True Story

Nov. 20, 2017; 1605 - Nov. 24, 2017; 2108

"You will be broken down to nothing so that you can be built up stronger." - Bar Harbor, ME.; Columbus Day, 1998

It's no secret that I talk often about the presence of Divinity in our lives. I talk about it so often and so naturally that many around me think I have lost my mind. I believe there is a power well beyond our comprehension. I believe that, given the opportunity, it will make itself (and its Will) known to us.

I think that this is not always clear and sometimes confusing.

For several months I have been what some might call, unemployed. I've had work, but no particular job. This is nothing new. This is a repeated pattern. Nor, is it really the moral of the story. But it does leave an interesting undertone.

I had a 'job' - something to get me by. It was by no means a job that had a future in and of itself. It could have only gone so far and then it would have fizzled out, like so many jobs before it. And, like so many jobs before it, it also offered the chance to learn just a smidgeon about something for which I have a passion.

But, it was to fizzle out. I knew this quite some time before it happened. I was removed from it for a while. I suffered a back injury that would not only put much of my life on hold but would fuel the movement forward. It was so randomly timed and placed. I was doing what I could (I thought) to make ends meet. Then, once again, BAM! Weeks out of work. Weeks that I couldn't work full schedules or shifts. It wasn't a work related injury, necessarily, so there was no compensation. All I was left with was time…and thought.

This definitely had to change, this pattern of on again off again. That is when the Quest began. This formed the question, "If something must be different, what is it?" What is it I should be focusing on, pouring myself into? What is it that would bring me both abundance on which I could survive and contentment of being?

The answers to those questions would soon begin to unfold before me. Though, the truth would remain a mystery. But this is not a story about all the answers that were thrust upon me. This is a story of but one.

Just a couple of days ago I finished up a production of Sweeney Todd in Concert. (Don't let the name fool ya!!) From the very beginning it was obvious that this was where the Universe wished I should be. There were bumps along the way, but everything and anything that could have happened to get me in the production, and keep me there, happened.

First, it came at a very interesting time. The Princesses and I had been on a pattern of talking about daddy and his theatre days. We often talked about how they had never seen me do an actual role. They had seen me do little shows - fun things - at the very theatre to which I would be returning, but they never saw an actual production. I wanted them to have that, if even just once.

Then I realized that this meant they never really had the full theatre experience. They have never been able to see how a show goes from a bumbling mess in the beginning to a remarkable production in the end. They have never felt the connections and bonds that can be formed -the memories that can be shared. Then, I wanted them to have that.

But, all of this thinking about the theatre experience would inevitably leave me longing for it myself. I got to think about the roles I would really like to do if I could. I'm not talking about the endless list of possibilities that we, as actors, carry around in our pocket. I'm talking about the big ones. The ones you feel such a connection to that you actually start to crave them. You need to portray that, feel that, just once. They call to you.

For me, four top that list - Don Quioxte, Tevye, Barnum…and, of course, Sweeney Todd. I fell in love with the role from the first minute I heard the cast album. That love only deepened when I watched a PBS presentation of the Broadway cast with the great Angela Lansbury.

It is such a brilliantly scripted character woven among one of the most fascinating stories. It has everything. It is an entire show devoted to the complexities of being. Now, suddenly, an opportunity arose to audition.

At the same time, the Universe started pushing a job under my nose. Like, a real legitimate job. A career path with a future, and a financial one at that. It would be a life like I haven't even been close to in a very long time. It is work I think I would enjoy, but, from the outset, it is a five year commitment. I didn't see how I could do both. At one point it seemed, through a bit of emotion and confusion, that the decision had been made for me. I was going to forget Sweeney and pursue the job. I was certain I had seen the auditions come and go. But, then, a strange string of events changed the course of everything.

The whole process would get delayed. In fact, at this point it will still be delayed at least another three weeks. In order to complete the application process for the job I needed to provide them with an original copy of my birth certificate within the week. This wasn't a problem. I knew exactly where it was - locked in the safe inside The Cave. Only, I couldn't get into said safe. For four weeks I couldn't get that thing open. The person who gave me the safe came over and he couldn't get it open. I had to wait for a new one to be ordered. Now I am just awaiting the next of 3 more steps to the process.

Nonetheless, the job I was going to give up the show for was now pushed off. Left with no work, I continued to look. Eventually I found something else, but that wouldn't start until what is now tomorrow. Not that it matters, it served an entirely different purpose in the grand scheme of things and inevitably fell through. I looked again. And, again I found, and settled for something that still has yet to begin.

My schedule was entirely cleared for the duration of the show. If only I hadn't missed auditions. It turns out I hadn't. At the last moment, just in the nick of time, I was contacted, and asked if I was planning on auditioning. I had just enough time to prepare a piece, which I hadn't looked at in over a decade and make the audition and call-back.

The rest, as they say, is history.

It was happening. It was what I was calling a "3 for." I was getting to scratch, and somewhat satisfy, the itch. My daughters were going to have the chance to not only see me in a role but to get a little taste of the community theatre experience. And, of course, I was going to be playing, for me, the role of a lifetime. It all fell together without me even trying. How could it not be Divine?

I gave into it. Right about the time I couldn't get the certificate out of the damn safe I just threw my arms in the air and said, "Que sera, sera." The Universe made it very apparent that whatever was going on, Sweeney was a very big part of it. But…why?

The show is over now. What has come of it? There has been no major transformation. My financial/job life is no better, in fact it is quite worse for the wear. There have been no breakthroughs or grand opportunities. So what was the purpose, the plan? Since I cannot pretend to know I can only trust that there was one. I am left now with a large void. There is nothing but these questions, and the same from before, and a whole lot of time. (Not to mention a host of random projects that have come my way.)

So, I had to ask myself today, "In lieu of any greater understanding, with what did I come away from this experience?" What was it to me? What did I gain, if I gained nothing else?

Well, first, there's the obvious - the '3 for,' which inevitably became a '4 for.' Because, as I announced as I entered my audition, singing was never my strong point. I very often did not get the role I wanted because I just couldn't carry it at a performance level…if at all. In fact, only once did I get cast as the part I wanted in a musical(And that’s only because I could get away without actually singing the song.) So, this was something new, and a challenge. It went well. I owned it, even in all my screwing up. I suppose if this were to be the end of my theatrical 'career' I could go out content and satisfied.

I got to catch up with some old dear friends…and bond with some new ones. I had so much fun reminiscing and at the same time creating new memories. The last two days of the show were just a riot for me. There was so much good energy and so many laughs. I will truly cherish every single one of them.

I had the opportunity to work with one of the most talented and charming group of people that I have ever met. Truly, it took talent on everyone's part and on all levels to make that performance what it was…and it was HOT. (And the cast was cookin'.) That second performance on Saturday was one of the most electric performances I have ever been a part of. I was engrossed in it. I was captured by what I was watching, and seeing unfold. I saw magic happen.

First, as I said, we were spot-on. I mean that train left the station and boy did we ride it. It sizzled, baby. But I also watched some of the most brilliant and raw talent just reveal itself. I saw a young lady who didn't really want to act completely transform. I watched as the entire way she held and carried her body shifted. She developed facial tics and body jerks. She just let that character completely envelope her physically. I was entranced. She mastered what, I think, is the one of the most crucial and difficult parts of acting. She developed the physical character, all the little nuances that make a character who they are. And in doing so, she was able to deliver her lines with a panache that wasn't quite there in rehearsals. She also managed to so become her character that she was able to wrap the audience around her finger. She played out in the audience quite a few times. While she was there she managed to play with the audience. She would break the wall and draw them, just for a moment, into the story. This alone is a very particular skill set. Not everyone can do it. She nailed it. I know this because my family couldn't stop talking about her. If she hooked them, she hooked them all. I can promise you that. Her performance was pure brilliance.

I listened as a man who told me he couldn't do comedy managed to find the one and only sliver of possibility to bring a breath of levity to his character and perhaps elicit a few chuckles. I mean truly, such a minute window. But, he nailed it. I don't know that I would have found it…and I grew up with a father that was absolutely one of the most brilliant and accomplished comedians that I have ever watched. A true showman. I don't know that I would have seen or been able to make that choice. And, if it got a chuckle from no one else, it got one from me each and every time. I had to sit with my mouth hidden because of that line. It was a brilliant choice.

I saw a young man be challenged to take on a role fresh out of the gate. It was a role he really didn't know. So, he had no model, nor mold, to follow. For him, this experience was as good as being in the first production and them handing him the script and saying, "now go…" (Action!) He got it! ("By George I think he got it!") Now, he faces his next role at the same theatre and it is going to give him the same challenge. He has expressed his excitement and delight in this. I share that delight for him.

I witnessed a very young man, a lad, with so much passion and so much potential, bring such a pure light and goodness to the stage - on and off. He WAS the innocence that every telling of this story needs. If I had only had the foresight, my advice to him at the beginning of rehearsals would have been, "Just be yourself and you will be your character." I saw him grow bigger and brighter over the weeks until he just radiated on stage. He was brilliant.

And, finally, I heard a woman be challenged to push her limits, and reach for over the top, go from being nervous and unsure to stealing the show. She played that audience so beautifully. She, too, broke that fourth wall, and brought the audience into the story itself. She was the snake-oil salesman smoothing over her spectators so slick and so sly. It was brilliance.

So, I had my first revelation. One of the things I liked most about working with this theatre was that it always challenged a person to push and be more than themselves. I watched it, time and time again over the years. Those who were up to the challenge, who could see beyond and be willing to try and to fail and to push again, became true artists and visionaries. I have seen so much talent and brilliance come through there. And, I have been honoured to work with each and every one of them.

Soon came my second. The production staff for this show was extremely talented as well. We had a musical director who managed to teach some of the most complex music in just a handful of rehearsals. During the performances, there were times he worked feverishly to follow us with the music. And, he remained patient through it all. A true professional.

Our lighting tech designed the whole show without ever really seeing it. I saw glimpses of the lighting in pictures. It was stunning, captivating. Much like the set design, it had a subtle, yet, beautiful presence. Very professional.

The director had a vision that was difficult to see at first, but it was brilliant in its simplicity. And, for as good as it turned out, we could have done so much more with it. There was so much potential, and yet, it was stunning just as it was. She managed herself beautifully throughout the production, despite any bumps in the road. (And, there were plenty.) Professionalism.

Then there was the producer. Not only did she bet the farm on this production, but, when the call came, she stepped into the role of Mrs. Lovett. She worked hard and delivered a stellar performance. To top it off, five minutes before the opening curtain Saturday afternoon she fell and hurt her ankle. She then proceeded to prove that whether you are on Broadway and getting paid or working in some small, no budget community theatre, true Thespians live by certain codes. Such as, "The show must go on!" She performed two shows with that busted ankle. Hers was not the only injury in the show either. But, the show went on.

This is the second reason I love this theatre. They work in professionalism. They hire professionals, they train professionals, and everyone works with a professional approach. This is the theatre company that made me want to be a theatre company.

So, what was it? What was so important in this experience that The Universe made certain there was nothing else going on in my life? Even the day I did go out on a limb and try to work, make an improvement, blew up in my face. In fact, it accomplished the exact opposite of what I had set out to do. So what was so important?

As I said, I have seen no miraculous life transformation. My life seems no better than when I set out on this course. Honestly, it's kind of worse. [chuckles.] Right this moment, I have nothing. I am completely broke and, the debt, she keeps rising. I have no promise on the immediate horizon - despite my efforts along the way. At the very best, I may have a job in a month. Right this moment, that is the absolute best that I can hope for.

So what was so urgent for The Universe that it superseded the need for an income?

I honestly don't know. I have no clue what the point could have been. I do not even have an inkling of a notion of an idea. It eludes me. [lol.] Truly.

So what did I get from it all, if I got nothing else?

Well, first, and most obviously, I had the opportunity to work with a group of absolutely incredible people. Both talented and good-spirited. It was an honour. My Facebook profile picture is one of me in my character. It says beneath it, "Blessed & Thankful." That is how I feel when I look back on the experience that was Sweeney Todd. There's just so much in my head. So many memories and conversations and experiences. I was so very content among these folks. I could have done another twenty shows with them.

So there's that.

And, as I said before, it was a chance for me to do a part I've always wanted to do and never thought I would be able. It was a performance win for me. As a whole the experience touched me on a deep soul level. It was very much like a Vision Quest. Very much.

I was reminded of things past. I got to re-live for a moment some of the best memories I have to this day. I got to step back and be in awe at the talent and personalities I have been blessed to know over the years. But the walk down memory lane would be bittersweet as well. For this place also houses the darkest experience of my life. One that has haunted me ever since. It is the reason I had stayed away for so long.

I can't say much on the darkness in this writing. That is a story all its own. I can't even say it was present or aware this time around. I know that things were different. There were different energies. A lot has changed in over a decade. But, I noticed one thing had not. The grounds were still very…expressive.

I have often said over the years that in all of my travels I have never come across any place, space nor property that has spoken to me the way Geistopia does. There is always a scurry of spiritual activity around here. I must now amend that statement, for I have found the only other place.

I had visits from the spirit realm. I didn’t mention them to anyone. Most were flutters in passing, but one stands out. I was in the theatre alone one day working on some song, trying to master it. I was minding my own business, going about my task, when I saw it. A quick shadow of movement in the balcony. I truly did know who it was instantly, but, because of the darkness I cringed rather quickly. I tried to ignore the moment. But the spirit, he would not rest. A couple of weeks later he would somehow manage to reach through the continuum and make his presence known to both myself and the director. He said hello in the most splendid way. In fact, as I look back on it, it was a way in which only he could have pulled off. He made his presence known and gave us his approval, just days before the curtain would rise.

In many ways this experience was a spiritual revival for me. It raised me to a spiritual sense of being that I have not been able to attain in a great number of years. I could come ever so close, but never did it feel so alive in me.

So there's that, too.

Not all of the revivals and rememberances were favourable to me. In the midst of this already intense experience, I was led on a journey - a side quest, if you will. It was a nightmare. I seriously can have flashbacks, PTSD, as I look back on that day. Yet, in the midst of all that chaos and havoc, I was smacked in the face with Annie. Ah, yes, Annie. The moment that changed it all. Annie. That little red-headed whore. (That is my pet name for that show.)

Everywhere I looked that day was Annie. Any time she comes around (which is more often than I care to ponder) it is always like a smack in the face. Fourteen years later and I still haven't resolved how I feel about that experience. It's one of those endings that goes, "On one hand this bad happened, but on the other hand there was great good ahead.” But, I digress. That, too, is a story for another time.

Most interesting to me was that she would make herself known now, during this production. This production reminded me a great deal of Annie. First, it was a great idea for a great cause. This is the perfect way to do a show - make it a 'benefit.' Sponsor something. Bring awareness. That's a good foot in the door for any pitch. And, just like Annie, this 'benefit' had an added twist. It was not only brilliance in concept, it was brilliance in marketing. That just makes for a story, if pitched right.

But, also like Annie, I think the full potential for the concept was so underplayed and underestimated by various parties that it could never build the true support network and momentum it needed to see its fullest potential.

I guess there's all of that.

I had a moment. It's not something on which I wish to elaborate. It was personal and it was mine. Just a moment. A flutter, a flickering. Something soft and subtle - just enough to make me smile.

So, there's definitely that.

I learned something about myself. (Perhaps realized is a better word.)

I could live in the theatre. I could. Absolutely. Without a doubt. I could be in a theatre from early in the morning until late at night doing any number of things and not think twice about it. There is so much to do. At some point in time or another I have done a lot of it.

In this realization I also looked back at my life. I have had a career in show business. (Like no business I know.) It was Sunshine that made me think of this. I had never really considered it until she brought it up.

"Well…you have had a career in show business."

She was right. In my years, I have filled many shoes. I have been an actor numerous times in a number of theatres. I have worked stand-up and sung country music. Both before carnival crowds and in a Branson style dinner theatre. I have done murder mystery dinner theatre. I have done children's theatre. I have been paid for performances and done a great deal in the community. I have directed and produced three shows. One, of course, being that little red-headed whore.

I have built sets, hung sets, hung lights, run cables, worked the spot. I have been backstage for orchestras, concerts, dance companies, and so much more.

I have worked traveling shows and benefits.

There is nothing I have done that I did not absolutely love. Everything taught me something new, opened my eyes to possibility and potential. Every director, every company, I have ever worked with has fed into my theatre being. Some things that worked. Some that didn't. Brilliance happening. The connection of the cast.

Each experience I have had has shown me another aspect of production and there is not a single part of it I do not have a passion for. I could live in the theatre. This was demonstrated come the days of dress rehearsal and performance when I went to the theatre as early as I could get away with just to be there and get in the groove.

If I thought I could get away with it I would go to school for a theatre degree - right this moment.

So, I am pleased with that.

Now, what was it that was so important? What was so powerful that it trumped…(no reference to the POTUS. Good Lord!!!)…what was so potent that it would come before security and abundance? I'm left with nothing concrete, nor with any drastic life changes. What could have been so critical that the Universe pushed me there, now?

Something in that list?

Something hidden in that list?

Something hinted at in that list? Something that will come to fruition in the future?

Something I haven't even considered?

That's the challenge in believing. That is the struggle of faith. With all of the uncertainties, the inclarities (yes, I make up words,) you are left with nothing but room for doubt. But there can be no doubt in the Divinity of this moment. Everything pushed me towards it. It was thrust upon me. But why?

That I do not know as of yet. I may never know. The truth is, my presence could have only involved being there for someone now to be there for someone later. The Grand Scheme of things is tricky like that. It has a tendency to move us about it for its purposes, which are not always our own. So, despite all of the uncertainties and inclarities (see, it works) about my future (as near as tomorrow,) I must rest, assured, that there was a purpose…and that it was served.