Teetering Trepidation

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

Welcome To My Life is a project, an experiment in Life and ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise is that life is experiential, and that you can, and do, experience the life you choose. It is based on The Wheel of Life and The ARTs for The New Millennium as life building tools.

Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and sometimes unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

Professor Siggy Chong

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

‘Blue 326’

The Original KLT

The Looch

The Baker

Bert-on

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

The Prodigy

The Wix-ians

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, February 25, 2018. Time...Distorted

Theme of the Week – Put It All Together

Lesson of the Week – Sometimes It’s The Little Things

Observation of the Week – All of Life is Suffering

As usual, I just don’t know how to sum up the week. It zips by so quickly. My head is still spinning. Once again, the week brought a lot. The beginning of the week seems so far away like a vague and distant memory. Despite all of the activity of late, my life is leaving me wanting something more, something different. I suppose I have a good starting point at the moment. All I have to do now is learn to manage it. So very often, I feel defeated before I even get started. That is the first thing that should change. As long as I live and breathe there is always a chance.

I have been failing with my Lenten Challenge – epically failing. I’m not all that surprised really. I don’t have a lot of willpower, nor self-control. It’s what contributes a great deal to my addictive personality. So very often, I will start a challenge such as this and, no matter how strong I start off, inevitably I slip backwards. Considering that I didn’t start off so strong this time it’s really not shocking that I am struggling to this day.

I face a lot of heartache and frustration every day. I have, for a long time, done my best to put on a happy face and go into the world with as much positivity as I can. Recently, I’ve noticed that I have lost a lot of that. Getting it back needs to be part of this current challenge.

Fortunately, I work in phases and cycles. I think it keeps me from putting too much pressure on myself, or being too critical. For instance, if I look at myself and where I am at right now, the progress I have been making, I could be very critical. However, if I count the number of days that I have been at this, I find that, including Ash Wednesday, it has been 11 days. Suddenly then, things are a bit clearer. I should see struggles. I should have failures. It is the nature of the number itself. The important thing is what I do with what I have learned and observed as I move towards day 22. After that, there are two more cycles of 11 to get through. Of course, that number includes the Day After, but that is a whole other matter.

This isn’t the first time I have seen the 6 week pattern in my life. The ‘Moments of Freedom’ video posts were the start of a similar cycle almost exactly three years ago. To this day, I do not know what that 6 week cycle was all about. This is due, in part, to the fact that that particular run of videos was never completed. I don’t know exactly what took place in that time. Twice now I have set out to finish them and twice I have not succeeded. The other reason for my lack of understanding is ‘The Cave-In.’ ‘The Cave-In’ would come shortly after I had finished the six weeks of filming and it would completely change and shift my life. Interestingly enough, I had predicted ‘The Cave-In’ just prior to it happening and somewhere in the unsorted video there is a clip showing this.

Of course, it is always 6 weeks between the holy-days on the Wheel of the Year as well. So I am no stranger to the cycle itself. It’s the number that I don’t get. I don’t understand 6 at all. 3, 5, 7, 4, 8, even 10. These numbers I understand, at least enough to fake it, but 6 eludes me.

Funky Finances

Like I said last week, I do not want to put too much emphasis on the financial side of things. Yet, they are a very important part of the story. They have always been a part of the story. So, I do need to touch on them briefly.

With as much as I have been running around lately, I am still waiting on the pay to really start rolling in. In the meantime, I have been putting together my plan for catching up and moving forward. This week pay started to come in, but so did the surprises – the unexpected.

First, I received a letter from the county’s Bureau of Collections informing me that I am currently 3250 days past due in my minimum payment of $46 on my total bill of $46. I had absolutely no idea what this was for. Apparently, it goes back 9 years to my probation. But, this is the first I have heard of it.

That was Monday. Tuesday I learned that, though wage attachment will begin again, including my arrears, that at my March meeting I will need to have February’s payment in full in order to keep things right. Now, I knew I was going to have to pay it sooner or later. I saw many ways that his would happen – my monthly payments which include arrears, paying extra each month to get caught up, even a deduction from my tax refund. But, never did I expect to pay two full months with just one month’s salary. I was watching helplessly as my hopes for at least getting balanced were dismantled dollar by dollar.

Wednesday would add to the mounting frustration. Wednesday afternoon I learned that the mobile deposit that I had made on Sunday night had not cleared. Not only was I going to have to make a20 mile/30 minute drive at a time when I could afford neither, but two debits had posted to my account in the meantime and I had been charges $29 for each one. So far my plans and goals are not going in the direction I would like. Needless to say, tensions were mounting. So, I managed to take care of the priorities. By tomorrow night I will have recouped $32 of the $58. [Not really, but in theory.] The girls offered to pay for Netflix, since they watch a LOT of it. Certainly more than I do. Of course, I will pay them that $12 back.

By Thursday this week I was definitely on the verge of depression. Thursday morning at work I decided I hate my new job. I don’t know what triggered that feeling exactly. I only know I felt it strongly. So strong, in fact, that I actually had to convince myself to get out of bed for work on Friday morning. One half of me was saying, “F--- it,” while the other half kept reminding me how I need the job right now. Thursday afternoon I had a show at the theatre and that went well, though I was definitely still feeling like crap.

Then Thursday night I went to see some folks in a show. They were folks I had worked with during ‘Sweeney Todd.’ I had wanted so bad to go and support them but I didn’t really have the money. On Wednesday night, someone offered to pay the ticket for me. I figured it was Kismet. The whole experience left me feeling very empty. First, it left me longing for the stage. ‘Sweeney’ was a blessing, but I knew going into it that it was most likely going to be my last show. I thought I was ok with that…I’m not. But, there aren’t many opportunities for me left. Let’s face it, I have been turned down even for ensemble roles twice since ‘Sweeney.’ But, I also found myself feeling very empty and alone at the end of the night. For all the connections I had made with people during that show there seemed to be none that night. I realize that they were very preoccupied and I shouldn’t be so silly. But, I just felt very alone in the world all of a sudden.

Friday I awoke extremely depressed and dejected. I just had no desire to face the world. Yet, I drug myself out of bed and went about my day as it was planned. Work was very difficult. I had to fight off a breakdown.

Two interesting things happened at work that started to make me feel better. First, I was walking through an aisle and looked up to see wall art that simply read, “Be still and know that I am God.” Now, I don’t care for that particular passage. Not as it is written there. [In my Bible that story reads very differently.] But, I understood the message almost instantly. I felt better for, for a moment at least. Later, I got engaged in a spiritual conversation with a Muslim co-worker. In the conversation she kept using the word ‘God.’ Finally, I asked, “So, do you do Allah or do you do God?”

Her response was, “Allah is God. I believe God made us and God will never forget us.”

That statement hit me. I even told her as much.

“See, God sent me to you today.”

This is where life has left me for now. I’m still frustrated and struggling. But, I suppose, there is some hope.

Finally, a few side notes. First, please feel free to leave comments, questions, and concerns. I don’t know you are there if you don’t say, “Hi.” But, also, you’re experience of WTML is just as important as mine. So, let me know what you think. Secondly, if you would like to connect, or find out more about me, you can find WTML on Facebook @TheNewWTML or myself at @rev.mgeist.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia this is your beloved Rev wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness, baby!