S9EP12: Season Finale, pt. 1

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is a Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John & Sister Jen

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, January 22, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Free. Time...Equalizing

[In retrospect, The Trinity is going to wait. As you will learn, there were only three days to this week’s writing. Not nearly nough time for The Trinity to reveal itself.]

Theme – ???

Lesson – ???

Observation – ???

The Post

So, being honest – it is actually Wednesday evening. I decided to try to write out what I can now so that I have the ability to focus [mostly] on driving the next several days.

I’m having a very rough day. I’m having a very rough everything at the moment. I’m having a rough week so far. I had a rough week last week. I see a rough 11 days ahead. I’m fighting, what feels like, a losing battle. No choice seems to be the right one. No decision seems to help.

And, I am running out of steam.

Actually, I think I am out. But, ya know, even when the tank is empty there are always a few little putt-putt-putts left. I get up, I putt-putt-putt my way through the day, and I wonder if I will be able to do it again tomorrow.

I know I said last week that it is not just financial strain at the moment. I mean, I’m used to not having money. I’m just not use to it be such a critical thing. It’s everything else that is building up. I have almost no energy the past few days. My body hurts. My spirit feels torn to shreds and my heart is just a little bit broken.

Let’s start with that.

I love my Sunshine. I love her more than I think she is capable of realizing. But, she breaks my heart every time she comes here. And, every time she comes I am depressed for about a week afterwards.

She shuts us out. I can’t even knock on her bedroom door without her snapping at me, acting like I am inconveniencing her by wanting to tell her something or give her something. She doesn’t want to spend time with us. She spends as minimal as possible with me and Cuddlebug. When she does spend time with us, she looks for the first opportunity to break away and be on her own.

I understand that so much of this is because she is troubled and hurt. But that all makes it so much worse. I know my daughter is hurting and she will not allow me any opportunity to help. She doesn’t talk to me. She doesn’t allow me [or her mother] to talk to the therapist. So, all I can do is just sit by and watch it all happen. It seems, for some reason, she sees me as an enemy. I am, apparently, part of the problem. But, she gives me nothing with which to work to solve the problems.

This kills me just a little bit more every time I have to live through it.

My spirit is just all tangled up and twisted. I feel lost and confused. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I should be doing. For 25 years I thought I at least understood my path and my direction. I may not have had it mastered, but I thought I at least understood it. Now…I just don’t know. I don’t know who I am or who I am supposed to be.

Everything that felt right just a few months ago has all but fizzled out. I have tried over and over again to keep all these different fires in my life burning, but none of them are doing anything. Maybe it is just time to let them all burn out. [Interesting phrase because Burnt Out is how I feel.] Perhaps it is time to put to rest anything I was [or thought I was] before and just start over all new – just me and the driving.

That includes this blog. I’m not sure it has purpose any longer. I don’t know what story I am telling. Once upon ago, I thought I was telling a story of struggle with an almost remarkable ending – a twist at any rate. At one time, I thought it was possibly inspiration to others. Now, I think it is just a sad tale of what happens when you screw it all up.

Not to mention, it also takes up a great deal of my time and energy. Even when I’m not physically writing.

I did LIVE! Just a month ago and already the excitement of that has faded. I don’t know what to do with it next. For a week or so afterwards my mind was whirring with possibility and potential. Now it all just seems pointless and fruitless.

Let me tell you what I can of my week.

With what Cuddlebug did for me last week, I was able to start this week – Monday morning – with no stress, nor pressure. I had no negative balance in the account. I had nothing pending or imperative.

With that in mind, I decided to take Monday morning off from driving so I could get my taxes finished. I did them. I screwed them up royally, but I did them. [I also don’t think I kept a copy of them for myself. I know I meant to. I just don’t know if I did.] It was a process. It took me all morning. But I got them done.

I also had to run to the bank. Now, the thing about the bank is that the closest branch is about 19 miles, or 33 minutes, away. It’s not an easy thing to do which is why I try to avoid having to go. As long as I was going to the bank, I figured I would run to the scrap yard and unload some of the cans I have stored up. If nothing else it would be an extra $20-30 to deposit. The scrap yard isn’t far but it is in the opposite direction from the bank. In fact, it was 43 minutes [GoogleMaps time] from the yard to the bank.

My day was dwindling away quicker than I had anticipated. Truth is, I didn’t even get out of the house until about 1300. Now with all of this running it was quickly getting later. On the way back to my region, I stopped at the post office to mail my taxes. Then I ran to Olde Geistopia for…something. I can’t even tell you what at the moment.

From there I had to go to the store. I had been trying to put it off, but Monday morning I broke my glass coffee carafe and needed something new. I wasn’t thrilled at adding another $25-35 to my expenses for the week. However, I did find a universal replacement carafe for only $13. So far it is working. As long as I needed to stop for a coffee maker, I figured it was best just to get the groceries I needed. And, as long as I was hitting the store, I might as well hit the smoke shop for my tobacco. This way all of my extra running was done.

Once I had decided on grocery shopping, I knew I had to come back to the house. If I was doing that, then I might as well cook the meals for which I just shopped. I had things to make with my leftover ham and hard boiled eggs. I knew it would take at least a few hours [it did] and I couldn’t see the sense in taking extra time off on some other day to cook it all up.

My whole day – from the time I left here until I was done cleaning up my cooking mess – was about 8 hours. Add in the time I spent on the taxes in the morning and my day was easily 11-12 hours minimum. All that time just to run errands and take care of some business.

[But I certainly have food for a some time.]

Tuesday was a little rougher. Now I was behind. I ad not planned nor budgeted the groceries until Tuesday or today. So, now I was starting slightly negative. The day was slow and frustrating. Still, I made Just Enough to cover what need to be covered in the moment and carry me a bit into today.

I also started today negative. I knew that was going to happen and it didn’t stress me. I had some funds to carry over from dinner shift last night and I only needed to make a little bit to cover the rest as well as the one charge pending for tomorrow morning.

Today was also slow and frustrating. My first two deliveries were slightly longer distances to areas I don’t generally travel. The second order itself slowed me down because the restaurant had no record of it at all. So, I had to wait for that to get straightened out and then wait for the order to actually be made. Till I got back to my parking spot it was after0900 and breakfast had slowed to nothing.

I sat for a bit, amusing myself however I could. No dings. I took a 15-minute nap with the apps still on. No dings. I sat for about another 15 minutes trying to amuse myself. No dings. I decided I couldn’t sit idle any longer so I headed to Olde Geistopia to take some things from The Cave. Now, I did turn off the apps for this.

I’m glad I went over. I found a bag of clothing – which is in the dryer at the moment. [I also did my regular laundry for the week.] Now the bag of clothing is pretty much all winter stuff I believe. That’s funny cause I don’t need it now but I sure could have used it the past few months. Nonetheless, it is here and just about all taken care of for the future.

I also found a small space heater. It is the one I used in the Tree Hut. Honestly, I was just thinking about it in the past week. I didn’t think I had gotten rid of it but I had yet to come across it. I wanted it for the bathroom. It is perfect in there.

And, on the found list, was a VCR. This is interesting because as we sat watching TV this weekend, Cuddlebug looked at our movies shelf and asked, “What are we going to do with all those VHS tapes?”

“We’re just going to have to find a VCR.”

And, so I did. Ask & It Is Given. Seek & Ye Shall Find.

Lunch was, once again, slow and frustrating. I hung in as long as I could and I was home by like 1400. Which is kind of average. I might have been home 10-15 minutes earlier. The first thing I did was take a rest. I was just so wiped out. In fact, I rested for almost an hour. When I got up, my plan was to be out by 1630.

That plan changed. I don’t know when or how. But, when the time came to leave, I just couldn’t do it. When I tell you I am exhausted, Fellow Travelers, I mean I am exhausted. My energy level is so low and I don’t know why. To add to it, I have been in pain all day – across the very tops of my legs. I can only assume it is from sitting all scrunched up in The Rocket all day every day. Nonetheless, it hurt to stand up. It hurt to take my first several steps after I did stand up.

I try not to let time go by wasted. If I was staying home I was going to figure out how to make the most of it. As I already said, I took care of my laundry. I finished my Easter Dinner leftovers. Well, except for the ham. I still have plenty of ham left. Plus, all of the ham based foods I cooked up Monday night – soup, ham & String beans. I worked on a separate writing. I actually did that before I knew I wasn’t leaving. I got my daily paperwork all caught up. And now I am working on this. My last task for tonight is a ritual soak. I have been wanting one so terribly bad since my breakdown last week but I figured it was best to try to wait for the New Moon tomorrow. I can do it tonight and still be under those energies.

I am also set for tomorrow morning. Lunch is fixed. Clothing is pulled out. I just have to get up and go. That’s kind of my plan. I just want to get up and go the next several days. I have to make one more stop at the grocery store for a few filler items to stretch me to next week. Other than that [and working at The Theatre on Saturday night] I have nothing to distract or detract from driving.

This is also why I did my laundry tonight. With the laundry done, once I get these last bits of groceries, I should be good for about a week. I should have nothing to get done, nor any stops to make. [Except maybe the smoke shop.] With nothing to do and nowhere to go, I can puyt all of my focus and energy into working. I should even be able to just stay out on the road all day. If I need a rest I will just park and then start all over again.

Even the post is done now. All I have to do is paste in the Totems and The Trinity is easy enough to do on the fly. I don’t anticipate any stories developing in the rest of the week.

What you need to know for now, Fellow Travelers, is that I have become uncomfortably numb. I can’t find it within myself to think or feel any particular way about anything at the moment. I don’t have the energy to feel positive and excited and enthusiastic. And I certainly don’t give enough of a shit to be overwhelmed by negativity and stress.

Next week’s post is the last of this season. The day after will be Beltane and we are on to the next season. I suppose this post is part 1 of a two-part season finale.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

No Totems to speak of this week. I mean, I’m sure there were some. But I cannot remember enough of the week to recall what they may have been.