S5EP2: A Time to Gain, A Time to Lose

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, May 8, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Awkward

Theme – Let it Happen

As adults we think we should be able to push, force, or make things happen. If it doesn’t happen, then we didn’t try hard enough or do enough. I can remember once, after prison. When I was told I had to get a ‘job’ or get out. I was struggling to find one. I had put in applications, and I was getting no response. At the bar one night, a gentleman told me that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I needed to just walk into a place and insist/demand that they hire me. I did eventually do this. I knew the manager from being in every day. First thing on this, is that she could only give me 16-20 hours (or two and a half days) per week. I took it because it would get people off my back. Plus, I had enough other stuff going on at the time – retail merchandising, videos, etc. that I could supplement. In the end, it only lasted about five months. Several managers later, my schedule of ‘other things’ was no longer acceptable and the district manager stopped putting me on the schedule altogether. I forced it into being and it was a band-aid, not a solution. This week it came in a slightly different manner. Obviously, I have been trying to force my life back into place. I have been pushing and trying to get the funds and find a vehicle. So there are many examples I could give of Let it Happen. The most potent for me came on Friday. I finally have enough funds to get something. Based on my experience so far, it won’t be anything great, but something is better than nothing. Anyway, I had come upon a posting that seemed promising. I sent a message and got a response that asked me to send an email for more pictures and details. So, I did. So far, a very smooth process. The woman responded, telling me that her husband had passed two months ago and that was why she was getting rid of the vehicle. She also mentioned that she had moved back to her hometown. If I was interested, I should email her again. Of course, I sat down and started to email her, including such question as – if she was out of the area where was the car? And who was handling the sale. Every time I started the email it would suddenly disappear and I would find it in the archives. I do not know what I was pressing to make that happen. It just kept happening – over and over again. I think about five times in total. I heard The Voice whisper that I should just let it go and move on, but I felt if I did that I wasn’t doing enough. Nonetheless, I did eventually get it sent out and did receive a response. The ‘woman’ said she was using eBay to handle the sale. I would pay eBay and the car would be delivered to me. She, of course, wouldn’t get paid until I have had the car for 5 days to test drive it. Is it me, or does anyone else hear the word ‘Scammer’ in your head? Guess I should have just let it go.

Lesson – Ask & It Is Given

One would think, after all these years, that I wouldn’t need this as a Lesson. I have been famous for citing it. So much, in fact, that once Encyclopedia accused me of being “preachy.” Cuddlebug heard it so often growing up that, when she was younger, she even said it from time to time when something was ‘given.’ But, I suppose, we all need reminders every now and then. We are not infallible. This week’s Lesson actually came by way of a story from Brother John. He was showing me his son’s play tractor. I had been looking at it earlier. It was all hooked up with the trailer, which had obviously been filled with dirt of some sort and still had the shovel. I had commented that the boy had apparently been doing some yard work. Brother John confirmed this and said, “How the Lord works in mysterious ways.” He continued on, telling me the story of the tractor and the wagon. They had been the tractor [for free] by someone at their church. The boy wasted no time in saying that he wanted a wago nfor it. Of course, being a dad, Brother John set to looking into it and learned that no one actually carried them in stock. The cart needed to be ordered and it started at $50 just to order. He said, the next day, they had gone for ice cream [I think.] On the way home he did not follow his usual route. As he drove, he passed a yard and at the front of it there was parked an identical tractor…with a wagon. There were kids playing in the yard, but, still, he turned the car around and went back to look. Sure enough, there was a ‘Free’ sign on the tractor. After chatting with the owner’s he learned that both had been given to them and they had to decided to pay it forward by offering them for free to someone else. Needless to say, he snagged up that wagon right quick.

Observation – The Eyes [Mind] of a Child

This Observation is a continuation of the previous story. These stories always inspire me. I love when things work out in such mystical ways. After I was home, I thought on the whole thing. The boy asked and the boy received. He received in a day. Now, granted, it doesn’t always work quite so fast. Sometimes, depending on the request, it just can’t. But, in this case, it did. “Why,” I wondered. Then it dawned on me. The boy asked. He did not beg. He did not cry, nor whine. He did not pester, nor nag. He simply asked and let it go at that. For him, in his mind, it was just that simple. He asked and there was nothing more to do. And, that is the reality of it. We truly only need to ask once. More than that and we are exhibiting a lack of Faith. When we ask a second, third time [or more – as I have,] we are telling G-d that we do not believe that he has heard us. Or, worse, we do not believe that he is answering us. But, it is easy to fall into that asking trap as an adult. Our egos have developed beyond our own comprehension. We believe that things must happen in certain ways or in a certain timeframe. For a child, the way doesn’t matter. It simply happens. For a child, time is not a concept. Tomorrow is just as far away as next week and yesterday is as plain as a year ago.

The Post

Let’s see if I can do this week any justice. I really should start taking notes on a daily basis again. I have been struggling – more than I should be. I have managed to work myself into an almost dangerous depression. I have definitely fallen into the aforementioned trap. In my mind, this whole ordeal should have been resolved a week ago. It should have never been the challenge it has been – filled with such disheartening delays.

I’m not certain where I left things from last Sunday. I know I told you, Fellow Travelers, that actress number 1 left The Nest that night. Number 2 said she was going to go chill in her room for a bit. I had told her that I was going to make some hot chocolate later on, which I did, but I never saw her again that night.

I did not sleep good at all on Sunday. I think most of it was caused by my body still responding to the broken tooth. My heart rate was up and my breathing was down. I was restless. I would sleep some and then be awake and then sleep and then wake. It was on and off like this all night until about 0300. And I was up for the day, officially, at 0500. Honestly, there were moments I thought I was meeting my end. That is how hard my heart was pounding and how shallow my breathing had become.

I think, too, part of it was caused by Number 1 leaving. I felt bad. I felt terrible, in fact. I did speak with her on Monday – offering to open windows [which hasn’t happened much with the colder temperatures of late] and promising not to burn anything more – but, she insistd she was going to continue staying with her family.

Some of my awkwardness on Sunday night may have simply been the fact that I was sleeping in a bedroom. I haven’t had a bedroom in about 14 years. I did come to appreciate it, but it was still very weird to have this whole space that was mine alone, to which I could disappear.

And, finally, I think I worried a lot about Number 2. I had told her that the living space was hers. I had everything I needed to survive, except for kitchen and bath, in my bedroom. I was perfectly content to stay in there and let her have the rest of The Nest. Still, here she was, a girl not even graduated from college yet living alone with…well…me. I would learn later that my concerns were not unwarranted. Apparently, she had contacted Lil Boss some time on Sunday night and had ’complained’ that she had, “not expected to be living with a middle-aged man.”

I really hadn’t seen her much on Sunday night. We all ate pizza together. Number 1 left and Number 2 went to her room. I did hear her moving up and down the stairs a few times in the night, but I didn’t actually see her again until the next morning – except for once at 0100 when I couldn’t take my restlessness any longer. I was coming out of my room and she was disappearing into hers.

On Monday morning, I got up and did my thing. I grabbed a shower as early as I could so that I was out of her way when she woke. I made coffee and breakfast. Now, rehearsal was supposed to start at 1000, as was my build. I waited until 0900 and when I hadn’t seen nor heard her moving about, I knocked on her door and let her know the time and that it was a 20-30 minute walk to The Theatre. I told her that there was fresh coffee on and French toast was waiting for her on the kitchen island. Now, she did a rideshare to go to The Theatre and I walked. She did offer for me to ride with her but I have actually come to enjoy and appreciate that walk. Every time, I find something new to interest and inspire me.

I was home about an hour before her on Monday night. I heated some quick dinner and disappeared into my room. Once again, I would not see her for the whole night. Tuesday was a lot of the same. I was starting earlier than rehearsal itself, so I was up and on my way out the door just as she was getting up for rehearsal. At the end of the day, she left before I did, but I was home before she. Once again, I made a quick dinner and shuffled off to my room with it.

Wednesday was my ‘me’ day. This was not about just chilling out or being off. It was my day for doing laundry, cleaning The Nest, and place a grocery order. I was in the kitchen eating breakfast when she came out of the bathroom to head to rehearsal. I made sure that at the end of the day I was all fed and locked up in my room before she came home. When she did return I heard a second voice with her. There was a lot of chatting and even more commotion. It didn’t take me long to figure out what was happening, and those thoughts would be confirmed shortly thereafter by Lil Boss. I received a text letting me know that Number 2 was going to stay with one of the other [local] actresses so that they could rehearse together. After she was gone, I found a bag full of refrigerated products sitting on one of the chairs and discovered that she had left some stuff in one of the dresser drawers. [Yes, I went and checked. I’m a dad. Following up is what we do.] She has yet to return for anything. The drawer has been left untouched and the items are being kept cool. Perhaps she plans on returning to The Nest after the show opens. I do not know. For now, I am taking advantage of [and enjoying] the time I have to myself once more.

Let’s step back a moment. Monday was a rough day. So many factors contributed to this. First, there was the lack of sleep. Then, of course, my body was still responding to the broken tooth. Add into all of that the fact that it was The Day After Beltane. I was extremely cloudy-headed and not quite balanced. On top of all of that, I had made myself available as Lil Boss had a minor breakdown. Things have been very stressed at The Theatre lately. I see it as only getting worse each week. Unfortunately, only one of the two owners seems to be aware. Lil Boss takes on a lot at The Theatre and even more away from it. On Monday, it all caught up with her and she had a minor break. I realized that that was exactly why I needed to be there that day.

Tuesday I was a little bit more back in the game. I corrected my errors from Monday and banged out the rest of the frame. I even managed to get some of it up on the stage. But that was where my time ended.

I felt good on Wednesday. I always feel good when I take care of home things. It’s not only productive but relaxing. Of course, after I learned I was alon in The Nest once more, I returned to life as it had been. I have been out on the living room futon ever since. It is just easier. I can go until I sleep and I can start as soon as I wake. There is no moment in between. No pause. No hesitation.

Thursday, I was off to Brother John’s for some work. Thursday was a strange day. A day full of in-betweens and back and forth. I had a series of three strange dreams on Thursday night. But, speaking of dreams…I had had one last week that I forgot to mention. I only bring it up now because it had an affect on me Thursday.

Last week, I had dreamed of The Anomaly. Strange, I know. Truth is, I haven’t really thought of her much since her brother left The Theatre. I figured there was slim to no chance of ever encountering her again. I had pushed her out of my mind. [And that is saying something considering thoughts of her followed me all the way to New Orleans last year.]

It wasn’t just any dream either. It’s not like she was just in it. Oh no. We had a whole conversation in that dream [though I couldn’t tell you about what.] And, at the end of it, we kissed. That is the part that had me messed up. That is what messed with my head. I was so angry the day after. Angry at my mind. What could have been so important of a message that my mind felt the need to use her..and that…as imagery?

So how did this play on me on Thursday? Well, I finally decided to listen to one of the playlists I had made about her. I listened to the second one first. This was the real one. This was the one that had all the truth…and all of the pain. I forgot just how much my soul could hurt. It wasn’t just thoughts of her that hurt me so deeply. But, just like three years ago, thinking of her made me think of all of my failures, all of my short-comings, all of the things I have fucked up along the way.

That was the rough part of my day. The rest of the day was quite nice. I was helping to clean up and organize Brother John’s garage. I so enjoy that kind of work. It’s challenging and fun. I get into it and a few hours can go by so quickly. Plus, it was outdoors and I always enjoy that. Especially at this time of year because I can go barefoot.

I didn’t get it finished but Brother John was pleased with what I had gotten done. “I don’t know how you do it,” he said. Honestly, I don’t either.

I think it’s because it is all pieces. I work in pieces. You take all the pieces out and organize them into groups – much like doing a jigsaw puzzle. Then you slowly tweak them into place until all the pieces fit. It’s just what I do.

Anyway, Thursday came to an end.

Friday was a terrible day and yesterday was even worse. I was a complete mess. Emotionally I was broken. Mentally I was clouded and confused. I couldn’t focus on anything at all. Physically, I was going through so much. I was tired throughout both days. I can’t even tell you how many times I had to just lay down and sleep. I had headaches and ringing ears. My third eye and crown chakras were burning and buzzing as well as the chakras in the bridge of my nose. At one point I could even feel my heartbeat in the bridge of my nose.

And spiritually, I was simply defeated.

I am just so over-stressed and worn out. The vehicle hunt has been much more challenging than I ever imagined. It was difficult enough to put some money together. I had some in the beginning but couldn’t get financing. So, I dipped into that money. I have managed through the grace of a couple of very generous people to get it back up to a total of $1,500 available to spend on a vehicle [and all things related.] So far, it has proven to be impossible to find anything at that price. Everything either need a lot of work [or a motor,] or turns out to be some sort of complete scam. In fact, I am dealing with someone currently and that seems to be headed down the scam path. We will see.

I had hoped to have this vehicle thing resolved this week. My main motivation for this was Sunshine. She joined the school’s softball teams this year. This is something I had been encouraging her to do. Of course, it took her friend to convince her, but I really though this would be good for her. Anyway, her last game is this coming Thursday and I have not been able to see her play once. It makes me sad. She told me it was ok and that she understood but it still makes me very sad.

But, it’s not just about the vehicle. I need a place to live – especially if I cannot find a vehicle. I was not supposed to be in The Nest this long and, in usual fashion, I am starting to overstay my welcome.

I need to figure out something about a job and income. I don’t know where to start. I have been holding out to return to delivery driving but the longer I am not driving the more chance they will remove me from the roster. I have The Theatre but I am not happy there and I cannot see myself continuing on any longer than the show that is about to open. Honestly, I haven’t wanted to be there as long as I have been. It just keeps happening that way. I would say that it seems it is where G-d wants me, but quite frankly, I don’t care. It’s not what I want. Just writing about the possibility of continuing on there much longer makes my whole being so tense and anxious. [My heart is pounding right this moment.]

This is what twists and turns through my head on a daily basis. It has been doing so since all of this began. In the beginning it was much easier to deal with – there was time and hope, potential and possibility. But the longer this drags out, the more paths I travel down and the more walls I hit, the harder it becomes to keep myself up. Still, despite the recurring frustrations and depressions, every night as I put myself to bed, I tell myself tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow it will be different. I will be different.

I will do the same tonight. I will brush myself off and lay myself down so that tomorrow I can pick myself up and start all over again.

Let’s talk about dreams for a moment. As I said, there were a few on Thursday night. Each was very odd.

In the first, I was talking with someone. I do not know what I was saying. I don’t know if I knew then. There are whispers in my head of me saying, “so you would rather let me continue to be a laughing stock to my friends and family?” But, it is possible that was from another dream a couple of nights later. Nonetheless, a few odd things about that dream. First, I was wearing a Spider-man mask. I said it. I don’t know why I was wearing a spiderman mask. Much like The Anomaly, I have not had a Spiderman thought in quite some time, so I cannot imagine why my mind chooses such imagery. As strange as it may sound, I believe the person I was speaking with was me. Logically it makes no sense, but I swear it was my face on that body. Behind this physical being there was another, a spiritual being. The spiritual being was standing behind the physical form with its arms placed within the physical, almost as if it was working the body like a puppet. They had the same face – the physical and the spiritual. After I had said whatever I said in the dream the physical body spoke. “Use me,” it said. The spiritual form said, “Use him,” and then entered the physical body. That is when I awoke. I’m pretty sure my reaction was, “Wtf was that?”

In the second dream I was having an argument with my ex-brother-in-law. Again, I do not understand. This is a man that I have had absolutely no use for since the day I met him. I don’t give him any thought, ever, because he was that insignificant to my life. He was one of the few, and rare, people whose presence makes my skin crawl. I don’t like him, and I never did. I’m pretty sure I this is exactly what I was telling him in the dream. But, why? What is my consciousness trying to convey to me?

In the third dream, I was in a home of some sort. I believe it was my home. The Princesses were there and there was a kitten. It was running and scurrying all about. We all found it amusing. But I was commenting on there being a kitten in my home. Then there was a second cat. Then a third. And a fourth. I’m pretty sure we got up to five. But…why? Though my daughters both love cats, a cat certainly would not be my first choice for a pet.

What am I not getting?

So, that is my week in as much as I can recall it. The week ahead seems fairly plain and ordinary from where I stand now. Tomorrow I have a few leads to follow and I will probably perform most of my house work duties – laundry, cleaning, grocery order. I also need to get a ritual bath something terrible. I have been wanting to do that since Friday but I just have not been able to muster up the energy to put myself through it.

Tuesday and Wednesday I hope to get to The College. I had wanted to go there this past Friday but I was in no shape to go anywhere. [Sometimes, I think it is the weather that causes me such discomfort.] Thursday, I plan on another day at Brother John’s. The there is preview night at The Theatre. I think, technically, I am supposed to go. But, I think, actually, I couldn’t care less. Then, Friday, we start back up with dinner service.

I have had many moments of close calls this week. Moments when I was ready for drastic, and perhaps foolish measures. I have had to talk myself out of packing a bag and walking down to The recue Mission more than once. I want to keep my head up high this week. Friday is the first of 3 markers I was given within the past few weeks. This Friday, then June 3rd, and finally August 26.

I just gotta keep on keeping on.

But, for now, I am done, Fellow Travelers. I have literally been at this all day [off and on.] I think it’s time for bed.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Flamingo [spirit-animals.com]– Flamingo symbolism is reminding you to get in touch with your emotions. It is a good idea to allow yourself to feel so that you can process your feelings. Furthermore, this spirit animal will enable you to grow through releasing issues. In other words, if you bottle things up, you will find yourself reacting rather than acting appropriately. Therefore, the Flamingo meaning dictates that you must allow yourself to release your feelings so that you can come into balance again. Alternatively, like the Prairie Dog, Flamingo symbolism may be letting you know that it is time for you to get out and socialize. Therefore it is time to have some fun in your life. Moreover, socializing will help let go of stressful situations and coming to terms with changes in your life. Correspondingly, this bird also brings new ideas and options that will come to you while immersing yourself in the company of others. It will also allow you to find balance and gratitude for what you have. It will give you a greater appreciation of those around you. Conversely, Flamingo symbolism may be pointing out that you are blending in a bit too well right now. In other words, you need to allow yourself to be different and to think for yourself. Thus, the Flamingo meaning prompts you to maintain your individuality within the crowds.

Turtle - Motherhood, Longevity, Awakening to Opportunities

Help unite Heaven and Earth within your own life. Fairy connections. ‘Keeper of The Doors.’ Symbol of the Primal Mother. Long life and grounded was within life. Can teach new perceptions about time ad our relationship with it. The mystery of awakening the senses - physically and spiritually. Stimulates hearing/Clairaudience; Help with vision/Clairvoyance; Develop sense of smell and higher discrimination. Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should? Are you or those around you not using discrimination? A reminder to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets tipsy-curvy. Sometimes Turtle shows up as a totem to help during these times. A reminder to pay attention or you will miss opportunities. A symbol of Mother Earth and that she provides all our needs. Turtle can slow us down to help us see our opportunities. Is our life becoming too hectic? Are we not taking time for ourselves? Are we so busy that we can’t really see what is going on? Are we going too slow and need to pick up the pace a little? Also study Raccoon. Vitamin D/Diet. Link between water and land. Water is the creative source that we can draw on and live in, but we must also come out of it and apply that creativity within the physical world - the land. Also hints at needing to think things through before you act on them. It is time to get connected to your own primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recognize that there is abundance out there for you. It doesn’t have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, Too soon, can upset the balance. Reminds us that all we need for all we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time. Reminds us that the way to Heaven is through the Earth.

Skunk - Sensuality, Respect, and Self-Esteem

Teaches how to give respect, expect respect, and demand respect. It helps you to recognize your own qualities and assert them. Can teach you how to be more self-assured and how to assert yourself. The owl should be studied as it is a contrary medicine. Teach us how to get more attention without being arrogant and irritating. Sometimes it shows up to help us deal with those people in our life who are outrageously irritating. The sense of smell has ties to sensuality and sexuality. The use of fragrances will elicit dynamic responses in those associated with. Can usually expect to experience stronger sexual responses to others and in their response to you. A greater ability to attract people will begin to unfold. Cycles. Must learn to balance the ability to draw and repel people. There is a natural cycle. Solitary animal. There are times best for drawing people and there are times to avoid people. Indication of the active flow of the Kundalini or life force (ties to the sexual energies and the life force active in every aspect of the life process.) Kundalini is usually already active. Time to amplify and teach the use and control of this life force more effectively. The ability to be able to turn on and off the creative force and direct it along several lines. Good for those people with this totem not to blow their own horn. Sit back and let others do the noticing for you. Teach you when it is best to be noticed and how o go about it most effectively. Going to have opportunities to bring out new respect and self-esteem. Lessons and times associated with increased sensuality physically, sexually, psychically, and spiritually. Examine your self-image. People are going to notice you. How they notice and remember can be controlled by you.

Cat – Mystery, Magic, and Independence

Goddess Bast, Goddess Freyja, Goddess Shasthi. Study Mouse and Dog as well.

Ladybug - (worldbirds.org)

The main meaning of ladybugs centers around good fortune, true love, innocence, needing to make the right choices in life, happy resolutions, etc. So what does it mean to see a ladybug?

When you encounter the ladybug spirit animal at any point, you can be sure that positive transformations are on the way.

You can trust this humble creature to brighten even the gloomiest of days and brighten your outlook on life should you come across it. The symbolism represents the time of the fruition of your dreams and wishes.

Understanding the symbolism meaning helps you understand how reaching newer heights and higher goals are possible. In due course, with the right approach and positive changes, your efforts and desires will come to pass if you follow the true preaching of the ladybug symbolism.

What do ladybugs mean when they cross paths with you or visit your homes? You could take it as a sign to halt a bit in life, perhaps, if you have been going too fast to achieve your dreams.

Sometimes, we need not to try overly hard but wait in faith for things to come around. Sometimes, there is success in being patient and the ladybug cautions to be just that. In time, your worries will dissipate and new happiness will set in.