Soonday

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Yeah, it’s true.

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, July 12, 2020. Time...Confounding

The Post

I feel awkward.

In my life right now, I feel awkward. I cannot quite put my finger on it. I can feel things. I can feel things happening. I can feel things shifting and changing. I can feel ‘The Old’ going out as much as I can feel ‘The New’ coming in.

I just don’t know what any of that means.

The beginning of the week was fairly good. It took me a while to get myself moving, but once I did, I made some progress. In fact, I have made enough progress that it left me just a little off. I didn’t know what to do next. As you will see later, because I started writing. In all of this, I realized that I have been very focused for several weeks now. So focused, in fact, that I didn’t see this point coming.

I still have plenty of things to do, especially in regards to packing up, but the mass of it is complete. So, I find myself sitting and looking around, wondering what the next best measure might be. “Now what can I do to move my life forward?”

In the beginning, it was all about getting my feet firmly on the ground so that I could get more productive in all areas of my life. This course eventually led to needing to unpacking my life. Things were so scattered and cluttered and disorganized and I just couldn’t be as productive as I wanted. But getting this job done took away from my time to be productive. I knew I needed to get it done. And, mostly, I have. But now what? And that brings us to Thursday.

Thursday, July 9. 2020; 1006

I am writing because I do not know what else to do. [And, considering the quality of my writing of late, that might not be so bad.]

I am having a very strange morning so far. First, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. I don’t know why. I mean, the energies have been very strong lately, but also very strange. I’ve been so very out of touch with it all. Like, I am here, living my physical life, and I am very aware of it, but there is all this spiritual stuff going on around me as well. I am also aware of it. I just can’t seem to pin it down. I can’t seem to be in the right spiritual groove.

WALT: How Freedom got his groove back.

I certainly hope so.

The thing is – it’s not like I have been completely out of touch. Its almost like I was on auto-pilot for several weeks. I was going and doing and just constantly pushing. Now, I find myself as caught up as I can be and ready to start the next phase – and, yet, not so ready.

The focus seems to have been on getting my things more organized and manageable. That was always the Goal here at The Dormitory, but I was struggling to make progress. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I should try to get The Cave cleaned up. It really was a mess after The Self-Eviction. Between them just randomly putting stuff in there and me having to toss my through that stuff to find what I needed, it got quite disastrous.

Week after week I would go down one or two times and sort through, pack up and throw out. Each week, stuff would come back to The Dormitory for further dealings. But, likewise, things were going down to The Cave. It seemed a lot at first, but, here I sit, and everything is fairly organized and cleaned up. The worst of it was the tools, but that is all taken care of [and, I got to make first use of my MattMobile tool bag yesterday.]

There’s still some random stuff at The Cave to sort through and organize better, pack up, discard. But, truly, most of it is done and manageable enough [until further notice.] As for The Dormitory, I am reaching the point when I must start shaving down [even further] what I am keeping here. If moving truly is the end game of this current charade, then having as much packed up as possible is my best plan. However, though I do not doubt the move, I do not know – nor can I fathom – when it might happen. So, I also need to keep myself equipped and entertained.

So, I find myself, this morning, feeling…not run down…but…more like recovering from being run down. If I had to use my own private vocabulary, I would say it is like I am coming back into myself. The feeling is almost like my body has been here, but my spirit has been elsewhere. This morning they started to merge once more.

But, I also find myself feeling caught up. Caught up enough anyway. I didn’t have any large tasks in front of me. That’s really how I have felt the past few days. Except for the last post, there was really nothing looming before me.

Monday I did nothing much of anything. It took me half the day to feel like I could even think about doing something. I piddled about, got myself ready for laundry day and my Cave Run. But I didn’t push. I relaxed. It felt like I hadn’t relaxed in so very long.

Tuesday morning I would run to do my shopping as early as I could and then the rest of the day was similar to Monday. I did things, but at a very slow and steady pace. I worked a bit and then sat a bit and so on.

Yesterday would be for Laundry and The Cave. Still, I was home very early. In fact, at 1630 I was so very confused because I was certain it was after 1800. Again, I got things done. I took care of business. I’ve done so many very little and random things over the past several days. I got finances and paperwork in order. The MattMobile is cleaned out and ready for action. I even posted some items for sale this morning and already two of them are scheduled for pick-up on Saturday.

For as much as I stress about money, I always have some little side hustle or another that pays off at just the right moment. My issue is making it pay off more often. I need it to be a steadier stream of inflow. Unfortunately, I feel very ill-equipped for this in my current living situation. I need to be able to move about and do my thing for ultimate productivity. But, with Hoagie home all the time now, I just don’t have that flexibility. I need to work within the space that I have [and, it’s not much.]

However, I can’t really afford a place until I get the income stronger in some way, shape of form. I’m also going to need a car before too long. I’ve made sure it will pass inspection this month, but only because I cannot currently afford to invest in something else. So, I find myself needing a vehicle and a home.

I chuckle often because people have always insisted that a FT ‘regular’ job would solve all my problems. I would be able to get a place of my own and build my own life. Still, here I am with that job and I cannot afford it, let alone things like healthcare or 401Ks. The one job, the one income on its own, is just not enough.

So, I thought I put some decent measures into action. I was being offered the opportunity to return to The Seasonal Store as a store manager. I could simply just leave The Job and do this. No doubt, no doubt. The income would already be more than what I am receiving and the hours would be just slightly more. I would lose some of my flexibility in scheduling and doing other things. [Because, though the income is more, it is still just not quite enough.] Also, it is very, very temporary.

I could just stay at The Job. I know what I am in for, especially financially. I would average three days off each week and that t was all worked out and very simple…until things began to shift once more.

First, I have all sorts of scheduling obligations on the horizon that I had not calculated into anything. On The Seasonal Store’s end, this is not a problem. Next, I need to work it with The Job. Next, The Job has offered me a promotion. They are still planning on working it all around my time with The Seasonal Store. It would be more money. How much I do not yet know. But, it might make a bit of a difference. But, only a bit. And, it would limit me more in my days and time off. And, Finally, The Seasonal Store may change the district lines, which would move my store. I do not know if I want to go in as a first year store manager with a district manager with whom I have absolutely no connection. The whole ordeal is going to be hard enough, even with Thing 1 at the reigns.

Monday, July 13, 2020

So, that is what that has been like.

I just don’t know.

I feel like I am writing in circle…but why? What am I missing? What am I not seeing or not saying?

Alright. So, how do I adjust this? How do I fish out of my subconscious what is swimming around in there? Sort through the pieces I suppose – one at a time.

DOC: Let’s start at ze wery beginning…

WALT: A very good place to start…

Oh god. *sighs* Could you two please just not…

DOC: Do a deer a female deer…

WALT: Ray…a drop of golden sun.

Really…I can’t…

JOHNNY: Meeeeeeee a name I call myself!!

*face in hands* Oh please lord make it stop.

WALT: So…

DOC: A needle pulling sread…

JOHNNY: La…

WALT: A note to follow so.

Tea…a drink with jam and bread!!

WALT: Now ya got it!

DOC: Unt zat brings us back to…

WALT & JOHNNY: Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do!!

DOC: Zere. Now don’t choo feel better?

I feel scared. Very, very scared.

WALT: Yeah, but you got into it at the end.

I couldn’t help it. There was just something so stinking contagious about it.

DOC: Unt now ze Spirit is lifted unt ze mind she is clear.

It’s been a while since I counted weeks for The Experiment. I don’t think I can get into all that now.

Life is life…and it is happening. As usual, I am in it – just a guy, dopin’ along and trying to make the most of what he may have.

I have definitely made vast improvements since January. I have gotten caught up, mostly. [I do still have some debts I would like to repay.] I have balanced out. I have a flow that I have been able to manage and manipulate when needed. I have also made some small steps forward – some savings routines and new bills in my name.

I still have…

JOHNNY: Uh, Reverend…are you alright?

That’s what it is.

WALT: What?

Money. Finances. It’s what is blocking my consciousness. I have still been so consumed by it – making it, spending it, managing it, making more of it. Even when I don’t have to, I find myself chasing it. Even The Choice boils down to Money or Faith. [Or, a little bit of both?]

DOC: Is it money or is it self-vorth?

Oh it certainly could be a great deal of that.

It is true that in the past I have most certainly wrestled with this. I have never really felt all that important or noticeable. I’ve always been The Runner-Up. The Second-Hand Guy. The Last Pick. I’ve never really felt as though I have anything of any worth to offer or to have pursued.

But, lately, I have been shifting my mindset on this. I haven’t changed my feelings, nor my perceptions of myself. Not in the slightest. However, I am learning to embrace them. So what if that is how I feel? So what if it is true and that is all that I AM? So, what?

It has never once stopped me from going out into the world and pursuing or trying. Never once. It may have skewed my approach – for better or worse – but it has never stopped me from living. So why worry about it? Why wish to be different or shed a tear because I am not?

It is definitely my relationship with the Green Beast itself.

WALT: Maybe calling it The Green Beast is a good start to a bad relationship.

Maybe you are right, my friend.

WALT: There was doubt?

Oh no, my liege. Sir Wal, The Wise.

WALT: Damn skippy! I should put out a book of proverbs and wise little quips.

Oh, could you please?

WALT: Sure…why don’t you just take a lil nap and let me take over for a bit.

Oh, HELL no.

WALT: Walt’s Witty Words of Wisdom

Stop.

WALT: Come on. It’s a best-seller.

Just stop.

JOHNNY: You know…he might be on to something. We certainly could use the exposure, and income, that a book tour would provide.

Oh no. No, no. All y’all just stop. This is not going to be a thing. We have too many other things on our production plate to let Walt Whitman here whittle away with words.

WALT: Oh Wicked World, why whouldst thou have me wallow in worry?

Alright now. I think we have had enough of that now.

WALT: Why would you I wonder?

Enough!

WALT: No one appreciates grammatical wittiness anymore.

OK. So, it was not finances I meant to start writing about. It just ended up that way. I suppose it infiltrates all matters of being at the moment. Whether I like it or not.

I do feel accomplished overall – not just financially. Things across the board are different than they were several months ago. I have organized my life, much more than it probably has been in some time. I have cleansed and purged on some many levels. I have balanced many things out. And, I am happy with what has developed.

Still, there is a long way to go and more to be done. There is more sorting and organizing, but now those things are more like individual tasks than part of a larger project. I have managed quite a bit financially, but there is more, and greater, ahead of me.

Sometimes it is frustrating, because I spent all those years listening to people condemn and chide me that a ‘regular FT job’ would change everything. It would put me in a home of my own. Though I may be able to squeeze it if I try really, really hard I would still need more than what I am making now. Maybe my hopes are too high. I just want a life I can enjoy and feel like me and spend time with my daughters before they truly are young women [with lives of their own.]

It's like I’m playing the same game, but at a different level. I’m still trying to work and make money and find ways to make more money because I can’t seem to make enough. Yet, I still always have what I need when I need it – the work on the car, the vacation with the girls, food, drink, whatever it may be. When the time comes, the funds are there and I move on.

So, then maybe money isn’t the issue.

I find myself getting irritated with everyone lately. I feel like I am on my last nerve with humanity. It’s nothing major and something I will eventually blow off. But, it does raise flags of concern about where my spiritual self may lie these days.

The Job wears me out. It takes me a couple hours after a shift to be feeling like myself. I realize I put a lot of focus into it when I am there, but I do not like feeling the way I do when I am done. The last several weeks I have done 4 10 hour days in a row. It starts with a closing shift, then a mid, then an open. From the time I start at 2 on Thursday until 4PM on Saturday I do not really rest or function outside of work. It is like 50 hours of energy towards The Job. Then I take a bit of a reprieve on a Saturday night. [This past Saturday I took care of some business and made some cash.] Then on to Sunday’s open. I work hard and constant on my shifts. I do not like standing still or idle time. We don’t generally have a lot of any of that, which makes it all so much harder because there is a lot to do that has nothing to do [directly] with serving the customers. It has been taking me all day on a Monday to work through my energy and get to a place that I feel comfortable and natural. This bothers me.

July was to be the month of changes. We are not quite half way through the month and though things are on the table nothing is settled. The Choice still looms before me. Here, again, is an example of me trying to move my life forward, striving for more/better and it is just not working out so well.

I do not know what to do about The Seasonal Store. But, I cannot decide until I learn of any changes they make.

I do not know what to do about The Promotion. It would be increased income, yes. But, it still wouldn’t be enough to put me where I’d like to be. Not comfortably anyway. Yet, it would also have me giving up another day. That would leave me two. If 4 days wipes me out, what will 5 do? The only reason I’ve made it this long is because I usually have 3 days off in a week and two of those are always together. When it is 3, as it has been, then it is even better. It takes me that long to rebalance and recoup, plus get things done of my own.

But, enough of all of that. It is repetition. It is the same over and over. Nothing has really shifted. I’ve been caught in this loop for weeks.

I am planning one more adventure with The Princesses before the summer ends. Actually, I am planning two. But, one is just them spending some time with me while I house sit once again. The other I am not quite ready to reveal.

So it is now later on Monday and I feel as though I not only didn’t get any real writing done, but that I haven’t really gotten anything else done either. I am going to step back from this now and call it a day. Hopefully, I will have myself together better for a post next week.

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So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!