The Many Minds of Mr. Matt

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

Zason

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Senoll #5

PDT

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Dick Pointer

Soup, The Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Just another day, in some month, Two-Thousand and Twenty-Fun. Time...Amalgamated

I am foregoing The Trinity this time around.As you will see my mind is just to cluttered for such thoughts.

The Post

** Director’s Note: The title of this post was chosen before I even began to write. So, to be fair, I don’t know what the twist may be…or even if there will really be one.**

I’m not sure exactly how long it has been since I have written. I realize, of course, that I could go back and look. But what fun would that be?

It has been almost 4 weeks since Craze passed and life is…odd. So odd, in fact, that I am not certain about what I should write. I’ve been struggling, but I am not sure what against. I’m not sure it is a what.

I don’t know my words.

It has been a bumpy road, but it did not start with dad’s death. That just seems to be a turning point.

Let’s start with where I am at right now. Right now I feel good. I feel mellow and relaxed. Vaguely in tune – but that’s better than not feeling at all in tune. This all comes as a result of yesterday, I suppose.

All of the stress, pressure, chaos, emotions, energies and movement of the past [many] weeks culminated in a headache like I haven’t felt in I can’t tell you how long. I started my day as usual. I was up and off for my massages and shower. Afterwards, my head was still pounding. I decided to go and park and rest for little longer. Ten hours later, I was finally coherent enough to move.

That’s what I said. Ten hours.

Afterwards, I realized that it was the first full day off I have taken entirely to myself in over two months. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had an entire day to rest or chill or tend to things. A day just for me. I work more days than I don’t with the food delivery. If it hasn’t been that it has been time at The Theatre, or a rehearsal here and there, or time with the girls, or tending to the affairs of death.

I’m not sure where al of this leaves my head. So many thoughts. That’s not new. There’s just more of them now. My spirit has been defunct. I just can’t seem to touch it lately. Perhaps it has been tired. Dad’s death took a lot out of it. And my heart…well my heart is as it has always been. Sometimes very open. Sometimes hard as a rock. It all depends on the moment in which you catch me…and how you approach me.

I’m not sure what it means to ‘care’ anymore. Everyone seems to have their ideas on it and I’m not sure any of those ideas line up with mine. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I can take guesses at the course of it.

In Jesus Christ Superstar there is a lyric sung by Jesus to Judas as he protests the use of oils. “There will always be poor, pathetic and struggling, look at the good things you’ve got.” I do not know if Jesus said anything similar to this in The Bible, but it does sound like a very Jesus type of revelation.

You can’t save the world. [especially a world that doesn’t wish to be saved.] No matter what you do. No matter which problems you fix. No matter the terrors you end nor the plagues you conquer – these things will always exist – for they have to. You cannot remove all the bad things from existence for, like the Hydra, when you cut off one head another takes it’s place.

Then I think of the Buddha.

[Now if there is something I have ‘learned’ over the past several weeks is that we have all ‘learned’ it different. And, it doesn’t seem to matter what ‘it’ is.]

I’ve read that Buddha is considered the first Atheist. For his was a path of Philosophy rather than Theology. However, I have also read that Buddha did believe in Divinity. But he believed the Divine to be so far out of the realm of comprehension that he believed to serve it best one should stay focused on the self – Right Thought, Right Word, Right Action. If one is centered and focused on the self than those things should come naturally. And if they don’t, as long as one is centered and focused on the self, they should be recognized immediately. And, isn’t it fair to say that this is what the Divine Spirit wishes from and for us?

But, what is ‘Right’?

One would think that is such a simple answer…but it is not.

Jesus told us, “What you do unto the least of these you have done unto me.” He all but tells us straight up to be generous and compassionate and charitable. But, you cannot give to every poor person. You cannot shelter every child. Not only is it impossible globally [believe it or not] but it is impossible for an individual to all all

[s]he encounters. If one gives too much than one loses the self. If you lose the self than G-d has nothing. Who you are, what you are, what you do is all very important. Every moment of it. (But that is a rambling for another time.)

Buddha tells us to be in the moment – right here, right now.

My resolution has been thus [for me personally] – I give to those I can, when I can – a helping hand, some money, some food, an ear to bend and a shoulder on which to cry. I do this when the moment inspires me. When it feels right. For instance, in New Orleans – I gave to some. There were many. Those I couldn’t give to I blessed as I passed. It was what I could give in the moment.

Perhaps a ‘deeper’ example of this – I go to this one park almost every day. A few months ago this blue car showed up. This guy comes every day as well. He parks and stays all day long. I’m not sure what is going on with this man. I have overheard him, on more than one occasion, having very loud arguments with himself – in two very different and distinct voices. I’m not sure what I could really do for this man [and I’m not certain approaching him to find out is the wisest move I could make.] so, I pray for him often. Offer up little blessings for him.

Or, some months ago I reached out to a soul who seemed in need. It was obvious he was having a rough time. I can’t say now that it felt like the right thing to do, but it ‘seemed’ like the right thing to do. It did not take long to realize that he was in negative space because he chose negative stance. No matter what the discussion was there was a downside and a negative. Something to interfere or drag him down. I tried for about a week to lend some positivity to him. Then, I had to stop. It had become draining.

There is a school of thought that teaches us to give freely unto our brothers [that which they may need] in as much as it does no harm to ourselves.

That is the distinction…and it is still tricky.

I can remember once these two young ladies talking about how they were helping their ‘boss’ [too long of a story to explain] with an upcoming move. It wasn’t a work thing. There was no obligation or requirement. She needed help and they were helping. But the more they discussed it the more they were complaining about it. I asked why they were bothering. They didn’t have to and they obviously didn’t want to. I was told that I just didn’t understand.

But…I did.

False charity is worse than no charity at all. It leaves a blemish on the timeline. It leaves a mark on the soul of the charitable and on that of the one helped. It is impure. But, also, as I write this it reminds me of Jesus’ sermon on not praying in public – be not boastful in your works. Theirs was a sort of boastfulness in as much as they wore their doings as a kind of badge of honor. They were commending themselves on doing something they didn’t really want to do and did not feel appreciated in doing.

How does all of this translate into ‘My Life.?

I’m not sure yet. Let’s see if we can find out.

Give in as much as it does you no harm.

I would have to say this applies to so many areas of my life at the moment. On a simplistic level it can apply to The Theatre. They are my friends and it has been an honour and a pleasure to work with them once more. But, my time there was also my time of struggle. They want me to continue to help through this next show. They are being generous with what they are offering in return for my time. But, I am still catching up from this last round of setbacks. [The setbacks is a comment worthy thing in a moment.] I want to help them and I will. But first, I must get myself back on track and make sure that I can stay there.

On a deeper level I can apply it all to my mother. This has been such a strained relationship for so long. I have definitely played my part in it all, as has she. And, for some time before my father’s passing there has been a message of forgiving her. I’ve struggled with this. Not because I can’t forgive her but because the pain remains. And from time to time it is re-agitated.

The funeral process brought much of this about. [I’m not sure examples of all of that are needed at the moment.] But, I feel that time and time again I have reached out – I have apologized, I have offered forgiveness – and time and time again I am dismissed. There is no return. So, I find it difficult to continue to give.

Still, I find my ways.

This can have some examples.

At the visitation for the public, there was a moment early on, when she was sad. She stopped at the container of ashes. She reached out to it and touched it softly. I felt for her. I did. But I couldn’t reach out to her. So, I did what I could. I called to my daughters and nodded in her direction. They knew what to do and they did it.

I have worried about her since the funeral. I’ve gotten updates from my daughters when I could. But, I could not find it within myself to stop in to the house, or to call or text her randomly. This relationship just has not been established – not even through all of this. However, one day she texted me about something random like mail and I took advantage of the opportunity to ask how she was holding up.

I know it’s not a lot but I don’t know what else I can do. I do feel as though I have reached out many times in many ways. We’ve always had our problems but I have always [eventually] tried to move past them and work towards different. [unsuccessfully apparently.] still, here we are. I feel as those attempts have been denied – time and time again.

Yet, even if we could jump that first hurdle [or I could] I’m still not a very touchy/huggy type of person. So I wouldn’t even know how to offer that.

*Switch Up*

I’ve encountered debates recently. I’ve been involved in some and just watched some go by on social media. I’ve even lost some ‘friends’ [what an interesting and overly used word in today’s society.] I have so many take-aways from these moments.

[Im really having trouble writing. There is so much on my brain at the moment.]

Anyway…

My first take-away is that I should really learn to keep my mouth shut. Not because I think I’m wrong about what I’m saying [or how.] Not because I’m worried about upsetting someone. It’s just not worth the energy in the end.Nothing is ever really accomplished. No one changes their mind. It’s just idle and unnecessary.

I have had/seen vaccine debates and religious/spiritual debates. Everyone has something to say and feels absolutely valid in it [for whatever their reason may be.]

Take away 2 – everyone makes good points. They do. Unfortunately, to every good point there is a good counterpoint. It’s just the nature of existence. [Equal and Opposite.]facts, numbers and statistics only tell you what you want them to tell you. It is all in how you compile them – what you say and what you don’t.

Take away 3 – We get so mean – insults, name calling, power struggles, talking down to [and that can even happen with the politest of words.] and…for what? To be right about something we can’t possibly be ‘right’ about? I even see this behavior in the spiritual/religious debates and I don’t even know how that is possible. All of life is so complex. Not just the Arts and Sciences of it all but how each persons life and path are so very unique. The only thing one can ever be right about is what is right for the self. This is especially true in religion and spirituality. Every story has a piece of THE story. If you look and listen long enough you will find overlaps in information, teachings, stories. These overlaps are where/when someone else took over and the story changed for whatever reason. Though it is true that you can use these overlaps to connect these different schools of thought, every overlap will create a wake of contradictions.

*Minor Switch Up*

I have started reading The Book of Enoch. I am told that I will find all of my answers to the questions of the ‘creation of evil.’ I’m not certain it has done that. It has done many things, but I don’t know that it did that.

If you are not familiar with The Book(s) of Enoch – this is apocryphal text. According to my research thus far it is dated back to 2-1 century BCE. It is also apparently written in three books. I was honestly unable to discern this from what I was reading which is not only why I prefer reading books over devices but also probably why I was having difficulty understanding what was going on.

The books all deal with Watchers [a particular grouping of angels.] Book One discusses a fall of sorts – transgressions and such. Book Two focuses on the 5th Heaven where Watchers reside and Book Three deals with the ‘Watchers who did not fall.’ Book One is my primary focus at the moment.

It is a more in-depth and detailed telling of the events surrounding the Nephilim mentioned in Genesis. As I said it does discuss transgressions against G-d but it does not ever speak of an angel, or angels, that wanted/tried to overthrow G-d. [So once again my quest to find actual biblical documentation of this great and evil ‘Lord Satan’ has come to a dead end.] Anyway, it speaks of how there were Watchers who led [approx.] 200 other Watchers to transgress and mate with human women. The total of the leaders comes to 18 led by one in particular. Of the 18, 7 would transgress further by teaching mankind the mystical and heavenly ARTs.

The mating of human and celestial would ultimately result in the giant monsters known as Nephilim. They brought chaos, death and destruction in their wake.

[Also, if you don’t know, Enoch is said to have become The Metatron – ‘The Voice of G-d.’ Making him the only man to have transcended from human to celestial.]

My mind aches with questions and inconsistencies. For instance, Enoch speaks of the ‘fallen’ and the Nephilim as if it is all in his present. But his book is only dated back to 2-1 century BCE. But the story happens before the flood. So either this is all impossible or we have our time construct of the Old Testament extremely f’d up.

The story goes on to explain how The Flood happened in order to rid the Earth of the Nephilim and the evils they brought (as well as the teachings but that’s a different matter.) I don’t remember that from Bible school. I only remember being told that mankind had become so terrible that G-d wanted to start over.

There is talk of these ‘fallen’ being bound and imprisoned on, or beneath, the Earth. At this moment I can not recall if there was mention of an actual fiery existence. They are imprisoned until The Day of Judgement. There is mention of punishment and torment. But, again, I do not recall the use of fire nor brimstone. Instead, the torment would be watching everything they created – including their terrible offspring – destroyed and decimated piece by piece until the time of The Great Deluge. What I find curious in all of this is that G-d’s anger is not directed towards the mating. He is displeased and the result was terrible but that was not the crime. The teachings were the crime and not because man now knew things he was not supposed to. It seems that these were Heavenly ARTs that mankind was supposed to learn slowly over time. When the ‘fallen’ poured that information out freely and en masse it created a chaotic flux. That was what concerned G-d. That was what needed to be eliminated and removed. When G-d sent The Flood he was not punishing the sins and evils of man as we have been taught. [excepting maybe indirectly.] but it was never man that G-d had the problem with.

Now that I think about it…there doesn’t seem to be any indication in the Bible that G-d has ever had any kind of a problem with mankind. Never. Not once.

*Switch Up*

I am struggling in my life. I’m not…upset, or depressed, or in danger of anything foolish.

WALT: Are you sure about that last part?

No. I’m always in danger of something foolish.

I’m just in this giant void.

It’s really no different. It’s the same Void…just feels magnified. I’m content but not quite satisfied. I’m pushing hard and getting nowhere. I’m abundant and blessed but still struggling.and to make matters worse I truly am nothing more than a guy doping along at the moment.

All the things that I have been and done – all of the things I have put my time, money, energy [and sometimes even blood] into are gone. I have no magickal garden to toil in. No more crafts. I don’t really do readings much and reiki is almost impossible. I don’t need these things for the money anymore [though it would certainly help.] But, my soul misses them. I feel, somehow, incomplete. I get restless. I don’t know what to do to feel creative and productive. And, the things I manage to do don’t seem to fill the void…and the restlessness grows.

It gets me to thinking. I miss all of that stuff. I miss so much – like mowing the lawn and cleaning the house.

As I think I realize that having these things again is most likely out of my reach. I don’t know what I can do to make it different. It has been the same thing over and over again for years. For all of my ‘efforts’ this is the best I was able to do for myself.

As I reflect on that, I realize that so much of my life is behind me. What should have been the best and most active years of my life were riddled with chaos, poverty, and depression. At this point in my life, if this is the best I have been able to do, it is most likely the best I will ever do. In that realization I find then that I have no motivation, direction, desire. I have no goals left to set or meet. I’ve passed all of the life pinnacles and failed at them miserably. I never found a career path. I never achieved a good long relationship. I managed no savings. My daughters have come and grown. At this point, I can’t even look forward to or plan a retirement. I will work until I die. I won’t even have a home to entertain my daughters and their families.

Truly, the only thing I have left in life is just to survive each day the best I can…until there are no more days left for me.

I am, surprisingly, OK with this.

I tried. I failed but I tried. But now I can be done trying. No more pushing or stressing or juggling. I can just get up in the morning and ‘be.’ I don’t have to worry about things not working out, for there is nothing in the works. I do not have to be concerned with what anyone thinks of my life. If they don’t like it they’re probably already not in it. I don’t have to fear rejection because there is nothing to put myself out on a limb for.

For the first time in 20 years I feel as though I can just enjoy each moment.

Maybe one day things will change. But I find it in my best interest to just assume they won’t.

I have to stop here. I have been trying to do this for two weeks. As you can tell my mind is all over the place. [And I stopped from delving into so many tangents along the way. Every thought made me think another. There is still so much we could dive into. But if I keep trying to get it out now I will get nothing done. Including this post.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

The Totems were just as they have been. It is the same rotation for some time now. The major players being Hawk and Heron and Fox.

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill.

Heron – I realized that my notes in this were incorrect and I do not have my book currently.