The Dawning

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 2

Queen Spooky

Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, November 1, 2020. Time...Darkening

Theme – What If

Lesson – It Always Works Out

Observation – The Dichotomy of it All

The Post

I can’t. I just can’t.

That is how I feel every morning and every night. And yet, everyday – in between the between times – I do. I go out into the world and I do – I do life. I go to work. I see my daughters. I do laundry and go shopping and take care of any number of other things.

I can’t.

But, I do.

I put on the smile, and as often as I can, I put on the show. I go out into the world and do what I can do. I fake my way through it. Almost numb to the world around me, really. But, I do it. Each and every day. Then I come home, to my tent, and I sigh.

I can’t.

But I do.

Despite the pains and discomfort – in my back and my hip and my legs…and now in my shoulders and neck. Despite the financial hardships. Despite the challenges of living in a tent.

I do.

But I can’t.

I can’t keep trying and failing. I can’t keep pushing and breaking. I can’t keep hoping and praying.

But, I do.

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. What if one does different things over and over again and gets the same results? What the hell is that called? Cause that’s how I feel at this point. It doesn’t seem to matter what I try or what attitude I take – it is just the same thing over and over and over again.

For instance, the past two months. There was this grand plan to work these two jobs and lift my life up. It has not gone as planned since Day 1. First, I couldn’t do the store manager thing and that greatly impacted the financial potency of this plan.

Now, in hindsight – this plan would have never worked. I absolutely would not be able to make both work. Certainly not how I saw it in my head. And, based on how I saw it in my head, this would now have me working 7 days instead of 6.

I think I made it through one week of this before my body started hurting. I’m old and broken to begin with and this didn’t help. I lost days at both The Job and The Seasonal Store because of it. So, 7 days was never really 7 days. But, the day off was never really a day off either. It was a day of recovery. Eventually, and way too late, I would concede and just work three days at each. All in all, I basically lost a day at The Job each week. For several weeks, between hours in general and whatever time I lost, my pay at The Seasonal Store made that day up, plus just a lil bit more. So, again, the finances were impacted. I started with a plan that had me making almost triple what I am at The Job, switched to a plan that should have had me making almost double, and ended with a reality that paid me just a pittance more.

In retrospect, I did end up exactly where I should have been. I should have been back in Trexlertown this year and not in some other store. I should have been available more. The season just wasn’t the same for me. I’m glad I was there. It did lift my spirits some just as I expected it would. But, overall, it just wasn’t the same as the last two years.

But this is not the whole of the problem. I made some money. I lost some money. Same old, same old. Que sera, sera. I’m used to this. Money comes and money goes. I can’t complain. I’ve been blessed. I’ve had food. I haven’t gone hungry once. I’ve had my coffee. [Which is pretty much a food group for me anyway.] I’ve kept gas in my car. I’ve bought clothes when I needed them. I have even, now, had a couple of nights with the Princesses – just dinner and whatnot, but still there.

Have I been too free with the money I have made? I do not know. So, I looked at it. I have expenditures I can manage better, or eliminate altogether. I’m not sure how hey all add up in the end.

I noticed that I spent $133 on lottery tickets in October. That may sound like a lot. But, it was money spread out over a period of time – a lil here and a lil there. All-in-all, I won $109 of it back [so far. There are still pending tickets from that.] That money came in little bits and pieces, except for a large $100 winning. Every time, it came exactly when I needed it. So, I’ve really only spent about $22. *shrugs*

I do some gaming. Occasionally I spend up to $5 on something. I can cut that out.

My largest expense for the month? Cigarettes. More than gas. I really do need to do something about that. [As I sit here chain smoking.]

So, why don’t I have money? That was the question asked of me earlier in the week. It’s a good question. For all of the effort and all of the trying – not only in working, but in trying to manage my finances the best I can – how do I end up worse now then I was two months ago?

I look back to the beginning of the month, when I had My Getaway. All in all, that cost me about $700-1,000 [between what I spent and what I lost in income.] That is precisely the money I could use right now. But, can I really regret that moment in time? I needed it. I desperately needed it. Even though I have done some house sitting this year, it seemed like it was the first time I could really be in comfort on my own. I was able to just be and move around – unrestricted and uninhibited. In the past 21 months I have been in my car, the Treehut, my car again, The Dormitory, my car again (mixed with house sitting and traveling) and now camp.

I needed it.

I was at a place where I couldn’t and I really couldn’t. If I had not taken that moment in time, I would have left The Job and not looked back.

But, enough of that now. For, now, it is already Thursday morning and I am still trying to tap my way through this.

“Life’s a rum go, Gov’nor.”

And, that it is. Everything happens so fast, so chaotic. We can think we are in control when we are really not. I mean, we are in control of what we do with it, how we react to it. But, I don’t care who you are, how hard you try, or how good your plan – at the end of the day, Life always does its own thing. The days come and the days go, and, suddenly, what seemed important doesn’t so much.

This isn’t necessarily a grand life revelation. Its just that everything happens so fast and what seemed grand yesterday drifts into the recesses tomorrow. So, now here I am with two weeks to catch up on. [And, somehow, I still can’t quite bring myself to just get at it.]

Last Monday was supposed to be The Quest with Looch. Unfortunately, he fell a bit ill and was unable to go. I was also supposed to pull a scare prank at The Seasonal Store, and that, also, fell through. So, I didn’t get to have the day I wanted, but I definitely had a day. It was good. I mean, it would turn out that I would need that day off to myself. It would be the last I have had since then…and until next Sunday. [Needless to say this has found me a little worn.] It also helped me financially. I really couldn’t have put the money into a Quest, especially now that I will be having the Princesses next weekend.

I tried to take notes throughout that week, but slowly, each day, they dwindled down to nothing. Let’s see if I can piece something together from last week.

So, with nothing else to do, eventually, I made my way to the gym for my pamper routine – 2 10 minute massages, a 20 minute walk and a shower. The notes say there was a meditation in this time. This is not surprising. I usually drift just slightly into Dreamtime when I am getting the massages. I vaguely recall it. I remember it was deep and I came out of it feeling like things were good. [Even though I can’ see it in this world.]

There was a feeling of gratitude all day long. Just an overall gratitude towards everything. That I remember. I remember ‘BAM.’ It’s always ‘BAM.’ Like that is how things will shift – sudden and abrupt.

The whole Day was strange. I have the note – on again/off again. The day was very up and down. I’d feel good and then not so much. And, then, good again. That’s how the notes read as well – Nothing quite right, but everything so good.

Tuesday says it was a depressed day, and I remember that. I remember feeling down, but I don’t know why. Perhaps it is just fear and frustration. The window is closing and I still do not know if I will get to the other side of it before it does. There is also a note that I didn’t feel good. As if there were rocks in my gut. Honestly, I still feel that way from time to time.

Wednesday’s notes are a lil more ample, but also a lil more vague. It says that I ‘woke up bad.’ Another bad day I suppose. Tired, oh so tired. Again, I still am. Like all the time. Its interesting though because it says I slept good. Also something that has been happening. I feel like I sleep good every night lately. [But, still I am tired.]

There is one note from Thursday, “Finances – close( r) [than months].” I imagine I typed it out just after waking up lol.

That’s all I have from last week. In notes, anyway. Friday, I would see the Princesses. We would grab some drive thru and head to a show at The College. A good time was had by all. There was a point that we were all laughing so hard we almost cried. And, on Saturday, I would take Sunshine trick-or-treating for probably the very last time. In those nights, the girls also mentioned that they are not allowed to be home alone after Mama’s wedding. They were supposed to go to their grandmother’s, but neither was really into it. So, daddy will be taking them for two nights.

This is the perfect example of The Dichotomy of it All. It is going to cost me quite a bit of money for just those two nights and the day in between. The timing for it couldn’t be worse. It is soon time to move on from Camp and I still do not have a solid plan. Yet, oddly, I have the money for it – with [Just Enough] enough left to move on when a plan finally develops. [I hope.]

Part of the reason for this is…I found out who hit The MattMobile. It turns out it was a kid from work. He’s a good kid. His mom says, “severe ADHD,” but I think there is a little more to it than that. I like the kid. I really do. But, still, I claimed to his insurance. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Several people have told me to not feel bad about it, but, for some time, I did.

This could be an Observation. I’m a Sap. I am. It’s true. I feel bad about things and feel guilt over things. I strive to be understanding and forgiving. Almost too much. I’ll miss out on opportunity and potential because I feel bad about something. I’ll allow myself to be abused over and over again because I try to be so understanding and forgiving. [Peoples is peoples, after all.] I guess you could say it is Turn the Other Cheek – MAXimized. The trouble is then frustration builds up. It eventually explodes out of me and becomes anger. Or, worse, depression.

But, anyway, I claimed to his insurance. That money is hitting my account just in time to have those two nights with The Princesses. Interesting, as well, is that it is about the same amount ‘lost’ during My Getaway. It is at the higher end of that range. So, technically, I am back on track financially. I’m right where I am supposed to be. This is the first time all year long. Even with The Princesses over the weekend, I will have some funds left. Enough to do what I have to do and still be closer to that Goal of a place.

The setback, the cloud to my silver lining, is that because this is the first time all year, I really have no clue how my finances actually play out each month. It has been a progression in getting here.

I started the year with nothing. I got The Job and started making some money. At first, the hours were ok, but the pay rate was lower. Then came step one – getting the first raise. The raises happened in three tiers. However, it was just about this time that my lack of the proper shoes was catching up to me and I was losing hours each week because of my back.

Raise two and I finally have the right shoes. Things seemed to be on track. Then the third and final.

COVID.

Suddenly, I was losing hours each week. Of course, there were COVID payments and a tax return along the way. But, I also spent a good bit of money taking The Princesses away and fixing The MattMobile. Just as I was catching up – get out of The Dormitory.

Finally, months later I am at a starting point financially. I feel as though I am finally to a point where I can begin. And, I am actually at a point when I should have already begun. I should be ready to move forward. I need to be ready to move forward and I’m not…not quite.

Close, but no cigar.

I have three weeks to go and I am just now, well next week, going to see my finances balance out. I will have rebuilt some savings and the special fund. [Both of which I borrowed from in the last two weeks, because they were the easiest way to get the cash I needed.] I will have repaid a bit of debt and cleared those slates. I will have what I need to function – gas in the car, some food, etc. I have it all calculated out. In a few weeks, I should have a base to work with – I just don’t know yet how much it will be.

But anyway, life moves on.

I have been working since the Monday of the Failed Quest. It gets harder and harder to go to The Job. It hurts physically and it drains on all the other levels. The biggest problem is my need to follow policy and procedure. I figure that’s our job. But, I’m learning that very few others feel that way, including the GM. He talks a good game, but he bends the rules no different than anyone else. He is a lot of the problem in the restaurant. He says one thing and does another. He pokes at the problems, feeding into them. He splits the management team. So, no matter how hard I try to get things done right it is all for naught. It would seem the simplest solution would be to stop trying. But, that will make me restless because I’m not really doing my job. And, if I try to do my job I just get frustrated at hitting walls all the time.

But, also, I learned they are not paying me what they agreed to pay me. It is only twenty-five cents an hour, but, still, that equals several hundred dollars a year. It’s interesting to me, too. When you get deposits of any kind – like to the pay card they use – you don’t get a pay stub. It’s all online. Months ago, I asked to learn how to get them and I was blown off. Maybe this was why. Nonetheless, whatever they are paying me just isn’t enough to cut it. [Once again, I told someone what they pay was and that person was like, “Oh.”]

So, I either need to find another job or get back to making money in other ways. I’m hoping that after this week, when I return to a more regular schedule, that things will get easier. Easier to ignore. Easier to get through each day. Easier to generate better money.

Only Time Will Tell.

Speaking of time, here it is now – Tuesday morning. I keep getting further and further behind on this and every day something happens. Every day there is a shift.

For instance, yesterday, I had a moment.

I stopped at The Valley’s Favorite Convenience Store for my coffee and a pack of smokes. Just as I was approaching the register, a man at the next register turned suddenly and said, “Le me get that coffee for you.”

I spoke to him on our way out. His name was Barry. I told him he reminded me of me – that I do that from time to time. I said I didn’t know what inspired him to do it, but I needed it. I needed that moment. A moment of hope. That’s how it felt. Like that was the Universe’s way of just saying, “Hey, hang in there. It’s going to be ok.” But, it also inspired me to dedicate some amount of money to just doing that. Buying a random coffee or meal at a drive thru.

Paying it forward?

Tithing?

I don’t know how it will work yet. If I will just set money aside or if I will say spend XX amount of dollars in a month or just remember to do it when I am inspired.

After that, I stopped at The Putter’s for, what turned out to be, a full-fledged safety meeting. One of the neighbors came by to tell me there may be a place available for rent down on the other street. Of course, it is another awkward situation. Someone’s parents lived there, they’re gone, the house is empty. So, I want to go knocking and try.

There is still the house across the street from Geistopia. I’m going to give that another week before I call.

And, I sent an email to Big ‘D’ asking about maybe renting The Cave, just for the winter. This is not a move to get back there. Quite the opposite really. I need to get my stuff that is there organized and out. I can’t keep going back there for stuff all the time. The hope would be that I could spend less to live in The Cave, get my stuff settled into a storage unit and at the same time save up some money for a home that is right for what I need.

It is just a matter of time. Day by Day. Step by Step.

For now, I must get myself together and go do a day of work and errands. Then it is off to four days at The Job. When I am done on Saturday I will be headed into, what should be, three days off. Saturday night and Sunday will be spent with the girls. Then I take them to school on Monday morning and I will have two days to do for me.

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Turtle - Motherhood, Longevity, Awakening to Opportunities

Help unite Heaven and Earth within your own life. Fairy connections. ‘Keeper of The Doors.’ Symbol of the Primal Mother. Long life and grounded was within life. Can teach new perceptions about time ad our relationship with it. The mystery of awakening the senses - physically and spiritually. Stimulates hearing/Clairaudience; Help with vision/Clairvoyance; Develop sense of smell and higher discrimination. Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should? Are you or those around you not using discrimination? A reminder to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets tipsy-curvy. Sometimes Turtle shows up as a totem to help during these times. A reminder to pay attention or you will miss opportunities. A symbol of Mother Earth and that she provides all our needs. Turtle can slow us down to help us see our opportunities. Is our life becoming too hectic? Are we not taking time for ourselves? Are we so busy that we can’t really see what is going on? Are we going too slow and need to pick up the pace a little? Also study Raccoon. Vitamin D/Diet. Link between water and land. Water is the creative source that we can draw on and live in, but we must also come out of it and apply that creativity within the physical world - the land. Also hints at needing to think things through before you act on them. It is time to get connected to your own primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recognize that there is abundance out there for you. It doesn’t have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, Too soon, can upset the balance. Reminds us that all we need for all we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time. Reminds us that the way to Heaven is through the Earth.

Ladybug - (worldbirds.org)

The main meaning of ladybugs centers around good fortune, true love, innocence, needing to make the right choices in life, happy resolutions, etc. So what does it mean to see a ladybug?

When you encounter the ladybug spirit animal at any point, you can be sure that positive transformations are on the way.

You can trust this humble creature to brighten even the gloomiest of days and brighten your outlook on life should you come across it. The symbolism represents the time of the fruition of your dreams and wishes.

Understanding the symbolism meaning helps you understand how reaching newer heights and higher goals are possible. In due course, with the right approach and positive changes, your efforts and desires will come to pass if you follow the true preaching of the ladybug symbolism.

What do ladybugs mean when they cross paths with you or visit your homes? You could take it as a sign to halt a bit in life, perhaps, if you have been going too fast to achieve your dreams.

Sometimes, we need not to try overly hard but wait in faith for things to come around. Sometimes, there is success in being patient and the ladybug cautions to be just that. In time, your worries will dissipate and new happiness will set in.

Crow - The Secret Magic of Creation is Calling

Magic and creation are potentials very much alive during the day. Alchemy. Represents “ingredients,” the initial state of substance - unformed but full of potential. A reminder of what an happen if we are not looking for magic and creation every day. Magic and creation are ‘cawing’ out to us every day. Health, home and respect. Working with crows can help you to see how the winds are going to blow into your life and how to adjust your own life flights. Finding a dead crow was a sign of good luck. Wherever crows are there is magic. Symbols of creation and spiritual strength. Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life. They are messengers calling to us about the magic that is alive within our world everyday and available to us.

Raven - Magic, Shapeshifting, and Creation.

Bird of birth and death; mysticism and magic. Messenger of the great spiritual realm. Bring forth life and order. Can help you shape shift your life or your being. Knowledge of how to become other ‘animals’ and how to understand their language. Teach how to stir the magic of life without fear. Strong creative life force. Can be used to enter The Void and stir energies to manifest what you most need. Expect Magic. Somewhere in your life, magic is at play. Activates the energy of magic, linking it with your will and your intentions. Teaches how to take that which is unformed and give it the form you desire.

Woodpecker – The Power of Rhythm and Discrimination

Drumming. New Life Rhythms. Applications of shapeshifting. Are you looking at aspects of your life rationally? Are others around you not discriminating in their activities? Are you or others in your life jumping into situations with little or no analysis? It will become increasingly important for you to follow your own unique rhythms and flight. Do what works for you in the manner best for you. The foundation is there.

Bee – Fertility and the Honey of Life

Symbols for accomplishing the impossible. Examine your own productivity. Are you doing all you can to make your life more fertile? Are you busy enough? Are you taking the time to savor the honey of your endeavors or are you being a workaholic? Are you attempting to do too much? Are you keeping your desires in check so they can be more productive? Are you taking time to enjoy the labors and activities you involve yourself in? No matter how great the dream there is promise of fulfillment if we pursue it.

Spider – Creativity and the Weaving of Fate

Maya, the weaver of illusion. Grandmother, link to the past and the future. Mysticism of the geometric form of the figure 8. Symbol of infinity. The Wheel of Life. Teaches you to maintain a balance – between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female. Everything that you do now is weaving what you will encounter in the future. Rhythms. Creative sensibilities. The past always subtly influences the present and future. Spiral shape, the traditional form of creativity and development. We are the center of our own world. “Know thyself and you shall know the Universe.” Keepers and writers of our own destiny, weaving by our thoughts, feelings, and actions. The magic and energy of creation. Assertiveness of that creative force. , keeping the feminine energies of creation alive and strong. Links with the past and future. Are you moving toward a central goal or are you scattered and going in multiple directions? Is everything staying focused? Are you becoming too involved and/or self-absorbed? Are you focusing on others’ accomplishments and not your own? Are you developing resentment because of it – towards yourself or them? The teacher of language and the magic of writing. Death and rebirth. A lunar symbol. Maintain balance and polarity in all aspects of life. Through polarity and balance creativity is stimulated. A combination of gentleness and strength. Walk the threads between life and death – waking and sleeping – between the physical and the spiritual. How to express the creative energies. Don’t be afraid to employ it in seemingly inaccessible corners. Weave your creative threads in the dark and then, when the sun hits them, they will glisten with intricate beauty. Are you not weaving your dreams and imaginings into reality? Are you not using your creative opportunities? Are you feeling closed in or stuck as if in a web? Do you need to pay attention to your balance and where you are walking in life? Are others out of balance around you? Do you need to write? Are you inspired to write or draw and not following through? Remember that Spider is the keeper of the primordial alphabet. Teach how to use the written language with power and creativity so that your words weave a web around those who would read them.