Could Be Who Knows

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Yeah, it’s true.

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, August 3, 2020. Time...Enlightening

Theme – The Letter ‘G’

Lesson – Timing is Everything

Observation – It’s Never as Bad as It Looks

The Post

1807

What a day.

Work was rough, but then, when isn’t it. It’s weird. We were under in sales, but I didn’t stop running and doing. There’s just so much about The Job that is irritating me. For instance, going in everyday and working the way I do. I am not opposed, in the slightest, to a good hard day’s work. I have come to appreciate it in so many ways. But, this goes beyond that and it is all the time. It hurts. It wears me out. I recover. [I always recover.] But, it does take its toll.

There is the shift lead who is having a problem with me. Like I said, I do not know what, exactly, his problem is currently. We had an issue a few weeks ago. The cycle goes like this – On Saturday morning the GM rants and raves to me – telling me what should and shouldn’t be going on. I then carry that information forth into my work week, communicating what needs to be communicated to whomever needs to know it. One of our biggest issues in the restaurant is the close and this is unfortunate because the close is probably the most important part of the operating day. This manager is primarily a closer. So, when we had our issue and talked he told me he feels like I treat him/act like he doesn’t know how to do his job. I told him that the exact opposite is true. I told him that I have told the GM on more than one occasion that I think this guy has the potential to be a great manager. He is great with the crew and with the guests. He can talk with them, relate, engage and connect. It’s really quite interesting to watch. However, this is the same manager who comes to work 2 minutes late every shift. He watches videos on his phone, sometimes with employees. And, his closes tend to be poor – without any reason.

For example, last night’s close was terrible. The floor wasn’t done right, in the kitchen or the dining room. Doors and glass weren’t cleaned. The shake machine wasn’t taken apart. And, on and on, and on the list goes. We have this book in which we check/grade the closing shift. He got an F. I know he looked at the book before I left. He didn’t say anything to me about it. Actually, I very purposefully put the book out where he could see it, I let him see me put it out. I figured if he looked at it before I left he would have the opportunity to address his concerns with, instead of writing notes in the book as he did the last time he got an F. That time amuses me because I very purposefully had the assistant manger fill out the book and grade the close because I knew he would have a problem with me if I did it. He still had a problem with me. Despite the fact that she initialed everything, he still assumed I had given him the F. But, there is no talking to him or bringing him around…and the GM does very little to help this.

Therein lies my final frustration. The GM has been doing this a very long time – not just this franchise but others, and other companies. He can talk a really good game. Unfortunately, that seems to be the most of what he does. He is very emphatic about what ‘should’ be happening but he does nothing to enforce it, or instill discipline in the crew. They do what they want, when they want, how they want. It seems there is nothing the management team can do about it because he doesn’t really back us up when the time comes.

So it gets all frustrating.

I just want to go to work and do my job to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, in this case, doing my job right means making sure everyone else is doing their job right.

I finally heard from Big ‘D’ about parking arrangements for Wednesday and Thursday. It took her 30 hours to respond. But, it wasn’t the simple yes or no that was needed. Instead it was – you can stay here those nights but this cannot become a regular thing.

I wasn’t planning on it…but nice of you to jump so far ahead in the future.

This is one of the reasons that Big ‘D’ and I struggle to get along. It’s on my end. I can’t stand the over-reacting, the getting ahead of ourselves. It’s aggravating. Like, let’s just stay where we are and deal with the moment. But, it’s not just that. She was so quick to be dismissive. Here I am, her only son, in [once again] a bit of a jam. I didn’t ask for anything much. I asked to park in the driveway, and honestly, the only reason I did was it was either that or ask the Putter to park in his. It’s practically the same place. So, I thought I would ask them first. And, really, the only reason I asked Big ‘D’ is because I don’t currently have access to Craze. I wasn’t asking for access to the house, or even to stay in the cave. I just need someplace to park my car for two nights. These are some of the reasons we do not have a relationship.

Nonetheless, I currently have all but 3[4] nights figured out and I have time to do that. Almost two weeks, in fact. [like 10-11 days.] 3 nights are definitely up in the air and the fourth night I am going to try to stay at The Putters’ [driveway] because the girls want to stay at Old Geistopia that night and the next morning we leave for our Quest. Then I have two more nights in comfort. After that, it is anyone’s guess what comes next. So, all in all, I have 17 days [interesting number] until things really get real. I am not concerned about much before that – not even the three mystery nights. I’ll figure something out until that time. My biggest issue in this is that I fear overnight parking rules have gotten more stringent. I have seen new signs places, and more patrols. Plus, The -Vid, has put everyone into panic mode over everything it seems.

Only time will tell.

I had a rather sad moment in relation to The Princesses today. One was when I saw a post from our friends and the youngest daughter had just finished a dance recital – from the same school the girls attend. Yet, I hadn’t heard anything about it. The reason, it seems, I didn’t hear anything about it was because they did not participate. With The -Vid, remaining classes were given through Zoom and were a requirement for the recital. They couldn’t do the Zoom classes because they didn’t have anywhere to do them. This broke my heart a little. They love dance so much. Both of them. And, here again, I wish I could give them a place where they could truly experience and express themselves. But, I can’t. Not right now anyway, and who knows if I will ever be able to. That window of opportunity is closing fast.

This all led to me thinking about how much of their lives I have missed. Even before The Incident. I mean, three weekends and a few hours a week for dinner each month do not much of a life make. I can remember when they were younger, they would come one weekend and not be able to tie their shoes and then the next they could. And, I missed it. I missed the moment, the day it happened. I didn’t get a call, but why would I? It’s not a huge milestone, I suppose. But, I missed it.

Of course, over the past year and a half I have missed even more. This got me to thinking about how I feel so disconnected. I don’t really ever see them and they don’t really reach out to me. At one time, they both called, texted, video chatted almost everyday. Sometimes more than once a day. Now, I barely hear from them, even if I reach out to them first. This also breaks my heart a bit.

This was all brought about by Cuddlebug asking me today if she could get her bellybutton pierced. I laughed and said, “Have you met me? Of course it’s ok.” She was excited. I thought to myself, we have a day coming up. We’re going to be down near the mall. Maybe I can take her and do it for her for her birthday. [I wasn’t happy with the $7 box she had me buy and called it a present.] But, it was going to be her birthday present from her mother.

I felt deflated. I thought I had a moment – something I could do, something I could share in. And, just as quick as I had the thought it was snatched away and I was left with nothing once more.

This got me thinking deeper. All this time, in particularly the last year, I have been pushing and fighting for a better life with my daughters. This is what I have wanted. It is what I have wanted to give them. Yet, I can’t seem to get there…and they don’t seem to care anymore. So, I have to wonder if I’m fighting the right fight. Maybe it is time to give up that dream and just let them go.

I mean, why not? I can’t seem to get life right anyway. Whatever it is I was intended to do I obviously cannot, because I have yet to do it. Long before The Princesses came along what I was pursuing was my place in The World. I still am. I just want to do my thing and live. I have had attachments as to what this means – how it is defined. I have had the same attachments as others, I believe – job/career, family, friends, home, etc. But, maybe that just isn’t my place. After all, every time I feel I am making progress and I have something that I can build upon and move forward, something goes awry. The Cave-In completely destroyed a good streak of crafting and Retail Merchandising. Prison brought a halt to the progress I hade made with JustUs Productions and also put a hurting on my retail merchandising. Both of which were showing great promise.

And, The Incident took it all.

No one can say that I haven’t been trying. I have. I’ve tried every combination that I can think of. I have worked regular full time jobs, like I am now. I have had two jobs. I have had several part time jobs. I have tried just doing it all on my own. I have tried doing my own thing in conjunction with jobs. I realize that everything has its own give and take, but I have yet to succeed. I have made progress with each different scenario. But, always, in the end I find disaster and chaos.

So, just what is it that Spirit wants from me? What is it I am supposed to do that I haven’t even imagined yet?

I found today to be slightly Quest-like. I had the groove. I didn’t recognize it at first. I just new I had a jolt of Spirit. It wasn’t until the wolf looked me in the eyes that I realized what was happening. And, why wouldn’t it – The Day After Lammas and The Day Before the Sturgeon Moon. All right in the midst of the Lion’s Gate. Why wouldn’t today be a Quest? Shortly after the wolf, eagle would make an appearance and my suspicions would be confirmed. There were other messages along the way. One in particular sticks out. It was on a front plate on a vehicle. My problem…I can’t remember what it was. I can remember seeing it. I can remember acknowledging it as a message and as further confirmation that The Quest was on. But, I cannot actually remember what it was.

Here is what I know – I must simply take from now until sundown on the 19th as it comes. I must just do my best to get through each day, each moment, each experience as best I can. I need to try to remain strong and diligent in my efforts. There is a lot on my plate at once, especially with the sudden move, and there are a lot of obstacles. Yet, there is also a lot working in my favor. For instance, it would seem I am off on Saturday. This is an unexpected surprise and it makes my life so much easier. I do not start house sitting until late in the day on Friday. I had planned for earlier because that was the case in the past. So, I was finding that by the time I got to house sitting I would have a lot of stuff to still take care of that night and I would have to be up early and work all day. Now, I do not. I still have all of that stuff to do but things can be stretched out into Saturday.

I open Sunday and will work on Monday. Then, I have three more days off to spend with The Princesses and do our dinner with Craze. I figure I can use all of this available [and relaxed] time to really get myself organized and ready for living out of the car for a while.

If I haven’t made note of it before [outside of the recent video] there was a message of 08/11. Interesting, ena? I also had another flash this morning. It was at the strangest time. I was changing the soda bag in the back. Then there it was, a moment I have seen before.

In regards to my future living situation – I just don’t know. I have absolutely no clue. There have been any number of thoughts.

Obviously, it would be great if I could find an apartment, or small home, to rent. But, that takes a chunk of money up front that I just don’t have and won’t for many weeks yet. [And, that is only if all goes well.]

I could rent a room. I had thought at first about weekly at a motel. But, there is also the possibility of renting in someone’s home. I don’t care for either of these options, but they are options. The latter makes me squeamish, and the former can be quite costly.

Most recently, I revisited the RV option. I need a vehicle as well as a home. Why not both? Such a perfect situation for someone like me. Of course, the only problem with this is it would be harder to keep me in one place for long. That could be detrimental and foolish…or it could be just what I need.

Here's the biggest problem – every single one of these options requires money that I just don’t have at the moment. I realize, for those of the rational mind, that I could forego The Princesses’ Quest. Financially, it would be a very good thing. The money spent on that would be about half of what I’d need for first month’s rent/security deposit…I mean, assuming I could find a place in that price range.

There is one more option before me at the moment. It is an odd one. It makes me uncomfortable – not the option itself, but how I have to get there. It takes me outside of my comfort zone and puts me on a limb. It forces me to be bolder than I would normally be and to actually ask someone – a stranger no less – for help.

That’s all I got. Time to post this and set about tweaking my life into its new order and place.

0504

OK. I’m starting to feel a little anxious this morning. The window is closing.

I’m doing good with the packing up – I think. It seems to be moving along, almost too fast. I find myself having to pull back and slow down so that I don’t get too far ahead of myself. I need to be done by Wednesday, but I don’t want to be done before that.

I work 9 hours today. Then I have a load for The Cave. I don’t work until 3 tomorrow, so I have time tonight to get some more stuff packed and loaded. A quick run in the morning followed by some packing and loading for Tuesday. Then get ready and off to work. Tuesday will be much of the same, except I will have to ‘officially’ load the car for living. Then Wednesday I will get the truck and remove whatever is left, such as the bed and the table and chairs, etc. [Still, I sense that this is not the end of me on The Hill.]

I still don’t know where I am going to park on Wednesday and Thursday nights, though I am working on it. I have asked Big ‘D’ if I could park in the driveway but haven’t heard anything as of yet. I will ask the Putter if I can park in theirs, at the very least on Thursday. There is one place I can try to park in secret. I’ve only done it once before and it makes me a little nervous. After that, I have 6 nights of comfort before I am back in the car again…and even then only for a few nights before the girls and I go away.

After that…who knows.

I’ve been having some bowel issues this morning. More than you may need to know but important enough to make note of [for future reference.] I feel like there is a rock in my gut.

I ‘feel as though it could be a strange day. Happy Day After/Day Before, I suppose. [Till later, Fellow Travelers.]

Saturday, August 1, 2020; 1905

It was a hard day at work. I was in a lot of pain [my back] and I don’t really know why. I honestly wasn’t sure that I was going to make it through my entire ten hours. But, I did. Just barely.

I started off the day feeling good, mostly. I mean, my back hurt, but I was still feeling OK about everything that is going on. I didn’t really want to go to The Job. I fear this is going to be a looming problem for the next several weeks. Right now, I am using The Princesses’ Quest to keep me attached and committed. Tomorrow will be the end of the pay cycle just before The Quest. So, if I get through tomorrow, I have that pay coming still and it will help with the trip.

Monday begins the next two week cycle. That pay would come just 2 or 3 days after we get back. So, I am trying to convince myself that I can get through at least those last two weeks and get that pay. I’m not sure I can. I do realize that a lot of the drive to leave is being caused by my fears. [yes, I said it.] I don’t know if ‘fears’ is the right word – doubts maybe. I don’t know what is going to happen and I don’t know how I get through this or where I will be when it is done, so I start to feel like maybe it’s time to sever all ties and move on. It is almost exactly what happened with The Theatre [just about the same time last year.]

This is the cycle that gets frustrating. Like I said – 1 step forward, 2 steps back. It is the very thing I have complained about for a decade. I get myself situated and settled. I reach a point where the next plan can be how to do more and push further. Then…there is something – The Cave-In, The Incident…now. Something always flips it over. In the end it does always seem to put me in the right place at the right time, but it is not always clear – even when it happens. The Incident was different. It definitely led to better, stronger, clearer. It took a long time and a lot of struggle, but eventually I would accomplish things. And then….BAM!

One could argue that I brought this on myself. Was it ego? What was it exactly? Like I said before, I could see what was going to come of it. I saw it very plainly. Yet, I went ahead with it anyway. And, now, here I am.

But, I can’t seem to feel like it was bad or a mistake. There is just so much that it lines up with. The timeframe alone is accurate. Forget Lammas and the Full Moon. Everything in the timing works out. It is falling in line with the pattern that was already in place. It also comes at a time when I can [mostly] manage it. There is more to this then what there seems (It’s Never as Bad as It Looks.) Of course, there is always The Professor’s message of, “What if it’s all taken care of?”

If I had any doubts that this was a Divine move, the appearance of The Letter ‘G’I has put them to rest.

Last night, as I stressed and ,mulled things over in my mind – trying to understand how I get where I’d like to go – I was struck with a question.

“Matthew, what would you do with $1,000,000?”

Well, I think that answer is plainer to me now than it has ever been before. First off, I figure about half goes away in taxes – leaving $500,000. So, 10% comes off right away [and this alone would provide a decent life if it were all I had to work with.] Speaking of, the next thing I would do is take an equal amount and put it aside as a year’s “salary” – my living expenses. I would put $300,000 aside to take care of all things vehicle/home – new car, a house, taxes, tags, insurances, costs. I would get what suits me best.

All of this and there would still be $100, 000 left over. Funny then, that it already has a place to go. Though it is the last item I mention, it was the first to make the list of To-Dos.

I don’t know that any of this is actually important, but I wasn’t going to rest properly until I made note of it [physically] somewhere.

That is what I am going to do now. If I go to bed now I have the chance to get a good, solid 6 hours of sleep. This has me getting up earlier than truly needed, but thre are things I can take care of. I made progress with the pack up today, but there is still quite a bit to do.

I can’t explain it but I feel like it is going to be an intense sleep.

[And, I can’t fight the feeling that I don’t go to work tomorrow.]

Friday, July 31, 2020;1941

I was going to start this very early in the morning – like 0200. I had just gotten out of my soak and there was a lot milling around my mind. I decided that I should rest instead. I almost wish I would have because now I cannot quite remember the soak...and the soak was important.

Anyway, here we are – the Eve of Lammas. [Actually at this point in time, depending on your timekeeping, it will begin very shortly – 2018.] So, it would seem once again, the great rifts come with a Holi-day. But this isn’t just any Holi-day. On Monday, there is a Full Moon. So, I have a Day Before, Day Of, and Day After. That Day After becomes the Day Before The Moon. And, into a Day of, and a Day After. These next 5 days could be very intense. Also, we are beginning what is known as The Dog Days of Summer. To some, this is also known as The Lion’s Gate Portal. I know very little about this phenomenon, only that it is celestial, annual, and intense.

Do I find myself surprised that things are all topsy-turvy?

Not at all.

The timing of it all is just so fascinating to me. It lines up with so much of what was already on the table. It all makes such sense to me. I do not know how I recover or move forward. I only know, Right This Moment, that I must get through the next 19 days – keep on keeping on and follow the path that is already before me.

This includes the packing up and moving. That is not as simple as I would like it. While I am doing that I am trying to prepare what I need for staying in the car. It has to be as smooth a transition as possible. What will help in this is that I will only have two nights at first, then I will be house sitting for six. So, really, I need to make sure I am ready for those two nights. And, if I am fortunate [and humble] perhaps at least one of them will be easy. It is the other one I find myself concerned about at the moment. But, I am also trying to get my stuff together and organized and ready for both the house sitting and the Princesses’ Quest. This also includes stuff I’m putting together for our day with Craze.

I need to stay on top of the packing without getting too far ahead of myself. Along the way I need to keep managing all of these things. The house sitting will definitely aid in this process. I have these things to get ready for, a home search to figure out, and on top of it, I will soon have to get my license photo done.

So much going on all at once.

I not only have The Job to keep up with, but I need to get on top of my training process sooner rather than later, and this week they want to send me to another store for most of the week. I also have The Seasonal Store trying to start. I was supposed to work today and did not, so that I could get moving on the packing up process. I need to stay on top of it and the next several days will be challenging.

I have all of these pieces that I am trying to juggle, and it’s not just the stuff. It’s the time frames and spaces and needs. I have to make sure this puzzle goes together in a way that will let me still utilize what I have and keep functioning. I need it all to go as easy as possible.

I do well with this kind of stuff. [And, I am grateful for that gift.] But, it does take a lot. My brain is always shifting the pieces around, even when they are not right before me. It’s like my brain is constantly working on it in the background of my thoughts and when it finds the right combination, a picture will pop into my vision. “Aha! That’s what I should do.”

For instance, this morning I was trying to make arrangements for the truck and some of the larger, more difficult things to move. [Nothing is really all that big. Only difficult to manage in The MattMobile.] As my brain processed, I realized I was going to have a lot of stuff going into The Cave and I am starting to run short on space. A good portion of that space is taken up by a recent score of copper and steel piping. I figured, if I am using the truck on Wednesday anyway, why not load the metal into the truck and do that first. Then go empty The Dormitory and bring the truck back.

Pieces.

The situation is tense and stressful. One could say that I brought it on myself. I could feel the backlash when I posted what I posted on Facebook. It’s like I knew he’d see it and I didn’t care. That may seem reckless or disrespectful – and, it is – but I think it was all necessary. It was a catalyst for what needs to be.

For me, I do not know what that will be in the end. I am choosing to handle this as if it is pushing me forward again – no different than leaving Old Geistopia. I have definitely been in a stagnant place in life. So many things I wish to do and get done and I just haven’t been able to – it has all come down to time and space. This has been frustrating. Someone recently commented on Facebook, “I don’t know what has made you so angry…”

This. This is what has been feeding my anger. I have been stuck and unable to really flow.

The recent change in course has definitely been a dam breaker. I don’t know how it’s going to flow, and I would be lying if I said there weren’t some knots in my gut, but I believe this is all for the better. I am getting where I was going in the first place, only stronger in a sense.

Back before The -Vid, I was planning and preparing to organize everything for moving back into the car and I would deal with the rest later, as I could. The virus forced me into a situation that allowed me to focus on all of my stuff as a whole. I didn’t quite make the progress I would have liked. Still, at this point I will be prepared for moving into the car, and, for the first time in over a year, all of my remaining belongings will be under one roof and, somewhat, easily accessible.

That is an achievement.

I also think that this is going to be good for Hoagie. I think, in the long run, it is going to be very hard on him, but it will be good for him.

Hoagie came to me about 2 ½ years ago as a friend and a healer. He was having a rough time and needed some guidance and support. I donned my Shaman Hat and away we went. As with anytime I take on that role, I was committed through the end. Or, at least as far as the path would take me. I was committed to that role with The Theatre, but I was not to be on that path with them in its entirety. So, I was committed to Hoagie and I carried that through into our arrangements at The Dormitory. I put forth a lot of energy and time for him. He doesn’t even really know how much. I did a lot to give him an edge and have something to work with to build and grow stronger.

If I were going to make only one Observation, in an effort to keep from droning on with stories and examples, I would merely say that he has been very resistant to the healing. He seems to only take it so far – Just far Enough. That is fair and that is fine. I have done, and sometimes still do, the same. But, I think I do feel a bit slighted and hurt by it. When you do for someone you would like to see them use that to do for themselves. I also cannot be a part of where his path has taken him. He needs to go through it on his own now.

Sometime around the last Reiki session I gave him, just at the beginning of The -Vid I believe, one of the things that came through for him was to spend some time in serious self-introspection. We all need to do that from time to time. It helps us understand our own struggles, but also gives a plan and a direction for moving ahead. This is one of the many things he did only to a point. He never really dove into it the way that was intended for him. This process may force that on him. To my knowledge, his license suspension should be starting shortly. He will be left with no place to go and no way to get there anyway. I will be gone. ‘Jim’ will be back at work. He may or may not get time with Spike.

The solitude could serve him well. [And, I truly hope it does.]

Interesting side note: I formed some sort of blister on my left foot.

Blister – Resistance. Lack of emotional protection.

Left Side of Body – Represents receptivity, taking in, feminine energy, women, the mother.

Foot – Fear of the future and of not stepping forward in life.

Anyway, The Day.

I did get some stuff moved down to The Cave and I have plans for what is left. I just need to work it as I can. I also ended up at another impromptu safety meeting with The Putter and Sparky. It was brief but enjoyable and perfect.

Then I came to Brother John’s, where I am crashing for the night. I have rested and gotten things done and just kind of put myself back together. I had things to work on – like this post – and this afforded me the chance to do so. I really do find peace when I am here.

I do not know what my home situation looks like ahead but I won’t deny I want it to be right. I want what I want at this point. This statement is just me allowing my ego a moment. Ultimately, I will accept what is best. Nonetheless, I want a home. I want a home I can function in, and be productive – in all areas of my life. It is time and I believe I deserve it.

I just don’t know how to get there.

And, as is par for the course in my life, every time I make a bit of advancement I seem to inevitably fall back almost further than what I came forward. It’s frustrating and tiring.

I am supposed to work The Job tomorrow. Right this Moment, I am making no promises. The back hurts as well. And, I need my back to keep moving what I can. But, also, I have quite a bit to do yet tonight, so I do not know what kind of sleep I will be able to get.

It's all very, “Whatever,” at the moment.

Thursday, July 30, 2020; 2103

“By the end of Summer, you will know.”

But what does that mean?

(Ask & It Is Given)

Tomorrow is the Eve of Lammas – the end of The Tending (Summer) and the beginning of The Harvest (Autumn) – and I definitely know more than I did yesterday. Ironically, that knowledge has given way to so much more I do not know.

Today was the day I was to stain the deck. That went well. Actually, it pretty much went according to plan – time wise anyway. I got up just in time to get myself ready. There were a few things tat I forgot. However, I had to run to the store for some other supplies and I was fortunate enough to remember them while I was there.

Off to the site. Started on time. Job done. Ate lunch. Cleaned up.

I had been trying to get in touch with FaeriePrincess to tell her about something. She told me she was going by the Putter’s and I said I would come by. I never did get to really tell her. Those kinds of things happen a lot with FaeriePrincess. Anyway, it turned out to be a full-fledged safety meeting. Everyone showed up – The Professor, Sparky, FaeriePrincess, even The Warden and Loch Ness would make appearances. We all just happened to be in the area. It’s always interesting when this happens. The last time I remember was Thanksgiving.

However, this was an odd safety meeting. Part of it was my own ‘drama’ going on, but that’s neither here nor there at the moment. I’m not sure how I want to address that. But there was a small moment with Loch Ness (again.) Once again she asked a good question in a bad way.

“How’s working life?”

I really hate that. What would have been wrong with, “How’s The Job,” or, “How’s work going?” Or, even as The Warden asked later, “How’s The Job [by name?]”

There is just something in this other phrasing that I loathe. I realize I am extra sensitive to this whole topic when it comes to Loch Ness. She is one of a group of the putter Clan who have always just assumed [based on what the were told by Boom-Dee-Aye] that I just didn’t work all these years.

I have worked in my life. I have done lots of work. I just have never made good, or even decent, money. [I’m still not.] In fact, I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve done many kinds of work. I’ve worked several jobs/projects at once. I’ve done work that these folks don’t even realize exists. I know it’s stupid. It just irritates me. SO, I simply chuckled and rolled my eyes and answered, “fine.”

Ok. So, on from there to an unplanned but necessary part of my day. I had to return to The Dormitory and pack up some things and load the car to take tools and such to Old Geistopia and The Cave. I got it all loaded and headed out.

I made a quick stop at Brother John’s and hung out for a bit. We had some pizza and I helped him with a small project. We chatted and chilled and laughed. It was nice. I truly appreciate him in my life. There was talk about his church and a program they run to help families and homes. This was important. [Especially after seeing 4 hawks – 2x2 – on my way there Of course there was also Butterfly, Ant, and Dragonfly in my day.]

We finished business and I dropped the stuff at The Cave, making plans for the next load and how I manage it all in just a week.

Here is what is significant about my day. Here is what I know…and don’t know.

This morning Hoagie was up early. I mean very early, especially for him. I left the Dormitory by 7 and he was up before then. He got up, I presume, specifically to tell me that he is giving me a week to remove all of my stuff and be gone.

Do not get upset. It was my own doing really. He was reacting to a FB post that [he knew] was about him. I have had all of these frustrations pent up and I let them out. He didn’t appreciate it very much. I was warned about as much by Good Man Charlie Brown. Karma is a bit of a bitch.

There is much self-exploration and realization to be had from this moment. Unfortunately, now is not the time to delve into it all. I have things to do. The clock is ticking and I have a lot of stuff to move and I have work everyday between now and then.

But what about living? Where will I live? For now…we are pushing that out of our minds. There is not much I can do about it at this moment and the next two weeks are crazy enough. I have work and moving up until about next Wednesday. Then I have two nights and on Friday I will be going to Brother John’s for a week of house/Dog sitting. When that is over I will have four nights until The Princesses and I take our Quest. I am sure I will figure something out, even if it is just where I can park my car to sleep for the night.

I’m really not bothered by any of this. It feels right. Isn’t that funny. All this time, life seemed so strong and something felt wrong. This comes along and really screws everything up (or so it seems) and it feels right.

It is exactly what my posts have been alluding to – something is in the air, something isn’t right, something is coming. When it comes it will happen fast and abrupt.

Hmmmm.

All I can do is all I ever do – take it One Step, One Day at a Time.

What I don’t know at this point [besides where I am actually going to try to live] is how all of this could affect my two job plan.

Wednesday, July 29, 2020; 1109

*sigh*

Yesterday was interesting at work. There really does seem to be this attitude among some of the employees that they can just do whatever and it is ok. I had a guy who was having a video call while he was on my board making sandwiches. He actually got mad at me for telling him to trun it off and put it away. I was the bad guy.

Then there is this manager who has a problem with me. I still don’t know what it is but it is so very obvious. I was going to just confront him last night and ask what the problem is, but he disappeared immediately at the end of his shift. Oh well.

I don’t know what I’m feeling today. I feel stuck. I can’t seem to work on anything or focus. The things I want to do are slipping by. I keep up with the things I must do [or am told to do,] but even in those I find I am struggling.

My back is very, very sore today. I’m not exactly certain how I am going to get through this day. I can try my back brace but it may actually be too late for that. I have seriously considered calling out for the day, but as the closing manager that is really not an option. I think I’m more concerned about the next several days. I have the deck to stain, a fixture truck to unload, and then two more full days of work.

I came to the realization this morning that I am leaning towards ‘Unforgiving.’ I don’t mean to. I more than anyone understand the struggles of living. I get that everyone has their story, and that there is always more to the story than what people may know. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I’ve had both good and bad things go on in my life that very few people have known about. I have put myself out on the line more times than I care to count – just to try to ‘do’ something. Yet, I can also say that I didn’t always try my best. I wasn’t always doing all that I could do. It would be beyond foolish to deny that.

Sometimes, it was caused by ignorance. I just didn’t see what was right before me.

Sometimes, it was depression – so frustrated and defeated and wanting a permanent way out.

Sometimes it was just ego and arrogance - Too good to do that. I deserve more. Or, worse, I’ve done enough and I can squander away now.

So, I do understand. But, at the same time, we cannot always be complacent in others’ struggles. There are those who thrive in the chaos. Though it hurts and confuses them, makes them sad or vulnerable, it is familiar – and thereby safe and comfortable. These are the people that will drag you into it with them. They will feed off of you and drain you. They do not strive for better, they only talk about it. These people, they are the ones with which you must cut ties. You must sever the connection that allows them to draw for you – for your sake and theirs. Sometimes, you must give them the push and tell them to be stronger…or die trying.

I suppose this is what we call tough love.

It is, essentially, the attitude that my family had taken with me. It has been a very challenging path and a difficult [yet interesting] 18 months. Truly, I am so much better for it. I have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way. My finances are definitely in better space then they have been in a long time. This is not just due to the job but because of my need to balance and budget. I have set Goals and slowly worked towards them. My physical body was better off right from the start – when I learned, while living in the treehut and working almost round the clock at jobs or projects, that for the first time in a decade my blood pressure was actually not a concern for my doctor. And, my spirit has grown stronger. It has come to know itself more. It has known realization that it would not have known had I continued on the path I was following.

So, yes. I understand. But, sometimes, the ‘Unforgiving, Cold’ attitude can be the best thing you do for someone for whom you care.

Well, I must get ready for work now. I didn’t get anything done this morning that I wanted to do. Well, except this. So, I get ready for work, visit with ‘Jim’ a moment and then head off to The Job to live whatever kind of life that is for 10 or 11 hours. Then, I can face my days again. I am looking forward to the adventure of the next 2 days or so.

Tuesday, July 28, 2020; 1158

*Pause for station identification…actually, pause for Noon Devotion*

Okay. I’m back. I wanted to write yesterday, but it was an intense day. The day didn’t quite go as I had planned, but precisely as I had prepared for. I worked at finishing the blog in the morning. As well as getting together whatever trifles I could to return to The Cave. The Professor was stopping by The Putter’s and it was time for a safety meeting. I had not originally planned on such an adventure, but I did manage to get it all together.

I took care of business at Old Geistopia then headed to The Grove to zen out. After that I completed my other weekly tasks – laundry and shopping. All in all it seemed a normal day off.

But something in it left me feeling different. I felt closer to the Spirit I have been missing. I believe, whatever the shift may be, it is very close.

Today seemed to back that theory up. I got up and took care of business as I usually do. I got the blog posted and looked at finances [which are little scarier than I would like at the moment.] Then I felt the need to walk to the closest Valley’s Favorite Convenience Store. I went for cigarettes and a coffee.

It was the walk that made the difference in my day…perhaps my life.

I was not long on it and I could tell it was going to be a Vision Quest. The picture above was my indicator. A tunnel…a gateway. I practiced the ART of walking slow and being in the moment. I realized this is something I wish to show The Princesses. Our upcoming Quest is the perfect opportunity. There is much to be learned and gained from this ART. I only hope I can do it justice in my conveyance.

I also came to some resolution about the current state of affairs at The Job. It is what it is. I have to stand my ground and be me. As a manager I cannot let employees walk over me, or sass me, or take advantage of me. I need to stand my ground. And, worse case scenario, if the upper management can’t support me in this, I already have a FT job lined up. It’s temporary yes, but the money will be much better as well.

We will see how today goes.

We will see how every day between now and the Quest goes. Lammas is coming up.

In my soak last night there was a message: You will know by the end of the summer.

But what does that mean? When?

Is it the end of the summer that our calendar marks at about September 21?

Is it the end of the summer that our culture and social events have conditioned us for at Labor day?

Or is it, according to agriculture, when The Harvest begins on Lammas?

I guess we’ll find out.

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Butterfly – Transmutation and The Dance of Joy

The process of metamorphosis should be studied closely. Make note of the most important issues confronting you at the moment. What stage of change are at in regards to them? You may have to examine and determine what you wish the outcome to be, and how best to accomplish it. Was a symbol of the soul. Was a symbol of conjugal bliss and joy. A symbol of change, joy, and color. There has long been an association in folklore between those of the Faerie Realm and butterflies. They remind us not to take things so seriously within our lives. They awaken a sense of lightness and joy. They remind us that life is a dance, and dance, though powerful, is also a great pleasure. Can be reminders to get up and move for if you can move you can dance. Look at how much or how little joy is within your life. Lighten up. Look for change. Don’t forget that all change is good. Reminds us to make changes when the opportunities present themselves. Transformation is inevitable. Growth and change does not have to be traumatic. It can occur as gently, as sweetly, and as joyfully as we wish.

Ant - Industriousness, Order, and Discipline

Symbol of work and industry. Wisdom and intellect in their endeavors is often acclaimed. Social. Community activity. Gathering, hunting, growing. May find that the cycle of industriousness and building of goals may increase over a period of twelve years. Cycle of twelve - days, months, years - will be of significance. Teacher of how to build, how to be the architect of your own life. Show you how to construct our dreams into a reality. Greatest success occurs with persistence. Examine your own industriousness. Are you disciplining yourself enough to accomplish the tasks at hand? Are you or those around you looking for the quick and easy way? Are you neglecting important activities? Are you laying a good foundation? Are you adding new structures to your life with each passing year in some fashion - education, jobs, hobbies, etc? Are you being patient with your efforts? Are you being patient with yourself? With others? Are you making things greater and more difficult than they need to be? Are you missing the opportunity to initiate new creativity and endeavors? Can teach how to harness your own power to design and recreate your life. Can show you how best to work with others for the good of everyone. Regardless of circumstances, if the effort is true, the rewards will follow - in the most beneficial time and manner. The promise of success through effort.

Dragonfly – The Power of Light

Inhabit two realms – water and air. The significance of these should be studied. There must be expressions of the emotional and the mental together. You may need some fresh air in regards to something emotional. You may need to gain new perspective or make a change. May even indicate that you are neglecting your emotions. Are you being too rational about everything? Are you not keeping the colors of emotion alive?

Frog – Transformation Through Water and Sound

Water and Land. Faeries and elves. Linked to rain and control of the weather. Lunar energies. Have been known to be heralders of abundance and fertility. You may need to get in touch with the water element. It may reflect that there are new rains coming or that you need to call new rains forth. Maybe the old waters are becoming dirty and stagnant. Frog can teach you how to clean them up. It is a totem of metamorphosis. It is a symbol of coming into one’s own creative power. Usually frog people have strong ties to their mothers. [Hint? Clue?] Are you becoming too mundane? Are you becoming too mired in the mud of your day-to-day life? Are you needing to dive into some fresh creative water? Are you feeling waterlogged, becoming bogged down, or drowning in emotions?

Fly – [*from trustedpsychicmediums.com*]

When the fly spirit animal makes its way into your life, this usually serves as a warning that there’s danger lurking somewhere.

It means to catch your attention when you are spending too much of your time with someone or on something that has a destructive influence.

The fly meaning brings to focus to anything that’s causing harm to your life, whether of your own choosing or not. An example of this is giving in to societal pressures and indifference.

Just like the cricket spirit animal, the meaning of the fly also speaks about hate, spite, malice, or blame. It buzzes to be heard and flies overhead annoyingly until you are forced to swat or kill it with anything you can get your hands on.

However, before you dismiss the fly as nothing but bad and undesirable, the fly symbolism also speaks about cures for sicknesses (just like the deer symbolism).

The meaning of the fly also serves as a reminder that you reap what you sow.

What you put out there to the world will come back to you a hundredfold, so make sure that your actions, thoughts, and words come from a place of love and goodness.

The fly spirit animal symbolizes abundance and prosperity during times of adversity.

It sends the message that by being persistent, consistent, and determined even in the face of tragedy will result to victory.

The fly signifies encouragement, because it does a very excellent job of goading you with its presence until you surrender to what it wants and let you be.

It will always fasten on you, arouse you, reproach you, or persuade you, and will not be satisfied until you get on your feet and achieve what you set out to achieve.

Wolf - Guardianship, Ritual, Loyalty, and Spirit

Teaches you to know who you are and to develop strength, confidence and surety in that so that you do not have to demonstrate or prove yourself at all. Very expressive with hands, face, posture, or some other manner. How to empower your verbal communications with appropriate key language. Teach the lesson of proper governorship - the balance between authority and democracy. How to use ritual to establish order and harmony in your own life. Helps us to understand that true freedom requires discipline. 22-24 months. Need to make use of all that is available to you. Remind us to not waste, as much as to remind us to keep our spirits alive Great discrimination. Listen to own inner thoughts and words. The intuition will be strong. Learning to trust your own insights and to secure your attachments accordingly. Help you to hear the inner and guard from inappropriate actions. Time to breathe a new life into your life rituals. Find a new path, take a new journey, take control of your life. Do so with harmony and discipline.

Eagle - Illumination of Spirit, Healing, and Creation.

Balance of being of the Earth, but not in it. The soul, the spirit, and warmth of life. The resurrection. Punishment and reward. Greater sight and perception. Reflects an awakening ability or the need to learn to walk between worlds. Heroic nobility and divine spirit. The rediscovery of the inner child. Alchemy. Involvement with creativity. A willingness to experience extremes in a controlled condition. A willingness to use your passions to purify and to use your abilities, even if you get scorched a little in the process. The need to stay connected to and use things of the Earth. Important to know when to speak, how much, how strongly. New vision will open. The ability to hear - spiritually and physically - may also increase. Cooperative responsibility. A healing role. Opportunities (even those thought long lost) will arise - learn to see and snatch them up. A new sense of timing and movement will begin to develop Primal force inherent and easily awakened. Take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be. Events will now fly faster, repercussions for everything you think, do and say (or fail to) - positive and negative - will be both stronger and quicker. A powerful new dimension to life and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth. Touch all of life with healing and become the mediator and the bearer of new creative forces within the world.