The Void (Or, The [Almost] 12 Days of Christmas)

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. 

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true. 

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co. 

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Looch

The Bassett Hound 

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 1 & Thing 2

The Nameless One

All the People in My ‘Neighborhood’

White Gurl

The Anomaly 

Good Man, Charlie Brown

Someone Else

The Rox

CCPA

The PA F&AM

PDT

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

My Belle

The Babes

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous. 

It is…Monday, December 30, 2019. Time...Dying.

It has been about a little more than a week since my last post. I really wasn’t certain if I was going to be able to write during Yule. But, it has been a strange time. 

This has been a particularly difficult Yule for me. I am off course with The List. Usually, it is done by this point. I take consolation in the fact that I have until the 1st to complete and deliver it. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that I am almost fighting the energies at this point. It’s been difficult not having any time with The Princesses through this Holi-day season. But, mostly, I haven’t really felt The Spirit this year. I did. I felt it earlier in the year. I felt it just after Thanksgiving. But, now, as I struggle to complete The List, I’m just not feeling it. 

The truth is, I’m not really feeling much of anything these days. 

So, I made the last post on Friday - The Day Before Yule began. For the most part, Yule has been as Yule always is - a Void in which I have very little control. All of life, except for one little corner, has come to a halt. Usually, I revel in and enjoy that experience. This year it has been difficult. But, then, the week itself has been particularly difficult. 

The Day Of Yule [Observed] I awoke not feeling well at all. It wasn’t a physical thing. I would have maybe preferred that. My dis-ease was mental and emotional and spiritual. 

As you may recall, I had been having car troubles, which would stretch into Saturday morning. Truth is, it’s still not fixed and I don’t really know if or when it will be. The down car kept me from keeping a commitment and making some cash. This would be the second time in just a few days that the car would keep me from working. I was frustrated. I was extremely frustrated. Perhaps I would have been less so if this hadn’t been stuff that had come to me. I didn’t go looking for it. It came to me and I had acknowledged it all as the blessing that it was. 

And, just like that, it was all gone. 

There has been a lot of that over the past 21 years. So many bones thrown, only to be yanked away. It’s not like the proverbial carrot. It isn’t just dangled in front of me. It’s handed to me. I’m allowed to sink my teeth into it, get a taste for it. And then, it is taken away. This situation was no different. These two days of work, though both individual, were part of a larger something that I was just starting to sink my teeth into. 

There were so many problems that accompanied this wrench. I was all but out of cash when this happened. The next day my car insurance needed to be paid or I would lose it. I still had a car that wouldn’t run. I was low on food and to top it all off I really had no leads on a job. I got that one application in and heard nothing back. 

My mind began reeling, as it always does, trying to figure out how to work with this. But, how does one work with that? There was nothing with which I could actually work. That car was my only means of generating any cash. [Perhaps not my only, but the most significant.] In fact, I have a collection of cans for metal scrapping, and I can’t even take it down there and make that few dollars. 

All of this just weeks after the whole job fiasco - scratching to find employment and then bouncing to and fro when I did. Even that didn’t work out for me in the end. I had hit a wall. I was done. I have picked myself up and brushed myself off so many times. I have repeatedly rebuilt from the ashes and rubble of my existence. But there was nothing to sift through this time. I couldn’t even find a bright side and I’m usually pretty good at that. 

I started thinking about what this could mean for me. I mean, what were my options at this point? I could see only one. I resolved that I had no choice but to go to The Rescue Mission. With no car, no job and no money for food, they would be - not the best, but - the only option. [Not to mention Hoagie has talked to his girlfriend about moving into The Dormitory sometime in the coming months.] 

I thought about how I’m not going to have the money to pay my phone bill when it comes due the second week of January. I would then lose my connection to my entire life, most especially The Princesses. 

So, then I started thinking about them. All this time I have been fighting to get just a decent moment in time with them and I fail at every turn. [So very much like my life.] Now, I found myself facing the very real possibility of losing all contact with them...indefinitely. I would make a choice. At the time, I would tell myself it was the best thing for them, but, in reality, I was merely trying to spare myself more pain. 

I wrote the Princesses a text, saying goodbye. I told them how much I love and admire them. I told them how pleased I am with the young women they have become. I explained what was happening and how I had failed them in returning to them. I told them it was goodbye because I didn’t think it was fair to them to keep them attached to me when I couldn’t be there for them in any way. 

I had been asked to leave my daughters behind once before. It was The Message. Not only had it come from a third party but I was picking it up in meditations. Perhaps it was time to try a life somewhere other than The Valley. I refused. I wouldn’t leave my daughters behind like that. Maybe this was the retribution for that. I could see no choice but to leave them behind because the fight to get back to them was one which I was losing. And, I found I had no fight left in me.

G-d said he would break me down to nothing. It was the promise he made 21 years ago. For all the times I had felt that I had reached that point, here I finally was. I had no job, no car, no home, no income. No family. Now no daughters. Worse yet, I found that I had no drive. I had no hopes, nor dreams, nor inspirations, nor aspirations. I was done. Here I was - nothing. 

I felt dead inside. 

Someone, later, would say that perhaps The Rescue Mission would be a good thing for me. It would allow myself to start over and rebuild. [That was the second half of the promise, after all, “...to be built up stronger.”] Only, I found I didn’t want to start over. I had no desire to rebuild. I wouldn’t even have an idea of what I was rebuilding. In that moment, I no longer knew who I was or what, exactly, I had stayed alive for. 

All I wanted was...The End. 

I didn’t send that text immediately. I did, however, post it on my social media. I put everything on social media. It puts the world in a tizzy. Admittedly, sometimes this is fun time. Sometimes - such as this day - it was not. 

Now, I had received some consoling messages and some offers to help. But, I was not up for taking help anymore. I would eventually make a post stating as much. People could offer, but I was no longer accepting assistance. One message was a reminder to me that the energies were peaking and wonky that day. It warned that as an empath I should be cautious of this. 

I had also received some concerned messages. I had made a second post. Some silly test thing saying what was coming for me in the new year. It was all sorts of wonderful things, of course. My comment on the post was, “too  bad I don’t plan on sticking around to find out.”

This had some all besides themselves. What they weren’t stopping to realize was that at this particular moment it did not matter if I was physically alive or dead. I had already checked out. My soul was missing that day. I had no fire. I was already deceased. This is true to this day. Whoever I was in that moment no longer is. 

Eventually, I would send that text. I cried and cried. Shortly after I received a text from Cuddlebug saying that Sunshine started crying. Shortly after that someone would check into my blog site from Mama Rabbit’s area. A login that only ever happens when there is nosiness afoot. And, shortly after that, I would receive a text from The Warden. 

She would tell me that the girls were very upset over my Social Media post. She would go on from there, but I do not know anymore about what exactly. I know that part of her was trying to understand. Part of her was trying to help. It’s the other part that I’m not so sure about. We texted back and forth awhile and eventually I just said goodbye. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. 

Shortly after that, I would receive a text from FaeriePrincess saying her mom was concerned and asking how I was. “I am as alright as I can be,” was my response. Apparently, this was not enough of an answer for she would then text Hoagie. 

This whole thing took him by surprise. It was the weekend, and one of the weekends on which he had his son, Spike. So, I hadn’t made much of a fuss. I didn’t want to do anything that would interrupt or interfere with their time together. I know how precious it can be. I had even ceased my plans to leave for The Rescue Mission that day. I figured that I could wait until Monday, when Spike was gone and the drama wouldn’t be so high. I just laid there on my cot, doing whatever I was doing on my phone. That is what Hoagie told FaeriePrincess - That I was just doing my thing. Quiet, but doing my thing. 

Eventually, Wisconsin would get in the mix and The Warden would begin texting me again. Everyone was pushing and pushing. All I needed was to be left alone. I didn’t have a clear thought in my head. 21 years of life, spinning around inside it. I was desperately searching for answers. How did it all come to this? After all I had done and tried and come through, how was it this was the end I had found? Why would Spirit put these things before me and just as easily snatch them away?

I don’t know exactly how the following events progressed in real-time. By this time I had calculated that Mama Rabbit had contacted either Big ‘D’ or Boom-Dee-Aye, who in turn had contacted The Warden, who just kept coming back for more. At one point she had come across with a text along the lines of, “Are you sure you really tried hard enough to work…” [It turns out it was actually Big ‘D’ who contacted both Mama and The Warden.]

Now, I realize that by ‘work’ she meant a regular job. Still, I thought this was an absolute horrible time to ask such a question. Not to mention, I thought the question itself was out of line. I know I have never had much of a track record with ‘real’ jobs. I admit that I have had lazy times and lethargic times. I realize there are times when maybe I could have done more or different or better.. However, to assume that I have not tried hard enough is offensive to me. 

I don’t like to blow my horn, or recognize myself for anything. I don’t even like when someone else does it for me. But, I have definitely tried hard over the years. I’ve been over the lists, more than once, in this blog. When I look back at the past 21 years, I have never stopped trying, or, as one person phrased it, investing in myself. I’ve never stopped pushing. It is why I found myself without the fight inside me. The fight was never just about money or a job. For me, it was about so much more than that. It was about finding my place in this life. It was about G-d and Faith. 

I had died once and was reborn into a life that no longer had a place for me. I didn’t fit in it. Everything I had known no longer mattered. I hadn’t seen that one coming. It all took my by surprise one night. This, though, this I have been watching on the horizon. I knew one day I would reach its shores. I would have to face the destruction once more. And, once more, like the Phoenix I would have to rise again. 

Would there be any life for me when I rose? Would I really have to start all over again from scratch? I didn’t know if I could do that. I still don’t. But, the day continued on. 

Again, The Warden would text. Apparently, I was wrong for asking G-d to let my car start so that I could go to work and make my money. I was wrong for being upset when that didn’t happen. “G-d is not a genie that you can just ask things of…”

I found this ludicrous. After all, G-d had called on me many times. I was led around the country like a dog on a leash because G-d had called on me. Over the years, I have suffered a lot of moments - all because G-d had called on me. So, was it really too much to ask for something in return? I wasn’t asking for any miracles, or a home, or anything extreme. All I had done, really, was ask G-d to allow me to do the work he had put before me. Was this really too much to ask?

Then she came back with messages of Faith. I certainly didn’t want to hear this at that moment. I’ve struggled in my Faith. I have. I’ve given up more times than I can count really. Still, I have always found myself walking that oh so familiar path before long. It’s all I know...and that had me angrier than anything. What good had Faith done me in these last two decades? Oh, yes, it has led me to some of the grandest experiences. But, it has left my life in shambles. I don’t even have the respect of my friends for who I am and what I have done. So, Faith was not something I wanted to deal in, nor am I certain I wish to yet. 

Wisconsin would continue texting with me all day, worried that I may do something drastic or severe. I have no doubt that I gave her every reason to have those concerns. I wasn’t in good space at all. 

Eventually, there would be a knock on Hoagie’s door. It was the local police. They were looking for me. Someone had called this crisis in to the authorities. Fortunately, the officer used the word ‘kid’ and it confused Hoagie long enough to send him on his way without any interaction with me. Momentarily, anyway. 

I was having larger issues though. I don’t like people going behind my back. This was already happening throughout the day with FaeriePrincess texting Hoagie. This wasn’t hard to figure out really. It was just a matter of timing the texts between his phone and mine. So, that irritated me. Especially after I learned he had told her everything was fine. I couldn’t understand why it ever went beyond that point. But now, people had not only gone behind my back, but they were taking it to a much larger plane. It was now officially ‘a thing.’ And, worse still, it had infringed on Hoagie and Spike’s time. The one thing I was trying to keep sacred, someone had now just defiled because no one could just take me at my word and mind my boundaries. 

FaeriePrincess knows exactly how I feel about such matters. It was not long ago she was the Hoagie of the story, with people dragging her into their own nosy drama with me. She knows I flipped on those people. How dare someone disrespect my friends like that? Or disrespect me?

My philosophy is simple. If you can’t ask me directly then it’s not worth asking. If you ask me and you don’t like my answer, well, then that is on you. I will always answer with the best - simplest, most complete and concise - response that I can at the time. There will be no other answer to be found. As I told the folks [by folks I mean Big ‘D’] in the FaeriePrincess incident - none of my friends can tell anyone more than I can. None of my friends have all the information. I never have told anyone everything. The closest we come to that is right here. (Write here.)

So, I was becoming more incensed as the day went on and none of this was making me feel better or any different about things. Then things would escalate a bit further.

Just as Hoagie was leaving to take Spike home, the police called his phone. They absolutely were not going to give up until they had spoken to me directly. This ended up making Hoagie late and Spike did not get the milkshake he was promised. I’m still not happy about that. In that conversation the officer mentioned that it was my mother who called in the issue. I told him that I doubted that. He looked on the report and sure enough it was. He suggested that I reach out to her and let her know I was ok. I reached out to her, but that wasn’t why. 

For 10 months my mother hasn’t really spoken to me. She hasn’t reached out in any way. I’ve apologized for my part in that morning that brought us here. But there has been nothing from her. Why should I be surprised? That’s exactly how it was living in the house with her. She could walk by me over and over in a day and never say a word. I could sit down to meals with her and never be spoken to. So why would I expect anything different from her now? I didn’t. 

When I asked about returning to Old Geistopia, even just to The Cave, one of the stipulations was a “permanent F/T job.” When I couldn’t promise that, and let’s be real I couldn’t - I can’t promise it now, but, when I couldn’t promise that, her response was, “As long as you’re not living under my roof, what happens in your life is none of my concern [or business]. Maybe it’s best if we keep it that way.”

So, what the hell was this? Remember, this wasn’t the first time. In August when I had my breakdown on video, she was a part of that whole going behind my back thing. I reminded her of her own words. You can’t say, “maybe it’s best if we keep it that way,” and then go poking around in my life. I suppose you could, but I don’t know how you would expect me to be okay with it. I’m not. Especially all the going behind my back. So I called. It wasn’t the call the officer thought it should have been. 

She answered the phone with a very strange, airy tone. I’ve never really heard it before in all my life. I realize now that it was probably because she saw my name on the caller ID. Nonetheless, she answered.

“The Police said you called the crisis center. Stay out of my life. Merry Christmas,” and I hung up. 

That’s pretty much where my day came to a close. I was awake for some time after that, but there was nothing going on. That’s one day. One day of my life and there are several more between then and now. In that ‘One Day’ `  I accepted my fate and gave up my life, said goodbye to The Princesses, fought (I guess) with FaeriePrincess and The Warden, and even with Wisconsin for a bit…..

I lie. I lie to you all damnit!

This happened over two days. Sorry, it was a highly emotional time, and time blurred. So, the events are all still the same. They all still happened, and mostly in this order of things. 

Sorry, I had to pause for a moment and verify the timeline with Wisconsin. I knew I was off because I didn’t find out about Wisconsin provoking the calls to Crisis until after her dream. We’re getting to the dream. I just want to be certain I get the timing of it all correct. 

So, Saturday I had my revelation that it was over. I accepted the fate that was ahead of me. Saturday, I said goodbye to my daughters. Again, there were many offers that day to help me, but I refused them all. I could see no sense in continuing to try to fight the obviously inevitable. At the same time, I kept thinking of the story of the guy caught in a flood. He prays for G-d to save him. A short time later, someone comes by in a raft and offers him assistance. The man refuses. 

“My G-d will save me.” Again he prays to be saved. Someone comes by in a boat and offers him assistance. He refuses again. 

“My G-d will save me.” He prays once more to be saved. Now someone comes by with a helicopter and offers assistance. Once again, the man refuses. 

“My G-d will save me.”

The man dies. He gets to heaven and asks G-d, “Why didn’t you save me?”

G-d responds, “I sent three people to help you.”

Nonetheless, someone did eventually put money in my accounts. This only happened because he didn’t ask first. He just did it. He did it so I could pay my car insurance and have some money for food. I accepted it, because it was already too late. I am grateful for it, but I’m still uncomfortable with it. G-d will have his way, I suppose. But that is what adds to my frustrations. G-d keeps bandaging the wounds, temporary fixes, and seemingly only so that I can survive long enough to lose everything anyway. 

Also, on Saturday, someone had offered to come look at the car battery and maybe replace it. That has yet to happen. That’s ok. I’m grateful for the offer but I do not expect people to keep picking my ass up. He would reach out again later in the week with the same offer. But, it is the holidays. He has a family and problems and life of his own to worry about. 

Anyway, that was all on Saturday. I think I lost time because I really was in the same head space for two days. But also, my existence as a whole was a blur. I was dealing with the realities of my life. The choices I had no choice but to make. It was the first day of Yule and there were all of those energies to deal with, combined with those of the eclipse, and someone reminded me that in general right now the energies are wonky. 

I was also still dealing with my hand. Though it was healing, it was not healing properly. I am on a better path to that now, but that took a little surgical maneuvering on my part. Still, I had the wound, the injury. It was fairly infected, but not dangerously so. And, I was drugged up on the antibiotics. This should be a good thing, but ever since my Reiki attunements pharmaceuticals affect me differently, and strongly. I even have to be careful in taking ibuprofen. 

I was finding that I wasn’t able to rest my soul. There is a reason that I tend to spend a lot of time alone. As an empath and a sensitive I am prone to absorb the energies of others. So, not only was I dealing with all this chaos and negativity personally, but I was bombarded by the energies of others. Hoagie was here. Spike was here. Jim would stop by. People were calling and texting. All of this going on around me and I had no rest or recovery for my soul. 

These are not excuses. I’m not even certain that they are explanations. But this is where I was. This was my Saturday. This was what I was facing and fighting. But, now, there is one more piece to the puzzle that is that day. 

It was not just Yule, or the eclipse, or the energies that made this day potent and powerful. Saturday was the last 333 day of the cycle. If you have been with me for any length of time, Fellow Travelers, then you know this number is of significance to me. And, if you know of 333 and who it brings with it, then you may begin to understand. 

On to the dreams…

So Saturday would be what it was and Sunday would bring with it all the drama that would result in me just exploding on everyone. But in between was the night - The Dreamtime. 

I would have dreams that night. One in particular I can recall...somewhat. Generally, I go so deep into Dreamtime that I have no recollection of what actually happened. I am left only with the knowing that I had been there. But that night I would dream several dreams and one would leave an impression. Unfortunately, just like in my waking life, the answers were riddled and hidden within. 

I was looking at a house. From what I can recall it seemed a very large and old house. Perhaps even a Southern house. There was a shorter, dark haired woman with me. I believe she was showing me the house, but also, at some point she seemed to relate to my mother. Like, she was my mother at one point, but my mother looks absolutely nothing like that. Quite the opposite really. I don’t get it at all. 

Nonetheless, we looked at the house. I chose a bedroom, but as we continued to look at the house I found a room I liked more. It had an extra room attached to it. [In fact, somehow it seemed to be 4 or 5 different rooms all becoming one.] Before I changed my mind I set to a task. Apparently, I needed to make sure that, if I changed rooms, my father could now use the other room. I needed to walk the steps and make sure he could easily get up the stairs. I needed to be certain he could easily get from the bedroom to the bathroom. Only then, could I make the decision. 

So, we walked it and the next thing I know we are outside the house. It is built right up against a river or waterway of some sort. In fact, I’m not even sure there was a yard. It was more of a bog. Still, there we stood, me and this woman - my “mother” - and there was this strange noise. A high pitched sound. Was it a squeal? A caw?

I turned to look out across the waterway when this flamingo flew down. As it landed it ran its beak into a hippopotamus. Then the woman said, “Oh look, it’s an alligator.” I looked down at her feet and there was an alligator only inches from her. I looked to my own feet and there was one close to me. We moved, cautiously, to try to get away from them. Only they were everywhere we went. Next thing I know, we are waist deep in water and alligators everywhere. Now, granted, they weren’t attacking nor aggressive in any way. But, still, there was panic. That’s when I awoke. 

Now that may all sound like a lot of nonsense, but there is an awful lot of information in there. It’s all coded and shrouded - left to be investigated and scoped. It would turn out that I would not be the only one to dream that night. Wisconsin was having Dreamtime of her own. 

Now, before I continue, you should know, Fellow Travelers, that Wisconsin has Dreamtime for which I have complete reverence and of which I am almost covetous. First, she has such in-depth, highly detailed dreams which she can recall with just as much detail and clarity. I would be grateful for one or the other, let alone to have both. But, also, her dreams are a lot more real than they may seem and have oft times been prophetic. One day, I will have to get her permission to tell you the story of when she once dreamed of a Gypsy Woman, only to later learn that the Gypsy Woman had dreamed of her. 

In her Dreamtime, she was accompanied by a girl - a fairie, sprite or nymph of some sort, I imagine. They traveled through darkness until they came upon me in a black box. It was all dark and difficult to see, but I was either naked or trying to cover myself with a black towel. I was engaged in some part of a dialogue with a being who could not be seen. His presence was only known through a booming voice. It would just laugh at me as I screamed.

“Fuck you! Fuck your plans! Am I just a toy to you? You can just play with my life all the time? FUCK...YOU!!”

This wasn’t wrong. So far, there was not a part of this that was even close to wrong. That was exactly the place I was at. Those were precisely my thoughts and my words. And all I was getting in response was a cocky sort of cackle and the words, “The plan…” No different than in her dream, here I was, “...naked, cold, and alone…” in my life. I am lost and confused and angry and scared as hell. And, the only being I know to turn to at times like this isn’t actually giving me anything with which I can work. It’s like G-d himself is saying, “Dude, just...just don’t get up. Take the loss. Take it like a man. Give up.”

The girl shows this all to Wisconsin and says, “He has lost his [soul?] and it is killing him.”

Also not untrue. It was killing me - from the inside out.

“Go and get him,” the girl continued, “and bring him back here. Let him decide what he wants to do with his life”

What I want to do? I’ve known for 20 years what I have wanted to do. But I only ever seem to get farther away from it. I’ve been pursuing the same things for decades and every time I get close to ‘success’ things disintegrate and I find myself starting over from scratch. 

What I want to do?

But...go on…

So, she was to come and get me and take me back to Wisconsin to give me a safe and supportive refuge. The idea was to give me time to heal and put it all back together slowly, one piece at a time. She even suggested that I could take the time to just write. This actually jostled my mind that in Dreamtime, prior to the dream I recalled, there was another. 

I was talking to a girl [almost very Sprite-like, actually.] I can’t recall much. I didn’t hear much. It came in static and broken up. 

“It’s ok,,,”

“You can’t…”

“Write,” with a smile.

So, okay, this was beginning to make sense to me. 

We talked through this over and over on Sunday. All the while we were dealing with this, I was also dealing with all the drama. It took quite some time for Wisconsin to get me to consider her offer, let alone agree to it. 

Sunday, ended with me snapping at FaeriePrincess, The Warden, and even telling Big ‘D’ to stay out of my life. I was lashing out. I’m undecided if it was a good or a bad thing. Even Wisconsin would get her share of it after I learned that it was she who provoked the interventions. I was furious. Not only did she go behind my back, knowing that I don’t like that, but then she had listened to me complain about people going behind my back. Truth is, she was just one click away from not ever being able to contact me again. Lucky for her, I miss her when she’s not around. So, I was hesitating. 

Still, she apologized and we worked our way through that moment. And, we continued to discuss the dream. We went to bed Sunday night waiting to see how we would feel about it all in the morning. 

Morning would come and we would find ourselves in a teeter-totter discussion. 

First, she had a second dream overnight. I suppose it was to be expected. She found herself back in the blackness - just her and the voice. “I hear you have a message for me.” Which she did. I had told her that if they should visit again she should please deliver a very sincere, “Fuck you” to them for me. 

They engaged in dialogue, her asking questions. “What if he comes here and is miserable?”

“Oh, he will be. But he’ll get over it.”

And on they went for a bit until he stopped her, “Enough questions. What is the message?” 

“I am supposed to tell you, in the most sincere way, Fuck you.” The voice would laugh its loud echoing laugh, and, I believe, that was where it ended. 

So, we discussed the dream and continued debating the choice we were facing. One would become okay with it and the other would suddenly find trepidation. Plus, I was coming to grasps with what business I was leaving behind. I would have a car to dispose of or face ticketing [which is still a possibility.] I would have to deal with domestic relations and child support and if it’s not paid then I have to go in there on January 23rd. I can’t go in there if I am in Wisconsin and if I don’t go in there then I find myself in contempt of court. That results in a warrant. 

I shared some of my concerns with Wisconsin. What if we’re being misled? What if you’re on you’re way out here and something happens to you? I mean that is a long drive and not everyone can do that like I can. Nor would I ever recommend it. I suggested that we take one more breath, pause a moment. I told her we should get off the phone and do what we do, come back after and see what we received. 

I had just laid down to do my thing when I received a text from Hoagie, “I think Wisconsin is a good idea.” It was then that I would learn he was in discussions with his girlfriend about her moving in here, when the time is right. [After her roommate dies. Stage 4 cancer.]

I took this for what it was and continued into my meditation. When Wisconsin and I would touch base again I would tell her what had happened. She, too, received some information. 

She found herself in Dreamtime once more. Only it was a different place. There she found the girl from earlier, bound and gagged. When freed she explained that it hadn’t been her at all, but that, instead, it had been twin demons playing with us. She continued that had Wisconsin made the trip she would have gotten very close and then been involved in a car accident. I believe she was even shown. 

Now again, this may seem random and obscure. However, what you don’t know is that not too long before this, and within days of each other, Wisconsin and I had each had visions of a car accident. We just both assumed it was me. 

We decided, as her most recent dream had suggested, that we put it all off until springtime. Things could be handled better then. 

This all left me exactly where I started, only a little worse for wear. I would realize on Monday that I was on the Putter Shit-List. I discussed this Wisconsin. I understand that I totally snapped at them and I understood why they would be upset and offended by it. I discussed with Wisconsin the notion of apologizing. I explained to her that I was reluctant to apologize because I did not want to validate their behavior. Though I felt bad for expressing my anger in the manner that I did,  I did not feel bad for being angry. I felt justified in that. Everyone was crossing lines and pushing boundaries that I had, in some way shape or form, very clearly defined. I compared it to an animal. I was wounded and I was scared. The last thing you do to a wounded/scared animal is poke at it. I had given very clear signals as to the space I was in, but people kept poking. 

All that poking did was make matters worse and create drama. It spilled over into my friend’s life and impacted him and his son. I think that is the thing that has me the most irate about it. I made it clear that I wanted to be left alone and no one would leave me alone - even if they were bothering me behind my back and in ‘secret.’ I wonder, sometimes, what would have happened if everyone had just let me be that day as I wanted. How would the story have ended if they had just left me in my silence and my stillness and my rage with G-d?

Wisconsin wasn’t any different. The only thing that made her different is that she recognized why I was upset by it all and she apologized. She explained why she felt the need to do it and I respected and understood her stand. But, it didn’t change mine nor how I felt about it all. 

Yet, she convinced me to apologize. Not to validate their actions or behaviors but to show remorse for my own - even if there is understanding in why I was upset. The apologies were received but to what degree I do not know. I did receive a Merry Christmas from both The Putter and FaeriePrincess, but nothing from The Warden. Also, The Putter has been elusive with things, calling out to others and leaving me out of it. So I don’t know where things really stand. 

There was another moment on Monday. It ties into all of this. Wisconsin and I were in a discussion and I told her that she reminded me of me. She was so anxious to explore and understand this new spiritual side of life she was experiencing. I had chuckled to myself because I thought back on Her Jenniness and how she would always tell me that I was trying to explain the unexplainable. 

So I told this to Wisconsin. “Well, who’s Her Jenniness?”

“Just a girl.” 

“Well, she must be more than just a girl.”

“It’s in the past. It doesn’t matter.” I knew she knew of Her Jenniness. I knew she had read the blog post in which I had told as much of the story as I was ever going to tell. I just didn’t feel like going down that path. 

Wisconsin pressed on with a couple more questions which I did answer but followed up with a question of my own.

“Was there something in my words that led you to believe that I wanted to keep talking about this?”

“No.”

“Was I in some way unclear about the fact that I did not want to keep talking about this.”

“Yes, you were clear.”

“Then why are we still talking about this?”

She thought on it and then confessed that though she knew I didn’t want to continue her need to satisfy her curiosity was more important than what I needed. She wasn’t excusing it, only acknowledging that that is what happened. I told her I wasn’t upset about it. I just wanted her to see it for what it was. I told her that that is how I felt about what happened with FaeriePrincess and The Warden on Sunday. I was clear in where I stood and in what I needed, but their needs [noble as they may have been] superseded my needs. I told her that I had recognized that pattern with my parents. Even when they were trying to help me it was never about my actual needs. It was always about their needs. 

I continued that I know I give clear signals. I always let people know what the lines are when it’s important. Yet, people always ignore those lines. If I reach a breaking point and snap at them then I end up the asshole and the monster. How dare I act like that.

[But...I warned you…]

*shrugs* 

[There would even be a minor example of this on Friday night. Hoagie and Jim and I were hanging out. Jim decided that he wants donuts. I offered to walk for them. It wasn’t that far. This made both of them uncomfortable for whatever reason - too far to walk, too long to take, a bad neighborhood. They kept pushing until I had to refuse to go if I couldn’t walk. I needed that walk for so many reasons. Incidentally, it took 35 minutes there and back total.]

I think she understood a little better where I was coming from. 

So anyway, through all of this self-realization life continued on. As I said, I found myself in no different situation than I had been on Saturday when I had my breaking episode. I still had no car to use, nor any form of income. [Though, I did end up booking one reading before the week was over.] I was still facing the same inevitable end - going to The Rescue Mission. 

But there were whisperings and wonderings. I’m always reminded to trust in the magic at this time of the year - to believe. I can honestly say, though there have never been any large magics or miracles, I have never been disappointed. It’s not always been easy to give into , especially when life shuts down and leaves you just kind of floating. Truly, this Yule has been no different than others. Only more extreme. 

WALT: Extreme Yule. It sounds like a reality game show. 

Are you ever able to just keep quiet?

WALT: Not usually.

With no other recourse, I decided to just give in to it all. It was what it was. Maybe something would change. There was still a week of Yule left. I had until then to let things straighten themselves out. Instead, I set to The List.

I figured there was nothing else for me to do except complete The List. This also typical of Yule. I receive the list of gifts I am supposed to make and I set to it. The way I go about it was no different this year either, excepting that I was just a few days behind. Normally it begins on the 21st. But, then, normally, my deadline is Christmas Eve/Day. But, I wasn’t going to see anyone that day except Hoagie and Spike  and their gifts were finished. 

I set about my next several days trying to work at The List - painting and cutting and shaping. Before it was all done I would sleep and eat very little and craft a lot. 

I struggled through Christmas, trying to enjoy Spike’s experience of it. I talked to my daughter’s briefly. I had to decline seeing them because I had no way to get to them and no place to take them. I told them, trying to believe in the magics, that I would see them before Yule was over.  

So the days moved on, situation normal for the most part. I had drifted into my Yuletime crafting mode and did very little else. 

On Tuesday, I would walk to The Valley’s Favorite Convenience Store. It is a walk that I have made many times now - there and back. On this day though I would catch glimpse of a little fabric sign. The words that could be seen were ‘God’s Plan’ and ‘Love.’ I chuckled to myself as I passed by. Such synchronistic timing. But, then isn’t it always? 

I took that message into meditation and prayer. I still wasn’t particularly interested in G-d’s Plan, but the message was definitely there. So, I figured I would make of it what I could. Part of the reason I was led to denounce Faith on Sunday was because I know I can never avoid it. It is all I know how to do. So, Faith said to evaluate the message. 

I discussed it with Wisconsin. The plan is Love - Divine, unconditional love towards all things. In fact, I’ve said it before. If the Lesson of the Journey is Faith, then the Theme of the journey is Love. 

So, where in my life can I best apply this. The answer to that is simple - my mother. Love and forgiveness, right? Right. 

And, I can do that. I can love her and let her be her. She is as she is. I can forgive her even though she hasn’t apologized or acknowledged any wrong doing. I have done both of these things many times in the past. But, now the question is how do I do that and still not accept the treatment I have received? I can no longer tolerate the negativity and the judgment and the lies.

So this is my current challenge. How do I do that? And how do I go about a healing process when I have now told my mother to stay out of my life? I could apologize for that like I have apologized for so many things in the past. But that doesn’t change the reason I told her to stay out. It doesn’t fix that. It only invites more of it unless I refuse to accept it...which seems as good as just staying away in the first place. 

One of the things it make me think of is that I apologize when I’m wrong...and that does happen more often than you might think. But. I’ve noticed, no one ever apologizes to me. My family has never apologized once for physically attacking me or calling me pathetic or telling me that I am horrible father. For whatever reason, they feel justified and valid in all of that and apparently see no reason to apologize. The Warden never apologized for pushing too much, or taking the dialogue in a direction that was unnecessary. FaeriePrincess never apologized for going behind my back. Still I apologized for the way I reacted to all of that. 

I realize that forgiving is forgiving and it doesn’t bring with it conditions. It would just be nice if someone could recognize that they violated me in some way and show some regret or remorse for it. 

Wisconsin did that and I appreciated it. 

But, the week presses on. 

I noticed one morning that my front right tire is going flat. So now I not only have a battery to replace but I have to do something with that tire [as well as get gas] before I can go anywhere with that car. And...I’m not certain that the battery solves the problem. I did have someone else offer to buy a battery,even if it was used, as a Christmas present just to get me off and running again. Of course, he was drunk at the time and he rarely remembers anything he say when he is drunk. So, I’m not really expecting that to happen. 

I suppose I could have spent the money on the battery. I may have had it. But, like so many other moments this year it seemed a choice between the battery or food. Not to mention I do spend my money in foolish ways - such as cigarettes and the such. 

The realization that, even if I replaced the battery and it worked, I wasn’t out of the water yet just re-affirmed to me that it’s all over. I just need to accept the fact that I don’t have a car and I need to start learning how to survive without one.

(That Which You Resist Persists. That Which You Accept Disappears.)

I continued on my Quest to finish The List, taking moments of peace whenever I could steal them. I was moving along quite well when my rotary tool stopped working. I haven’t been able to get it going since. The motor burned out. It was old and had been through a lot. Suddenly, I was over using it in trying to get done. I shouldn’t be surprised that the motor died. But, did it have to happen right then? I wasn’t finished yet. 

I took a breath and re-evaluated the situation. I still had things I wanted to work on for Jim’s box. However, in hindsight, it is quite full and perfect as it is and anything more would have been too much. I wanted to make actual ornaments for The Princesses to keep that tradition alive. I wasn’t able to do that but I was able to finish their angels which included their names and the year. It serves the same purpose, I suppose. 

I also still had one more gift to complete - the one for Big ‘D.’ It was something out of my wheelhouse and a challenge for me but I had been slowly tackling it. It just wasn’t finished and now it couldn’t be. But, I did have something finished that I thought was going to Boom-Dee-Aye. That’s how The List came to me anyway. It was a suitable gift for Big ‘D’ but that would leave me without one for Boom-Dee-Aye. I was actually okay with this. 

I could understand Big ‘D’ being on the list. She is my mother, after all. I may not like the way she chooses to deal with me, but she is still my mother. But, Boom-Dee-Aye...well, there’s nothing that says I need to associate with her, nor care if I don’t. But, still, The List is The List and now I couldn’t even finish The List as it was handed to me. 

How am I not supposed to get frustrated by all of this? How do I not feel like giving up?

This is precisely where I was in my head on December 9, 2018. I looked at my life and how I have failed at everything. I looked at how everything I touched, no matter how much I loved it or cared for it, would disintegrate. I looked at how every time I got close to a personal goal or felt like I was finally balancing out and stabilizing I would get hurled backwards and find myself starting all over. Sometimes this was by my own doing. Sometimes it was very Divine. 

How could I not want to die?

Here I am, a year later and the feeling hasn’t changed much. Life has imploded in on me and I just don’t have what it takes to get myself out of it. Not only do I not have the fight left - if you only knew how much I have been fighting all along - but I no longer have the goods or resources needed. 

I talked to Hoagie today about how I probably could have bought the car battery. I could have eventually gotten gas and maybe inflated the tire. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that in a little more than a week my phone will be turned off. I will lose all communication with everyone. I will not only no longer be able to contact, or be contacted by, The princesses or my friends, but any potential employers will not be able to reach me. Not by phone and not by email. [We don’t have wifi in The Dormitory.] Plus, any way I have to make income is done through the phone. My readings are by phone. My retail merchandising is all done through apps on the phone. 

Now I am down my most important crafting tool. 

So, I continued on, still making my plans to go to The Rescue Mission. Yesterday, having completed my work on The List, I started cleaning up and organizing. I was putting my life in order. I was looking at what I needed to put away better when I leave. Hoagie had offered to keep my stuff as long as needed. Of course, that was when the discussion was Wisconsin. 

I found myself explaining to Hoagie how to care for and operate the tools so that in my absence he could continue on his own newly-discovered path of creativity. It all felt very much like preparing to die. In a way, that is what it is. 

No matter how I look at it or break it down I can see very little choice but to go to The Rescue Mission. All things considered, it pretty much covers the bases. It provides a place to sleep and to shower. It provides two meals a day. I’m sure there would be some grooming products there I could use and am soon in desperate need of, such as deodorant and razors. It would provide me with an address at which I could receive mail and maybe even use on applications for things like assistance. It would put me close to public transportation for getting around and when the time comes to appear at Domestic Relations it is only a short few blocks walk away. I’m sure they also have access to employers and work. 

It all sounds so very promising and positive doesn’t it? And, I suppose it does. But, it also requires that i sacrifice everything I am and everything that is my life. I realize it’s only temporary, but what is temporary? A month? Two? Three? Six? Twelve?

I’m sorry if it upsets people that I don’t care. I have no interest. Maybe I am being bratty and childish. But, it has been a very long and difficult 21 years. I have traveled most of it alone. No one has been with me for the Quests or the moments or meditations. No one has shared in those experiences and when I try to share them with others it is obvious that they don’t quite connect to it. I have never had a teacher to help me with my challenges. There is The Shaman, but he has always been more of a guide - pointing the way here or there or re-affirming certain things. But there are times when I tell him things that happen to me and even he doesn’t seem to quite connect. 

It’s just that I have done this over and over and over again. I keep trying to rebuild and I keep getting knocked down. Now, I am being asked to give up everything that is my life. Everything. And for what? To start over? But to what end? In what direction? I have already failed at everything I have tried to do and I don’t know anything else. I have tried for 21 years to take what life has put before me and make the most of it. I’ve redefined myself. Now I must do it all over again? 

I found myself only to lose myself again - only this time totally and completely. 

Plus, The Rescue Mission takes away any and all possibility of my soul finding peace. I need serious alone time for that - to revel in my meditations and balance my energy and even to experience my weakness without it spilling into the world. I haven’t had that since I left The TreeHut and it has hurt. I can feel it in my body and my soul. There is no rest. So not only am I giving everything up but I am putting myself in an uncomfortable and non-conducive environment just to survive through it all. I don’t think people really understand what it means to be empathic and sensitive.

Forgive me if I can not see the logic or the point to that. 

Of course, I could take a gamble and stay at Hoagie’s. I’m sure he would be accepting of that. In fact, I haven’t told him of my plans. I haven’t told him because I believe he will insist on me staying here. It’s how I got here in the first place. He didn’t want to see me go to the rescue mission. Maybe things would turn around here no different than the mission. It would still take time.

But time I may not have. One day I will have to leave anyway. He has already made plans. Plus, he needs his time and space with his son. The best thing I could do for him is to leave. And, I mean, I could find work I can get to from here but when I do have to leave and go to The Rescue Mission will I be able to get to that same work from there? 

And, so, the thoughts go round and round. I wrestle with everything - the whole of my life. I wrestle with my Faith because Faith forged the very life that has failed and now Faith asks that I give up everything that I am and know - everything that I love. 

How does one deal with that?

Then in the last several days there have been lots of messages about vibration and the G-d within and creating our own realities. Am I going down this path because I have given up? If I change my mindset can I somehow drastically change the situation? Or is there no way out of this? This is what G-d wants and so this is what there must be? 

Forgive me if I’m not okay with that.

Still, there are two days left to Yule. Maybe the magic will activate and some miracle will happen - for it will take a miracle at this point it seems. I’ve always waited for a Christas miracle. Maybe this is the year. I’m not really holding my breath though. 

I continue to think. I can’t ever stop. I play it all over in my head - the past 21 years, the past 10 months, all of the messages from the past week. For instance - until he figures out what he wants to do with his life. 

This one so boggles me. I thought I’ve been very clear what I wanted. It has always been the goal in my mind. I wanted The Rabbit Hole. I’ve never been able to get close to it. Without money no one takes you seriously, though I’ve learned recently that no one really takes me seriously anyway. “It’s just Matt.” And, if I could get someone to be serious about it, those people always wanted to change it to suit themselves. It’s even what I had told The Lil Boss, “I’m going to finish my job with you and retire [to The Rabbit Hole.]”

I don’t mind so much that I was never able to achieve that goal. Failure or not it was always something to strive for and dream of. What bothers me is the rubbing my face in it such as with the most recent Quest to Stroudsburg. You may remember that was when I stumbled upon a coffee shop for sale. I did actually pursue it, or try to anyway. That was shut down as quickly and easily as it came to me. 

Without a miracle, I am not going to see my daughters before the end of the holidays. In fact, I won’t see them or talk to them again until who knows when. I won’t be able to give them their Christmas presents or give them the other ones to deliver. So why did I even bother making them? Why was I given The List if it didn’t matter? 

But, life goes on. In lieu of waiting for a miracle to lift me up I continue to prepare myself, mostly mentally and emotionally, for going to The Rescue Mission. It would give me great pleasure if somehow in this I could eat my words and come back with some great story of things turning around. However, it is more than likely that this is my last post. Oh yes, like everything else, this project will die too. Without the phone there is no way for me to continue. 

I could continue on and on as the thoughts and feelings spin around my head. But, it all comes back to that this is the end to our story. It is not the end I set out to reach. It is not the end I thought one day I would talk about. But, it would seem, this is the end nonetheless. 

Only time can tell, Fellow Travelers. 

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML. Or, the YouTube Channel - WelcomeToMyLife. Wherever you are and whenever you are - Like, Comment, and Share. 

So, without Hesitation…

For now and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaaand Johnny…

And those guys, saying stay tuned in, Fellow Travelers, and one last time wishing you Peace, Love, Light….

WALT: And Freakishness, baby.