S9EP10: The Bored & The Restless

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

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Company

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FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

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The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

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Bert-On

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Brother John & Sister Jen

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The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

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The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

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Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, January 22, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Free. Time...Equalizing

Theme – Enjoy It

Sometimes, it’s kind of amusing how The Trinity happens. This became my Theme in just two passing moments. Both on the same day. One was a Facebook post. It shared the story of a rich industrialist and a fisherman. The very abridged version is that the Industrialist went through this whole list of all the work the fisherman could do and all the steps he could take to grow his business through this work. He told him of all the money could make. The Fisherman asks, “And then what?” The Industrialist says, “And then you can enjoy life.” The Fisherman smiles, “What do you think I’m doing right now.” The other moment was a TikTok moment. There was some filter that was to tell me what I needed to do today. The answer was ‘enjoy where you are at.’ It’s true. It happens – even to me. I have been so consumed by ‘trying’ to do things; so concerned about my shortcomings in life; so distracted by the obstacles before me, that I do not actually take time [mentally/spiritually] to appreciate my life for what it is. I don’t relax as I go through my life. Not in a lazy way but in a calm and peaceful way as I go about my work.

Lesson – It Works if You Work It

This is all about growth and development. It is about my spiritual path. It is one thing to be on the path. It is another to actually be walking it. The best example of this that I can give is the Totems. Every week I acknowledge my Totems in this blog because I acknowledge them every day in my life. I see them and if I am fortunate enough to remember them later, I come to the desk and copy the words from one file and paste them into the blog. I don’t really read them. There was a time when I did. Every week, I would open my book and type out the most significant bits of the Totem. Eventually, I decided that this was too time consuming. So, I started a file from which I could copy and paste. Now that is all I do. But, as I copy and paste this week’s Totems I am also reading them. I am realizing as I do – and after having already written some of this entry – that maybe I should read them more often. This week’s Totems so correlate with what I have been thinking and feeling and experiencing. They really are communicating something beneficial. It does no good to acknowledge them if I am not going to learn from them.

Observation – I Am Damaged

Wooooo. This is an understatement. I am WAY damaged. I’m not even sure that I can grasp the full depth of it. I’ve been damaged for a long time, but I can’t tell you exactly when it started, nor how. Most days, I ignore it. I am so damaged and so old that there is really no fixing it, nor healing it. It just is what it is. But…some days I become very aware of it and it just eats me up. I relive all of the moments that have spawned from that damage – the ill-choices, or damage to others. In that reliving I come to remember how damaged I am. I don’t ever use it as an excuse for anything I have [or have not] said or done. I use it more as an understanding. I can actually never forgive myself all of my ills. I know this. I’ve tried. But, I can at least understand that – though I am always responsible – the ills were not always my fault. Recently, I have found myself wondering just how a soul can become so twisted up and hurt. I wonder when it happened. I wonder who caused it. I know at the beginning of my journey there were whispers of a family secret and a time frame around or about my 5th year. That is all that has ever come of that. In fact, I haven’t even thought about it until right this moment. Nonetheless, I am damaged. It has, and continues to, affect me. For instance, if you know me, you know I am not very intimate. I don’t get too close to anyone. I also don’t do a lot of physical contact – hugging or shaking hands. Anyway. *shrugs*

The Post

I need to start this entry by admitting and accepting that this week I had rage. I had lots and lots of rage. I don’t know exactly what was causing it. I didn’t unleash it on anyone. I kept it to myself and let it roar out of me when I was at home. I am hoping it has subsided. It really was terrible. It went from Monday-ish all the way through to Wednesday evening.

There. That’s out of the way. [That is also all I am going to say on the matter.]

The title of this post is a true statement. I have become both bored and restless.

I have become bored in the process of my life. It’s not that I don’t like what I am doing or where my life is. It’s just that I can’t seem to adapt nor amend it any way and that is starting to make me feel stagnant.

Eventually, that boredom turns into restlessness. I am feeling stuck. When I feel stuck I tend to want to do something to push things along. Only, lately, there is nothing I can do except what I am already doing. So, I get restless. I want to do things and can’t and so the energy builds up and festers.

I have determined that this boredom and restlessness is what plays into most of my bad habits and addictions. Smoking cigarettes, for example. My ‘addiction’ [of late] is not so much about the nicotine. It is all about the action. When I get restless, the cigarette gives me something to fiddle with. It is also a good tool when the boredom has washed over me during work hours and I begin to get drowsy. I can put some of my focus into the act of smoking instead of just mindlessly staring at the road in front of me.

I am very well aware of this. This week, I found myself, on occasion, trying to choose not to smoke. Sometimes I would succeed. Sometimes I would succeed for just a moment and then give in. Other times I just decided not to give a shit. It’s not just about the choice though.

Old Habits Die Hard. As I have said before, habits are merely learned behaviors. To change the habit one must learn a new one. Replace the bad with something better. This is where I get stuck. I don’t know with what I can replace it. [that grammar rule is so very odd. I get it. But it sucks.]

Sometimes it is about the nicotine. It is a truly mind-numbing experience. [Do you know that ‘mind-numbing’ is soooo not the proper phrase, but is also the one almost everyone would use.] Anyway…it does have an almost numbing effect. It sends a wave of relaxation through the whole body. It’s almost instantaneous. It happens and then it is over. It’s sort of like DMT – here and then gone. If you blinked, you probably missed it. But. That blink is so intense that even if you did miss it you can still feel it.

That is nicotine.

Sometimes it is about the experience itself – The smell of it, the burn, the inhale and the exhale.

Sometimes it is about these things. But, more often than not, it is simply about boredom and restlessness.

So, what can I find to replace all of that?

I do think the boredom and restlessness played a part in my rage as well. Again, it is just all of this pent up energy and drive that seems to have no outlet lately. I envisioned a very different life for myself at this point of the journey. I thought that by April things would have balanced a bit and I would be living a more diverse life.

I thought that perhaps I would get the occasional reading or reiki session. I assumed I’d be back at The College. I was certain I would be picking up quite a few retail merchandising gigs. Of course, I also dreamed of having my workshop set and ready to roll with the nicer weather.

Everything has hit a roadblock. For example, with the Retail Merchandising I need to basically start all over. I have been inactive for so long that I either need to reply to these companies or re-do background checks. [Which costs money.] The College and the workshop have been stalled due to cold weather. The ministry stuff wasn’t reaping anything and the efforts had to be put on the back burner to focus on other things.

I have even filled out the occasional application and have hit nothing but walls in that arena as well.

It’s like water pushing up against a dam with no release. I have all this energy and drive and I just can’t seem to put them anywhere. So, I have all this pressure just building up.

I have found myself in a rut.

I allowed this to overwhelm me. It has weighed me down. I see myself trying and failing and readjusting over and over and over again. I have almost entered hopelessness.

Something in March threw me way off kilter as well. I mean, I know LIVE! Took its toll on me. For three weeks it is all I could focus on in my free time and in the final week I had to make free time to focus on it. After it was done, I was just beginning. I had to clip and edit video. I also used the opportunity to launch a Reels and TikTok campaign. [This was all part of the plan. I just didn’t know it from the beginning.]

But, it was more than that. I don’t know if some great spiritual wave washed over the Earth or what but I have been feeling it. I just haven’t been ‘right’ for about a month. I have been off balance and sloppy and disconnected. My physical world was becoming cluttered.

I think this week straightened just about all of that out.

It was a week of give and take. Unfortunately, what was taken was the income.

It was another week of struggling to put in the full days. Monday was a very slow day. I did my thing in the morning and over lunch and then came home for my break. Situation Normal. But, by the time dinner shift rolled around I found myself otherwise engaged.

Tax day is coming up very quickly and my records are in shambles. This is not due to neglect. Not purposeful neglect anyway. After I left The Nest last year I had no way to stay on top of my records on a regular basis. So, everything went awry [especially in my Quicken files] between the time I left The Nest and found myself temporarily settled here.

By then the damage was done. I kept up my daily maintenance to ensure it didn’t get out of whack again. However, repairing the damage that was done was a little trickier. I needed to print statements for both accounts and go through them one by one. I had to do the same thing last year after having lived in The Vantasm all through 2021. The only reason I managed it last year was because Tax Day was pushed back so far.

Anyway, Monday I found myself fixing that. I spent well over five hours going through those statements and making sure they were on track – everything documented and categorized properly. I also found and printed all necessary tax forms.

It sucked not going out Monday night but that all needed to get done. I have one week left to get those forms filled out and in the mail.

Tuesday seemed to be going a little better. I followed my usual routine. As dinner shift approached I started to load up The Rocket to head out once more. However, I found that I couldn’t get past the steps in the sunroom. Every time I tried I would get weak and need to sit.

This is no exaggeration. It happened over and over again. Finally, I decided to give in. I just obviously wasn’t meant to leave. Again, it sucked not going out, but I cannot regret The Choice. On Tuesday, I tweaked everything else. Like I said, the house was becoming cluttered and chaotic. I took care of that business on Tuesday.

On Wednesday, I had a baseball game to attend. So there went that shift.

Thursday was supposed to be so much different. I went into Thursday ready to kick some ass and conquer my life. However, it became a repeat of Tuesday. When it was time to head out for dinner I just couldn’t seem to do it. Again, I took care of business.

When I say March threw me off I mean it. I didn’t check emails or do any of my record keeping or any of that. I can’t even tell you why I did not. I don’t know what happened. It’s like I blinked and I missed it and suddenly I had all this work that didn’t get done during the blink.

Financially, this all leaves me quite possibly screwed. Only time can tell on that. If there is one thing I have learned on this journey is that it is always too soon to assume. I just never really know how things are going to go. Not one single week has gone as planned. Yet, every week has been managed. I have struggled and stressed and adjusted and manipulated. But the simple fact of the matter is that somehow I have managed to keep going this long. So, I imagine I will just keep on going no matter what.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m gonna just keep going until I can’t anymore. However that happens.

By the way, this is Saturday. I wanted to get the post done so that I can focus on driving tomorrow. I’m not sure how the day is going to go or if it even will go at all. Nonetheless, I didn’t want to have anything dangling and distracting me from it.

Tonight was terribly slow for dinner shift. I ended up with only one viable offer in an hour and a half.

So, I am starting a new tonight – sort of.

I want to complete the blog and I am just about done with it now. Then I want to tidy up and relax a bit. My night ends with a ritual soak. I am long overdue. Not to mention the Full Moon just passed and of course it is The Day Before. I can feel it though. I just want to tear my flesh off. That is how ‘ick’ I have become.

My Goal is to just be. I am not going to rush through my night but I do want to get myself situated for tomorrow – which includes tying up loose ends from today. But I also want to move slow. I want to enjoy and appreciate my life for what it is Right This Moment. [It’s not perfect but it is mine.] I am not going to rush to get this done or to clean up or get into the tub or out of it. I am in no hurry to get to bed nor to awake in the morning. [Though I will set some sort of alarm to be sure I don’t sleep too late.]

Then I just want to work my way through tomorrow the best I can. Sundays start late on a normal basis and I don’t imagine it will be any different tomorrow. If anything I imagine it will start even later. [I am really worried about tomorrow.]

(Do not Worry About Tomorrow for Tomorrow Shall Take Care of Itself.)

I want to feel like I am reset and fresh for Monday morning. As long as I can accomplish that then all I need is Just Enough income to juggle and I will figure it out from there.

I just had a random thought. I don’t if thought is the right word. I had a realization or an Observation. This is my Week of Nights:

Monday was about administrative obligation. Taxes are kind of a big deal. They are not something I want to do but something I have to do.

Tuesday was about the homestead.

Wednesday was about friends.

Thursday was about other administrative works. [The ones I want to do for me.]

Friday was about driving.

Tonight is all about me.

The only other thing I think I want to comment on before I sign off is my Dreamtime from last night. I can’t tell you a great deal about it. And, really, I’m not as much telling you, Fellow Travelers, as I am leaving myself a reminder.

I don’t know with whom I was speaking. I can’t tell you much about the person -not even gender. [If there was one.] I can tell you the person was taller than myself and was dressed in some sort of ritual robe. Anything else I would try to tell you would be a guess or an assumption. I do not know about what we were talking or even where we were. But here is what I do recall –

The person said to me, “you can always tell a [BLANK] because they will give you a [BLANK.] For instance, they might give you a false totem.”

At the point I turned behind me and took a statue from someone. I turned back and asked, “you mean like this one?”

“Yes.”

That’s all I got, Fellow Travelers.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Flamingo [spirit-animals.com]– Flamingo symbolism is reminding you to get in touch with your emotions. It is a good idea to allow yourself to feel so that you can process your feelings. Furthermore, this spirit animal will enable you to grow through releasing issues. In other words, if you bottle things up, you will find yourself reacting rather than acting appropriately. Therefore, the Flamingo meaning dictates that you must allow yourself to release your feelings so that you can come into balance again. Alternatively, like the Prairie Dog, Flamingo symbolism may be letting you know that it is time for you to get out and socialize. Therefore it is time to have some fun in your life. Moreover, socializing will help let go of stressful situations and coming to terms with changes in your life. Correspondingly, this bird also brings new ideas and options that will come to you while immersing yourself in the company of others. It will also allow you to find balance and gratitude for what you have. It will give you a greater appreciation of those around you. Conversely, Flamingo symbolism may be pointing out that you are blending in a bit too well right now. In other words, you need to allow yourself to be different and to think for yourself. Thus, the Flamingo meaning prompts you to maintain your individuality within the crowds.

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.

Goose - The Call of the Quest and Travels to Legendary Places

A totem reflecting a stimulation of the childhood thrill and belief in stories and legendary places. These stories either reflected an imprint for this life or they may have even imprinted you with certain seed ideas. Also be a totem to aid you in communication especially through the use of stories. Individuals wishing to write - be it stories or anything - can facilitate this process by working with the goose as a totem. It will stimulate the imagination and help move you through creative blocks. Also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. It may reflect a need for more vegetables in the diet, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian for a while. It reflects an ability to move forward or backward. It reflects movement, and a call to the spiritual quest. Stirs our imagination and makes us want to seek out new worlds and dimensions. Calling us to follow them on the great spiritual quest. It speaks of the fulfilled promises that great quests bring. Epitomizes the mystery of migration. Reminds us that as any one individual mass his or her quest, it becomes easier for others to do so as well. Reminding us that we should not undertake any quest in life without having a full view of what it entails. In this way the journey is facilitated for others. Reflects an opening to new possibilities. New directions and new possibilities. Reflects an openness to new ideas. Usually indicates we are about to affix ourselves to a new path. Reflects great fertility that should be acted upon if growth is desired. Greater vision, physical and spiritual, will occur. Can reflect that you are about to break free of old childhood restraints and begin to come into your own. You can expect to have the imagination stirred towards new travels to distant places - whether in the body or mind.

Groundhog – Mystery of Death without Dying – Trance - Dreams

The ability to get deep within an area of interest. A time when a new area of study is going to open up. Two years to come to full fruition. Important to give definite signals to the boundaries you wish to have respected in your life. Death without Dying. A time of initiation. A symbol of opening fully to the Dreamtime. Increasing ability to develop lucid dreaming. Clarity and power of altered states will be amplified. Dreams will become more significant. Opportunity to explore deeper states of consciousness. Lessons associated with death and dying. Revelations about its process. Knowledge of metabolic control.

Raven - Magic, Shapeshifting, and Creation.

Bird of birth and death; mysticism and magic. Messenger of the great spiritual realm. Bring forth life and order. Can help you shape shift your life or your being. Knowledge of how to become other ‘animals’ and how to understand their language. Teach how to stir the magic of life without fear. Strong creative life force. Can be used to enter The Void and stir energies to manifest what you most need. Expect Magic. Somewhere in your life, magic is at play. Activates the energy of magic, linking it with your will and your intentions. Teaches how to take that which is unformed and give it the form you desire.