Supplemental: Out of The Darkness

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Tuesday, November 23, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Divergent

Theme – It’s All Subtly Subconscious

As Belle and I dissected The Darkness we uncovered that it is a conglomerate of deep-rooted moments and experiences. Traumatic? Perhaps. Abusive? Maybe. But it matters not. For years, these moments have been seeping into the crevices of my mind – cracking and breaking the foundation. I have been aware of all of them. [Mostly.] I have always seen them as separate, individual moments. Impactful? Yes. But, still, separate, and individual. I have realized that they are not. They are more like a beaded string of experience. Each separated from the others, but ultimately connected. I have seen how this has filtered into so many aspects of life and relationships. I can see how that string has forged certain patterns into my being – unbeknownst to me. That was all very intense for me. But then Belle made what might be the most profound Observation of the happenings, “you wanted to get caught. You wanted to be found out and known so you could deal with it and put it away.” She was right of course. [Don’t tell her I said that.] Now that she said it, it was obvious to me. I wanted to be done with it Once upon ago but couldn’t face it. Now I am being forced to face it. Too little too late perhaps. Still, it made me wonder how often we do that and don’t realize it – set ourselves up, I mean. How often is there a little nugget of guilt, or shame, or worthlessness, or addiction, or whatever within us that we know is there and want to conquer but can’t face? So, we engage in behavior that should bring it to the forefront and force us to deal with it.

Lesson – The Truth Shall Set You Free

Much of this post will focus on what I call The Darkness. The Darkness is a distraction, an addiction. It has been an ongoing struggle for some time. I have kept it tucked and hidden away. I chose to fight that struggle on my own. I told no one, confessed nothing. I would not lighten the burden even when given an opportunity. Once upon ago, I had started to take it to Belle. I brought it up [scarcely] once and then ran from the discussion because I did not want to face The Darkness with anyone. I wanted to defeat it. As The Darkness reared its head this week, it would be Belle to whom I reached out. First, in regards to the current situation, she offered much comfort and support – assuring me that it wasn’t as bad as I feared. We dove deep into The Darkness and I shared many details. We poked, and probed, and analyzed. Again, she offered much comfort and support. Though The Darkness is bad for me it is not necessarily bad. I can’t tell you how many times, since that conversation, that I wondered why I didn’t tell her once upon ago and be done with it then. Because I do feel free from it. Despite anything that is going on I do feel free. I think that’s because now I do have a sounding board – someone to share the struggles.

Observation – Out of the Darkness

Out of the darkness comes the light. As I sit here writing this, my dealings with The Darkness and its repercussions are not done. They may be barely begun. Nevertheless, I find that through it all I have come upon a list of good positive things that have come from this experience. For instance, The Darkness begins with me feeling so very alone in this world – perpetually. Through the course of recent events I am learning just how alone I am not. I have a circle of friends that has already offered much support, some in ways they did not realize. But there has also been self-exploration and acceptance and forgiveness and healing. I was able to dismiss things that do not truly resonate with me and more fully embrace those that do – for better or worse. I have reached, what I would have to call, the lowest point in my life. [For my reasons.] I am standing amidst a torrent of chaos and destruction and yet I stand stronger and truer in myself than I ever have before. It’s because, somehow, I finally get it. I Am That I Am. Good, bad, or indifferent and it doesn’t matter who approves, or agrees, or even understands. I know who I am whether anybody else does or not. But, for so long, a very large and important corner of my life treated me as if I was terrible, useless, pathetic, crazy, and sometimes even plain stupid. That corner has, in many ways [often very subtle] mocked and humiliated and shunned me…just for being different. I Am That I Am. For as many years and ways as I have tried to embrace and own that statement, it has taken a moment with possible dire consequences to help me find the conviction.

The Post

This is a rather challenging post for me to write. It could be deep, or revealing, or healing. It could be any number of things. I want to continue our journey just as it has been. The flow of things lately has been fascinating and powerful. All the little nuggets and ingredients have been swirling and steeping in the soup pot of my life.

Perhaps we have reached the simmering. Everything is in the pot and all good things take time. So…now we wait. I’ve never made a good soup that didn’t simmer from morning till night.

As I start this post it is still fairly early in the week. [Isn’t it always?] I’ve had a good, but odd, day and I found myself with a large enough group of moments to spare that I thought I would work through what’s in my mind. [In as much as I can with these moments.]

This week, we need to deal with something specific – The Darkness. My darkness. It has been playing a large part in the beginning of my week because it was a large part to the end of last week. It is here and it is heavy at the moment. Yet, today I stirred the pot a bit and the soup seems to be coming together perfectly. So, only time can tell if The Darkness will spoil the stock.

Before we begin the week and our regular broadcast of happenings, let’s take a moment to define and understand The Darkness as much as we can. The specific details of it are unimportant at the moment. Not irrelevant, perse, but not needed to take the journey. If you know, you know and we can talk about it anytime. If you think you know but wonder, then ask. We can talk about it. If you don’t even have an inkling, that is ok too. It is not the details that matter because The Darkness itself is an illusion [and I get that now.] What is important is how the darkness has impacted me overall and the Lessons and Observations that have risen from the current situation.

Leaving the details aside is not in any way an attempt to shield nor hide. It is just all too complex. It is not a moment. It is a series of events and experiences and traumas and cycles that lead us to Worthlessness and The Darkness. There will be a time and a place to discuss it all openly and freely. But it is not here nor now. [And I would like to stress again that Belle knows details and she has told me that ‘The Darkness’ makes it all sound so much more ominous than it is.]

The Darkness, as I have said, is distraction and addiction. It is an escape. It fills voids that I am afraid to try to fill in other ways. I do not know when it began. But it has grown exponentially over time. I may not know when it began, but I do know how it began. It began with a lack of self-worth. I have told you time and time again, Fellow Travelers, I have not valued myself for as long as I can remember how I have felt about life. I have never quite felt comfortable. It may be hard to conceive but, I promise you, if we have spent time together and laughed and shared and lived, I was not completely comfortable. No matter how I appeared on the outside, inside there was a swell of doubt. A feeling of being out of place or unwanted or a burden. In the dissection of The Darkness, I realized how could I not? I lived this life in which it was better that I be seen and not heard. [“And we’re just as happy if we don’t hear from you either.”]

The Darkness offered an escape. If even for just a moment I could feel like I mattered – like I was alive. The Darkness filled voids I didn’t understand. But, here’s the thing, over time it became the source of my worthlessness. The Darkness was feeding the very beast I wanted to slay. It would satiate me momentarily but then I would find that I would be feeling empty, worthless, ashamed and humiliated.

More than that I would carry it with me into the world. It didn’t matter what I was doing or accomplishing. It didn’t matter where I was or with whom – I wasn’t worthy or welcome because there was The Darkness. All subconscious.

So, at the end of the day, the only place I could turn to feel the satisfaction of connection was back to The Darkness. It became a vicious cycle and that is how The Darkness wins and grows in power.

So, our story begins on Saturday night when The Darkness takes root. It was a strange night. I went deeper into The Darkness than I ever had or ever thought I would. I didn’t just walk that path though. I was led. Granted, I allowed myself to be led. But, The Darkness twisted and manipulated until it had what it wanted.

For me, the most interesting part of it all is the beginning. It was, both, a great insight into who I am and the moment I failed myself completely. Just as I scratched the surface of The Darkness I would hear a call. The mystery Bird finally decided to reveal itself. It was, indeed, an owl. It hooted and hooted for I don’t know how long. I was very aware of it.

Very aware. I clearly heard its message. I knew what it was saying. “Do not go down that path.” My energy shifted. I began to enter the dream state. I’m pretty sure I was fast forwarding to right now. I saw it all. And, still, till all was said and done I would defy it all and walk that path anyway. I don’t know why. I got caught in the web and I couldn’t get out.

At first, life just moved on. It moved on as usual. I went to bed. I woke up. I felt ashamed and worthless. I amended and moved on. It seemed all was fairly well. Until it wasn’t. The Darkness would come back at me on Sunday. It brought with it, what I feared was, a dire situation.

As I said, I reached out to Belle for help. She did not give me the help I asked for, but she certainly gave me the help I needed. Like I said, we dissected not only the situation itself, but The Darkness as well. She really helped me see things differently. She gave me comfort and understanding and acceptance.

We were on the phone for the better part of four hours, until the very wee hours of the morning. We discussed many things and explored many issues. The longer we talked the more we realized that all of those things and issues led directly back to The Darkness. We decided there was only one possible course of action. I needed to stand up to The Darkness.

I only had two options really. I could stand up to it or I could completely cave to it. I was going to cave to it. That was why I reached out to Belle in the first place. The Darkness had me in a precarious situation. Belle helped me realize that if I gave into The Darkness it would most likely lead to an unending cycle and I would be trapped indefinitely. But, If I stood up to The Darkness I could put an end to it all.

It wouldn’t be easy. There would be consequences and ramifications. It could get very damaging. But then…Healing Hurts. Despite all of that, I need to stand firm and, as Belle put it, ride each wave as it comes. [Each as it Comes.]

The next morning at the assigned time, or there abouts, I would take my stand which is not what The Darkness was anticipating. I was warned what would happen if I fought back. But then we’ve already established that I don’t listen well. If I wasn’t going to listen to The Light why in the fuck would I care what The Darkness has to say?

The news was received about as well as I expected. Less than actually. I took my stand, closed the door, and didn’t look back. The Darkness would knock. I ignored it. It would knock once more. I ignored it again.

Life moved on.

I was already well into my day at this point. Time stops for no man. On three hours of sleep and under a great deal of mental, emotional and spiritual strain [albeit self-inflicted] I had set out onto the road to work. I hadn’t even eaten breakfast. [Good to know that some things never change.]

Overall my day was good. It was precisely what I needed it to be – financially and productively. I even had someone contact me out of the blue about a possible Tarot Reading. I mean, that’s exactly what I have been striving towards.

Isn’t it ironic that just as I see some light at the end of this very long tunnel, I would also find myself faced with the thickest bit of darkness. It only make sense really. It all stems back to worthlessness. If I feel worthless and undeserving then it only makes sense that whenever I see something good developing in my life that I would destroy it. [Even subconsciously.] It is a pattern that is abundant and apparent in my life. Belle used to call it Self-Sabotage.

Also interesting to me is that as I drove about yesterday and meditated, I focused on The Christ. At first it seemed very admonishing. I get that. After all this time, who was I to call on The Christ now. It was not an act of desperation. I openly admitted that I did not come seeking redemption. I deserved none. Choices Were Made.

All I wanted was a moment. I was not seeking redemption or asking for strength or protection. All I asked was that things turn out the way they need to for the best for everyone. I asked that somehow something good for all could come from this. One thing I will say for certain is that there is no entity, deity, nor being one can call upon that offers more light and wisdom than The Christ. True story.

Anyway, I finished my day and all seemed calm. That night I slept the most restful and peaceful sleep I have known in a very long time. Curious, no?

I awoke recharged and replenished this morning. Things had been silent and the waters seemed to be clear and calm. Still, I had this feeling that matters might still get worse.

The truth is, I had one of the best days I have seen in quite a while. That alone is interesting because I did not know how I was going to make it all work. I needed to make more money than I have made in one day for a while. In fact, in a year of driving I have only hit it twice. Plus, I had so many small random errands.

Not to mention, today is The Day Before. Tomorrow is The New Moon. My plan all along was to work today but finish early and take all of tomorrow off. I did not know how that was feasible.

I was out on the road slightly earlier than usual. I took my day as it came. Breakfast was typical. A little bit but Just Enough. I still didn’t know how I was going to do it all without working tomorrow. Then I got a Reiki client for the afternoon. Then The College contacted me that my first check was printed. Then lunch exploded and I was getting all of these amazing offers.

If my last calculations were correct, I not only managed what I needed but I am left with just a bit. On top of it, I was done working by 1400. I went and picked up my check and came back to the house to get ready for the reiki session.

The session itself was without a doubt the most intense I have done. I found myself thinking at one point that I should have videoed it. I, myself, would have been curious to see it in action.

While all this is going on, my world is exploding. The darkness struck out again and again. More people were reaching out with questions and concerns. The Darkness was exposed.

WALT: That’s not all that was exposed.

That will be enough out of you.

WALT: But you provide such ripe material.

Enough I said.

So far, the damage still feels minimal. There is damage and I am sure that I do not know the full extent of it. The Darkness reached out once more to let me know it had only just begun.

In The Darkness I have come to see the face of The Daemon. It was inevitable. We have been engaged in this dance of cat and mouse for many years. Inevitably, it would become real. There are only two things in existence that I truly fear – The Daemon and The Demon. Interestingly enough, when you research The Daemon, the tomes will tell you that the best defense is a good offense. The Daemon does not do well when attacked. I chose the right tactic.

Speaking of The Demon…

20 years ago it wreaked havoc at The Place I Loathe So. It caused damage and did more harm than I still care to think about. Then, just like that, it went back to sleep. Since then, I periodically check in on The Place I Loathe So just to make sure all is still quiet. That beast can never know life again. Yet, Thursday night I felt it stir. I caught its scent. Something woke it up again and I am fairly certain that I bore witness to it.

It is by no small chance that I would find The Demon, The Darkness, and The Daemon so close together.

Nonetheless, I am simply biding my time. For now, it is night and the tides are calm. There may be a riptide tomorrow. There may not. But, for now, life is right. I have managed all my duties and responsibilities for the day. I have myself prepared and ready for The Princesses’ visit. I have even made some changes in my life, moved things around, to discourage future dark encounters.

I am sitting in the living room, by the front window. I am being kept toasty warm by the pellet stove beside me as I watch the occasional vehicle speed by. I have been indulging in beer. [Another of my addictions, but one that has been tempered over time.] Outside my world is burning but I am having one of the most peaceful and enjoyable nights ever.

I am Nero in Rome.

At this point I have purged my mind. I think I have covered the important things up to this point in the week. [Which is really rather early.] Tomorrow The Princesses come and we get to enjoy a bit of Holiday funness. Thursday we will continue that and then I will work at The Theatre. I have no notion of anything beyond that. Hopefully, I will still have the chance to complete a post at week’s end.

Only Time Will Tell.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Owl - The Mystery of Magic, Omens, Silent Wisdom, and Vision in the Night

Symbol of the feminine and the night. Ties to fertility and seduction. Bird of magic and darkness, of prophecy and wisdom. Symbolically associated with clairvoyance, astral projection and magic, both black and white. Hints of the light of the sun, alive in the dark of night. Meditation on this alone will reveal much about the magic of Owl within your life. Will be able to see and hear what others are trying to hide. What is not being said. See what is hidden or in the shadows. Detect and pinpoint the subtleties. Unique ability to see into the darkness of others’ souls. And life. Their medicine can extract secrets. If your neck is stiff and inflexible, you are hindering your perceptions to a great degree. Often reflects that you were born very perceptive - with a vision of others that you may or may not have recognized or acknowledged. Unique ability for seeing into the eyes and souls of others. Keep silent and go about your business. Eliminate those aspects that are not beneficial and unhealthy