S5EP3: Diurnus

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, May 15, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Quickening

Theme – Be Open

Be open to possibility and potential. Be open to messages – both the good and the bad. Be open to the notion that, no matter what is happening, it is all for the best.

Lesson – Through Extremes We Find Balance

I do not know how to put a definition to this. It seems obvious to me. We can not truly understand wellness until we have suffered. We cannot know balance until we have had unbalance. It is like the Mage once said to me, “We cannot truly know the Light until we have walked through the Darkness.”

Observation – I Over-extend Myself

So true, so true. In my struggle to achieve I always seem to find myself in a place where I have taken on too much. I strive to do better and chase down every avenue available to me – Odd jobs, The Theatre, The College, and more. I make these commitments, thinking I can handle and manage all of them. One of two things ends up happening. I may accomplish everything I set out to do [perhaps not in the same time frame or the same manner] but I then find myself burnt out and useless. Or, I burn out first and cannot complete keep my obligations. This all points back to the very first Lesson I received on my path – Do Less, have More. I have been trying to master this ever since.

In my efforts to be more, have more, do more I have a tendency to take on a lot of different tasks and obligations. These can range from crafting items to miscellaneous jobs to any number of things. This has been a repeated pattern for years. This results, generally, one of two things – either I manage and accomplish all of those things, hence burning myself out, or I drop the ball on almost all of them. In either case, I accomplish very little. This was something that I liked about the Delivery Driving. I was doing more for myself. I was doing more than I had in a very long time and it did not require me to over-extend myself. [Do Less, Have More.] I need to learn balance. It is not that I should not take these things on. Instead, I must take them on with consideration to all of my limitations and constraints.

The Post

I’m going to let the week speak for itself…

Monday, May 9, 2022; 1755

It has been another lost - or waste of a – day. Once again, I went to bed last night with the intention of waking up and having a strong and productive day. I have not. Quite the opposite really. I wish I knew what is wrong with me. [‘Wish’ might be a dangerous term.]

I woke up with my morning devotion alarm. That has been the case recently. I think, if I didn’t have an alarm or things I thought I needed to do, I would just sleep all the time. It is the closest thing to peace and harmony I can find lately. More often than not, it’s not even a choice. This morning for example. I wasn’t up and about very long and suddenly I just had to lay down again. I just needed to sleep. And I slept longer than usual when I take those little shutdowns. I’m pretty sure it was something like two hours. Even then I had to force myself to get up and try to function.

It is the functioning that I haven’t been doing so good with of late. I mean to, I try to, but it just doesn’t seem to happen. I end up moving in circles. I can’t seem to stay focused on anything. On anything but my pain, that is.

I know better, but I just can’t seem to break myself out of it. Every thought, even those meant to lift me up, only serve to make it all worse. I’m tired of the cycle and I just don’t know how to end it. It seems others think the solution is so simple. I’m not so sure it is.

Well, I don’t really know what to write at this point. I could probably write myself over and over in circles for that is how my mind has been working lately. I hate what I am going through at the moment. It is messing with every level of my being. I believe there is purpose to it. I have accepted that there is no clear end in sight right now. Not for me. Spirit may know when the end is, but I do not.

For now, I am going to take my leave from writing. I must get into this ritual bath. I have been putting it off for 5 days, and, if I am being honest, I haven’t showered in just as long. I always shower after the bath, so I have been putting off the showers believing each day that I was going to get into the bath. Today is the day. No excuses. If I am so inclined and/or if I have any important visions [that I can remember] I will write again after the bath.

Speaking of ‘visions,’ I want to mention something before I go.

“Three things.”

I do not know what it means. It has come up several times. In particularly during ritual bath. It comes across so clearly and it seems as if Spirit thinks I’m supposed to understand it or know what it means. I do not. I only know that it means something. No different than all of the markers I am given over time, it means nothing until it is here and gone. Then, and only then, can I know what it meant.

2026 (Post Bath)

Notes from the bath –

3 Days [This would be Thursday. I can imagine to what it is referencing. It is something that I both want and do not.]

It is not time to leave The Nest quite yet. This is why the delay in things. Otherwise, I would leave. I do not know why it is so important that I stay. This also means that it is not time for me to leave The Theater quite yet. However, there seemed to be reassurance that I will not be staying too much longer.

Went to my Sacred Spot. There was a woman there. A specter or Spirit. At a close glance she appeared frightening but that was not the feeling with which I was left.

No ‘thinking’ for the next two days. No hurries and no worries. Move slow. But move.

Tuesday, May 10, 2022; 1621

First, just let me say that ‘not thinking’ is one of the hardest things I think I have ever had to do. It’s no so much about not having thoughts – but more about not letting those thoughts pull me away from the moment. If I have thoughts, they must be in and on the moment. I cannot extend the thought process out into the future or back into the past. This has been very challenging and I have caught myself several times today needing to reel back in.

The Ritual Bath was precisely what I needed. I feel 1,000x better today than I have over the past several. I feel more like myself. I am calm and collected. I am also breathing better than I have in days. The passageways are clearer. This is nice. I was starting to get a little concerned. I think I may take another tomorrow. Perhaps even another tonight.

I do not feel as though I have accomplished much of anything today, but then perhaps that has been the point to it all. I know I have said it in videos over the past several weeks, but I cannot remember the last time I had a ‘vacation’ to myself. Not just downtime or personal time. But actual time off with no concerns or worries. Part of the problem right now is that I have so many things I want to do and each seems as important as the next. So, I spend a lot of time walking in circles – uncertain of what I really want to tackle.

Even when I have had large periods of time when I may not have had work there were always a ton of worries and stresses. There were things I needed to take care of and get ahead of. [For example, finding more work or income.] Over the past 17 years, when I have had ‘vacation’ time it has been taken with The Princesses and so there was very little rest and very little time for me.

Despite the fact that I have been resistant to this extended shutdown, the truth is, it is a blessing. Almost every day I pull a rune [on an app.] Yesterday’s rune talked about this very situation. It spoke of how things may seem stalled right now but that there was a point to it all. This is a chance to really reconnect with myself. To think about, as it said, what is truly important. [Currently, I have no clue what that is.]

I did get a little more painting done and that made me happy. Of course, there is still time to do more. I’m planning an Italian dinner – chicken parm [by Encore lol,] and some spaghetti. I had wanted to do my laundry today but I was so off in the morning. But, I will need to get that done tomorrow.

Earlier, Brother John contacted me about going to The Meeting Place tonight. He was willing to pick me up. He caught me at an odd time and I told him that I would get back to him in a few hours. I had just laid down. I’ve been going through this thing lately that when I eat I suddenly get very tired and I need to shut down for a bit. So, I had just finished lunch when he messaged me. I thought on his offer and was planning on going. However, after I woke back up, I was feeling differently about it.

I was out so deep. Dreamtime was so very vivid – almost real. When I woke up, I could barely function. I had no balance when I walked. Everything seemed out of whack. It was almost as if I had come back from Dreamtime too soon. [I get that. I feel like I forced it.] It took me about an hour to start feeling like I had any sense. So, I declined. I figured that I should stick to my 3-Day shutdown time. I don’t think I could handle all of the extra energies of The Meeting Place and those in attendance.

Wednesday, May 11, 2022; 0707

This is the last day of my personal shutdown.

I slept long and deep last night. I know I had dreams but I cannot remember them at the moment. I can see a vague flash of a moment but I cannot grab onto enough of it to remember. When I woke, I woke fast and furious. I jumped from bed and scurried off to …nothing. I just didn’t even know what to do. But, I felt like I had all of this energy to spare, but not enough focus to do anything with it. [This is actually my first stab at being productive.]

I also woke up with immediate thoughts of The Theatre and how I do not want to be there. I do not know how to resolve this internal quandary. I do know, though, that the rules of the day still insist on no thinking. So, when these thoughts arise I need to let them go immediately. I have to remember that I am still committed to the next 5-6 weeks. The last week I am actually scheduled to housesit [which is also generally my time to see The Princesses] so I do not think I am going to go into The Theatre that week. [Of course, this is also based on the notion that I will be driving again.]

I have a host of things I want to accomplish today. I need to do laundry and I need to clean. Neither one of these takes a great deal of time or energy, but they do take some. I’d like to continue painting while I can. I also want to make sure I am [mostly] moved back into the bedroom. Preview night for this show is tomorrow. I can only assume Number 2 is coming back to The Nest after that. I don’t know if she will come tomorrow night or on Friday. But, she did leave stuff here and has yet to pick it up. I was also told she was sting with the other actress so they could rehearse. I am expecting her back and she has every right to be here [more so than I,] but I would be just as content if she did not. I will be forced back into the bedroom and it kinda sucks. There are no windows. So there is no natural light or fresh air flow.

“Think about what is important.” This has been a difficult one. Needless to say, The Princesses top that list. Those two girls are my whole world. These past few weeks without them has been very hard on me. I have missed softball games and concerts and prom night. All of that breaks my heart a little bit. [Ok. A lot.]

Next on that list is Spirit. Some would say it should be the first and normally I would agree. But, as I said, my daughters are the whole of my world. They move my soul more than anything else ever has. With Spirit, I just want to get it ‘right.’ I want to feel connected and I want to put the best I can out into the world. However, I do not have enough self-love to believe that I could ever really do that. Still, I try. This is not easy, and it takes a lot of time doing what appears to be nothing. A lot of sitting and meditating and walking. These are the things that keep me in tune. These are the things that keep me balanced.

For instance, I have admitted that I am so tense and worried about how this all plays out. I am afraid that I end up with nothing – or worse, forced into a life I really do not want. But, when I stop and center, I feel differently. I know I will be alright. I know things will be fine. I can feel it. I don’t know what life will look like at the end of this. But I am certain it will all be ok.

I think back to the beginning of The Shutdown. There was a recurring message of things coming to a good end. I will find myself where I want to be. But, it also mentioned sacrifice. I think this is why I have been on edge. Not only do I not see the ending I want in sight, but I fear what it is I may have to give up [or sacrifice.]

I want to craft more. I know I always put it on a back burner, but that is because it seems more a hobby and I always need things that will bring me income. But the crafting brings me peace and contentment. Of course, it’s hard to craft living in my car or at the rescue mission. So, I am just trying to enjoy it while I can. Painting these two staves has been so much fun for me. I totally enjoy the process of watching them come together. My paints are old and difficult to work with and I do not have the selection of colors I would like, but I am making it happen. My brushes are worn and I could really use new ones. But, I also need to learn how to clean and care for them better – both during and after use. I have some other projects to start working on as well. But I have been overly obsessed with getting these painted after 3 years of waiting.

Well, I think I have purged my thoughts enough for now. [I want to get to painting.]

1152

Laundry is done and I am just about done with one of the sticks. It still needs some touch-ups and final touches, but it is getting closer to completion.

I had lunch. In usual fashion of late I am tired. But, I am trying to resist taking a nap.

I’m struggling today. I’m not supposed to be thinking but I can’t seem to stop. I just don’t understand what I’m doing here…or why? Last summer I felt like I had the world by the balls. I mean, sure, I was living in my van. But I was making money and I was happy and I had control of my life. I had hope. I know I repeat that a lot but I can’t get it out of my head.

Here I am a year later and I am trapped. I have an actual home but it is temporary and it is not mine. My only source of income is a place I do not want to be. I fight off depression on a daily basis.

Some people [in the past] have told me that “God wants better” for me. If that is the case then why does he keep taking it away from me. This is not the first time I have been broken down. It is not the second. Hell, it is not even the third.

I feel the need to take a walk but I have nowhere to walk to and I don’t care for the notion of idle time at the moment. I could go a few blocks to this one corner store. I know the guy who owns it and it feels good to show him support. I just don’t actually need anything at the moment.

All day yesterday, whenever I would get stressed or have questions in my mind I would hear the word, “Tomorrow.” This is a common occurrence anymore. A lot of tomorrows. Several “3 days,” or, “3 weeks.” I don’t really understand any of it. But it always seems accurate enough.

*sigh*

I’m just spinning. I don’t know how I feel. I know there is an end to all of this. I can’t fathom what it is, but more and more every day I am struggling to not just quit. I can give it all up – my daughters included – and just go to the rescue mission and see if after some time in the shelter I can get into their preliminary program and eventually into their higher tier program. I don’t know how long any of that takes – 6 months, a year, two years. Maybe if I truly do sacrifice everything I will be back on my feet to see at least one of my daughters graduate from high school. Of course, in all that time I wouldn’t have my phone anymore so that is two more years of not having any contact with them.

I’m gonna go walk.

Thursday, May 12, 2022; 0723

The walk was good. It was nice to get out for a moment. I always enjoy my walks, brief as they may be. I always find something new to appreciate. Though, yesterday’s walk left me feeling a little sore. I’m getting old faster. All of a sudden I just can’t function at an acceptable pace.

*Sigh*

I am so off right now. I wanted to write but I don’t know what to write about. My thoughts are pretty much what they were yesterday – only darker and more depressing. On top of that I still have a whole list of things I want to do and I am running short on time to do it.

Friday, May 13, 2022; 0744

Yesterday was a decent day. It was nice to get out and do something. I like being productive. It was also nice to make some more cash. [Who can have a problem with that? Lol.]

I went up to Brother John’s to finish organizing his garage. I do enjoy that kind of work. A few times I thought I should have taken before and after pictures because it is definitely something I could get into – another one of my little side jobs. Once upon a time, Cuddlebug talked about doing organizing and interior design as a career. I won’t lie. It made my heart a lil happy to hear that.

I enjoy the challenge of it. Now, in this case, unless it was truly damaged, I wasn’t getting rid of anything. I also did not get overly involved in sorting through the little miscellaneous things. That can be a lot of fun but also very taxing and time consuming. That does make a difference in the end result. But, Brother John was very pleased with the work I did., and that is all that matters.

As he drove me home, we discussed a car. He has a vehicle that has been sitting for 2 years. We know it needs a battery. It needs inspection. It most likely needs brakes. But, he is giving me such a good price that I can take care of all of that and still manage all the other details such as tax and title transfer, etc. I have to call the mechanic today and see what we can figure out.

Honestly, I’m not sure it is the ‘right’ choice. Maybe, according to G-d’s plan I am still rushing or forcing things. But, I need to get back to action. I really cannot handle all of this downtime and poverty. Plus, with every minute I get closer to losing my place on the driving rosters. But, then again, he did mention the vehicle quite some time ago. So, maybe this was the plan all along. I have been hesitant because Brother John and his wife have been very good to me these past few years and I do not want to take advantage of that kindness.

Saturday, May 14, 2022; 0711

Yesterday kinda sucked. I hit some serious depths of depression. It all starts with the ritual bath. I wasn’t soaking long before I was just crying. This tells me that I was already in depression and the bath just released it. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t know what causes it. I only know that it is a hurt, a wound, that is deep. I know that I am very damaged. I am damaged and too old to do anything about it. Too old for doing anything to make a difference. Whatever it is, it is the root of all of my problems. Over the years, I have weeded and trimmed and dug. I just can’t seem to pull out the root.

Sunday, May 15, 2022; 2040

If it hasn’t become obvious by now, I have been having difficulty focusing on writing. Part of this is just a difficulty in focus in general. [Actually, it’s more focus and sitting still that messes me up.] Also, I just have so many things distracting me – such as painting and work. My distraction yesterday was caused by vehicle things. I had one to go look at and it brought with it a lot of time-consuming steps.

I was talking about my depression. I could tell you how dark it got. I could tell you that, more than once, I had to chase from my mind the vision of a blade to my veins. But, all that would come of that is people worrying and reaching out with concern.

I learned some things about depression as I wrestled with it in these past several days. [or two weeks, if you’re counting.] First, depression is its own beast. It comes and goes at its own whim. It is not something that can be controlled. It can not be stopped nor slain. I cannot say what initiates the process but it does go hand in hand with losing sight of the good in life. I’m not sure which is the chicken or which is the egg. It is dis-ease at its most potent.

They say to reach out to someone when depressed – to talk to someone. Whoever devised that notion never suffered from depression. Here is what happens when a depressed person reaches out to someone [and why I don’t.] First, that person becomes overly cautious and protective. That person hovers and smothers. The intention is good and pure, but it does not help. In depression, a person feels out of place – as if there is no place.

People will tell a depressed person to think of all the good and count all the blessings. This is counter productive. Depression does not want to be defeated. Every positive thought will only bring on a flood of negative ones. For instance, you could tell me to think of my daughters and how blessed I am by them in my life. My thoughts would remind me of all the times I have failed them, or let them down. Depression would tell me that I have not been able to be a good and proper father to them.

It is a dark and dangerous slope. One that really must be faced alone. All one can do when struggling with depression is keep pressing onward and wait for it to end on its own – just as it began. One can only wait for the right moment, the right experience, the right thought or feeling to set it all straight once more.

For me, the trigger seems to be restlessness. When I get too routine or feel stifled or trapped, that is when it sets in. That is what has been happening lately. I have been feeling trapped and helpless. The inability to drive and all that it brings with it has been crushing. I have hated the serious decrease in income. The inconvenience of not being able to take care of myself easily. The inability to see my daughters. All the while, the more I try to resolve the situation, the harder it seems to become.

Once it starts that is all you can see. You see the failure and the let downs. You get frustrated as you try everything you can think of and come up empty handed. Still, you push on the best you can – trying to mask it all from the world around you.

So, for me, being active helps. At least, temporarily. So, I felt good when I went to Brother John’s to work. I felt productive. It took a couple of hours but I felt better after I worked at The Theatre Friday night. But, as soon as those moments ended the depression would start to creep back in. I would have the same issue at The Nest. When I had something to work on – like painting a staff – I would be peaceful and content. However, the moment I had to stop and wait for the paint to dry, the ill feelings would creep back in.

This pattern went on for way too long. It was so bad that all I could do to deal with it was to sleep. I honestly wasn’t sure if it was ever going to end.

Making the deal with Brother John for the car was a first step in quelling it a bit. Again, as I said, I’m not certain it is the plan G-d had in mind. But, I needed to do something. I needed to take a step that made me feel like this was coming to an end. I needed to do something that would put all of the assistance I’ve received to good use.

[Interesting side note: I have the car insured. We just weren’t able to transfer the title on Saturday. I did move to a new insurance company. I was very unhappy with the way mine handled itself through the accident ordeal. Anyway, I am actually paying $40 more per month on this vehicle than I was for a van 2 years newer that was financed. When I got an email explaining why it was due to things on my credit report – including too many recent inquiries. You know, when I was trying to get financed.]

The vehicle does need inspection and I put a new battery in it on Saturday. It’s been sitting for two years so it needs a good cleaning inside and out. I know my time of trial is not over and this does not make it over. There are things that will not [and should not] change. For instance, I think I will continue walking to and from The Theatre for work. Of course, that is dependent on where I am parked.

A vehicle just relieves many of my stresses. For instance, right now I have myself into The Theatre and The College and some occasional work at Brother John’s. I have been stressing over how to fit it all in and manage it with The Theatre’s current schedule. I’m restricted to bus travel which is my first challenge. It makes me limited to the time frames I can catch the bus. Again, with The Theatre’s current schedule, this limits when I can actually go to The College or John’s. With the car, I have more options. In particular where The College is involved. I can go early in the morning and work in the shed and move inside when the building is open. I could do all this and still make it to The Theatre in time for a shift. Or, I can go to The College after The Theatre.

It gives me a sense of control. I realize, of course, that part of this whole ordeal has been about not being in control – about working in Faith. I’m not always so good at that. [But, I suppose, that’s the point.] I can’t put my life completely back together yet. I can do some delivery driving but not like I was. Not as long as I have The Theatre and all of these other things on my plate. But, I can still do some.

So, after we looked at the car and started heading back I got so terribly sick. I don’t think Brother John noticed but I was not feeling well at all. It could have been the humidity. Or hunger. I did feel a little bit better after we grabbed some food. Nonetheless, I got back to The Nest and passed out for two hours. I felt better when I woke up – both physically and emotionally – but I still wasn’t quite right. The depression still managed to start to creep back in.

I want to pause here a moment and touch on a few other things from my week. They are minor but noteworthy. They feed into my struggles but they will have no potency after I finish this story.

First, actress Number 2 has yet to return to The Nest. Her alleged reason for leaving was that she was staying with one of the other actresses to rehearse. It has been four days since the last rehearsal. Shows are up and running. I feel bad that she felt she needed to leave. I did try my best to make her feel comfortable and welcome. I stayed out of her way. But still, I must have done something to upset her because she won’t even look at me at The Theatre. It makes me feel bad because I can’t imagine what I did. But, also, she is supposed to be here. It is part of her ‘payment.’ And, I wasn’t supposed to be here. I mean, I can’t complain because it is nice to be back to life as normal in The Nest.

Second, my cousin’s husband passed away early this week. It was Big ‘D’ that let me know. As soon as I heard, I reached out to my cousin to let her know that I was thinking of her and the kids. When the arrangements were made and I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the service, I reached out to my cousin once more and again let her know they were in my thoughts, that I wasn’t going to make the service, and if she needed anything she should reach out. Cuddlebug told me she mentioned more than once how sweet it was that I reached out like that.

Everything I know of the situation I learned from Big ‘D.’ She was diligent about informing me of ‘developments.’ She texted me quite a few times in just as many days. About a day before the services, she messaged me to let me know that she sent a card in my name and added my name to the bouquet of flowers.

Now, I, personally, do not see the point to flowers and cards at such a time. To me, both are nothing more than a waste of time and money. Flowers die. They wilt away and are gone before you ever have a chance to truly appreciate them. Not only do they die, but they don’t actually do anything. As far as I am concerned they are just an empty gesture. And cards? Cards inevitably get thrown away or burned. But only after sitting in a storage box for several years. It would have to be one hell of a card to be kept forever. Even if cards are kept, they do not actually do anything. Again – unless it is one hell of a card with incredible words of inspiration – empty gestures. [‘Thinking of you at this difficult time’; ‘Mourning your loss’]

I realize, of course, that this is some sort of socially acceptable, and almost anticipated, consolation. [“It’s the right thing to do.”] That being said, Big ‘D’ was only doing what she thought was right. She was being socially appropriate, and, by including me, she was allowing me that same accomplishment. In her mind, this is all good.

Now, even if we were not engaged in our current relationship entanglement – I would not be OK with this move. I am 50 years old. If I think I need to send a card or flowers, I will do it. Just as I reached out to her, because I thought it was what I needed to do. I do not need someone doing it for me. Especially not for the purposes of everyone appearing socially delicate.

But, what really fired me up – what gets me the most – is that all of those times she texted me, she did not once ask how things are. She did not ask how I am doing. She did not ask if I had gotten a vehicle. This offends me. [I know it shouldn’t, but it does.] It offends me because how can a person not hold any kind of a normal dialogue, nor show any concern, and then turn around and work such a gesture? It just doesn’t compute for me.

I think about why these silly, little things between us bother me so much. I think it’s because I know she means well. I know in her mind it is all good and ‘the right thing.’ But, it is crossing a line for me. I’m not comfortable with it. Please don’t do it. If she were anyone else, I would have no problem whatsoever letting her know. But, she is my mother and I know she will take offense to it. So, I get frustrated because it is in my nature to say something. Instead, I swallow it down and bite my tongue.

The Lesson in this is – Let it Go. Just let it go. It’s one of the many things in life that are not worth the time and the energy.

We’re upon the Full [Super]Moon as well as a Lunar Eclipse.

Friday was the first of the markers. It was 3 weeks. Now we have three more weeks until, “6 Weeks.”

I’ve been having a series of wild dreams lately. I can only remember fragments at this point. But, at the time, they are so vivid and real. When I wake up, I can remember them and they just blow my mind. [I really should try to keep a journal next to my sleeping self. They have been this very intriguing combination of entertainment and messages. My mind has been latching on to the most interesting things and using them in odd ways.

I’ve been missing Craze lately. I know, it seems random to me as well. We were not all that close. We did not have a strong and bonded relationship. But, recently, I have found myself wishing that I could talk with him. He didn’t always understand my life, but he always listened. [Even if it was half-listening between words on the television.] And, more often than not, eventually he would chime in with words that would touch my spirit and lift it.

Finally, we have a new server at The Theatre. I like her. She brings a very different energy and dynamic which I think The Theatre needs. She knows what she is doing. She is a skilled server. So, that’s a plus. She seems very chill. Easy to talk to. She has little chats with everyone. I wouldn’t say that we have bonded, but we have clicked. We have built a banter rapport, and I always appreciate that.

The more I have been around her, the more I think it was her face which I saw in my Ritual Bath Meditation. I came out of it with only a blurred and vague vision. I certainly couldn’t describe her to a sketch artist. I assumed it was one of the actresses that I was needing to meet and know. They were the only new females of which I was aware. So, it was an easy conclusion to draw. However, she seems a better candidate. I think she is deep. I believe there are many, many layers there. I think she could have 1,000 fascinating tales. [Perhaps even 1,001.]

I want it to be noted that on no level of my being am I thinking, anticipating, nor desiring for this to be any kind of romantic or intimate involvement. What I think is that she is a deep soul who can open my eyes and teach me much. I guess time will tell.

Ok, back to what we are really here for…

So, I’m depressed. Right? I’ve been wrestling with it for many days. I reached a point where I even tired of The Voice with its markers and whispers. It’s always the same message. “Just wait.” A constant murmur of, “It’s all going to be OK.” It gets frustrating after a while – to be trying so hard, getting nowhere, and all the while have this incessant echoing of, “better days.”

Like I said, the vehicle helped. I felt a weight lift off of my beings as a whole. But, it wasn’t a full resolution. I just want the whole ordeal to be over and get back into whatever life is left for me to live. I just need conclusion and closure – one way or the other; good, bad, or indifferent. So much in fact, that the other thought I have had to chase off several times [often in just one day] was to pack a bag and walk my ass down to The Rescue Mission and just give up. I just feel like I am floating in Limbo with no clue in which direction to turn.

I was feeling better after my little nap, but not quite good; More grounded, but not quite balanced. My mind was clearer, lighter. It was so burdened and clouded with thoughts of a vehicle – having one, what I could do with one, what I can’t do without one. I just wanted to know that I could see the girls or get back to doing deliveries. I needed a sense that I could get back to my life – even though I am fairly certain that I do not end up returning to it at all. That is why I want it all to be over. It is either going to end better or it is going to end worse. Not knowing which way it is going to go is driving me crazy.

Anyway, I was feeling a little more receptive, so I decided to grab my phone and ‘pull’ a rune for the day. I have a daily rune app and I have been using it not only for divination but also to help me understand the runes better. It was a message about “relinquishing the old” – old patterns, old habits, old hobbies…old life. A letting go of all which no longer serves purpose.

Clue #1.

I know I have things to give up – habits and hobbies anyway. Mindsets and ego-based [fear-based] thinking. But…what else?

It was soon time to make my walk to The Theatre. Shamus, my most infamous staff, had decided to stay back with the car. [Would have been nice if he had told me first.] I wasn’t surprised. It is not the first time he has stayed where his magicks are most needed. So, I decided to break in the new staff. I can’t know what it does until I take it out and see what happens.

I was a little more than half way to The Theatre. It had been a good walk. The staff felt good. It definitely had an energy to it. I was feeling the groove. I had been a bit upset when I left The Nest, but I was becoming mellower with each block. Suddenly, this dude come off his porch to see the staff. This resulted in a very long dialogue.

It was intriguing. It wasn’t the strangest random conversation I’ve ever had but it was definitely interesting and was reminiscent of many before it. It started fairly normal. Some chat about crafting and creating. Then it started to shift.

First, he asked me what I do. What is it that I am interested in and good at. My answer was simple, “I’m interested in lots of things. I’m good at nothing.”

“No, no. What is your gift?”

I had to think on this a while. I knew what I was feeling, but I couldn’t find the right words. Finally, “Peace. I bring peace where I go.” This spawned a whole dialogue on what it means to be a Peacemaker. An interesting point that was brought up was that being a Peacemaker does not mean you will not fight, nor go to war. In fact, a good Peacemaker is prepared to do just that. It is not the preferred option or solution. It is not what a Peacemaker sets out to do. But the ability, and the willingness, must be there.

After further thought, I would change my answer. I would go with Healer. If I am anything I am a Healer. This is the greatest gift that has been bestowed on me. The Peacemaker remark was more for my compadre. It got him to thinking about himself. It was a word that resonated with him and he, admittedly, needed to hear it.

Then he said, “You have to stop focusin on other things and focus on the work G-d intended for you.”

Well, that’s just dandy. Wanna clue me in as to what that work is? Over the past two decades I have done my best to pursue every path that has opened before me. None of them promised to be easy and, in the end, all of them brought chaos and ruin. So, what exactly is it that I am supposed to do in order to fulfill my duty to The All-Father?

Then he commented, as he pointed to my staff, “imagine if, instead of wood, that was made of gold and platinum and diamonds. It would be worth so much more.” He used other examples as he tried to demonstrate that through doing G-d’s work I could attain riches beyond imagining. This is where the conversation began to get uncomfortable for me.

I do not look for that sort of validation in my dealings with G-d. I do not desire it nor need it. Would I accept it if G-d chose to grace me with riches beyond compare? Of course. I would be a fool not to. But, it is not what I yearn for. To know that change has happened – that people heal and grow and find their place, to know that things worked out in the end. That is the validation for which I yearn. Still, it was a point well taken. Riches and blessings and abundance have always been a part of the promise yet received. So, this leaves me with that same question.

What, exactly, is it I am supposed to do.

Then he talked on about belief. A belief in The All-Father. [His word choice, which I find intriguing considering what follows.] He continued by saying, “You must believe in all three.” He never said plainly, but I can only assume that he was referring to the Trinity of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

This dialogue brought about more discomfort. Oh, how this is such an issue in my life. It always comes back to Jesus, and it always leaves me in a quandary. I do not have an issue with the archetype. Not at all. I find there is great power in it. In fact, when I first started down my path, even as a Wiccan, Jesus played a large part in it all. But, then, contemporary Christian ideology ate away at that relationship.

“Believe it my way…or you are wrong…and of ‘The Enemy’.”

Right from the start, I have issues with this philosophy. Even at a young age I would have the debate with my Great-Grandmother – who was a devout Christian, practicing under the guise of Jehovah’s Witness.

“So…out of the billions of people in the world, only Christians get ‘saved’ and go to Heaven?”

“Yes.”

“But what about Buddhists? They devote their lives to peace and harmony – to harm none. They are not worthy of The Father’s Grace because they do not worship Jesus?”

“Yes.”

“Nonsense!”

Quite frankly, A god with that much of an infantile and ego-minded philosophy, doesn’t seem to me much like a god worth worshipping. But there is so much more to it than that. Two decades of studying and searching has uncovered so many things that make it difficult to believe as I am told I must believe. Again, this is not to dispute the power of the one they called Jesus. He is one of my favorite meditative images. I find peace in that image. I find power. But none of it is about him being The Son of G-d.

Ignorance is bliss.

Before I knew things, before I cared, it was easy to just work with this divine archetype. It almost came naturally. But, I do not, nor do I believe that I could, see it the way it is dictated. Much like the concept of The Devil, my quest for truth and understanding has always had me delving into the Topic of Jesus. The more you look, the more you find. Unfortunately, it does not always fit the mold of what it is you may be trying to prove or demonstrate.

Did you know, Fellow Travelers, the in ancient Hebrew the word that is used, the one we translate as meaning the offspring – Son – is also the same word for ‘Servant.’ Hebrew is funny that way. One Hebrew word can be used for 100 words. It is all in context, I suppose. So what happens, in regards to Jesus, if we substitute the word ‘servant’ for ‘son.’ Not much really, if anything at all. At best, it gives us a greater and deeper understanding of his role…and his teachings.

Another thing learned along the way is that the story of Jesus as we know it – the virgin mother, deity father, savior son; the 12 followers and the last supper; the crucifixion and the resurrection – are not original to Jesus. They date back long before him to [I believe] a Persian Sun god called Mithras.

I find contradictions in the philosophy. We are told that it is a belief in Jesus that grants us entry into Heaven and yet Jesus himself tells us that, “The Kingdom of Heaven is within.” [Which, I understand is a phrase that first appears in The Egyptian Book of the Dead -also pre-dating Jesus.] We have the keys to the gate. All we must do is turn within and search for it.

Finally, on a personal level, I have one other issue. It is our contemporary practice as Christians [it seems] to pray to and worship Jesus. Quite frankly, I find this to be blasphemous and take great offense to it. This is not at all what Jesus taught us. He spoke very often, and was very plain, on the matter of to whom we should be praying, to whom we should give our thanks, to whom we should pay homage. Never once did he say it was himself. I have been to many contemporary services and in the ‘Worship’ time it seems almost all of the songs are about or directed to Jesus.

So, through all of this, I find myself of the same mindset as that of Thomas Jefferson – who constructed his own Bible from four others. He removed all references to the divine nature of Jesus – all of the mysticism. Things such as the miracles [which I don’t whole-heartedly agree with,] the divine birth, the resurrection. Instead, he put his focus on the teachings and the practices. He did this because he believed that a focus on the divinity of Jesus was distracting us from the true practice of Christianity.

I agree with him. We are so blinded by this light which we claim to be shining, that we do not see the truths right before us. We have become so righteous through this gauntlet that we have taken up that we are oblivious to the sins it causes, the damage that it can do.

But, still, a message is a message and I must continue to wrestle with this.

This was not the last of my messages. I would receive a text from Belle telling me that she had encountered a spirit guide in her Dreamtime. He is one who has visited her before, and with whom we are both familiar. He told her that he had a message for her to deliver to me but that she would have to wait. She did not have to wait long, for, by today, these are the words she delivered to me:

- Red

- White

- Not as far as time but as order

- Patience – be TRULY ok with it

- Blunt, not joint

And then in a second dream:

- Purple Dress

- Flamingos

- Chipmunks

- Owls

- Octopus

- Swimming

I have absolutely no clue what any of this means. Nor will I until its time has come to mean something. I do, however, understand that we are still very much at the beginning of this Journey, Fellow Travelers. We have come to the end, and now the beginning must start. Changes are on the horizon. But, what will they yield.

Let us see what lies ahead, Fellow Travelers.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Flamingo [spirit-animals.com]– Flamingo symbolism is reminding you to get in touch with your emotions. It is a good idea to allow yourself to feel so that you can process your feelings. Furthermore, this spirit animal will enable you to grow through releasing issues. In other words, if you bottle things up, you will find yourself reacting rather than acting appropriately. Therefore, the Flamingo meaning dictates that you must allow yourself to release your feelings so that you can come into balance again. Alternatively, like the Prairie Dog, Flamingo symbolism may be letting you know that it is time for you to get out and socialize. Therefore it is time to have some fun in your life. Moreover, socializing will help let go of stressful situations and coming to terms with changes in your life. Correspondingly, this bird also brings new ideas and options that will come to you while immersing yourself in the company of others. It will also allow you to find balance and gratitude for what you have. It will give you a greater appreciation of those around you. Conversely, Flamingo symbolism may be pointing out that you are blending in a bit too well right now. In other words, you need to allow yourself to be different and to think for yourself. Thus, the Flamingo meaning prompts you to maintain your individuality within the crowds.

Turtle - Motherhood, Longevity, Awakening to Opportunities

Help unite Heaven and Earth within your own life. Fairy connections. ‘Keeper of The Doors.’ Symbol of the Primal Mother. Long life and grounded was within life. Can teach new perceptions about time ad our relationship with it. The mystery of awakening the senses - physically and spiritually. Stimulates hearing/Clairaudience; Help with vision/Clairvoyance; Develop sense of smell and higher discrimination. Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should? Are you or those around you not using discrimination? A reminder to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets tipsy-curvy. Sometimes Turtle shows up as a totem to help during these times. A reminder to pay attention or you will miss opportunities. A symbol of Mother Earth and that she provides all our needs. Turtle can slow us down to help us see our opportunities. Is our life becoming too hectic? Are we not taking time for ourselves? Are we so busy that we can’t really see what is going on? Are we going too slow and need to pick up the pace a little? Also study Raccoon. Vitamin D/Diet. Link between water and land. Water is the creative source that we can draw on and live in, but we must also come out of it and apply that creativity within the physical world - the land. Also hints at needing to think things through before you act on them. It is time to get connected to your own primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recognize that there is abundance out there for you. It doesn’t have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, Too soon, can upset the balance. Reminds us that all we need for all we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time. Reminds us that the way to Heaven is through the Earth.

Chipmunk – (from whatismyspiritanimal.com)

Chipmunks don’t really have a lot of enemies mostly because they’re clever enough to avoid troublesome situations; this creature is very adaptable and will live nearly anywhere that suits them, including under your patio. Being picky isn’t really in Chipmunk’s character makeup.

Similar to Squirrels, Chipmunk always prepares for seasonal shifts in food supplies by stashing some neatly away. They are diligent about preparing for the future and have more than one entrance and exit to their favorite hiding spots. Young Chipmunks depend on their mother for about six weeks. Even then, the energy level for Chipmunk is pretty perky. As Chipmunks eat nuts and acorns, they also have an important role to play in spreading seeds and spores.

Norse myths tell us that either a Chipmunk or Squirrel runs up and down the World Tree delivering messages to and from the Gods (Odin in particular). The symbolism here combines with the Chipmunk’s habit of chattering as if there is always something new about which to talk. Saga, a Goddess of history and bardic arts, also has a Chipmunk companion.

An Irish Goddess by the name of Medb is said to have this little guy as a sacred animal. Medb oversees matters of health, prosperity, sexuality, and fertility; this last attribute is one that fits Chipmunk very well. Females can have up to three litters a year with five pups in each.

Chipmunk is prolific as a way of offsetting a rather short lifespan of only about three years. As we observe Chipmunk Spirit in nature, it becomes evident that they are very curious. There is little that goes undetected by our forest friend. They also seem fairly determined to do things in their own manner and time. When courting or feeling threatened, they may let out a little chirp that sounds bird-like.

For the most part, Chipmunk is not aggressive. The only time they really seem to fight among themselves if there’s the perception that food lacks. As long as edibles are in ample supply, they get along with each other very well. Greed is a term that seems to have been left out of Chipmunk’s vocabulary.

Chipmunk Spirit Animal comes into our lives for various reasons. One might have to do with the way you communicate. Chipmunk is a chatterbox, but as a Divine emissary, his words are chosen carefully. It may be time to assess how much of your discussions with others are filled with “fluff” rather than meaningful meat.

Another lesson from Chipmunk Spirit Animal deals with the element of surprise and an awareness of our environment. If you watch, Chipmunks seem to be able to appear as if from thin air, then duck away again into another realm. He knows his pathways intimately and rarely gets lost. It may be that Chipmunk advises laying low and not showing your hand too soon. He also reminds you to have sound exit strategies.

If your life has become rather dull, Chipmunk Medicine will definitely pick things up. Chipmunk is always ready for an adventure and loves exploring. When he is part of your life, it’s most definitely time to come out of your shell and find new ventures or discoveries; this need not be a huge thing. Sometimes the simple wonders are the most exciting! Chipmunk’s excitement is very contagious. And if you haven’t been very social lately, prepare for a BIG change.

Chipmunk also represents energy and activity. You will never get anywhere in life by just standing still. It’s time to get up and engage life fully. Use this season as an opportunity for changing things up so that your personal spaces are light-hearted and comfortable in every way possible. Living joyfully is one of Chipmunk’s core virtues as is playing and having fun.

When it comes to your resources, Chipmunk sometimes appears as a sign that you need to better prepare for a period ahead when finances become tight. Set up a rainy-day fund. Make sure it’s safe and secure so you can use it come proverbial bad weather.

Finally, if you are starting on a particular magical study, Chipmunk may have been attracted to you because of that emerging energy. Chipmunk is a Spirit of wish fulfillment and will power; this Guide can help you move toward greater knowledge in your arts.

Owl - The Mystery of Magic, Omens, Silent Wisdom, and Vision in the Night

Symbol of the feminine and the night. Ties to fertility and seduction. Bird of magic and darkness, of prophecy and wisdom. Symbolically associated with clairvoyance, astral projection and magic, both black and white. Hints of the light of the sun, alive in the dar of night. Meditation on this alone will reveal much about the magic of Owl within your life. Will be able to see and hear what others are trying to hide. What is not being said. See what is hidden or in the shadows. Detect and pinpoint the subtleties. Unique ability to see into the darkness of others’ souls. And life. Their medicine can extract secrets. If your neck is stiff and inflexible, you are hindering your perceptions to a great degree. Often reflects that you were born very perceptive - with a vision of others that you may or may not have recognized or acknowledged. Unique ability for seeing into the eyes and souls of others. Keep silent and go about your business. Eliminate those aspects that are not beneficial and unhealthy.

Octopus – (from whatismyspiritanimal.com)

The impressive Octopus has a variety of symbolism and meanings associated with it. On a spiritual level Octopus represents our willpower and focus. Octopus Spirit is very wise and smart, having the skills to get out of sticky situations. Octopus looks at circumstances, adapts, flexes and then finds a strategic way to fix things or make them better.

To humans, Octopus may seem mysterious. As a sea creature, this Animal Spirit touches our deep emotions in unanticipated ways. She shows us our potential and supports our ability to reason things out. If Octopus walked on land, it would be a life-long student of energetic realms and the ancient mysteries.

Octopus symbolism is highly influenced by the Water Element. This brings insight, inventiveness, cleansing, and movement into the equation. The Moon influences Octopus as it waxes and wanes, charging the air with psychic ability. Lightworkers consider Octopus Medicine as tied to the sacred feminine.

In nature, Octopus prefers to move along the bottom of their realm. They frequently move, shifting with the water’s movements. In this Octopus teaches us how to work with whatever is “in motion” vs. fighting against it. Additionally, no matter Octopus’ magical abilities, She stays close to the ground of the watery realms for stability.

The Octopus has no spinal column, making them very flexible (loose as a goose, so to speak). The Path Octopus treads is not always orthodox, but productive. Better still, Octopus can re-grow their arms, so when one door closes, it’s easy to “regenerate” and try something else. This ability, combined with being able to detach limbs, means that Octopus can avoid problems and dangers, leaving the past behind. This physical aptitude and structure give Octopus additional meanings that include renewal, life’s cycles and evolution of the soul.

Octopus is a reasoning being; they have sound memories and logical aptitude. Thus, Octopus represents mastering our minds and honing our cognitive skill, so it becomes a fine tool for daily use. Many spiritual seekers rely heavily on sensitivity vs. logic, but Octopus reminds us that both have a place on our Path. Additionally, Octopus is a master of camouflage; this represents not only “laying low” and avoiding overexposure but also secrets and the unknown. Octopus can teach us much about shape-shifting and the ever-unfolding creative forces of the Universe too.

When Octopus glides smoothly into your life whole new worlds are about to open to you. She brings the gifts of wisdom, keen-mindedness, and a connection to the Path of the Mystic. Octopus will nudge to you explore your creative and intuitive self. Many people who encounter Octopus find they begin having very detailed dreams some of which are precognitive. Octopus loves students and frequently comes to those immersed in higher learning.

Octopus has eight legs that represent infinity. From a metaphysical standpoint, this is a message about your past lives and the lessons you learned on the Wheel of Life. Don’t be surprised if Octopus surprises you with glimpses that help with your current circumstances.

For those of us who pushed down our words and emotions, Octopus sees them and challenges us to look at those honestly. It is time to purge that which doesn’t celebrate your life and Spirit as it exists now. Clinging to the past with all 8 arms will only keep you stuck there. Release and go with the flow. That which seemed impossible will suddenly take on a new light.

Another message from Octopus Spirit Animal has to do with illusions. Something or someone (perhaps even you) are not what they seem. Getting to the truth is important.

Finally, in the bedroom Octopus encourages us to explore our sensuality and release some of the walls that keep us from our Bliss.

Cardinal - Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance

They remind us that, regardless of the time of day or year, we always have the opportunity to renew our own vitality and recognize our own life roles. Whistles are often reminders to listen closely - to pay attention to what is blowing on the winds. Reflects that we should be listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being. Almost always reflects a need to assert the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly. Can reflect a need to b more careful about your diet, that what you are eating may be injurious to yourself and affecting your overall vitality. Reflects the rhythm of 12 that is going to become more predominant within your own life. Reflects lessons associated with responsibility and the recognition of the task at hand. May reflect past-life connections with the church, or even a reviving of more traditional religious beliefs, regardless of denomination. Remind us to add color to our lives, and remember that everything is of importance.

Bee – Fertility and the Honey of Life

Symbols for accomplishing the impossible. Examine your own productivity. Are you doing all you can to make your life more fertile? Are you busy enough? Are you taking the time to savor the honey of your endeavors or are you being a workaholic? Are you attempting to do too much? Are you keeping your desires in check so they can be more productive? Are you taking time to enjoy the labors and activities you involve yourself in? No matter how great the dream there is promise of fulfillment if we pursue it.

Frog – Transformation Through Water and Sound

Water and Land. Faeries and elves. Linked to rain and control of the weather. Lunar energies. Have been known to be heralders of abundance and fertility. You may need to get in touch with the water element. It may reflect that there are new rains coming or that you need to call new rains forth. Maybe the old waters are becoming dirty and stagnant. Frog can teach you how to clean them up. It is a totem of metamorphosis. It is a symbol of coming into one’s own creative power. Usually frog people have strong ties to their mothers. [Hint? Clue?] Are you becoming too mundane? Are you becoming too mired in the mud of your day-to-day life? Are you needing to dive into some fresh creative water? Are you feeling waterlogged, becoming bogged down, or drowning in emotions?

Spider – Creativity and the Weaving of Fate

Maya, the weaver of illusion. Grandmother, link to the past and the future. Mysticism of the geometric form of the figure 8. Symbol of infinity. The Wheel of Life. Teaches you to maintain a balance – between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female. Everything that you do now is weaving what you will encounter in the future. Rhythms. Creative sensibilities. The past always subtly influences the present and future. Spiral shape, the traditional form of creativity and development. We are the center of our own world. “Know thyself and you shall know the Universe.” Keepers and writers of our own destiny, weaving by our thoughts, feelings, and actions. The magic and energy of creation. Assertiveness of that creative force. , keeping the feminine energies of creation alive and strong. Links with the past and future. Are you moving toward a central goal or are you scattered and going in multiple directions? Is everything staying focused? Are you becoming too involved and/or self-absorbed? Are you focusing on others’ accomplishments and not your own? Are you developing resentment because of it – towards yourself or them? The teacher of language and the magic of writing. Death and rebirth. A lunar symbol. Maintain balance and polarity in all aspects of life. Through polarity and balance creativity is stimulated. A combination of gentleness and strength. Walk the threads between life and death – waking and sleeping – between the physical and the spiritual. How to express the creative energies. Don’t be afraid to employ it in seemingly inaccessible corners. Weave your creative threads in the dark and then, when the sun hits them, they will glisten with intricate beauty. Are you not weaving your dreams and imaginings into reality? Are you not using your creative opportunities? Are you feeling closed in or stuck as if in a web? Do you need to pay attention to your balance and where you are walking in life? Are others out of balance around you? Do you need to write? Are you inspired to write or draw and not following through? Remember that Spider is the keeper of the primordial alphabet. Teach how to use the written language with power and creativity so that your words weave a web around those who would read them.