Time, She Ticks Faster

Hey, gang! Welcome to my life – where anything is possible, and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.

DOC: Velcum To My Life ees a prochect, un experiment in Life unt ART. A living storyboard, if you will. Its premise ees zat life ees experiential, unt zat you can, unt do, experience ze life you choose. It ees based on Ze Veel of Life unt Ze ARTs for Ze New Millennium as life building tools. Ja, it’s true!

WALT: Welcome to my Life is an I T.V. Studios/Geist…House Players Production, in association with the Center for Creative Inspirationalism. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft-times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

F’n Bob

The Warden

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Professor Siggy Chong

Hoagie Snowflake

Sparky Wentz-eclaus

The VanMan and General Ralph Glossop (may they R.I.P.)

The Messengers of The Galactic Federation

The Looch

The Bassett Hound

Bert-On

The Baker of the Cornbread

Andy Pandy

The Mudder

Zason

Oh, Danny Boy

St. Diane & You

Brother John

Thing 2

Queen Spooky

Snuffbox

The Nameless One

Good Man, Charlie Brown

‘Jim’

The Rox

CCPA

Senoll #5

Superstar

Sir Richard Slouch

The Wix-ians

The Socialite

The Village of Idiots

Piz-Niffer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Baby-Mama Rabbit

Belle

The Witch Baby

Aaaand, of course, a very generous sponsor who (not-so-much) wishes to remain anonymous.

It is…Sunday, November 15, 2020. Time...????

Theme – Dream Big

This came up a lot. Its interesting because it’s hard. It’s hard to Dream Big when I can barely imagine small. Though the time frame has been extended just slightly, the window is still closing quickly. Its hard to imagine finding something I can afford right this moment, let alone dream of something more ideal. Still, I try, and I imagine what life might be like.

Lesson – The Power of Suggestion

This could have been Observation. It jumped out at me several times in the week. I just noticed how quickly people can grab on to an idea, repeat it to someone else, absorb it. I saw it a lot at work actually. In some ways it was good. For instance, I hear it told that the GM was talking about the order to drop lunch items based on time. This was something I just said to him. But I also saw it in negative ways. It just took one person to put an idea into the air and soon everyone latches on. I think this is rather disturbing actually. And I need to wield my words wisely when dealing with others.

Observation – “What the World Needs Now…”

You know how the rest of it goes. It came up during a conversation between me and The Princesses. We were just chatting about the wedding, the people at it, family members. It’s true. There are plenty of them that are annoying, or toxic in some way. But as I pointed out to them – it is the most toxic people who need us to show them the greatest love.

The Post

It is Wednesday morning, and I am just beginning to write. It has been wild several days – not even counting last week – and there is so much to write about.

And now it is Wednesday night.

So, what all do I discuss first? I have the current lowdown on my situation as a whole. There is all of last week, of course. There is also the time with The Princesses. And there is the question, “Why are you homeless?”

[And now, it is Friday morning. Me thinks this post will not be finished until Sunday.]

Ok. So, let’s first try to catch up on the daily grind. We are almost two weeks out. That is a lot of time to cover.

Last Monday and Tuesday, I finished out my time at The Seasonal Store for this year. They were shorter days, but they worked me good. Wednesday and Thursday, I would return to The Job, but I was in discomfort. I left a little early on Wednesday and very early on Thursday. However, on Friday, I also worked a 13-hour day. [Truth is, I worked all but about 20 minutes of my scheduled hours last week, even with the shifts.] On Saturday I would go in at about 0441 for what would be my 19th and final day of working in a row.

Saturday night to Monday morning I would be with The Princesses. [Stories to be told.] Tuesday I would take care of this and that and have a Long-Distance Reiki Client. Wednesday I would go back to The Job, but I would also catch ill. In fact, I was sick all through Thursday [yesterday] and even this morning. The sickness makes total sense to me. First – it has been below freezing temperatures at night. The other morning, I woke up and it was only 20 degrees outside. Second – I finished a 21-day run of focus and chaos and then abruptly came to a halt. It was like a crash and burn. Third – It was an intense Reiki session and those can always open the way to dis-ease.

So, anyone of those things could have led to illness. All three combined were certain to. I did call off of work at The Job today. There is no sense in hurting myself. I am sick and shouldn’t be there. What’s funny is I tried to let them know yesterday that I wouldn’t be in. I know my body and I know this pattern. I am usually sick for three days. Still, it was left at, “Rest up and if you’re not feeling better in the morning, let us know.” So, I let them know. I woke up this morning to a burning throat and couching up phlegm. I wasn’t going to work in a restaurant.

Now, I do not believe it to be The -Vid. I can still smell. I haven’t really run a fever. However, we got contacted by the school and Cuddlebug (and her siblings) must quarantine because some random person she came into contact with at the school tested positive. So, I’m not really concerned but at the same time I am too sick to be around people and their food.

So, in the meantime, as I am living this daily grind, there have been all sorts of things happening.

For instance, I am going from one house-sitting to another. So, my timeframe for finding four solid walls has extended just a bit.

Another possibility came my way, but I was unable to get an answer at the door when I went.

I have sent word to The Fox that I will take the room because nothing else seems to be giving.

I sent an email to Big ‘D’ about renting the cave for a few months. I have not gotten a response, despite the fact that we have since acknowledged that she did get it.

There is still the place across the street, and I want to try that one more time.

If nothing else there is The Fox.

They have talked to me again about being an Assistant. I’m really not sure that this is something I can do. In fact, I am certain it is not. But if I stay there, I need to find other income ASAP.

Another job opportunity has come my way. [As well as yet one more to pursue.] It is a little less in pay [about $50 a week] but it is much better hours and there is plenty of opportunity to make extra money outside of that. In fact, I really only need to make $80 extra each week to be where I thought this opportunity would put me.

Still, I’m not sure I see any of this being my life by year’s end. I feel like the shifts aren’t done. I feel like I need three more weeks to get it all figured out and let it settle. I only have 12 days.

[And now it is Saturday night. Time keeps moving and I seem to be standing still.]

I try to write, and I can’t seem to get it right, because in between sessions I go out and live life…and then so many changes.

Before I try to talk about my life as a whole again, let me talk about the time with The Princesses. This came at a very interesting time. It was the end of a long run of workdays for me and the weekend of their mom’s wedding. Basically, we were all ready for a little escape.

The girls needed someplace to be, because the married couple was going away for two nights. When I first offered to take the girls I thought, for some reason, that it was only one night. I thought my wallet could handle one night. I was a little put back when I learned it was two, but I was in this far and I figured it would be good for all of us. So, I agreed.

I had to take them two nights and get them to school on Monday morning. I rented a room in West Reading, figuring it would be an easier drive then from Allentown somewhere, Plus, they like West Reading and there was plenty for us to do and explore. I figured I could leave work, pick them up on the way and then make it in time for check-in. However, Mama wanted me to pick them up later.

So, instead, I headed to the hotel after work to check-in, shower and get settled. As I got close to the hotel, I got a call from Sunshine. She said I could come get them anytime. It turns out they had sent texts while I was driving. But I was driving so I didn’t get them. I explained that I was near the hotel and wanted to get settled in and cleaned up and then I would come for them. About an hour.

I did my thing, including trying to do a video, and then headed out. Just as I was leaving, Sunshine called again to check on me. I said Id get there in 30 minutes. Now, I forgot exactly where it was. The place was just closer to my turn than I had thought it to be, so I passed it. As I was turning around, I saw that I had received two texts telling me to just pick them up at the house. [Which I had just passed on my way to the venue.]

This was not the most relaxing start to my days off.

Nonetheless, I picked them up and after some commotion at the house we headed to the grocery store for dinner and snacks. We also picked up a deck of UNO cards for later entertainment. Then, off to the hotel to settle in.

We had gotten frozen meals for dinner. They were small so two for each of us. And, we had some Ben & Jerry’s Ice cream set aside for dessert. This is a thing with us. So, we each had our own.

[And now…it is Sunday Night.]

So, that night we had our dinners and decided on a movie with the ice cream. It was Sunshine who brought it up – Nightmare Before Christmas. This made my soul a lil happy, especially when Cuddlebug chimed in that she would want to watch it too. This is a tradition for us. Every year, we start the holiday season by watching that movie as close to Halloween as we can. We then consider it our first Christmas movie of the year and we are free to watch any others we like. I was glad that they wanted to carry on the tradition.

On Saturday, I would wake them [apparently too early] and we would go for a late breakfast [or brunch] to the diner down the street. We have only eaten there once before, and Sunshine seemed to like it. So, I thought a revisit was in order. After our meal we would set out into the area known as West Reading. It is a quaint commercial district and we have been there several times before, but never really got to explore. Again, I thought this was a good opportunity.

Sadly, I was wrong. It was Sunday and a lot of places weren’t open. In fact, the two places we really wanted to go were not open. Still we walked the streets, up and down, despite the fall chill in the early afternoon air.

We did find a place. It was a new discovery and one we may not have made if our day had been going as we had hoped. It was a nice lil retail front with clothes and as we would discover – stones and sage. It was definitely a shop geared more towards the female persuasion. Believe me. And, I may have been a bit out of place, but it was still a lot of the stuff I like – such as stones and sage – so, I was at home. In fact, I bought 5 stones. 5 because you always keep it odd. As for the stones themselves, they spoke to me. I haven’t, as of yet, had a chance to really sit down and look at what energies they bring. I also bought each of the girls a bracelet.

From there we headed to the mall. We took a basic and quick mall crawl. Truth is, I’m not even sure what all they did. As they scurried about the mall, I had my own plans. I really need to do something about a new phone. So, as they adventured from store to store, I would go to whatever wireless carrier was closest and ask my list of questions. I know what I want to do. Affordability is the issue. Especially considering current circumstances.

After the mall, we decided to go to a place called The Works. It is a restaurant/game room. Again, we used to go there often, years ago. In fact, they still had our old cards registered in the system and we were able to get new cards with our balances on. [Plus, I bought the girls some more credits, just to make sure they could play.] The place has also put in all sorts of other activities – go karts, escape rooms, trampolines. So, while we were there, I got some information and pricing on those things. [Just in case…One Day.]

From there we headed back to the room. Now, the girls wanted some Chinese for dinner [and whatever else was floating around the leftovers,] so we stopped for that on the way back. Sunshine called it in and then they went to get some sort of tea that I have never heard of before. I found a comic bookstore in which to amuse myself. We met back out on the street and headed for ‘home.’

That night we played our game of UNO. It was only two hands…but it was not a short game by any standards. In fact, the game lasted three episodes of Family Guy. [I know it was three because it was the three Star Wars episodes.] The first hand was over before the first episode.

Nuff said?

Yeah. The second hand was a bit insane. First of all, it was a new deck. So, no amount of shuffling in the world was going to make it balanced, and that was obvious. Second, we play with the rule that if you can’t play a card, you must draw from the deck until you can. And third, this deck has a special wild marked ‘shuffle hands.’ When this card is played you take all of the cards from all of the players and shuffle them. Then you redistribute them evenly to everyone. [At the end of the second hand I held on to one of these cards for like 5 rounds because I absolutely refused to go through that once more. The game had to end.]

At one point in the second hand, Cuddlebug played a regular wild card and called for the color green. I was next and had no greens, so I started drawing…and drawing….and drawing. Sunshine looks at me and says, “You just need a green card, Dad.”

“I know what I need.”

…And drawing…and drawing…and drawing….

“Or a Zero, Dad. A green card or a zero.”

“Yes, I know how the game is played. Thank you very much.”

…and drawing…and drawing…and drawing.

Finally, I broke down. “I don’t think there are any green cards in the damn deck!”

To which Cuddlebug held up and fanned out her hand of about 30-40 cards and says, “That’s because I have them all!”

The next morning would turn out to be as chaotic and hectic as the night before. Sunshine wasn’t feeling good and was going to stay home from school. [Personally, I think she just wanted to be home when no one else was. Whatever.] Cuddlebug insisted that she wanted to ride the bus and I couldn’t take her to school – even though I was going right to the school anyway to pay on her laptop.

So, I took the girls to the house and let them unload their stuff, said good-bye to Sunshine and took Cuddlebug to the bus stop. After her bus came, I headed to the school and got a coffee. Then back to the hotel to relax, freshen up and figure out what exactly my day was going to be. I had thought about working if I could find some nearby, but it was already late in the morning and I was nowhere near as ready as I had thought.

Sunshine had left some unfinished ice cream. I told her I would eat it before I left. Turns out it was almost half full and there was no way I was going to be able to eat all of that. So, I called her and asked her if she wanted me to drop it off for her. She did.

After all of that, I finally had a day to myself. The first day in three weeks. I didn’t know what to do. So, I headed to The Putter’s for a bit. I was talking to him about the other place that had come up. I told him how I went up and knocked but here was no answer. I told him that as I left something just didn’t feel right about it. He said, “You always have to go with your gut.”

To that, I told him how I really need to get out of The Job. I just can’t do this environment anymore. [I can’t, but I do.] After I left The Putter’s, I would get a call from Queen Spooky about a job opportunity with…The Parent Company.

That’s right.

I jumped on that shit. I called the woman the next day. When I couldn’t get in touch with the store manager afterwards, I called the woman again the following day. That evening after work, I would go to the mall and see the store manager for myself. I made arrangements to go see her the next day when I was off.

That would be Thursday and Thursday was a busy day. I felt like I just ran around and accomplished little. I know I went to The Putters for a safety meeting. Then o the mall for the interview. Then to The Mudder’s for dinner. I was supposed to stop somewhere else for cans along the way but that got moved to Friday.

Now, on Wednesday I wasn’t feeling well, and it was that day that we got the notice about Cuddlebug’s ‘contact’ with someone who tested positive. I say ‘contact’ because she doesn’t even know who it was. Just some random person. I left work an hour early that night.

I was off on Thursday, and I would call off on Friday. And, Saturday, I would be sent home early again. I was terribly sick yesterday.

So…why am I homeless?

Well isn’t this the most basic question with such a layered answer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

Because?

Because...I’m pathetic…it’s the most I deserve? Because…I don’t know.

It starts with 20+ years of poverty. I don’t think anyone understands just how little money I had in those years. Still, through all of that poverty, I traveled the country three times, started a video company that had a pretty good run with some concert DVDs, became an ordained minister and certified reiki practitioner, wrote and produced 2 musical revues, directed and produced a mainstage production on the Allentown Symphony Stage, performed at children’s parties and events, traveled to colleges as a reader, became a retail merchandiser, learned to scrap metal…and I don’t know what else. And that’s just the stuff I did on my own. Along the way I tried my hand at food service [several places, many capacities,] fiber optic testing, seal coating, receiving, and again…I don’t know what all else I delved into.

I had two daughters and raised them the best I could.

All the while, I was at my parents, Olde

Geistopia. They definitely shouldered a lot of my financial burden along the way. I seemed to always find myself in some mess or another. [Like the time I went to Philly to pick up some work and ended up getting my van towed before I got any work done.] This was always a sticky situation, because try as I might, I could never seem to make enough money to fend for myself, let alone repay them. Though I tried, in my own way, to do what I could. I cleaned the house, and mowed the yard, offered help in other areas. None of it was really ever received well, and it is not really relevant to our current story.

Nonetheless, this is the past that brought us into the present.

I just never had a healthy relationship with money. I just didn’t get it. This is part of what the poverty was all about. It wasn’t a result of not getting it. [I mean…it was…] But it was also a lesson in learning it.

In fact, that poverty, those 20 some years, were about learning a lot of things. I came to see and know life and the world[s] around us very differently. In some ways, one could say, I came to know G-d.

If I learned anything in those years, it was that there is something out there. Something that is far greater than us. It has presence and life and intelligence. I care not what you call it – G-d, or Allah, or The Goddess, The Universe, The Friggin’ Force – for no matter what name we use or how we try to define or describe it, we will never truly know it. [Not all of it.]

In coming to know this…existence, I also came to learn [or perhaps I should say observe] many things. For instance – It Always Works Out. It’s true. It does. It must. If it didn’t, I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here typing away. I have faced so many moments over the years that I didn’t know how I was going to get through them or survive them. Yet, I did [somehow] and here I am.

Now one may say that it is all just chance and happenstance, the way life unfolds before us. But, for chance and happenstance to happen so precisely and perfectly every time…well…that is Divine. So, even Chance & Happenstance become a force beyond our understanding. Just how is it that The Wheel of Fortune spins?

For instance, when I finished my lil stint in county prison and rehab, I was released into the world with [really] no place to go. Oddly, having a place to go was a condition of my release. What I had found was a hotel room. I lived in that hotel room for about three weeks. I don’t know how. I didn’t have a job when I got released. I mean, I picked up some odd stuff here and there along the way, but I had nothing steady. I look back at that moment and wonder how…how did I survive? How did I afford a hotel room and food for three weeks? After all, here I am working full time and pulling whatever little side hustles I can find, and I couldn’t afford that for a week. So…how?

Chance?

Happenstance?

It matters not. Whatever it was, it was right.

It All Works Out.

Everything Happens for a Reason.

Life is Precise and Perfectly Placed.

These things I know, for these things I have seen. Time and time again, no matter how scary it got, these things would hold true.

And, boy, is it scary right now.

Why am I homeless?

I don’t know.

Divine Intervention?

Chance?

Happenstance?

But let’s step back.

So, my financial situation has never been a good one and I found myself trapped, and unwanted, at my parents. We, too, never had a healthy relationship. Inevitably, this would come to a head on February 8, 2019. One too many stupid arguments, over stupid things, all getting blown out of proportion until chaos flared. So, I walked out of the house and only went back but once – to pack up some clothes.

I left without a plan. I left without a place to go. I left without a steady enough income to lift myself up. But I left…and I will never regret that decision. Though I loved that property and the magicks it holds, those people were way too dangerous to my soul…to my well-being.

Why am I homeless?

I don’t know.

Perhaps to learn things. Not so much about life, but about myself. Suddenly, the person I thought was pathetic and useless and worthless, completely incapable of actually doing anything, didn’t exist. Because here I was…doing things – in spite of homelessness and poverty.

First of all, I have survived it. I don’t know how exactly but I have. I have had a great many friends offer so much support in different ways. I couldn’t have done it without them. But I’ve also managed to live and function and, eventually thrive, all while living in my car or a treehouse or a tent. I have worked jobs – sometimes two at once. I have [somewhat] reclaimed my ministry work. I have lived life more than I ever have before. I was even in two different theatrical productions. And, if that’s not enough I somehow managed, while living in a treehouse, to direct [choreograph, music direct, design, build, and costume] a middle school show.

I saw this outpouring of love and support from friends – old and new – and strangers alike. People liked me. I can’t imagine why. [I’m really kind of an ass.] But they liked me. People thought I was kind, and giving, and generous, and caring. Even people, I haven’t known for many years came forth with this attitude. These are things my family never saw me as, nor would they even consider the possibility. So, for more years than anyone will truly know, I had to question it myself. It seems that no matter what I may think of myself, some force in the universe thinks I am worthy…of something.

I learned that I keep a good house. I can create a comfortable space pretty much anywhere. People loved hanging out in The Cave. Everyone thought the Tree hut looked awesome when I was there. And I promise you, if you came to the tent today you feel comfortable and at home. Eventually, you would forget that you are sitting in a tent. [I often do.]

I keep things clean and tidy and organized. I keep them fluid. Though I have not mastered the trades themselves, I have certainly learned something about the ARTs of Feng Shui and Organization. I could probably make a decent enough side living with it – if I had the time, money and resources to put into starting it up.

I have a knack for making the most out of anything. I’ve had to, or all this time I would have had nothing at all. Given enough time, and creativity, I will always find a way to get the job done, make the situation better, fix the problem. I will turn that frown upside down.

WALT: You’re not a giraffe.

Stop it. No one even knows what you’re talking about.

WALT: No one ever knows what you’re talking about and, yet…here we are. *pause* Don’t look at me like that. I’m the salty side of you and you love it.

Anyway, moving right along…

WALT: *singing* In search of good times and good news

DOC: *singing* Vis gute friends who can’t lose

JOHNNY: *singing* This could become a habit

What the hell is wrong with the three of you??

WALT: One could ask the same question of you.

DOC: I vuld have to say it is a rare strand of psychosis…

You would have to say nothing. There is a reason I don’t give you any lines.

DOC: Don’t be afraid to face yourself.

Slow down. This isn’t Dagobah there, Yoda.

I have learned some not so nice things about myself. I can be kind of assy. I am opinionated and solid in my stand on things. I don’t mind saying what I think. This is not always a good thing. I can burn a lot of bridges that way. [Such as Hoagie…and even my family.]

I can definitely overstay my welcome. It is not intentional, but it happens. Such as Olde Geistopia, or even The Dormitory. It is why I am being so adamant about getting off of The Baker’s property. I will not overstay, and it has already been too long. So, I need to go, even if it means living in the MattMobile or just giving it all up and going to the rescue mission. December 4th is when it must happen.

So…why am I homeless?

I don’t know.

For whatever reason, try as I might, I just haven’t been able to put it together yet. Step-by-step I get closer though. I just don’t know to what. Maybe I am headed for The Rescue Mission. I have been going out of my way to avoid it for a year now. Maybe I am being forced to leave The Valley. It is no place to be living in your car in the winter. Maybe there is something unexpected waiting around the corner.

Only Time Will Tell.

Nonetheless, thus far, Everything Works Out [or worked out.] I’ve gotten this far. It was The Warden who reminded me of this.

So maybe I am homeless so that I could remember how blessed life truly can be.

Or maybe it was so that I could share that remembrance with others and remind them. Maybe let them see it for themselves.

Maybe it is so that I can demonstrate that perseverance prevails. Demonstrate it for other…or even myself.

Maybe it was to face my demons – some of which I still struggle with, such as smoking.

Why am I homeless?

Maybe it is all I deserve and the most I can hope for.

Why am I homeless?

I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure it is Divine.

So, before we leave, let me tell you where I am at…. tonight.

It is late. It has taken me hours to get this far. I worked today and as usual it was hard on me. I had two people not show up in the morning, so I ran all of breakfast with only me and one other person. Then, two more did not show up for lunch. I ran my ass off all day long and the only other manager on was the one who hates me the most and never says a word to me. Not even an apology when he walks in 10 minutes late for his shift. So, once again, it was a couple of hours before I could feel grounded.

I finally received a response from Big ‘D’. It only took two emails. I wrote a second one last night. That, in and of itself, was a very odd experience. I was like in an altered state through the whole thing. It took me quite some time to get it written. Like the first email, I wanted to make my case and let her know where my life is at, but I didn’t want it to be too much. Several times I found myself stopping and thinking that it felt like I as though I was tripping. It was a very ‘spiritual’ experience. I can’t even explain it really. I just know that whatever it was, it was right.

I got the response, and it was a no. It is not an option for me to rent The Cave for a few months through the winter while I finish putting my life together. I was angry at first. But I realized I wasn’t angry at her answer. It is what I expected. I was angry, because I was hurt. She ended the email with, “Know that dad and I love you.” This may be true. But she sees whatever our problems are as greater than the possibility of me losing everything one more time. I wasn’t asking for entrance to the house, or contact, or reconciliation. I just wanted some more time to find a place to live. That hurts.

We’ve had many (and great) problems. I know my family thinks I am some sort of monster, and I am certainly no saint. But they are not untarnished either. Still, I work to forgive them, and I hope for something better because family should not be like this. But there can be no better. That hurts. It hurts that they think so little of me or can cast me out so easily without a second thought. It hurts…but it is liberating.

All these years, I’ve wanted a strong healthy relationship with my family. I wanted us to get beyond our limitations and accept each other for what and who we are. It never happened, and apparently, it never could. They just think so low of me. I have seen enough of this now to know it. So, it is liberating because I can let it go and walk away, never looking back. I can sever the ties and feel no guilt. I must wish them well and walk away in love.

The only two tasks remaining are removing my belongings completely from the property and rerouting my mail. Right this moment, these both seem impossible tasks. I find it interesting that this is something I have wanted for 21 months and it still is not possible. I don’t know why, but there must be a reason. For, Everything Happens for a Reason.

I feel relief of sorts and I don’t know why. I only have two more places I know of to which I can reach out for a room. After that, I’m not sure what I am going to do. But there are 11 days left, and Six Minutes is an Awfully Long Time, and Anything Can Happen in Six Minutes.

Still, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was scared shitless at the moment. I just really don’t know how to feel about anything. The reality of my situation seems to be that in just under two weeks I will have absolutely no place to be and I will need to sacrifice the whole of my life once more – whether it is living at The Mission and being shut off from the world, for who knows how long, or getting in the car and finding someplace warmer to start over, taking with me only what I can fit comfortably in the car. In either case, too, I will have to give up my daughters. This breaks my heart…a little…a lot. All I want, all I have wanted for 12 years, is some sort of real life with them and I can’t even visit with them. [At least, not without spending the equivalent of a months rent on two nights.]

I feel odd about The Job. As I have often said, I can ‘see’ myself there. I can see snow and the holidays. I don’t care for the thought, but it is what it is. I can ‘see’ myself there. But I can ‘feel’ myself leaving. Let’s be real, if I don’t find a place, I will be leaving. I can’t work if I go to The Mission and I don’t know that I will be able to do this job living from my car. [I mean, I don’t even know how I’m going to live in my car, or where I will park at night.] I will just take it all as it comes. But, at this point, much like my family, I can not feel bad if I just walk away.

I have tomorrow off. I have the whole day. There is nothing in particular planned. Nothing that must immediately be taken care of. I have things to do, but I have until 1400 on Tuesday before I am supposed to be back to work. So, I am taking it all slowly. I am letting life be what it is. I feel like it has been so long since I have been able to do that.

Then it is work Tuesday and Wednesday and Thanksgiving off. I was going to have the girls for dinner, but since The Baker is not going away that is not going to happen. Instead I am going to have them Saturday night/Sunday at The Mudder’s. I work Friday and Saturday. Now, somewhere in all of this I must get the tent completely emptied and ready to be taken down. I do not know what my schedule is for the following week, but we will deal with that when we get there.

Dream Big.

How does one do that in my situation?

If I were going to Dream Big, here is how I would dream my life –

I would have home. A home for me and for my daughters – at least when they visit. [I have to be careful. I can feel myself wanting to be general and forgiving in my description. I guess I am afraid to commit (Theme), afraid to let people know what my dreams are.]

So, let’s try again…Dream Big…

I’d like a farm. Not a huge farm. I would like at least 5 acres. This is so I can do some landscaping and gardening [I miss these things terribly,] but also so that I have room to create a ‘world’ for my friends to enjoy. [I could maybe get away with 3.] Nonetheless, I want a yard because I miss the work.

I say farm because I like the old homes. That’s the kind of home I want, if I’m dreaming big. I like their innate character. They always have such uniqueness that could never be copied. I want a home that I can tend to and clean and mend and build up. I like that kind of work as well…and I miss it so much. I never really got to go all out in housework and chores at Olde Geistopia.

I want a home where I can truly know myself, all of myself…at once. I’m so tired of the pieces jumbling about, lining up just a few at a time. [And never the same few.] I want a home from which I can live, and grow, and know, and work. My home needs a workshop. I like to craft, and I really miss that work. [Not that I got a lot of it done over the years, but enough to know how much I love it.] I want a home where I could see clients and manage my retail work.

I would love to be in the country, but I would enjoy a small town as well.

I want to work…but I want to do my work. I don’t mind some PT job to make ends meet, but I want to be doing my work as well. I want more spiritual works in my life. I miss them. They make me feel whole and complete. I want to be crafting. I want to create and build and salvage. These things bring me peace. I want to be doing the retail merchandising. I miss that work as well.

Obviously, I would like all of this to somehow lead to The Rabbit Hole. I am tired of dreaming of this and I want to see it be a reality. I believe in it – with everything I am.

Am I fool for wanting these things?

Am I bigger fool for trying to believe that they could manifest?

I have always believed that one day, BAM, life would be different. I am at a crossroads which I feel no control in. The clock ticks and I have no clue what is coming next. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

I was recently accused of being so very positive. Maybe this is true. If it is, it is not by choice, but by necessity. I need to remain positive when I can, otherwise I would be completely broken at this point. Of course, it is made easier, having see what I have seen over the years.

Anything is Possible, and Nothing is as it Seems.

If you’re not already there go to the Welcome to my Life Facebook page - WTML, or the YouTube Channel - Welcome to my Life.

Wherever you are, and whenever you are, Like, Comment and Share. Let us know you’re there.

So, without hesitation…

For now, and for always, from here in Geistopia, this is your beloved Rev…

WALT: And Walt…

DOC: Unt Doc…

JOHNNY: Aaaand Johnny…

And, those guys, saying, “stay tuned in Fellow Travelers,” and wishing you Peace, Love, Light…

WALT: ...and freakishness, baby!!

The Totems & Archetypes

**from Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak**

Quail – Group Nourishment and Protection

Nourishment. Sexuality and Fertility. The return of Spring. Ability to spot danger. Teaches how not to hesitate during times of crisis.

Spider – Creativity and the Weaving of Fate

Maya, the weaver of illusion. Grandmother, link to the past and the future. Mysticism of the geometric form of the figure 8. Symbol of infinity. The Wheel of Life. Teaches you to maintain a balance – between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female. Everything that you do now is weaving what you will encounter in the future. Rhythms. Creative sensibilities. The past always subtly influences the present and future. Spiral shape, the traditional form of creativity and development. We are the center of our own world. “Know thyself and you shall know the Universe.” Keepers and writers of our own destiny, weaving by our thoughts, feelings, and actions. The magic and energy of creation. Assertiveness of that creative force. , keeping the feminine energies of creation alive and strong. Links with the past and future. Are you moving toward a central goal or are you scattered and going in multiple directions? Is everything staying focused? Are you becoming too involved and/or self-absorbed? Are you focusing on others’ accomplishments and not your own? Are you developing resentment because of it – towards yourself or them? The teacher of language and the magic of writing. Death and rebirth. A lunar symbol. Maintain balance and polarity in all aspects of life. Through polarity and balance creativity is stimulated. A combination of gentleness and strength. Walk the threads between life and death – waking and sleeping – between the physical and the spiritual. How to express the creative energies. Don’t be afraid to employ it in seemingly inaccessible corners. Weave your creative threads in the dark and then, when the sun hits them, they will glisten with intricate beauty. Are you not weaving your dreams and imaginings into reality? Are you not using your creative opportunities? Are you feeling closed in or stuck as if in a web? Do you need to pay attention to your balance and where you are walking in life? Are others out of balance around you? Do you need to write? Are you inspired to write or draw and not following through? Remember that Spider is the keeper of the primordial alphabet. Teach how to use the written language with power and creativity so that your words weave a web around those who would read them.

Squirrel – Activity and Preparedness

The gray squirrel is the most common and the most enthusiastic. If confronted the gray squirrel will usually run away and avoid any fight. Predominant predators are foxes and raptors such as hawk or owl. Two litters per year. On their own in 12 weeks. All squirrels can be quite sociable. Individuals with squirrel totem learn better by doing than studying. Squirrels are also quite communicative. Examine your own activity and preparedness. Are you too active? Not active enough? Are not planning at all for the future at all – distant or near? Are you becoming too erratic – running to and fro and not accomplishing anything? Do you need to learn how to save and ration on any level – money, time, energy, etc? Are you afraid you will never have enough? Are you too hung up on collecting and accumulating? Are you gathering and not giving? Squirrels can teach us the balance within the circle of gathering and giving out. Masters at preparing. Also reminders that in our quest for our goals, we should always make time to socialize and play.

Turtle - Motherhood, Longevity, Awakening to Opportunities

Help unite Heaven and Earth within your own life. Fairy connections. ‘Keeper of The Doors.’ Symbol of the Primal Mother. Long life and grounded was within life. Can teach new perceptions about time ad our relationship with it. The mystery of awakening the senses - physically and spiritually. Stimulates hearing/Clairaudience; Help with vision/Clairvoyance; Develop sense of smell and higher discrimination. Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should? Are you or those around you not using discrimination? A reminder to use your own head and knowledge to right yourself when your world gets tipsy-curvy. Sometimes Turtle shows up as a totem to help during these times. A reminder to pay attention or you will miss opportunities. A symbol of Mother Earth and that she provides all our needs. Turtle can slow us down to help us see our opportunities. Is our life becoming too hectic? Are we not taking time for ourselves? Are we so busy that we can’t really see what is going on? Are we going too slow and need to pick up the pace a little? Also study Raccoon. Vitamin D/Diet. Link between water and land. Water is the creative source that we can draw on and live in, but we must also come out of it and apply that creativity within the physical world - the land. Also hints at needing to think things through before you act on them. It is time to get connected to your own primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recognize that there is abundance out there for you. It doesn’t have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, Too soon, can upset the balance. Reminds us that all we need for all we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time. Reminds us that the way to Heaven is through the Earth.

Owl - The Mystery of Magic, Omens, Silent Wisdom, and Vision in the Night

Symbol of the feminine and the night. Ties to fertility and seduction. Bird of magic and darkness, of prophecy and wisdom. Symbolically associated with clairvoyance, astral projection and magic, both black and white. Hints of the light of the sun, alive in the dar of night. Meditation on this alone will reveal much about the magic of Owl within your life. Will be able to see and hear what others are trying to hide. What is not being said. See what is hidden or in the shadows. Detect and pinpoint the subtleties. Unique ability to see into the darkness of others’ souls. And life. Their medicine can extract secrets. If your neck is stiff and inflexible, you are hindering your perceptions to a great degree. Often reflects that you were born very perceptive - with a vision of others that you may or may not have recognized or acknowledged. Unique ability for seeing into the eyes and souls of others. Keep silent and go about your business. Eliminate those aspects that are up beneficial and unhealthy.

111 (from angelnumber.org)

The number 111 is a very powerful angel number, and signifies manifesting and manifestation of thoughts into reality. This number is a combination of energy and attributes of the angel numbers 1 and the Master Number 11. The number 1 signifies independence, motivation, uniqueness, new beginnings, leadership, progress, moving forward, inspiration and achieving success. The number 11 signifies understanding your soul mission and purpose on this earth. As a combination of these energies, the angel number 111 signifies spiritual awakening and enlightenment, inspiration, high energy, intuition and sensitivity. The number 111 carries the vibration of leadership, creativity and independence, as well as optimism and tolerance of others. Its essence is also joy, inspiration, interactions with others, communication and self – sufficiency. People who resonate with this number are usually leaders, not followers. They do that role using their natural abilities and creativity. They often invent new ways of doing things. They inspire others with their optimistic approach. They are spontaneous and have good interactions with others. The angel number 111 signifies manifestation and prosperity. This number’s main symbolism is manifesting thoughts into reality. It also symbolizes awareness, uniqueness, motivation and independence. When it starts appearing in your life, the main message it carries is the need to monitor your thoughts. This number is a warning from the angels to pay attention to your thoughts because you will manifest into reality anything you think about continuously.

33 (from angelnumber.org)

If you keep seeing angel number 33, it means that your angels want to communicate with you. If you listen to their message, you can expect great changes that will happen in your life soon. As you can see, angel number 33 consists of number 3 that appears twice. The vibrations of number 3 are very strong, but when this number appears two times, its strength is even bigger. It is believed that number 3 is related to talent, skills, expansion and also self-expression.

Also, this number may symbolize great progress and abundance that are expecting you in the near future. It can mean that your health will be much better in the future period, but you will also have many opportunities in your career. You will be happy and satisfied in your personal life as well. Also, it is important to say that number 3 is important in spiritual sense, because it is a symbol of the holy trinity. That’s why this number is used to attract your attention. When it comes to number 33, the symbolism of number 3 is even bigger. We can also say that this number is a symbol of bravery, honesty, compassion and discipline. This number is also telling you that many things in your life are possible. We just have to pay more attention to the opportunities that appear every day around us.

When you see angel number 33, it is a clear sign that the angels are with you, which means that they will bring love and peace into your life. If you are seeing angel number 33 very often, it means that the angels are waiting for you to call them. They want to answer to your prayers and to help you.