In Between Weeks

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Yeah, it’s true.

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

My Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, March 1, 2020. Time...Revolving.

Theme - The ‘Limited’ Cycle

I find that, so very often in life, we limit ourselves and the universe itself simply through our thoughts. We think one way about life and that is all we really know. So very often, we can hinder our own progress and process because our thinking may be limited. Limited thinking is the result of limited perspective - The scope of what we see. Limited perspective comes from limited experience. The more we do - the more we engage with life - the more we experience first hand. Those experiences ill shape the scope by which we see the world around us. Limited experiences come from a limited perception - how clearly we see things. Limited perception usually goes hand-in-hand with limited thinking.

Lesson - Don’t Just Choose the Life You Love, Love the Life You Choose

It sounds fairly obvious, I suppose. Still, very often we can stray from the notion. I think we all have chosen the life we want to live. We all have that idea in our heads - who we want to be, what we want to do...how we see it all - the big and the small. But, sometimes we can get distracted by life itself. We see limitations and setbacks. We see all the interferences that get in the way of that life. Whether it is money or time or availability, we see the limitation and latch on to it. Still, there are always things we can do to be putting that life into place - to emulate it, as it were. I read in a course once that if you want to be an artist go someplace where artists hangout and get in the vibe. That’s the kind of thing I am talking about. There is always something we can do to set us, and keep us, on the path to the life we choose. All we have to do is see them through - live the life.

Observation - The Clothes Really Do Make the Man

This isn’t so much a statement about having nice, fancy, or expensive clothing. It is more about attitude, I think. I don’t know why it is of importance, but it is just something I took notice of as I moved throughout these weeks. I have a work uniform. When I put it on I take on a certain state of being - priorities, responsibilities, work. Recently, my uniform changed. I went from the crew tee shirt to the management polo. This shifted my presentation of myself - though just slightly. At The Dormitory, I have comfy clothes I put on for around bedtime or just lounging around. The attitude about them is just mellow and chill. I have clothes to work, clean, get dirty in. I have casual clothes for going out and then I have really casual clothes. I dress one way to spend and evening with my daughters and in a different way to go out on the road for retail merchandising. I dress in particular ways, sometimes, when I am doing ministry work. Each set of clothes [or uniforms] activates different states of being and brings forth a particular vibe or attitude. Again, I do not know why this is a significant Observation at the moment. Perhaps it is just to recognize that There is a Place for Everything and Everything SHould be in Its Place - even with something as insignificant as clothes. A magician can have many robes - one for each kind of working. A mage might have a robe for personal, developmental, work. There may be a robe for healing works. Perhaps a ritual robe for Holi-days. Each is meant to bring focus to the work at hand and to bring forth the energies required. Each is created that way - charged and consecrated for such. Applying this notion to everyday, commonplace, clothes could be just as practical. It is like costuming a character in a show.

Ok, so actually it is Thursday, March 12.

I have had a difficult time getting myself to a point where I felt comfortable sitting down and writing. The past two weeks have been fairly intense - across the board. There have been adventures with The Princesses and happenings at work and developments and happenings. So, where to begin?

The Numbers

We have now come to the end of Week 9 of The Experiment, and have begun Week 10 - The Void. Both of these make sense to me. This past week [or so] has been the most balanced, complete and full week that I have seen in some time. Things got done, things got cleaned - things got reset. There was work time and play time and friend time and daughter time. There was productivity and growth  - both ‘on the clock’ and off.It was the perfect week to precede a Void. All of the laundry is done, including bedding and such. The Dormitory has been [mostly] deep cleaned. The gas tank is full and so is the pantry. Everything has been reset to a [new] starting point. Even at The Job I am making transitions in this coming week - making it The Void of the experience.

Things could start to get a little complex at this point…

WALT: You mean they haven’t been so far?

DOC: Eet’s really not as complex as eet seems.

It’s really not. It has been flowing so naturally and easily so far. However, we are reaching a new level, a new phase. We are still engaged in the original Experiment. We are still following that number pattern. This is Week 10 and next shall be Week 11. But, at 11 we begin a whole new cycle, or pattern, of things. 11 is the Gateway between Now and Next. So, it will be Week 11 of The Experiment, but only be Week 1 of the [new] experience.

You know, I look at these numbers and I think about it - a lot has happened in only 10 [9] weeks.

Also, we have finished Week 5 of The Job. First, it was, “See where things are at 3 weeks.” Things were acceptable at 3 weeks. Before the third week was complete, it was, “Now, see about 6 weeks.”

We are about to enter Week 6 tonight at 1600. This will be my first full and official week on the management track. I have my shoes [yes they came and yes they make a difference.] I have my uniform shirts and name badges. I have talked with the DM and, on paper anyway, it is all official. Pay raises have been submitted and are awaiting approval. It is a whole new game for a while. My schedule could shift a bit. I will start learning paperwork. I will [or should be] learning new things for the next few weeks. Which, to me, is interesting, because before Week 6 was complete, it was, “3-6-9.” So, I am content with 6 weeks. Let us see what brings the Week the 9th.

Now, that that is out of the way, like I said, it has been an intense week and a half. Much has happened and much has shifted.

There was a Full Moon on Monday. Not just any Full Moon, but a Super Moon. So, energies and powers were running rampant and the Moon dictated much of what was to happen. For instance, I needed a new supply of Holy Water. I make that under a Full Moon. Hoagie wanted some Reiki. Also good under the powers of the Moon. But, before we could do the session, The Dormitory needed a deep cleaning. This also would happen under the energies of The Moon.

Monday I was definitely in a haze all day. It’s all really just a blur to me. It came and went so fast. I know I worked on the cleaning in the morning and then in the evening I took the Princesses to our bi-weekly dinner. I was able to see the Moon rise as I made the drive home. I was at peace on Monday.

I was Spiritually High.

[An interesting side note on the cleaning and cleansing that happened at The Dormitory this week - I have cleaned every week since I have been here. I have also done a cleansing each week. However, this was the first time that Hoagie had done a deep cleaning at his end. Plus, we had the Reiki session on Tuesday night. I thought it was interesting that the moment Spike set foot in the apartment on Wednesday night he commented on how clean it was. It was, noticeably, any cleaner than it has been on any other weekly visit. I think he naturally picked up on the good and positive energies that were floating about.]

I am having a hard time deciding what and how to write. I am feeling the need for some sort of a format change - which I believe is inspired by the beautiful job Wisconsin has done with formatting her own blog. So, I am juggling in my head, as I write, what I would like things to look like eventually. Or how I want things broken down. This writing, in particular, is difficult for such a thing. I basically have two weeks worth of activities to report. I stopped writing last Tuesday morning and I have not been back to it since. So, there is a lot in my head that I would like to touch on.

I think I have covered all the major, yet underlying forces - The Numbers, The Moon. Of course, Totems will come after. [I think that is always fun.] There are a great number of powerful energies on the air right now. There are shifts and changes and healing and growth all around. This is what the world is going through - as individuals and a global force. Let’s talk random stuff for a moment. All of the little things that happen along the way that pique my curiosity or require my attention.

The Miscellany

First and foremost, because it is on my mind all the time, I really must figure out how to get the gas tank replaced on The MattMobile. I believe I am running out of time on my ‘Safety Net.’ Sooner, more likely, than later it will be a problem that stops me in my tracks. I would love if I could fix the problem before it comes to that point. It is easy to think that I have a job and a steady income now and I can save up for it. That is true. However, I am not sure I can save enough in the time I have left before it is a problem. [There is another factor involved, but more on that later.] The smell of gasoline from the car is just way to potent some days. I am losing gas but not at an alarming rate. Still, it is frustrating and challenging some days. Albeit little by little it is literally draining my wallet.

I had a random moment with Loch Ness, of the Putter clan, at some point in these weeks. It caught my attention and it lends itself to the Limited Cycle discussed previously. We came across each other in the Putter’s Workshop. Eventually we took to small talk and she asked how the job was. This wasn’t so much what caught me off guard. It was the next statement.

“It’s nice to have a paycheck, isn’t it? I like getting a paycheck.”

That.

That right there is where things went askew for me.

That is what had me taking another look at the moment.

I realized, it seemed to me, that she was talking to me as if I haven’t had paychecks [or maybe in her mind, not for a long time.] But, that is not true. I have had many paychecks over the years. I had The Coffee Place...twice. I had The Theatre for over a year. I’ve had The Seasonal Store three seasons in a row now. In all of those, never once did we ever discuss ‘paychecks’ before. Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that all of those paychecks came with jobs. I have had many jobs over the years. Like I said, I was at The Theatre for over a year, and twice in that time I was working two jobs at once. Never once before has she asked me how a job was.

It makes me wonder, just what is it about this that makes it so much more real for other people.

Granted, it is the first time in years that I have had a very steady and reliable paycheck. I get that. I am well aware of it and trying to make the most of it while I can. But I have had paychecks and jobs before. Why suddenly is it such a big deal in people’s minds that they say things such as this to me? Why do they behave as if I have no clue what it means to work or get paid or have bills?

I have not only been dealing with such things for a long time, but I have also run my own businesses and encountered income and expenses from that. No one ever asked me how JustUs Productions [The Video Company] was going. Not once over those four years did anyone ask how the work was or how it felt to get money from the work done. I’ve been working as a wholistic practitioner for 20 years. I have done weddings and funerals and Workshops and classes. I have read cards all over the country, and in such random circumstances. I have been doing Reiki clients, including long distance. No one has ever expressed interest in the work or the pay.

I worked for over a year as an employee for several Retail Merchandising companies. My mother didn’t even realize I was working. Why? I can only guess, because she didn’t see what she thought of as work or a job. So, she didn’t pay attention to what she did see.

I have realized that has been the case with so many people in my life. Most of them, the ones who should be the closest to me. No one saw what they thought they should be seeing. But, no one ever asked, nor engaged, in what was right before their eyes.

The didn’t see what they thought they should’ve seeing [Perception,] so they simply thought they knew what was what.

It’s frustrating. Perhaps it even hurts a little.

I have spent all of these years having negative feelings towards my life. I thought it wasn’t enough. I thought it was all for naught. But, it was my life and I was living it the best that I could. I became distanced from all of these people and at times they would hold my life against me. Occasionally, it would be blurted out in the heat of some moment or another, but more often it was whispers behind the back that they thought went unheard.

All this time I wrestled with myself - what is it that could be wrong with me? All I wanted was good. All I was doing was trying to make something of what I had to work with. Still, as time went on my family and my closest friends became more and more dismissive and condescending. They stopped engaging completely. I did nothing and anything I did was frivolous anyway. That is how they treated me.

I realize now that I wasn’t the one with the problem. Don’t get me wrong. I have never been perfect in my path. I have had my issues and my things to work through. I have made poor decisions and bad choices. I have had moments of complete defeat where I had no motivation towards anything.

But the mindset that I was doing nothing or that I was wrong in what I was doing was not mine. It was theirs. I was just carrying it with me. That is on me. But it is their own limited experience of things that give them the limited perception they have of me...and therefore their thoughts are limited as well.

It’s a shame really. Financially, I have had a poor life. But, it has been so rich and abundant and blessed for two decades. Through the good, the bad and the indifferent it has been rich and abundant and blessed. These people have had it right before them for years. They have had all of it at their fingertips and never once did they want to touch it, or know it. They wanted to judge and criticize what was not instead of coming to know and understand what was. That is not my fault. Nor, is it my problem. It is theirs. It makes my soul weep just a little for them.

I did encounter Miss Stephanie and Young Master Benjamin again. It was not this past Tuesday, but last Tuesday at the laundromat. It was precisely when I said it would happen. Unfortunately, I think I may have made her nervous. I don’t handle situations well in the first place, add to it that this has now become some sort of spiritual something or other and I was just on the fritz.

I engaged her once more, but did not stop to remind her that we had met two weeks prior. I didn’t think about it. I remembered them. I forgot that she probably did not remember me. Still, I said hello and even left her with a bottle of bubbles for Master Benjamin. It was awkward, I think, for both of us. But, it was there and it was meant to be there. I did not see them this week. I do not think that was the last we will meet.

There is something special about them.

In Use

I mentioned in some previous writing, or another, that I am finding that more and more I am using things I have learned along the way. These are the things I am aware of.

The Bag - This came to me on my first Quest. I needed a ‘Go’ bag. I needed to be able to park my car and take with me whatever I needed for the day. I have used The Bag ever since. I currently have it at my feet, packed and ready to go with anything I might need for a day on the road - my journals, a checkbook, pens and such, this keyboard,etc. And, there is a Just Enough room to add or customize for the day. It keeps me organized and the important parts of my life are always at arms reach. I even have a small file folder in there for carrying documents I may need, or that I need to keep regular track of.

The Lists - I have always said Write it Out. My best life is always lived by lists. I currently have a tablet full of lists. The List of Lists. It has my life broken down into its different areas - the ministry, the crafting, the job, the whatever. Each category has a list. There is an overall general To-Do list as well as a list of To Gets. Again, I have used lists for a long time. I have just never been consistent with them. I have been more consistent lately. I have been adding to each list as the days go on. I have been sitting down with the lists on an [almost] weekly basis. I have a system and routine for working with them. That is something else I have been using a lot lately.

Systems & Routines - You’ve seen me mention these before. Systems & Routines Save the World. It’s true. I have been very systematic with so many things lately. For instance, when I clean, I always clean from one end of the apartment to the kitchen and then the bathroom. I do this so I can use [mostly] just one cloth for glass and surfaces and one for the floor. The other end of the apartment is just a tv and some pictures. Then the kitchen gets a little dirtier and adds some greasy. Of course, the bathroom is the least sanitary. So, I do the sink and then the tub and the very last thing is the toilet and the cloths go in the wash. We have two garbage cans in the apartment. One in the bathroom and one in the kitchen. They are about the same size. I keep liners in both of them. When the kitchen needs to be replaced, I pull the one from the bathroom and put it in and then put a new one in there. The bathroom one hardly gets any trash. This way whatever trash does go in there doesn’t sit for a long time until the bag is ready to be changed.

Both of these things are managing my resources, but also, keeping things as healthy and sanitary as possible. It is a system that works.

I have also been more routined in my day to day life - eating and drinking water and doing my practices and devotions. The routine of The Job has been helping as well. It has kept me grounded and I hope as things shift, the schedule can maintain some of what it has developed. It keeps me very routined.

Long ago I had the thought - Think Like a College Student, Live Like a King. I have seen it in action many times over the past few weeks. I am managing my finances and eating cheap and getting things done in make shift ways. I am not attached to anything being a specific way, I just want things to be. [I’m really not sure I am describing the mindset properly or clearly.] I guess the point is, I eat cheap...but I eat and I never go hungry. I am satisfied with my meals. Our coffee maker stopped working. I am currently boiling water in a tea kettle [which turned out to be almost as expensive as a cheap coffee maker. If I had only known that upfront.] It doesn’t bother me that this is how I have to make my coffee each day. [And, I make a lot of coffee in a day.] It gets the job done and I am satisfied with the coffee. I am content in the experience.

Take Care of the Shop and the Shop Will Take Care of You. This is another one I say frequently. I have been adamant lately about keeping things neat and clean and in order. I have been fixing things and adjusting as I go. I have seen great change in my life - across the board - over these past several weeks. I am also watching Hoagie go through his own process of healing and transformation. It works...Take Care of the Shop and the Shop Will Take Care of You.

WALT: It’s all very Feng Shui, Dude.

That it is.

The Spirit

This is definitely a whole different plane of existence in my life. There is everything else and then there is Spirit. Of course, Spirit encompasses so much of who I am and what I do. Here are the things I have noticed lately on the spiritual level.

I have been experiencing a lot of Deja Vu. I’m not even sure that that is an accurate term. It’s not so much that I feel as though I have lived the moment before. It’s more just that I have seen it. But, I’m not sure what feeling sets in first - the feeling that I have seen it before [be it in vision or meditation or Dreamtime,] or the feeling that it is so right. They go hand in hand lately. I have these moments when I just feel like everything is so very precisely where and how it belongs. At the same time, I seem to get a flash that I knew it would be what it is.

Across the board my spiritual experiences have been growing - in frequency and in power. I recently started working a Middle Pillar Exercise. It has been very potent since the first day. But, last week, it came to me as I soaked in my tub. It reminded me of the one and only time that a tarot card came to me in a dream.

I have been feeling very connected to Spirit lately. Very guided and comfortable and safe. It is both uplifting and frightening. The truth is, some days, I feel like I am struggling, mentally, to balance the spiritual experiences with the physical living. They are two ends of the same spectrum but they can function so very differently.

The Job has been helping with this. As I said, it keeps me very grounded. With my current schedule it has been very much 4-5 days of focus on work and work alone, doing whatever I can along the way. Then I end up with 2-3 days off i a. Row to just float and dope along, doing my thing.

Two completely different lives happening simultaneously.

The Process

There has been a plan. Since getting The Job, there has been a plan. At first, I was very frustrated because I was having trouble activating that plan. I was no longer able to get out and about to pick up the random jobs. I was not organized, nor prepared, enough to be working on crafting. The Tarot and Reiki had subsided. The plan was to Mae more money and keep these things in play. I was getting nowhere with it.

Even in the last week, it has somewhat blown up in my face. Last Wednesday I was off. I had planned on doing some work at The College and I figured I would pick up an extra gig along the way. There were mrs available but I didn’t know what the job fully entailed and I didn’t want to overburden myself. That never works out well. I’m glad because it was a difficult job and in any other store it would have taken forever to get done. In fact, even in this store, I did not get it right.

Here, I went out on a limb - trying to hold true to the vision I received - and the job got declined. That is the first time in years that a job has gotten declined from any contractor. Here, I thought I was making myself some extra money and all I did was waste my time. Or, did I? It was a reminder that I need to be calculated and focused when doing those jobs. I cannot do many of them on the fly. Some I can. But, most need focus and time. To me, this was a message that when I do get back to doing these jobs I must make sure that I give them dedicated and to use time/effort.

I did do the work at The College, but I wasn’t there nearly as long as I had anticipated. Again, I thought I was going to be make X amount of extra funds and I hardly made any. In truth, in the end, I made none. The amount was so inisgnifcant to me that I ended up donating the time to the department. I figured, for all the department has been to me over the years and all that Rox has done for me, it was the least I could do.

So, as far as actually making the extra money, things have been rough and slow going. It was frustrating. But, I shifted my both my perspective and my perception. I stopped looking at the bigger picture and the ultimate Goal. I started focusing on the now. I stopped thinking about what I couldn’t do and started taking care of the things I could do.

I may not be making the extra money that I would like, but slowly and surely, I have been setting myself up to do so successfully. [I believe.] My life has gotten organized. Every area of it has become functional once more. The workshop is straightened out and ready for work. My ministry stuff, including my reiki table, has all made its way back into my direct possession. I have all of my important files and folders and papers. My life is slowly coming back together.

This was apparent in littler things this week. I make just a little bit of progress, in all areas, each week. Soon, all of the little details will be taken care of and managed. Then, I can begin the real works.

The Job

This is what it is and since I don’t really know what it is, I will leave it at that.

For now, what it is, to me, is a means to an end. It is a job like any other job. It is something that I am doing to fund my life and get done what I need to get done. It is but a piece of a much larger puzzle.

Overall, it has been going well and I get along with almost everyone. There is The Punk, who is newly deemed a manager, and then there is the other young manager. Now this gentleman and I don’t really have any outward difficulties, but we are still awkward with each other.

The Punk, however, is a completely different story. We do have our outward problems and just about everyone is aware of them. It turns out, I’m not the only one who doesn’t care for him. Nonetheless, it is what it is and I will deal with it all the best that I can. We had a slight blowout last week - in front of the RM and AM. It was handled. It was discussed. It was dismissed. But, it also sets the stage for more potential problems along the way. For instance, tonight when I close with him. We shall see what comes to pass.

I don’t hate The Job. Truth is, I am quite enjoying it. It is something that is up my alley. It constantly moves and there is always something to do. Then there is the daily challenge of low service times, good food and a clean restaurant. I enjoy the challenge.

Still, I know it is only temporary. It is but a passing thing. I don’t know what that means ,nor how long this actually goes on. I only know it is what it is and it will end when it is time.

The Finances

This is one of those areas in my life that has always been challenging and it is still quite frustrating. It has been a process rebuilding. I have had challenges and difficulties and unexpected things along the way. I realize, of course, that this is just how it goes. Life - it happens.

I do know this and that is why I have been doing my best to juggle it all. It was not just a matter of building up some cash flow again. I was coming to a point where I needed to start replacing things in all areas of my life - body wash and toothpaste and deodorant and glue for projects and supplies for holy water and cleaning products and food and gas. Everything was low. Bills were behind. Debts were mounting.

Little by little, with each pay, I have been straightening that out. I have been budgeting myself. [Another list.] With each pay I project what I think I am going to spend - bills, expenses, debt, etc. his has also included trying to establish Systems & Routines - such as actually saving some money or the bi-weekly dinners with The Princesses.

In the last week, something else shifted. It happened due to odd circumstances, but it happened. I had been thinking about it and wanting to put it into motion and then it happened all on its own. I have four different accounts for my money. There is my bank account and my Paypal and now my account for payday. Each has a card with it. I also have my ‘Cash Account’ which is comprised of both my wallet and a small lock box. At one point, all of these things were mostly empty. I had nothing. Suddenly, each account has just a little bit in it. There are some dollars in PayPal - remnants of finances that were before. The bulk of what I have is in my bank account. I have been leaving money in my pay account to act as savings. My wallet has about ten dollars in it and there are even some funds in the lock box. I believe it is nothing more than spare change, a dollar that I always keep there and laundry money for next week. Still, it is there.

As I continue to move and grow, my next challenge is to be able to give Hoagie some money each week. It is not a significant amount but it will suffice, for both of us, for the moment. He never asked me for money. It was first discussed when I was going to work at The Distributor. I wanted to be able to give him something for letting me stay here and to help him with his own struggles. Of course, The Distributor didn’t work out. It took another several weeks before I was working and making money and even then I was making about $240 less a week than I was going to at The Distributor.

My whole plan was based on that income. The point there being that it has been difficult. I am not working with what I thought I had to be working with and there have been plenty of surprises along the way. But, I am still seeing that plan through. It is just taking longer and requiring more manipulation than before.

I am getting my bills on track. I am slowly taking care of debts accrued. I am sa in money and taking care of business of all sorts. I am even having time with The Princesses. Little by little, with each pay, I make improvements. Within two pays I should be running at full speed. By then all of my pay raises will be in affect. All of my deductions will be balanced out. I will have my systems and routines established. And, I will have a base from which to work.

It is at that time that I must begin to focus on other things. There are currently 3 priorities. Obviously, doing something about The MattMobile is one of them. That is a hefty investment to replace the tank...but even more of one to replace the car. Of course, sooner or later, I need to figure out where and how I am living. But that is a little out of my scope at the moment.

The other thing that is a financial priority is a weekend away with The Princesses. It must happen. I can feel it in my soul. I know it must happen and I know when it must happen. I know that it will happen. I just don’t know how I afford it, especially with the gas tank thing in play.

All of these things take us towards May and that was the second marker - Beltane.

Big ‘D’

Needless to say, this is an issue, an area, of my life. Unfortunately, I do not believe it is one that is healing or getting better.

We had the email exchanges. I had explained my feelings and opened up to her, explaining that for 20 years I lived under her roof and she knows nothing about what has happened to me in that time. She did write back and it was brief and cursory, at best. She brought up none of the things I had marked as important - important enough to impact our ability to have a relationship. After someone pointed out that she may have been opening up in her own way, I sent another email acknowledging such but stressing again that I need to know there is some understanding.

I have not heard anything back since.

I stopped to see Craze this week and she was there. I only saw her briefly and there was no real conversation. She told me a story about Sunshine and cleaning up. But, that was it. She never asked how I was doing or what was going on or how the job was - nothing. In fact, the conversation came around to Craze only having 2 shows this summer and I mentioned that I want to go to the one and I want to be kept up on the date. I know she already has the date, and, if I know her, she has it memorized. But, that is when she got up and left the room and that was the last I saw her.

Now, my dad’s sister passed away this week and I did get an actual text from Big ‘D’ letting me know. This is significant because that is the first text either of us has sent to the other in a year. I didn’t even have her number in my phone any more. So, maybe, that is a change in the right direction. Still, I had to pick my mail up at the neighbor’s. She didn’t just hold it until I came to visit, or let me know I had some there to come pick up. Instead, it was taken to the neighbor’s, making them responsible for getting it to me. Also, when I took some things from The Cave, I noticed there was more of my stuff in there. Apparently, she and Boom-Dee-Aye are cleaning out the house [but only everyone else’s stuff. Their stuff never gets cleaned out.] Some of it was stuff that actually belonged to the girls - a poster of Shiva that was given to them and a mandala I had copied while in prison. Maybe they don’t want those things anymore. Or, maybe that was determined for them. I figure, it was spiritually oriented stuff so it was just assumed it was mine. There was a bag full of clothes. They must have cleaned out my old dresser. My CD collection was in there. I was glad of this because I was missing some of my music, but, again, I had given those to the girls so they could expand their music interests.

For someone who stated [to other people] that if I wanted to come back all I had to do was ask, for someone who made stipulations to my coming back [stipulations that I am meeting actually] she sure is doing a good job of eliminating my presence at Old Geistopia. But, this is what it has come to.

This is the relationship she chooses to have. It hurts. It’s upsetting. I think it is a shame that this is how a family must be. But, I have done everything and anything I can think of to try to make amends. This relationship is her choice. It is what she wants from it. So, this is all there can ever be.

I think it’s sad, also, because that means no more Old Geistopia. I believe that property, and the house, have so much potential [especially magickally] and it will never be tapped.

The Princesses

I want to take a moment to touch on my baby girls. I not only had dinner and adventure with them this past Monday but last Tuesday I was fortunate enough to accompany Sunshine to a school event. We had an adventure that night as well.

I miss my daughters. I miss them terribly. I want so badly to give them a better, more free, life than anything they have known so far. I am just so far from doing that. So, I try to make moments for them. Such as the dinner or going away for a weekend.

They used to be so open and in tune. They are now at the age when we begin to forget. I don’t want them to lose the magic or the Spirit.

We have so much fun together and I believe it is as good for them as it is for me.

Overall, I would say things are good. I am still a little anxious - mostly because nothing is truly concrete or solidified in my life. I’m still drifting in a void and trying to figure out how to put it all together.

It is uncomfortable and it is uneasy. But, whatever is happening is right and it is working. Slowly. Little by little. But it is working.

I still see great things ahead. I just don’t know how they happen.

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travellers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

TOTEMS:

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill.

Heron - The Call of The Quest andTravels to Legendary Places.

Reflects a stimulation of the childhood thrill and belief in legendary places. [The story(s) we most loved in childhood often reflect the life quest we have come to take upon us in this lifetime.] Can also aid in communication especially through the use of stories. Individuals wishing to write can facilitate the process by working with a goose totem. It will stimulate the creative process and help to move through creative blocks. Also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. May reflect a need for more vegetables in the diet. An ability to move forward or backward. Reflects movement. A call to the spiritual quest. It reminds us that as any one individual makes his or her quest, it becomes easier for others to do so as well. We should not undertake any quest in life without having a full view of what it entails. Opening to new possibilities. Affix ourselves to a new path. Great fertility that should be acted upon if growth is desired. Greater vision, physical and spiritual, will occur. Can reflect that you are about to break free from old childhood restraints and begin to come into your own. You can expect to have the imagination stirred toward new travels and distant places - whether in the body or in the mind.

Raven - Magic, Shapeshifting, and Creation.

Bird of birth and death; mysticism and magic. Messenger of the great spiritual realm. Bring forth life and order. Can help you shape shift your life or your being. Knowledge of how to become other ‘animals’ and how to understand their language. Teach how to stir the magic of life without fear. Strong creative life force. Can be used to enter The Void and stir energies to manifest what you most need. Expect Magic. Somewhere in your life, magic is at play. Activates the energy of magic, linking it with your will and your intentions. Teaches how to take that which is unformed and give it the form you desire.

Vulture - Purification - Death and Rebirth - New Vision.

A guardian to the mysteries of life and death and the road of salvation. A coming time when you will be noticed more for what you do than how you appear. You will probably start to see auras and energies around people and things. Distributing one’s energy so that gravity does not weigh and hold one down - be it the actual gravity of the earth or the gravity of mundane situations and experiences. Associated with higher forms of discrimination. Assist you in developing your own sense of ‘smell’ that you can use effectively in all areas of your life. Aromatherapy. Changes in the digestive system. Pay attention to how you feel physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually after eating various foods. Acting rather than talking. May take as much as three months before an individual begins to truly move past the death stage to rebirth. A promise that the suffering of the immediate was temporary and necessary for a higher purpose was at work. Reflects that no matter how difficult the life conditions, rescue is imminent in your life.

Horse - Travel, Power, and Freedom

Associated with burial rites and birth. Associated with appeal and persuasiveness. Symbols of freedom. Powers of divination. Can express the more magickal side of humans. Can represent movement and travel, or maybe it showed up to help you with movement. Symbol of desire - especially sexual. May be time to examine aspects of travel and freedom in your life. Feeling constricted? Need to move on or let others move on? Time to assert your freedom and your power in new areas? Doing your part to assist civilization in your environment? Are others? Are you Yo outing what this civilization has given you. New journeys. Teach you how to ride into new directions to awaken and discover your own freedom and power.

Fox - Feminine Magic of Camouflage, Shapeshifting and Invisibility.

New world opening up. The process of creation is beginning. Guide to enter the Faerie Realm. Unless a male can recognize the magic of the feminine - in himself or others - and learn to use it to Shapeshifting his own life, it will ultimately lead to destruction. The Kundalini, and the freeing of the creative life force. Practicing and using camouflage. Working to blend in with surroundings, to come and go unnoticed, moving silently about without revealing your intentions. Learning to control the aura. Adjust its frequency and intensity so that you harmonize more with others. Levels of energy and fertility. If the focus stays on the creative energies, any sharp turn in the individual’s life will be handled with ease. Fox people have the ability to insulate themselves from anything that may seem cold, especially in relationships. Can appear larger than they are - for personal protection or for making greater impressions. Establish a trotting pace. Ability to move into new directions. Call upon new resources instinctively. Excellent ability to hear what is not being said. The ability to hear spirit. Size people up accurately. Develop the ability to see spirit. Aromatherapy. Awakening of the Kundalini. Higher forms of discrimination and discernment. Capture any prize.