Supplemental: Home Sweet Home - A Journey, pt. 3

Saturday, October 8, 2022

I lied.

OK. I didn’t lie. I just didn’t have all of the information. [There’s a surprise.] I wrote that the last entry would be my last entry. I said that because, at the time, it seemed for certain that the house was going to be sold and I would be back living in The Rocket. That’s not how it went. However, I figured that if it didn’t sell Brother John and I would be having a rental discussion. That’s not exactly how it went either.

So, Sunday night and Monday I did my packing up and finished off the cleaning as promised. It was all a very odd feeling. Here I was doing one of my cleanings for someone else to move in. I felt sad. I knew I was leaving…yet for some reason I didn’t believe I would be gone long.

Monday night I snuck back and slept in the driveway. I didn’t come in the house at all. I kept my word in regards to that. I said I would be out Monday morning and I was out. But, I figured sleeping in the driveway wouldn’t hurt anyone. I had planned to do the same thing on Tuesday night.

Sometime on Tuesday evening, I received a message from Brother John. He told me that I didn’t have to worry about taking the trash out that night. He did it. He also told me that the family decided they were going to start staying in the house already on Tuesday night.

I was devastated. Looking back, honestly, I think I was more upset about losing my overnight parking space than anything else. I just really hate sleeping in parking lots and I was not looking forward to starting that any sooner than I already would be. Still that frustration got taken out on the situation as a whole.

I had a bit of a break. I was kinda pissed…and I definitely had a few choice words for G-d. [Yes, I shared them with him as well.] Like, seriously, what kind of game have we been playing here? What was the point to the whole damn exercise? I vented and screamed a bit. Then a response came.

“Don’t worry about it. Tomorrow it will all be fine.”

That really didn’t help me at all. “For 25 years,” I said,” you have been telling me it will all get better one day. And, in 25 years, one day has not come. I don’t want promises. No more promises. Give me proof.”

Wednesday, I went about my business. I just simply did my thing. I didn’t really think about it much at all. It was what it was and life was now going to have to move forward.

Monday, October 17, 2022

I had to stop writing before and get things done. It was a weird and crazy week which is why I didn’t get back to it until now. Of course, things have changed since that entry, but before I can tell you where we are, I need to tell you how we got here.

So, like I said, that Wednesday I went about life. I had my plans set. I was going to work and then park overnight at the gym so I could get myself showered in the morning. It was just another ordinary day at that point. I was back in the saddle, you could say.

At 2:22 I received a message from Brother John, “The Sale fell through.”

KA-BAM!

There was a brief exchange – what happened, possible rental, etc. But it all ends with me being able to move back in here until something shifts.

For me, that was ‘Proof.’ That went down precisely as it was whispered in my ear. I was told flat out that it would fall apart in the last moments. This was 2 ½ to 3 hours before the official closing. I was told that it would all be OK and suddenly it was.

I was at a point in my day when I could just cut-off for a bit. So, I went and gathered up the stuff I just packed up and moved out and brought it back. I got the basics into place, like blowing up the air mattress, so I could at least function when I returned that night.

That Friday, the new round of showings would begin. There must have been about 25 in a week. The challenges this presented were relatively easy. I was constantly working to keep the house presentable before I left each day. However, I noticed that I tend to do that anyway. I like to come home to order. That way I’m not feeling overwhelmed right away with a list of things to do. I also had to tweak my schedule around the showings. For the most part, this worked out naturally. I think there was only once that I found myself twiddling my thumbs for an hour.

In the 11 days since I moved back in, I have become quite comfortable and cozy. Brother John had offered to bring both his microwave and TV back over. He did bring the microwave, but I told him I would take care of the TV. So, now I have this cozy little set-up in the basement. It’s the same TV stand set-up I used at The Nest. I have my two red folding chairs which are big and usually comfortable. There is a little end table between them.

I am currently as set as I need to be at the moment. I have my TV set-up for movies, TV and Music. I even brought the 360 over just in case I feel inspired to play some games. [Though I am setting aside specific time next week to do that.] I have a fully functional kitchen and we are getting along just fine. I have my laptop for doing miscellaneous work. I brought my printer over as well in case I get myself to a point where I can take on some different work. I have my bed and a whole closet full of clothes.

I even have a space good enough for filming.

I organized my cans for processing and salvaging. I weeded the beds along the back and side of the house. I uncovered pretty little plants and even some mint. That was a big deal because mint was always abundant in The Garden at Olde Geistopia. Every year I had a huge crop. Huuuuuge. I couldn’t give enough of it away. [And, believe, me I kept plenty for me and The Princesses.]

I have settled a bit more and I feel at home. However, I have not moved more than what is needed into the house yet. First, I am trying to keep it presentable for showings. So, I don’t want to clutter it up with the randomness that is my home furnishing collection. Second, I am trying to be practical. As much as I want this home, as much as I may believe it is right, there is still always that possibility that things take a different direction. So, I don’t want to have a lot to move out should that time come. Third, even if I were officially moving in, I would take it very slowly. I would have that option and I would utilize it. I have all of my essentials for living here at this point. Anything else I might need, it is something I must buy. If there is any kitchen stuff or clothing left in The Cave it is buried so deep within that it I irrelevant for the moment. So, I work in stages. One load at a time. Making sure everything on each load is relevant and pertinent to the moment.

I have slightly expanded my ‘use’ of the home and property. For the most part, I still spend the bulk of my time in the basement. It’s the most convenient set-up and it keeps me [my stuff] out of the way for showings. However, I have meditated in a few different spots so far. On the Full Moon I sat out on the sun porch and just chilled. I lit candles and listened to music. I sipped on my coffee as I watched the moon in the sky. [If I am fortunate enough to do that again, it would be tea.]

I have put my metal in the garage and organized it for working. When I weeded, I put the tools and the waste into the garden shed.

This week both The College and The Theatre contacted me about some work. I had put them both off because I just can’t find it within myself any longer to take on all the extra stuff while living out of The Rocket.

Living in The Rocket is a miserable enough experience on its own. It is difficult and suffocating and defeating on a regular and daily basis. I have to fight my way through that every day. I not only have to struggle with the finances and the food and all of that, but I also have to struggle to keep my spirits in a right and proper place. I am not complaining. It is what it is. Unfortunately, it is sucky.

Anyway, dealing with all of that is sucky enough. But add in the stress and challenge of juggling schedules and changing clothes and working in showers so that I can do all the extra stuff and it just becomes painful.

I have come to the sad realization that I cannot get myself into a home until I can get my life balanced and productive and fruitful once more. I have been seeking and pursuing other work. Unsuccessfully thus far. [Also working a regular job living out of The Rocket is no big treat either.] The only other way I know to get it all together is to be doing all of that random stuff. That’s the stuff that makes my life work right. It always has been.

So, I was at The College today and The Theatre yesterday. In both instances, it felt natural and right to be where I was. I always love my time at The Theatre. I just can’t commit to it the way I once did. Not at this particular point in my journey. And, The College and I have a history.

It is actually on a list of a very select grouping of things I have tried to leave in the past and move on from that keeps coming back over and over again. That campus and I have a history and we have a future and we must live them through.

Anyway, I told both The College and The Theatre that for as long as I was in the house I could be available to do some stuff. However, the minute that changes I cannot.

I came home from The Theatre yesterday feeling very accomplished and satisfied. Things were going well at that point. I made Just Enough money in the week [and at The Theatre] to be satisfied. I managed a host of chores, odd jobs and social time throughout the week. There haven’t been any showings in a few days.

I even found some resolve in the whole house situation. They are still trying to sell it and I get that. I respect that and I have been trying to honour it even in my own workings towards the house. They have their reasons. So, they are not ready to look at renting it out.

That’s ok. Because I am not currently in a proper position to take that on.

And…that’s ok. Because they are not ready to do it.

Life was good. Perfect, you might say.

When I got home, Brother John was here taking care of a couple of odd things. He also dropped off the microwave. It was then that I would learn there had been an offer made on the house. There is an inspection tomorrow and the closing is currently scheduled for Nov. 5th.

I definitely felt a bit of panic and fear. I contained it until he left and then dealt with it.

Here’s where I am at…

I am just going to continue on as planned. It is totally possible that the house sells. That the settlement happens. In that case, I need to move myself out. Nothing about my current lifestyle, nor plans, makes that a difficult task. I can do it with relative ease and fluidity should that time come.

If it falls through, we may be back to showings. There is nothing in my lifestyle, nor plans, that will interfere with that. Ot, perhaps we will finally talk about renting, in which case I am set and ready to just move forward.

October 31st is the next marker I was given. I consider the last one I was given even though there have been indications of a March timeframe. I’m stopping at October 31st because March is just too far away to consider at the moment.

So, I was guiding everything around that anyway. I was not going to make any changes or bring anymore stuff until then. I wasn’t going to make any choices or judgment calls until that date. I mean, that is typical for any year really. October 31st is the last day of my productive year. The three months following are all devoted to the before, during, and after of Yule.

So, I am always waiting with a sort of bated breath to see where my life is at come Samhain. Because it, whatever it is, is what I have to work with for the next three months. Nothing starts to change again until February. Year after year after year. To be honest, that was a very difficult Cycle to recognize and even harder to accept. But it is what it is and that is what it is every year.

I am still going to do my work. I am going to try to pop in at The College a few times over the next couple of weeks. I am going to work on my metal. I am going to continue the weeding as I can.

I am still going to take off The New Moon. I am going to play Xbox and take a ritual soak and clean the house and whatever else inspires me that day.

I am still going to have The Princesses here on Halloween for our traditions. I am even going to bring the table and chairs up for dinner. In fact, I may start that process tomorrow night. Once the inspector has been here there will be no more in and out traffic which is why I hadn’t already brought them.

I think this could be good because it would move me back upstairs. I am kind of disconnected from everything being in the basement all the time. I may just move the laptop up there and eat meals at the table for now. Or, I may decide to move the TV and such up there. [But probably not because I think we should watch our Halloween movie down here. It is a chill space and they should get a chance to experience it.]

It's still all very odd for me. I believe with every fiber of my being, deep in my bones, that this is where I belong. If I look to my gut it tells me that this place is mine and I need not worry about it.

But, all ‘reality’ once again tells a different story. They’re not ready to rent it. I can’t commit to it at the moment and I certainly couldn’t buy it. There is a new offer on the table, and, if I’m being honest, this one feels like it has a very strong chance of going all the way.

So, I just don’t know how to feel. Hence, my plan is to just do my thing until I am told how to feel. First is the inspection. If that goes well I will know how to feel. If it changes the sale, I will know how to feel.

In the meantime I am just going to do me. I will prepare myself for anything. If there is one thing that that Wednesday taught me is that things truly can change in the blink of an eye and right at the last minute. It was a reminder to me that nothing is guaranteed until it actually happens.

I’ll keep you posted, Fellow Travelers.

Saturday, November 5, 2022

Just when you think it is over, it seems to only begin. When you think it is beginning, the end suddenly seems so terribly near.

I really have no idea where I left off with you, Fellow Travelers. Nor do I have time to go back and read things to find out. So, here we will have a little update and a quick refresh.

When I started staying here in late August, the house was already under contract with a closing on October 5. That sale fell through at the last minute. [3 hours prior.] About a week and a half – and several showings later – the house was under contract again for November 5th. [Today.]

I don’t know when it happened, why it happened, how it happened – but somewhere along the line that sale fell through as well. I only learned of this when showings began again. Nonetheless, today I received a message saying it was under contract once more [the 5th time] with a closing around December 17th.

Admittedly, I felt a cringe. I mean, it was inevitable. I couldn’t make an offer on the house, so someone had to. I just sort of liked the limbo of it all – the seeming endlessness to the arrangement. I liked not having a date to which I look forward and dread. [Is that grammatically correct? If it is…*in best PA Dutch accent* Ve talk dumb vunct.]

On the other hand, a pending closing means no more showings. I can just be me. I don’t have to worry about tidying up or bending my schedule or what piles I leave here or there. I can just do my thing – such as see The Princesses in peace. Also, through this process I have learned just how inconsiderate people can be. I came home so many times to lights on, things moved, basement door [inside] open when it wasn’t before. The screen that was covering it just set aside. The other day I found an upstairs window screen that was open. I didn’t put it up. Why would I do that? That means someone had that window open for some reason and just left the screen up. Someone even took 5 bricks out of the firepit for some reason. [Are you detecting a Theme here with the 5s, Fellow Travelers?]

So, anyway, I no longer have to deal with that crap.

After a few hours to let this all process, I am feeling a little more relaxed. After all, It Is What It Is. The closing will either happen or it won’t. Six weeks is an awfully long time. [And Anything Can Happen in Six Minutes.] I mean, I’m pretty sure I had about 5-6 weeks when I first started being here and that fell through only moments before the deadline. So, who the hell knows what is going to happen.

If it sells, then I move on…to somewhere. Even if it is back to The Lil Red Rocket. Been there. Done that. I’ve lived that life. So…It’s Whatever. If it falls through for some reason, then I may get to continue on a little longer. [AMEN. Praise the Lord.] Who knows. Perhaps by December 17th I will find myself in a better situation and be able to aggressively pursue the house.

In any case, here is how I feel about it all.

First, after the past 10 weeks and 2 failed closings [plus all the little magickal moments along the way] I find it a little difficult to take the prospect of the house selling very seriously. I see it more as an illusion. Or, as I explained to Cuddlebug earlier, a stall.

The Universe is stalling. To what end, exactly, I cannot be sure. To try to be sure would just be foolish. It could be anything. The stall could be for the purposes of setting me up better to be here permanently. It could be to buy time for me to continue to gather and organize and build so that I am better prepared for whatever is next should I leave here.

Quite frankly, it could have absolutely nothing to do with me. I’m only looking at it from my perspective, so, of course, it all revolves around me. LOL.

In either case, there is a definite ending and it is set in stone. There is really nothing I can do but be along for the ride. [*sarcastically* Cause there’s something I haven’t tried before.] Actually, I haven’t – in the big picture of things – but that has not always been because of my thinkings and doings. Nonetheless, it is all irrelevant at the moment and babble for another time.

I vowed several weeks ago that if I didn’t see a shift or change to my life I was going to give up and just live my life. I never really have. I’ve always held back for some reason or another. Though I have seen changes in my life, I am resolved to keep that vow. I am going to live my life for me – not for family, or friends, or society, or income, or even a home.

I am applying that philosophy to the house. Especially now that there won’t be showings again. I am just going to do me and be me. I am going to invest in my life as I need to do so. For instance, the girls are coming for dinner on Tuesday. To make our dinner I needed either a bigger pan or a second one. So I got it. They use ice. I do not. I’ll get ice cube trays. The chair. An end table that I found on the side of the road.

I’m just going to live the shit out of this place for the next six weeks. I am decorated for Thanksgiving and you can be sure as shit that I will decorate for Christmas. I’ll just leave it up and enjoy it for as long as I can.

I still believe this is the place for me. Even if it is not, I believe it is the place that will help define me. It just feels so comfortable and right – even in the face of losing it altogether. As I move around and settle things in, I still get flashes of time – time when I have seen it all before.

Six weeks, Fellow Travelers.

Such a very long, and, yet, brief, amount of time.

Saturday, November 12, 2022

It’s only been a week and not much has changed. I just felt the need to kind of touch base.

This week Brother John fixed some things around the house. There was an appraisal on Thursday, followed by a home inspection on Friday. Now the inspection is where things have gone awry in the past, so we will see.

I’m still having flashes of comfort. Those moments when it seems as if I have seen all of this before. Those moments that tell me this is so right.

I’m also settling in more, even though that still is not my actual plan. This coming week I need to go and get air mattresses for the girls. They are coming to spend the night on Thanksgiving Eve and I want them to be comfortable. Or, at least, comfortable enough.

I still cannot fathom how this could play out the way I would like it to play out. I have pushed and tried and I am still just scratching the surface of my finances. They also don’t seem very interested in renting.

G-d has a Plan.