A Year in Review

The Post

It certainly has been quite a year. My own personal life has been all over the place. But, globally, we have been facing The -Vid, elections, tensions, and such.

The -Vid alone has changed the face of life drastically - not just here in The States, but across the globe. They are introducing two vaccines now. I’m not sure how I feel about them in general, but if administering them makes people comfortable enough to return to a somewhat normal life, I am all in. I won’t take it. But, hey, you all go for it.

Let’s jump back two years. I believe that is the set-up for the year that followed - which inevitably gave birth to the year I have lived.

Two years ago, at this time, I was just returning to my life from The Vacation. Of course, ‘The Vacation’ is a euphemism for a stay in the hospital psych ward. I am sitting in the very same park now that I was in the day I came so close to attempting to take my own life. I don’t know what stopped me. But, it did…and here I am.

Last year, at this time, I was experiencing similar feelings. I wasn’t suicidal, but I would have welcomed Death gladly. I was struggling to keep my life together and I was missing The Princesses so terribly much.

This year, as I said, I am feeling very lost. I do not know how I feel about anything - The Job, my life, my hopes and dreams, my attachment to The Princesses. I have no vision at this time of year. Everything is so very…I don’t even know what the word is. It is, without a doubt, the strongest, most Magickal time of year. The Great Spirit, and Spirits of all kinds become so very active. I am used to not knowing what is coming next as I approach Yule. It is just the way it has been for over a decade. Maybe even two. This is the time of year when anything can be shifted in great ways.

Anything truly can happen.

This is the time of year when we get settled and situated for the year ahead.

Last year, as I said, life was grim. Though I was staying with Hoagie at The Dormitory, I was technically homeless. I had The MattMobile, but it was having major issues, from a leaking gas tank to problems starting. I was unemployed and it was a whole string of messes that left me in that situation. And, as I said before, I was missing The Princesses. This was the first Yule I had to spend completely without them. I missed them and our traditions and our magick.

This is how I came into the new year.

I was unemployed, homeless, lonely, and The MattMobile was no longer mobile. In fact, even once it was starting properly, I was unable to drive it due to brakes. [Which, I was eventually able to change with the help of some friends.]

I had followed The List through Yule. I had accomplished, eventually, everything that I was asked to do - even the things I didn’t really want to. So, as January moved forward, I found my gifts, or they found me. The MattMobile got repaired with a battery and brake replacement. I still had a leaking tank, but I could at least drive again.

Before the month was out, I would find employment. Every failed attempt prior had led me to The Job. It wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t looking for anything very long-term, [or a career] but at least I would be in an environment in which I was comfortable. I figured that I could use the steady base salary to keep me funded while I rebuilt some work in the retail merchandising field. I was able to do some jobs at first, but then it all just went south. I still can’t quite get it right when I try to pick up the odd job here or there.

I had The Dormitory, at least until the nights got warmer and then I was going back to The MattMobile.

We were just nearing the warmer nights when The -Vid struck. This cancelled leaving The Dormitory. There was no longer anywhere to go. It also held me back financially.

I had had struggles in the beginning. I have experienced more back and leg troubles with this job than any other before. So, in my first several weeks - without the proper shoes - I was losing hours because I could no longer stand up straight. I got the proper shoes, and learned to soak in order to balance it out a bit. I was just getting myself better and balanced when The -Vid hit.

Now, hours at work were cut back because operating hours were cut back. So, I had a reduced pay from what I was originally budgeting, but I was still able to manage my weekly expenses and take on some newer things, such as contributing $50 a month to Hoagie [in some way, shape or form in the month.]

The Princesses and I had just started going to dinner every couple of weeks.

WALT: And, then, The -Vid hit.

That’s right. The -Vid really put a damper on everything. I don’t know how it worked for everyone else, but for me it was almost like a big reset button. It’s not that anything really got reset, but everything just seemed to stay in one place, at one level. There was nothing to do anymore, no place to go. So, there was no amount of energy that would push anything forward. All any of us could do was take it one day at a time.

As ill as I feel towards The Job these days, I do have to say that I am grateful it is a job that kept me working through it all. It allowed me to get myself tweaked in my finances and spending while the world was shut down. Many people were out of work and on unemployment. Of course, they received a great deal of money for being unemployed. Still, many of them never returned to work and that money has come to an end.

With nothing left to do, I did my best. Instead of moving out of Hoagie’s, I moved more stuff in. This was not to move in, per se, but instead to get organized. I would go to The Cave, sort through things, bring as much back to The Dormitory as I could and then sort through it. The next week I would take a load back to The Cave, put it where it belonged, and brought a new load back. This was a long and tedious process and I never did quite get it finished before it was officially time to leave. Still, it made a great difference in things. And, when it was time to officially leave, The Cave and the stuff was prepared for storage.

I offended Hoagie and this is what led to me being out of The Dormitory. I almost feel bad about it. It was long past time to go. That is the first consideration in things. I couldn’t go when I wanted to and now time had drug on as I tried to sort and situate. The second consideration is that he had offended me as well. Many times he offended me and took advantage of my nature. But all of that, is a different part of this story.

So, I left The Dormitory and continued to work. I had an on again off again with The MattMobile. I crashed in it for a few nights and then I would have someplace to stay - either house sitting or a hotel on one of The Quests with The Princesses.

Eventually, I would settle into Camp - a tent in the backyard at The Baker and Andy Pandy’s. Once again, I did not plan to stay long. Once again, I was there longer than I would have planned. They were very gracious in their aid to me. I had electric and access to the internet. When it got cooler they helped me with a camping heater and one of the two propane tanks I would procure. [Both returned now.] The stay was extended several times, but ultimately, the timeframe had been determined. I wanted to be out before it got terribly cold, or the snow hit. I had one more house sitting gig to do and after that I would move on from the tent.

There were financial blessings and boosts throughout the year. There was a stimulus check due to The -Vid, a decent enough tax return [for me,] and a small bonus from The Job [due to The -Vid.] All of this helped sort of balance the playing field. I spent about $1000 replacing the fuel system on The MattMobile. I balanced out some of my personal debt [to people I owe, not the rest lol.] I was also able to take the girls on the occasional adventure.

We still don’t see each other often enough for my taste. [Honestly, there is never enough.] But, we have had those adventures. We went to Wellsboro, and Mystic, and Gettysburg. We have walked in the mountains and taken a small step back in time. We frolicked in the ocean waters - twice in one day. We discovered things and shopped and ate. Truth is, these are the best vacations we’ve ever had - albeit brief ones. Still, all-in-all, we managed ten days of adventure together over the summer months and we have one more adventure to go. We are going to get together on New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day and celebrate our Holi-Days then.

As a whole, the year has been intense financially. It is unlike anything I have ever known - even before My Death and two decades of no steady income. I am managing my bills, which, granted, are small compared to most. But they are mine and they are vital - such as car insurance and cell phone. I have remained fed at all times. I have yet to go hungry. I’ve bought some clothes, and random electronics and played the lottery and blew some money here and some there. I seem to always have at least a bit left going from one pay into the next. I have managed a 10% fund. This is something I have tried so many times and in so many ways and it just never really worked for me. I have been spending it almost as fast as I save it, but that’s OK. For instance, I wiped it out for the down payment on The Vantasm, and by Christmas it will have two deposits. But, I need to take that to complete my budget for the Princesses time at New Year’s.

I have also managed another financial exercise that I have attempted many times in the past. It came to me as an abundance ritual, which it remains. But it doesn’t necessarily need to be considered magickal. It’s just basic affirmations. The idea is to put $1 a day into a jar or container of some sort. When you do this you are to visualize abundance - finances expanding, the life you want, etc, etc. It is to be started on a Full Moon and you continue this every day for 3 Moons. I have never been able to go long before I needed to take from it or couldn’t put a dollar together to add to it. I am on my 3rd cycle now. The idea, then, is to use that money to treat yourself to something. I have used it towards time with the girls. In fact, that is where the bulk of the money I have set aside for our next trip has come from. My plan, ultimately, is to get away from needing it to splurge on things and use it to start investing in penny stocks. I am in no hurry to accomplish anything on that front, other than to start so there is something happening. Perhaps the batch I have brewing now, which will be finished at the end of January.

Of course, with the good, comes the ‘bad.’ There was an accident with The MattMobile. It was hit in a parking lot. I did receive almost $1000 for the damage [Which balanced me out for monies spent/lost in early October - and then some.] But, there was more damage than I had realized. Inevitably, I would need to replace The MattMobile.

Enter The S.S. Vantasm.

I had to pull resources, and get help, in order to invest in a 2010 Dodge Grand Caravan. I needed a van all along and I could really feel it for a long time. As The Pillar said, I am back in my element. I feel at home in it. I feel comfortable. And, though it is still newer to me, everything is slowly finding its place and purpose within. Even DWEE has found his seat.

However, the car payment and my total insurance payment pretty much eat up any income I had slotted for renting a room. I am crashing nights at Queen Spooky’s but that cannot last for too long either. Meanwhile, things are getting sorted and situated in The Vantasm. I have no idea what the Universe has planned but it is obvious that I will not be moving out of the van and into any kind of a home any time soon. [I’m figuring at least three months…possibly many more.]

I wasn’t certain that my income was going to bear a rent payment, so I am not sure how this is going to go either. It will be a challenge. With the winter weather I tend to idle a lot and I am spending almost triple in gas each week.

Only Time Will Tell.

So that is the course of my year in a nutshell. It kind of seems like two steps forward and one step back. Or, maybe [as is typical in my life] it is one step forward and two steps back. I have had a year like no other. I have lived and done things with my daughters and saved money and spent money and bought a car.

Still, I have no home and now I am farther from that Goal than I would truly like to be.

But there is so much more to my year than just its course. I’ve been very introspective - soul searching.How could I not? There is no better time to try to understand The Self better than when life is in turmoil. There has been so much thrown on the table, so much I have looked at and questioned - and for various reasons, through similar experiences.

For instance, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t do people so good. I like people. I love people. But, when it comes to getting close or having attachments or commitments, I don’t do so good. It’s For various reasons. I find, often, that it is due to expectations - mine or theirs. I also find that once expectation enters the equation - disappointment is close behind. I suppose that sounds worse than I mean it. Nonetheless, closeness is difficult for me.

I think my greatest Observation of myself is that I am damaged. I am very, very damaged. I didn’t realize just how damaged and hurt I have been. I suppose, truth be told, I can be just as toxic as the forces from which I have been trying to separate myself. It’s ok, because, just like those forces, it is inadvertent. Toxic people don’t mean to be toxic. It’s not intentional. Usually, toxic people do not realize they are toxic. Like any of us, they believe they are doing their best - they believe they act from love. But, we are all flawed, to the same degree but in different ways.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have come to learn that flaws are not necessarily bad things. If nothing else, they give us something to overcome - to work on or change. Or, in the case of so many of my traits, embrace and make the most of them. I tell people two things all the time - I am an idiot and I am a fuck-up.

It’s OK. Don’t react.

I am an idiot. I am forgetful and absent-minded. I am scatter-brained and very often it causes me to do dumb things. And, I am a fuck-up. If you need something messed up - I am your guy. Guaranteed I can mess it up. I break things without trying. [Very often, in trying not to.] But it is all OK. I don’t think less of myself. I no longer see these as negatives. They are what they are and they can make life interesting. So far, they have never caused irreparable damage. They tend to be more quaint and amusing than anything. So, I let them be what they are and do my best to keep them in check, or take necessary precautions when it is important.

They’ve actually taught me some things along the way. For instance, because I am absent-minded, I have learned to prepare for my day [at least] a day ahead of time. That way, all of the little things that I forget when I am planning and packing, I can throw in before it is too late. I do it with everything - clothes, tools, money. I do it for all occasions - work, errands, time with the girls. You can guarantee that whatever I absolutely need tomorrow is within arm’s reach today. This is what allows me to live on the fly and also be prepared and ready.

I can be rough around the edges. Depending on your interaction with me, it is possible to really not like me. I can be arrogant, and cynical, and sarcastic…and just down right mean. Again, in knowing this, I can work to curb it. I have come a long way and I still have quite a bit of distance to go. But, I figure that I am no worse than anyone else.

I have learned that I am weak and scared and fragile. I can give into temptation easily and release all sense of Will in the blink of an eye. I can be hurt and bruised easily. I’m what you would call sensitive. [Fragile.] And, I am scared - though I cannot imagine of what.

I have an obsession with the rules. This is funny, because it really only ever applies to work or a job. In life, in general, I don’t think there are really any hard and fast rules. Some of the greatest moments and creations of history have happened because of ‘breaking the rules.’ But, when it comes to working a job for someone else, I think it is different. It is not my name or reputation. It is not my product. It is not my customer base. I am merely a representative, an agent, an aide. They have developed the system to achieve the results they desire. I am only there to help them do that. It is the job I agreed to do. So, just do it right. I get that from my father, who got it from his father before him, “If you’re going to do it, do it right.”

I am adamant about ‘the book’ to a fault. I know this and I admitted as much in my interview for The Job. I believe in ‘the book.’ But, I also realize that - sooner or later - everyone bends the rules to meet their own ends. Myself as well. I have done it and will do it again. Sometimes they are little rules, sometimes bigger - but we all do it and we all believe we have a good reason for doing it. There are also some rules that no one will ever follow, no matter how hard you try. So, you learn to accept it [with the understanding that when its important we all play along.] I still don’t agree with any of it, but it happens and I am guilty as well. I guess I just believe that before you can bend the rules you have to know how to play by them.

I started negative on purpose. We must take the good with the bad. There is no light without some darkness. It is not something we can change, nor should we ever try. Balance is life’s nature. The most we can do is live - here and now [Right Thought, Right Word, Right Action.] The most we can strive for is to do [and be] our best in every moment. Harm none. Do as thou wilt - will through love. We will never perfect it. We will fall and fail over and over again. Sometimes in the littlest of acts, such as flipping off the random person who irritates you at the wrong moment. [Or even thinking about it…or thinking any negativity towards a person.] We do it. It happens. We will always do it no matter how good we get at not doing it. So, we forgive ourselves [and them] and move on and strive to do better.

I have learned in this year that, no matter how horrible a person I may be, at the end of the day I am a good person. I don’t wish harm on anyone. I want the best for everyone. I want everyone to have a sense of love and faith and accomplishment - of glory and grace. I strive every day to put more love and light into the world around me. I have challenges - like The Job or Big ‘D’ or Hoagie or however many more I may not be aware of, but I truly do wish the best and the brightest for all.

I do well with things. Anything. Everything. If I put even the slightest bit of effort or energy into it, I can do well. I don’t know that I am smart, or educated, or talented in any way. But, I am capable. I am always striving to do better at what I do.

I have a strength I do not understand. People have commented on it for so long now and I just never saw it. But, as look back over these past 22 months I can see that no matter how hard it has gotten, no matter how down or depressed I have become, I find a way. I find a way to keep on going, to find resolution, to try to push forward.

But, I must be honest with you. That strength comes solely through faith. That is the truth of the matter. I not only believe, but I have faith, that there is some force in the universe that touches all things and works for our good. A Universal Life Force Energy. I do not know what it is. It may be a god or gods. It may be aliens. It may be science, or even just pure chance and happenstance. One person told me she thinks we are all just a simulation, a game on someone’s little device.

I don’t care what it is because, whatever it is, it is there and it is real and it works. Whatever it is, it is greater than anything we can comprehend. No matter how much of it we know, we will never be able to fully conceive of its vastness and wholeness.

I have this faith because time and time again my adventures and experiences in life have allowed me to look upon any number of its numerous faces. I have had many occasion to listen to its whispers.

I have learned this year that my life is truly blessed. It is. It is far from perfect or ideal, but it is blessed. I have seen a lot and done a lot and learned a lot. My experiences have been broad in scope. I have come to know so many different souls and so many of them have been there in some way shape or form to lift my soul and my spirit. I could have never made it through these months, nay the whole of my adult life, without these souls. They have made me who I am. This is just as true for the more toxic relationships, such as Big ‘D.’

My life has been blessed.

I have never gone without, even when I have had nothing. Things have always worked out, at least for a short while, no matter how hard or challenging or hopeless they have become along the way. I always have what I need when I need it. [Though I have not always realized it, nor been able to approach it that way.] Perhaps, now in awareness, I can.

I find myself to be grateful. I am grateful for the whole of my life - the good, the bad and the ugly. I sit here right this moment and I am pleased with my experiences and myself and my life. It is not perfect or ideal. There is lack all over the place. But, I feel good and I have what I need right this moment. I am not perfect but I at least try to do better. I wouldn’t trade a single one of my experiences for anything - not even the darkness. I have had just as much darkness in my life as I have light. There are many things I am not proud of, nor eager to share. Still, they helped forge me into someone better. Someone who tries and strives to move beyond the darkness. But then, I was told as much way back in the beginning.

“You cannot truly know The Light until you have walked through The Darkness.”

My life is blessed. It is not the norm, but it is blessed. I have always been blessed. I want to live from this space moving into the next year.

The Baker recently asked me what it is I did in a past life that was so terrible. As I explained to her, I am not so sure everything I have been through has been about paying back bad karmic debt. I’m sure some of it has. I have racked up plenty of that in this lifetime alone, so I can only imagine what my overall tab might be. No, instead I think it is all a blessing. In this blog and in my life I prattle on and on about the Principles - Ask & It Is Given, We Always Have What We Need, Do Not Worry About Tomorrow, Everything Happens for a Reason - Precise & Perfectly Placed. And on and on.

My life is an example of all of these things. Whether I like it or not, I live these Principles every day.

For example - I was working towards some form of a home. For a few months now, opportunities have teased me - presenting themselves at a time I was unable to pursue them. This has been frustrating and depressing. Then, just as I got close enough to give it a go, I had to get The Vantasm. All I can think now is, “Thank G-d I didn’t find a place because now I would be screwed.” I mean, sure, I’d have a home, but I’d have no real way of providing for it or supporting it without a vehicle. Whereas, I can still live and function and do from this vehicle. It is challenging sure, but it is easier than the other way around.

Or, I think about The Rabbit Hole and how much it upsets me that I have never been able to get it off the ground. Thank G-d I didn’t. I would have lost it all this year.

I think about my original ‘business plan.’ I wanted to own a record/CD shop. I think music is so important and vital to our lives. Thank G-d I didn’t. That industry and its media have changed so much that I would have had to close up shop.

People may not understand it, or agree with it, but it has been a most excellent journey thus far. There is no amount of money or success or things that could ever replace what my life has given me. I could continue on with the positives and negatives of being me, but put quite simple, I Am That I Am. Take it or leave it, like it or lump it. I have been left with stories of all shapes and sizes. They are unique to say the least. As am I. I may not be perfect. I certainly may not be for everyone. But, I am me and there can never be another one like me.

But this is true for everyone. Everyone has a story if we just take the time to listen.

It is now Tuesday, December 29, 2020 at about 1000. I have one closing shift left at The Job. Then I have three days off, which includes my time with The Princesses. It will also see the conclusion of Yule.

As I sit here, I look at my life. Almost all of it needs an upgrade. I need new glasses, new teeth, new clothing. I need a home - preferably one that allows me to have The Princesses and make something of our time before they are young women out and exploring life on their own. I need more income or a different job. I feel like I need so much. Yet, I am grateful for all that I have. I am not disappointed in my experience of life. There are times it has been hard but as many times it has been unimaginably amazing. I have not always made the most of what I could but I have often risked everything to make a go of things. It has been a little Yin and a bit of Yang every step of the way. I am awed and amazed and inspired by the true journey that life can be.

I do not know what the next year will hold. I do not know exactly how it all plays out. There are many things on the table at the moment. I should have expected as much. Usually, it doesn’t come until the beginning of January. But then my entire Yule experience has been earlier than usual. The time frame has been moved up…and I may [or may not] know why.

Whatever 2021 may hold, Fellow Travelers, I wish you all the best and the brightest. May you find your spark, and if you have it, may you let it continue to light your way. I hope to be able to continue to share my journey with you, and I hope that you continue to join me.

Blessed Be, Fellow Travelers.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

None mentioned this week. [That doesn’t mean they weren’t there.]