The Cycle Dispatched

The Cycle is very important to it all. I don’t know why, but it is. It’s always there and has been there since the beginning. I have forever marked the start of The Cycle with my ‘Death.’ The truth is, I put The Cycle into motion a year prior.

There are two faces to The Cycle. One is what I have been making reference to of late – the ebb and flow of things. The other is The Wheel of the Year. It is the former that I recognized first. The Wheel of the Year is a Wiccan/Pagan, almost Agricultural, calendar of celebrations. Some of them you may know, or, at the very least, be familiar with. There are the Solstices and Equinoxes, which have their own names of course - the most commonly known being Yule. There is Beltane, which you may know as May Day, Imbolc, Lughnasadh, and the ever confounding Samhain, which you may know as Halloween. For Wiccans and Pagans there are stories of the Divine to explain the energies and purposes of these Holy-days. Agriculturally speaking, these days mark the beginnings, middles, and ends of the seasons.

Imbloc is the first day of Spring, for with it come the first signs of new life. The equinox that we know as the beginning of Spring actually marks the midpoint. But, it does tend to correlate with the planting of crops. By Beltane we are ready to begin the Summer, the tending season. And, Samhain marks the end of the harvest, as well as the beginning of the Winter – the dead or dark time of the year, when we savor the bounty of our harvest.

I don’t remember what year it was when I first noticed this Cycle at work in my life, but I do remember which Holy-day it was – Imbolc. I had been caught in The Cycle for some time before I recognized it. One day it just dawned on me. For all the activity in a year, it would always slow down near the end of October and slowly start to pick up again right about the beginning of February. This current year being no exception thus far. It’s how I, sooner or later, would discover the other face of The Cycle – this constant poverty followed by a small degree of abundance, and then back again. The more I write about it the more I wonder if they aren’t the same face, just two different sides.

It all starts in October. That is when I see it begin to unfold. For almost twenty years, life always changes in October. Very rarely is it good. That’s what happened this past October. For as good as things were going [which, honestly, wasn’t all that good] it all came to a halt in October. Then, for about three months, it would stay that way. No matter what I did, or tried, I just couldn’t get anything to happen or work for me.

This is nothing new, actually. I noticed many years ago that January in particular always seems to be a ‘dark’ month for me. I use the term ‘dark’ because I was working at Symphony Hall at the time I made the connection and ‘dark’ was the term we used for the theatre every January. Every January the theatre went ‘dark.’ There were no [or very few] shows, which meant no [or very little] work. When I left theatre and returned to food service I found this pattern again. People eat out less in January than any other month. And, when I entered the realm of Retail Merchandising, the pattern continued. For years, it has been difficult to find, or have, work in January. There was one January in particular which I had a legit ‘real-type’ job in the fiber optic industry. I was a tester. I would travel around with a partner and test the runs to make sure they were doing what they needed to do. It was a lucrative job – for the most part.

The January I was in their employ I received an email to hold dates towards the end of the first week. Later, I received an email telling me the job was postponed and to hold dates the following week. The following week arrived and so did an email telling me the job still wasn’t ready and I should hold dates in the third week. All the while that this is happening I am watching other work just slip through my fingers. I couldn’t schedule work each week because I was holding dates and by the time I would find out I was free that work was all scheduled out. The third and fourth weeks would play out the exact same way as the previous weeks – postpone the dates, hold new ones. Truth is, I’m not certain that we ever actually did that job. Nonetheless, that January I made a total of $158.

Then, as was the case this year, things start to pick up in February. This year, I found my work at the dinner theatre and started in February. My new ‘job’ with a big box retailer starts this week. Now neither is going to give me much, and the theatre job is only short-term. In fact, right about the time it ends is the time things should be picking up more according to The Cycle. So, this is curious to me.

So, let’s review. Let’s take what we know [and by ‘we’ I mean ‘me’] and write it all down. Capture it, in the hopes that some next part of it becomes clearer:

The Cycle [almost] always begins in October. I say this because there have been instances when June would somehow be the catalyst for October. Such was the case last year. When I hurt my back I got the hint. I got the hint because it couldn’t have been worse timing. Things were finally moving along. I was making just enough money to keep productive and I was productive. The garden grew and shaped in leaps and bounds. New Gardens appeared as piles of stuff disappeared and Geistopia began to take shape once more. Then…BAM!

I popped my back moving a rock in the garden. I knew it the instant I did it. There was no pain. There was no disconcerting ‘pop’ of a sound. There was just a moment, a sudden shift. I picked up the rock. I had even stopped to remind myself to lift with the knees, but I picked up the rock and I felt…something - the slightest sensation. I paused. I closed my eyes and took a breath. And, with lips pressed tight in what could only be called a knowing smile, I shook my head and thought, “That wasn’t right.”

Before I knew it, I was out of commission. Everything I had accomplished slowly fell apart before my very eyes. Within my reach and yet so ungraspable. Over time my finances would diminish to almost nothing. Everything I was doing on the property just ceased. I got so far behind on property maintenance that I still have leaves all over my yard.

So how could I not get it? Obviously, someone was really trying their best to drive home the point that something was very amiss. For as right as everything seemed, something had to be wrong. Fine.

“What? What is it that I need to change? What do I need to do differently?”

Over time, answers to those questions would reveal themselves to me - a little bit here and a flickering there. They are the flickerings that have led us here to this very moment. But, they are also tales for other times and places…

…So, by October everything had really completely fallen apart.

Let’s look at the Octobers for a moment.

October 31, 1997 – I dedicate myself, my life, to The One True Spirit.

Columbus Day, 1998 – Bar Harbor, ME; The Real ‘Journey.’ [This was the beginning of it all. This would bring the moments that would change my life forever.]

(Late) October, 1998 – I experience my ‘death.’

October 31(ish), 2003 – The production of ‘Annie’ destroys any remnants of an existence I had left at the time. [Done! Finished! Finito! No mas!! I’m talking from scratch here.]

Mid-October, 2008 – Mama leaves, taking the Princesses with her. [Once again, I am completely destroyed.]

[Late] October, 2009 – Released from county prison/rehab on probation.

October, 2016 – The Spirit of Geistopia wreaked havoc on a guest, leaving something very, very dark in The Cave. [Also, just prior to this was The Ceremony.]

October, 2017 – I find myself in such a void of existence that I have no choice but to reach to The Powers Beyond for guidance and assistance. If the truth be told, had someone put a gun in my hand at the time I would have put it to my head. I would have pulled the trigger, without an ounce of hesitation. True story. It was the darkest I had ever known myself to be my entire life.

If I were going to dissect and discern all of that [which I am,] my first Observation is the pattern of fives.

’98-‘03

’03-‘08

Each of these involves a type of ‘death’ or destruction. In each one, everything always came to a painful halt. I am destroyed, completely broken over and over again. I would exist in a void for some moments, then re-emerge, triumphantly marching forward through the remnants of my life. Only to find my ‘death’ once more. And, so, The Cycle would begin again.

So, my first question would be – What happened in October of 2013?

This…I do not know.

The next known moment to me, the next moment in time that I can recall is June, 2015. The Cave-in. This was another time in my life when things were moving along very nicely and then…BAM! In one fell swoop [quite literally] it all came crashing in and I was left with nothing to do but throw my arms in the air, head tilted back, and utter - ever so disheartened, “Why?”

*Deep Sigh*

It’s almost as if I am redoing the same moment over, time and time again. I am born into this new me. I set off along a path to a whole new life. Each time I climb to what I believe is the top only to look up and find that I am at the bottom. All of life as I know it ceases to be in but a breath. I am left with nothing…and no one. I exist, non-existently, in a void of life. I heal. I brush myself off and start all over again.

With each new life I ask the same questions. I am asked to make the same choices and decisions. And, I inevitably make the same mistakes. Yet, as I look back, I see that with each re-boot there is a newer perspective, a deeper understanding, a greater passion.

It is like the epitome of Past Life Experiences.

I would also have to notice a very distinct pattern of decades.

That being said, it is important to note, that we are standing practically in the midst of the last year of the second decade. I would have to say that this all plays out only one of two ways –

I will either continue onward and inevitably be consumed by the darkness that I have created along the way [again, stories for another time and place,] or I will remember the light. I will live in it once more and let it lift me up.

“You will be broken down to nothing so that you can be built up stronger.”

(Truer words were never spoken in this life.)