S4EP6: Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, April 24, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Discombobulated

Theme – Pieces

It’s how life works. It’s how I work – in bits and pieces. I saw it first in some of my current projects. I take the pieces I have and work with them the best I can – until I have new or different pieces. This is the case for everything – crafting, organizing, finances, my life as a whole. It’s almost a gift. Give me the pieces and I can put something together. Give me a task and I will eventually find the pieces. But I’ve noticed the same thing with life. G-d only seems to work in pieces. We are given little pieces to work with along the way. This is especially true with information. G-d only ever tells us the pieces of information we need in the moment. Never more. Never less. What we do with all these pieces, how we handle them and work with them, is entirely up to us.

Lesson – Accentuate the Positive

This can be very difficult when you feel like chaos is all around you. It’s very easy to see the negative and the limitations. I think where this stood out the most for me this past week was packing up the girls’ rooms. It has been very difficult for me. It makes everything so final. It makes it real that this time is over, and they are not coming back to The Nest. It is a reminder that I do not know when I will see them again. [G-d willing, it will be the end of June when I house sit.] However, it is also cause for celebration. As I pack up and rearrange, I am reminded of all the good and fun times we have had these past few months. We have memories to take forward with us. We have regained some of the strength of our relationships. We have healed [slightly.] We will see each other again and now we have more to build on. And, perhaps, all of this was just a vision of what our slight future can still hold.

Observation – I’m High Maintenance

Oh, how true is this? In fact, I am very high maintenance. It takes a lot for me to keep my balance and my Zen and a clear mind and positive attitude. I have found that I need a lot of down time. This is not so much unproductive time, but down time when I am not pushing to get things done or rushing to meet schedules. The ritual baths have been a big help in everything and I do not know what I am going to do when I can no longer take them. Now that I have rediscovered their power and potential I find that I crave them more often. I look forward to the experience and the rewards. For me, it is not about stuff. I don’t need fancy stuff, nor high quality, nor the biggest or best. I need time. I need time to meditate and Zen. I need time to take my baths. I need time to cook and bake [for these things bring me peace and Zen.] I’m not certain how to make all of that work, practically, at this point. But I am at least aware of it.

The Post

I had a very strange week. It was challenging and difficult, but not hard. It started with hope and positivity and ended in a funk. I managed to a few little things here and there, but if you looked at The Nest right now you wouldn’t think it.

Monday was excellent. Thanks to Brother John I was able to spend the day with The Princesses. They had come for Easter weekend. I got them early Saturday morning and I took them back on Monday afternoon. I did have to work a couple of hours Saturday night, but other than that, those days were ours. And we made the most of them.

First and foremost, we took care of Cuddlebug’s problem with seeing her boyfriend. Now that I had a vehicle and they were going to be here we were able to work it out that he could spend some hours with us. We didn’t do much that day – hung out, made some snacks, had dinner. However, the three kids did dye some eggs for Easter morning.

Easter morning I got up and made blueberry coffee because the girls like it. I also made some more banana bread. They had not gotten a chance to try it the last time I made it and they eat it more often than I do. So, I was looking to them for approval. I got it. I’m pretty sure that Cuddlebug ate almost half the loaf all by herself that morning. When I mentioned to Sunshine about making breakfast, Cuddlebug looked at me and said, “Oh. I thought the banana bread was breakfast. I’ve been eating at it all morning.”

After breakfast, we took a few moments to just chill and relax. Then the girls went for a walk so I could hide eggs around The Nest. This was a thought I had had over last week and was going to surprise them. however, when I asked them if they wanted to dye eggs Cuddlebug suddenly came back with, “You should do an indoor egg hunt for us.” So I did. They were funny too. I thought they were going to tackle each other trying to find the eggs. Like any good egg hunt we were still locating stragglers for hours. In fact, I found the last plastic egg the next morning.

I also set up some Easter treats for them. I got them each a small chocolate bunny. [$1 each.] I also got them each a small basket. I’m pretty sure they were made for like 6 year olds, but I wanted to get them something and these worked. Each one had a unicorn purse, a pack of fruit snacks and a pack of fun dip. It was last minute, Saturday morning at Wally World. It was these or the ones with little cars in them. Or, I could spend $20 a piece and get something nicer. I didn’t want to spend a lot but I wanted to have something for them and these were like six bucks a piece.

After the Easter festivities of the morning we all just kind of chilled out again. Soon it would be time to make Easter dinner – our honey-glazed ham, sugar snap peas, and butter garlic mashed potatoes. We waited just a bit after dinner before we busted out our Ben & Jerry’s collection and sat down to watch The Princess Bride. They love this movie. I know there is like a whole cult following to it. I think it’s cute. I enjoy it. I just could never be the huge fan that I know some people are. Nonetheless, I love that they love the movie. It was Saturday morning when Sunshine mentioned wanting to watch it again. I found this interesting because just that morning one of my memories on Facebook was me announcing that they were watching it for the first time.

Part way through the movie, once our stomachs had settled from dinner and ice cream, I started the hot chocolate. Though the girls had tried some of it with spices in before, they had not had any since I ‘found’ actual measurements for the spices. I also cut back a little on the marshmallows. I may trim those back a little bit more. And I think the general consensus was that I can cut back a little bit on the actual chocolate. We all love the hot chocolate but it is very, very rich and heavy. It is a lot to take. I love that we are slowly perfecting it and I love that we are all in to doing so.

Later that night, Sunshine had us start watching Hamilton. Now, I have been vehemently opposed to going anywhere near this show. I have my issues with it and those will never change. However, having now seen it – as a theatre person – I get all the buzz. From a production standpoint it is a fabulous show. The music was good. The choreography was phenomenal. And the costumes and sets were beautiful. I get it. [This doesn’t change my feelings on certain things.] I called it this generation’s Les Miserables.

Monday morning we watched more of Hamilton. I made some egg sandwiches and then we packed them up [everything had to go this time] and headed to the mall. Over the weekend, Sunshine had finished the book she was reading and desperately wanted the next one in the series. So, I told them that we would go to the mall and I would buy the book for Sunshine and something small and comparable for Cuddlebug. I told them that this way I will have gotten them at least a little something for Easter. Cuddlebug spent most of the morning whining that she didn’t ‘feel’ like going to the mall. She didn’t ‘feel’ like walking around. Well, let me tell you, once we were out of the bookstore that girl was a maniac darting from store to store. I eventually had to tell her to find something so I could take them home and get John’s car back to him.

So, let me tell you, Fellow Travelers, if a teenage girl ever tells you that she doesn’t feel like going to the mall…she’s lying.

I started to feel pain at the mall. My legs were sore and my body was feeling all twisted up. I accredit this to a couple of things. First, when those girls are here, I rest very little. We have such a short time together and we try to squeeze as much as we can into that time. On top of that, I have all the daily things to deal with – cooking meals, cleaning up, etc. So I am constantly on the go. Plus, I usually have to work at The Theatre. That always hurts my body. But I also think it was partially due to a great release of stress. [At least that is what I thought on Monday. Today I am not so sure.]

It was sad to see the girls go. This was the last time I am going to be able to have them at The Nest. So, it wasn’t just a goodbye. They had to take all of their stuff. [Anything they left behind is going to The Cave for storage.]

Tuesday and Wednesday were strange days. I just felt so off kilter. I couldn’t motivate nor focus. Again, I managed to fiddle my way through this or that but, by and large, I did very little. I managed some more painting on the new staff. I slowly [very slowly] started to pack up the rest of the girls’ things and to move myself into the small bedroom. This has proven to be a difficult thing. It makes it all seem so final. I know I’ll see them again. It just won’t be here. Nor will it be anytime very soon. So I worked at it knowing that it needed to get done by this Friday. But I didn’t rush nor push through any of it because part of me is trying to delay it.

My body kept aching off and on through both days. I really don’t know why. I just felt worn, almost beaten and broken. I just felt like I needed to rest after weeks of stress and worry.

Thursday, I went to help Brother John with some tasks and made a little bit of money. I’m actually going back this week to finish up a little bit. Friday I did a little bit of this and a little bit of that but for the most part I reserved my strength for work. I knew it was going to be a hard weekend. It was. Even after a brief nap and 2 muscle relaxers my body is still aching.

That was the physical part of my week. Mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I have been all over the place this week. Needless to say, my spirits were high on Monday as I spent time with The Princesses. I was also still kind of reeling from the news that I am going to receive a total of $1000 towards my vehicle issue. This would be on top of the other $500 that has been promised but we are waiting until I actually have a vehicle in sight before we do the transaction.

This very generous contribution may very well put my vehicle issues to rest. There are vehicles out there in this price range. People have sent me several links. It is just a matter of finding the vehicle and having the money all at the same time. Now I do not know exactly when I will receive all of that money. It may all come before the end of this month or it may come half this month and half next. It’s basically a waiting game at this point.

I spent time missing the girls but also celebrating the time we have had together. Even ‘the moments’ such as my fight with Sunshine or the fight between Sunshine and Cuddlebug or even the admission that Sunshine feels like her mother doesn’t like her. I don’t think that is good but I think it is good that her feelings finally came out in the open. Of course, I met her concerns with the reassurance that her mother does like her she just has difficulty express herself properly. I also told both girls that I think they are beautiful, charming, intelligent, splendid beings and that neither of them should ever let anyone – not even their mother – make them feel like they are second best. Needless to say, I don’t like the ‘bad’ moments themselves. But each one has led to a certain degree of growth and/or healing for one or more of us. That is worth celebrating.

A couple of things have been thrown onto the table this week. Two little Divine ‘Easter Eggs’ hidden in my life. At this point they are merely notions – possibilities, potentials. There is nothing concrete about them. Practically speaking, at this juncture, they are nothing more than mere whimsy. But they so closely match other pieces already on the board that one does have to wonder if they actually fit in the puzzle somewhere. I don’t really want to get into them at this point, Fellow Travelers. First, because they are so whimsical it seems foolish to invest too much time discussing them. But, also, because there does seem to be a connection with them I do not want to dissipate whatever energy is already behind them.

Both things have brought me such struggle through the week. Because they resonate with me and do so closely match certain pieces of my current life puzzle, I feel like I should spend some time visualizing them. But since they are also very out of my reach at the moment I do not want to get too caught up in such activities. I must find the fine balance someplace In Between.

The Theatre also brought me much internal struggle this week. I went back last June to help with a project which turned into helping to build a set. That turned into helping to run the deck for a show. Of course, that eventually became doing dishes. All of this was just to ‘help.’ They had no one else to do it so I figured I could step in until they found someone. Never would I have dreamed that I would still be there almost a year later. In fact, after this next show – which I am staying for – I will be there a year.

I’ve wanted to get out for so long now but I have always found a reason to stay. When I first started doing dishes it was because they raised my pay rate to something closer to what I was making driving. I figured then it would be one show. However, the next show after that was the Christmas run. They hadn’t actually found anyone yet but it wouldn’t have mattered if they had. That show is the busiest one of the year and, quite frankly, they need experience and strength in the dish room for it.

As we neared the end of that run and they still hadn’t found a dishwasher I figured they wouldn’t find one for this current show. It’s hard to hire someone new when you can only offer them about 12 hours a week. Plus, I was going to be living in The Nest. It wouldn’t have seemed right to me to leave The Theatre while living in the apartment that they pay for. This is actually the same reason I am staying for the next show.

Truthfully, I had already decided to stay for the next show before staying at The Nest was put on the table. I figured it would buy them a little more time to find someone to officially take the position. Plus, before the end of this run the girls will be out of school for the summer and at that point I can see them on weekdays – which are better for taking off from driving. That would mean, though, that I couldn’t take off driving on the weekends to be at The Theatre. [Of course, right now, driving isn’t much of a concern, is it?]

Actually, it is becoming a concern. I haven’t driven for several weeks now. I am starting to get notifications from both apps. I fear if I do not get back on the road soon that they will both remove me from the roster. That would mean having to start all over again – assuming they have positions available when I get a vehicle. I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to this. Driving had been the best thing that has happened to me in some time. I was happy and abundant and hopeful. I can be any one of these things at any given time. I can’t tell you the last time I was all three at once. I can think of only one thing for which I would be willing to give up driving full time. [Unfortunately, I can’t mention it currently.]

So, I struggle with The Theatre.

Everything Happens for a Reason – Precise and Perfectly Placed. Things have fallen into place in such a way that it is obvious Spirit wants me at The Theatre [at least a little bit longer.] I don’t know why. I can’t even imagine why. The truth is it does very little for me. [Not counting The Nest because that is temporary.] They can give me the hourly rate I need, nor can they give me the hours. So, I can’t really make a living there. I would have to find something else to supplement.

The problem with this is the hours The Theatre runs. They are odd hours during the week, making it difficult to find something to work around them. And weekend hours would be when most other jobs I could find would want me to work. Truth is, the hours not only make it difficult to find other work but they also make it difficult to plan and do things. So, I can’t make a life working there.

The work itself isn’t particularly hard or challenging. It works my body a bit but it’s not terrible. The truth is it is very mundane. Systems and Routines Save the World. I have been at this for some time, and I have developed a system and routine that works. No matter how chaotic things get during dinner service I am always in control of my area. I run the exact same pattern every shift and it keeps me on top of things. It’s all quite mindless really.

They have talked repeatedly about moving and expanding but the truth is they are very far from that choice presently. So, there is no way for me to grow and expand in my position. As we know from previous experience, Fellow Travelers, that never works for me.

On top of all that there is just something about it that seems to drain my soul. I wasn’t really sure of that until today. Every weekend I have noticed that I go in on a Friday feeling ok but by the end of the show runs I am just done and needing to get out of there. Today was the worst. I just look forward to getting done and having a whole week before needing to deal with it all again. I don’t know what it is.

They’re all good people. They really are. They are good to me, and they are very good to The Princesses. I like them all. I don’t hate the work. But something about it just doesn’t make me feel good. Truth is, if you gave me the choice of staying there or having to live at the Rescue Mission…I would take the mission.

I’m not entirely sure what my week ahead holds. Tomorrow and Tuesday I believe I am taking for me. I need to recuperate from the weekend plus I do have tings that need to start getting done before next weekend. Wednesday, I plan on going to the college and Thursday I am hoping to get to Brother John’s to finish. Of course, that takes whole different bus plan and I’m not sure I quite understand it yet. Friday Spooky Queen is going to help me move some stuff back to The Cave. Then there is a brief safety meeting and then I am off to The Theatre. By this time next week, I will have one of two new roommates and I just don’t know how any of this is going to go.

Overall, I do not quite know how I am feeling. I know things aren’t bad, but they aren’t quite good yet. I know I have some time before things find resolution, but I also feel like I need it to come to an end sooner rather than later. I am tired and worn and becoming frustrated, bordering on angry. Today I could have just given up. It’s not just what is happening now. It is this repeated pattern of working to build something up and then watching it get ripped away.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a journey and it takes everyone to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Bee – Fertility and the Honey of Life

Symbols for accomplishing the impossible. Examine your own productivity. Are you doing all you can to make your life more fertile? Are you busy enough? Are you taking the time to savor the honey of your endeavors or are you being a workaholic? Are you attempting to do too much? Are you keeping your desires in check so they can be more productive? Are you taking time to enjoy the labors and activities you involve yourself in? No matter how great the dream there is promise of fulfillment if we pursue it.

Mouse - Attention to Detail.

It is either time to pay attention to details, or an indication that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You may be getting so locked into details that you forget the big picture. Are you taking care of the trivial, yet necessary, things of life? Are you getting so lost in big dreams that you are neglecting other aspects of your life? Are you becoming so focused on one or two activities that you are neglecting other opportunities? Are you missing what is right in front of you? Is there something obvious that you are missing or need to focus on? Are you trying to do too many things at once and therefore scattering your energies? Mouse can show how to pay attention to detail; how to attain the big things by working on the little things. Lessons associated with attention.

Ladybug - (worldbirds.org)

The main meaning of ladybugs centers around good fortune, true love, innocence, needing to make the right choices in life, happy resolutions, etc. So what does it mean to see a ladybug?

When you encounter the ladybug spirit animal at any point, you can be sure that positive transformations are on the way.

You can trust this humble creature to brighten even the gloomiest of days and brighten your outlook on life should you come across it. The symbolism represents the time of the fruition of your dreams and wishes.

Understanding the symbolism meaning helps you understand how reaching newer heights and higher goals are possible. In due course, with the right approach and positive changes, your efforts and desires will come to pass if you follow the true preaching of the ladybug symbolism.

What do ladybugs mean when they cross paths with you or visit your homes? You could take it as a sign to halt a bit in life, perhaps, if you have been going too fast to achieve your dreams.

Sometimes, we need not to try overly hard but wait in faith for things to come around. Sometimes, there is success in being patient and the ladybug cautions to be just that. In time, your worries will dissipate and new happiness will set in.