A Post to Change It All [I think...maybe...we'll see...]

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible, and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 2

Queen Spooky

Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, November 29, 2020. Time...Heralding.

Theme – The Art of Listening

This comes along every so often. Such as with the lottery tickets a week or so ago. Listening isn’t always easy. It isn’t always straight or plain or clear. And it certainly isn’t always what we want to hear. Just listen – no matter how random or odd or off it seems at the time. Just listen.

Lesson – Give Thanks (even for the fleas!)

I really don’t know how to make this long story short.

WALT: Do you ever?

Shush. Nonetheless, I will do my best. This lesson comes to me through a friend on Facebook. He shared his own experience of the lesson itself and it touched me…moved me…inspired me.

He was reading a book written by a Christian woman whose family helped Jews during the Holocaust. They were captured and subsequently sent to concentration camps. All of them died, except his woman. In the book, she told the story of a time when she and her sister were stationed at the same camp. She recalled how the women’s bunk room was infested with fleas and all of the women complained. All of the women except her sister. Her sister said she was very happy for the fleas. She said that a loving G-d has a reason for everything and so, if the fleas were there, then there must be a reason and it was good. So, she was thankful for them. Some time later, she came to the bunk and told the women that she had learned the reason they were able to conduct their prayer meetings and such undisturbed was because the Nazi guards hated the fleas. So, she concluded, G-d did have a purpose for the fleas.

Sometimes it is difficult to be thankful for the fleas in our lives. I spent time this week looking at all of the fleas in my life – past and present. I searched for the good in those moments and experiences. I looked for what I learned or what was saved or accomplished. Everything Happens for a Reason.

Observation – Faith Above All Else

When all else fails it’s all there is. The only true path to peace is faith. Faith in yourself. Faith in life. Faith in a higher power. Faith in humanity. You have to believe that all is right with the world…or nothing will be.

The Post

My what two days can bring. Well…four, I guess. Thursday was the last time I had a moment to write anything for this post. I had plenty of time, actually. I used it. But then I moved into my weekend, which was a bit more hectic.

I worked on Friday and Saturday. There was nothing in particular about these days. I made it through both of them with little problem. I started to feel some discomfort by the end of my shift on Friday and when I woke Saturday, I was very tender. I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the day. I did…but just barely. I was definitely feeling it by the end of the day. In fact, I was still feeling it quite a bit on Sunday morning. [And that was after sleeping on cushions.]

The days themselves were fairly uneventful. On Friday, I had a customer call and say he would be in to see me before the end of my shift because he had a problem with me. He never showed up, nor do I know what the alleged problem may be. On Saturday I did have a moment with one of the crew members. I totally unleashed on him. I needed food. I called for food. He went outside, changed the signs around and had a cigarette. Needless to say, I was not very happy…and I let him [and everyone within about 50-yard radius, know it. He felt he shouldn’t have been yelled at. I do not necessarily disagree with him. I let him have it. Brief and to the point but definitely aggressive. But this was also after he had spent the morning getting more and more snippy about things. He just had such an attitude that morning. I had enough.

The day, and the moment, did get me to thinking about things. I was irritated as well. I just have a hard time dealing with the overall atmosphere of The Job. There is a lot of negativity and even more ego. So, there is a constant nitpick going on about someone. Who can do what better. Who had poor behavior. I can get into it, too. That’s what I really don’t like. I don’t want to be in that groove. Everyone has potential. But it has to be nourished and nurtured. There just isn’t a source for that at the moment. I don’t have the power, nor the energy if I did, to manage such a thing. Still, it is what it is.

But there is also an attitude about work. Every time we find ourselves void of a customer; it seems people’s instinct to just stop. I see a lot of standing and talking, hands on hips, leaning on boards and counters. This shit makes me nuts. There is an old saying in the restaurant business, “If you got time to lean, you got time to clean.”

I had an employee watching videos on his phone on the sandwich board. There were no customers at that one particular moment. I told him he wasn’t being paid to watch videos. He slammed his hands on the board, then through them up to the monitor to indicate its emptiness.

“I’m not being paid to do anything right now.” [See, that’s the core of the issue. Everyone seems to think that the only job description/requirement is waiting on the customers. It’s not.]

I responded by walking along his board and pointing out three things that he could be getting done. [Meanwhile, the assistant was making herself comfortable, leaning on the board next to him.]

I know I can be hard on people. I have high expectations.

I have high expectations of myself.

And, quite frankly, if I can do something…anyone can do it. I’m a fuck-up and an idiot. It’s true.

WALT: At least you said it.

I don’t need someone else to say it for me. I know. I have had almost 50 years with myself. I am well aware that I stand a good chance of forgetting something, breaking something, screwing something up. I know this. People do not realize how much of my life is structured around countering this. It is why I do what I do [and/or when.] For example, it is why I will pack and prepare at least a day before something – work, quest, girls, laundry, whatever. This gives me time to remember what I have forgotten; Find what I have lost. It allows me to start the next day, to face the thing, with a clear and confident head.

Things will still go awry somewhere along the line, but I minimize the chance just a little. I promise you something goes wrong – sooner or later. It always does. I can’t help it. The craziest shit happens to me when it is least expected.

I Am That I Am.

So, I get a little hard on people. I expect people to work like I do. But then, I like to work. I like to do and perform and accomplish. I like to create and shape and forge. I like to work. I like keeping busy and being occupied.

House-sitting has been a perfect example of this. It is actually Monday night right now, and that is because I have been on the go. I had the girls, but there were things to take care of along the way as well – dishes and meals and clothes and such. In fact, I didn’t sit down to write until I had enough done to feel accomplished and like I could focus on this.

If I can I Do.

And that’s one of my things lately. Like, why can’t I have a home? I keep a good home. I am reminded of this time and time again. And the more I can do, the more I get done. It was an accomplished day all around and I actually did very little. Today was the Day to Rest. I just so happen to get Just Enough of the right stuff done along the way.

Anyway…I digress.

WALT: Do I even have to say it?

No. Probably not.

WALT: K.

So, I can be hard on people.

Nothing like a good healthy dose of Self-Realization.

This got me to thinking about Craze & Co. I have definitely been hard on them at times over the years. [But I have been equally forgiving as well.] Nonetheless, what I was really thinking about was the recent decline of The Cave proposal. It sucks, but it’s all good, and I get it. I do. They care about me, but they can’t have me around and I get that. I care about them, but I really don’t need to be hanging out with them in any way. The distance and separation – though slightly sad – are necessary and better for everyone. It isn’t really where I wanted to be. It was just the best solution I could think of that would manage almost all aspects of my being. But it wasn’t right.

It's strange when I go back there. I don’t necessarily feel connected to anything, but at the same time it feels as though things aren’t finished there. It’s a very big In Between in a host of so many other In Betweens.

So, I’m at peace with it all.

[So, that should purge my heavier thoughts and feelings – except the obvious of being homeless.]

Let’s move on to other things. Shall we?

So, we are currently under the Full Beaver Moon…

WALT: Did you seriously just string all of those words together in one sentence?

It’s what’s written here!

WALT: Hey, man. I’m not judging. I like a full beaver too…and a good moon.

JOHNNY: Walter!!

WALT: What? They’re his words.

It’s…in…the…script.

DOC: Zat ees ze name of zis Moon.

WALT: Well, someone might want to re-think that is all I’m saying.

Not everyone is a juvenile.

Anyway, I find this so very fascinating. I tried to explain it to The Princesses, but they just aren’t around enough to quite get it. I have been running 2 different cycles recently – one to The New Moon and one to The Full Moon.

The New Moon has been the Princesses. I noted this back in August already [I think.] It seems every time we have gotten together for the past few months it has fallen over The New Moon. This includes two weeks ago when we went to West Reading.

The Full Moon started with The Getaway. [That I know of. It could have been sooner.] Then there was Halloween. And now, this weekend. Interestingly enough, that would be three full cycles for each. Maybe 4 for the New Moon. But also, in this weekend, I saw both Cycles come together in one. I don’t want it means. I don’t really know what magicks are afoot. [I never really do.] I just have a sense for tracking the magicks.

I find it even more interesting since the whole of my life is in this big void – only it doesn’t seem to know it yet. Like, I have no idea where I am staying come this Friday. I have some options before me at the moment, and some phone calls to make, I just don’t know what is going to be the choice. I don’t actually see any of them except maybe one.

Only Time Will Tell.

So, there is all this stuff going on in my life. Only, my life doesn’t seem to know this. It’s just continuing on nonchalantly, business as usual. Meanwhile, I’m over here falling apart, trying to keep it all together.

So, again, there is the obvious – I really don’t know where I go next. Currently, there are several paths before me. There is The Fox and the other bar – both which I need to call. There is the New Rescue Mission I found in Bethlehem. I heard an ad for the one in Allentown [which I hear is not really that decent of a place to be] but if they are on air maybe they are letting people work now. I can return to the tent for [up to] the end of the year. I have also received an offer for using a person’s refinished basement. I don’t know what to do or what I can do. Everything has its blessing and its curse. I suppose I will make the right choice in the right moment.

There is The Job. I know I have to stay until there is something else. But it does make me miserable. I really don’t think that I can do the promotion, because I really don’t think I can give them another 10 hours of my life. 40 is already taking a toll on me.

In both of these instances, I cannot see past tomorrow. [I mean really, I can’t even really see tomorrow – Tuesday.] Truth is, I really don’t want to go to The Job on Wednesday. Not at all. But there is something I need to do there, whether I work or not.

What I do see is what I have left to do at this moment. I have some laundry to tend to. I have phone calls and arrangements to make. I have business which must be taken care of. I also have this post. And it is definitely time for a good long soak in a tub. Somehow this all happens within the next day and a half.

I can’t even really. There is just something blocking my vision. I almost kind of like it actually. It allows me to just focus on the moment. On writing…and telling the story…I hope.

Let’s first talk about my time with The Princesses. I am house-sitting for The Mudder this week and they allowed me to have the girls so we could observe Thanksgiving. I left work and headed straight for them. I picked them up near the house and we went and settled in. Then we ordered dinner. It wasn’t our Thanksgiving dinner. This was The Day Before. So, we ordered from a local Italian spot we haven’t been to for some time.

We ate dinner and settled in to watch Elf. It was determined that we would try to squeeze in our traditional holiday movies while we were together. We actually managed four and there were only three on the list. Elf was first. Then last night we did It’s a Wonderful Life and started The Santa Clause. Today we watched Miracle on 34th St, finished The Santa Clause and watched some Christmas Family Guy.

Anyway, both Cuddlebug and I fell asleep during the movie.

Yesterday we got up and milled about a bit. They decided they wanted to go shopping. I didn’t feel like going to the mall, so I compromised and told them we could go to Target – which they both seemed to like.

So, we left the house and headed first, to Olde Geistopia. I wanted to look for some things in The Cave. Didn’t find them. But we did manage a visit with The Putter and even The Pillar would show up, weaving his mystical web around the girls before we left.

We hit Target and went our several ways. I let them run off to explore in their own way and I set off to explore in mine. I had quite the trip. Spirit was on fire and in rare form. I found what I was sent there for – as well as a game for me and the girls to try. [Which we played today.]

We also got a gingerbread house kit. We do this every year. It really has been a year for tradition, despite my non-traditional life. Anyway, we took a shot at the Gingerbread house and it went well.

And then, it didn’t.

We laughed…a lot. This, too, happens every year. I think we are so afraid to not have enough icing to do the house that we really skimp on the icing to hold it together. I told them maybe next year we will find ourselves in a position to actually bake the gingerbread and make the icing. Then we don’t have to worry about running out of anything.

We also played our UNO game.

And, of course, what would a visit be without some of dad’s french toast.

All-in-all, it was a very good time. These moments are always so bittersweet. They are a taste of life – as it should be. It is time when we can be and function as a family. As much as we had that at Olde Geistopia, we didn’t. There were still limitations and restrictions. We were never really free to just be us. So, it’s nice when we get these moments, and I can see what our family is really like. It’s nice when we can engage in tradition and activity and moments together. But then it ends and we are left with the question of when will it happen again.

Right now, the plan is to try to get together on New Year’s Eve/Day. It is technically my holiday this year. [Well, next year.] At this point, we would have to rent a room in order to see each other. I don’t know how I do that. [I don’t really know how I do anything moving forward.] But I would like to see them. We can’t do Christmas. I suppose I could rent a room for Christmas Eve, but the agreement is that they go back at 0900 on Christmas morning, so it seems kind of a waste for such a short time together. Besides, they still have a chance of spending Christmas Eve at Olde Geistopia, as they have [almost] every year of their lives.

I won’t lie. The notion started because I have been using Expedia for a lo of the rooms this year. I have earned points. One more stay this year and next year I can get better discounts and more points. It may sound ridiculous, but I figure I’ve gotten this close. It only takes one more night and we would like to do more ‘traveling’ next year. It’s hard for me to accept that I am thinking that way when everything around me at the moment is so uncertain. I truly do not know if I can afford even just a room at $400 a month. Of course, I could…if I gave up the time [and expense] with the girls. I mean that’s not all of it. But it is a good contributor.

Ok. I think that brings us up to speed. I have four days of previous journaling. It was just one of those weeks when I thought I should try to capture as much of it as I could along the way. Plus, Thursday was a special day with special writing.

It’s always so hard, at the end of the week, for me to capture everything that happens and shifts throughout the week. For instance, as all of this chaos and uncertainty ensues around me, something started this week. Something I was expecting, but not quite yet.

It all started Monday when I went to the mall. I think it was Monday. Maybe it was Tuesday. See, too much happens in a week to remember certain specifics.

I do remember the mall crawl though. I was very mellow and slow. I was very just chilled out and in tune. It was here when it struck me, and, in hindsight, I suppose I should have realized that it was just a precursor to his arrival.

It was at the mall that I would be struck by the Christmas Spirit. The presence was just overwhelming. In fact, by Saturday evening I was so overwhelmed by it I was inspired to write My Christmas Wish. I shared it on Facebook, and I will share it here at the very end of the post.

And, on Sunday, at Target, the old Imp would whisper in my ear. I received my first task, and this year’s List has begun. It was an interesting moment. I had to wrestle with it. I was asked to spend money and that is not usually the case. Usually, it is something that finds me, and I must pass on or something I must craft. The person it must go to is also very random and slightly awkward. It is all very much out of my usual comfort zone and could bring with it some chaos down the road. But I tell you, I took one look at this thing, the person’s image flashed before my eyes, and The Voice said, “You should get this.”

I walked away from it actually. I had to process it. This was a lot to ask, especially right now. But I get it. I found my rationale and got it. When Cuddlebug asked what I was doing, I explained.

“Well…I am going to make a difference in a person’s life. In the event the person does not want or cannot use this then I am looking at it as an investment in my own future, because I would want this in my home. If nothing changes in the next several weeks, I can always return it. In any of those scenarios, I cannot lose. And it is money well spent.”

So, I think that is everything that I wanted to review.

I am still having some serious back issues I have pain today. Well, discomfort. I haven’t been to work in almost three days, and I am still hurting. There is something not right. Maybe the soak in the tub will help straighten it out some. Still, there is something not right and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t really afford another trip to the doctor. Besides, without a series of testing there is really no way to be sure what the problem is, and, without insurance, the doctor won’t do a series of testing. So, I’m left kind of holding the bag.

The biggest concern for me is how it affects and is affected by The Job. My days hurt and it doesn’t help the back get any better. But I also don’t know how to apply for another job because every job is going to require my back and I can’t, in good confidence, promise it right now.

I want and need better in my life. I don’t mind The Job, but it is not enough for me. It isn’t enough money, and it doesn’t leave my soul feeling satisfied. So, I don’t mind keeping The Job for as long as I can make myself go in. But I am certain I cannot give them more hours, which means no promotion. However, it will leave me three days a week to put the rest of my life together. I would love to get back into the retail merchandising. I miss the work. I miss the days. I would also like to do more of the Tarot and Reiki work. I would love if my life found me someplace where I could craft once more. I miss my workshop. I miss the crafting, but I also miss the ability to just solve a problem – fix something, adjust something, build something that is needed. But I will also continue to look for something that may suit me. [I just don’t know what Spirit wants from me right now.]

I want a home. It’s not even a want. It’s a need. I can’t keep going on like this. I swear it is a large part of the back problem. I’m not settled. I’m not rested. I’m not productive. I need to be able to function. I need a home in which I can take care of all of my business. I need to be wholly myself and fully productive. This can only happen in a home, preferably a house. I don’t care if it’s rented, but it is what I need. [Yet how do I afford such a thing?]

I deserve a home. I keep a good home and I have a great appreciation for the chores and responsibilities that go with having a home. I enjoy doing the work. It is all very Zen for me. I like taking out the trash and cooking meals and even cleaning up from those meals. I enjoy cleaning and tidying and doing laundry. They make me feel whole.

Take Care of the Shop and the Shop Will Take Care of You.

My daughters deserve a home with me – a place they can come to, when they want or need, and just experience themselves…or even life. They have determined that there is life with the families – their mom’s and mine. Then there is life with me. Two very different experiences and realities. They deserve more of that. It can only serve to make them better, stronger, more independent and creative/resourceful young women.

I feel like I need or want so much right now. And, like I said, life itself just keeps ticking on as if nothing is happening. I do not know what Spirit has in mind at the moment, but I remain steadfast in faith and continue to believe that it is right, and that I can survive it – whatever it is. Now…on to the previous writings.

Monday Morning

Monday, November 23, 2020

11:36 AM

I am having a strange day. I worked at the post last night, until very early this morning. The last time I looked at the clock it was 0111.

I was awake at 0415. I did manage to put myself back to sleep. And woke again around 0700.

I discovered that I needed to make some adjustments to the post and set to it. I was distracted, scattered.

I am so terribly scared and lost at the moment.

The future looks so grim - the exact opposite of what I had set my sights on and thought I was striving towards. It looks grim and it is looming closer and faster.

I have the girls this weekend overnight and I can’t imagine what I am going to tell them about our future, or lack thereof.

The future looks grim and yet my hopes seem to remain high. The time is short, but possibility is eternal.

I have my ups and my downs.

I have moments of complete peace, when I feel settled and in tune. Moments when it is easy to believe that I will find something, and life will be ok.

The. I have other moments, so much darker. I worry that I will never find anything. I worry that I am going to lose everything…and once again find myself starting over with nothing to build on except regret and empty dreams.

I cry.

I’m crying now and I don’t know why.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I don’t know why I can’t just have some sort of a normal existence…

…and if not normal, at least better than this.

I begin to wonder if maybe my family isn’t right to some degree. Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe I am pathetic and crazy.

Maybe I’m really not worthy.

Maybe people really don’t like me…maybe they just pity the pathetic fool.

Maybe I am just an asshole…some sort of monster.

If this is all true, the. I am truly lost. I wouldn’t know how to change it now and time is running out.

But then I get torn. I know I am certainly no saint. But I think I am an ok person. I think I deserve at least a slightly better life than what I have been knowing.

And, if not me, then my daughters deserve better.

I implore the universe, if not for me, then please, for them, give me something better.

I chuckle a bit. I just recently thought to myself that I would rather lose everything than take the promotion at The Job. Is the universe trying to make a point? Not that it matters, a promotion in a few weeks isn’t going to fix my problem now. The problem right this moment is not money. I have funds, they are limited and do not allow me much, but I can’t even find a place right now.

I am getting restless. I can’t dwell in the negative. I can’t dwell in thought at all. It’s starting to hurt my head.

Maybe there will be more later.

Later in the Day

Monday, November 23, 2020

4:12 PM

I haven’t done a whole lot today.

After I finished writing I chilled out for a bit, grabbed lunch, and the. Headed to The Putter’s [by way of the beer store.] I was due a case. It’s been awhile. I was going to do it next week for his birthday, but I honestly don’t know what next week looks like yet. [I honestly sense big changes. I’m not sure I work next week. Not at The Job anyway. Just a vibe.] Besides, I had both the opportunity and the finances today. I figured I’d cross one more thing off my list.

So, I went over, and Lord Rayden was there. They were tinkering around with some thing or another, as is usual. We hang out for a bit and it seemed good.

I’ll be honest, I don’t always feel welcome there. It could be that there has been some tension over the years, most recently with The Warden. [And by recent, I’m talking about last Christmas when I had my little break.]

Maybe they don’t really like me or want me around. I already know they’re too nice to say anything if that is how they feel. My family always said, “they know who[how] you really are.”

Or maybe it is just that I really do feel awkward and out of place…everywhere. I am really struggling lately with feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. Which is easy to believe when you have nowhere to be.

I’ve been struggling through depressed and down feelings today. It ebbs and flows. At times I feel defeated and hopeless and just want to cry. Some those times I wish that I had just died all those years ago. It would have made everything so much simpler. I lived because I believed I had things to do. At least, that’s what I was saying as I came back. Yet here we are two decades later and I have done nothing.

I think about my life and there are lots of good stories. I have definitely seen and done a lot but nothing that has kept me fed or sheltered.

I just don’t understand.

Follow what calls you.

Do what comes naturally.

The path of least resistance.

I’ve tried all of this and still I just can’t ever seem able to be me - wholly and completely. Will I ever find a life in which all of me can shine?

Or maybe there is no shine at all.

Anyway, I am sitting in the lot at the laundromat. When I am finished, I think I may go up to the mall. I had thought about going to the gym, but I can do that tomorrow before work. Better timing anyway.

I could use a nice mall crawl. I have walked the mall quickly the last two times I was there [in pursuit of a different line of work.] And, when I went with the girls, I was on their pace and schedule.

The problem with a mall crawl is that I’ll spend money. I know this. If nothing else I want another of those chair massages. Or, if a place is open and the price is right, I may go for an actual massage.

I’m feeling tenderness in my back. It’s a good kind though. It feels like a healing tenderness.

So, that is what I will do. The. Stop for gas and propane and head back to camp.

Before I forget, I did make some calls today about housing. 3, in fact. One was an apartment and was way too far out of my current price range. One was the first hotel I mentioned months ago. Reviewed online are not great - bedbugs and roaches. But that’s better than nothing I suppose. Left a message. Other reviews said they couldn’t get in touch with the landlord so I’m not really expecting a call back. The third was a random place. They may or may not have a room available, but the woman on the phone didn’t know and said someone would contact me if there was.

So, I’m still trying - following every lead as I can- and I am still coming up short.

So, the mall and errands tonight. The. I am supposed to work tomorrow. I say supposed to because I really don’t know if I’m going to make it or if I am even going to care enough to try. Probably, because it’s just who I am. But we will see.

Then another later shift on Wednesday which includes a manager’s meeting. We will see how this goes as well for it could determine a lot.

Thursday is thanksgiving and once again I will be alone. I figure I will make use of the time to get the tent packed up some more and my e hit the stores for miscellaneous things for the weekend. [the only thing I really can’t get yet is the ice cream.]

A mid shift on Friday and then an earlier (but still mid) shift on Saturday. Then I’m getting the girls and I am going to see about them maybe staying with me through Monday morning (if I am off.)

I really don’t know what will happen with The Job next week. If things don’t change and I still have no place to go at the end of the week, I may just leave the job and enjoy my last few days I. A house while there is one.

Well…time to go fold laundry.

And, that night

Monday, November 23, 2020

10:06 PM

I don’t know how long until I just pass out. I wish I wasn’t this tired. I have to close tomorrow and if I sleep now, I’ll be up way too early for my own good.

The mall crawl was a success. I wondered the mall in a figure 8…two of them in fact. Upstairs and down. I just wondered from Store to store - going in any that caught my eye and didn’t make me ‘sign in’.

I moved slowly. Very slowly. The Princesses tell me all the time that I walk too slow. They have no idea just how slow I can walk. Nooooo idea. If they had been with my tonight they would have gone out of their gourds. I mean, I moved so slow that even I made note of it.

Tuesday Morning

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

8:03 AM

I passed out last night before I could finish my story.

So, anyway, I moved along the mall very slowly. I took the time to look all around me - up, down, left, right. I wanted to see, and hear, and experience. I wanted to be one with the moment. A Quest, if you will.

As I drifted in and out of stores and down this path or that, my mind whirled. It's just who I am. I think about something all the time. This is why I strive to find moments with no thoughts at all - soaking in tubs, the massage chairs, a walk or a drive. It is a form of meditation really.

Nonetheless, as I made my way around, I thought a lot about a future life. I've done this much in my life - dream and imagine what it might be like to live a life similar to so many. To have the ability to go to a restaurant or go to the mall and actually shop for what I need or want, to have a home of my own to return to.

Here's the thing, so often as my mind wondered, The Voice would kick in, "Tomorrow."

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. I heard the word so often I really couldn't take it anymore. I get it. There's something about today. I can't imagine what. But when I questioned it then, the response was, "Just wait and see," or, "You have no idea."

It's true. I have no clue. I cannot imagine what of any significance could happen today.

It is still early enough in the morning that anything could shift, I suppose. I have some laundry to put away and organize, and some other bits and pieces as well. I work at 1400 and would like to at least get a shower in at the gym before then. Other than that, I just have a few things I could piddle away at - an application, a couple of independent app jobs. We will see how things unfold.

It is very cold. My hands are cold. It could be a long morning.

I still am having trouble 'seeing' with work. I realize I don't want to be there and that makes things difficult. But I do push past it. It is what I have, and I need it or something to replace it. I can't have nothing. Not if I want to keep trying to move forward.

But I can't really 'see' this week. I believe it happens, but maybe it doesn't. And, I say this because I really cannot 'see' next week. I wonder, though, if that is not something else. It's not so much that I can't 'see' next week at work. It's more that I 'see' me at The Mudder's. This in totally possible. It is completely possible that I will have off Monday through Wednesday and I will find myself at The House as a base. This would have nothing to do with work itself.

Still, as always, even with everything on the table at the moment - Only Time Will Tell.

Lying in Wait…

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

10:44 AM

So, I have had a fairly productive morning. I tidied up the tent, put laundry away, took stock of what needs to get packed up, and how, moving forward.

I updated some receipts and financial stuff in Quicken.

Now I am just waiting. I work at 2, but I would like to go to the gym first and shower. I am planning on leaving at around 11. This is a bit early for me. I am also wondering if this is the time I am ‘waiting for.’

Something is definitely going in today. I can feel it. I am anxious, but in an excited way. I do not feel fear or nervousness. Still, the anxiousness builds and does have an effect on the body. My heart is racing a bit and I am a lil shaky.

I feel liberated and free and at peace today. Odd, considering the current realities facing me.

I am gearing towards work, but I’m not really sure I get there.

Things I want to comment on before time drifts by and it is too late.

1 - I’ve been commenting that I need about another three weeks. I looked at the calendar and discovered interesting things. First, that three weeks would take me to the 3-month market. I totally forgot there was a 3-day, 3 week, 3 month Cycle in play. It would also take me to the Day Before the last date I was given - Dec. 21st. This means it is also the Day Before Yule begins.

All very interesting and so very Precise & Perfectly Placed.

Maybe today is the day I get official word about The Fox. It’s not really where I want to be, but it is better than nothing…and nothing else has come forth.

Maybe today is the day I just accept my fate at The Job for now. All of my current efforts to make something else happen have come up dry. [even the ones I was certain I could guarantee.] I still don’t know if I can take the promotion and give them 10 more hours a week. [I would really need to find more of my soul first.]

Maybe today is the day I get the call from The Parent Company. The pay overall is less but the hours and the work are so much easier. I could make up that difference and be no worse off than I am at the moment.

Maybe today is the day that I finally make peace with the fact that I really have no family, except The Princesses, and that it is what it is for whatever reason it is and I must bless it and move on.

Maybe today is the day…

(…life changes.)

And while we wait…

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

12:41 PM

Just finished at the gym and have some time to kill.

So far, nothing ‘spectacular’ has happened. Certainly nothing that will keep me from going to The Job. Though, I wish there was. So many parts of me are just over it. [it’s that darn income that keeps me going back…but it just isn’t enough.]

It was a good time at the gym. I relaxed and meditated and purged. I’m really not sure what is going on, but something is. I haven’t felt like this in quite some time.

(Raven/crow)

Which-ing Hour

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

11:59 PM

Which Witch wishes to twitch?

So, nothing absolutely amazing happened today? What did happen today?

After I finished writing earlier…

Awake on Wednesday

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

8:00 AM

So, I couldn't quite finish last night.

Anyway, I finished writing and still had plenty of time to kill before work. I decided to just hang out in the gym parking lot. I also decided to scratch off the lottery ticket I had just bought. I know, I know. Spending money on the lottery at the moment seems a very sill thing. And it probably is. However, it is more than just a game.

I commented previously that I have come to see it all as a Lesson in listening. It's not really about the money. It's about learning to listen - to The Voice as well as my own inner feelings. Last week, I had that moment when I was distracted by a different machine then the one to which I was led. I stayed true to the vision and won $50.

Two days ago, I felt prompted to play again. This time, to play the very ticket that distracted me the last time. Only, when I arrived at the location, all of those tickets were sold out. Not just some…ALL. I thought I should just walk away. I was in no hurry. But I decided to play anyway. I was already going to spend the money. So, I figured, I would do something fun and buy one of each price range to match what I was going to spend.

Including number games, all-in-all I spent $25. But I had a $4 winner that paid for those. So, I spent $21 and won…nothing. I shrugged and thought, "That's what I get for not listening."

This morning, I stopped for smokes on the way to the gym. Funny, I know. And, I shouldn't be smoking, but once again, the randomness of my habit led to something interesting. In front of me, a gentleman was buying a scratch off ticket. The clerk pulled the wrong one. Now, I know from working in a convenience store that clerks become accountable for things like that if they can't sell them. A ticket pulled off is as good as a ticket sold. I thought about buying it, then I thought about how I had just blown $21 the day before. Still, the man's words stuck with me.

After he got the correct ticket he was leaving and turned back to the clerk and said, "That's probably the winner." So, I decided to buy it. Now, I thought it was like a $3 or $5 ticket. It was a $10. I bought it anyway.

When I scratched it, I won $30? I was suddenly only $1 shy. I wasn't ahead, but I wasn't at a loss either. I felt a slight wave of relief sweep over me. I thought to myself, "Everything is going to be ok. There is hope."

With that, I looked up and caught a hawk landing on a sign not too far from me. And that's exactly how I took that…as a sign.

I headed off to work. It was as it always is. I walked into a shit show, spent my first hour just trying to catch up with the disaster, then got some stuff done, then ran because once again we found ourselves 2-3 people short for dinner.

I listened to people talk about other people - "Oh I can do all of this so much better and faster. I do my job."

I listened to people as they stood around chatting about everything except the work at hand.

I watched a newly promoted shift lead text on her phone and stand with her arms crossed whenever she had a 'spare' moment.

The thing is I can't say anything. I can't do anything. Not without a problem. And I can't do any more problems or attitudes or fights. I will be completely done.

I do not like The Job at this point. I left last night, praying…begging for something better. I have to deserve better than this. I have to deserve better than homelessness.

That came last night. One of the workers seems to know of a Mission in Bethlehem that I will be able to leave to go to work. I sent the email. Now I just need the information. Still not where I would like to see myself end up, but certainly better than nothing. The biggest problem here is that when they close during the day, Unless I am at work, then I have no place to be and that could get cold and/or pricey on the gas.

Nonetheless, this is where the day finds me.

I have to get ready for work and make a stop along the way. I work 12-10. There is a manager's meeting at 2. This could possibly get tense. Then for dinner I am working with the two managers who dislike me the most. This could definitely get tense.

We'll see. My Goal is to make it through. Just make it through and then I have tomorrow. Then I have two more days to face. Then it is three days off. (Told you I saw myself at The Mudder’s more than work.) Or, at least, that's how the schedule looks right now. It could change. It could change any time before Saturday afternoon.

Tic, toc every moment.

Thanks-Giving

Thursday, November 26, 2020

5:46 AM

I wanted to write when I got home from work last night, but I was just fried. The day was pretty much what I anticipated. In fact, I left early - because it was pretty much what I anticipated. Again, it took about two hours before I shook it all off, felt grounded and more like me. That's just too long. In fact, by the time I got there last night, it was time for bed.

I don't want to drone on too much about The Job. It is what it is, and I don't see me in much of a position to do anything about it at the moment. The other managers don't really care for me too much. The morning manager doesn't dislike me, but I get on her nerves when I start doing my job. She doesn't really care for The Job either, and has no problem letting it be known she can't really bother with it. But she likes her hours and that is why she stays.

The Assistant may or may not like me. She's a hard read. She has a tough exterior but, I think she is soft inside. We've had problems from time to time but nothing that has ever come to a head. It's usually just frustrations during a shift…and that happens. However, she was there the day I walked out. I believe events of that day were incorrectly conveyed. Still, even without the confusion, I know she is upset that I walked out [and that I had my no-call no -show at The Getaway,] and I still have a job. That's fair. I get that. But, at the same time, there are reasons for it all. I didn't get in trouble for The Getaway, because just earlier that week, I had a complete breakdown in front of the GM. So, he knew I wasn't doing well. And I explained myself for the walk-out. Handled wrong, feelings are right.

Then there is The Kid. He's been at this job for a while. I believe I heard he tried a thing or two along the way but finds himself back here. He was promoted to Shift Lead from crew. He is young…like 23. [If that.] I think I've explained that he developed a problem with me when I was communicating things the GM would say to me in the morning to him and the crew at night. He said, "I feel like you think I don't know how to do my job." I told him then that the exact opposite was true. I think he has the makings of a great manager. But I also think he needs to focus more on the job and less on being friends with the crew. [I didn't tell him this last part.] So, he got mad at me and stopped speaking to me. [This was a few months ago.] We don't work together often so it hasn't been too much of a problem. But lately, we have been, and it gets tense.

When he got mad, he took with him the other two Shift Leads. They are both new promotions and the one isn't even official yet. They both started as closers. Full of attitude. They were also there the day of The Walk-Out and part of my problem. They don't stay focused on the work. There is a lot of phones and chatting and everything else. It frustrates me, because I am always trying to keep busy. There is always so much that can be done.

Nonetheless, I worked with all four of them last night [including The Assistant.] Once again, lots of standing around and socializing and being on phones. I can't stand to be around that. Certainly not when I've been there all day and have been on the go the whole time.

I just don't know where I stand on it all. I do not hate the work. But I detest having to go in there. I still have over 24 hours until I have to go in again, and already I do not want to. Yet, try as I might, I cannot get something else to budge quite yet.

So, yesterday was a Day Before and I felt it. I felt it in the air. I felt something in the air. So did Queen Spooky. She even commented on Facebook about it.

So, today is Thanksgiving here in the ol' U.S. of A. Of course, it cannot go untarnished. We were raised being told it was a holiday because of the Pilgrims and Native Americans - dinners and treaties and what-nots. Of course, this is not what happened. So, today, some people actually get offended by the holiday. I get that. I do. The source of it is kind of sucky. But the ide of it is still a good one. A whole day dedicated to Thanks-Giving. A whole day of finding reasons to be grateful and appreciating all of the real blessings in our lives.

How can that be a bad thing?

Historically, I spend Holi-Days alone, unless I have The Princesses. In my youth, I did family things, because that is just what is done. As I got older and could make different choices, I drifted from all of the family activity. It was never really my thing. No one really talked to me. Certainly not about my life or anything personal. So, I drifted, and I came to appreciate the quiet and solitude and stillness of The Holi-Days.

There is always a shift in energy on the Holi-Days. One can almost feel the stillness and quiet in the air. It's funny, too, because the day is filled with people hustling and bustling, but there is always such a stillness about the day.

So, I will once again spend the day alone. I had plans to be with The Princesses, but with the change in house-sitting plans, that has been put off. We will have our Holi-Day this weekend, and it will actually be better. Whereas I would have just had today, some hours in between the morning and night, I now have two nights and up to two full days with them.

I think I need to go and start my day.

I will be back.

0816

The first round of stuff is ready to go. I imagine I will get myself together and head out soon. I want to go to the gym and the store today. They both close earlier in the day. Truth is, other than saving a dollar or so, I don't even really need to go to the store. Other than that, it is just a lot of chilling out, packing up another round, straightening stuff at The Cave.

I have that feeling again today. That feeling that something is waiting around the corner. That feeling like it might find me today. I doubt it, because it hasn't found me yet - despite all the times I’ve had the feeling before. But I will take it as a sign that it is getting closer.

I feel charged and energized and at peace. As usual, I can't imagine why.

As I pack up the tent, I feel bittersweet. I am going to miss it. It has been a quaint little home for me, and I can't say I ever hated it. It has been cozy and comfortable. But something else is out there waiting. I do not yet know what.

There is a different mission in Bethlehem. I could go there if I must. Not ideal, but workable at least for a time.

There is a room at the fox, allegedly - if I can make contact.

Someone mentioned another place with possible rooms, which would be the most ideal out of all three. Again, I just need to make contact.

Of course, there is still a whole week to go.

I'm still not sure about The Job. It does get harder and harder to go in there every day. And it seems to get harder and harder on my body.

Well, it is a cold and rainy day. But I like it. And…it is time to do some things.

Be back again.

1445

It has been quite the day. A good day. Dare I say, am interesting day?

So, I got some things packed and loaded up at the tent.

I hit the gym for my 60 Minutes in Heaven. I am really coming to enjoy and appreciate this experience in my life. It has become Zen-ful. I think even if I find a place with a shower, I will continue this routine.

From there I headed to The Corner Station for my fill of coffee and to cash my winning ticket. I also decided on a pre-packaged Turkey sandwich. I decided that at least then I had some Turkey.

Observation - I Am Very Tradition-al.

I like traditions. I’ve always wanted to start some and have some, but I never really realized how many I already have, especially at the holidays.

For instance, I’ve already talked about our tradition of watching Nightmare Before Christmas. Well, this morning at the gym, while I was on the treadmill, I watched a bit of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I didn’t see much of it, and I hear none of it, but at least I touched it for just a moment.

As I said, I had Turkey, the traditional meat of the day.

I want more. I want so many more. I just need a place to live them. A way to do them. [Let us see what the next year brings.] For example - if I had a place of my own, I would open the doors on Thanksgiving Day [every holiday really] to friends and family, and to people like me who may not have someplace to go or people with whom to spend the day. I think it could create some most excellent memories for everyone.

Anyway, I went from there to The Soccer Park for a bit. I had expected it to be completely empty today. It wasn’t. But that’s ok. I hung out for a bit and had some very peaceful yet intense meditation.

The. It was off to Olde Geistopia and The Cave. I did get myself situated. The next week is going to be both interesting and challenging. I still don’t know where I end up when it is finished. But I must still get Camp taken apart and all of my stuff organized and ready for life moving forward. How do you do that when you don’t yet know where you’re going?

Oh…traditions! At noon, I did my devotion and then I listened to Arlo Guthrie’s ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ on 88.5 WXPN out of Philadelphia. They play it every year and I have come to listen to it every year.

What actually made me think of this was that at Olde Geistopia I had stopped, during a playing of the song ‘Hallelujah.’ I stopped, faced the Sun and just zenned out. I became one with the moment, absorbing myself in the presence of the sun and letting it permeate my being. There was meditation and Dreamtime, but I couldn’t tell you what it was. Same thing happened at the gym…and at the park. In fact, the same thing has been happening a lot lately.

There was another moment. I’ve been taking time to appreciate the sky lately. Especially today. It has been beautiful. That after the rain kind of calm and beautiful.

Anyway, I was looking up when I caught sight of a Hawk. He came from the old walnut tree in the back. She circled a bit and then landed in the tree once more. I could hear the crows in the background and thought they would be coming soon. I was surprised I didn’t already see them sir ling the tree. When I looked up, there they were, not circling, but landing in the tree. Hawks and crows don’t like each other, and I am so fascinated by the games of challenge they play. I’ve seen a hawk sit atop a tall building and not even flinch as about 5 Crown took their turns diving at it and taunting it. This was the same. Only this time they came and sat there ominously.

Then I caught the shadow from the sky. What was that? There was another hawk. He was in the opposite direction of this scene I was witnessing. I’m not really sure what all they were doing but this was fun to watch for a while.

I put earbuds in while I worked and danced/moved - just a little bit, but a little was better than none.

I had thoughts with the hawk vs. crow game. “Don’t let anyone bother you. Stay firm in who you are. Any presumed threat is simply a game/a ruse.

I need to take a break for a bit. My brain can only handle so much writing at one time. There was a purpose to today’s ramblings, and I have yet to get there.

WALT: Yeah, there’s a surprise.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

WALT: Happy Turkey Day, Turkey! Hey, you know the great thing about Thanksgiving?

No. And, I’m afraid to ask.

WALT: It’s the one day of the year you can give people the bird and they’re thankful for it.

Oh, good lord!

(Thanks to Looch for that bit of inspiration.)

Anyway, I will be back. I think I’ve covered all of the miscellaneous things…or not.

Back. Back is still a problem. People at work don’t realize how often I am actually in discomfort. It was part of my problem last night. I was starting to hurt, and I was all but locked up when I got back to Camp.

Big ‘D’. I have to give her credit. She offered to bring me out a plate of food while I was working at The Cave. That was nice if her. Awkward, but nice.

Feelings. Still feels like something big is going to shift. Soon. Very soon.

Later.

2016

Well, it certainly is later.

When I was writing earlier, I was sitting at The Grove. I wanted to comment on it then. It was nice and it was [almost] quiet. There were a lot more people at parks today than I would have expected. I hit all three of my parks today, for at least a moment. There were plenty of people at two of them. [Had a visit by a woodpecker.]

I left The Grove and hit The Mudder's for a key, and last-minute arrangements for house sitting. Then I was off to The Baker's for some Thanksgiving Dinner. She told me that I do not need to rush to get out of the yard. "If," she said, "it helps to go to the end of the year, then do it." So, it was more option listed on the board.

I mentioned earlier that there was an actual point to writing today - To give thanks.

I could, honestly and sincerely, give thanks for everything and everyone in my life. I'm in one of those grateful modes recently. Everything is a blessing - the good and the bad. It's true. I mean, my life is far from perfect, but it is just as far from unbearable. I'm not exactly content, but I can't really complain either.

So, if, in the grand scheme of things, I am OK with where life is then all of life to this point has been Precise & Perfectly Placed and I can be thankful for it. But let's see if I we can get a little bit more specific. [Interestingly, I recently found a writing titled 'What Do I Love' and it is a list of all the things I love. The lists are very similar.]

I am thankful for The Princesses. They lift me up and light my soul. They are, in regard to being a better human, my greatest inspiration. They have taught me much.

I am thankful for my friends - old & new, close and 'in-passing.' I have this incredible support system that never ceases to amaze me and touch my heart and soul. I could have never gotten this far, let alone through these past 21 months, without every single one of them.

I am thankful for the MattMobile. It is a beater piece of shit, and it has given me a fair share of problems. But it does its job and it has served me well. Sometimes, surprisingly so.

I am thankful for The Job. I am not always happy there, but it gives me something to do with my time, I do not hate the work, and it has certainly given me a financial edge that I haven't had in a long time, if ever.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for every failure - for they have taught me that 'failing' is not the end, but instead, the beginning.

I am thankful for all of the challenges I have faced. They have taught me resilience and perseverance. They have forced me, more often than not, to be creative and resourceful - to think outside the box. They have made me into a problem solver and…an optimist.

I am thankful for my parents. Our relationship has been rocky, to say the least. We function best in dysfunction. Still, in my life they have done more for me than I could truly repay - especially financially. But, they have, for better or worse, helped forge me into the person that I am today. I may not be perfect, but I think I'm pretty darned OK.

Fried, eh?

Friday, November 27, 2020

7:20 AM

I feel funky this morning. Not bad…just funky. But then, it is a Day After.

I have 2 mor shifts to make it through before my lil break. I feel like it is in this next week that things will start to straighten themselves out. Of course, I am in no 'hurry' to leave Camp now either. But we will see. As of Sunday, there are 3 more weeks left until the dates given. There is plenty on the table at the moment.

The Fox, if needed…I can stay at Camp as needed, one other place to call and check out. Two actually. [Neff's.]

Still working different job angles. See how that develops. I really am torn over The Job. Like I said, I can see myself there, but I don't know that I can do another 10 hours a week there and I don't know how long I can stay working in the environment I currently am. So, I see myself there…I just don't know how long. Longer than I'd like I suppose. One more year? [Ugh.] I'll keep looking for something else.

I know I am getting ready for work. I know I am heading in, but like every other day, I don't know that I make it there.

Still having some back discomfort. See how it all goes. I don't really have a whole lot to say this morning. Maybe more tonight?

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now, and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Raven - Magic, Shapeshifting, and Creation.

Bird of birth and death; mysticism and magic. Messenger of the great spiritual realm. Bring forth life and order. Can help you shape shift your life or your being. Knowledge of how to become other ‘animals’ and how to understand their language. Teach how to stir the magic of life without fear. Strong creative life force. Can be used to enter The Void and stir energies to manifest what you most need. Expect Magic. Somewhere in your life, magic is at play. Activates the energy of magic, linking it with your will and your intentions. Teaches how to take that which is unformed and give it the form you desire.

Crow - The Secret Magic of Creation is Calling

Magic and creation are potentials very much alive during the day. Alchemy. Represents “ingredients,” the initial state of substance - unformed but full of potential. A reminder of what an happen if we are not looking for magic and creation every day. Magic and creation are ‘cawing’ out to us every day. Health, home and respect. Working with crows can help you to see how the winds are going to blow into your life and how to adjust your own life flights. Finding a dead crow was a sign of good luck. Wherever crows are there is magic. Symbols of creation and spiritual strength. Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life. They are messengers calling to us about the magic that is alive within our world everyday and available to us.

Rabbit - Fertility and New Life

Often seen as an animal that can lead one unknowingly into the Faerie realm. A symbol for sexuality and fertility. Usually, you will begin to see a cycle of 28 days beginning to manifest in your life. Those with rabbit totems will see movement occur in their life in varying degrees of hops and leaps. It won’t be steady step-by-step movement. The leaps and hops do not usually take more than the cycle of The Moon (28 days) to occur. Plan for possibilities. May indicate the need to do some more planning or review those you have already set in motion. You do not want to box yourself into a corner. Important not to foreshadow your moves. Learning to shift from freezing to great speeds will aid in your success and enables you to take advantage of opportunities that may present themselves for brief moments. May need to examine the kinds of food being consumed. For the greatest health and well-being, a vegetarian diet, even if only temporary, will strengthen and heal. How to recognize the tides of movement within your life. This in turn will enable you to become even more fertile in your life.

Beaver - The Building of Dreams

Breath and its control for the greatest health and effectiveness. Home and family. The opportunity to build upon your dreams. The ancient and mystical Masons. Proper dental hygiene and care will be essential. Poplar and Aspen. Have you been neglecting your most basic dreams? Are your dreams in need of some repair work? Becoming too lost in dreams? Home in need of repair? Act on your dreams to make them a reality.

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill.

Snake – Rebirth, Resurrection, Initiation, and Wisdom

Symbol of transformation and healing. Also alchemy and healing. Sexual/creative life force. Kundalini. Compassion, clairvoyance and charm. Lessons of forgiveness, superstitiousness, and possessiveness. Wisdom and understanding. Birth and death. Transmutation. Are you needing to make changes, but aren’t for some reason? Are you trying to force change too quickly. Are you striking out at people and shouldn’t? Are you not striking and should? What is needing to be healed? What opportunities are surfacing that you need to strike out for and take advantage of?

Woodpecker – The Power of Rhythm and Discrimination

Drumming. New Life Rhythms. Applications of shapeshifting. Are you looking at aspects of your life rationally? Are others around you not discriminating in their activities? Are you or others in your life jumping into situations with little or no analysis? It will become increasingly important for you to follow your own unique rhythms and flight. Do what works for you in the manner best for you. The foundation is there.

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.

Turtle - Motherhood, Longevity, Awakening to Opportunities

Help unite Heaven and Earth within your own life. Fairy connections. ‘Keeper of The Doors.’ Symbol of the Primal Mother. Long life and grounded was within life. Can teach new perceptions about time ad our relationship with it. The mystery of awakening the senses - physically and spiritually. Stimulates hearing/Clairaudience; Help with vision/Clairvoyance; Develop sense of smell and higher discrimination. Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should? Are you or those around you not using discrimination? A reminder to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets tipsy-curvy. Sometimes Turtle shows up as a totem to help during these times. A reminder to pay attention or you will miss opportunities. A symbol of Mother Earth and that she provides all our needs. Turtle can slow us down to help us see our opportunities. Is our life becoming too hectic? Are we not taking time for ourselves? Are we so busy that we can’t really see what is going on? Are we going too slow and need to pick up the pace a little? Also study Raccoon. Vitamin D/Diet. Link between water and land. Water is the creative source that we can draw on and live in, but we must also come out of it and apply that creativity within the physical world - the land. Also hints at needing to think things through before you act on them. It is time to get connected to your own primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recognize that there is abundance out there for you. It doesn’t have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, Too soon, can upset the balance. Reminds us that all we need for all we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time. Reminds us that the way to Heaven is through the Earth.

Walnut – [m.; Sun; Fire] Health, Mental Powers, Infertility, Wishes (from Scott Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs)

The Christmas Wish

We have officially entered what has become affectionately know. As ‘The Holiday Season.’ And, it truly is a season - Hanukkah, Qwanza, Christmas, Yule, New Year’s. I imagine there may be more of which I am unaware.

If you’ve known me for some time - or perhaps have followed the blog - you may know that this is absolutely my favourite time of the year.

No matter what we may believe, or choose not to, there is a special kind of an energy, a magick, a Spirit that fills the air and moves the world.

I have believed in that Spirit for some time (long before it touched me personally.) every year, for as long as I can recall, I have wished for a ‘Christmas Miracle.’ At one point in time it was for World Peace. I have since concluded this is a wasted wish. Even G-d cannot provide what man does not want.

Eventually, I would wish for something smaller, yet, perhaps, just as grand. I would wish for something to touch/move/heal my family.

All these years and I have yet to get ‘my wish.’ Still, I believe in The Spirit (in all its forms) and I believe in the magicks. So, this year I will wish once more, but I wish different.

I wish for you - each and every one of you.

I wish you find your peace, your happiness, your healing, your love, your success and achievement. I wish you find the moment that will touch your soul so deep that you know you will never be the same.

I wish you find your moment - the one that brings you hope and reminds you to believe.