Atone & Attune

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, September 27, 2020. Time...Returning.

Theme – It’s All a Matter of Perspective

Lesson – Choose Better

Observation – Old Habits Die Hard

The Post

This was a beautifully intense week. This is not to say that it was beautiful, or even good in any way. In fact, it hurt quite a bit. It was intense. Overly intense, in fact. But, it was what it needed to be. It was, exactly as it was written it would be. I have survived it. [And, I might even be better for it. Only time can tell.]

It was one of those weeks that lends itself leaving me trying to explain the unexplainable. One of those weeks when the natural rhythms of my life take over and the world looks at me like there is something wrong with me. The kind of week that I am used to but no one else ever seems to experience.

It was a week of Holi-days, and, as Holi-days tend to do, they wreaked havoc on my beings. I was an utter mess, building stronger all the way up until Saturday. Saturday, I had a complete break.

Today begins (this evening at sundown) Yom Kippur. I am very new to Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah and The Days of Atonement in between. Only about three years new. It might be four. They just happened upon me one year. I was feeling strange. The universe was working on me. I decided o look at a calendar and see what was going on. Sure enough it was these days. They meant something to me that year. They aligned perfectly with what I was going through.

Just as they did this year.

I do no find this interesting, nor coincidental. It was as it was supposed to be.

“On Yom Kippur, Spirit will decide who shall ive and who shall die; who shall be blessed and who shall be plagued.”

I heard that [or something much like it] on a radio program on Thursday.

These are deep and intense days. Rosh Hashanah is about The Creation, the start of all things. For, in The Creation, you were born, only The Universe had not recognized you yet. It had not given you form. Still, in that one moment, life was breathed into all existence. This is my takeaway of Rosh Hashanah. Personally, I think it should be the holiest day of the year, for without there would be no other holy days. Without The Creation there would be no holy books or religions or prophets…nor even Messiahs to speak of. Without The Creation, we wouldn’t be here to live and experience and grow. We would never know the true splendor of Spirit. I’m pretty sure it is Rosh Hashanah that G-d tells Moses we should honour each year. It always fascinates me that it is not more widely recognized and ‘celebrated’ by Christian denominations.

Yom Kippur I do not entirely understand. To me, it seems to be about redemption – if you are willing to be redeemed. Again, so far, this is my takeaway – because this has been my experience. This year, more than the others.

Between, and somehow attached to [I told you I’m very new to this] Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are The Days of Atonement. These are the days during which you should face yourself. They are like The Underworld really. You should encounter all aspects of yourself on some level or another. You must face all to know all. Only in knowing all can you release all.

This can, and should be, a very uncomfortable process…and it was.

I was feeling off on Monday, even worse on Tuesday. But, then, Tuesday was The Equinox – Mabon – another Holi-day. I was so off on Tuesday that my that Thing 1 asked me if I was ok when we were at The Seasonal Store. My only response, I think, was, “It’s the Equinox.”

These are the answers that make it difficult for my life to relate to others. I have yet, it seems, to meet another who is so vastly impacted by the movement of days. I would love to say it is all in my head, but sadly it isn’t. The truth is more often than not, Holi-days can sneak up on me, no different than the alignment of the heavenly bodies. I don’t think about them until they are here and activated. And, even if I do happen to see them coming, I can never prepare for what they may be. Sometimes, they are just mellow, easy and relaxed, days. Other times, they are intense spiritual journeys.

Holi-days are days of intense energy and vibration. They are powerful and potent all on their own. But they are also days on which people all over become very focused on that energy, raising its vibration. I am a person who naturally resonates and attunes to the highest vibration in the room.

Nonetheless, I can’t really remember much of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. They were what they were. I put my hours in at The Seasonal Store and took care of life as it happened. I know one of those days included a shower and getting some supplies. It was a day that had shifted and allowed me to get it all in. I miss those days so much. The randomness. The bouncing here and there. I have not had a lot of them in recent months (some, but not a lot.)

Thursday, I would return to The Job, only I was working in another store. I, honestly, can’t stand working in that store. Still, I went in and made the most of it. I didn’t do much actual managing. I learned the last time its best to just go and be a body and get through the night. Sometimes, that is how I feel about The Job in general.

As the week pressed on, I felt much rougher. I was struggling with where things are right now. For all of the effort this year, all of the ‘doing things right,’ here I am, still homeless and living in a tent. I still seem so far away from that possibility. There is an option out there, that I should be able to afford for the long run, if I can just get money together to start. I am in that process now.

But, it is not a great option and it is still far from the ultimate goal, which is to establish a second home for my daughters. Really, that’s all I want. Believe me, its not a glamorous life but I don’t really mind living in the tent. I think, in the last year, I have demonstrated that I can make the most of almost any living situation – from my car to the treehut back to the car, to The Dormitory and then a few weeks of the car and bouncing between house sittings and vacations and finally into the tent.

I have faced them all. I have lived, thrived and survived in all of them. I have worked and taken care of business on the side and still managed to live a life along the way. I may be in a tent, but I am not uncomfortable. It has it’s drawbacks, no doubt. But it is not horrible. I have what I need and I am taken care of. I am blessed.

I can focus on the struggles or I can focus on the blessings. The choice is mine. With the living situation, that is easy. I can count those blessings and I try to be grateful for it. The work situation is another story. I am very much struggling. The Job seems to becoming more detrimental than beneficial. It is hurting me both physically and spiritually.

It is a struggle because I don’t really see a team or a structure. No one really seems focused on the work at hand. People come and they do things but there is no real focus. The focus is always on them first and then the work. I have no problem with being relaxed and sociable but I am there for one reason and one reason only and that is to focus on the work and the only reason I am doing that is because that is what I am paid to do.

I have physically been hurting by the end of my shifts. And, it build through the whole work week. I am trying to work through it and look at it as a whole. The Job has always caused me some pain and discomfort. Previously, my work days and days off were better mixed. One or two on and then one or two off. I also was at The Dormitory and could shower and unwind before and/or after a shift. I also had the option of soaking in a hot tub which I was doing more and more towards the end. I have none of that now. My days are not only back to back but they are fairly progressive in time. I close the first night, work a middle the second day and am in to open on the third. [I actually worked a similar schedule 25 years ago, but they weren’t 10 hour days either.] It makes for an intense three days. There isn’t a lot of rest time in between. Done by 12 or 1230, back in by 10 or 11, leave at 8 or 9, and back in at 5. With travel time and time to get ready in the morning, there isn’t a lot of actual rest. And, when there is, I start to feel unproductive. That’s the only thing about this combination I don’t enjoy. 10 hour days plus living in a tent tends to leave me not being able to actually do a whole lot.

Last week I lost two whole days because of my back and a bout of depression/frustration. That was right at the beginning of Rosh Hashanah. Today, I lost another full day – right at the beginning of Yom Kippur. None were planned, but I felt them coming.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. I was already in discomfort when I got to work at 5 AM. Then, I worked an hour with the GM who complained about a lot of things. I just am not in the mood. He complains about a lot, but seems to do so little about it. Noting productive anyway. I like him. I do. And I have respect for him, but he causes many of his own problems in the store. It is part of my recent frustrations.

But, he rambled on incessantly, eventually talking about Christmas and Thanksgiving. As he talked, the realization swept over me that I am looking at [most likely] another Christmas without The Princesses. I broke. I was sobbing but trying to keep it in. It was funny because he just kept talking as I walked around having a secret breakdown. He was oblivious, never took notice until I couldn’t take it anymore and burst out, leaving the building, “I can’t listen to anymore about Christmas.” I assured him later he did nothing wrong and it wasn’t his fault. I could tell by the look on his face when I returned that he felt bad. He is a caring guy.

But, while outside, I just had such a complete breakdown. I sobbed and sobbed. That continued throughout most of my remaining shift. I would just lose myself from time to time. I’m not happy right now. I am so frustrated and confused.

The Job has been sucking the life out of me. The truth is, I don’t even want to return at this point. But, it is the most secure thing I have. But, maybe letting go of it will make room for something else. I could certainly do it and not be that much worse off. I still have The Seasonal Store until Mid-November which is my time frame for being out of the tent and moving on. There is a chance I can put enough together to afford the room for a month or two. And, if I stay at the job, I could be making more money at that point, but I would also be putting in more hours – another 10 hour shift. I feel stuck. I need better and my only path there seems to be a job that I don’t hate but that is slowly killing me, breaking my spirit and my body. I try to make the most of it each week. In my days off, I try to clear my head and change my perspective. The Job has certainly done a lot for me financially. I mean, I just dropped $200 on a new tent so Sunshine has I for her party and I can use it my last few weeks here. I did this and didn’t tap the little bit of savings I gathered once more after The Princesses Quest. I was going to use that money. But I decided to let it ride and see what happens. That’s a good feeling. I’ve not been able to make that choice ever before in my life. It was always all or nothing. And, while I am doing that I am still making plans for Cuddlebug’s belated birthday present. I have things to do firs and that will cost some money, but I have the money. If I just up and leave The Job, I don’t have that guarantee. Something may come along or it may not.

I feel the same way about my living situation. Something may come along or it may not. I may find something I can afford or may be out of luck. In that scenario I have the Rescue Mission, but that means giving up all income anyway. Do, I try to stick it out, suck it up and deal with it? I mean that seems the reasonable and rational and responsible decision. In the meantime, I can keep searching for something else.

Or, do I pack it in and cut it loose. I may end up the Rescue Mission, but at least my last six weeks of ‘freedom’ would be just that – 6 weeks that I could once again re-experience myself – be Freedom.

I ended up at The Putter’s today. I got up with the intention of going to work, but I sat for a few minutes, half dressed and almost ready to go. When I went to stand I was off balance and it hurt. I decided to not try it. I needed a day that wasn’t going to twist me up. Saturday was just too intense.

After I called off I just sat here. For hours I sat here – breathing and relaxing, trying to release the tension in my back. Eventually, The Professor had texted me. He was on his way to The Putter’s and to look at that property across the street. I told him to let me know when I he arrived, maybe I could swing by. I was in the mood to write and I didn’t really want to move, but I figured if all that changed maybe I could stop in and see them all. The notion didn’t surprise me of put me off. I had actually had the vision last night. I thought about going there today. Then I figured it was Sunday and not a good day for a visit. Yet, here I was, preparing to go over.

It was a perfect visit. At one point the Putter commented that I need to get out of The Job. I agreed and said I have been thinking about it. He responded with, “you just needed confirmation.” I mean, I have been asking for confirmation. Yet, I feel like the answer is right in front of me. A few weeks ago I commented that I wonder if maybe my body is trying to tell me something with the way it hurts when I am at The Job. Later that week, one of the totems had the message…is your body trying to tell you something.

I’ve been concerned about survival after The Seasonal Store if I do leave The Job. The other day I read a sentence somewhere – Risk nothing. It just jumped out at me, in such little print wherever it was. The Job is what popped into my mind when I saw it.

If You have to Ask the Question, You Already Know the Answer

That’s how I feel I ask the question, as if I am waiting for a particular answer. The other day I was driving and I thought about leaving The Job and I felt my whole body sigh relief. I know what I’d like to do. But, I’m scared. I’m scared to not find anything afterwards. I’m scared it will all set me back too far once more. I would say that this then becomes a question of my Faith and Belief. I mean, if it seems the answers are there and clear then I should just do what is laid before me and do it in Faith that it is the right and best thing – no matter how it goes. However, Wisconsin recently mentioned “self-sabotaging” patterns…or behaviors….or something along those lines. She’s not wrong. As I look back on my life, it does seem that when something is good I have a tendency to mess it up.

Yet, even when I don’t…something does. Still, the point is, it becomes part of the pattern, The Cycle. So, I need to be aware of it, cautious.

On top of all of this, during The Atonement – I did face myself. I faced every failure. I faced every moment when I was less than I should have been. I learned that I haven’t always been a good person, but I guess I knew that. At times, it was mere ignorance. At times, pure arrogance.

I also learned that I am a guilt ridden person. I carry guilt for every slight…forever, apparently. I, often, flashback on moments of bad choices and feel an emptiness, or is it a heaviness. [Can there be an empty heaviness?] I think this is good, in as much as it is a gauge for future living. But, I find, also that it weighs me down and holds me in the past. They always say that forgiveness begins with the self.

I’ve learned that I have never really felt comfortable in life. Not at a time I can remember. In school I always felt lost and alone. Truth is, those are probably good words for the whole of my life. No matter where I have been, or who I have been with, I have felt lost and alone. I have felt out of place, like I don’t belong anywhere.

Then, when I found something I understood, something that made sense t me and filled me with...purpose? life? [Some minor degree of understanding?] When I did find it, it made me an outcast. It changed my life…or…made me realize what it always was? But, it also forged a wedge between me and so much of my life that existed – like my family, or friends who have been gone for a long time.

I learned I have a focus problem – but, then, I knew that. I have said that all along. It is what made The Cave so conducive to living. It is what has made ‘days off’ so productive. If I can, I will. The more I can take on in a day, or at one time, the more I tend to get done. However, living in a tent, life dictated a lot by the rising and setting of the sun, I find it is harder to find focus [or time] for certain things.

Speaking of focus, I think I have rambled on enough now.

WALT: I was thinking the same thing.

You know, we almost made it through a whole post without a word from him, folks.

WALT: But, not a whole post. I gotta keep my place on the roster, man.

Anyway, it has been hard to focus on this writing – what with schedules and back pain and weather…and my own struggles in focusing. I think I have touched on all the things we need to know at this time.

It is now Tuesday morning. I will still have some tweaking to do and probably won’t get this posted until tonight or tomorrow. Where do my thoughts leave me for the week?

I work today for 6 hours. It’s The Seasonal Store so it shouldn’t be too bad. It’s supposed to storm pretty good tonight. I fear I have a leak somewhere in the tent. I suppose I will find out tonight. I will also find out just how well it’s going to hold up.

I work tomorrow at the Seasonal Store, and then, as long as the weather holds out, I will go to Sunshine’s last softball game of the season.

My back still hurts. It is very tender. Someone suggested it may be a herniated disc. Perhaps. But something is definitely irritated and agitated. Health wise I have been having other experiences lately that I haven’t rally shared with anyone. Strange headaches that I can’t explain and not really like anything I’ve felt before. They are brief and sporadic. I have also had strange heart palpitations. Something out of rhythm. This I have experienced before, just no as consistent as it has been the past week or so.

I have been frustrated trying to get caught up with some things. I have a reading I need to do. I just haven’t been able to get around to it. I wanted to mow the lawn yesterday morning, but it had rained all night and the grass was very wet. Then, I had to go to work. I was going to do it this morning, and I could have. The rain has stayed itself so far today, but it is coming. However, Andy Pandy did it last night. This is one of those guilt moments. I told them I would do it. First, I waited for him to get the gasoline. Then I had a weird work schedule with a lot of daytime hours. Then it was the wet grass yesterday. And, Andy Pandy ended up doing it. I feel bad. I feel like I failed. [This is a reflection of Old Geistopia.]

I am supposed to work Thurs to Sat at another store for The Job. As of my shift on Saturday, I did not have hours. No one has reached out to me to give me hours. I could see this as an opportunity to just be done. I am thinking about it. However, being me, and always wanting to do the right thing, I will probably reach out to their GM tomorrow and see if I can get the hours. I may not.

One day, one moment at a time.

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So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Raccoon - Dexterity and Disguise

Also study Bear. Diet - vegetables and fruits. Expert at disguise and secrecy. Can teach you how to mask and disguise and transform yourself. Can teach you how to become dexterous in the masks you wear. Can show you how to wear a healing mask or show you the face f what you will become. Holds the knowledge of how to change our faces. Do you need to present a different face to people for greater success? Are you hiding your true self? Are others hiding their true selves? Learning to use masks to put one area of yourself to sleep so that another can be awakened. Will help you develop dexterity in using masks to achieve new and altered states and dimensions. 20 week cycles.

[Appeared as roadkill – reversed meaning perhaps? Cautionary?]

Jesus – ‘Nough said.

[I just find it interesting that it is the Sons of Gods who like to visit me.]