S7EP11: I Just Don't Know

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Company

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

The Warden

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop, and Craze (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

St. Diane & You (3)

Brother John

Spooky Queen

Boom-Boom Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Tim-Bo

The Cousins

The Rox

PDT

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Chicken Witch

Dick Pointer

Soup, the Son

The Legendary Pink Elephants

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Wisconsin Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Tuesday, October, 16, Two-Thousand and Twenty-New. Time...Divergent

Theme – Let it Flow

You would think that as often as this comes up as a Theme or a Lesson that one day I would get it. This came up so many times this week and in so many different ways. It could have been the Lesson, but I feel there is a greater one of those lurking in the shadows. My week was nothing like the week I set out to live. There were so many twists and turns. In the end, I was exactly where I set out to be. Even though, at times, it looked like I’d never get there.

Lesson – I Don’t Know

It’s funny. I don’t know. I don’t know what the Lesson is this week but this could actually be it. I don’t fucking know. I don’t know shit. Man, every time I think I have something figured out things go very differently. This has been both good and bad. I mean there have been plenty of times in my life when I thought for certain that I was on the path to better things and then it would all go in the opposite direction. Likewise, more than once, I thought it was all over and then – in what seems like the blink of an eye – life is different and I am living and thriving. I have been going through so much of that lately. I think I know what is going to happen next and then KA-BAM! I…just…don’t…know.

Observation – What we are Looking for is Usually Right in Front of Us

This actually came to me while doing a shop & pay job. I was looking for items and twice they were right in front of me but not where I was looking. I think that happens to us so very often in life. We want something, are looking for something, so we look in what we believe is the obvious place. We look to the ‘obvious’ source. I mean…obviously, right? It only makes sense. We’ll use my old foe money as an example. [I’m sure its relevant to my life at the moment but I’m not using it for that reason. It’s just the easiest.] So, if you’re looking for money you look at your job, or a bank, or perhaps, on a whim, even the lottery. Right? But, like those items I was searching for, sometimes it is not in any of those places. We look there because it is familiar, or almost certain…logical. Yet, sometimes, it is right there next to you, in front of your face, on a different shelf. We don’t see it because we are consumed with ‘knowing’ where it ‘should’ be. Be open to all possibilities. Be aware of every dark corner, every nook and cranny. It’s sitting right there just waiting to be found.

The Post

No lie. Just now I’m filling up my coffee cup and The Voice whispers in my ear, “You could be further in writing if you didn’t let yourself get distracted.”

To which I responded, “I don’t know about that because I really don’t know what to write.”

It’s a true story. For days, I have thought I knew how this was all gonna go today. The direction in which we were going to head. I was going to weave the stories from the past into the present to create the future. And now…

I just don’t know.

Early in the week I had planned to talk about how ‘Once Upon Ago’ was inspired by a reading that I had back around Beltane. It was more of a channeling really. [I love people who are new at their craft. Just a side note.] In it, the Spirit said “[Once upon ago] back when this all began you were very different. You put so much love out into the world.”

There was more, of course. [And that is a recording I should mayhaps re-visit soon.] Nonetheless, it got me to thinking about ‘back when this all began.’ [Once upon ago.] I was so very different. Everything was different.

When it all began is a debatable thing. It all depends on which moment you consider The Beginning. Was it My Death? Was it much earlier – such as the time I was slain? Was it my Devotion Ritual? Or, was it some other random and obscure point in time? Say…14 and sitting in a psychiatric ward with up to 18 other kids from different places, all walks of life, and wondering why the whole world couldn’t get along like this – accepting and supportive and nurturing? I knew then, that outside of those walls few of us would have ever associated with each other. Yet, here we were, forming a little family. Why is the whole world not like that?

So, it’s kinda hard to tell you who I was and what my life involved when this all began. The Time I was Slain happened in the spring of ’97. I was working fast food as an assistant manager, dating an employee [of course it was against the rules. But it’s me so everyone knew but no one seemed to care because I never once let it interfere with our work.]

At that time I was just getting back into some form of spirituality. A lot of it revolved around Wicca and Witchcraft. I was also just becoming aware of psychic potential. [Not on purpose. It was just happening.]

The Devotion Ritual happened on Halloween of ’97. By then I had changed jobs and moved on from the employee girlfriend. Now I was scoping out and befriending most of the cuties in the office. I also had done a show in Jersey but that’s neither here nor there at the moment.

I had embraced my spirituality a little more fully by this point. Most people knew who I was, what I practiced, how I felt. Some even sought it out. I wasn’t shy about being me. [As I wrote that I got a ding in my head and I thought of that reading at Beltane.] I wasn’t shy about being me, but life changed that. I should maybe change it back.

In fact, I had come to love who I was and what I was doing. Hence – Devotion Ritual. I wanted to commit my life, my existence to Spirit. [Oh if I only knew then what I know now.]

(The same choices would be made.)

My Death would happen almost precisely a year later. By that time I had moved on from the office job. I had taken my first Quest. Unsuccessfully by any measure I had of it. 24 years later, I can confidently say that it was a booming success in what was meant to happen. I had returned and embraced a whole new life, draped entirely in spirituality. [How could I not after what just happened out on the road?] I have taken long trips now. Still, those two weeks-ish were, to date, the most intense experience of my life. I will never forget it.

I was enthusiastic and passionate. I was full of hope. I tried to emanate love and light. I believed whole-heartedly in Spirit and I wanted to share it with the world. The world had it’s own ideas.

I have been shunned, abandoned, humiliated, mocked, bullied [beaten and broken.] So, naturally, I became more reserved. I didn’t quite share all of my experiences with everyone anymore. I mean, those things were always there and if you have known me long enough or well enough you will always spot them floating about. But, for the world as a whole – this project withstanding – I don’t really get into too much of it anymore.

Maybe I should. Maybe I really really should.

Let’s start with this week.

It was one of those weeks that has Monday seeming like it was once upon ago. Hell…Friday seems like it was once upon ago. So much has happened since then that the day itself is mostly a blur. [Okay not true. Friday was devoted to longer periods of single activities so I can trace that day pretty good. Yesterday’s hard though.]

So, it was that kind of week.

My week took so many twists and turns that if you had asked me at any point – including last night – I would have never expected to be sitting here at the end of it all feeling accomplished and complete. Of course, it all revolves around finances. The bane of my existence. The one thing that I never seem able to control.

I often have strange weeks financially. I’m always setting some Goal or another. Sometimes I reach them. Sometimes I don’t even come close. More often than not, I don’t quite make it and I just fake the rest. [With a little bit of help from the ‘roll of the dice’ I suppose.]

From like Tuesday on this week was definitely shaping up to be one of those when I just wasn’t going to make it. I adjusted my plan over and over again. By last night, I had pretty much given up.

It all starts with a traffic jam. On Tuesday, there was a major accident on the interstate, closing it down. All of that traffic got off at one exit and was heading to the very same next exit which was no short nor easy trek.

If you are not from The Valley most of this will mean nothing to you because you don’t know the area. But, if you are from The Valley I want you to try to picture it.

So, the accident happens on the westbound side of the interstate, west of the Route 100 exit. All of the traffic heading west then had to get off at Route 100 and make the journey down to 222 to head west and eventually get on the next viable exit – which is not close at all.

I saw the beginnings of this earlier in the afternoon when I left The Mechanic. The building sits on the road I mentioned – 222. It sits on the western end just before you begin to make your way to Kutztown and Reading. It is a heavily traveled road to begin with because – other than the interstate – it is the only really viable path between The Valley and Reading. It is a stretch of road that I have avoided many times in my travels and work.

Anyway, about 15 years or so ago they built a bypass because that same road stretches the other direction into the city and it was the only truly viable path. Traffic on that road was terrible. Enter the bypass to alleviate the situation, temporarily. It also gets backed up these days.

So, I leave The Mechanic and as I pass through the light on my way to bypass the bypass and stay on the original 222 I could see the traffic backing up from the lights. This is not out of the ordinary. It happens often at that set of lights. But this just seemed heavier. I shrugged it off but kept it in mind as I went about my day.

At dinner time it happened. I got an order that had me dropping off over near the interstate. Now, I was traveling in the opposite direction of the backed up traffic and it still took me an hour and seven minutes to make what should have been a twenty minute drive. [Maybe twenty-five in really super heavy traffic.]

Anyway, first, I got to see the backed up line of traffic and trail it. That line was going from at least The Mechanic’s at this point, up onto the bypass, down onto route 100, and all the way back up to the interstate. That is six miles of a single lane back up. Of course, people try to avoid things like that and come at the same area from different directions. So those roads start to back up a bit. Plus, the lights on this road a re very specifically timed long. So people get impatient.

For the most part, I understood what I was seeing and experiencing but the impatience was really beginning to compact the problem. I was watching as vehicles – mostly tractor trailers – would turn into an intersection knowing damn well they were not going to get out of it before the light changed. They made that choice and then held up traffic in four directions because no matter what the traffic lights said, no one could move until they were out of the intersection again.

I made my delivery and I thought long and hard as I made my way back to that mess. There was no way I could work and make it profitable that night. I could try very hard to avoid that area but it is too congested with restaurants and industrial and hotels. Sooner or later I was going to get pulled in that direction either for a pick up or a drop off. Even if I did manage to avoid that area completely, we were at the cusp of the peak of evening rush hour.

It is bad enough if one of those major roads I mentioned gets backed up but to have all of them back up right into each other creates so many wide spread problems. They connect to everything. Route 100 stretches north and south. It goes from the top of the mountain – off of a major roadway – all the way down and around The Valley almost into Delaware. Transient traffic, work commuters, tractor trailers – all day, every day.

222 and the bypass stretch, as I said, all the way into the city and they touch on every major road along the way. The interstate breaks off onto, and merges from, two major highways – one traveling north and south the other east and west. This was about to become a much worse mess than it already was.

I saw this on the way back to the house. I took every back way I could think of and I was seeing the beginning of everything I was afraid of. I figured it was Tuesday and I would have plenty of time to make up for it.

Wednesday and Thursday I had better days that left me with a bit of hope. They were strong financially and I managed to do some things along the way. Friday, however, would see another tragic accident on the same interstate at just about the same spot.

It was earlier in the day but the impact was pretty much the same. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to handle things. It turned out I was able to take a string of deliveries that legit had me driving all around the outskirts of the mess. I was able to just move from point to point without getting into the mess.

The last job was the furthest and dropped me north of The Mechanic. I decided to head back down that way and stop in to drop off my check. From there I would head to F’n Bob’s for The Safety Meeting. The Professor was down and he wanted to catch up. Normally, I wait until later once lunch has finished but he is usually here much earlier than that.

He wasn’t this time. He was caught in the traffic mess I just avoided. By the time we finished the meeting I knew I still had to go for groceries and bring them back and put them away and I just no longer felt like dealing with anything else – including driving. But there was still time to make it. There was still hope of reaching all the Goals.

Yesterday started very strong but by mid afternoon I was really getting the call to come back to the house and work in the beds. It was such a very beautiful day. Perfect for yard work. I have been gearing towards getting the beds done because they needed to be weeded and I just have a quirk that makes me want to do that stuff.

I wrestled with it for probably an hour. The thought kept popping into my head to come home and tend to those things. I kept pushing it off. I was trying to make some money and be responsible. I didn’t have time for such things. Then I saw the Spider. He crawled along the face of the glove compartment – just long enough for me to take notice. Then he disappeared.

With him came the thought of what spider brings. It is all about the weaving of fates and how we create our own destinies. I don’t know what in that brought me to the decision but it was time to come home and do some weeding.

I’m glad I did. I’m glad it’s done. But also I felt fabulous afterwards. Even though I was sore and tired I was just so energized and alive. It has been over three years since I could do something like that and I needed it so terribly bad. [Ahh that was the other glitch in Saturday and what started the thinking of going home. Sunshine had a parade with marching band and I had gone down to see that.]

However, it all left me short of my financial Goal with only today to catch it up. The problem with today was that I agreed to help The Theatre with some parking security – right over lunchtime. There was no way I was going to manage everything I wanted to accomplish. I looked at how I could adjust.

My plans had included gas for The Rocket today. So that was the first thing to go. All I had to do was make it through the day, get the money I needed, and not have to fill the tank – or stop when I did. That plan helped but it didn’t solve the problem. I had one more Goal I wanted to reach.

I wanted to make a quick extra payment to The Mechanic – Just Enough to bring the first bill up to par so I could start focusing on the second one this week. $100 is what I needed. With that in the tabulation, at the end of the day yesterday I found myself to be just under $120 behind. I thought, if I work around The Theatre I can make that. My whole thing was that I was trying not to count The Theatre in my plans because I didn’t know how, when, or how much they were going to pay me. I figured it to be maybe 20 or 30 bucks. Just a lil somethin’ somethin’ , ya know?

I got up this morning and all I could do was piddle around. I woke later than I would have wanted to and I just couldn’t motivate out the door. No big deal, I thought. I’ll go after The Theatre. [Even though all I really wanted to do was come home and write.]

So I made my way to The Theatre, chatted, ran for lettuce, did my duty in the lot and then ate and chilled a bit. I offered assistance to them on occasion if they need it. [That, of course, is all contingent on where I am living at the time.] The Big Boss’ Wife told me to hang a moment so she could pay me. Cool.

Finally, I saw her come towards me with cash in hand. That’s nice but cash is not as preferred by me as by some. I usually need the money in my bank so checks are preferred. [I don’t have a branch less than 30 minutes away from me.] Still, I could make some use of it. When I finally got a chance to look at what she gave me [because you never count your money sitting at the table, right?] I discovered that she gave me $100.

Tomorrow I take that $100 to The Mechanic and I will make the other $17-18 I am short before the close of business and all will be right with the world. To add to the sweetness, I have spent my evening and night just chilling out and writing.

The house is under contract once more. There are inspections scheduled on Tuesday and the closing is scheduled for November 5th. Obviously, I wish them luck but I am not – in any way – looking forward to returning to life in The Rocket. We will see how things unfold and work out because…

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I have no clue what tomorrow holds or how it will change things. I have no idea how things will even change by the time we get to tomorrow.

I just don’t know.

The only thing I do know, just as I believed once upon ago when this all began, is that however it goes it will go right. Life is alive. It is a living, breathing, sentient Spirit and it has it all worked out for us already. The best thing we can do is get out of its way and let it do its thing.

And, most importantly, stop looking at the obvious.

If you’re not already there, go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page – WTML. Or the YouTube channel – WelcomeToMyLife08. You can also find me on Facebook under Rev. Matt.

Wherever you are and whenever you are – Like, Comment, and Share – we’re on a Journey and it takes you to get there.

So, without hesitation, for now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying, “Stay Tuned-In, Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: And Freakishness, Baby.

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

I was bad at noticing or acknowledging Totems this week. The only one I really noted has already been mentioned.

Spider – Creativity and the Weaving of Fate

Maya, the weaver of illusion. Grandmother, link to the past and the future. Mysticism of the geometric form of the figure 8. Symbol of infinity. The Wheel of Life. Teaches you to maintain a balance – between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female. Everything that you do now is weaving what you will encounter in the future. Rhythms. Creative sensibilities. The past always subtly influences the present and future. Spiral shape, the traditional form of creativity and development. We are the center of our own world. “Know thyself and you shall know the Universe.” Keepers and writers of our own destiny, weaving by our thoughts, feelings, and actions. The magic and energy of creation. Assertiveness of that creative force. , keeping the feminine energies of creation alive and strong. Links with the past and future. Are you moving toward a central goal or are you scattered and going in multiple directions? Is everything staying focused? Are you becoming too involved and/or self-absorbed? Are you focusing on others’ accomplishments and not your own? Are you developing resentment because of it – towards yourself or them? The teacher of language and the magic of writing. Death and rebirth. A lunar symbol. Maintain balance and polarity in all aspects of life. Through polarity and balance creativity is stimulated. A combination of gentleness and strength. Walk the threads between life and death – waking and sleeping – between the physical and the spiritual. How to express the creative energies. Don’t be afraid to employ it in seemingly inaccessible corners. Weave your creative threads in the dark and then, when the sun hits them, they will glisten with intricate beauty. Are you not weaving your dreams and imaginings into reality? Are you not using your creative opportunities? Are you feeling closed in or stuck as if in a web? Do you need to pay attention to your balance and where you are walking in life? Are others out of balance around you? Do you need to write? Are you inspired to write or draw and not following through? Remember that Spider is the keeper of the primordial alphabet. Teach how to use the written language with power and creativity so that your words weave a web around those who would read them.

And in follow-up…

*I was actually trying to get a head start on the post this morning when I wrote the above. Then I was driving home from The Theatre [for the second time] and I was just thinking about how something is brewing. Just then this hawk swoops across the road land on a branch and watches me as I drive under. I look in the side view mirror after I passed and he is gone. Just like that.*

Hawk - Visionary Power and Guardianship.

Messengers, protectors and visionaries. Visionary power and leading you to your life purpose. There is a message coming. What you eat, you become. Kundalini. Childhood visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled. The ability to soar and glide upon the currents. Great Heights while still keeping your feet on the ground. Attacks by people who won’t understand you - attack your ability to soar. Teaching of higher expression of psychosis and vision. Beauty and harmony in moderation. Lead you to using your creative energy in manifesting your soul purpose. Hope and new ideas. A need to be open to the new or shows ways that you may help teach others to be open to the new. Be observant. Life is sending signals. Careful in expression. Comments and actions will be strong and powerful with the ability to tear and/or kill.