S7EP3: The Blessed Curse

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. 

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true! 

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

 Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, August 28, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Clouded

Theme – Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

This came up twice in just a few hours time. Once was at our hotel. When we arrived we all noticed that it didn’t look like much at all. Peeled paint, cracks, looking somewhat rundown. However, the room itself was quite nice – comfortable and clean. The other time was on the boardwalk. The girls wanted to do a mirror maze. Included, at a cost of course, were two other activities. One was a race game and the other was this activity where you had to make your way through a room, around lasers, all Mission Impossible. The gentleman behind the register said we could all go through the maze and for the $20 per person, he said to the girls, “You two can go through the other 2 activities. He won’t like them very much.” Then he went on to explain them what the other two were. When he was finished, I looked across the counter and asked, “And what makes you think I wouldn’t like those.”

“Well I saw the cane.” [I had Shamus with me.]

“And it is merely a decoration.” Then I said, there’s your lesson for the night.

He responded, “Yup. Never judge a book by its cover.”

Lesson – Follow Your Thoughts

This was a hard Lesson this week and only time will tell if it was aurally learned.

The girls and I ended up locked out of our room on Saturday night. I will save the details of the story for a bit later. But, the point to it all is simple and clear. When we arrived at the hotel we were given 2 key cards. I told the girls I wanted to put one in the car. I never did. Before we left for the boardwalk, they said, they had thought about asking me for one for their purses. They never did. If any one of us had just listened to ourselves we never would have been locked out.  

Observation –  It’s Not Always [Rarely] Clear

Everything Happens for a Reason – Precise & Perfectly Placed.

That is not always easy to see. For instance, getting locked out of the room for the night. If it was supposed to go any other way it would have. So, for some reason, this was the moment we needed. We can go over all of the mistakes and misgivings over and over again. Still no amount of responsibility or explanations can sum it all up as easy completely as the statement above. We may never no the reason nor the purpose but we can rest assured that everything certainly does happen for a reason.  

Or, similarly, I thought I was really going to get something out of this weekend. I knew I had to go and I believed something good would come of it. I can think of nothing in particular, yet, at the same time I feel as though whatever the purpose was it was served. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know what it did. I only know it happened

It’s not Always Clear.

The Post

Once again I took a stab at starting early. Once again, it did not work.

It just takes so much time to rifle through my thoughts, keep them together, and stay on track. One thought leads to another, leads to another, leads to another. Sooner or later [usually about twenty minutes] I will cycle back to the original thought. This is something The Princesses recently came to understand.

Cuddlebug said, “It’s kinda like the conversation continues on, but only in your head. Then you just randomly speak part of it out loud as if you were talking all along.”

“It ain’t kinda like that,” I said, “That’s exactly what it is.”

It I a blessing and a curse.

Of course, the more time that passes, the more things that go on, the more pieces there are to shuffle around the board. So, let’s see if we can get all caught up, Fellow Travelers.

When last we left off, I was just beginning the Re-Birthday cycle.

The Re-Birthday itself was fairly ordinary. Just another day. I worked because I knew I was taking off for The Getaway. So, it truly was just another day in the life of me. However, Big ‘D’ and I had dinner together. It was her idea. It was a nice enough time.

I think the relationship has healed as much as it is going to heal. I think it has healed as much as it needs to heal. We are civil and polite. We can have an enjoyable time. That is all that is needed. We won’t have any deep meaningful conversations. We just don’t have that relationship. That’s ok. After all these years of not having it [not just the homeless years] it’s just not that important to me. The relationship doesn’t mean the same to me as it does others. It is just a relationship like any other. Either it is functioning or it is not. Currently, it is.

Friday I worked and finished prepping for our adventure. Let me tell you – getting to that moment was almost the same kind of debacle that the trip itself turned out to be.  It took a lot of juggling of stuff to get the Rocket both loaded and unloaded. As usual when we travel, there’s more in here than we need and stuff we need to bring along. I was trying to hone it down before the trip so we only had to load up and I needed to get rid of my blankets and pillows. [Which in hindsight, I wish I wouldn’t have done.] But, also, the money was a challenge. It was a really short period of time between house-sitting and The Getaway, with a few things along the way for which I had not accounted. Still, I managed it. There were some cash birthday gifts along the way. I had to use each of my credit cards [only once.] I even borrowed from The Special Fund.

And, after all that, I still returned home with about $70.

Go figure.

The Getaway was precisely what it needed to be – the good, the bad, and the in between.

It all started fairly normal. We stopped for the obligatory ‘Road-Trip Stash’ of snacks and drinks. I topped of the gas and away we went. The ride down was very smooth, with very few stops. [Which is impressive for our group.]

We revived in the area very early. Way too early to check-in. That was part of the plan. We stayed at a hotel that gave us quick and easy access to 3 different beach towns. Each offered a different type of experience. One town was more of a mere pass-through. We just wanted to see it. So, we drove around and explored and checked out the very little bit of boardwalk activity they had going on. We even had a chance to quickly scope out the second town as well.

Finally, the early morning caught up with us. I called the hotel to see if we could check in early. It was only by like an hour or less. So, we got checked in, unloaded and settled. We got two key cards. I set them on the dresser inside the door announcing that I wanted to put on in The Rocket. I think everyone took a bit of a nap. Somewhere in there we went food shopping since the room had a kitchenette and we eventually made some dinner.

Finally it was time to head into town number three and The Boardwalk experience. We got ourselves together. I grabbed a key card and realized that The Princesses were not as together as I was. It was going to be a while and I didn’t want the key in my pocket that long so I set it back on the dresser.

Now, none of us really wants much from it. Just the chance to walk along and enjoy – see what we could see. One stop would be an amusement. Three-in-One actually. There was a mirror maze, a game that had us racing to push more buttons than the other, and a laser maze that had us moving through a room a la Mission Impossible to hit the buttons.  The gentleman working the stand decided I wouldn’t be interested in the race game or lasers. Boy, did I correct him quickly. In his defense, I had Shamus with me so he just “assumed.”

We left there and walked a bit more. The next, and final stop, would be a particular arcade. They wanted to go there and hang out a bit and this is where we would have a bit of a blow out. Before I get to that I would just like to say that boardwalk arcades have changed. There wasn’t one single regular arcade game. They were ALL about winning tickets. Not my scene at all.

Now, The Princesses and I have an ongoing disagreement about the proper pace for walking. I say they move too fast and they think I move too slow. They are not necessarily wrong. I do move slow. I do it, as I tell them, very on purpose. Cuddlebug says, “We want to go and see things.”

“Aha! But you will see so much more when you slow down.”

My rule of movement is the same no matter how I am traveling. I am in no hurry. Wherever I am going will still be there when I arrive.

Anyway, Sunshine took off through the crowded arcade. She didn’t look back once. More than her just taking off, knowing how I feel about it, what upset me was the fact that she didn’t without any consideration or regard for us. [Though I was about to do something similar.]

After I vented my frustrations about Sunshine being so far ahead, Cuddlebug – who had been with me up until this point – pushed her way ahead. She stood close to Sunshine saying something important based on how her head was bouncing back and forth. I don’t know what she said and I can not recall Sunshine’s exact response. I only know it was something in defense of her walking so fast.

Now I was even more irritated. We all know how I feel about it. Why did Cuddlebug have to push on ahead just to bitch about it? I mean why did she have to bitch about it at all? But if she felt she so needed to why did she have to push ahead? That’s as good as behind the back. Why couldn’t she just say it in front of me when we both caught up?

Anyway, I was done. I handed them the bucket of coins and said, “I’ll be outside.” I just needed a moment. Or so I thought. I went outside. Too some breaths, looked around and the next thing I know I am halfway down the boardwalk. Unfortunately, this does happen with me. As the T-shirt the girls made me get a few years ago says, “In my defense I was left unsupervised.”

Now what I did was no better than what Sunshine had done. Perhaps even a bit worse. But, it does ten to happen with me. All the elements have to come together perfectly. I need to be in the right state of mind and feeling the right groove. The right thing has to pull on me. If that happen, I am gone.

That’s what happened that night. I caught a wave and it was already too late by the time I realized I was surfing. All I could do was keep riding it until I returned. It took a while before I had thought about texting them and even when I did I had to rethink it. I decided they were playing their games and would barely notice. I figured if they texted me then they were ready to leave.

That is not what was happening. I don’t have details. I only know they were not feeling as care-free and happy go lucky as I had suspected. And, my absence was noted. I can’t remember when we did it exactly but rest assured we did hash it all out. We always do. We spoke our minds and voiced our concerns. I told Sunshine how I felt about her giving no regard. They told me how I had done the same thing and how they felt about me wandering off. I apologized for it. It was never my intention. But I needed it. That was why I went on the Getaway – so I could just drift. It’s also the one thing I barely got to do.

This was actually on my mind as I walked. I was so frustrated. I wanted stillness and rest from this getaway. I wasn’t getting it. I wasn’t getting it because I was also keeping The Princesses entertained. For a moment I wondered if I shouldn’t have brought them. I can’t say I regretted it. I just thought about how different it would have been for me. That just opened another course of thought.

For the whole of their lives I have been choosing the girls over anything for myself. For years I did not apply for certain jobs [and even turned a few down] because they required me to work weekends. My only time with The Princesses was for 47 from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. Plus I had 4 hours for dinner every Wednesday. [Or Tuesdays at one point.] But, I also had homework and dance classes and events and parties and whatever else. So, I was not going to give up what time we did have. I could never give them much but I could give them my time.

They were my reason for returning from Journeys. Or, not even taking some.

They were the reason I didn’t try harder to end my life.

They are my everything. Yet, in some ways they have held me back. Turning down jobs. Forcing my way back from Quests. It’s even been suggested [by more than one being] that I might find my ‘everything’ in another place – better job, more income, etc. I haven’t cared. I won’t leave them. Not until they graduate high school. They are my wards and under my care until then and leaving before then would be an injustice to them. I don’t care what is waiting out there for me.

They come first.

But as I wandered the Boardwalk, I wondered for a moment if it is not time to let them go – for everyone’s sake. But only for a moment. We still need each other.

Now, my daughters are strong, capable young omen. So, honestly, I didn’t give any of it much thought. I figured that when I walked away they had just started playing their games. Several times on my walk I had thought about texting them to tell them I had wandered off. Now, I really wasn’t ready for that interaction. I still needed some time in my own bubble. But, also, I figured that when they were done they would let me know.

Unfortunately, things were not that simple on their end. They had assumed I had just gone off the boardwalk for a cigarette and that I would be back shortly. They did not set right into playing games, nor did they play them for long. They did eventually call me and read me the riot act. Fortunately for me I was on my way back already.

We did have a discussion about it all. I did apologize to them for wandering off. I told them it was never really my intention it just happened. And Sunshine confessed that her quick movement was motivated by anxiety. She just wanted to get through the crowd. I got that better than she realizes. But, again, I would tell her that she would find it easier to deal with if she moved slowly. It’s one of the reasons I do it. If you move slow, you can keep focus and establish a sense of power and control. Dashing through only adds to the frenzy of energy.

This was our night at the boards walk and I do not think any of us were disappointed. We headed back to the hotel. About half way back, my eyes got wide and I announced to the girls that I did not have a key for the room.

To add to our new maybe, we learned when we returned to the hotel that no one was in the office. [No one would be in the office until 1000 the next morning.]

This became quite a conundrum. Not only was I dealing with trying to figure out how to make the most of this situation – or fix it – but I needed to deal with the thoughts and emotions of the girls.

First, I tried the number on the website – just in case. Then I started racking my brain and remembered seeing a list posted on the back of the door. All those miscellaneous pieces of information that a guest may need to know. There was a section about contacting the office. It had a number. But how to get it?

Soon some more guests would return to the hotel. I explained our situation and I asked if they could possibly give me the number from their door. The woman agree and I also managed to get a spare pillow and blanket from her. Plus, she suggested calling the local police department to see if they had an emergency contact number. The officer I spoke to said they did not.

I must have left five messages that night. I even walked over to the office and rang the buzzer a few times. Somewhere in dealing with and discussing it all we even talked about me driving them back home so they could take care of themselves and be comfortable and I would then just come back for the stuff.

Anyway, after we had ourselves somewhat figured out, Cuddlebug announces the next problem. Just randomly she shouts at me, “Dad you don’t understand.”

It seems there were, well, female things going on. So, now at midnight, we needed to find her a restroom. Fortunately, we found a Valley’s Favorite Convenience Store only a half mile from the hotel. [Oh, yes. The Valley’s Favorite Convenience Store stretches well beyond the borders of The Valley.] So it was a restroom and snack stop for everyone.

Cuddlebug comes out of the restroom and informs me that now she needs pants. Wally World was closed. We had already checked. Then we learned of a 24 hour pharmacy store just down the street. Would you believe they had sleep shorts. Each of the girls got a pair and they even found a neck pillow to try to use for sleeping. Finally, we settled in for a night of [some] sleep. We put the seats down and the girls slept in the back while I scrunched myself into the front seat.

The next morning we woke early, went to the convenience store again, then came back to the hotel to see if anyone was in the office. When we learned no one was, we headed into town for some breakfast. Finally, around 1000 someone was in the office again and we were able to get a new key card for the room.

Now, at the office, they insisted that the emergency contact number was up on the door all night. I tell you, I understand that my mind was cloudy, but I cannot recall seeing it, even at a glance. I have searched my mind over and over again for the memory of a peripheral view. I got nothing. But, if they say it was there then I guess it was there. [But then they would also tell me the next day when I checked out that the police do in fact have an emergency contact number.

Do I even have to tell you that we slept a good part of the day away. And if we weren’t sleeping we were all laying around being lazy. We did eventually get up and hit the beach for a little while. Again, none of us needed much time there. We all just needed to touch it for a bit. We planned on going after 1700 because beach passes were no longer required at that time.

We had a nice time. The girls went in the water. I sat and meditated. That was intense…and deep. I don’t know how long I was gone but I do know the girls took notice. So it must have been long enough. After the beach we walked into town and got some ice cream. Then it was back to the hotel.

On Monday, we got up and and made some pancakes for breakfast. We packed up and headed out. We decided we were going to the zoo that day. There is a free one in that area and we always enjoy zoo visits. It was much [MUCH] bigger than any of us thought it would be and it took up the rest of our available time. We had a schedule to keep after all.

I had wanted to do a nice dinner with The Princesses for my birthday. As we discussed options we came around to the fact that we would be passing by my grandmother’s house on our journey home. The girls always like to visit with her and we know she doesn’t really get out much anymore. We know there is an Italian restaurant just up the street from her that she really likes. So, we decided that we would get take out and go sit with her for our dinner.

There was one other significant moment to The Getaway. Nyssa finally confided some [minor] things to me. There’s been a bit of debate about her having this therapist and we all have no idea what is going on. She doesn’t want us to know. I don’t like it but I try to support it. My only concern is that without being involved we also don’t learn ways to handle situations with her. Anyway, on the ride home she did mention something that she’s discussed with her therapist in regards to her mother. Then, after a moment, she asked if I wanted to know something about me. Of course I did. It was major on any front.

For as long as the girls have had attitudes, there has been a rule in dealing with things. After we have a fight or disagreement we always sit and talk about it. After the talk, there is always a hug. Apparently, for some time now, Sunshine is in a place where she isn’t comfortable with the hug so soon. I didn’t like this at first, but I got it. I told her that was fine but the hug is still a rule. So from now on I will wait for her to come to me.

So that was our Beach Getaway. Saturday night is what titled this post. It sucked. It was a horrible and miserable experience. But, we managed it. We got through it. It could have been so much worse. It was a cursed situation but we were blessed through it.

There were all sorts of little backwards moments along the way. I broke the coffee pot. Glass all over the floor. We decided we wanted cannoli after we placed the order. I said it was no big deal. They always have cannoli ready. They didn’t. We waited like 20 extra minutes for that cannoli. [It was worth it.]

So, the whole trip was filled with little Blessed Curses.

I realized it is a phrase apropos to the whole of my life. That is exactly what it has been.

It has been cursed. Every time I turn around something drastic happens.

Homelessness.

Car accidents.

Job loss.

Jail.

Tress falling in on The Cave and destroying so much.

But, I have survived. Somehow or another I have gotten through it all and things end up working out. I’ve started over from scratch a lot, but I have gotten through it all. I have had incredible experiences and magickal adventures. My life has been blessed so many times and in so many ways.

The Blessed Curse.

The week’s time since we have been back is the perfect example.

I had plans when we got back. All of the extra adventuring and what not was finally settled and I would be able to focus on working and saving. I figured I could come out of the gate real strong. I wanted to focus on nothing but driving. It’s true I spend a good deal of money each week on gas. About $270. But, still, I make more money than I have before. I’ve managed more. So, I want to put all of my focus on that. I almost have no choice.

Like I said, I can make good money. But, to make the money I really want, I end up working all three shifts seven days a week. It sounds bad but it is not that horrible. You figure each shift is only about 2.5-3 hours. So it can be up to 9 hours a day but there are two two hour breaks along the way. Plus I end up with most of the night. Sure it’s seven days but so what? I like what I do. I don’t kill myself. Every day is just slightly different. Plus, I have some flexibility.

Yesterday, Sparky and The Putter and I were talking about slavery. We talked about what it was throughout history, how it happened here, what it really means. Sparky posed the question, was I a slave to the union when I worked for them and they told me where to go and how long to work.

Obviously, not in the big scheme of things, but on some level yes. I realize you get paid and it is very different. But I hope you understand the correlation. We have reached a point when your job owns you. They tell you when and how much to work. They tell you when you can take time off. They tell you how much you are worth. The dictate your life.

I’ve never been ok with any of that. I dictate my life. I once had a job not hire me because I practically laughed at the guy when he said there could be up to 6 months of mandatory overtime at a time.

“Is that a problem?”

Uhhhh…yeah. Of course, at the time, I was still dealing with weekends with the Princesses. So, again, giving up one whole day  out of less than two [minus sleeping hours] I just wasn’t ok with that. I would eventually give up that time when I worked at The Theatre, but it wasn’t huge chunks of time. It was a little bit each day.  

Anyway, I have a way of making decent money and still being in control of my life. Which, over the past week, has been important.

Like I said, we got home and it was supposed to be business as usual. Back to the grind. I have plans. Or, at least, I am planning plans. Ever since The Nest, a home has been on my mind. I have crunched numbers 1,000 times. There is possibility and potential. I should be able to afford something. It will take every extra cent I can earn and there will be very little [to nothing] left over. I figure over time it would balance out what with less spent in food [coffee] and a little less on gas. Plus, the opportunity to make more money doing things I can only do with a home.

Nonetheless, it is still a journey to get there. I need to save up some money first and before that I have a few things to take care of. So, it is a journey – a process. And so far it is not working out quite right.

Last week was bad financially and this week hasn’t been going much better.

Tuesday was my first day back and I think I was suffering from Vacation Hangover. I just couldn’t quite get motivated or catch the wave. Wednesday was a good day. Thursday was slow and the. I couldn’t quite get a dinner groove going on. In fact, I thought I would use that time – lack of motivation – to work on this. I did get it started and now here I am trying to finish it.

I can’t remember the last three days of the week. I know they happened and I know I got work in. In the end, I made Just Enough to skate through the week. In fact, I was behind about $20 but I would have time to make that up before it caught up to me.

Monday was a better day. I managed all three shifts though some were a little slow. I even managed to take the girls for a ‘Last Day Before School’ breakfast.however, Monday night is when the real fun began.

Sparing the details [which is hard for me] basically a tire blew.

We knew it was possible. The two front tires were a little suspect from the beginning. Even though I have been maintaining them the best that I could, it was inevitable I suppose. Fortunately, I was all but done with the dinner shift when it happened and I was able to get to Olde Geistopia before the situation got worse.

The whole tire didn’t blow. Just a strip of it came off. I wanted to put the ‘convenience tire’ on. [did you know that’s what they’re called? I didn’t.] of course, as soon as I was parked and ready to work it began pouring down rain. So, I had to wait until the morning.

I got up very early to change it. I wanted to go see the girls off in their first day of school. It is Cuddlebug’s last year and Sunshines first year of high school. I had no intention of missing that. Now, with the ‘convenience tire’ it is recommended to not exceed 50 mph [not a problem. All back roads and I mellow out at 45,] not go more than 50 miles. [Oh. That could change things.]Turns out it is 26 miles round trip. So that worked.

I called my mechanic on the way back just to give them a heads up. I said they could fit me in whenever. The guy told me to stop by at 0830. So I did. Problem 1 – they didn’t have the right tire in stock. Problem 2 – I needed 2 of them.

I couldn’t drive on the tire anymore. Certainly not for working. I headed to Olde Geistopia to work on whatever I could. The Mechanic expected the tires around lunch time and they would call. At 1530 I still had not heard from them. I was gonna let it go. They’re usually pretty good about that kind of thing. But, Sparky suggested I call and check.

It turns out, they had called. Only they don’t have my newest number so they left a message and wondered why I wasn’t calling back. They had me come down right away to put the tires on. Which they did. But they also did something else. They discovered that the ball joint on that same first tire is very bad. I mean very bad. I know this because The Mechanic expressed actual concern.

I didn’t work dinner that night in order to spare the ball joint a bit. I worked breakfast the next mornjng but was careful not to take any longer drives. I did the same for lunch. Then the call came. There was a delay with the part. The Mechanic wouldn’t have it until the following morning. The bigger problem being that he was fully booked that day. It would be the next morning that he would be able to do the work.

So, I didn’t work dinner that night either. And here I am in the morning and I skipped breakfast. I don’t like it. But I like the idea of a broken car even less. I will work lunch and dinner today. I will work some of breakfast in the morning. I would think nothing of it except for The Mechanic’s indication during that phone call that he didn’t really like waiting that long to fix it.

I need to make money. I came back from The Getaway Broke. But I cannot risk a greater problem than what I am already facing. I figure as long as I make enough to keep from going in the red it is nothing worse than any other situation I’ve faced. I don’t like it. But better safe than sorry.

But, here again, we have The Blessed Curse.

The situation sucks. It’s putting me back in debt and at the same time keeping me from achieving my income potential. Still, so many, “Thank G-d” to be said.

Thank G-d the full tire didn’t blow.

Thank G-d they both didn’t.

Thank G-d it didn’t happen while we were away.

Thank G-d the ball joint didn’t break yet. [it’s very bad and apparently has been for a while.]

The Blessed Curse

So, here we are and life goes on.

It’s been a rough road the past couple of months. It hasn’t been bad, merely challenging. A lot of juggling and manipulating and pushing. A LOT of strong energies. Since I have returned from the beach I am really feeling the kickback from that.

[I forgot to mention that I lost another tooth. It happened that Sunday morning at the beach. I woke up, but my soft pretzel and chewed on tooth. I wasn’t surprised. I told the girls Saturday night that I could feel it coming.]

So, all of that is my physical realm. Spiritually, I am not sure what is happening. Since my return from The Getaway, I have been falling into old patterns – distractions, listlessness, spending money a bit foolishly. As Belle would call it – self-sabotage.

For months, I have been working under a spell. I do not know who cast it or what the purpose may have been. G-d may have done so. I may have put myself under it. Or, it may have been some being I have not even considered. I’m not saying it was a bad spell. I just can tell that energies have shifted. They are not the same as they were before The Getaway and I don’t know what that means.

There has been this looming promise of hope – that this is the season of change for the better. I mean, to be honest, that has been the promise for at least a decade. Not necessarily that the season was here, but that it was coming. The promise has always been of a better life, a stronger life. The whispers have been of more than I can imagine.

I have always been encouraged to believe and have faith. I’ve struggled, no doubt, but I have remained steadfast, following The Call as best I could. For me, it wasn’t about riches or influence. Perhaps for a time I was blinded by these things. But my real motivation was just to have my place, to live like everyone else.

I have stayed strong in my belief, often making choices others could not understand. All in the open of finding that moment of truth. I still believe it is to be had. I may be beginning to believe it is different than I imagined.

For the past several months I have been talking about things such as The Markers. We were left with only three more -my Re-Birthday/The Getaway, August 26th [which is now here,] and September 13th.

I had hoped I would return from The Getaway with some notion of something, some degree of assuredness. That did not happen. However, I am certain what needed to happen happened. That much I can feel. I don’t know what it was. Perhaps it was the meditation, or the sleeping in the car, or Sunshine’s moment of lowering her wall. Whatever it was, it happened and I am OK with that.

Still, I feel somewhat empty. Something is still missing and I don’t know what it is. Recently, the words are, “Concentrate.” Concentrate on what I want. It was with this that I realized I haven’t been doing that the last two weeks. So, after the Rocket is repaired I will brush myself off and start at it again. Of course, there is an “however.”

However, I need something more…concrete. Not necessarily tangible, but solid. Something I can grasp if even only with my mind – a notion, a plan. For 25 years – a quarter of a century, half my life – I have been pushing and chasing. I have been chasing money and love and a career and a home and a life. After 25 years, I have nothing to show for it. Except perhaps a tome of intense stories, some good some bad.

I’ve had to wrestle with what that means to me. I have been through so much and oft times to the darkest depths. I did it all for better. I have none of those things I have chased, but perhaps I have found my place.

Perhaps, this is as good as it gets.

So, my resolve is – if I don’t have something, anything, more definable by the last marker – Sept. 13th – I am done. I will accept my fate as it is. This is not a defeat scenario. In fact, it could quite possibly be my greatest victory.

For 25 years, I have pushed and chased and adventured. But I do not feel as though I have lived. So, if this is as good as it gets I can accept that and then I can live. There are so many things I I want to do, places I want to eat, etc. If this is as good as it gets, I can finally do those things without any guilt or worry.

If this is as good as it gets, then I am finally allowed to enjoy my life.

This doesn’t mean I am giving up hope nor losing faith. I am merely transmuting them into something more powerful. Faith is not about life being what you want, but what you need. If this is as good as it gets, than it is all I need. I have had why I have needed every stop of the way [whether I saw it or not] so why should it be any different moving forward.

If this is as good as it gets I can survive. I’ve been surviving. Truly my two biggest challenges are overnight parking near the restroom. [And, even that one isn’t so bad except first thing in the morning.] I am protected from the weather. Good enough, at least. Heat and cold come with a cost, but then don’t they for everyone? I can eat. I’m certainly not going hungry. My bills get paid. My daughters and I steal away whatever time we can.

So, if this is as good as it gets, I can survive.

But now I want to live as well.

I’ve always had excuses – not enough time, not enough money, not enough self-worth. But, no more. It is my life and I am going to live it. While there is still time.

Again, nothing else changes. Not my beliefs or my faith. They are mine and I will own them proudly. It matters not if even one person ever sees the Universe through my eyes. No one needs share it with me. No one needs agree with me. No one needs believe me.

It is my life.

This could be as good as it gets.

The Blessed Curse.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Ant - Industriousness, Order, and Discipline

Symbol of work and industry. Wisdom and intellect in their endeavors is often acclaimed. Social. Community activity. Gathering, hunting, growing. May find that the cycle of industriousness and building of goals may increase over a period of twelve years. Cycle of twelve - days, months, years - will be of significance. Teacher of how to build, how to be the architect of your own life. Show you how to construct our dreams into a reality. Greatest success occurs with persistence. Examine your own industriousness. Are you disciplining yourself enough to accomplish the tasks at hand? Are you or those around you looking for the quick and easy way?  Are you neglecting important activities? Are you laying a good foundation? Are you adding new structures to your life with each passing year in some fashion - education, jobs, hobbies, etc? Are you being patient with your efforts? Are you being patient with yourself? With others? Are you making things greater and more difficult than they need to be? Are you missing the opportunity to initiate new creativity and endeavors? Can teach how to harness your own power to design and recreate your life. Can show you how best to work with others for the good of everyone. Regardless of circumstances, if the effort is true, the rewards will follow - in the most beneficial time and manner. The promise of success through effort. 

Blue Jay - Proper Use of Power

It can reflect lessons in using your own power properly. It can also reflect lessons in not allowing yourself to be placed in a position in which power is misused against you. It has the ability to link the heavens and the earth, to access each for greater power. This is a totem that can move between both and tap the primal energies at either level. Higher knowledge that can be used. The main problem will be dabbling in both worlds, rather than becoming a true master of both. Usually have a tremendous amount of ability, but it can be scattered or it is often not developed any more than is necessary to get by. Not unusual to find individuals with the Jay totem being dabblers - especially in the psychic and metaphysical fields. They know a little bit about a lot of things and they use that knowledge sometimes to give the impression that they know more. Wear the crown of true master ship requires dedication, responsibility, and committed development in all things in the physical and spiritual. A reminder to follow through on all things - to not start something and then leave it dangling. A time of greater resourcefulness and adaptability is about to unfold. Going to have ample opportunities to develop and use your abilities. Look for ample time to develop and use your energies to access new levels. Actually a member of the crow family, most crows have no fear. It is because of this the Jay can help you connect to the deepest mysteries of the earth and the greatest of the heavens. This sense of seeking pleasure - often at the expense of others - can reflect an imbalance. Sometimes jay shows up when this is happening in your own life. A tremendous ability for survival with the least amount of effort. They reflect great talent, but that talent must be developed and utilized properly. It indicates that you are moving into a time where you can develop your innate royalty that is within you, or simply be a pretender to the throne. It all depends on you. 

Butterfly – Transmutation and The Dance of Joy

The process of metamorphosis should be studied closely. Make note of the most important issues confronting you at the moment. What stage of change are at in regards to them? You may have to examine and determine what you wish the outcome to be, and how best to accomplish it. Was a symbol of the soul. Was a symbol of conjugal bliss and joy. A symbol of change, joy, and color. There has long been an association in folklore between those of the Faerie Realm and butterflies. They remind us not to take things so seriously within our lives. They awaken a sense of lightness and joy. They remind us that life is a dance, and dance, though powerful, is also a great pleasure. Can be reminders to get up and move for if you can move you can dance. Look at how much or how little joy is within your life. Lighten up. Look for change. Don’t forget that all change is good. Reminds us to make changes when the opportunities present themselves. Transformation is inevitable. Growth and change does not have to be traumatic. It can occur as gently, as sweetly, and as joyfully as we wish.  

Cardinal - Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance

They remind us that, regardless of the time of day or year, we always have the opportunity to renew our own vitality and recognize our own life roles. Whistles are often reminders to listen closely - to pay attention to what is blowing on the winds. Reflects that we should be listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being. Almost always reflects a need to assert the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly. Can reflect a need to b more careful about your diet, that what you are eating may be injurious to yourself and affecting your overall vitality. Reflects the rhythm of 12 that is going to become more predominant within your own life. Reflects lessons associated with responsibility and the recognition of the task at hand. May reflect past-life connections with the church, or even a reviving of more traditional religious beliefs, regardless of denomination. Remind us to add color to our lives, and remember that everything is of importance. 

Cat – Mystery, Magic, and Independence

Goddess Bast, Goddess Freyja, Goddess Shasthi. Study Mouse and Dog as well.

Cricket –[from Spirit-animal.com]

Like the Ladybug and the Dragonfly, Cricket symbolism is a sign of exceptional luck. Furthermore, this spirit animal says that the things that you have been working toward and dreaming about are now possible.  Therefore Cricket meaning directs you to stay open to guidance and messages so that you will know what you have to do. You may be guided to buy a lottery ticket, interview for a new job, or be in the right place at the right time. In other words, Cricket symbolism is letting you know that all things are possible right now. All you have to do is feel that you deserve it! Similar to the Robin and the Whale, people with Cricket totem know how to sing their songs loud and clear! In other words, they love to use the power of their voice to attract what they want in life. These folks also have a gift for finding their way through awkward moments with panache and aplomb. People with this spirit animal are excellent communicators, love to walk their talk and are often vegetarian. In fact, like the Deer totem, they understand the power of music and will usually have a career that uses music as a form of healing.

Crow - The Secret Magic of Creation is Calling

Magic and creation are potentials very much alive during the day. Alchemy. Represents “ingredients,” the initial state of substance - unformed but full of potential. A reminder of what an happen if we are not looking for magic and creation every day. Magic and creation are ‘cawing’ out to us every day. Health, home and respect. Working with crows can help you to see how the winds are going to blow into your life and how to adjust your own life flights. Finding a dead crow was a sign of good luck. Wherever crows are there is magic. Symbols of creation and spiritual strength. Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life. They are messengers calling to us about the magic that is alive within our world everyday and available to us. 

Deer – Gentleness and Innocence – Gentle Luring to New Adventures

They have been able to adapt to every sort of habitat. Buddha is often pictured with a deer. Antlers are symbols of antennae, connections to higher forms of attunement. Look for new perceptions and degrees of perceptions to expand for as much as the next five years. Can indicate that there will be opportunities to stimulate gentle new growth increasingly over the next few years. Leads us back to the primal wisdom. A deer’s senses are very acute. Find increasing ability to detect subtle movements and appearances. Begin to hear what may not be said directly. Time to be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. There is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? An opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you.

Goose - The Call of the Quest and Travels to Legendary Places

A totem reflecting a stimulation of the childhood thrill and belief in stories and legendary places. These stories either reflected an imprint for this life or they may have even imprinted you with certain seed ideas. Also be a totem to aid you in communication especially through the use of stories. Individuals wishing to write - be it stories or anything - can facilitate this process by working with the goose as a totem. It will stimulate the imagination and help move you through creative blocks. Also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. It may reflect a need for more vegetables in the diet, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian for a while. It reflects an ability to move forward or backward. It reflects movement, and a call to the spiritual quest. Stirs our imagination and makes us want to seek out new worlds and dimensions. Calling us to follow them on the great spiritual quest. It speaks of the fulfilled promises that great quests bring. Epitomizes the mystery of migration. Reminds us that as any one individual mass his or her quest, it becomes easier for others to do so as well. Reminding us that we should not undertake any quest in life without having a full view of what it entails. In this way the journey is facilitated for others. Reflects an opening to new possibilities. New directions and new possibilities. Reflects an openness to new ideas. Usually indicates we are about to affix ourselves to a new path. Reflects great fertility that should be acted upon if growth is desired. Greater vision, physical and spiritual, will occur. Can reflect that you are about to break free of old childhood restraints and begin to come into your own. You can expect to have the imagination stirred towards new travels to distant places - whether in the body or mind. 

Groundhog – Mystery of Death without Dying – Trance - Dreams

The ability to get deep within an area of interest. A time when a new area of study is going to open up.  Two years to come to full fruition. Important to give definite signals to the boundaries you wish to have respected in your life. Death without Dying. A time of initiation. A symbol of opening fully to the Dreamtime. Increasing ability to develop lucid dreaming. Clarity and power of altered states will be amplified. Dreams will become more significant. Opportunity to explore deeper states of consciousness. Lessons associated with death and dying. Revelations about its process. Knowledge of metabolic control.

Owl - The Mystery of Magic, Omens, Silent Wisdom, and Vision in the Night

Symbol of the feminine and the night. Ties to fertility and seduction. Bird of magic and darkness, of prophecy and wisdom. Symbolically associated with clairvoyance, astral projection and magic, both black and white. Hints of the light of the sun, alive in the dar of night. Meditation on this alone will reveal much about the magic of Owl within your life. Will be able to see and hear what others are trying to hide. What is not being said. See what is hidden or in the shadows. Detect and pinpoint the subtleties. Unique ability to see into the darkness of others’ souls. And life. Their medicine can extract secrets. If your neck is stiff and inflexible, you are hindering your perceptions to a great degree. Often reflects that you were born very perceptive - with a vision of others that you may or may not have recognized or acknowledged. Unique ability for seeing into the eyes and souls of others. Keep silent and go about your business. Eliminate those aspects that are not beneficial and unhealthy.