S7EP5: Choices Were Made

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, September 4, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Distinguished

Theme – [Missing]

I cannot find a Theme for this week. I have scoured the depths of my mind and have come up with nothing. I suppose the Theme could be Choices Were Made but that is the title of the post and seems redundant. Perhaps there is no Theme. It happens from time to time. It has happened before and I am sure it could happen again. Perhaps…that is the Theme.

It Could Happen.

Lesson – Make Your Wants Want You

This came at an interesting time. I was having a challenging day, almost depressive. I was starting to feel discouraged and somewhat hopeless. I found myself idly scrolling my Facebook feed when this phrase swiped by. It was part of a larger statement. Something about not being discouraged and keep on going. If that wasn’t enough, only a few minutes later I found a deck of inspirational cards – scripture oriented. I pulled one, randomly from the middle, without even taking them out of the box. It was Jesus’ bit about “The Faith of a mustard seed.” I felt as though these were connected statements and decided that I need to re-attune myself with that.

Observation – Darkness Does not Begin in an Unloving Heart

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

You’ll have to forgive me, but my current study is built upon the tales of Storybrooke and it’s residents. But I find examples everywhere.

If you had followed the show referenced, then you have seen it for yourself. Rumplestiltskin becomes The Dark One in an attempt to save his son from the inevitable death of war. Everything he did after that was for his son and then his new wife and finally their son. Though clouded by the selfishness of keeping his family – those he loved – choices were made.

The Evil Queen emerges after the tragic loss of a great love. Though blinded by revenge – choices were made.

I’ve forever told the girls that if you pay attention to the story The Villain always thinks he is justified and doing the right thing. That she is the hero.

We can take it to another level and go Biblical.

If you get to the core of the story – Lucifer did not rebel because he disliked G-d. Quite the opposite. He loved G-d very much. He just felt G-d was wasting his time with this pathetic species known as man. Clouded by judgement, choices were made and a rebellion began.

Perhaps we look at Judas. Again, if you get to the core of the story, of the relationships, Judas did not turn Jesus in out of betrayal. He loved Jesus very much. He loved what they were doing. He loved their cause. He was moved and touched by it more than any of the others. But he believed that Jesus’ course of action was going to undo all their works. Skewed by piety, choices were made.

Darkness grows from a loving heart that has nowhere to direct the love. Darkness grows from a loving heart that has been bruised and damaged and broken. Darkness is not evil itself. Indeed, darkness is the remnant of scars caused by the natural evils of life.

Perhaps we bring it to a more human level.

The girls and I were going to the movies. It came up that Sunshine has a Facebook account. We have discussed it before. I tried to find her several times. So, I asked her again what name her account is under. I told her that I’ve looked a few times. She made a big stink of it. I don’t need to find her because she doesn’t post anything and she won’t follow me back. She uses it only to check something with the music association at school.

The attitude seemed to be – why is it any of my concern? Who am I to want to follow her on Facebook. It hurt. She hurts me often. More than she knows. Her comments are sharp and biting. Her jokes are insulting. She doesn’t respond to my texts unless she wants something. But, in that moment, I could feel my heart darken. I was back to that thought of maybe it’s just time to distance myself from The Princesses.

I have known much darkness in my life. More than I would ever care to remember. I have had the fortunate misfortunate of being many things I never thought I could.

The darkest moments came when I felt most alone. When I felt betrayed and hurt. I have a family that has dismissed me. Friends have come and then gone. Relationships have broken my heart and soul.

Darkness is love…damaged.

The Post

So, here we are, back in the Cycle again.

Not only did I not come back from The Getaway feeling refreshed or recharged or with some sort of insight, but since I have been back, things have gotten very challenging.

Before The Getaway, I was working a lot, but I was also making good money. Enough to give me hope of a future. I was so excited to get back and be in a period when I could make that same money and start to put it to use. This was not to be the case.

The first week back was very difficult. I think – for the first few days, at least – I was suffering from Vacation Hangover. I just couldn’t quite get myself completely motivated. When I could get motivated, there was not a lot of work to be had. I managed to muddle through the week making only what I absolutely needed. I figured the second week would be much better. I had my down time. I accepted that every week can’t be a winner. I hit Monday ready and raring to go.

Monday night, a tire went on The Rocket. Tuesday morning we discovered I needed two tires. They needed to order new ones and they would come in by lunchtime. All I could do was sit and wait.

By 1530 I was back at the garage getting the tires replaced. That was when we discovered the bad ball joint. It was strongly recommended that I work with caution. I rejected more jobs than I would have liked, but I made enough to scrape by.

The ball joint was supposed to be in by Wednesday morning only there was a delay and it would not arrive until Thursday morning. However, Thursday they were booked full and I would have to wait until Friday morning.

So, again, on Wednesday and Thursday, I worked enough to survive. I didn’t want to take chances. My Mechanic very rarely shows concern. Usually, he is reassuring and life goes on. But, with this, he was obviously concerned. So, I thought I should take that seriously.

Finally, by Friday dinner I was at functioning capability once more. That shift and the next two days would be very good. Good enough – all things considered. I still came into this week $60 in the red, but I knew I could fix that quickly and get on track.

However [I told you there is always an ’However’ Fellow Travelers…] However, by the end of my day on Sunday, I had noticed that I was beginning to see the same symptoms that The Rocket had before we fixed the ball joint [and subsequently the sway bar link.]

I stopped at The Mechanic first thing Monday morning to ask questions. The answers were not comforting and the earliest they could see The Rocket was Thursday morning. In the meantime, I would have to manage and gauge.

I worked through Monday but noticed the problem was getting increasingly worse. So much in fact that on Tuesday I only did one fare. Then I stopped. I knew I had driving to do later when The Princesses and I went to the movies. [They could feel the problem when I picked them up. That was concerning.]

It was not an easy decision to come to but by Wednesday morning I thought it best not to push The Rocket at all. I could scrape by and as long as The Rocket was back on the road by lunchtime on Thursday, I would be able to [at least] get by [without major consequences.]

[Thus far in the writing the time is about lunchtime on Wednesday.]

The Blessed Curse.

Once again, things are going wrong all over and holding me back.

Once again, I am surviving in so many interesting ways.

One such way is thanks [again] to Brother John. He bought a new home [and I may have told you this] but his old home is still under contract. One day, The Voice kept whispering to message him. The motive being that I was looking for someplace quiet and safe – out of the way – where I could park overnight. My current “usual” spot has been seeing an increase in police activity – both day and night. It’s not so much that I am doing anything wrong while I’m parked there. But, technically [and I suppose legally] I’m not supposed to be parked there.

He not only agreed but offered me the bed that was still at the house as well as showering and laundry.

I never intended on using the house, but since he offered I would be a fool not to – at least for a while.

I try not to make myself too much at home. I don’t hang out there during the day – even on days like this when I cannot be working. They had some drawers on the bed when I arrived. I put those back on the bed every morning. Beyond that, my ‘settling in’ consists of leaving my towel and loofa hanging in the shower to dry and they left a tv behind, so I brought a chair and my streaming device. They also left a microwave behind that I use to eat a little cheaper from time to time. I even take my pillow and toiletries back to The Rocket every day.

I commented to The Princesses that it is sort of a look at what life would be like for me when I do find a home. It’s all very minimal. The house would be bare because I don’t have furniture and getting it would take some time.

That is if I find a home. I’m questioning if that is my path. [Perhaps more on that in a bit.]

The movie time was ok. As I stated earlier there was a moment on the way. I was in a bad and silent mood almost the rest of the trek. Nothing more was said about it. The movie was good. And there’s not much else to report.

My only concern is Sunshine. As always, she stayed in her phone and interacted/engaged very little. That is always the case. She truly shows no interest in actually spending time with me. She remains distant and closed off.

They were trying to give me homemade granola bars when I dropped them off and I asked if they were crunchy. I said I was trying to avoid crunchy things. To which Sunshine shouted out, “That’s because you have no teeth.”

“Yes. I know.”

That’s what I’m talking about. She is constantly putting me down and commenting on everything that is wrong with me. When we went to breakfast, I said something about avoiding relationships and she said, “I think they avoid you.”

I can’t remember the last time she actually said anything nice to me.

This is why I question a home. My main motivation has always been The Princesses. I wanted a place for them. But, Cuddlebug has her plans for after graduation this year and Sunshine shows no interest in life with me. She has all but dismissed me as Dad.

So, do I really need a home? It would just be me…alone. No one would come visit or hang out. I have nothing to do really because all of my stuff is lost or broken.

For 25 years I have held on to the hope of a better future and lately I find myself wondering if I want a future at all. I have lived and experienced. I have tried and failed and sometimes succeeded. I have loved and lost.

I am content in what I have done and even in what I have not. At this point, I think, I may be just as happy to disconnect, drift away, and disappear.

I haven’t made that choice yet.

Choices are the point of the post after all.

All along the way…Choices were made.

I haven’t always made the best choices, but like The Villain of every tale I made choices based on what I believed to be best.

But choices were made, Fellow Travelers, and we are here living with the results. Life is the exact opposite of everything I thought I was working for and towards. Perhaps, like so much of my life, I squandered it all away.

Choices were made.

I thought I was working towards better. I was feeling inspired and hopeful. But now as The Cycle rears its ugly head once more I am lost and confused.It’s not that I have given up. I can still envision part of a future. I know what I would like it to be should it ever happen. But, right now, I just don’t know how to feel.

Choices were made.

Every step of the way.

I’m making choices right this moment. I am choosing not to drive/work. I am choosing to work on the post.

Choices were made today…and there were reasons for each and every one.

There have been choices throughout my life and each has had its reasons. They may have been good reasons. Or, they may have been clouded and skewed by some degree of ego. It matters not, for the choices were made. Good, bad, or indifferent…choices were made.

Lately, I am questioning the choices.

So, that is where I am at for now. It is still Wednesday. I have another writing I want to work on. It’s just some filler stuff so it shouldn’t take terribly long. Then I am going to kill time somehow or some way. Perhaps go to the Cave and try to do something. I want to get some microwave food at the store for tonight and tomorrow morning. Tonight, I believe is dedicated to meditation. There may even be a ritual bath in my near future.

I may write again before this week is out.

And, here it is – Sunday. This was a tough week and I am glad to be at the end of it. I feel better than I did at the beginning of the week. Still lost and confused though.

I muddled through Wednesday and on Thursday morning I took The Rocket back to The Mechanic to have them double check it. This time it was the rotor. That’s what I thought it was the first time around. So, it’s not critical at this point in time, but I am going to have to get to that soon. I had the front brakes and rotors on my to-do list anyway. Though, I believe I will have to get the rear drum brakes changed soon as well.

It turns out I could have worked on Tuesday and Wednesday. I just didn’t know that at the time. I wasn’t willing to take any chances with The Rocket. Everything Happens for a Reason. I can’t imagine what the reason may have been. But I am confident there was one.

I started the week $60 in the hole. That was a legitimate $60 negative in my bank account. Usually, when I am behind, it is in PayPal and I have a window to fix it. I was red on Monday morning. By the time I was able to get back to work on Thursday I was about $104 in the red and almost another $100 behind in PayPal.

I am finishing out the week about $10 ahead between all accounts. I spent a lot and I made a lot. I would have liked to have been a bit more ahead at this point, but I will take it.

The Blessed Curse.

Why? Because - all of this in a week when I didn’t have any major bills. In fact, I think I paid out only $1.05 in ‘bills’ this week. Also, I have been able to save a bit of money being at Brother John’s. I am eating cheaper. It’s not a great deal but it saved me a few bucks each day. Plus, I save a little bit on gas because I am not idling on and off throughout the night.

Saturday morning I woke in the foulest of moods and I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened. I know my Dreamtime has been very whack. Even during my afternoon breaks I am going very deep. In fact, today I had one that I’m still not sure I have recovered from.

I know I have been struggling with my life. Not only what it is but what it has been. For over two decades I have been ok with it all. It all started with choices. Choices to explore and learn and evolve. Even the night of my death there were choices. And, along he way there were many choices.

Through it all I was OK with my choices. I was making the best choices I could – or so I thought at the time. It still may be the case, but I question and I wonder. I believed in the path and the choices were made in an attempt to stay true to it.

Maybe I never really knew what it was.

For now, I shall continue to make choices the best that I can as I move forward. The choices, at this point, are all about survival.

The week ahead will be interesting. I imagine at some point I am going to be behind myself again financially. But, I will inevitably get back on track. I just need to get out there and stick with it every day. It will take me a couple weeks to get that garage bill paid and then its time to take care of the other things.

The Full Moon is coming up at the end of the week.

I’m hoping I can squeeze one more week out of my arrangement with John. It is nice having this space. It’s nice to be able to walk around, stretch my legs, even just sit comfortably to write.

I do want a home. I do. Even if just for myself. I don’t know how it goes or how I get there. My plans are currently askew. The past few weeks have been rough financially and the next few will be dedicated to getting myself straightened out once more.

Make the things you want want you.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

There is one Totem this week. It is the Cricket. As I sat in The Rocket, typing away on Wednesday, there were two crickets hanging out on the driver’s door window. They were there for a couple hours. I tapped on the window. I opened the door. I even got out at one point. Through it all they just chilled there.

Cricket –[from Spirit-animal.com]

Like the Ladybug and the Dragonfly, Cricket symbolism is a sign of exceptional luck. Furthermore, this spirit animal says that the things that you have been working toward and dreaming about are now possible. Therefore, Cricket meaning directs you to stay open to guidance and messages so that you will know what you have to do. You may be guided to buy a lottery ticket, interview for a new job, or be in the right place at the right time. In other words, Cricket symbolism is letting you know that all things are possible right now. All you have to do is feel that you deserve it! Similar to the Robin and the Whale, people with Cricket totem know how to sing their songs loud and clear! In other words, they love to use the power of their voice to attract what they want in life. These folks also have a gift for finding their way through awkward moments with panache and aplomb. People with this spirit animal are excellent communicators, love to walk their talk and are often vegetarian. In fact, like the Deer totem, they understand the power of music and will usually have a career that uses music as a form of healing.