S9EP4: What was Lost Shall be Found

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John & Sister Jen

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, February 26, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Free. Time...Delusional

Theme – No Regrets

This really came up in regards to last week but it holds true in general. I had a bad week financially last week and it could be said it is because of choices. But those choices led to other things getting taken care of. How can I regret that? I didn’t sit around and waste away my days. I took action in my life. But, even if I had wasted the days away they are gone. Regret would just be wasted energy in the now and for the future. For we carry regrets with us.

Lesson – Maybe It’s the Cage

I heard this in a talk on addiction. It was referencing some experiments on rats and drug addiction. The speaker said, “Everything we know about addiction is wrong.” He said the first experiment done involved a rat in an empty cage with two bottles of water. One was laced and one was not. Every rat ended up repeatedly using the laced water. But then, many years later and not too long ago someone re-did the experiment, claiming it was flawed. In this experiment they made the cages into Rat Parks with multiple rats and activities and lots of space and mazes. None of the rats used the laced water. He said, “the thing with addiction is maybe its not the rat. Maybe it is the cage.” [The environment and circumstances.] I thought about my life and all of the addictions I have had. All of the times I have lived in darkness. They were all times when my cage was isolated or confining. My cage is very different now and I find myself changing. Even in the grimmest moments I am hopeful and positive and active – making different choices. So, I think it is the cage.

Observation – Life was Never Meant to be a Struggle

I was reading a book by Stuart Wilde. This may have been the actual title. Nonetheless, it was definitely the main Theme of the first several pages. He used a tiger as an example. A tiger does not get up in the morning feeling hungry and worry about what he will eat. He simply goes out, finds food and eats. He does not stress about his day ahead. He just goes out into his day and lives it. His point was that this is what life should be for all of us. We should live – not struggle.

The Post

It is Thursday night and I felt like it was time to sit and write for a bit. I’ve been feeling the need to write for days. I just have not seemed to have the time to focus on it. I don’t know what it is I am getting wrong at the moment. Things are slipping out of my grasp. I think it is only temporary and, perhaps, serves a greater purpose than I can discern at the moment.

For as much as the financial aspect of my life is slipping, other areas seem to be thriving at the moment. [Or, at the very least, showing signs of life.] They have been small…slight…subtle. But, they are happening across the board. This gives me a bit of hope during what seems like hopeless times.

I know one of the Goals right now is Balance. I am struggling with how to achieve it. Balance is not always equal nor even. It is about having Just Enough to keep the scales from tipping one way or the other. [Completely.] Think of walking across a balance beam. The weight is not always evenly distributed. Each muscle is not necessarily doing the equal amounts or types of work. Balance is about taking the whole of something – the body, a company, a system or routine – and distributing energy and effort as required.

That is where I am struggling. I am stuck in a rut, a routine. Unfortunately, it is not allowing for proper distribution. For a while, this was indeed my own fault. I was allowing myself too many distractions. The trouble has been that they have been slight and subtle. They filled awkward moments when I didn’t know what to do or felt I didn’t have time to get into anything in particular.

I am resolving that. I had that groove for a bit before this all became official. I was doing a little bit of everything every day. I got to The College. I did yard or house work. I worked. I worked at The Theatre. Everything got kind of thrown off around Yule. This was due, in part, just to the winter months. They always tend to slow me down and throw me off a bit. Of course, a great deal of it had to do with Yule itself.

I kept telling myself that if I got into the house – if I made it that far – I wouldn’t worry about the money. Yet, that is all I have done. Day after day and week after week, I have stressed and toiled and budgeted and planned and manipulated and maneuvered.

It seems all to no avail.

And, all the while I was doing that, I was ignoring things around New Geistopia. I would get to them, “Whenever.” I became focused on the money because things were so real all of a sudden. This venture is important to me. It is important to my daughters. We all need this. But, as I have come to realize in the last week or so, my being here is about more than just my being here.

I believe there is great magick and potential here in New Geistopia. If that is the case, then – just as Olde Geistopia – my purpose here is Caretaker. Having a home to live in is just a benefit of the job. If I do the job right, properly, then New Geistopia should become a place of healing, realization, and self-discovery for anyone who seeks it – just as the bedroom, The Cave, and The Garden before it.

I only came to realize this over the past two weeks as I spent more time around New Geistopia. There were days devoted to it. Things got done, organized, cleaned. It came up to speed with where it really needs to be in order for me to start moving forward. Do not misunderstand Fellow Travelers, it is not complete. It is just caught up. However, this same ‘benefit’ also hurt me financially. [In a very big way, I am afraid.] That is what starts our week, Fellow Travelers.

I came into this week with a different attitude and approach. I have very much been feeling the need for a Quest. I do not know if it is just simple restlessness or if there is something out there, beyond The Valley, that is calling to me.

On top of that, I have been sensing expansion of some sort. There have been whispers of it for some time, “We’re not done yet.” I have been having random, yet frequent, visions. The same vision over and over again. I can only describe it as me – exploding with energy from the inside.

So, I decided to come into this week in more of a ‘Quest Mode.’ I have been lost. I have been struggling. I have been trying to get a grip and gain my balance. I have been trying to make sense of this major shift in my life and all that it has brought with it.

I keep coming back to Belle’s question, “Have you settled in? Does it seem real?”

No. How could it? How can I? Even though I was shown that it was coming [and for some time at that] it still seems to have come out of nowhere and happen so suddenly. It didn’t really, but it feels that way. I spent a lifetime believing that I would never achieve even half of what New Geistopia is.

Not only did the deal happen, and life change, in the blink of an eye, but ever since official announcements were made, things have evolved at an exponential rate. I went from makeshift everything – makeshift desk, makeshift kitchen table, makeshift bed – to a fully furnished and functioning home in less than two months.

That’s a lot to process.

I look around and I am just…overwhelmed. For instance, I cannot tell you how excited it makes me to have The Spirit Room. This is something I have always wanted – a separate space for my workings. Everything under one roof, as it were. I have my altar for prayer and meditation, ritual and devotion. I have my apothecary table so I can get back to my mixtures. [Which has already come up once since I have been here. I had to muddle my way through that one.] Plus, I have the Reiki bed up and room for a tarot table when needed.

This just blows my mind.

Very often I will find myself standing at the doorway just gazing in awe at it. As I turn to walk away I find myself facing the other doorway which leaves me in awe – The Bedroom. I can’t say enough how I have not had a bedroom in so very long. Now, not only do I have one, but it is furnished. It is comfortable. It’s got a definite vibe to it. Both Big ‘D’ and Sunshine commented twice in the same night about how nice it is.

I bring this up because I find that I am in an almost constant state of gratitude and revelry. But I know that it is all so much bigger than me. I have lived a lot of life, Fellow Travelers. I have seen some ups and also more than my fair share of downs. I know blessings. I have seen many of them. Little miracles along the way. This is a big one. It is not by chance, nor happenstance.

Needless to say, I do not feel worthy of it all. My mind just cannot fathom it. How could I possibly deserve this level of perfection? Since I don’t believe that I deserve it I have convinced myself that I won’t be able to pull it off, afford it. I am just waiting to fuck it all up.

This is what I have been carrying out into the world with me every day. I take it all so seriously suddenly. Every choice and decision weighs heavily on me – before and after it is made. While I stay focused on the working and the income, my mind and my spirit become scattered.

I have been creating the reality – slowly, steadily. I have been saying for some time that I was just going to keep going until I couldn’t. I said I would either catch up to my situation or it would catch up to me and bite me in the ass.

This was the week I got bit in the ass.

I came into the week further in the red than I think I have ever been before. [Not just during these past few months.] I came into the week, with the hope that I would balance it out easily. After all, because Monday was a holiday, I had Monday to play a little catch up before it got bad. Only, I didn’t have Monday the way I thought I would.

As I said, I came into this week in a sort of Quest Mode. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know how to get to the point at which I believe I should be. I don’t know how to bring all of these pieces together productively, efficiently, or economically. I feel like I am drowning every day.

The only way I know how to cope with this is to Quest. It is time to stop doing and driving and knowing. I must allow myself to be led and shown. I must be guided.

That is how I came into the week. I just wanted to feel my way through it. No different than all the Quests before it. Just follow the path of least resistance in each moment. Feel the pull and follow it.

I felt a little odd on Monday morning. Just that strange sorta something in the air. I remember wanting to check the calendar for the New Moon before I left for the day. I did not actually do it.

My morning was slow. I just could not get my rhythm going. As the minutes ticked away, I found myself putting my departure time off longer and longer. Somewhere in the back of my head I heard, “As long as you’re out by lunchtime.”

I finally got myself out of the house around 0900. My plan was to grab some stuff at The Cave and get that portion of my day’s plans out of the way. Then I could start my day. Before I could reach The Cave, I would get a call from Andy Pandy asking if I could give him a ride. I agreed but told him I needed to stop at The Cave and then one other quick stop and I would be on my way.

He did pay me for the ride. I made enough in that hour of driving to cover what I would have made on a Monday morning breakfast shift. My day was off to a good start. Lunch was fairly decent. It wasn’t quite as strong as I would have liked, but I still had dinner.

Only I didn’t.

I came home after lunch to unload The Rocket and I never left. My brain was saying leave. My other bodies were not in agreement. But, No Regrets. Something kept telling me to just trust the process. Things did happen on Monday.

First, I got to know the neighbor a little better. I also caught him while he was cutting up a tree so we discussed my love of crafting. He is going to find me some pieces as he continues his work. In fact, he sent me home with a nice piece for a future project. This will be a long-term thing. It won’t happen quickly and that is what I need. But, it was time to plant that seed I suppose.

I also got some stuff done in the yard. This was how it all started really. The day was so perfect. I just felt the insatiable desire to be outside and working. I got the garden plot uncovered. We’re not going to use it this year. I told the girls that I want to give it a season get ready. Now that it is uncovered, the soil can get all the rain and sunlight and air. It is where I empty my ashes from the pellet stove. We will work the ground, turn it and stir it. But we will not plant there this year.

Instead, we are going to start small. There are four old tires on the property – already being used as planters. We are going to freshen them up a bit and use them as individual planters for the start of our garden. In fact, in my day, I found a fifth one. The plan right now is to plant sage and lavender. Plus I have a mint plant to move, assuming it has survived. That leaves us two more planters and a host of options.

After that, I moved to the fire pit area. I’ve been wanting to move all the wood for some time now. I wanted to move it so I could clean up the ground and organize it all a little better. Since I do not have lawn equipment yet I decided to move all the wood into the garden shed. I started this the other day and was moving it by hand – a few pieces at a time.

I started this way again on Monday and then remembered that I had seen the handles of what appeared to be a wheelbarrow on the other side of the garage. Sure enough, that’s exactly what I saw. It’s a small one but it certainly made my job easier.

I also found a shovel [and some other randomness] which I used in conjunction with the wheelbarrow to empty the ashes from the fire pit. It was quite full and due for a fix. Of course, those ashes also went to the garden. I realized that with the shovel and wheelbarrow I could start some work in the front yard. The beds out front have become overrun with grass and I need to dig it out. [All I was missing was some bags to clean up the leaves.]

I did eventually check the calendar and sure enough Monday was the New Moon. That not only explained the vibe of my day but sealed the deal for a ritual soak. It is one of two things I keep promising myself I am going to do and then don’t. I needed it. It was one of the most intense soaks I have had in some time.

I woke up Tuesday feeling ready to go. In fact, I have felt that way every morning this week. Just very energized and positive. I’ve also experienced many random moments of just gratitude for everything.

I did finally, on Tuesday, look at my situation to see just how bad it was. It was bad. It still is. Despite that, I have kept myself relatively calm and level headed. Whenever I do panic or worry or stress, I am shown that image I described before.

I can’t tell you much else about Tuesday and Wednesday. They are Once Upon Ago. They were decent days and helped to keep things from getting terribly worse. But that is all I remember. Except that yesterday [Wednesday] there were whispers about today. Whispers of change.

Again, this morning I got up but seemed to moving slow towards the door. It wasn’t because I was distracted or killing time or unmotivated. Quite the opposite. I was up and moving about doing things all morning. It just took me longer than I would have liked.

As I was moving about I was thinking about two different things. One was this upcoming WTML project. Right now it is happening and it is very real. So, I am constantly running it through in my head until I can find its groove.

The other was my current financial situation and if or when I will ever get it straightened out. With hat I heard the whispers again. Promises that it will straighten out. The I heard, “Three weeks.”

I decided to mark it on the calendar. I have done this from time to time but usually I just look it up at some point. But this time I thought I should mark it. In fact mark each of the next three weeks. Normally when I do this I would have counted today. It was early enough in the day for the whole day to count. But the whispers were to start the count tomorrow.

The three week count ended on the exact date of the WTML project.

I can’t tell you what that means but it means something.

So, I resolved to just set out into my day and see what happened.

It was an OK morning and lunch. I was satisfied. Still, all morning I worried about how I am going to straighten things out. I can get myself out of the hole I am in [or most of it] by Monday. But I will not have this week’s rent. This is the first time this has happened to me and I don’t know what to do about it.

I know I need to message Brother John and I reached for the phone a few times today to do it. But, something just kept telling me to wait until tomorrow night, after the day is in. I can’t imagine why. I can’t imagine what could make enough of a difference.

I did have the inclination to buy a lottery ticket. I have some cash on hand that won’t do me much good in any area or another at the moment. I don’t know how I feel about that inspiration. It is true that with each of the last two inspirations I did win money. I won enough money to do what needed to be done at the time. But I have had many times when all I did was throw away money too.

So, I don’t know how I feel about it. It seems like such a foolish time to take such a big risk. I already don’t have money. Do I really have it to potentially throw away? But then maybe that is the point. Yet another test of Faith. It wouldn’t be the strangest one I’ve had.

I think that is why I felt the need to write tonight. I do not know how the next three days will go or how things will work out. But, I think now that I purged my mind and released this experience to this point I might be able to move forward a lil clearer minded. Maybe I can let it flow o its own perfection.

For now, my intention is to round out the Quest of the week on Sunday night. Let us see how things go.

Also – after thought – when I was heading down the road first thing this morning I saw a dead hawk along the side of the road. I had two thoughts. Frist, I was sad that it is illegal to have hawk feathers, so I could not stop and pull some. Second, It made me wonder if I am missing an important message or getting something wrong.

Two more after thoughts. [This is why I struggle with writing. So many thoughts that I get sidetracked and miss things that I then think of later.] So, I forgot to mention that I stopped at the Putter’s. This was not planned. I had swung by The Cave to pick some things up while I had a moment [at the end of lunch.] Sparky was at The Putter’s and I have been trying to get him to come to the house to look at some electrical things. For example, I want to change some outlets to GFI. Many of the outlets in the house are only two prong outlets. For reasons of my own, I would like them to be three prong. However, I do not believe there is a ground wire in the house. So, GFI is my safest solution.

So, I had to pop in and touch base with him. Tell him I had permission to move ahead with that project. Of course, that led to, “Here have one.” It’s never just one. I may have been able to drive last night. But, anymore in my life, I just don’t like taking those chances.

I ended up at home and today’s project was the garage. It has become a sort of storage space for the time being. Obviously, it is where all my miscellaneous tools and such have gone but I also have all of my metal gathering in there. Especially cans that need to be prepped. There is also a couch waiting to be cleaned and moved as well as a miscellaneous project or two.

The boxes of tools and such were open and spread out all over the place from when I was looking for particular tools at Yule. I didn’t sort through them but I got them organized in a corner. I tweaked a few things into a temporary place and made the space seem less cluttered. I made a space for crushing up cans on the floor. I also happened to find two bags for dealing with the yard stuff. I will most likely need more. But that is a start.

And…I also filled out two applications tonight. I told myself I would be open to all options – most especially while in Quest Mode.

[Friday 1929]

I wanted to pause a moment and write. Sometimes it’s not about what I write but when I write it. And, sometimes, it’s not about the writing but when it is shared. [This is not one of those times.] However, I have been feeling recently like maybe I should start another side record of events – much like I had done for Home Sweet Home.

So, today has been a little strange. Not bad. Just…strange.

Let me start with the fact that I have been feeling incredible all day. Like really incredible. Almost indescribable incredible. I have been feeling energized and charged and aware and eager. I don’t know what it is about or what has caused it.

I slept in a bit this morning. Only about an extra hour or so. Of course, I did this because I was up until 0130-0200 writing the above. I went through my morning. Admittedly, I did have about 30 minutes [maybe 45] of distracted time. I even at one point found myself starting to go through my file folders. I didn’t like go through the contents. I just sorted them out. I had lots of empties and quite a few that had no purpose any longer. So I just got them into piles. I didn’t plan to or mean to. It just sort of happened. At one point I even commented to myself, “I’m not sure what I’m doing here exactly but…OK. I’ll run with it.

I got out a little later than I would have liked. Not terribly late but definitely a slight behind what my plan would have been. I got two orders in a row pretty much right off the bat and they had some distance behind them but there was enough of a fare to make it a good start to the day.

Then business just dropped off completely. I didn’t get anything for almost 2 solid hours. At first you kind of ignore this. Gaps happen. So, I played some game and then sent some texts. A little more game. Then I worked on some to do lists. I tried to take care of another administrative item that became too complex for the phone.

At one point, I hear the whispers, “You could go and do the lottery in this time.” I thought, “yeah. I could.” But I didn’t have to. It was something I could squeeze in almost anywhere in the day. It came up a few more times. Just subtle little whispers, “Psssst.” Eventually, my ears began ringing something fierce.

“Fine!! I’ll go. But just let it be known that I am still not comfortable with this at all.”

On my way to the store where I purchase my tickets, I tried to zone in on it all. I figured if I’m going to do it, I might as well do it right. I did manage a vague sense of it. The whole idea was to be guided to the right ticket. No different than a few weeks ago. I looked first at the tickets by the register. Then I looked at each of the two machines.

There was one that had caught my eye almost right away. It fit all the parameters as well. Still, I thought it only fair and proper to at least peruse all of my options, see if anything else caught a vibe. When I returned to the counter tickets – where I saw the first one – another did catch my attention. It could fit enough of the parameters. Suddenly, I was conflicted. I didn’t know which one to choose. So, I pointed my finger back and forth until it decided to stop on one. It stopped on the second.

I bought 4 of those tickets and 1 for the MegaMillions drawing tonight. [I mean…why not?] I returned to The Rocket and sat, waiting for an order. Lunch was slow, but profitable enough. All things considered the first part of the day was pretty good.

I had a struggle today.

Every so often, The Warden decides she needs to try to ‘convert’ me to her brand of Christianity. She very much believes that everything I do spiritually is wrong and against G-d. So, today she sent me a video explaining how everything I do is wrong and against The Bible teachings.

I struggled all day long to not respond to that message. I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the phone and put it back down. I would get so far in the process and then just realize it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth spending the time or the energy on it. She’s not going to change my mind. No one is. I’m certainly not going to change hers. So, why bother engaging in the discussion or debate?

At one point I even considered a subtle, “Thanks, but no thanks” kind of response.

“I really appreciate you, but I am content in my relationship with G-d and the practices that go along with that. But, thanks anyway.”

I decided that even that was too much effort. I am content in my relationship with G-d. I do not need to defend it to anyone. Ever. Nor, do I have to explain it. It is my relationship, and it works. That is all I need to know.

I came back to New Geistopia at break time. I heated some pasta and ate. I put away the very, very few groceries that I got. I started movie. I haven’t watched through a whole movie since the Princesses and I watched History of the World Part I.

Of course, I also began to scratch the tickets. I got through two of them. They were not winners. I started on the third. It was getting kind of late into the day and I needed to get out on the road. Still, I continued scratching.

Suddenly, as if a switch went off, I just put the quarter down and got myself together and left for the shift. It wasn’t a great dinner shift. But at least I convinced myself to get out there and work it.

So, I am home now. I want to finish my movie and of course I want to finish scratching those tickets. I know how much I’d like to get from this. I know how much I have gotten in the past. I know this has worked for me, even recently. I know that I have many times wasted money.

I’m still not convinced that this was a good plan. I’m treating it more like an experiment than a desperate measure. I am in Quest Mode after all. The entire point to the Quest is to follow where you are led. So we shall see.

[Saturday 0637]

I’m feeling rather odd this morning. I use ‘odd’ only because no word seems to fit. I’m a little mellow. I’m not sad or stressed [despite the seemingly dire straits of my current situation.] My mind seems fogged but not muddled. Like my thoughts are clear, but my functioning is…different.

I am moving through this morning very slowly so far. Everything just seems even paced. I wish I could put a finger on the vibe. It feels like there is something coming, something shifting, something I do not know but will learn. I feel like it is today that whatever it is happens, or comes to light.

I don’t know.

Like I said, I don’t feel sad or worried or stressed. I just am not nearly as up and excitable as I have been for the past few days. It truly is as if I was in Quest mode – walking between planes – and now I am back. Perhaps that is what it is – just a bit of decompression.

I don’t feel in a hurry for anything. [I almost wish I did.] I’m just very, very slow this morning. It really is almost as if I am waiting for something. I know it doesn’t come this morning before I leave for work, but it’s out there lingering and waiting.

I spent some time thinking on the house last night. I cannot deny it feels right to be here. It feels like my home. Last night I very much felt like I did back around October – just really in tune with the home. I do believe it has been my gift, my blessing.

But then why so much struggle? Is it my fault? Am I getting something wrong in the process or my understanding? What am I missing? I expected struggle. I’m just feeling like it is more than it should be.

The part that concerns me is that the more lost I feel the slower I want to move. I want to hear and I want to see.

So…I won a whole $10 on the last ticket. I put that ticket on the bottom of the pile, believing it was the winner. At least I got that part right. So, I won $10…but I lost $30. No Regrets. I know going over to buy the ticket was the thing to do in that moment. Of that I have no doubt. But, I wonder if there is a Lesson buried within the experience.

The first ticket I looked at was $30. Obviously it also offered larger jackpots. I remember thinking, “$30 is a lot of money to be out of.” I allowed myself to make a different choice and I find that I am still out the $30. Perhaps I should have stuck with my first thought. We’ll never know how things could have gone had I chosen differently.

I’m not upset about it. Like I said, the cash wasn’t going to help me in any particular area anyway. It was just kind of lingering…waiting for a purpose. Now, I may take those winnings and whatever is left of my cash and use it to buy a few bags of pellets today. I need them again but I also need to stop using my PayPal card until I can see exactly where my finances are. [Which won’t be until tomorrow night.] Still, I will need gas today and perhaps even a bit again tomorrow.

In this week, I recalled that I knew a moment like this was coming. There were whispers a couple of weeks ago when I had a week similar to this one – starting very negative and struggling through the week to get caught up. I was driving along meditating and trying to find peace in my situation when the whisper came.

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better.”

I remember at the moment I tried to brush that off as my own inner doubts and worry coming to the surface. Yet, here we are. It definitely got worse. But, I imagine that means now it can better.

Okay. I have to get functional. I’m just really feeling inclined to capture these days almost a moment at a time. Like something is brewing but it will only make sense if we see the path it followed. [Again, much like Home Sweet Home.]

I have some laundry to fold. I need to eat and shower. Then I need to get to this day. It is getting later than I would normally like.

(But, then, maybe that is the point.)

[Sunday 0726]

Sunday’s are slower days in the morning. So I thought I would try to finish this up and round it out. I mean, technically the week is not over till tonight, but I don’t anticipate any major events.

Yesterday was a decent day. It could have been better and would have been if I had gotten out just a little earlier. But, I am happy with the way the day went. It flowed smoothly.

I also found some things ‘on the side of the road.’ This was my big blessing of the day. I was on my way to a drop off when I spotted it all and I made sure to come back through that way. What caught my eye were 2 red ice chests. Cuddlebug is wanting a combo birthday/graduation party here with her friends. We will need ice chests. Something I didn’t think about until I saw those two ice chests on the side of the road. [Another fine example of G-d is working on our needs before we know we need them.]

Besides the two ice chests, I also found a gas powered leaf blower. This is something I have been wanting. It is just a lot of raking which is why I couldn’t finish the leaves before winter set in. I don’t know if it works. I’m going to ask my neighbor [who will need a nickname] if he can get me started with some gas and oil just so I can see if it works. Then I’ll have to figure out how to get a supply of my own.

There was a mirror. A small wall one. I’ve been wanting one. I know New Geistopia needs one. I’m just not certain where it goes yet. I have thoughts, but I do not know how I feel about it.

There was an end table, which made it’s way nicely into the bar room [or – The New MattCave.] There was some sort of little cart thing. I don’t really get it. It looks like something someone put together themselves. For now, it functions as a little decorative side table in ‘The Office.’ Finally, there was a bunch of long, fake orchids. Those told me where they were going long before we got back to the house. That’s where they are and every time I look over there I absolutely love it.

At the early part of dinner, I got a text from Big Boss’ wife, Twirlie. Once again, The Theatre’s dishwasher has stopped showing up. I’m actually quite surprised by this. She had asked me to go in if I was close by and could. I gave this serious consideration.

My issue is that part of me feels obligated. The Theatre is obviously in my life for a reason because it keeps coming around. [G-d’s plan and all that.] But, I was in no way prepared. I didn’t have my food service shoes. I do prefer to wear other clothes. And, just in general, I wasn’t feeling it. But, I struggled with it.

Eventually, I texted them and told them that I couldn’t last night, but we would touch base about moving forward. Then I came home, did my administrative stuff, had dinner and finally…played some game.

I had actually been thinking about it all day. It has been a while since I have taken that time and I wanted to do it and get it out of my system for a bit. It wasn’t just about playing game though. I wanted to spend some time down in The New MattCave. I don’t spend much time down there at all and I really need to stay connected with it.

That was my day and now we are here.

I do need to get moving and get out on the road. I think I am going to try just staying out all day. If I feel the need for a rest I can take one in The Rocket. I have no tasks nor chores to which I must attend today. I will have plenty of food and drink with me.

I have a certain dollar amount I am looking to make today. It is not impossible. Even if I make it, I will still start tomorrow in the red. That will probably stretch into Tuesday but by the end of Tuesday I should be back on track. The trick to today is that I cannot get gas today. I need to wait until at least tomorrow morning so it won’t post until Wednesday morning. So, the question is, will I make the money I want to make before I need to get gas?

I feel like I have learned quite a bit from the past two weeks. If not learned, at least observed.

First, I look at this past week. I survived it. I came into it $200-$300 in the red. That is how I started Monday morning. Throughout the week [and I don’t have the actual total yet] I spent about $200 in overdraft fees. I did have to skip my rent this week with the promise that I will fit it in to some future payments. I’m not happy about this but I am also not the first person to have to adjust their housing payment.

But, what I see, right off the bat, is that between the money I was short to begin with and what I paid in fees, that was my rent payment. This means that, assuming I started free and clear, even with days like Monday and Thursday I could have done this week perfectly.

This tells me that there is time to take off from the road and focus on other things. I just need to find the flow of it so that it doesn’t build up and cause this kind of situation again. I have been obsessed with the need to make money. Now I need to find balance.

I need time to take care of things around New Geistopia. I need time to nurture other ventures. I need time just for me.

It’s there. It’s all there. That is what these past two weeks have shown me. The first week showed me how important it is to ‘Take Care of the Shop.’ This week showed me that there is time to do it all and still survive.

I think that is all I have at the moment.

[1006]

I just got to my usual driving area. On my way here I had a moment.

I was driving along thinking about the past couple of weeks and moving forward. I had just thought to myself that I need to relax and et it flow. I do best when I just let it flow. That’s when I saw it on the side of the road.

Before my brain to register what I was looking at it was up and taking flight – directly across the path of The Rocket.

A Bald Eagle.

You don’t see these often around here. [Trust me. M6y eyes spend a lot of time watching the birds in the sky.] So, not only is it rare to see one but to have it be right there on the ground and fly in front of me is something else. I think there was another one on the side of the road that had been killed.

The Bald Eagle was one of the most sacred and revered birds. It is practically representative of G-d himself.

Perhaps there is more to this day than I had thought.

[2140]

It was quite a day. I made my money. Just a smidgen more actually. I made it home with just the right amount of gas for tomorrow morning. I also made it home fairly early.

I learned two things about my delivery driving today.

First, I really need to be open to expanding my comfort zone. I made two deliveries up to the other end of The Valley today. One at the end of each of my shifts. It’s not a bad drive really – depending on the time of day and the day of the week. So, as long as the money is fair, there is no reason I can’t take the occasional trip up that way. As my second round demonstrated, I can also get work when I am up that way.

That being said – conversely, I must really limit my work in the center of The Valley. Almost every time I pick up or drop off in that area it is some sort of aggravation. That was my experience today.

I was making my way back from the other end of The Valley when I got an offer for two orders. Both were being picked up in one of the areas I generally avoid. They were close to each other. The first drop off was close to both of those. None of that would take long at all. The last drop off was smack dab in center city. Another area I avoid. However, the job paid just about 20 bucks. So, I took it.

The first pick up was a mess. The restaurant had no record of the order. The App had me on the phone for way too long trying to convince the restaurant to make the order. [Which they wouldn’t].] Finally, the order had to be cancelled. This was a large order and most likely the bulk of the tip. The second order was the one to be delivered in center city. I had them cancel me from that order as well.

I should have ignored it and just kept heading home.

I was dealing with a lot of Christ energy today. I’m not yet sure what to make of that so I will comment no further.

My ‘chore’ for the day was working at my filing cabinets. I didn’t quite finish the job. I got it done Just Enough to keep it functional. I have a few folders that need to be labeled. I should put all the files in some sort of order. But, I got through all the trash and resorted and filed the folders in different drawers for different purposes. There’s still plenty to do. But at least now I know where to find things…or put them away.

It was a fun little journey. I found, or re-discovered, so many lost pieces of myself.

In other news, my brain chipped away at this extra WTML project. It is developing. Slowly but surely.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Cardinal - Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance

They remind us that, regardless of the time of day or year, we always have the opportunity to renew our own vitality and recognize our own life roles. Whistles are often reminders to listen closely - to pay attention to what is blowing on the winds. Reflects that we should be listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being. Almost always reflects a need to assert the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly. Can reflect a need to b more careful about your diet, that what you are eating may be injurious to yourself and affecting your overall vitality. Reflects the rhythm of 12 that is going to become more predominant within your own life. Reflects lessons associated with responsibility and the recognition of the task at hand. May reflect past-life connections with the church, or even a reviving of more traditional religious beliefs, regardless of denomination. Remind us to add color to our lives, and remember that everything is of importance.

Deer – Gentleness and Innocence – Gentle Luring to New Adventures

They have been able to adapt to every sort of habitat. Buddha is often pictured with a deer. Antlers are symbols of antennae, connections to higher forms of attunement. Look for new perceptions and degrees of perceptions to expand for as much as the next five years. Can indicate that there will be opportunities to stimulate gentle new growth increasingly over the next few years. Leads us back to the primal wisdom. A deer’s senses are very acute. Find increasing ability to detect subtle movements and appearances. Begin to hear what may not be said directly. Time to be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. There is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? An opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you.

Eagle - Illumination of Spirit, Healing, and Creation.

Balance of being of the Earth, but not in it. The soul, the spirit, and warmth of life. The resurrection. Punishment and reward. Greater sight and perception. Reflects an awakening ability or the need to learn to walk between worlds. Heroic nobility and divine spirit. The rediscovery of the inner child. Alchemy. Involvement with creativity. A willingness to experience extremes in a controlled condition. A willingness to use your passions to purify and to use your abilities, even if you get scorched a little in the process. The need to stay connected to and use things of the Earth. Important to know when to speak, how much, how strongly. New vision will open. The ability to hear - spiritually and physically - may also increase. Cooperative responsibility. A healing role. Opportunities (even those thought long lost) will arise - learn to see and snatch them up. A new sense of timing and movement will begin to develop Primal force inherent and easily awakened. Take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be. Events will now fly faster, repercussions for everything you think, do and say (or fail to) - positive and negative - will be both stronger and quicker. A powerful new dimension to life and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth. Touch all of life with healing and become the mediator and the bearer of new creative forces within the world.

Goose - The Call of the Quest and Travels to Legendary Places

A totem reflecting a stimulation of the childhood thrill and belief in stories and legendary places. These stories either reflected an imprint for this life or they may have even imprinted you with certain seed ideas. Also be a totem to aid you in communication especially through the use of stories. Individuals wishing to write - be it stories or anything - can facilitate this process by working with the goose as a totem. It will stimulate the imagination and help move you through creative blocks. Also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. It may reflect a need for more vegetables in the diet, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian for a while. It reflects an ability to move forward or backward. It reflects movement, and a call to the spiritual quest. Stirs our imagination and makes us want to seek out new worlds and dimensions. Calling us to follow them on the great spiritual quest. It speaks of the fulfilled promises that great quests bring. Epitomizes the mystery of migration. Reminds us that as any one individual mass his or her quest, it becomes easier for others to do so as well. Reminding us that we should not undertake any quest in life without having a full view of what it entails. In this way the journey is facilitated for others. Reflects an opening to new possibilities. New directions and new possibilities. Reflects an openness to new ideas. Usually indicates we are about to affix ourselves to a new path. Reflects great fertility that should be acted upon if growth is desired. Greater vision, physical and spiritual, will occur. Can reflect that you are about to break free of old childhood restraints and begin to come into your own. You can expect to have the imagination stirred towards new travels to distant places - whether in the body or mind.

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill.

Mouse - Attention to Detail.

It is either time to pay attention to details, or an indication that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You may be getting so locked into details that you forget the big picture. Are you taking care of the trivial, yet necessary, things of life? Are you getting so lost in big dreams that you are neglecting other aspects of your life? Are you becoming so focused on one or two activities that you are neglecting other opportunities? Are you missing what is right in front of you? Is there something obvious that you are missing or need to focus on? Are you trying to do too many things at once and therefore scattering your energies? Mouse can show how to pay attention to detail; how to attain the big things by working on the little things. Lessons associated with attention.

Rabbit - Fertility and New Life

Often seen as an animal that can lead one unknowingly into the Faerie realm. A symbol for sexuality and fertility. Usually, you will begin to see a cycle of 28 days beginning to manifest in your life. Those with rabbit totems will see movement occur in their life in varying degrees of hops and leaps. It won’t be steady step-by-step movement. The leaps and hops do not usually take more than the cycle of The Moon (28 days) to occur. Plan for possibilities. May indicate the need to do some more planning or review those you have already set in motion. You do not want to box yourself into a corner. Important not to foreshadow your moves. Learning to shift from freezing to great speeds will aid in your success and enables you to take advantage of opportunities that may present themselves for brief moments. May need to examine the kinds of food being consumed. For the greatest health and well-being, a vegetarian diet, even if only temporary, will strengthen and heal. How to recognize the tides of movement within your life. This in turn will enable you to become even more fertile in your life.