S9EP11: Shakedown, Breakdown

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is a Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John & Sister Jen

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, April 16, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Free. Time...Recovering

Theme – Shift…and Shift Again

This seems to be the course of my existence. My life is constantly shifting. It shifts and I get things settled in around it and then it shifts again. Again, I maneuver to suit. It shifts again. That is how my life works as a whole. I have been finding the same experience with New Geistopia. Everything has been coming in at different rates. Some stuff comes from The Cave. Some furniture manifests in some form or another. I unpack and organize accordingly. Then more stuff and more furniture. So, I unpack and move about accordingly. More stuff. More furniture. More moving about. I have come to this point once more. It is time to move about. I have empty spaces and spaces that are crammed with whatever was being sorted when those spaces were all I had available. I am also beginning the same process with the garage/workshop. I have some shelves and cabinetry. So I have been unpacking and sorting through. But I also have more cabinets to bring as well as more tools. I will just keep tweaking it a bit at a time until it is functional.

Lesson – Treat Each as if it is the Last

I keep special coffee blends on hand for special moments. It is what I drink when there is time to truly enjoy and appreciate it. When I get down to what will be my final pot I always seem to savor it more. I absolutely plan it so I know I can just sit and drink it for a bit. When I do, I am certain to taste every drop of it – to feel it and smell it. Imagine if I did that with every pot. Imagine if I did that with every breath or every sunrise. Imagine if I did that for all of my experiences. How grand life would seem.

Observation – Find the Release Valve

Order out of Chaos. Sometimes, a thing must be broken in order to be fixed properly. That is what I took from this week. I was letting the pressure build up and I was not allowing myself to find a release valve. I wasn’t resting properly, nor doing recreational things. Finally, I just popped. But, once the pressure was released and I was clear headed [and spirited] once more, I was able to put things in order. For instance, in my rage, I kicked boxes of books across the room, spilling books everywhere. When I finally cleaned that mess up, I also unpacked the other box of books that was there. Then I did another random box. And another. I have all this yard work to do but no tools and no funds with which to get tools. It has been eating away at me bit by bit with each passing day. Once I was clear I realized that they have everything I need at Olde Geistopia and they are in no way shape or form using it. So, I asked. Now all I have to do is pick up what they set aside for me.

The Post

OK. Let’s see if I can do this and get it done. I’m a man with a plan, Stan. Gonna hop on that bus, Gus. Don’t need to discuss much.

Gonna set myself free.

This was a wicked week. A wicked, wicked week. I don’t know exactly what happened. I only know it hurt. I mean the week started fairly casual and relaxed – despite any challenges.

Monday was no different than so many previous Mondays. I awoke to find myself with a negative balance in the bank. I knew that was going to happen. I tried my best to keep it at a minimum. [Or is it a maximum, since I am discussing negative numbers?] The plan was simple. Work all day to make up the negative balance and then see from there.

It didn’t quite pan out that way. I only have until about 1630 to make up any deficit before I incur a fee. I didn’t make it. I got myself within $11 though. Still, it wasn’t enough to stay the overdraft fee. Nothing I was going to do the rest of the night was going to fix the problem I would be facing in the morning. So, I called it a day and came home and did…stuff.

I know I did a lot. I kept moving until like 2000. I did a load of dishes. Then I made dinner, ate and cleaned up – washing my second load of dishes. I finished up the laundry. I took care of some administrative things. I prepped my lunch for the next day. I remember looking at the clock as I was finishing up some thing or the other and thinking, “On a normal night I would just be getting home and look at all I have done so far. [I think Monday was also when I did a little work in the garage.]

Tuesday is kind of a blur.

Wednesday I went off the rails.

With the way Monday played out, I needed really strong days the rest of the week. Tuesday was ok. It was close, but no cigar. Wednesday morning and lunch were just terrible and it was really pissing me off.

I have been feeling so much stress of late. It’s not just financial. It’s everything. My life just seems to be blocked and stagnant in so many arenas. I feel like I am constantly pushing and getting nowhere.

I am constantly out on the road [in as much as has been possible] and every week I am barely scraping by. [Not even, if we’re being 100.] The frustration isn’t just about the scraping either. It is compounded with the frustration of all the things I need and want to take care of. They all require funds and I just keep putting stuff off, “Just one more week.”

I haven’t been able to wash The Rocket in like 4 weeks. I just haven’t had the funds to run it through the car wash. Nor have I had the funds to buy the remaining pieces I need to just wash it at home. [I found a hose and I have a bucket once I clean it out.] On Wednesday, I actually sprayed The Rocket down with my homemade glass cleaner and wiped I off with a towel. That was the best I could improvise and it worked good enough.

So, the finances are frustrating, but so is the Time. I have the list of projects and tasks and things to do. Again, I push and I push trying to make a difference and it seems as if I never even make a dent. My time and my focus is so scattered around my driving shifts. But, also, there are projects that require tools or materials – such as the gardening and the yard.

So, I get frustrated because I push and push and push. I told The Putter on Thursday that I don’t take R&R time. If I am home, I am generally working on something. I rest when I go to bed. We had been commenting that I get distracted from driving – fairly often. I agreed but added that I am getting distracted by other tasks and obligations. None of it is about just chillin’ out. But I am also frustrated because there are things I want to peck away at, and I can’t do anything.

I started Wednesday feeling strong and positive. But all of the above frustrations, combined with such a slow daytime just really triggered me. I came home from lunch shift earlier than usual. I had even bought a CBD blunt in the hopes that it would round my edges enough to settle me down. It didn’t. But then, I couldn’t sit long enough to enjoy it.

Wednesday was when I did the car. I also cleaned the house. It was on the list to get done before The Princesses arrived. I was home. I had time. So, I set into it. I did not do it gracefully, nor did I do it with Grace. I was in such a rage all over the house. I even cussed out G-d pretty good. I had just reached a point where enough was enough.

I had my fit. G-d called me out. That didn’t make me any less angry, believe me. Still, I got stuff done and got back out on the road for dinner. To be fair, it was probably the best dinner shift I have seen in a very long time. I made much more than I would anticipate making any night of the week. This didn’t really help my mood.

If anything, it made it worse. That’s part of the frustration as well. I am constantly just rolling with the punches, taking it as it comes, and trying to make the most out of every rotten situation that comes at me. I mean, can’t my days just ever be normal?

I had absolutely no interest in Thursday when it started. I had no interest in Thursday, or working, or the house, or even living. I was just done. Wiped out and faded. I had brought myself to the resolution that I can’t keep the house. I just don’t have the wherewithal to keep it going.

I made a comment on Facebook about having to consider moving back into The Rocket. I told The Princesses the same. I also told them that I didn’t think I would see them for any of the actual Easter-ing this weekend. I would make them dinner but they would be eating it themselves. I would hide eggs but they would have to hunt them without me. When they asked me why I simply told them I just can’t keep up.

I also announced on Facebook that I was going to be taking a break from the world for a little bit…and so I have. I have not looked at one shred of social media since I made that status update. Nor will I until I go to post this blog. Even then, I think I am still going to keep it minimal. I need a little bit more of a break to get myself together.

Thursday afternoon there was a Safety meeting. I wasn’t going to go. Not only did I want to focus on driving, but I wasn’;t really in the social kind of mood. Still, the morning and lunch shifts were extremely strong and the opportunity presented itself. So, I went.

It did help me unwind just a little bit. I had some time before dinner shift and I made some videos for future editing. I drove dinner and, all in all, Thursday was abundant than I had realized.

Friday was a good day for work. As was Saturday. But, Friday would also begin to shift things – not only for the weekend, but also for the future ahead.

I got The Princesses and we stuck to the plan. I brought them back to New Geistopia and almost immediately headed back out for dinner shift. But, on the way home, Cuddlebug tried to address the current issues. She brought up, once more, that after she and the boy move in they want to give me rent. I am adamantly and vehemently opposed to this.

I understand everyone’s point about it helping. My point is – I just don’t agree with the notion as a whole. She is my child. She is entering a great change of life. Everything is going to be different for her. She’s going to school for nursing. She’s going to a good school for nursing. Truth is, if none of those statements applied, I still wouldn’t agree with charging my child rent. I told her as much.

I also went on to explain that the finances are only a part of my frustration. I explained that yes them giving me money would do a little but it would do so very little in the grand scheme of what I am facing. I explained that it would be just as much help to me if they managed some of the house and property work and chores. It would help if the y put money towards little things that are needed, as they’re needed. That would alleviate so much stress in and of itself that I could actually focus on driving.

I went a little deeper and told her straight up that I have fallen short as a father on more levels and in more ways than I care to think about. I have left behind a lot of disappointments and failures. If I can do one more thing right by her it would be to not take the money and encourage the kids, instead, to put it towards their future.

It was as if she didn’t hear a word I said because she continued on, “If I gave you like $150 as a security deposit would that straighten you out for week?”

I told her again I wasn’t interested.

“Cause I figured it all out and when I backout what I actually need that is what is left.”

Sunshine chimed in, pointing out that it was obviously meant to be.

I told her to shut the fuck up…cause I knew she was right and I didn’t want to hear it.

I refused the money, dropped them off, and headed out for work. While I was on the road, I meditated on it. I chatted up G-d to get his grand insights. I told him that if I accepted it that it was all under duress and not by free choice. Which is actually true. Friday made it so. Friday dinner was OK but it was not what it should have been. I made Just Enough to kind of scrape by but everything was working backwards and I ended up not making what I thought would make the difference.

Now, here is how I know it was “meant to be.”

I came home and sat Cuddlebug down at the table. I told her the same I told G-d – I am still adamantly opposed to the idea but I would accept her offer as long as she knows it is under duress. I also explained that this was not a guarantee that I would let them pay me money on a long term basis, nor could I promise that she wouldn’t get that money back. All the while I am explaining this, the child is snickering at me. I finally asked what was going on.

She starts in, “Well, ya see…while you were gone, Sunshine and I were ‘Great Mommom-ing’ you.” I laughed out loud. I rolled my yes. I said, “You little fuckers.”

Let me explain what she meant by this. My grandmother is a very generous woman. She is always giving but never will she take. Everyone in the family knows she struggles financially. So, when The princesses and I visit, I will take several $5 and the girls will hide them around her house. That’s what they were doing to me.

I was going to get that money whether I agreed to it or not.

Both of us coming clean was also necessary. Though their plan was cute and fun, ultimately it would have done me no good if I couldn’t deposit the money tomorrow. So, we made a game out of it. They told me it was my Easter egg hunt. We had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs.

With this contribution – which she calls a security deposit and I call an advance on her contribution to her birthday party – and the way work flowed Friday and then Saturday, I was actually able to take off the time I wanted to originally.

I came home Saturday and immediately set to making dinner. We enjoyed dinner together. Later I gave them their baskets and a gift. We like game nights but all of our board games are at Old Geistopia. I know Sunshine really likes Clue so I bought it as a gift for the house. We absolutely did play it while we watched History of the World, Part II.

They had decorated eggs while I was working on Saturday, so this morning I got up to finish filling plastic eggs and then I was going to hide the eggs in the yard. However, it rained hard at the end of the day yesterday and everything outside was wet. It was decided that I would hide the eggs in the house.

I had so much fun doing this and I wished I had more eggs to hide. We had so much fun with this as well.

Afterwards, I made us all breakfast. After breakfast they helped me with a project. I have been wanting to check and verify the circuit breakers. I needed all three of us here to do it quickly and efficiently. They quickly learned why.

Just as I expected, there were things not labeled correctly, or specifically. There are random things on breakers together. It’s a jumbled mess. I figured. The older the house is, the more of a mess the box tends to be. We had the same thing at Olde Geistopia.

Nonetheless, we got it done. Afterwards, everyone just chilled on their own until it was time to take them home. After I dropped them off, I worked Just Enough to make the rest of the difference in my week. I actually came up $5 and some change short, but I have the metal to take in the morning and that will get deposited with the other cash and more than cover the deficit. With all of that in mind, I made some choices for tomorrow.

Choices Were Made.

Because I do have the two errands to run – the scrap yard and the bank – and they both have some distance and inconvenience involved, I am going to take the early part of tomorrow off for the purposes of doing those errands and focusing on my taxes.

Y taxes have been a struggle and a process. I honestly have not been sure I was going to be able to get them done. I think I have myself figured out – or at least I’m pretending I do. All I have to do is actually fill out the paperwork now. So, my Goal is to get them as ready as possible to mail on Tuesday.

I am going to be casual about my morning. As long as I have myself out on the road for dinner I am good. If I can get out before that even better. But I am not going to push nor rush. I figure it’s about 3 hours [give or take] to run the errands. I am going to get up and make myself breakfast and do whatever I have to in order to settle in to fill out the papers. When they are done I can go take care of other business.

Since I have been home tonight, I have been working on tweaking other things into place and completion. The laundry is done and away. I had leftovers for dinner. The dishwasher has been loaded and is running. I loaded the metal into The Rocket already. Other than completing this post [which is just about done] I only need to tweak some of my weekly records and take a look at the groceries for this coming week.

My only schedule interference this coming week is The Theatre. They need help on Saturday. Now, technically, I still owe them for LIVE! But, at the same time, they have yet to give me a total number or an invoice. So I need to see how we are thinking of handling Saturday. That will determine how the rest of my week needs to go. I may have already eliminated one fill-up from the projected budget. My grocery bill should be relatively low. I have foods. I have breakfast foods and lunch foods and plenty of dinners. In fact, my groceries are going to involve making even more dinners from these leftovers.

Honestly, when it comes to dinners, I should be set for like 10-14 days. I’ll have some ingredients and fill-ins to get but there should be no major or hefty purchases. All I have to do is creative with what I have. For instance, I told the girls maybe I’ll make some egg salad since I have all these damn hard boiled eggs now.

The moral of this story being, I am finally starting a week with a sense of peace. I don’t like the steps taken to have gotten here. Nor am I a fan of the process as it unfolded. Nonetheless, I am here. I needed this. I needed to get to this point – right here, right now. I am finally able to catch my breathe just a little. I am grounded and centered so I can get myself organized and focused for the week ahead without any rush or pressure.

My ultimate Goal at the moment is to be able to take Monday, May 1st [Beltane] off. I mean like off. All for me. My day. Right now, I seem to be on track for that. I do have some curveballs to juggle in the next two weeks, but if I am diligent with everything I should manage just fine.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Bee – Fertility and the Honey of Life

Symbols for accomplishing the impossible. Examine your own productivity. Are you doing all you can to make your life more fertile? Are you busy enough? Are you taking the time to savor the honey of your endeavors or are you being a workaholic? Are you attempting to do too much? Are you keeping your desires in check so they can be more productive? Are you taking time to enjoy the labors and activities you involve yourself in? No matter how great the dream there is promise of fulfillment if we pursue it.

Cardinal - Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance

They remind us that, regardless of the time of day or year, we always have the opportunity to renew our own vitality and recognize our own life roles. Whistles are often reminders to listen closely - to pay attention to what is blowing on the winds. Reflects that we should be listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being. Almost always reflects a need to assert the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly. Can reflect a need to b more careful about your diet, that what you are eating may be injurious to yourself and affecting your overall vitality. Reflects the rhythm of 12 that is going to become more predominant within your own life. Reflects lessons associated with responsibility and the recognition of the task at hand. May reflect past-life connections with the church, or even a reviving of more traditional religious beliefs, regardless of denomination. Remind us to add color to our lives, and remember that everything is of importance.

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.

Groundhog – Mystery of Death without Dying – Trance - Dreams

The ability to get deep within an area of interest. A time when a new area of study is going to open up. Two years to come to full fruition. Important to give definite signals to the boundaries you wish to have respected in your life. Death without Dying. A time of initiation. A symbol of opening fully to the Dreamtime. Increasing ability to develop lucid dreaming. Clarity and power of altered states will be amplified. Dreams will become more significant. Opportunity to explore deeper states of consciousness. Lessons associated with death and dying. Revelations about its process. Knowledge of metabolic control.

Mouse - Attention to Detail.

It is either time to pay attention to details, or an indication that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You may be getting so locked into details that you forget the big picture. Are you taking care of the trivial, yet necessary, things of life? Are you getting so lost in big dreams that you are neglecting other aspects of your life? Are you becoming so focused on one or two activities that you are neglecting other opportunities? Are you missing what is right in front of you? Is there something obvious that you are missing or need to focus on? Are you trying to do too many things at once and therefore scattering your energies? Mouse can show how to pay attention to detail; how to attain the big things by working on the little things. Lessons associated with attention.