. Nonetheless, I feel somewhat healed. I feel somewhat rejuvenated.

I think there are a variety of reasons for this. It’s not just limited to the energies of The Solstice nor the powers of These 13 Days. I think part of it is my level of productivity and activity these days. The Homestead is just about settled into place. This gives me more flexibility in the use of my time. Also, because things are in some sort of a place, it seems easier to tweak little projects here and there as I move through my days.

Also, I think having Cuddlebug’s party coming up has me feeling uplifted. It is a challenge and it is right up my alley. We have a lot to do and short time to make it work. Things like this always seem to happen for me at the last minute. It can seem stressful. But I like doing theses things one step at a time and watching them come together. It takes patience and focus and whole lotta faith.

I do not know what tomorrow brings. I do not know that I will actually get a chance to write. These next 5-6 days are already Once Upon Ago.