S2:EP16 -The 2019 Chronicles: Another 1,001 Thoughts

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. 

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Yeah, it’s true. 

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co. 

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Looch

The Bassett Hound 

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

Good Man Charlie Brown

The Rox

CCPA

The PA F&AM

PDT

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Spirit

All The People in ‘My Neighborhood’

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

My Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous. 

It is…Monday, October 14, 2019. Time...Fleeting.

Theme of the Week – No Smoking

Lesson of the Week – Get Grounded

Observation of the Week - The Deeper You Go the Less You Know

So...last Saturday was pretty intense, huh?

WALT: Yeah. I’d say that’s one word for it. 

Dude, I haven’t even gone back and looked at it. 

WALT: I suggest that you don’t.

I wasn’t really planning on it. 

DOC: Not yet anyvay. Vun day you fill have to. 

Why you always gotta be so smart?

DOC: It’s vhy I’m here. 

WALT: He’s kinda got you there. 

Yeah, I guess. I mean, someone’s got to be the brains of this operation. 

So, anyway, let’s talk about Saturday. It was a rough day. It was a very difficult, raw and real video. 

But then...that’s my job, isn’t it? I mean, that’s the whole point of the project. It’s the name of it - Welcome to my Life. My life is not always bright and sunny. There are some very harsh moments, and, more often than not, I go through them alone. And, usually, I can pick myself up, brush myself off, and move forward without missing much of a beat. Most would be none the wiser. [Always Matthew, The Happy, tripping, and laughing, along.]

Admittedly, Saturday is probably the roughest breakdown I have had. I said as much in the video. I was to a point that even I couldn’t fathom. In fact, it was so deep and strong that it would have me searching for answers outside myself later on. 

Before I get to that journey, or any of the other number of thoughts, I want to make an Observation about Saturday’s video. I realize we all perceive things differently, but I took note of two things in doing that video. Now, remember, I get into a zone for doing the videos. I prep and gear up. Once I start I am just rolling. I don’t always remember what happens along the way. In this respect, it is no different than when I do Reiki, or a reading, or whatever other form of channeling I may take on along the way. 

Two things stood out to me on Saturday. First, I was already struggling at the beginning of the video, but I was able to keep catching myself and push through. In fact, I was able to get enough of a grip on things just long enough to address official WTML ‘business.’ It was only after that, when the important things were done, that I completely fell apart. 

Personally, I think this demonstrates a great deal of self-determination and strength on my part. I don’t like pointing it out. [That’s a whole other “I amaze me” situation right there.] But, I feel like, for other people’s sake it should be pointed out. No matter what was to come next, there was enough of me left to do what absolutely needed to be done. 

There usually is. 

The second thing that stuck out to me was the ending. After all of the chaos and breaking, I made a riddle, a rhyme. I even commented on it. The whole point to the riddle was that I would be ok. Have no fear. I will prevail, for I always do. My comment on the rhyme was that I obviously was not as broken as I felt because I could still riddle and rhyme. 

Over the years, I have found that riddles and rhymes are how Spirit most often likes to talk to, and through, me. I would have to say that some of the most important messages have come through in that way. So, if, after all of that, I was still able to channel a rhyme, then I was doing just fine. 

When it was all over and the dust had settled, as I said, I began to look outside of myself for answers and understanding. The reason for this was because the information was all too much at the time. So many thoughts and so many questions and so much life just running through my mind. I couldn’t set through it properly. It was like trying to work through a tangled web of thought. Everything interconnected and one thought led to another to another and suddenly there were just more questions than there were answers. 

I’m not sure that I could even do that thought process any justice. Perhaps in a moment we will try. But, something that intense always has influences beyond what is right before our eyes. 

My first thought was that I would certainly find answers in the sky. I looked at the Planetary alignments for Saturday morning. I have but a passing and cursory knowledge of Astrology, but my innate understanding was enough to see certain patterns and influences at play. I could not give them any deep interpretation, but I can certainly give them a nod of affirmation. 

I even looked at the Numerology of the day. It was a 9 Day. Doc...you wanna fill us in?

DOC: Nine is a number of completion, of totality. It is the last place before The Void and The Cycles of Advancement. Something is ending, so that something else can begin. 

Hmmm.

As I began to look at the day and where it fell in things I discovered something. October 5th put me smack dab in the middle of the Ten Days of Awe, or The Ten Days of Repentance. This is a Jewish observation, and one that Divinity shoved down my throat a few years ago. 

I try to take my Holy Days and Observations seriously. Or, at least, as seriously as I can. I acknowledge them because they have come to mean something to me. They have come to mean something to me because they have proven themselves to be true to me. For instance, Imbolc. Imbolc falls on the first of February. (Some may say the second.) Imbolc, is the beginning of Spring. It is the rebirth or regeneration of life in nature. It is around Imbolc when certain animals begin to lactate.

For twenty years, my life has slowed down - sometimes to a complete halt - in January. And, nothing begins to pick up or change until after Imbolc. I do not try for this. I rarely even think about it until it is already happening. Still, it happens, every single year.  [Come to think of it, this year was no different. Not in the patterns anyway. But the Newness after Imbolc was very different.]

[And, now, my thoughts begin to derail as I write on and on. I think about February and what happened. I think about what has happened since, and it all gets me to wondering if this isn’t maybe some sort of residual effect [affect? Damnit!] from The Occurrence in December. In some ways, my experiences this year have answered the call and given me a sense of hope and belief in myself. In some ways, they have served only to dampen my spirits further and make me wonder if I really belong here at all. ]

But, anyway...even Yule has proven itself to me to be, not only the most magickal time of the year, but a time of giving and receiving. It happens naturally and of its own accord. What we receive in that time is always what we need for the year ahead, and likewise, what we give should offer the same gift. 

The Ten Days of Awe are no different. A few years ago I found myself going through things that I just could not explain or rationalize in any way. So, I looked deeper. In my research I discovered that everything was taking place around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Everything that I was going through could be traced back to their energies and teachings. I accepted then that, for whatever reason, Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur, and The Ten Days of Aw in between, are all very important to me. I’m not sure why exactly, but they are. And, they have been present in my Journey every year since whether I like it or not...just like Imbolc. 

And, so begins the torment. Right there. In all of that. 

This is how my life works. I cannot escape it. I have never been able to escape it. From the first moment I stuck my head down the Rabbit Hole it has only gotten deeper and deeper. I am constantly under the influence of things I cannot explain or understand. Holy Days and Planets and Angels and Demons and a slew of G-d knows what else. 

Other people, for example. I am an empath. It took me way too much of my life to really accept that, but it is who I am and it only gets stronger as I age. This leaves me susceptible to the energies, thoughts, and emotions of others. It is what makes me a good Reader and a good Healer. But it also leaves me very vulnerable. There are ways around this and things one can do. When I was at Old Geistopia I was able to come home and shake it off, purge it all out. Life no longer affords me these luxuries. 

I only mention this because someone had a breakdown to me on Friday. Someone in my life who has always been strong and a rock in my presence, just completely fell apart. It is my job to take that stuff in, transmute it, and return it to the world. It’s how I work. That’s what all of my healing sessions are. So, I took it in. For all I, or any of us know, Saturday morning was a side effect of the transmutation. 

And, the thoughts begin again. 

This is my life. 

This. 

All of this unknowable, untouchable stuff. This is my life. It happens to me daily. It has permeated every facet of my being. It has left me trying to build a normal life in an abnormal existence. 

The Shaman says that my trouble is that I think I’m normal...and I’m not.

Honestly, I don’t even know what the hell that means. But, at the same time, I know he’s not wrong. 

So...what am I supposed to do with that? How exactly does one move forward from such a realization?

But then, I have contrary statements and attitudes in my life. The Pillar always likes to ‘remind’ me just how much I amaze myself. The notion has driven me quite crazy really. 

Do I?

I don’t know. I try not to. I mean, I try not to feel too good about things and I certainly hate the word ‘Proud.’ I don’t know if I amaze myself, because no matter what may come out of my mouth I know that I do nothing. I am nothing. I am just a guy doping along. But Life…Life is truly amazing. It blows my mind constantly. 

And...my struggles begin. I start to review my life - everything I have seen, where I have been, what has happened to me. It has been…*deep breath. Sigh.* I don’t even have a word for it. 

And then the frustration. 

It has been incredible, but it has left me dying in my own existence. It has not lifted me up. It has sustained me, but it has never put me ahead. But, it has sustained me, time and time again, even in the worst of circumstances. It carried me through prison, even got me out early. It’s kept me surviving for the last 8 months. (Interesting number.) 

[Isn’t it though.]

I have lost friends, my own family, because of this life. More often than not, it has been because they think they know what they see. But, I assure you, more goes on behind the curtain than you know. My life before you is an illusion. It is a translation of my spiritual existence into a mundane one - a transmutation of the metaphysical to the physical. 

Here’s a good example of that, and a story I don’t often tell. 

When Encyclopedia was living in Hazleton I would visit him every couple of weeks. Through an arrangement I was keeping some stuff there and at the same time helping him, for lack of a better term, design his life. This happened in a Divine way on its own and is not important at the moment. 

But, we had been under arrangements long before that. [Only, Encyclopedia didn’t really know.] A few years prior, Encyclopedia expressed to me, in private, how he thought he'd like to be a minister. I watched as our experiences together would lead him closer and closer to The Rabbit Hole. I realized that I was already here to answer his request, before he had even made it. 

We would have many discussions and even some quests along the way. It was touch and go for a long time. Encyclopedia never really liked to push his boundaries of comfort. Still, he wanted to know. He wanted to know so badly that, inevitably, he would cross paths with The Shaman who would pull back the veil before him. Of course, it wasn’t too long after that that Encyclopedia would leave my life, never to be heard from again. Sometime between those two moments, I believe, is when our story takes place. 

I was visiting Encyclopedia as was routine. And, as per routine, I was doing things around his house. This particular day I was cleaning and organizing. Now, it is only fair to preface this with the understanding that for me cleaning is an ART. For me it is very spiritual and usually includes a cleansing as well. 

Nonetheless, I got into my spiritual groove and set about task. In that session, I organized his bookshelf on the second floor. I took it apart and put it back together like the puzzle that it was. I did this in my ‘Zone.’ The very same ‘Zone’ I described earlier in regards to the videos or readings. I just turned off consciousness and let the rest flow. 

When I was done with the bookshelf it left a pretty clear message. I can’t remember the exact wording, but the gist of it was pretty much, “I know what you did.” It was spelled out with the books, right there in the middle of the middle shelf. It was literally like a display, very purposefully done. I gave it its nod of affirmation and moved on. 

Later, when Encyclopedia would find it, he would also flip out on me. It wasn’t about rearranging his books. It was about the message in the middle. “I saw what you did, what you left there.” 

He thought it was for him. 

It wasn’t. It was for me. 

You see, just a short time before that, perhaps on my previous visit, I had done something questionable. It was my own thing and I wasn’t sure of it at the time but I followed through, maybe out of ego. Perhaps out of desperation. Still, I did it, and the Universe let me know that it knew...and that I was wrong. The message was for me. That’s how I interpreted it. I never gave him a thought in that moment. I accepted the message and just let it where and how it was. 

[I never did ask him just what it is he thought I knew that he did.]

I suppose it’s true. My life has been far from normal. More often than not, it has been Divine. In all honesty, I am as The Lord has made me. I’m not talking about in my mother’s womb either. I mean that me, today, is exactly what Divinity has forged me into. 

In the Spring of 1996 I would be Slain - dropped to the floor, passed out, for several hours, and my life began to shift. 

On October 31, 1997, I would devote and dedicate myself to Divinity, in whatever form I was acknowledging at the time, and my life would begin to change. 

Late September 1998 I would leave for my first Quest. I would return, early and unexpected in October and before the month was out I would experience ‘My Death,’ and life would officially never be the same again. 

And, what has it done for me really? I have many wonderful stories, which I guess I’m supposed to put into a book [or so they say] but when...how? 

I’ve been down many paths, been shown and learned many things from crafting to secrets of the Universe. But what has it done or me?

I've learned to craft but no longer have a workshop or tools. I learned to read and heal and have no space from which to work.

I learned to read and do Reiki but have never had a space of my own from which to work. 

I’ve learned a lot of things that don’t seem to matter anymore. 

What was the point of these things if they never really served me a purpose? I mean, sure, from time to time each would drift in and out of my life, doing just enough for the moment. But nothing has been a staple in my life...except behind the curtain. 

Even the practical, mundane, Real-World knowledge and skills I have acquired, seem to do me no good in the practical, mundane, ‘real world.’ Admittedly, I avoided food service and retail for a very long time - mostly to preserve my weekends with The Princesses when they were younger. That’s not so much of a concern anymore. Hell, between The Theatre and homelessness, I haven’t really spent much time with them for almost two years now. [At least with The Theatre we were in the same house.] 

But, really, the only way to make money in those two lines of work is to be in management...and mostly Store/Restaurant manager or above.  I’m not sure how possible or probable that might be.

I’m not sure how probable or possible anything is at the moment. 

I’m a tortured soul...beyond even my own comprehension. 

Stuck.

Trapped.

So alone, even in a crowd. 

I think of so much. My mind never stops turning. I think of the past 21+ some years. I think about what I have seen. I think about what I have experienced. I think of all I have lost. I think of how I got here, right this moment. I think about all sorts of things. 

Some people have said, “You’re too good of a person to be going through this.”

I don’t know how true that statement is. No one knows what I have been in the darkness. I have not always been a good person. There is a lot of me in the past, even recent, that I do not like. 

Still, it seems to stay with me, even in my Quest to be better. 

It was my first vision, in that spring of ‘96 - The Day I was Slain. I saw what I could be. I saw what devil was and what it could do. I thought I had vowed to never be that. Yet, to this day, I can’t seem to do right. I damage and destroy everything I touch. Sometimes, I fear, even my daughters. 

Maybe the truth is that I am getting exactly what I deserve. 

Maybe this is karma. 

I think of the things that have always gotten in my way. 

-Fear [Always afraid to fail, to not be good enough, to lose or get hurt.]

-Anger [There is a rage inside of me. It’s quiet until it’s not, and I don’t know what the source of it is. 

-Ego [Too little or too much. One way or the other, I fail in all for which I strive.] 

Is that what happened on February 8th...or was that just the start of something bigger. 

And there we are, back to Faith. Faith that somehow it all works out in the end. But when is the end? And what good has Faith done me exactly?

Or, maybe it is I who have failed Faith.

And the questions begin again...the thoughts…

Maybe I haven’t followed through on things the way I should have. Maybe I took it all for granted. I mean, I haven’t quit smoking yet and Spirit has made it abundantly clear that that is what is being asked of me. 

That makes me think of the other thing I have yet to do. That was my second vision - Bar Harbor, ME Columbus Day Eve 1998. That is definitely a story, as is the Journey on which it would lead me. [But then, I suppose, that Journey is part of what lead me to here - right this moment.] I was asked to believe. Truth is, I knew what it meant at the time, but my brain couldn’t process it. So, I guess, I went looking for answers. 

As is to be expected those answers have only left me with more questions. They have also forged my perception of it all. My struggle is that I find that I perceive Divinity very differently from anyone with whom I have spoken. Even those whose knowledge and understanding I respect.

This seems to find me explaining, or, worse, defending myself. But that, too, seems to be the whole of my life. Everything I do, everything I am seems to be a little outside the norm. 

For instance, The Magic Bus. Many people did not know what to make of The Bus, and my family hated it. It’s true. It was different and odd [and slightly uncomfortable, I suppose,] But there was magick in The Bus. There was magick on it. Fragments of souls captured and revealed - stories to be told and shared. 

I love who I am - it has lifted me up. I love the magick inside and how it works even when I don’t know what I’m doing. I love lifting others’ spirits no matter what I have to do to get there. 

I hate being me - it has left me broken and feeling so isolated and alone. I hate the poverty and the torment and the torture. I hate being stuck and lost. 

I think of this project and how many times i have tried to let it go. Still, it returns. It’s how I think, how I see, how I translate the world around me. But what does it do for my life? What has it done to it?

I think of so many passions and dreams that have been crushed and extinguished along the way.

JustUs Productions - which never could get the right steam behind it. Or, The Rabbit Hole - Coffee Bar & Emporium - which I thought was my destination. It is my greatest dream. And, I am further from it today than I have ever been before. 

Perhaps no one believes in it, because no one believes in me. [But, who can blame them?]

And then I go back to Bar Harbor and the second part of that message [delivered later that day,] “You will be broken down to nothing to be built up stronger.”

When does stronger start?

When does nothing end?

I have come to nothing. Everything I have come to know and be and do is slowly fading from my life. Meanwhile, the financial struggles increase. I feel emptier with each passing day. I feel. More hopeless and less purposeful. 

I feel as though I could save my soul and lose my body...or save my body and lose my soul. 

I’m not sure that I care to do either. 

And, so, we are back at the beginning - stuck, frozen, numb with 1,001 thoughts. 

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

JOHNNY: And Johnny…

Doc: Unt me…

And, all of those guys, saying Stautunes in, fellow travelers and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT:…and Freakishness, baby! 

Please feel free to leave comments, questions, and concerns. I don’t know you are there if you don’t say, “Hi.” Also, you’re experience of WTML is just as important as mine. So, let me know what you think. Secondly, if you would like to connect, or find out more about me, you can find WTML on Facebook at WTML or Rev. Matt.

Totems:

Squirrel- Activity and Preparedness

Hawk- Visionary Power and Guardianship

Blue Bird- Modesty, Unassuming Confidence and Happiness

Cricket- Good Luck, Genuine Happiness, and Good Cheer

Blue Jay- The Proper Use of Power

Fox - Feminine Magick of Camouflage, Shapeshifting, and Invisibility

Goose - The Call of the Quest and Travels to Legendary Places

Spotted-Lantern Fly - [Guess I’m on my own it’s this one]