Supplemental: Home Sweet Home - A Journey, pt. 4

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

I wasn’t entirely satisfied with the previous entry. I wanted to get something jotted down, but I was hurried and harried. I didn’t re-read it, but I have been feeling as though I didn’t really do justice to the current state of things.

This has been a whole thing. This entire experience has just been taking its toll on me. It’s not bad. I’m not suffering. I’m just struggling. No matter how hard I try or push, no matter how good my intentions, things just are going their own way and their way is not mine.

So, all of that official stuff happened. The appraisal and then the inspection on Friday. I don’t know how long the paperwork end of the inspection takes. However, today the buyers had a contractor come by the house. They had some concerns about the furnace. Though I’m not sure why. Anyway, it would seem that they are very serious about the house.

This makes it all very hard on me. As hopeless as it appears, I still believe I am finally home. I belong right where I am. I don’t know how that could possibly happen nor how it would work long term. But I am as confident as I can be that it will ultimately be what comes to pass.

I’m still having flashes of past, present, and future. They come randomly and they are not as frequent as before. But they still come. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned it anywhere, but I know that recently I saw snow. I mean, it wasn’t actually snowing. It was a vision. Similar to the vision I had of October/November – which did eventually come to pass. Perhaps this will as well.

My confidence in the situation stems from October 5th. That was a pivotal day in my life overall. Everything went down exactly as I was told it would. I had known for several days at least [and I’m being conservative] how it was going to end that day. I was told it would fall apart at the very last minute and that is exactly what happened.

For a moment, it looked like it all went awry. They decided to “move in” the night before the closing and I thought for certain that the deal was done and this adventure was over. Needless to say, I found myself a bit frustrated and irritated. One might even say I was angry. Like, what did we just go through all of this for?

“Just wait. It’s not over.”

I asked for proof and I got it on October 5th. It was proof of more than just that moment. For me, it was all much bigger than that. Nonetheless, I moved back into the house and resumed feeling confident that it was my home. After all, I had already mentioned the possibility of renting to Brother John and, when the sale fell through, he told me they were looking into that. Still, they have decided to continue on the sale path. I get that and totally understand.

But it all leaves me in a bit of an awkward place. I can’t lean too heavily towards one mindset or the other. I have to walk a fine line between them – maintaining and nurturing each without influencing in any way. Like, I can’t just move my stuff in and be like, “hey I’m home.” First of all, that’s kinda rude. [I’ve been doing some of that, but more in a moment.] I mean, what if I am wrong and then suddenly I have to pack up and move out.

But what if I am right and I spend all of my thoughts and energies on the future of ‘being out”? What have I done then?

So, I am left In-Between.

All across the board. Every aspect of this has me playing both sides of the coin simultaneously.

For instance, I made friends with the mice. [It’s what I do.] We had a good relationship going for a while. But, then, Brother John decided he wanted to set traps. Though I didn’t want to see my friends and Totems find their demise in such a way, I could not interfere. Instead, I would have to verbally encourage them to stay away. It didn’t work. Three times it hasn’t worked.

So, it has me feeling In-Between. I honour the Totem relationship. I do. And I don’t much mind their presence. We can have a good symbiotic relationship. This was proven at The Nest with King Harold I. They follow certain rules. I leave tributes. It’s all good. But, I can’t do that because I keep leading them to their deaths and I’m not OK with that. [Also, one of them is not following rules very well lately. Of course, I haven’t been leaving tributes of late either. I don’t want them to keep dying.]

I have been doing little things to keep the house tidy and orderly. I’ve cleaned a few times now. I keep my own stuff fairly organized and groomed. I’ve set pretty little pictures here and there throughout the house. I’ve just set things up in a way that is aesthetically pleasing. I’ve fixed a thing or two.

Cuddlebug gave me some shit. She told me to stop doing things to make it nicer for potential buyers. I told her it was a tricky thing. It only seems right to take care of things while I am here. It is who I am and in my nature. Also, for me, doing these things is like planting seeds. I am telling The Universe that I can and will care for the home. If it makes it nicer and the house sells then I still did a good thing. I lose out. But I did a good thing.

In-Between.

I have been trying not to be too settled. I wanted to live and function but I didn’t really want to move in, as I said. Yet, the longer this process goes on, the more settled I seem to become. Some of it is out of a bit of necessity. Some has been circumstance. And a bit has even been desire.

I’ve had to buy things along the way. Things I needed [or wanted] in order to live and function better. First it was a dustpan/broom and a mop so I could clean the floors. After that, I needed to get two heaters. Then, the girls were coming for dinner so I needed more plates and bowls and utensils and cups.

For dinner night I also needed a table and chairs so I brought those up from The Cave. They were only meant to stay for Halloween dinner night. But then that sale fell through and so they have remained. The girls and I will use them again on Thanksgiving Eve.

Then I needed a rake to clean up the leaves. So, I went and bought one.

All those utensils I bought were moving around the drawer all the time and it was driving me nuts. So, I bought a caddy.

The girls came for dinner again and I didn’t have a pan large enough to cook it in so I bought a new pan.

The girls are coming on Thanksgiving Eve and I need to go buy Air Mattresses.

All these things leave me In-Between. On one hand, perhaps I am just setting up my home – one little bit at a time. On the other hand, I may just be leaving myself with a whole lot of extra stuff to pack up and store. In either case, I figure it is all stuff I need for a home and now I have it.

I think I have said before how Brother John offered to bring his TV back and I told him I would just bring mine up. So, now my TV is here. Along with it came the tables to set it on and my xbox. The tables were necessary to hold the TV – which was desire mixed with opportunity. And the Xbox was strictly desire.

All of this is what brought the chair to being desired. It is quite perfect, too.

Then there is all of the miscellany that has been finding its way around. While I am here and have the opportunity, I have been cleaning up and organizing The Cave. This involves me bringing stuff up to the house to sort through and organize and repack.

Overall, I am quite pleased with this process. This has been a three year quest. But I just never had the room to work it properly. Everything was jammed in The Cave and moved and piled and jumbled. The Cave was the only space in which I had to work. Now that I have been able to take things out, I am impressed with just how much space with which there is to play. All I have to do is sort it and box it back up and put it back in with some sort of order and system.

As I’ve been going through this process, I have been finding random things that I could use. It’s all sorts of random stuff. From stuff in the kitchen to different ministerial supplies, to office stuff, to decorations. As long as it seems to serve a purpose, I am putting these things out. I am letting them find a home. Even if it is temporary.

I never intended on being this settled in. But I do appreciate it. I am enjoying it. The way it is happening is what catches my attention. It is unfolding precisely the way I described it to Cuddlebug over the summer.

When we were here house sitting, Cuddlebug and I would spend our early morning hours sitting outside just chilling and chatting. We very often talked about what it would be like to live here – how we would handle it. I told her that I wouldn’t move in all at once but in stages. I said I would take it slow and let it all find its own way naturally.

I explained that I would start with the necessities – those things that were critical to functioning, such as the air mattress, kitchenware, etc. Then I would get to some comfort things such as the TV setup. Then, I would just do a load of boxes at a time.

I told her that I would buy things as needed and not before. I would get what I needed to move in and settle [like a utensil caddy or a rake] as the need arose. Likewise, when it was time I would get whatever was needed to have them spend time here – dinnerware, air mattresses, etc. But only when needed.

That is precisely the way things have been happening.

One Single Solitary Step.

Each in its Own.

I’m going to continue to let it happen that way. I have one more decent pile of boxes to go through. Then it is just a matter of organizing the stuff a bit better and eventually packing it up, as required. But, I will put out and use whatever I can in the meantime. The truth is, almost all of my stuff is here now. I find that somewhat amusing.

There are boxes of books and such that are all packed and stored properly, so they don’t need to be touched at this time. There are cabinets and desks and such that also have no need to be moved at this time. And I have stuff in the top of the garage but that is all very specific stuff that only has occasional need and that is why it is in the top of the garage. So that doesn’t have to be touched unless necessary.

Other than that I have a collection of empty boxes for sorting and storing and perhaps a few more small boxes of miscellaneous stuff. I do have my collection of tools in the garage at the moment. Crafty/tool stuff would live out there if I lived here. So, that’s where I have been putting it as it finds its way up here. But, I also put it out there because it is all packed decent enough at this time. If I get a chance to tweak it together better, great. If not, the project still lives on.

Current closing is scheduled for [on or about] December 17th. That is still 5-ish weeks away. In the chaos that is my life that is like an eternity. It is not today, nor tomorrow. It is not even next week. For as quickly as things shift and change around me it is pointless to think that far ahead. All I can do is see where I am at when we get there, Fellow Travelers.

Sometime ago, the message came, “You can have what you want but it will require sacrifice.”

I have been trying to make sense of that insight ever since. I’ve tried sacrificing by committing myself to a strict working regimen. I’ve tried sacrificing by seeking out new employment [even though I really, really like what I do.] Though I have truly expanded my menu, I have been trying to hold food expenses at bay. I have looked for ways to tighten and trim my budget. I have found some and there are more, I suppose, but those sacrifices also affect The Princesses and that makes them a conversation to be had before decisions are made.

So far, none of that seems to have been doing the trick.

I have even made, what I consider, sacrifices by going back to The Theatre. It’s been presented to me. It’s not really what I want to get myself involved in but maybe it is part of the path.

Still, I am not seeing the kind of change I would like.

I am currently struggling with more personal changes – Habits & Distractions. This is always my struggle really. But beyond all of this, I do not know what sacrifice is required. Only time will tell, Fellow Travelers.

Or perhaps it is like the story of Saul and what I must do is just…wait.

Tuesday, November 29, 2022

I thought it might be time for an update. Nothing has really changed. Not in regards to The House situation anyway. Things are still moving ahead towards a closing in Mid-December. In fact, the buyers were here today with a septic guy. I don’t know what all they were scoping out, but I do know that it includes the cost of getting a new tank.

So, they seem very interested.

Cuddlebug asked me if today’s visit was a good thing or a bad thing. I answered, “On one hand it is bad because it means they are very serious. On the other hand it may be good because it may be what turns the tides.

I can’t get a vibe. Up until October 5th everything was very strong on believing and trusting. Then something shifted but I don’t know when or how. I can’t say that it was a bad change. I just wasn’t feeling the same things anymore. For so long, I was having flashes and recalls and visions. Then all of a sudden it just kind of stopped.

I’m not sure what caused that and I’m not certain it means that it is over. [Though I have considered that several times now.] Maybe it was these people showing up to buy the house. I saw them today and I remember the day they came to look at the house. I didn’t like them then and I don’t really care for their vibe now.

Of course, the disruption could have been greater things. The Darkness reared its ugly head last week. It threw my whole world into a spin. That whole ordeal may not be done yet either. That one moment could be what lost me everything. Nonetheless, the vibe was kind of dispersed by that point anyway. Maybe The Universe was just waiting to see what I would do next before committing to anything.

In any case, some good has come of it. I have faced The Darkness, and still am a little bit each day. For a long time, I thought maybe it was The Darkness that was holding me back and in many ways it was. I feel as though it definitely holds me back with this. Not in any practical way but more energetically. First, The Darkness preys on my worthlessness. So, as long as I engage The Darkness, “how could I ever deserve such a wonderful home?” But, also, I think The Universe needed me to see that it is something I must release from my life – home or no home.

Perhaps actually conquering The Darkness in these next [less than] three weeks will turn the tides once more.

In the meantime, I am going to try to live the best that I can. I have been so harried and scattered, trying to do this and accomplish that, that I don’t think I have appreciated the home as much as I could have. I mean, there have been some days off and time with the girls and such, but on like a daily basis I’m just not as in tune with it as I would like to be. I want to appreciate every nook and cranny, every square inch, for what it is and what it gives to me at this time.

I’m really not sure how I feel about it all or what I think or believe at the moment. A large part of me feels defeated – like it is over. I got my hopes up for nothing. Like it was never mine to begin with and I have just been living a cruel illusion for the past few months.

That’s a really sucky feeling.

Especially when I don’t believe in that kind of G-d or Universe. If I have found myself here, now, then there is a reason. It may not be the reason I want, but there is a reason.

I have pushed and I have tried. Now, I am feeling a little broken. For the next couple weeks [plus] I need to live my life as if I have nothing to worry about. I still need to focus and take care of things but I cannot be stressed or cloudy.

I need to live my life as if I am already where I want to be. I need to live as if all the bills are being paid – even the ones that don’t yet exist. I need to see it and feel it in all of my beings.

Beyond that, my plan of action includes – slowing down, more focused rituals and practices, a focus on fixing The root Chakra, understanding the recent emergence of The Christ. These are the things I must resolve and understand no matter where my life may take me.

There are 17 full days left [to my knowledge.] The morning of the 18th day I must leave for work in the morning and be completely done and gone. [And, that’s kinda pushin the limits a bit.] October 5th showed that things really can change in the last few moments. So perhaps something will change.

There is still one vision that has not come to pass – snow. More than once, I have ‘seen’ snow here. In July, I saw the autumn. Then, I was here for all of it. So, I suppose every day that passes without snow is another day of hope. When it snows it means I have either gotten where I wanted to be, or it is all over.

Also, there was – Once upon ago – the whisper of maybe something better.

Right This Moment, I am living the perfect life. Right this moment. I may feel different in the next. But, Right This Moment, all is right with the world. I am once again at my make-shift desk, watching the evening traffic rush home. The Christmas tree and lights are on. Candles flicker in every room. Vanilla incense burns. [It was the closest thing to a Christmas scent I could come up with on short notice.] Some chill music drifts through the room. All is silent and peaceful and still.

Let’s just hope it is not the calm before the storm.

(But then, red at night sailor’s delight.)

I find myself in such turmoil. The very same quandary within which I found myself at the end of September – only elevated.

Time is ticking away and I am seeing this moment – a moment when someone else buys this house and I am back in The Rocket – become more and more real with each passing day. Not only is the time frame for things to change is quickly closing, but these people are serious. They are comin’ at it hard. I can’t imagine that they are going to just randomly back out after all of this.

Yet, while I sit here, typing away, I look around and it all seems right. Where I am, Right This Moment, is precisely where I belong. It has been feeling like that more and more recently. The flashes have returned. This feels like home.

There is no practical, rational, realistic way this could happen. Non that I can fathom. None that I can imagine. Yet, even as I watch it slipping away from me, I am driven from my core to Believe.

It’s kind of funny. I realized while I was boxing things up today that, for all intents and purposes, I am settled in here. Like, I have everything here I need to function fully and everything is sorted and organized. In fact, I am actually at a point when – if I was settling in here – I could actually start working on other little ways to make money, such as the retail merchandising. All my projects are done. [Mostly. Manageable at least.] All of my extra and spare moments in a day [like 3 hours this afternoon] could be spent working on and towards that. I could see clients.

I could do everything I need to do. I could be the Whole of Me. I could touch on all aspects of my life. The only exception at the moment is my crafting stuff. Tools and tables and such have not come up. Once again, all unfolding precisely as I described it to Cuddlebug. I had told her that the workshop stuff would be the very last of it because at this point in the year I wouldn’t be out there until spring anyway.

So, here I am – living Life: Perfected. Finally. I got here. Now, I have to take it all down and put it away again. Or, so it seems to be going. But then, that is how it was going up until October 5th, too.

Ironically, I think I have even come to a truce with the meeses. [How many of you get that reference?] We had a hard time of it there for a while. It all started good but went awry.

I met the first mouse and instantly began to pay him tribute. King Harold II. We were getting along just fine. He stayed out of my stuff and didn’t leave me messes and so he was free to run about. Which he did often. I saw him quite a few times. NO different than King Harold I at The Nest.

But then, he decided to come out during one of the showings. That had Brother John coming by with the traps. I was helpless, unable to intervene. A mouse was caught.

The traps had to be removed for other showings. So after they were gone, I waited a few days and paid tribute again, apologizing for the death. This lasted a bit and then more traps. Another mouse.

One more time this happened. Then I could no longer do it. I just couldn’t. It was tearing me up inside. I don’t mind the tribute at all. I don’t mind their presence. My rules are simple – Don’t get into my food. Don’t leave me little presents all over the place. And, don’t be like right up in space and shit.

All of a sudden, as the deaths continued, I was finding that they were getting into my food. Twice I found loaves of bread torn into. They were even chewing into my Christmas chocolates, which are in an entirely different room, elevated and not near any seen, or known, holes. Still, one piece a day was getting gnawed into. To add insult to injury, one day I found presents in both of my new candles in the kitchen.

I stood in the kitchen and spoke to them out loud one day. I talked of going back to the tribute but I also put my foot down. I laid down the rules. Then it was explained to me that, perhaps, instead of being so demanding, instead of treating the tribute as a bribe, I should see it as an act of Gratitude.

That is what I have done. We seem to have found our peace.

On top of all of this, I have the lingering Darkness. Always watching for just one more shoe to drop. I have thought about this a lot. Self-Sabotage. I can never let things be good for me. I will ruin them – one way or another. This is the potency of The Darkness of Self-Worthlessness.

Perhaps the act of The Darkness of Addiction put my karma askew and I gave up all hope of attaining my prize. Maybe it did set me up for bigger and heavier shoes to drop, which would inevitably snatch away and conceivable chances. Or maybe it was all something else. What better way to sabotage myself than deep within my own mind. The Lingering Darkness gives me a reason to believe that it will all go terribly wrong. It gives me an excuse to just give up and wait for it. It gives me inspiration to not rest easy.

But this is not the story of that.

This is the story of a house…and a boy named Matt. The Matt in the Hat.

So, whether I have caused myself to lose it, or it was never going to be mine in the first place, the simple fact of the matter is that this house will always be the greatest moment on my Journey. I have built this life here, albeit temporary. I did it all my way.

I never thought I would see the life I am seeing Right This Moment. I never thought I was worthy of it, nor capable of it. I have been told as much but many people over the years. I have been called crazy and delusional, and out right stupid.

For the first time in my life I have been able to be me – all of me. I have been able to do what I do and believe what I believe and function how I function. I have been able to do it without commentary or a watchful and questioning eye. I haven’t had to explain or defend anything to anyone.

In this time, I have worked and toiled. I have taken on extra work. I have labored at tasks like The Cave. I have been able to focus better on my writings. I have had wonderful family and holiday time with the girls. I have been able to do Reiki – more than once. I have been able to see almost every aspect of myself in action. I can see the potential of the foundation I have built.

That makes losing it just a bit more sucky. However, more than anything I feel gratitude. I am so thankful to have been able to see it all happen. I am so grateful for Right This Moment – being able to write to you, Fellow Travelers, in this room, at this desk by this window. The pellet sotve warming the home behind me. Christmas twinkling all around. It is a vision, an experience, that I will never forget.

Speaking of Christmas, I think I just ‘saw’ Christmas. I do not know if this was Hope or Prophecy. [And then I immediately ‘saw’ a dropping shoe. Oh my mind.]

That is all for now, Fellow Travelers. Updates when they happen, I suppose.

Saturday, December 3, 2022

I don’t really have an update, per se. I’ve just been feeling a certain type of way the past 24 hours.

I’ve been saying all along how natural and right it feels to be here. It really feels like home. It is everything I’ve really dreamed of. I mean, to be honest, my ‘dream’ home has always been a farmhouse or some Victorian style home with a large property. This isn’t that, but it gives me everything I need.

I’m starting to have visions and flashes again. Just these little moments when everything seems so real as if it has always been and always will be. So many moments here that have been like Déjà vu – remembering then, remembering now.

It’s kind of driving me crazy right down to the depths of my soul. It does feel so right and natural. I want to just settle into it so badly. But there does not seem to be a realistic means to that end. Even if finances weren’t the issue it is selling in two weeks. I realize that could change. It has changed often enough before.

So, I find myself, as usual, in the In-Betweens. I have to continue to pack up and say good-bye. It is a project and process still. So, I must put the time in while time is still available. But, at the same time, I feel so anchored. I can’t see myself leaving.

When this all started, I truly believed that it was something that was going to happen for me. I didn’t know how but I believed in it. I worked towards it first in magickal ways – with visualization and affirmation. Then I set off in pursuit of the financial means. In true me fashion, this is where I began to trip over myself and everything went wrong. Everything I have tried has backfired on me.

Maybe it was never meant to be. But that would make one question why I would have been brought here like this then. What could be the point in that kind of torment? Why taunt and tease?

Maybe I allowed The Darkness to throw it all askew. Maybe I sabotaged myself. All the while I was pursuing the Goal, I was telling myself that I could never make it happen.

Maybe it was just never meant to be.

I come back to this because there was once a whisper of “something better.” I imagine there could be. Maybe not better, but different. Maybe my dream home – all Victorian and such – is out there waiting for me. I am sure it would be neat. Unique in personality. I can see how being here has prepared me for a home – here or someplace else.

I have become even more aware of the balance required to manage and maintain a home. I have adapted regiments and routines. I have become slightly stronger. My stuff is more organized. If it has to move into The Cave in order to move into someplace else, it is ready. It is ready to be stored, but more importantly, it is – for the first time in these four years – ready to be moved and unpacked in a home. So, I can see the possibility.

But, I can’t see myself anywhere else. This place has felt like home since the first time I was here. It has only grown on me since. I have come to know it and understand it. It offers me everything I need to not just survive but to thrive.

The house has a cozy personality. It is quaint and welcoming and charming in such a very simple way. There is room enough for me to move about and do and be. I have a room solely for spiritual workings. There is a garage with great potential for a workshop. There is plenty of space for The Princesses to visit or even stay.

It is so perfectly located and situated as well. I could not ask for a better location for my life. It puts all the world only 15 minutes away in any direction. Friends, family, shopping, even recreation. Everything is so convenient. That is not only good for me in general but it is good for delivery driving. Also, for long term purposes, I couldn’t ask for a better location in which to build a clientele. I am easy to find and extremely easy to get to.

*Sigh*

It is what it is what it is what it is.