The Email

Mom,

I was nice seeing you yesterday. I am glad we were able to sit in the same room and be civil with each other. I did ask, when I cam in, how you are but maybe you didn’t hear me. I am sorry that things have been how they have been, but it was all very necessary.

I do not know, exactly, what your issues with me really are. You have never tried to discuss them with me directly. I’ve heard bits and pieces from outside sources. You have brought things up in fights and arguments. But, you have never tried to address your issues with me as a person.

I have mentioned to you many times over the years what my issues have been. Some of them stem from this innate negativity that you seem to have towards me (and my life.) But, I think my biggest problem is the fact that you really don’t know anything about me or my life. My life changed drastically 22 years ago. In that time, you have blatantly refused to discuss it, be a part of it, or know anything about it. However, you have many times managed to criticize and condemn it. You have stressed, time and time again, that I should live a “normal” life, or a “life like everyone else.” The thing is...my life isn’t normal, nor is it like everyone else’s. I have had experiences that no one else I know, personally, has experienced. Things that most people can’t quite wrap the mind around.

I am not saying that I have always made the best, or wisest choices. But, truth be told, you don’t have the slightest inkling what these experiences have been or how they have affected me. All I have been doing for 22 years is trying to make it all balance and work. But, I don’t have a standard by which to gauge my experiences.

For example, I imagine that you, to this day, believe that the trips I took were all about frivolity and recklessness and irresponsibility. They were quite the opposite really. They were precise and exact. They were drought with purpose. Only, I never knew what the purpose was until it was served. One time, I was dragged, against my own personal desires, to a site in Texas. While there, I engaged in a dialogue with worker at the property. In that exchange, I blacked out, but, apparently, kept on talking. I only know this because, later, after I was done, with a tear in his eye, he thanked me for answering every prayer he made that morning. I remember the moment I knelt down to speak to him. I remember the moment I was done as someone else approached. But, I do not remember anything of what I said. Whatever it was, though, was important and it changed that man’s life (and his faith) drastically.

That is not “normal.” That is not “like everyone else.” But, it is just one example of what happens regularly in my life, sometimes on a daily basis. Trying to live a “normal life” “like everyone else” with these things going on is not as easy as you may think.

YOu have been right that I needed a steady, regular income. And, you don’t really know all of what I have done to try to accomplish that along the way. I have a FT job now. 40 hours a week. The thing is, it is not enough to build a life. I might be able to get an apartment. Maybe. One day. But if I really want that to be my destination then I need to do all the other things I have been doing for years. I have to continue the ministry stuff and the metal scrapping and the crafting and the odd-jobbing. You have always consider these things secondary. But they can’t be. They can only be equal because I always need them to survive. Even Amazon would have inevitably had me needing to go out and make more money if I wanted an apartment and to do things like replace the leaking gas tank on my car. [Or, replace the car.]

Like I said, I am sorry things are as they are, but I am not sorry that things happened. I needed this past year to explore myself. To get to know myself over again. I spent so many years conflicted that my mind was no longer clear and I was falling into deep depressions often. The past year has not been easy. At times, it was downright miserable, but it was also blessed and divine.

I started this year with nothing and for the past two months I have been allowing life to rebuild itself. I have not forced anything, because I have learned that we cannot force anything. I have been given all the pieces I need to rebuild a life. (Or, so I believe.) The job is but a part of that life. The blog continues. Believe it or not, people actually follow it. Not a lot of people. But people follow it. They are invested. The ministry carries on. I still do scrapping. I still do retail merchandising. I have other hobbies and goals and missions. I do not know how anything turns out. For instance, I have about two months left before it is time to move on and I don’t have a clue where I will be able to go. But, everything works out perfect in the end. It always does.

My journey is just beginning. You are more than welcome to come along for the adventure. However, just as you had stipulations for me returning to the house, I have stipulations for you returning to my life.

I can no longer tolerate the blatant negativity. You do not have to like anything about my life, nor agree with it. You don’t even have to understand it really. But, you do have to accept it because it is what it is and it is perfect as it is. I’m sorry that you have never been able to see the blessings. It was always my intention for them to bless you as well. You are my mother. I love you and I forgive you. But I cannot accept that kind of treatment any longer.

If you really want to know what my life is, and has been all you have to do is ask.

Peace and Blessings,

Matthew