10_02, Buckle My Shoe

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

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The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

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Hoagie Snowflake

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Thing 1 & Thing 2

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The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

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Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

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Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

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Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, October 4, 2020. Time...Redacted

Theme – It’s All in Your Head

Lesson – Flow With It

Observation – Timing is Everything

The Post

I guess we’ll start with now and then jump backwards, working our way to…well, now. I have writings that follow which are from Wednesday of this week onward.

I took a retreat this past weekend. I thought I understood the purpose when I left, but now I am not quite sure. Perhaps it will reveal itself in the telling.

So, as you may know Fellow travelers, I have been having a great struggle with work – in particularly, The Job. I’ve been getting more and more frustrated and I don’t exactly know why. I mean, I know why – we don’t do what we’re supposed to, and then pretend that we do. I just don’t know why it bothers me so much. But also, I have been hurting a great deal when I work. I haven’t made it through a full four days in some time now. I mean, I’ve been having back problems from the outset but I thought I had gotten them under control I don’t know what it is about this job that causes them. It’s actually starting to become unbearable. I have tenderness at The Seasonal Store but I never hurt like I do at The Job. I never leave a shift hunched over and hobbling. I worry because it is becoming more constant. How do I work this job, or any, if my back goes?

So there has been the back stress. But there has also been the money stress. [I would like to point out that they really do tend to go together.] I’m not suffering, but I’m not getting where I’d like to get to either. I’m keeping myself afloat but I am just not gathering the funds for a place of some sort. I also can not find a place that I am comfortable with living in. So far only two have surfaced. One is a small room above a hotel in a bad part of town. I might be able to afford that if I can ever get the full amount plus deposit to get in. It is far from where Id like to be, both in homes and in location. But it would be better than the tent. Also, a room [with a private bath] came up. It is above a sleazy kinda strip club [which is ok by me] but still not where I’d like to be and also the price is the same as a small almost decent apartment. Which, pretty much, puts it out of my price range at this time.

For now, the only way to make [almost] enough money I must stick with The Job and then after The Seasonal Store take the promotion. The money will put me damn near where I’d like to be [for now] but it would also require another full 10 hour shift. Can I really do that? The wear and tear on me is not only physical it is also very mental and spiritual. Can I be that drained and recover enough to make use of my life in two days? Will I ever be able to be happy like that? I’m not really happy now. I’m already [unsuccessfully] looking for an out.

So these are my struggles. I work hard at two jobs and am still not getting anywhere. One job makes me completely miserable these days – albeit that may only in my head. Still, it is a struggle. I see myself stuck in a job that I am not liking. It doesn’t suck, but it just isn’t making me feel fulfilled either. I go in there and I am just a body. I’m not really able to do my job as a manager and that is stifling. I am trying to find other work, but so far to no avail.

I come home to a tent…and not a great one at that. However, a new and improved one is coming after Sunshine uses it for her party. How sad and pathetic is it that what I am looking forward to most right now is a new tent to live in? That is my most recent greatest accomplishment. One may wonder why I spent $200 on a new tent. That is a good question. But, you see, Sunshine needs one for her party. This tent is in no shape to let young girls sleep in it. I shouldn’t sleep in it. So, whether I was in a place or not, she was going to need a tent for her party. It was happening one way or another. At least this way, I can make some extra use out of it. I am kinda excited…and that is sad. But it’s a nicer tent. Should be slightly thicker walls, no leaking.

I know I shouldn’t complain. People are living worse off than I am. I need to remember that. Still it’s rough. I am trying to lead a normal life in a very not so normal way. I have to arrange and schedule showers…and certain bathroom deeds as well. It’s not as easy as get up and go. I actually have to get up and go…somewhere else. Again, others have it worse.

I miss my daughters terribly. I miss our life together. I can’t give them that life anymore. And, sometimes, I think they don’t care. Daddy is out of sight and generally out of mind. I not only don’t see them, I don’t ever hear from them unless we have plans or they need something. So, first it hurts that I miss them and don’t ever see us having a life together. Then, it hurts more to realize they don’ really miss me. I’ve tried to be a good dad. But, I imagine that they are embarrassed by me and the nothing ness of my life. Who wants to tell their friends their dad is living in a tent?

Then, of course, I think of the nothingness of my life. I’ve done nothing and it seems as though I can do nothing. For so long, I excused it. Life was changing so regularly. I kept trying to do things and learn and make better. But all of those things are gone now and I never managed to do anything with them before they went away. I can’t do anything with them now…and I can’t get myself to a place where I can.

I no longer feel like me. I can’t craft, or move, or create. There is no home to clean and no yard to tend. I am doing nothing of who I am…or who I thought I was. I don’t know anymore who I am. I am out of tune, even with Spirit. I am just not feeling anything anymore.

That is how this week found me at the beginning.

It did not take long into the week for it to be determined that I needed a retreat. I needed to put the world behind me for a while and just be. This seemed the perfect time to go. There was a full moon on Friday – which is actually the date in the title. I got it wrong at first but I like the title it created. We are going to work under the assumption that that is because Friday was the important day of the story. [Though I can’t imagine why.] But, it was a Full Moon nonetheless. If I timed it properly, I could do my retreat over the Day Before, Of, After Cycle. The Full Moon seemed the perfect time to put some energies into motion and to work on some healing. [I will have to look that up and see.] The timing was even more interesting because, recently the cycles have been following the New Moon instead. Also, this is the first of two full moons in October. The Blue Moon comes around Halloween, or Samhain – which has several significances for me.

Yeah. It was pretty much now or never. If I wanted to do myself any good I needed to figure out how to make the most of this Moon.

It took a little bit to put it all together. This was totally not on my radar. There was no place that was calling out to me. And, the places I could think of, I couldn’t get a room in town or even close enough to it. But this was only one problem. The other problem was that I was supposed to work Thursday through Sunday. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle this. Honestly, for the first time in months, everything lined up perfectly that if I wanted to leave The Job, this was the perfect time to do it. I could have walked away with no loose ends really. No lingering pa is what I mean. It would have worked out perfectly that I got my last pay this past Friday. Nothing else on the books at this point. Can you think of a better time to cut the ties, Fellow Travelers? I think not. But, it is the only ‘guarantee’ I have at the moment. What to do?

Make the plans, do what you need to do for you…and deal with the rest later.

Things came together quite well, actually. It took me a day to figure out where I was going and where I was staying. I just couldn’t find the right combination of things. I wanted a microwave and refrigerator, so I could eat. I didn’t want to be leaving the room if I could help it. I needed a tub. I knew I needed to soak. It has been months now since I have. I was willing to spend up to $250. I had about $212 put aside in The Savings. [I should really start calling it The Spendings, because I only ever save up so much and then it’s time to spend it on something.] Still, I was hoping to come in under $200 if I could. App after app, site after site. I just couldn’t put it together how I wanted or where I wanted.

Eventually, I would set my sights on a small town called East Stroudsburg. It is basically the University and some commercial fronts Then, a bunch of houses. There’s a store there I have heard a lot about, but not much else. But that’s ok, because the mission did not involve leaving the room. Also, it sits on a mountain.

When All Else Fails, Head for the Mountain

So, I finally found a room that fit all the basic requirements – plus it had a jetted tub. I found it for $104 a night. I wrestled with this. I could get a more basic room, still meeting the requirements for $74 a night. Someone had to convince me to just go for the jetted tub. After all, my body was certainly going to appreciate it. I searched some more and found the same room for $84 a night. I booked the room for my two nights and settled in to the thought of escaping. I didn’t know what was in store or what may happen, but I knew I needed to get away. [Again, one might ask how I could spend that money on a room right now. The answer is because I needed it.] All I had to do was see Sunshine’s ball game on Wednesday night and I would be free to go on Thursday.

Long before I arrived, I contemplated extending the stay by one more day. I figured I would wait until Friday morning to figure it out. I still hadn’t been in touch with The Job. Honestly, I didn’t know what to tell them. Was I just escaping for a few days to take care of myself, or was I quitting. Truth is, I still don’t know. My phone would ignite in the day – everyone looking for me. Eventually, on Friday I would touch base back and let them know I had needed to go away. I explained that I had a complete mental and emotional break – which isn’t untrue at all.

So, I spent Thursday morning packing up and getting ready to go. I took all of my food. I was not planning on going out or spending money I didn’t have to. I took things to do – not that I did any of them. And, I took just enough clothes for the three days. I stopped off at Old Geistopia to grab some bags and repack, then I visited The Putter. I left there with some tools and projects that I should try to get around to. [Well…not ‘try.’] Finally, it was time to go.

It was a nice drive up. I took as many back and mountain roads as I could along the way. Highways are nice, but this is how you actually see things. I checked in right about spot on time. I unloaded and vaguely unpacked and then ran to the store for some miscellaneous items. $30 later and I was ready to rock. I returned to the room and settled in for whatever was going to come next.

I didn’t know what was going to come next. This was The Day Before. T was late in the day, just about 1800. The perfect time. The first thing I did was settle in and try the tub. I used the jets for a bit, but just the ability to soak my entire body at once was incredible. I can’t remember ever being able to do that. I didn’t settle in the way I would have liked. I healed and I worked, but I never drifted off deep. I figured that was ok because there were two more to come. [Actually, in all, there would be 7 soaks and 3 showers.] I was definitely a bit more relaxed and just took the rest of the night to enjoy the ability to go to the bathroom when I wanted, or having walls and a floor. I also started writing. Something has been in my head for a while now and I felt maybe I should give it some room to breathe.

Friday was a lot of the same. I did a whole lot of nothing. I just relaxed in the room, took my two soaks, took a nap. I let the universe work on me as it wanted. I did finally run out of cigarettes on Friday. This was the plan and I had them for longer than I expected. I wanted to deal with my addictions and habits. I didn’t so good. But, still, I am aware of them and I will continue to struggle through them as I move forward. I did go that day without the cigarettes though, managing to bum one off of someone around the hotel. Eventually, on Saturday I would wander out and that is when I would buy the next pack. [But, that all comes later.]

Also, over this weekend, I don’t know if it was on Friday or Saturday, I sent a text to Big ‘D’. It simply said, “I want you to know that I forgive you.” I had had the thought some time ago. It was something that needed to be said. I waited though. I waited for the right moment. First, I needed to make sure I could stand behind it. There is, of course, a residual twinge of hurt, but it is nothing I cannot move beyond. So, I wanted to mean it, not just say it because I was told to. But, also, I wanted it to be its own individual statement. I didn’t want it attached to trying to get into The Cave, or borrowing the truck. Big ‘D’ is going in for some sort of heart procedure on the 14th, and there have been updates on that. So, I also wanted my statement distant from those. I was trying to avoid any sense of ulterior motive. It’s not that I have one, but history has shown I can easily be accused of one. There has been no response or acknowledgment. I didn’t expect one, nor do I need one. I did my part.

I was in a zone on Friday. I was very unmotivated but not in a lazy sort of way. It was more of a healing thing.

Saturday would come and, as I said, I would eventually wander out. It was a walkabout, but not my usual kind. I wasn’t searching for anything or even necessarily drawn to anything. I just needed to get out for a bit. Sadly, this did lead to buying cigarettes. I stopped at The Valley’s Favourite Convenience store [yes, they are even all the way in the mountains.] I needed coffee for the walk and I just couldn’t resist the pack. From there I headed down into the little part of town and that is when the adventure began.

I circled the main lil section and came around to a parking spot. I got out to pay the meter and thought, “I doubt I’ll use a full hour, but, just in case…” And, I bought 90 minutes of time. Like I said, there is a small shop up there. It’s a costume shop – Halloween, magic, etc. It was nice. They had stuff. It didn’t thrill me. I left there and just decided to walk. No particular direction, just go as the wind may carry me. I did take some pictures. It was the order and way in things appeared that fascinated me.

I can’t tell you at which exact point it happened in the next bit of story. I just remember it happening. But, at one point on the following walk I reached an incredible sense of what I can only call peace. Again, I wasn’t walking to find anything or go someplace. I was just walking. I was moving so slowly. I was aware of so much. I was seeing the simplest and smallest of details. Leaves in the corner of porch steps, tree needles strewn across the sidewalk. The intense blue of the sky. I was looking at the clouds, but it wasn’t divination. I wasn’t really thinking the whole time. If I could give it any description, I would say that I reached a state of pure be-ingness. In that moment, I thought, “If I could pass anything on to the world, ‘teach’ something, it would be this feeling.” In all of my years and travels and studies, I have never had quite such a sensation. I just wish I could tell you when exactly it swept over me.

This is where I started. Do you see what I see?

This building was down the block a bit. I always look at empty and available buildings. Not that I can afford one, but I do like to see what is out there and think about what I could do with it if I could do anything at all. The other interesting thing is the name on the building. The Rose of Sharon. This is a very mystical and magickal tree. It is also one that had been in The Garden at Olde Geistopia. A blessing I had been given once.

Next was the word Dignity.

Then a bit of random funness. [Yes, that’s actual Pong.]

I was headed to the next majorly commercial section of town when I spotted this arrow. I tried to walk past, but found I was drawn back. So, down the alley I went.

The words on the painting caught my eye before the painting itself.

And, what do you think caught my eyes here?

Next came The Wall of Totems.

For reasons of my own, I would call this next the end of the walkabout. Can you see why?

Still there would be two more moments. One being whimsical, perhaps. The other a lil more potent.

I finished my walkabout and made my way back to The MattMobile. I was curious just how much time had passed. I had 9 minutes left on the meter. I smiled. Funny how things work out. I thought about stopping back at the store for another coffee and maybe a lottery ticket. Suddenly there was a screech from above. It was loud and raucous. I recognized it, of course. And, as I looked up, there was the hawk circling overhead. What exactly was she trying to tell me?

I got in my car and headed to the store. As I was getting out I was thinking about the lottery. I usually do the number games. Though, I have taken to some scratch offs lately. I had the thought to buy a $20 ticket. I shook my head. Was I really in a place to spend that kind of money on a chance? Besides, the last time I found myself in this situation it was a $30 ticket and I lost. I really wasn’t in the mood to lose $20.

I looked at the machine. There was one $20 ticket available. It was one that caught my eye a few weeks back. Sigh. Fine. I bought that ticket and left the number games for another time. I went over to fix my coffee. A gentleman came over, he had torn, tattered and patched jeans. This is what I noticed first. He looked a lil rugged and carried a pack over his back. As I looked closer, one of the pockets on the pack was open. An empty sandwich bag and what looked like an empty fruit cup container. I know this look. He was a traveler, a wanderer. On another day, I may have engaged him and tried to learn his story. Honestly, he didn’t seem to want to be engaged, but he was friendly. I actually got in line after him. The lottery ticket came in between I guess. [Damn my old mind.] When he reached the register I asked if I could buy his coffee. He was a lil taken back but accepted. He fist bumped me, thanked me [as a brother] and left. Like I said, I didn’t chase him down. That was all the moment was meant to be. When I offered to buy the coffee I said, “don’t ask me why. It just struck me.”

I made my way back to the room just in time for the third magickal soak. The actual 6th soak all together.

I had to change rooms on Saturday and that was frustrating. I lost a nice piece of selenite in the move. But, I am used to crystals moving on in their own way and time. But, this also left me mostly packed and ready to leave for Sunday. Saturday night I would scratch the ticket. In my first number scratched off, I won $50. I could take $50. Sure. But then, as I continued to scratch, I thought, “Well I already won. The excitement is kind of taken out of it now.” Still, I continued to scratch and wouldn’t you know it…another $50. I managed to recoup the $20 for the ticket and almost the entire $84 I paid for the extra night.

Sunday had the final soak and shower. It was nice to be able to do these things as I wanted or needed. After I left, I would find myself back to trying to schedule showers and, even bathroom breaks. I headed back to the valley, following a very similar backroad and mountain route to the one I used before. Along the way I decided to swing through this one lil town and look at a building. Someone at The Job told me there was a room, with a private bathroom available. It is just a room, not an apartment. It is above what is known to be a sleazy lil strip club. Now trust me, that does sound like fun. Expensive…but fun. Not much better than the hotel in Allentown that I don’t want a room in, but…its not Allentown.

On my way, I noticed a lot of signs with the word Fox on them. I took note. Fox was obviously talking to me. Then as I turned the corner and looked at the building it finally dawned on me that the name of the club is The Fox. Maybe this was the sign? Perhaps this is where I should go even if I don’t really like it.

Just as I accepted that, I got a message from the person. The rent is $650 a month. Not only is that out of my price range, but I think I could find a half decent small apartment for that price. So, this isn’t the place. [Unless I come into some money soon.]

I came back to The Valley and eventually would visit with The Professor at The Putter’s. The Putter is also going in for heart procedures. He is going tomorrow. So, we thought one last go round before he is incapacitated for a few weeks. This was not a fun experience. FaeriePrincess was there and eventually, the Pillar would appear for a moment. Once again I was in a room full of people and feeling lost and alone.

On the way back to The Valley I had a relapse of sorts. My back started to hurt again. I started stressing over whether I want to stay at The Job. I started thinking about my financial strain and missing my daughters. Everything I went to escape came flooding back in and I was no better off than when I left, except for maybe just a lil more mellow in my anguish.

I sat and listened to talk of people buying houses. This was bittersweet. I am happy for my friends who are buying new homes. And, there seem to be quite a few of them. Reppert-ation and his wife just bought one. FaeriePrincess and G-Man are closing on one. Sparky and his wife are settling on one when they return from their son’s wedding in Florida. Even the Professor is looking at the lil bungalow across from Olde Geistopia.

I am happy for them. I am happy for all of them. They all deserve it. Still, it stings that I can’t even get out of a tent…and I don’t know why.

I started feeling horrible about myself. I was already feeling horrible about myself. I so feel like nothing. I really don’t know who I am anymore or what to do in life. I am in a void like I have never known. Then, along comes The Pillar with his, “You amaze yourself” routine. I do not know what ever got him started on that. It’s not even slightly amusing anymore. How could I possibly amaze myself? I don’t think I am good at anything…ever. I have failed and fucked up more than I have even tried. [Figure that one out.] How do I amaze myself? Life amazes me. The crazy shit that can go on – like the winning lottery ticket. Or how little things come together. Its those stories that inspired WTML. But, I personally, am fairly unimpressive. So what is his deal?

Then it was back to camp to settle in once more and prepare to face the week. I have an interview to reschedule. I have to talk to The GM about my week and my future. I may just tell him I don’t want to come back. Then it is just a matter of seeing what comes next.

What did I get from my little quest. Not a whole lot…yet. I think it is developing.

I do have a problem with my addictions and weaknesses. Only I can fix it and face it.

I do have trouble with focus. It is very hard for me to sit still for long even if I am doing something. I’ve known this for some time. I’ve said it too. I do best when I can do many things at once.

I am way too much in my head. I just can’t stop processing things or looking over things – past, present, future. Regrets and mistakes and victories, slight as they might be. I am searching for some kind of meaning in it all, some sort of purpose to being. I’m not really finding it.

I am attached. Buddha taught detachment for attachment causes suffering and all of life is suffering. Attachment comes from an ego in need. I am attached to my daughters. Perhaps it is best to let them go and end the suffering. I am attached to The Rabbit Hole. Perhaps it is time to let go of the dream and end the suffering. I am attached to having a home and some semblance of a ‘normal’ existence. Maybe it is best to let go of that notion and end the suffering. This is what I am currently contemplating. Not if I should…but how I can.

I have about a 6 week grace period in the yard here for Camp. By then I better have figured out what comes next. I am still not certain that I stay with The Job. Perhaps. We will see how things develop.

Overall, I have been asked to give another 3 weeks – to The Job I believe. Plus, I am intrigued to see if, and how, life changes by Samhain. Or…how I do.

I did have visions and meditations, and even some dreamtime, while I was away. They all went by so fast. I was in a definite blur for three days. I do remember the three week request and one vision of a group of people, almost in the clouds, waving me on telling me they are waiting for me.

Visions like that make me wonder if I didn’t die that night in 1998 and I am just caught in a world of my own illusions waiting to cross over.

I have no idea what is in the following entries. Enjoy!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2020; 2258

I have been wanting to write for over 24 hours now. I wanted to write last night before things got started. I wanted to track the development one step at a time. I guess I missed that boat, huh?

WALT: It’s not the first one.

Don’t start already.

WALT: Fine. I’ll wait. I’ve got patience.

Ugh.

Anyway, as you may know, I have been struggling with The Job. On one hand, I don’t hate the work and it is a decent enough – steady and stable – income. On the other hand, it has been hurting me – on all levels lately. I have been almost miserable there. I keep trying to adjust my thinking, but it hasn’t helped. More and more every day I see and hear things that upset me. Things that are contrary to my job description. Things like the ego of people. I think I could get past this, but every shift I work I physically hurt.

I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I’ve had back issues for most of my life. I’ve had times when it has impacted me for an extended period. I have never had anything so constant and consistent. I have had struggles of one form or another since I started this job. First it was because I didn’t have the proper shoes for what I was doing and I was spending an awful lot of time on my feet. Then it just seemed to continue. I balanced it while I was at the Dormitory with hot showers and baths. I do not have that luxury now.

Not only do I not have that luxury but, despite the very thin fabric walls, I also do not really have comfort from the elements. If it is cold I will feel it, somewhere and somehow. When it rains there is not only some leakage (as I learned last night) but there is always lingering dampness in the air. My air.

So, my body aches.

It curiouses me though, because I do not have this problem at The Seasonal Store. I am tender there, and I have had my rough times, but I do not feel broken. I get that it is a different job, different pace, different environment – it just makes me wonder.

It makes me wonder what I can do, if not The Job, that will not leave me feel broken. It makes me wonder if I can even find a job. Every application asks about the ability to lift, carry, bend and be on your feet for extended periods. At one time I could confidently say I could do it. I do not know any more.

I wonder this, because I have been unhappy for some time. I never did see this as a long term thing. That life cannot be my life. I mean, if I could be a restaurant manager, I could be ok for a while. Still, I would eventually have enough of it. It’s just not who I truly am. I was only putting forth this much effort because it was what was before me. It was accessible and workable.

Follow the Path of Least Resistance.

This definitely had its momentum. It was workable and bendable and doable. I accepted a path of promotion because it was presented to me at a time when there was nothing else.

[I was trying to force myself to write tonight. It has been a struggle and now it is late. I think I must rest. I have a different day tomorrow than what was originally anticipated. This is part of the reason I am trying to get the story told before it continues to unfold. But, I am tired and my eyes hurt.]

Thursday, October 1, 2020; 0709

So, here it is the next morning.

Ok. So, yes, I took the promotion path because it came to me. Despite any earlier messages [“You are not looking for a career”] it seemed The Job was a path I should follow – at least for a while. I had even had visions while at The Dormitory of being there 2 years. I wasn’t thrilled but I could accept that.

Then The Seasonal Store came along. I thought of taking the manager position and just leaving The Job behind. But, what would I do after November? The Job agreed to work around a schedule and let me do this. It seemed the best of both worlds…plus I would be able to bank some serious money. There were some complications along the way and things didn’t go as planned with The Seasonal Store. The money thing sucks, but I am happy where I am at. It is the store I was meant to be in.

But, time pressed on and I became more restless at The Job. I really was not happy and there was more and more going on to make me unhappy and more frustrated. As time went on and the pain got worse [as I worked] I started looking for a different job. I had one I looked at that I thought would be a good transition. They interviewed me [kind of] but never called again. I had one that would have been good money. I applied and received a rejection email. I have on that I have not been able to touch base with as of yet.

Eventually, I was becoming so miserable that I was talking to Thing 1 about just being done at The Job and picking up more hours at The Seasonal Store. Still, the question would remain – what would I do come mid November.

Every day, though, I would make my way back into The Job. I wanted to do better. It is just a job after all and shouldn’t get to me. But it has been.

As I entertained just quitting someone had a thought. I could leave this week, take a few days off to myself, and then come back full strength at The Seasonal Store. This idea stuck with me. That was on Monday.

I thought on it and thought on it. What were the possibilities? What were the repercussions? As I pondered on Monday night I realized a few things. First and foremost, it is a full moon this weekend. Not only is it a full moon, but it is the first of two in October. This makes the timing of my choices critical.

What I need to do is perfectly done under a Full Moon. It usually takes from moon to moon to see changes. So, coupling this with a Blue Moon could work to my advantage. What I need to do is face myself and actualize my true being.

I decided maybe I could just take three days off and return to work on Sunday. These would be the three days I was scheduled at another store for The Job. I know it wouldn’t go over well, but I felt I really needed this. I have been hurting on so many levels and in so many ways. Just a day or two of complete comfort, silence, stillness, solitude. Honestly, if I thought I could afford it, I would stay another night and really give myself time.

Anyway, I determined this needed to happen. This is such a brief window of great opportunity. To not take it, would be foolish. After all, it had to come to my consciousness for a reason.

The next step was to determine where I would go. There is no place that is really calling out to me at the moment. I thought maybe I’d go to Wellsboro. I do like it there and it sits on a mountain. [When All Else Fails, Head for the Mountain.] Also, as I told the girls when we visited there, in my ‘dream life,’ Wellsboro is where I would go to write. [And, I really want to write.] I searched, but rooms right in Wellsboro were all booked, except for one I really couldn’t afford. [Or, wasn’t willing to.]

I started looking for another option. I tried all sorts of familiar and comfortable places, even right here in The Valley. After all, this isn’t a Quest for adventuring sake. It is for healing. I just need the comfort and security of the room. I couldn’t find anything anywhere I looked. It was either too expensive or it didn’t have certain basic amenities. For instance – I need a tub. I need a microwave and fridge so I don’t have to eat out.

Finally, I found one in East Stroudsburg. It’s a cute town. I haven’t ever really explored it/ I have visited and passed through, but never explored. It sits on a mountain. It is also much closer than anything I was looking at. I looked at rooms all day Tuesday. I was comparing hotels and pricing apps and location and cost.

The one I found is a small, basic room – but it has the microwave/fridge, wifi, and…a jetted tub. [Every time I even just think those words my body sighs.] It was really at the high end of my budget range. It was $30 more a night than a more basic room. Someone convinced me that it would be worth the extra money just for the tub. This is not an untrue statement. I continued searching and comparing and finally I found the same room only $30 more [total for 2 nights] than the basic room. I booked it.

The deal was done.

I was going to call The Job yesterday morning, but I still didn’t know what to say. I’m not sure that when this is over I would want to return anyway. So, I let it ride. I had already had a vision of the GM and DL having a conversation about me. I figure they are as frustrated with the recent situation as I have been. Anyway, as I thought on it, I took a different approach. I’m supposed to work in this other store. No one ever gave me the hours. Maybe they thought I should chase them down. I don’t know. But, no one ever gave me the hours. I can’t go to work if I don’t know when.

I let it ride and I worked my day at The Seasonal Store. Afterwards, I went to Sunshine’s last official softball game and dropped off the new tent for her party. Quick notes on this – Sunshine is so unresponsive to me these days. I know she is getting older, but I miss that little glimmer of excitement at seeing me. I worry so much about them and wish so hard to be with them…but maybe it doesn’t matter to them. Also, Mama’s…whatever he is….was actually civil and polite and engaging last night. We talked to each other like normal human beings. That is te first time ever in a decade.

Another note – I commented previously that I would sense shifts in being and feeling at about 1800 each night. This was aligning with my recognition of the start/end of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The same thing happened yesterday. I was having some struggles at work. I was a little tender and I was very tired. I left work at 1700. At, 1930, I was watching the game and realized that I hadn’t felt tired in quite some time.

Final note – my back does not hurt today. There is a bit [a bit] of tenderness. That is all.

I am going to pack this up and start heading my way to my retreat now. I need to stop at Old Geistopia and grab a bag and some stuff. Then I am free to go. I have just a slight bit of stuff to do here and then I am on my way.

There are so many possible doubts. One could question how I could make these choices. But, I am totally confident in the choices and the path. I just don’t know how things will unfold when I return.

Friday, October 2, 2020; 0946

I just wanted to touch base quick before I get in the tub again. I soaked last night and it was incredible. I know I need to do it several times while I am here. I am feeling good at the moment and things are unfolding one bit at a time. I will write again later.

1549

I don’t really have much to write at he moment. Things aren’t going quite as I would have liked but they are still working. I am finally out of cigarettes and there is no place close enough that can draw me out. Not until tomorrow anyway. I might go exploring tomorrow – just to fill the soul a little. Perhaps I will come across inspiration for something.

I have soaked in a tub twice now. It feels absolutely incredible. I am going to do it again this evening. In fact, I am planning on doing it at least four more times before I leave. Maybe five if I can make it work. [I do like to keep things odd.] Anyway, it feels so incredible to soak. I cannot get over just how abused my body feels. I’ve had two tub soaks, a sleep, and a few naps already. I feel like my body is just getting back to somewhat normal.

I’ve been here about 24 hours now. It is pretty much what I had figured. The first 24 hours seemed no different than most of my life, except for the amenities. The next 24 could be a little rougher. I have been just taking things as they come. If I want to eat, I eat. If I want to sleep, I sleep. I still have a long way to go with what I would like to accomplish here, but I still have time in which to do it.

I started working on a new phase of WTML. Well, an old phase – revisited, revamped. It felt good to write. I am still having trouble just sitting down and writing though. Either there is always some sort of distraction available to slow me down, or I find I need to get up and walk away frequently. I’m just having difficulty sitting still for long. This has been going on for some time and I am hoping that something in this current journey can adjust that.

The Job seems to be doing ok with my absence and my not telling them I was leaving town. We shall see how that continues. Plus they apparently are expecting me on Sunday for my shift but I am not going to be back in time. I need to stay one more day. I can’t pack up and go yet. The timing is too critical. So, I will have to text him tonight and let him know. I also have to let him know about my challenges for next weekend. I have to drop off the heater for Sunshine’s party and then I need to pick it, and the new tent, up again the following day. This isn’t so much the hard part – only time consuming with the drives. However, once I have the new tent, I need to empty the current one, take it down and start all over again with the new one. That will certainly be time-consuming.

I hope I find what I need from this experience. I really do need something different in my life. The purpose of his exercise is to not look for it outside of myself but within.

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Bear (black) - Awakening the Power of the Unconscious

The Seven Great Lights of The Divine. Ties to subconscious and even unconscious mind. A symbol for alchemy, the ingredients of primal matter. It relates to all initial stages and primal instincts. How to go within to find the resources necessary for survival. Help you go within your soul’s inner sanctum to find your answers. Discernment and discrimination. Is your judgment off? How about those around you? Are you not recognizing what is beneficial in your life? Are you not seeing the core of good deep within all situations? Being too critical of yourself and others? Wearing rose-colored glasses? Go deep within so that you can make your choices and decisions from a position of power. Linking Heavens and Earth. Symbol of fertility, of things that grow. We must bring what we awaken into the world and apply it. Keep the cub inside alive and occasionally climb trees. A need to go deep within yourself. Have periods in your life when you are more reclusive. Go within yourself and even give birth to two or three ideas or projects. The Natural sweetness of life. Go within to awaken the power, but only by bringing it out into the open and applying it will the honey of life be tasted.

Deer (Whitetail) – Gentleness and Innocence – Gentle Luring to New Adventures

They have been able to adapt to every sort of habitat. Buddha is often pictured with a deer. Antlers are symbols of antennae, connections to higher forms of attunement. Look for new perceptions and degrees of perceptions to expand for as much as the next five years. Can indicate that there will be opportunities to stimulate gentle new growth increasingly over the next few years. Leads us back to the primal wisdom. A deer’s senses are very acute. Find increasing ability to detect subtle movements and appearances. Begin to hear what may not be said directly. Time to be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. There is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? An opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you.

Vulture - Purification - Death and Rebirth - New Vision.

A guardian to the mysteries of life and death and the road of salvation. A coming time when you will be noticed more for what you do than how you appear. You will probably start to see auras and energies around people and things. Distributing one’s energy so that gravity does not weigh and hold one down - be it the actual gravity of the earth or the gravity of mundane situations and experiences. Associated with higher forms of discrimination. Assist you in developing your own sense of ‘smell’ that you can use effectively in all areas of your life. Aromatherapy. Changes in the digestive system. Pay attention to how you feel physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually after eating various foods. Acting rather than talking. May take as much as three months before an individual begins to truly move past the death stage to rebirth. A promise that the suffering of the immediate was temporary and necessary for a higher purpose was at work. Reflects that no matter how difficult the life conditions, rescue is imminent in your life.

Skunk - Sensuality, Respect, and Self-Esteem

Teaches how to give respect, expect respect, and demand respect. It helps you to recognize your own qualities and assert them. Can teach you how to be more self-assured and how to assert yourself. The owl should be studied as it is a contrary medicine. Teach us how to get more attention without being arrogant and irritating. Sometimes it shows up to help us deal with those people in our life who are outrageously irritating. The sense of smell has ties to sensuality and sexuality. The use of fragrances will elicit dynamic responses in those associated with. Can usually expect to experience stronger sexual responses to others and in their response to you. A greater ability to attract people will begin to unfold. Cycles. Must learn to balance the ability to draw and repel people. There is a natural cycle. Solitary animal. There are times best for drawing people and there are times to avoid people. Indication of the active flow of the Kundalini or life force (ties to the sexual energies and the life force active in every aspect of the life process.) Kundalini is usually already active. Time to amplify and teach the use and control of this life force more effectively. The ability to be able to turn on and off the creative force and direct it along several lines. Good for those people with this totem not to blow their own horn. Sit back and let others do the noticing for you. Teach you when it is best to be noticed and how o go about it most effectively. Going to have opportunities to bring out new respect and self-esteem. Lessons and times associated with increased sensuality physically, sexually, psychically, and spiritually. Examine your self-image. People are going to notice you. How they notice and remember can be controlled by you.

American Shad – Cannot Find

Wolf - Guardianship, Ritual, Loyalty, and Spirit

Teaches you to know who you are and to develop strength, confidence and surety in that so that you do not have to demonstrate or prove yourself at all. Very expressive with hands, face, posture, or some other manner. How to empower your verbal communications with appropriate key language. Teach the lesson of proper governorship - the balance between authority and democracy. How to use ritual to establish order and harmony in your own life. Helps us to understand that true freedom requires discipline. 22-24 months. Need to make use of all that is available to you. Remind us to not waste, as much as to remind us to keep our spirits alive Great discrimination. Listen to own inner thoughts and words. The intuition will be strong. Learning to trust your own insights and to secure your attachments accordingly. Help you to hear the inner and guard from inappropriate actions. Time to breathe a new life into your life rituals. Find a new path, take a new journey, take control of your life. Do so with harmony and discipline.

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill.

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.

Fly – [*from trustedpsychicmediums.com*]

When the fly spirit animal makes its way into your life, this usually serves as a warning that there’s danger lurking somewhere.

It means to catch your attention when you are spending too much of your time with someone or on something that has a destructive influence.

The fly meaning brings to focus to anything that’s causing harm to your life, whether of your own choosing or not. An example of this is giving in to societal pressures and indifference.

Just like the cricket spirit animal, the meaning of the fly also speaks about hate, spite, malice, or blame. It buzzes to be heard and flies overhead annoyingly until you are forced to swat or kill it with anything you can get your hands on.

However, before you dismiss the fly as nothing but bad and undesirable, the fly symbolism also speaks about cures for sicknesses (just like the deer symbolism).

The meaning of the fly also serves as a reminder that you reap what you sow.

What you put out there to the world will come back to you a hundredfold, so make sure that your actions, thoughts, and words come from a place of love and goodness.

The fly spirit animal symbolizes abundance and prosperity during times of adversity.

It sends the message that by being persistent, consistent, and determined even in the face of tragedy will result to victory.

The fly signifies encouragement, because it does a very excellent job of goading you with its presence until you surrender to what it wants and let you be.

It will always fasten on you, arouse you, reproach you, or persuade you, and will not be satisfied until you get on your feet and achieve what you set out to achieve.