Deeper We Go

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Yeah, it’s true.

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

My Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, May 10, 2020. Time...Formidable.

Theme – The In-Betweens

I know this has come up before. It has come up a lot before. That is why the experience has a name. The In-Betweens is much like The Void. It is a place where things exist but nothing really has form – between one life and another. For instance, things at Old Geistopia are coming to a close, but not finished. Hoagie’s is not a permanent solution to my dilemma, but it is at least a holding ground for now. I am In-Between homes. Or, I am definitely in a different space financially then I have been in some time. I have come a long way. Yet, I still have so far to go in order to move life forward. I am In-Between financial plateaus. I am finding this feeling across the board in my life – there, but not quite. The Job is a good example of this.

Lesson – Little by Little, Bit by Bit

So very similar to Day by Day, Step by Step, but not quite. The latter is a measure of time, whereas the Lesson is more task and goal oriented. It is so easy to get frustrated when things do not move along as one would like. The question should be – is there progression? Things may happen Little by Little or Bit by Bit, what is important is that they are happening. You can put in all the effort you have and still only achieve a little at a time. That’s ok. Likewise, you can try too much or push too hard. Trying to get more done than you can instead of acknowledging what you have completed. [Then taking a rest.]

Observation – There’s Always a Bump in the Road

This Observation makes me think of my stagehand days. We would receive the stage plans for a show and set out to put it together. Rarely did the plans work. We would say, “It always looks good on paper.” Every plan is a good one. It’s always going to work. And, that’s the truth. But, life is full of unforeseen happenings. There are just too many uncontrollable variables in existence. That’s ok. Just keep at it and do what you can – Little by Little, Bit by Bit.

The Post

One day, I hope, I will reach a Sunday and actually be able to remember my week. [Without the notes.]

It was quite a week, though. But, then, aren’t they all?

The In-Betweens was so much of a Theme this week that I had contemplated using it in the title of the post. It is how I am feeling across the board lately. Just…like I am stuck in between all of these phases or existences.

It’s a strange feeling really. Some days it can be frustrating. That’s not a correct statement. Every day it is frustrating. What I should say is that some days the frustration doesn’t bother me. That is where a message like Little by Little, Bit by Bit comes in handy. It functions as a reminder that all things take their own time. All we can do is keep showing up and chip away at life the best we can, until we find the results for which we are striving.

Fear came up this week as well. Fear and the role it has played in my life. So afraid to fail that I would set myself up for failure. So afraid to mess up that I would do nothing at all. So afraid to be me that I lost myself along the way.

A simple example of this would be crafting. I do so enjoy working with projects but my abilities are limited. My abilities are limited because I have held back from trying to push my limits. I guess on some level I am afraid to mess up or afraid o find out I really can’t do certain things.

I looked at Fear and how it has affected my life. I feel the impact of it has been so deep and so broad that, for a moment, it, too, was being considered for Title-ship, or one of the three staples of the week.

Spiritually speaking things have been very intense. Almost difficult. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just been all very strange to maneuver through. I’ve been having so many Moments of Recollection lately. I’ve mentioned these experiences time and time again over the past few months. So many moments where space/time open up and I find myself in a moment that I have seen before. It is not like déjà vu. I’ve had that. It’s similar but also very different. With these experiences it is more like seeing something that I have seen before – in a vision or meditation. I think I have written about how, lately, the acknowledgment of the experience then has me flashing back on some random moment in time. A moment I can recall being in a particular zone. I have to wonder if those are the moments when I had those visions. I have used the phrase many times before and it is these moments that define it –

Remembering then, remembering now – the when, the where, the why and the how.

In regards to The Experiment [and these posts] we have looked at things like the system of numbers, or listening to the random words that pass through the mind – such as the time markers I have been given along the way. Personally, I feel all of those things have demonstrated and proven themselves. But, I wondered if The Totems were working as well.

Every week I leave a list of the totems that I encounter. I include a description of their lessons, or medicines. I am not certain if that information played out, or conveyed itself clearly. As I reviewed and wrote out each totem I did notice Themes running between them. There was one week in particular when one totem led to two others [that I had not encountered.] Each of the three had similar energies behind them. There have also been messages running through them that have reflected things happening, or needing to happen in my life. I do not know if that has been detectable through these writings. For instance, there has been a huge emphasis on diet. My eating habits are something that I am trying to change for the better – Little by Little, Bit by Bit. Each as it Comes.

However, last week – on Friday, I took a little Quest. It was Beltane after all. I kept a log of every totem I encountered along the way. This included plants and herbs as well as general messages. Beaver came up twice on that list. When I wrote it out, I took note of the connection between Beaver and the Freemasons. If you go back and look at the log of totems, which appears in order, you will notice the appearance of Beaver happens around one other message – Masonry. [Beaver…Masonry…Beaver Meadows.]

This is of extra particular interest to me for I am a Freemason. I do not talk about it much, or throw it around, because I feel it is like any other choice or path – it’s not important until it is. I discuss it when it when it is relevant to the moment, such as now, or when someone asks.

I am not as active with the Brotherhood as I would like to be, especially over this past [almost] year and a half. But the path itself is important to me. Masonry has been a part of my Journey since long before I was raised. It has always been there and the lessons have always resonated with me – even when I haven’t known what they were.

So, those are my thoughts coming into this writing. Now, let’s jump to my notes and take a look at what we can recover from the week.

My notes for Monday start with, “Holy Crap!!”

I remember Monday, or at least, the importance of Monday. Monday was the kind of day that I have been missing. Monday was the first day in weeks that I have not been doing some degree of running around on a day off. I spent the day at The Dormitory.

I woke that morning at 0200. I do not know what woke me up, what Spirits took me over, but I got up and I got active. I moved constantly, jumping from one task to another – or between several at once. Around 1230 I would stop for an hour-ish nap and then set back to it until 2130 that night.

I did have quite the day – full, productive, and fulfilling. I finally got my taxes done. [Well, except local. But, I’ll get there.] I had no intention of taking advantage of the July extension. I didn’t see any need to do so. But, life took over and created the need. I kept wanting to get around to it but, as I said, I have been on the run. [The truth is, I have been going fairly constant and consistent for…I don’t know how long now – two weeks? A month?] Nonetheless, they are done now. I owed money to the state and that has been paid. I am awaiting a fair refund from Federal. I see this as a blessing. It will make up for the extra money spent on The MattMobile. (And Then Some.) So, I am putting that towards The Princesses’ Canyon Adventure. This way, even if I can’t raise any other funds I know at least a basic trip is covered. It is what I had budgeted originally.

We Always Have What We Need When We Need It.

And, this is because, as Jesus put it, “The Father knows what you need before you need it.” The Universe is way out ahead of us. I have commented on this Observation several times over the past few weeks. I am just amazed at how, despite all the setbacks and turmoil, life has come together moment after moment. I know that recently I listed off all of the bad things that happened over the past year – Leaving Old Geistopia, leaving The Theatre, the troubles with finding a job – having two and ending with none.

Each of these things really kind of sucked.

But, each was also necessary – for various reasons, but I found in them a connection. COVID-19. I could not have gotten through these months if any of those things had remained as they were. The Theatre and The Parent Company would both have closed, leaving me out of work. Which, I suppose would have been okay, considering I’d be making more on unemployment right now anyway. But, all this time off and I don’t know that I would have returned to either of them. I certainly wouldn’t have survived The Distributor with energies what they have been over the past several months. And, I am fairly certain that Old Geistopia would have erupted if we had all had to be quarantined there together for this long. The Universe knew what was coming and acted accordingly.

This is just another example. I needed money to fix the car. I received money to fix the car – in the form of the COVID-19 Stimulus. I ended up spending much more than I had hoped, or even planned, and, yet, I have recouped those funds – in the form of a return. The pieces were all on the table, but not all in play. Now they are and it has all worked out – Precise & Perfectly Placed.

So…anyway…I did my taxes. I delayed for so long because I really wasn’t sure how I was going to go about doing it. I didn’t have internet access readily available for the laptop and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to upload the documents from my phone. On Monday, that changed, because I broke down and added a hotspot plan to my phone. I have been contemplating it for some time. I won’t be able to sit around and stream movies and music, but I can at least use it to access websites. This can make a lot of things easier for me. This Blog, for instance. It is much easier to upload and edit from a laptop than an app on the phone. I am a little uneasy adding another monthly bill to the mix, even such a trifle. But, for now, I find it to be a ‘necessary evil.’

For me, those were both two very big accomplishments. The taxes needed to get done, even without considering the refund. And, the ability to be online and on the laptop will open up many opportunities and possibilities moving forward.

I managed to get The Workshop straightened up and worked in some of the things that came from Old Geistopia on the last trip.

I video chatted with The Princesses and we made plans for the week of House-Dog sitting and for The Canyon. We agreed that we would put The Canyon off until June when they have finished with their online school work. I haven’t discussed this with them as of yet, but I have decided we will do it over Father’s Day weekend, which happens to coincide with Midsummer.

Beltane would have been fun.

Midsummer should be truly magickal.

[Once again, the Universe is way out ahead of things.]

Tuesday night I worked a closing shift at work. It was such a strange day. First of all, it was my first close on my own without another manager there. To say I was a bit nervous and concerned would probably be an understatement. But, also, I am on a very particular routine lately and I was up at about 0400 that morning and stayed up until I got home from my shift at 2330.

I just didn’t feel right all day long.

There is significance in Tuesday. I just have no idea what it may be.

So…on to Wednesday.

Wednesday is always a fascinating and fun day, because it when I get to venture out and do my things. Wednesday is laundry day and shopping day and visiting day. In fact, it has become quite the day of questing. This Wednesday I was out and about for 10 hours.

This Wednesday is of particular interest though, because this Wednesday was a Day Before. It was The Day Before the Flower Moon, which also happened to be a super moon. [Knowing this now suddenly explains the strangeness of the time between this moon and the previous, which was also a super moon.]

The day seemed extra quest-y.

I set off to my day around 0730. I was headed to do the laundry first, but I wasn’t going to do any shopping this day. Of course, as I traveled, I kept a log similar to Beltane’s.

The drive down into The Valley was a relaxing one. There were definitely totems and messages along the way. I think I finally found my ‘perfect’ route for traveling back and forth. One that takes me directly past a place of particular interest.

I did the laundry and then headed to my mechanic just to have something on the car checked real quick. All was ok. From there, I headed to Old Geistopia and The Putter’s. In which order I visited and worked I cannot remember. I’ve told you…the days are all blurred.

Here today and, almost literally, gone tomorrow.

Nonetheless, it was an interesting and intense afternoon. The safety meeting would include the Trio of Terror; The Shaman, The Pillar, and The Putter three. The Shaman and I shared some Totem talk. The Putter and I delved into some crafting chat. And, The Pillar, as usual, just sat by waiting his turn to cause mayhem and mischief.

During the Totem Talk, The Putter mentioned that his totem lives in the tree behind his own cave. I was intrigued and asked. He told me it was the owl. I know that owl. He has been a messenger for me on more than one occasion. I have never seen him. But there have been several quiet nights with his call. I found this very interesting since one of my two main totems is the hawk. [Who happens to live in a tree in the back of Old Geistopia.] But more than location, there is a connection between these two birds of prey. First, they are both birds of prey. They function in similar ways and along the same principles. But also, they are considered solar opposites. The owl is the hawk of the night. This all made me cock an eyebrow, because that is how I would describe me and The Putter. We are so very similar and yet so very opposite. Night and day. We come from the same ‘breed’, but are the products of very different ‘breeding.’

Eventually, The Pillar would find his moment. I don’t know what it is, nor why, but this man loves to goad me. He very calculatingly presses the buttons and pokes the bear, looking for the thing that will make me feel not quite right. You may wonder why I spend time with someone like that. I have wondered it as well from time to time. No matter what mischief he creates, at the end of the day he is a good man. He is wise and gentle and kind. He will always lend a hand and lift you up. In many ways, I suppose, you could say I see him as the master who pushes until the student breaks, so that the student may know his own strength.

Anyway, today it was Old Geistopia. Apparently, Big ‘D’ and Boom-Dee-Aye have been cleaning out hardcore again. I do recall something being said about the attic getting cleaned out. And, I did find things in The Cave this time that were probably stored up there. The Pillar used this information to hint that they are planning on selling the house. This is unconfirmed, but it could be a possibility. Big ‘D’ has certainly talked about it many times over the years. Sometimes by choice, and sometimes through fear. [And, there were occasions when it was even just tossed around to create fear.]

I suppose it seems curious that I would be concerned or disturbed at anything they choose to do. I mean, I am not there anymore. So, what difference does it make to me if they sell or not? And yet, on some level it does make a difference. I am still connected to the property, devoted to it, whether I am there or not. The family is connected to it.

There are two stories about Old Geistopia. One is how we got there. The other is why. So, I would see it as somewhat heartbreaking and soul-shattering if that property should fall out of family hands.

My time at Old Geistopia was just as powerful as The Safety Meeting. I didn’t get a whole lot done, but I definitely made some progress and moved things along. Little by Little, Bit by Bit.

I felt strange while I was there, but in a good way. I felt more at peace than I have in a while. I felt grounded and balanced. I felt connected to the property once more, but I did not feel at one with it anymore. It was the In-Betweens all over again.

I can’t stress enough how strange this whole process is to me – packing up my life, leaving what was for a future I can’t even guess at let alone see. It was sad. It was sad because I have lost so much over this course of things and this was all very much a reminder of that loss. It was sad because I was sorting through the remains of that life. It is all that is left. It was sad because it all could have been so different.

I thought on The Pillar’s discussion of cleaning out the attic. I thought about how he said they were paying like $800 a truckload to get it all taken away. There were two truckloads. I thought about how for several years I nudged and tried to encourage the cleaning out of that space. It was so overcrowded with unnecessary hoarding [on everyone’s part] I would have helped them do it in my usual way. There would have been trash and donations and recycling of some sort or another. There would be things to keep and things to sell. Everyone could have won. First and foremost, I would have felt good being able to use my gifts and abilities on their behalf and in such a way. But also, everyone would have felt good once the clutter was cleared, not to mention there could have been some money made by all.

But, we could not make that choice. We could not choose to work together, nor to get along. So, instead, everyone lost. I lost the chance to help and repay, as well as the opportunity to play my games. Everyone lost the opportunity for a little extra cash. And, they not only lost out on extra, they ended up paying out to do the same job we could have done a long time ago.

So…it’s all very sad.

But, it was also uplifting and inspiring. Over the years, Old Geistopia has gifted me with many moments and memories and magicks. They are ingrained in my soul and I will forever be grateful and never forget. It was reinforcing because I was able to find things that I needed or wanted and can now put them to use. And, it was refreshing because I know this can only mean there is another future waiting for me somewhere out there. The end of a chapter can only ever begin the next.

The In-Betweens.

Before I continue with my week, let me share my log of the day.

Fox Cat Penguin Squirrel Woodfern Squirrel (x2) – criss-cross Legend Crow Duck 1st Stop A couple birds I could not identify Second stop Cardinal Arrive Geistopia Cardinal Goldfinch Cardinal Goldfinch Safety meeting (Fox) Totem talk 3rd stop Legend Miracle? Turtle Dog Honeysuckle Fire Lion (duo) Holy Ghost

Thursday would bring the Full Moon. I worked that day. It’s become part of the most recent routine – a short, 6 hour shift, nestled between two days off. So, it is a day that I just sort of drift through. I don’t get too stressed out about anything. I try to consider the shift nothing more than an adventure during my ‘three’ days off. This day was different.

I was not in my usual position. Instead, the GM took on that role. It was both interesting and intense. He certainly drove the crew. We ran the best service times I have seen in the time I have been there…and by a significant gap. It was nice to know that this crew can do it. But, at times his motivations were harsh and/or critical and that made me uncomfortable. I felt sort of drained by the end of the day.

The In-Betweens.

As I suggested earlier in this post, there has been a lot of that at work. I just can’t gauge the right groove.

I came home from work. Hoagie and ‘Jim’ were hanging out on the sidewalk and that quickly turned into a Hill Chapter Safety Meeting. This was not plan for Thursday night. I had actually planned on working on this post.

Later on Thursday I would take to soaking in the tub. This has become a usual part of my week – always on Thursday and always at about the same time. Actually, this started with the last Full Moon and has continued since. I really need to figure out how to capture what happens in that time. There are always so many visions and messages. It is actually one of the strangest experiences. I reach this state of being aware and conscious, but also in stasis and almost asleep at the same time. I am cognizant of things around me but I cannot move, not even to open my eyes. Meanwhile, my mind races, sorting through the thoughts. They come and they go. Some happen in a flash and others play out. Some thoughts are silly and unnecessary. Some become vital. There are messages.

Talk about The In-Betweens.

It is the perfect meditation.

Still, I come out of that moment so disoriented that I can only ever lay down and go to sleep for the night. So, those visions become lost. They retreat into the recesses of my mind where the rest and wait to become One of those Moments – Remembering now, remembering then.

I have one other note here from Thursday. I cannot remember if it came to me on Thursday or on Friday about Thursday. It is a dream that Belle had. I want to share it here. It had a lot of information scrunched into a few brief visions. It resonated with me and it should be kept for future reference.

We were FaceTiming, talking about whatever. You were in some hotel room. It was not one that was familiar to me, as in I have been there, but familiar that I have seen you there before. We were talking, but not just super facial talking. Like really talking, catching up, just really taking time to connect again. So anyways, this room.. I am not sure if you worked there, lived there, staying there.. that was not clear to me. But you were washing this huge bathtub out. It was not a normal tub/shower combo. It was this big circle old school tub that had the claw foot kind of thing, and some beautiful crown work done to it. So you were talking to me as you were scrubbing it out, because you were going to be soaking. Then all of a sudden, the video glitches out, and next think I know, you’re falling backwards over the side of the tub, really messing up your back. You try to get up and out of the tub, but it keeps happening that you’re slipping because of how wet and slippery you were. You eventually simmer down and find yourself sitting on the couch. I’m freaking the fuck out because I thought you broke your back I keep asking if you want me to call 911, which you said no, so I was extremely grateful that you didn’t hurt yourself. But because you had some soreness and injury, I told you that no more work for you needed to happen. And you agreed (not very easily) So your mom found out.. not sure how? But her and your dad were definitely thinking about you and healing. Your mom wouldn’t admit that she was praying for you, but I could definitely sense it. It’s almost like I could see the positive vibes radiating out of her skull.

Friday was an odd day. I was so very sore when I woke up. I was scheduled off but offered to go in for a couple of hours just to help out. I wasn’t very happy with this. We really weren’t that busy and there was a lot of standing around overall. In fact, someone came in an hour after me and spent most of my next [and last] hour leaning on the board, playing on her phone and chatting with the GM.

This is the kind of thing that can irritate me. I do not mind helping out. I don’t mind going in when I can. But, I don’t like to go in and then stand around. I gave up a whole morning of productivity for that two hours of work. I didn’t get into anything because I didn’t want to have to stop in the middle, or, worse, get so caught up that I would be late.

It was brought up to me that at least I got paid.

Eh.

I didn’t make $30 for that two hours. I don’t know if it was worth sacrificing the productivity of six extra hours. I guess I just see it different than other people.

Time and money are our two greatest resources. They are truly what makes the world go round, as it were. But, I have come to the conclusion that Time is the greatest of the two – it is the richest.

Time lets us be and exist. It gives us the chance to do and to learn and to experience. It allows and affords us expression and creation. Without it, nothing can be. But, Time is finite. You cannot make more of it, nor can you spend less of it. It is what it is and then it is done. It can never be replenished or replaced. It is rare and precious. Time is also an illusion. It is merely an interpretation of existing. Time is malleable. We bend it to our wills. Once a year, a very small portion of The World decides that the sun has moved forward an entire hour. That’s 15 degrees, I believe. [If I remember my Astronomy correctly.] It doesn’t. We just choose to move it. Then once a year, we move it back into place. *smh*

There are so many ways to measure, gauge and mark time. There are Solar calendars and Lunar calendars. I have used them both, sometime congruently. Days beginning at sundown. Who would have thunk it? But it happens and it works.

Money. Heh. Money is infinite. It can literally be created. And, it is. To this day we print and mint it endlessly. It is just made. We can always generate more money for ourselves. There’s always a side hustle. We can also spend less of it as needed. Saving money here or there. Budgeting ourselves and sticking to it. Money is necessary. There are so many things that could not be done without it. And, yet, there is so much that can. I have had my life turned around many times and not spent a dime. I’m not talking about help from my parents, or from people last year. I’m talking about littler moments. So many times in my life something has come my way to aid in my journey, a gift or a hand me down. Always perfectly timed to accomplish the task at hand. Or, the right moment of opportunity presenting itself. Money is also an illusion, for it has no real value. There is nothing that actually bonds or backs it. It just is. We’ve come to accept that. Money bends itself. Economies fail. People and businesses go bankrupt.

Isn’t that an interesting statement of mankind. We so highly value something that has no real worth. It is man-made. Yet, we so easily disregard the most precious thing in existence. Time began just a moment before The Creation and it will have one last breath following The Destruction.

Anyway, I left at the end of those two hours and headed down into The Valley. It was FaeriePrincess’ Re-Birthday and I was stopping in at The Putters’ to wish her well. I did not stay there long, then headed over to The Cave to take care of a few small things. I just didn’t feel right on Friday. I don’t know what it was. But then, it was The Day After.

Saturday was a little worse. My back was very tender in the morning. So tender that I wasn’t sure how I was going to pull off a 10 hour shift. It got better through the day and the shift wasn’t terribly hard on me. But, the day was here then gone.

Today was nothing special, nor unusual. I had my shift and then came back to The Dormitory and settled in for my next day and a half. I am hoping to have a repeat of last Monday tomorrow. I have so much I want to get done or work on. Sometimes I feel like I have too many tasks to keep up with. It has been a constant thing in my life. I get so many ideas, notions and inspirations and I try to follow each and every one of them. Next thing I know everything becomes more than it was at the start and I find myself overwhelmed.

For instance, I started this whole ‘Self-Exploration’ thing on my Rev. Matt Facebook Page. I like it. I like what it has to offer and where it is going. Personally, I don’t care who you are or how accomplished and satisfied you may feel, there is not a person that can’t benefit from the occasional deep self-exploration. We never know ourselves as well as we think we do. I have dedicated over 20 years to understanding how and why I am who I am. Still, I discover new things about myself quite frequently. Subtle little details, buried deep within.

Anyway, I started it, and I have the next two parts. I just have not had the moment to sit down and write them out.

I have crafts to tend to and things to organize. I have re-sale things to get moving along. I have rituals and practices to follow. I have this project and its many layers to tend to. I have my job and my friends and The Princesses. I started that Bullet Journal and have not been able to return to it since.

I just can’t ever get enough time.

You could give me all of the money in the world and, truly, I wouldn’t know what to do with more than a fraction of a percent of it. But, time…I know what how I would spend all of my time. [If I had it to spend.]

There was some Feedback this week. It wasn’t official, but I feel like it could, and should, be addressed here.

Someone from my past reached out to me. She has been following along in some form or another. Videos, I think. Anyway, she was concerned about me. She mentioned that it was obvious that I have been very deeply hurt in my life.

This is true as I told her. I have been. Very deeply hurt, and for a long time. A lot of it comes back to my family, but certainly not all of it. There have been quite a few people who have cut at my soul over the years.

She then came back with the thought of talking to someone professional. I haven’t read that whole message as of yet. I only saw the notification pop up on my phone. So, I cannot comment properly. But, let me say this.

I’m OK.

No matter what you may think, or see, or hear I am OK. Yes I am hurt. I know this. I am hurt deep and in ways I do not even really understand. That has been The Quest all along. But, I think, all things considered, I am fairly well-balanced. I am happy and content. There are still so many problems facing me, but I am OK. The truth is, despite all that damage, my life has been truly incredible. No one could buy some of the experiences I have had. My memories are rich because my moments have been as well. My life has been touched but some of the most remarkable people…and there isn’t anyone in my life I don’t find to be remarkable.

I know I hurt. I know I am damaged. I do not know to what degrees, nor am I aware of all of the causes. But knowing is the first step. Acknowledging is the second. When I acknowledge the hurt, I take away its power. It no longer controls me, nor dictates my actions and reactions. Instead, I give it life by allowing it expression. I cry so very often. Never for long. Just short little bursts of sadness and tears. 30 seconds or less. And, that’s OK. Why should a moment of great sadness be less than one of great joy or inspiration?

My pain has made me who I am. I don’t always like being me, but I do love who I am. Cuddlebug once described me as, “a good guy who would do anything for anyone.” It’s true. I try to anyway. I have been beaten down so many times in life, by so many different sources. If I can keep someone from feeling that, I will. If I can lift up just one soul, all of that pain was worth it. I felt it and experienced it, so someone else wouldn’t have to. I chose this path, this life. I chose it because I could endure it and survive it. I could transmute it into something better.

I am far from perfect, but I am very OK.

This past year, and all that I experienced has fueled this perception and this peace. My family, unfortunately, was the greatest source of my pain. When I removed myself from that situation I began to heal and life began to transform.

And, now, there is twice the pain. Not only will there never be real closure or resolution to the decades of hurt, but I have lost my entire family. Even The Princesses, it seems sometimes.

But…that is OK. And, so am I.

“You will be broken down to nothing, so that you can be built up stronger.”

-Bar Harbor, Maine. October 1998.

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travellers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.

Cat – Mystery, Magic, and Independence

Goddess Bast, Goddess Freyja, Goddess Shasthi. Study Mouse and Dog as well.

Penguin - Lucid Dreaming and Astral Projection

Reflects an awakening of dream consciousness. Expect to experience lucid dreams. As you change the dream state you also change the same energies that are playing upon you in your own waking life as well. The ability to leave the body. How to consciously go out of the body. Expert at slipping in and out of the body - in full consciousness. Feminine, birth-giving energies. Reflects a greater assertion and expression of that within your life. Very likely to be a two-month period in which you nurture, protect and help hatch your creative energies. Greater awakening in dreams, altered states and creation.

Squirrel – Activity and Preparedness

The gray squirrel is the most common and the most enthusiastic. If confronted the gray squirrel will usually run away and avoid any fight. Predominant predators are foxes and raptors such as hawk or owl. Two litters per year. On their own in 12 weeks. All squirrels can be quite sociable. Individuals with squirrel totem learn better by doing than studying. Squirrels are also quite communicative. Examine your own activity and preparedness. Are you too active? Not active enough? Are not planning at all for the future at all – distant or near? Are you becoming too erratic – running to and fro and not accomplishing anything? Do you need to learn how to save and ration on any level – money, time, energy, etc? Are you afraid you will never have enough? Are you too hung up on collecting and accumulating? Are you gathering and not giving? Squirrels can teach us the balance within the circle of gathering and giving out. Masters at preparing. Also reminders that in our quest for our goals, we should always make time to socialize and play.

Fern – [m.; Mercury; Air] Rain-making, Protection, Luck, Riches, Eternal Youth, Health, Exorcism

Crow - The Secret Magic of Creation is Calling

Magic and creation are potentials very much alive during the day. Alchemy. Represents “ingredients,” the initial state of substance - unformed but full of potential. A reminder of what an happen if we are not looking for magic and creation every day. Magic and creation are ‘cawing’ out to us every day. Health, home and respect. Working with crows can help you to see how the winds are going to blow into your life and how to adjust your own life flights. Finding a dead crow was a sign of good luck. Wherever crows are there is magic. Symbols of creation and spiritual strength. Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life. They are messengers calling to us about the magic that is alive within our world everyday and available to us.

Duck – Emotional Comfort and Protection

Linked to the feminine energies, the astral plane, and to the emotional state of humans. Can remind us to drink from the waters of life as well as to nurture our own emotional natures. Reminding us we can find sustenance in our emotions. May reflect an inability to feel comfortable with most people in your life. It may reflect a need to find comfort in your own element and with those of life mind and spirit. Can remind us that we are going to have such an opportunity. May reflect past-life connections. They can help you to handle your own emotions with greater grace and comfort. Teach you how to maneuver through various waters of life.

Cardinal - Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance

They remind us that, regardless of the time of day or year, we always have the opportunity to renew our own vitality and recognize our own life roles. Whistles are often reminders to listen closely - to pay attention to what is blowing on the winds. Reflects that we should be listening to the inner voice (the feminine) more closely for our own health and well-being. Almost always reflects a need to assert the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly. Can reflect a need to b more careful about your diet, that what you are eating may be injurious to yourself and affecting your overall vitality. Reflects the rhythm of 12 that is going to become more predominant within your own life. Reflects lessons associated with responsibility and the recognition of the task at hand. May reflect past-life connections with the church, or even a reviving of more traditional religious beliefs, regardless of denomination. Remind us to add color to our lives, and remember that everything is of importance.

Goldfinch – Awakening to the Nature Spirits

Black and yellow are the colors of the archangel Auriel. Used to invoke that aspect of this being that oversees the activity of nature spirits – the faeries, elves, and devas. Usually indicates the awakening to the activities of those beings that are normally relegated to the realm of fiction. Can help you to deepen your perceptions so that you can begin to see and experience the activities of the nature spirits yourself. Awakening to that which is normally hidden from view. In those areas where they are found, you can also find the faeries and elves. Can help us connect with those nature spirits that can show us how to heal animals – wild and domestic. A reminder that nature is speaking to us constantly and that we should learn to listen and communicate with it from all levels.

Turtle - Motherhood, Longevity, Awakening to Opportunities

Help unite Heaven and Earth within your own life. Fairy connections. ‘Keeper of The Doors.’ Symbol of the Primal Mother. Long life and grounded was within life. Can teach new perceptions about time ad our relationship with it. The mystery of awakening the senses - physically and spiritually. Stimulates hearing/Clairaudience; Help with vision/Clairvoyance; Develop sense of smell and higher discrimination. Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should? Are you or those around you not using discrimination? A reminder to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets tipsy-curvy. Sometimes Turtle shows up as a totem to help during these times. A reminder to pay attention or you will miss opportunities. A symbol of Mother Earth and that she provides all our needs. Turtle can slow us down to help us see our opportunities. Is our life becoming too hectic? Are we not taking time for ourselves? Are we so busy that we can’t really see what is going on? Are we going too slow and need to pick up the pace a little? Also study Raccoon. Vitamin D/Diet. Link between water and land. Water is the creative source that we can draw on and live in, but we must also come out of it and apply that creativity within the physical world - the land. Also hints at needing to think things through before you act on them. It is time to get connected to your own primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recognize that there is abundance out there for you. It doesn’t have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, Too soon, can upset the balance. Reminds us that all we need for all we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time. Reminds us that the way to Heaven is through the Earth.

Dog – Faithfulness and Protection

Different dogs will mean different things. Examine the qualities of your breed and the individual dog. It takes a lot to break a dog’s spirit. It’s ability to love, even when abused, is tremendous. It’s spirit and willingness to love and to be a companion is great. What is this saying about your need for or lack of companionship? Are you being faithful? Are others around you? Are you showing unconditional love, or receiving it? Do you need to be more protective of your territory? Do you need to play a little more? Does your spirit need bolstering? How about those around you? Examine your territories. Dog knows its own home ground.

Honeysuckle – [m.; Jupiter; Earth] Money, Psychic Powers, Protection

Lion - Assertation of the Feminine and the Power of the Female Sun

Fixed element of Sulphur. Parents are patient and affectionate. Will find those same qualities within. Expect lessons dealing with community and groups to surface. Examine your own role within groups. Do you need to do more than you are? Do you need to be more protective Do you need to cooperate more? Avoids confrontations. Leave the scene of danger if possible. Be stealthy for the greatest success. There will be opportunity to awaken to a new sun. Trust your feminine energies - creativity, intuition, and imagination. Don’t be afraid to roar if you feel threatened or intruded upon.